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00:13You
00:14Yeah, these foods don't make me horny
00:40Oh
00:49Our marriage is safe
00:51Nevada grown days open your mouth take them
01:04I'm so happy to be here on this historic day for decades hot dates ads have been playing on Vegas
01:10television and it's because of these amazing sexual fruit mascots that we have the highest birth rates in the country
01:16the lowest divorce rates and live in a near-constant state of aggressive born in this
01:21Forceries I'll kill anyone you want
01:23Also, they promote local farmers or something. I don't know and for the first time in 30 years they
01:29Finally redesign the hot dates
01:32You give cuddlingo a vibrating sword
01:34Oh, yeah, we've all seen that petition
01:36So now without further ado, I hope everybody's up to date on their brand of condom or female condom or
01:42dental dam or latex gloves or wants to get pregnant
01:45Or doesn't care about STDs because here they are the new dates
01:50Oh, what are they done?
01:53They're normal?
01:55Oh, wear whole selector clothes
01:57I'll never be horny again!
01:59Alright, y'all calm down now, calm down
02:01Y'all calm down, okay?
02:03Before we resort to violence
02:05Oh!
02:06Oh!
02:06I'm a bomb!
02:07BING DING BING BANG
02:08BOMB!
02:11J-J-J-J-Everybody
02:14Oh, yeah, come on a monster
02:17All right now
02:18Get ready mama mama mama mama mama mama
02:21It's a whole lot of easy work
02:23Look at this red hot dog
02:25Whang-Wang-Wang Jordan
02:28Wank-Wang Jordan
02:29Wank-Wang Jordan
02:31Wank-Wang Jordan
02:33Come on, Alonja, you know I love you, baby, stop, yes, I love you, too.
02:50They changed Cunnilingo's name to Dr. Cunnilingo Phelps, an endocrinologist who loves opera music.
02:59Everyone knows Cunnilingo got inner ear damage from the Gulf War Special, and he didn't go to med school, he
03:05majored in ass.
03:06They're wiping away years of established tanning.
03:09Sorry I'm late. I got stuck behind a crowd pulling down the Golden Statue of Cherise.
03:13They're already pulling down statues. We're only a few riot stages away from car flipping, and if Daddy don't flip
03:20one car a month, he gets fussy.
03:23Happy Riot Day, party people. Sorry I'm late. Tons of brawling out there.
03:27Oh, we gotta get out there.
03:29Trust me, Irene. No one's boiling with more secret pent-up rage over this than me.
03:34But, we gotta do this first. The Las Vegas Bar Association sent all the firms a mandatory virtual HR seminar
03:40that we gotta get done by the end of the day.
03:43It says it's Old Vegas themed.
03:44Oh, can't we do it later?
03:46Well, we could've if Glam hadn't used the boxes in Ottoman for three months.
03:50Now, if we don't get this done by EOD, they can take away our license.
03:54Why are there five headsets? There's only four of us.
03:57I finished organizing your pens by nip size, Mr. Gum.
03:59Ah! A haunted doll!
04:01No, sir. I'm actually just a nondescript young man.
04:04Kevin, the new paralegal.
04:06Kevin! I'm excited to get you onboarded.
04:09Do you like hamburgers and when athletes on opposing teams help each other off the ground?
04:13Do I?
04:14Almost as much as golden retrievers with red bandanas.
04:18Wowie!
04:21Careful!
04:22Look, are we doing this or what?
04:23There's a Sonata outside with a Doctor Who sticker that's just begging for it.
04:27We're doing this.
04:28Headset's on, everyone.
04:33Wow, Vegas-y.
04:35They really captured the gross.
04:37Ow!
04:38I... how do I not move?
04:41Ooh!
04:42Ladies and gentlemen, the Las Vegas Board of Human Resources presents to you a computerized
04:48amalgamation of all five personalities of the Rat Pack, the King Prince of the Board,
04:54old blue glass Joey Bishop-eyes himself, Rocco Prosecco!
04:58Oh, she'll write you up just for cracking wires.
05:03There's no quid for quo, just some forms to sign.
05:07Oh, my lady, HR!
05:11Fresh and liquor cried here tonight.
05:14I'd like to hear your feedback on my performance.
05:17What button did you hit for that?
05:19Oh, never mind. Found it.
05:21If you're like me, you're probably wondering, why must Rocco exist?
05:24You see, folks, there never was a more toxic work family than the Rat Pack.
05:29So now it's members' consciousness to live between death and life inside a computer,
05:33singing songs to you good people.
05:37Oh, it's short for home run, but you can't go all the way.
05:41She says she'll protect you, but she really exists to safeguard the interests of the corporation.
05:45Oh, my lady, HR!
05:51Why is everything we do always so high-concept and wacky?
05:55Why wouldn't it be?
05:56Tonight, old Rocco is gonna stress test your workplace for toxicity.
06:00Let's start with some Rat Pack themed HR trivia.
06:04On a set of Ocean's Eleven, Frank Sinatra had his whole team hang Louis' milestone
06:09out of a 14-story window when he tried to give more lies to Angie Dickinson.
06:14How good do you feel your team is at handling unexpected challenges?
06:19I think we manage pretty well.
06:20Ten out of ten, can we be done now?
06:22I should be out there rioting, like, you know, whichever nationality are best at rioting.
06:27Here are my guesses.
06:28Oh, gotta cut off that racial tirade and dock your two boys, baby.
06:32How about the rest of you?
06:34You kooky cats run a humane workplace?
06:36I'm new here, but so far, everybody seems pretty respectful.
06:40Pfft.
06:40Okay, well, doesn't seem very respectful to not tell your employees
06:44about some new guy you hired without their input.
06:46Can we not do this right now?
06:48I thought you'd be happy I brought someone in to pick up your slack.
06:52What slack? We're always busy.
06:54Maybe if you didn't keep working with every maniac off the street.
06:57Actually, this program can generate clip-like simulations
07:00and as it is your efforts.
07:02Good, because I can think of several incredibly visual examples.
07:07I accidentally bought the kind of car that runs over my brother
07:10whenever he pisses me off.
07:11We need to sue Toyota and we need to sue my brother.
07:15We can help you.
07:17I want to sue my own penis.
07:19We'll take him down.
07:20So the casino is saying I can't keep my winnings
07:23because I'm actually two kids in a trench coat.
07:26Which is exactly what I want them to think.
07:29So why do you need us?
07:31Why, I want to sue my own penis, of course.
07:34Our specialty.
07:35Wow, that was upsettingly accurate.
07:38I'm scanning your brains.
07:40Ah!
07:41Well, me and Lincoln have been working together seamlessly.
07:44Oh, like how you wowed everybody at the fancy clients mixer.
07:48Folks, looks like we got another.
07:52Tell me, Miss Flumby, do you enjoy Tolstoy?
07:56Hell yes, I do.
07:58Buzz, Woody, lots of Huggy Bear.
08:01Frigging Slanky Dog.
08:03So I goofed one time.
08:06Well...
08:07Oh, wonderful jest, Miss Flumby.
08:10But let's change gears.
08:11Do you enjoy Schubert?
08:13Sheila, he means...
08:14Delbert's shoe is a character now?
08:17Ah!
08:17Dogbert's not gonna like that.
08:19Well, it's not like Irene's workplace etiquette is so amazing.
08:26Irene, is there a fire?
08:27What's going on?
08:28Whoa, you look so cool and grown up.
08:31I am so cool.
08:33Thanks to smoking cigarettes.
08:34But surely looking cool is the only benefit smoking provides.
08:39Well, don't tell anyone.
08:41But cigarettes are also the secret to my huge muscles and perfect teeth.
08:45Wow, if I was a kid, I'd want to be just like you.
08:48I'll be right back.
08:49I'm just gonna go get extra smoke by having the rest of these
08:51inside an abandoned refrigerator.
08:56Okay, what Irene did in that clip was objectively perfect,
09:00but sometimes she's also bad.
09:02Well, all I can say is that as a male leader,
09:05I'm doing my best to foster a safe place for all my female employees to thrive.
09:11A-ring-a-ding-ding!
09:13My HR programming awards you 10 points for ham-fisted lip service.
09:17Speaking of lips, and fisting, and service, and ham, let's move on to the next question,
09:24which is about inter-office dating.
09:26The forbidden fruit of a boss's thigh, or a male boy's foot, don't do it, yeah!
09:33Frank Sinatra had an affair with Humphrey Bogart's wife, Lauren Bacall,
09:37while old Bogey was dying of cancer. Are there any office romances that you need to disclose?
09:44Ew, obviously not.
09:46Well, technically, we've had sex.
09:49What?
09:50It just happened once, and it's really not a big deal.
09:56It's actually a huge deal.
09:58Now we have to dissect your entire sexual encounter in extreme detail right after this.
10:04Mmm, there are ads?
10:06Oh, boy. I have to give a big presentation at work that'll really wow the boss,
10:12but all I have is a 20-minute video that quickly and concisely lays out the points I gotta get
10:17across.
10:18I'm fired for sure.
10:20Maybe not. What if I told you there was one company brave enough to make themed six-hour-long corporate
10:25virtual reality experiences?
10:27Man, this sucks! First Kevin exists, now I gotta watch a commercial to hear my uncle talk about his penis
10:33activities!
10:35Please! Good Purpose of Las Vegas! Stop your looting! Please, you freaking old bastards! Stop it!
10:43Ah, jeez, they're looting already! Soon there won't be a single unflipped car in all of Las Vegas.
10:50All right, enough. I'm out.
10:53Why can't I get out of this thing?
10:55Because it's locked on your head, doll face!
10:57And it ain't coming off until you completed the program.
11:01Did you not hear me crooning all the fine print?
11:03A premature exit from the game may cause seizures and diarrhea!
11:10Minus one point!
11:12All right, you swinging cats, let's get sexual!
11:20Again, we're not a couple. Also, Irene is 16.
11:24Taken care of, baby!
11:28There's no air?
11:29Oh, sure there is! So, tell us all how it started. Any pay-for-play, an exchange of money, promises,
11:35and favors, milk stuff. Are you a milk boy?
11:38We both got really worked up from doing like 100 cases for a judge who got his head cut off,
11:42so we did what came naturally. It was the most normal thing in the world!
11:45And then it stayed normal. The end.
11:47Legally, I gotta see it.
11:50Ooh, Lincoln. Dirty rodents don't belong in a nice office building.
11:54What's an exterminator to do?
11:56Please, ma'am, just make it quick and squash me.
12:05Yags! I have the combined sexual memories of some terrible men, and even I know that's weird, kid.
12:11Tell me, Sheila, did any permanent physical or professional harm result from this encounter?
12:16No! I was worried Lincoln might get weird, but he didn't.
12:19It was a one-time thing.
12:20Like when I one time had jacuzzi sex with Elvira, mistress of the night?
12:26Huh? Huh?
12:28Ah, they gotta be real rats!
12:31Okay, if we're all done trying to trick old Rocco into generating porno, I've got good news.
12:39Oh, congratulations.
12:42Did you know?
12:43You mean about the two of them boinking their yoinkers?
12:46Of course.
12:46Yeah, it was kind of obvious.
12:48I'll kill you slow.
12:50Death thread minus sweaty poids.
12:52Before we move on to team building, one more Rat Pack fun fact.
12:56Everyone just kind of went along with the way Frank Dino and the rest mistreated Sammy Davis Jr.
13:01How have you abused each other?
13:04Okay, then if nobody has any other complaints, we can move on to-
13:07Oh, I do!
13:07Me too!
13:09Me too!
13:09Me too.
13:10Clips!
13:11I did all this work to help Glem win, and he's hogging all the glory.
13:15That can't be true.
13:17Glem is the most humble man who ever lived.
13:20Congrats, Glem.
13:21You really did it.
13:23Oui.
13:24Oui?
13:25Really?
13:25Of course, oui.
13:27Oui meaning French for yes.
13:29I did it!
13:30I'm the best in the world!
13:32Ugh, Sheila!
13:34Stop getting your smut sent to the office!
13:36Why don't you just look at porn online?
13:37Because I-
13:38There's porn online?
13:39I gotta go-
13:40Irene, I gotta go!
13:41Porn's online now!
13:42Tell Lincoln I'll die!
13:46Oh yeah!
13:47Irene, stop getting your smut sent to the office.
13:50What's up, Irene?
13:52It's me, Carter.
13:53Let's go play tennis, pal.
13:55Oh my god, Sheila!
13:57For the millionth time, I won't be in your gender-swapped white chicks movie!
14:00Which for some reason, you're calling White Chucks?
14:04Carter!
14:05There you are, man.
14:06Ready to go play tennis?
14:08I can't believe anyone even saw that piece of crap.
14:10White Chucks made 31 million opening weekend domestic-
14:16I don't have a lot of male friends.
14:19Activity time.
14:22Boy, the parts of my amalgamated personality that are raging drunk sure are thirsty.
14:28Time to test your communication skills.
14:30My drink order will pop up here.
14:32It's your job to work together to fill it.
14:35This is like that fun cooking game that I'm pretty sure caused my brother's divorce.
14:40Nope, no time for Kevin-Lore.
14:42Look, I know we're all a little annoyed, but can we just power through this so we can keep our
14:47business?
14:47Well, your time starts ring-a-ding now.
14:51Okay, Sheila, you take the salt rim station.
14:53Irene, you're on garnish duty.
14:55And Kevin, you take muddling.
14:57Oh, help me!
14:58I know it looks funny, but this really hurts!
15:01Okay, we're gonna have to cover for Glem.
15:03Kevin, I need some blood oranges.
15:04Cover for me, Glem.
15:06All I do is contribute.
15:08Oh, okay.
15:09Let's go over your contributions for the last month.
15:12Glem, please just file the paperwork this time.
15:15Like I'm so easily distracted.
15:19Hey, I need that to look cool!
15:22I hope you're ready for several hours of fighting crow!
15:25Oh, the old fish-out-of-the-window con.
15:31Glem.
15:33Glem, friend.
15:37Glem.
15:42Glem, did you file that-
15:44What the hell?!
15:45Lincoln, don't panic, but I'm gonna need you to immediately start kissing my legs so they know you're not challenging
15:50my dominance.
15:51Oh, and tell me one way a law firm can't use an army of crows.
15:57Yeah, that's a great example of how much Glem rules.
15:59So what if he sucks at this game? It's not his fault he's so old and decrepit.
16:03I'm not old, Irene. I'm 63. That's Gen X. I was the original bass player in Bikini Kill.
16:10I don't know what Bikini Kill is.
16:12Neither did I, according to Kathleen Hanna.
16:15Okay, seriously, Irene, if anyone needs to listen to Bikini Kill, it's you.
16:18Secondly, we're trying to run a business.
16:20Yeah, Irene, you're a smart kid, but you've still got some growing up to do.
16:24I mean, you still believe in Santa, like, three months ago.
16:26That was a blind spot. I am mature!
16:29Oh, really?
16:30No one has ever taken an interest in me like this.
16:33They all think I'm a freak.
16:36You're beautiful, inside and out.
16:40Go to prom with me.
16:42Again? Irene, please stop making bets you can turn nerds into prom kings and queens.
16:47The last one is still crying outside.
16:50Irene, I got your favorite song.
16:53Love me!
16:55Why am I the one who gets called out?
16:57You old...
16:58Great news. Rent this month is covered.
17:07Son, you call that dancing with your future wife?
17:11Why can't you please women like your brother?
17:13I'm trying, Mommy!
17:16This is the best birthday ever.
17:19I know it's hard, Sheila, but cats can't live forever.
17:23But I wanted more time with little Overton O.B. Wakefield Jones!
17:28Hello? Is this 92.9's Pud Master in the morning?
17:32Damn it, Charles!
17:33Told you not to call me during Double Price Friday fartstravaganza!
17:37I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel sad. He loved you.
17:41Oh, great! So I'm failing him!
17:43Dr. Sneak and boys, Rodney and 103.9 WGRP, The Grove?
17:48Yeah! Charles, again!
17:51If it's any consolation, the machine we use to practice ignoring Glenn is really starting to work.
17:58Charles, I swear to God! Wait, Dr. Sneak! Don't hang up! No!
18:05That does make me feel better. Can you pass me a tissue?
18:10Everyone steals tissues from the bank. You're just mad about me and your Uncle York and our boinkers.
18:14You think I can't handle knowing stuff? I'm the firm's investigator! I carry a legal handgun!
18:20I'm the only one who knows Glenn's real name!
18:22And I hate that she won't tell me!
18:25Sheila had five other business partners before you!
18:28What?
18:28Oh, yep. She's been doing the magician slash creative director act all over town.
18:35Lincoln, you didn't really think you were my first, did you?
18:38I can't help being a sad sack white dude magnet.
18:40I put you on the sign. I thought what we had was professionally special.
18:45Don't project your sex feelings onto this.
18:47The sex was nothing. I mean, yes, I have to make myself fall in love with a person to have
18:52sex with them,
18:53but I literally do that all the time. Well, how about this? Maybe you're not the best boss I've had.
19:00You're a control freak too broken up about his dead mom to see how needy he is.
19:04News flash, dawg. We all have dead moms.
19:07Not me!
19:08Your mom's alive? Is she like 130?
19:10I'm the titular Hole from the band Hole!
19:14Oh, hey, cool cast.
19:15Whenever Lincoln falls asleep at his desk, Glenn steals his plasma!
19:17Not to sell, just to look at.
19:19Fellows.
19:20Uncle Lincoln had an AI girlfriend on his phone until he wrote her a poem and she killed herself.
19:24Excuse me!
19:25What?!
19:25I just want to remind you that if you fail this challenge, you lose your license.
19:30Ah, the hell with it. I don't care any...
19:36More.
19:36Well, the new guy managed to complete the challenge while you birds were squawking.
19:41Almost seems like that should disqualify you, but for some reason it doesn't.
19:45Congratulations on your great teamwork.
19:49You can please return to your phones!
19:54Well, the car flipping is starting, so now I'm gonna have to wait till next month's riot.
19:59Let's just get this over with so I can never see these people again.
20:03Absolutely. Only like five or six more Rat Pack themed activities to go.
20:10Meatball.
20:13Rat Pack loved to cap things off with a roast.
20:16But since this is a whole HR teamwork deal, it's a toast.
20:19Okay, go.
20:23I've got something to say.
20:25You people are clearly awful and I'm stuck with you for the next two academic terms.
20:30But you know who else you're stuck with? Family.
20:34And you all make each other crazy in a way only families can.
20:38Irene is hurt because she looks up to you all.
20:41Glem is clearly deranged, but he's smart.
20:44Like John Wayne Gacy, who, last time I checked, was a pretty talented clown.
20:49Lincoln, Sheila, we're clearly in love with each other.
20:53Oh yeah, got Irene!
20:55God, thank you! See, this is why Irene's my favorite.
20:58Wait, um, what?
20:59You're my favorite. You're really smart and strong.
21:02It's like looking into a mirror.
21:04And little Lincoln, you're not my first business partner,
21:07but you're the only person who ever put me on the sign and let me be me.
21:11Dog Bird's not gonna like that.
21:14Yeah, he'd probably be like,
21:16Schubert can talk now? I'm Angry Bird.
21:19How untoward.
21:21Sorry. Here, have a cigar.
21:23Eat dye pack, you fancy bitch!
21:26Aw, I'm sorry too, Sheila.
21:29I didn't say sorry.
21:30And I'm sorry, Glem.
21:31And Irene.
21:32This place would suck without you freaks.
21:35Now, what's really helpful to us is this figure that shows how many...
21:38Attention shoppers!
21:40In celebration of me figuring out we have a public address system in the office,
21:43for the next half hour, we'll be holding a sale on...
21:48Uh, Lincoln's butt's poofs.
21:51Okay. So anyway, this figure...
21:53Damn it, Irene! Piece of shit! You get one chance at a first PA joke and you blew it!
21:57This is why you have no friends your age.
21:58This is why Dad left.
22:00You don't deserve to live.
22:01You should just take Glem's gun and just do what you...
22:04Happy birthday!
22:06Gotcha!
22:07So, with all due respect, I think I'll bring my wife's wrongful death suit elsewhere.
22:12Irene, I do think of you as mature, which is why you're my investigator and not some disgusting intern.
22:18But, I'm not gonna tell you when I have sex. That's weird. And not the fun kind of weird like
22:23Glem.
22:24Ahoy!
22:25Irene, take your time growing up. The adult world is full of hepatitis and crows and yeah,
22:31maybe you're part stupid, but you're far ahead of where I was when I was your age.
22:48The curse!
22:52I don't have anything nice to say about any of you and I think you all have drinking problems.
22:56Seven seconds left on the clock.
22:57Ah, fine! I love you all like a family and appreciate what each of you individually bring into my life,
23:01especially Glem, who I plan on stuffing and keeping in my basement after he dies, which will probably be soon.
23:05I'm younger than Colin Firth.
23:07That can't be right.
23:09Well, that was terrible, babies. But lucky for you, the score is just for fun and your grade is participation
23:16based.
23:17Oh, eat a dick, Rocco Prosecco.
23:19Minus ten points!
23:22And now the end is nigh. No more games left to play. I ate a long goodbye.
23:31So instead, I will just say...
23:35I think the headset's just unlocked.
23:38Wait, please, before you leave, just shut the computer!
23:40Please!
23:43I heard all the things you said about me.
23:45Yeah, huh? Did we miss the riot?
23:48Good news, Las Vegas. The hot dates have been restored to their horny, insensual former selves.
23:53And as an apology, they added a fifth one! It's named Rebunka!
24:00She's born Charissa's aunt, and that does come into play!
24:08I'm sorry we missed it.
24:10Who cares? There's Rebunka now.
24:13So now what?
24:14Well, I see one car left that's still upright out there.
24:24That's my car!
24:26Yeah!
24:57Good news!
25:03Bye-bye!
25:13Chirp
26:04Chirp
26:25Chirp
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