- 6 weeks ago
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TVTranscript
00:12All right, Winthrop and associates, settle down.
00:15We've much to discuss in this, my last week before retirement.
00:19Where are Pringus and Bench?
00:20I don't know. Where are they, Melissa?
00:23You're their wife.
00:24I'm their fiancé.
00:25I mean, I'm Bench's fiancé.
00:27I'm only marrying one of them, thank God.
00:30God wouldn't keep us apart, Melissa, but I bet you'd be yelling his name.
00:35My home dogs!
00:37Sorry we're late, everyone.
00:38Happy hour turned into happy 12 hours.
00:41And puke it next morning.
00:44Disgusting.
00:44Disgusting?
00:45Are we talking about Chase's botched circumcision?
00:49Points!
00:50You're swimming with the sharks!
00:51Season up big cheese, but when it's big boys out, can you play the right keys?
00:55Now you're in the big leagues, bumpin' with the big boys.
00:59Oh, yeah!
01:01Runnin' with the big dogs, buyin' all the big toys.
01:07I can't believe I'm about to marry my former paralegal slash best friend's ex slash the love of my life
01:14and move to D.C. to start my lifetime appointment on the Supreme Court.
01:18Well, I opened Malibu's first beachside law office.
01:23Slash, dueling guitar bar slash slash will make an appearance.
01:27Wow, there wasn't already one of those?
01:29Slash, you're stupid.
01:30Ignoring you, but not before we finally beat our rival attorneys,
01:34Grizzellini and Fjords, in the big case against Omni Incorporated.
01:38Yes, well, about that.
01:41I've got some bad news.
01:43The judge found a conflict of interest.
01:46Apparently Omni is secretly owned by Pringus' evil ex-stepdad.
01:51You're off the case.
01:52But I resolved that trauma two years ago.
01:54So, no epic last case, I guess?
01:57Ah, worry not, Bengus, my one-word nickname for you, too.
02:01You'll be defending a friend of mine, the inventor of Toilet 2.
02:06They've been market-testing it in Las Vegas,
02:08and something about the revolutionary new bowel evacuation technology
02:11seems to be putting people into comas.
02:13Ha-ha! You're going out on the toilet.
02:16Uh, like Elvis.
02:20A class-action suit is being brought by some billboard knuckleheads
02:24out of Sin City, um, Gumb and Flambe.
02:28One of them is a magician.
02:29They practice law on the strip.
02:32Ugh, what could be dumber than a magician in a law office?
02:36Here are those documents and vintage Playboys you wanted.
02:39My home dogs.
02:40Oh, thanks, Filer.
02:41Okay, so instead of defeating our rival firm
02:44in a deeply personal final case,
02:46we're defending a morally suspect toilet company against...
02:50them.
02:51Oh, oh, no, no, no, it'll be sick.
02:53I mean, after years of hitting no-look jumpers,
02:55Pringus and Bench are going to end on a slam dunk.
02:59Oh, looks like someone's not getting laid tonight.
03:04It's Chase.
03:06It is always Chase.
03:08The only thing this indoor skydiving studio is guilty of
03:13is showing its customers the magic of flight.
03:19Uh-oh.
03:20Sheila, how many dogs did you use?
03:23I don't know!
03:26I know a best man isn't supposed to say this,
03:29but I'm speechless.
03:31Didn't we meet these bozos at the Lawyer Awards?
03:33Who can remember slash care?
03:36You know, this magic crap might fly in little old Vegas,
03:39but this is Carson City,
03:40and we're real Versace suit-wearing law dogs.
03:43We're going to be wiping them off the soles of our Versace low-fures.
03:48Give it up!
03:50All right, we'd better get to work.
03:52Yeah, this case is going to require a lot of research.
03:56But first, cronies!
04:05Fringus, Bench, would you like to review
04:07the Toilet 2 documents I compiled for you?
04:11Uh, after we get back, okay, buddy?
04:14Yeah, hey, while we're gone,
04:16try not to get the photocopier pregnant.
04:19Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
04:21Good one, guys.
04:22I'm gonna miss you.
04:23Oh, we're gonna miss you too, Filer.
04:25Yeah, don't get so lonely you have oral sex
04:28with the friggin' water cooler.
04:30Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
04:31Got me again.
04:37Here are to thy gronies, my lieges.
04:40Oh, Piper, you've been like a bartender, therapist,
04:43and occasional sex partner rolled into one.
04:46This place sure won't be the same without us.
04:48If you mean it'll smell less like Elon Musk's filled cologne,
04:52then yeah.
04:53Nice.
04:54A lot of memories.
04:56Like the year you dated Lucy Liu.
04:58Or when that one-armed frat boy claimed to be your son.
05:00Or when you promised your fiancé
05:02you'd cut down the guest list over lunch
05:04and then went to the bar.
05:06Ugh, why did I even bother checking your office first?
05:09Melissa Coldsherry,
05:11if you were looking for me,
05:12you should have just checked your bedroom.
05:14Nice.
05:15Don't you mean our bedroom?
05:17Or is it my bedroom
05:18because that's where I friggin' own you?
05:20Nice.
05:21Maybe I'm so turned on by your ice queen act
05:24I can't think straight.
05:25Nice.
05:26Hmm, having trouble with straightness?
05:28Aw, maybe I'm marrying the wrong lawyer.
05:31Nice.
05:31Speaking of straight...
05:33Let me guess, you've got an erection.
05:34Nice.
05:35Guilty.
05:36Nice.
05:36Guilty?
05:37What am I, one of your clients?
05:39Nice.
05:40Funny.
05:40I thought you were opposing counsel
05:42because I'm about to friggin' rail you.
05:44Okay, you two need to get back to work.
05:45But first, Bench,
05:47you better make out with me
05:48before I make Pringus
05:49watch me shove that groany up your bro hole.
05:52Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice!
05:55Thanks for the groanies, but we gotta go.
05:57Not without one last song.
06:00Woo!
06:02Nice.
06:02Yeah!
06:03I love this!
06:05Ah!
06:06Wow!
06:14Let's give him the old Carson City welcome.
06:18Hey there.
06:19Pringus and Bench.
06:20Just a heads up,
06:21we've never lost a case,
06:23so there's no shame in giving up now.
06:26Yeah, no shame.
06:27Except your outfits.
06:28Well, just a heads up for you, Buster Brown,
06:32we're amazing.
06:34I'm even over Mommy's death.
06:36I've totally processed the death
06:38of my boyfriend's puppet.
06:39My name's Glim.
06:40I command an army of crows.
06:42And my pussy is less broken than ever.
06:45Sailor.
06:47I can't believe this is my last opening arguments
06:51with my beloved Pringus and Bench.
06:54Take it away, home dogs.
06:56Ladies and gentlemen,
06:57why do people go to Las Vegas?
06:59Why, to gamble, of course.
07:01But also, spectacle!
07:03And Toilet 2 is a high-tech marvel
07:06of bowel evacuation technology.
07:08It is a spectacle.
07:10And yeah, it has a small chance
07:12of possibly putting some people into a coma,
07:15making it a bit of a gamble.
07:17A small chance at a long nap?
07:19I wish all Vegas odds were that good.
07:23They shouldn't call it Toilet 2.
07:25They should call it the jackpot!
07:30You're up, John Arbuckle.
07:32My name is Lincoln.
07:36Back in little old Vegas,
07:38we have a few traditions,
07:41including magic.
07:43Sheila?
07:44Okay!
07:45I'm gonna need some personal items
07:46from the audience.
07:47Watches, keychains, wallets,
07:49don't worry.
07:49It'll be fun!
07:51Uh, objection, Your Honor,
07:53for robbing the freaking jury?
07:55This better be going somewhere.
07:58Oh, it's going somewhere, all right.
08:01Ta-da!
08:02I made your stuff disappear!
08:04See how bad it feels
08:06when you lose an important part of yourself
08:08to a toilet?
08:09But unlike the heartless creators of Toilet 2,
08:12we're not criminals,
08:14which is why we'll give you everything back.
08:19All we ask is that Toilet 2
08:21also be made to pay back
08:24what it took from our clients.
08:26Everything.
08:27Ooh!
08:28Wait a sec.
08:29Everything's soaked with toilet water!
08:31My watch is ruined!
08:33My phone is dead.
08:34Was there pee in there?
08:35I am incredibly pissed off!
08:41A party foul!
08:46Oh, that is something.
08:49Stop laughing, gum and flumby.
08:51This is not for you!
08:58You know, this last ride
09:00might be more fun than I thought.
09:01Uh, you think?
09:03Something tells me Pringus and Bench
09:05are going out on...
09:06Ah!
09:07What the hell, kid?
09:09Wait, you're that Vegas girl.
09:11The one from the courtroom today.
09:12Irene.
09:13Irene Gum.
09:14What are you doing here?
09:16Oh, I don't know.
09:17Where I work is so weird and gross.
09:20You guys are, like, fun and light.
09:21I want to be the kind of person who fits in here.
09:24Can I have a job?
09:25And you think you've got what it takes
09:27to bump with the big boys.
09:29Uh, hold up.
09:30Could be good to have an inside man.
09:33You want our inside man to be an inside girl?
09:36Sounds like this dude is scared to be inside a girl.
09:41Damn.
09:42Solid quip, Vegas.
09:44Okay, someone has to keep things cool around here
09:46after we're gone.
09:47You're hired.
09:48Yes!
09:50Huh.
09:52Hmm, you look happy.
09:54What are you up to?
09:55Oh, nothing.
09:55Maybe I'm just excited for your fiancée's bachelor party.
09:59You know something.
09:59I'm on to you.
10:00But she'll never be on you.
10:03Speaking of scoring,
10:04we're crushing our case.
10:06Let's just say the opposition's
10:08a few ice cubes short of a groany.
10:11Ah!
10:13Sorry, sorry.
10:14Ignore me.
10:15Okay, I was going to say
10:17they're missing more than the ice.
10:18They're missing the whole damn glass.
10:20Oh, sorry.
10:22Does everyone else see that muscular vampire?
10:25Yes, Lazarus.
10:26She's Irene, the new intern.
10:29Anyway, we're not worried.
10:31We have a problem.
10:32The toilet two patients are waking up.
10:35Uh, isn't that a good thing?
10:37Well...
10:39Wait, what actually happened to these people?
10:42It seems their minds were wiped clean of all memory.
10:45Been there.
10:48Very funny, Bench.
10:49She was a gifted brain surgeon, actually.
10:52You know, the victim you just made light of.
10:54Okay, that's not great,
10:57but we've tried harder cases.
11:00Remember Grenadine Hills?
11:01Yes, we falsified evidence to win.
11:04Whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:05We massaged the evidence.
11:07Don't worry.
11:08I know where his factory reset button is.
11:11But you still can't find mine.
11:15Oh, my God.
11:18Filer, how do you do it?
11:20Simple.
11:21First, you put your right hand in,
11:23then you...
11:23I'm sorry, you activated my Hokey Pokey mode.
11:26See?
11:27That's so lighthearted.
11:29Oh, how do you all fit together so well?
11:31Our eccentricities fill each other's gaps.
11:33That's what a found family is.
11:36I get it.
11:37God, this place makes me feel like...
11:39maybe everything will be okay.
11:41Light detector passed.
11:43You are not a spy.
11:44You do love Pringus and Bench.
11:46Oh, I really do.
11:48Hey, remember that thing Pringus did
11:49where he, like,
11:50fuck!
11:50Oh, I mean, damn, sorry.
11:52I get nervous and clumsy
11:53when I think about how great it is here.
11:55I assure you,
11:56that is a normal reaction to Pringus and Bench.
12:04Doctor, is it uncommon
12:06to experience memory loss in Las Vegas?
12:09Well, when you put it that way,
12:11I guess not.
12:12Yeah, I can attest to that.
12:14Woke up married to this guy once.
12:17That's a night I'm glad I don't remember.
12:20No more questions.
12:26Doctor, when you approved this toilet,
12:29did you know it was more dangerous
12:31than a-a-a-a freaking...
12:34Help me, Sheila.
12:35Um, Hitler masturbating,
12:37dressed like a sexy cow,
12:38uh...
12:40Abracadazzle!
12:41What?
12:42We also had sex,
12:44and we both came thrice.
12:47Oh, you all loved it
12:48when they joked about it.
12:50Gum.
12:50Flumbating.
12:51Shame on you.
12:54Smooth move, Vegas.
12:56And for the record,
12:57my hair is more ash blonde
12:59with honey highlights.
13:00Well, normally,
13:01my niece helps with the costumes,
13:04but...
13:04You stole her!
13:06Okay, truth.
13:08We don't let bad vibes linger.
13:10We like to do this thing
13:11whenever we go up against a new law firm
13:13where we go get a drink,
13:15we talk shop,
13:16we call it groanies
13:17with the competition.
13:19Why don't you guys come
13:20to my bachelor party?
13:22And this isn't some kind of ploy
13:24to get us drunk and groom us
13:26like a dog in a big sink
13:28and take pictures?
13:29No.
13:30Then we'll be there.
13:34Glem!
13:35Ah!
13:36I dozed off there for a second.
13:38Well, that's Carson City heroin for you.
13:41What did you just do?
13:43How are you so strong?
13:44Stay away from those people!
13:46She's got those free solo fingers!
13:48No, you're not listening!
13:49They're gonna try to groom you
13:51like a dog in a big sink
13:53and take pictures or something.
13:54Let me protect you.
13:55It's okay if you're going somewhere runchy.
13:57I'll wear my underage blindfold.
13:58Not that I can't handle eroticism.
13:59I watched the X-rated Hot Dates movie twice
14:01because I think I'm in love with Rebanka.
14:04I haven't heard of any of those
14:05horrible-sounding things.
14:07We'll be fine, kid.
14:08We're a pringus and bench.
14:16Ah, crap balls!
14:18Excellent office-appropriate swearing, Irene.
14:21Thanks, but I'm worried, Fyler.
14:23Me and my uncle don't belong in your world.
14:25I can feel myself ruining things.
14:26Like earlier today.
14:28Oh, whoops!
14:29Didn't mean to interrupt.
14:30You didn't.
14:31Uh, it's just that you guys have
14:33such a great love-hate office romance going.
14:35You must be dying to kiss each other.
14:38Oh, or, or start fighting.
14:40I love that you guys just fight all the time.
14:43Like, it just makes sense, you know?
14:45Why wouldn't your soulmate be the person
14:46that takes you down a peg
14:47at work and at home forever?
14:52Am I contagious?
14:53Have I brought cigarettes into the Garden of Eden?
14:56Irene, let me tell you something.
14:58The fact that you love pringus and bench
15:00means you do belong here.
15:02Oh, Fyler, can I hug you?
15:05Permission to hug?
15:07Granted.
15:10Ah, my first day of retirement.
15:13You know, Chase, I may have been hard on you, but...
15:18Ah!
15:22Oh, no.
15:23Oh, God!
15:24It's okay, Irene.
15:26It was an accident.
15:27Just break the cycle.
15:28Tell us the truth.
15:29We'll forgive you.
15:30It'll be a nice, happy ending.
15:32No!
15:33Do something stupid and ugly to cover your own ass.
15:36Lie!
15:37Lie to everyone!
15:40Cowboys are opposite of Sith Lords.
15:45Fyler killed himself!
15:47He jumped out the window and landed on Mr. Winthrop.
15:50I found his note.
15:51He couldn't take your cruel robot jokes anymore.
15:55It's his handwriting.
15:57Maybe this is just a traditional English pre-wedding prank.
16:01Very funny, Lazarus.
16:07We lost two great men this week.
16:09Lazarus was a titan.
16:12And Fyler was...
16:16A beautiful soul.
16:18And Bench!
16:19I want to go with him!
16:23No, Ben!
16:24We're Pringus and goddamn bitch!
16:27We don't lose!
16:29Look, you're gonna get married.
16:31We're gonna win this stupid goddamn toilet case.
16:34And everything will turn out how it is supposed to.
16:37And I'll see all you assholes at the goddamn grody zone tonight.
16:42And we will have normal fun!
16:45So help me, God!
16:52I can fix this.
16:53I must fix this!
16:59We should fire that creepy intern.
17:02Well, Chase, you know, inherited the firm, so she's his problem now, right?
17:09Right.
17:10I forgot.
17:11We're leaving.
17:12Yeah, for better things.
17:13Now, what do you say we let loose and show these people a good time, huh?
17:17To Pringus and Bench.
17:21Folks, it's been a...
17:23Rough week.
17:25But if tonight is gonna be epic, I...
17:29Hi, crinkly clams!
17:30This place smells like a rich lady's ponytail!
17:39Go, go, not clams!
17:40Oh, thank God.
17:42It was just a dream.
17:43But why am I so hungover?
17:46How many cronies did I...
17:47My friend's a doctor.
17:48She told me if you drink it in this position, you'll get way drunker.
17:53Teenagers discovered it.
17:54It's why you see less and less of them these days.
17:57Bench, what happened last night?
18:00Did we make it to the axe-throwing place?
18:02Welcome to paradise!
18:03Can you believe this place is completely owned and run by active fugitives?
18:08I don't know.
18:09Seriously.
18:10Pringus, what did we do?
18:11Are we bad people?
18:13Yeah, we'll figure it out after the wedding.
18:16Oh, God.
18:17The wedding?
18:18We're late!
18:19Bench, we gotta go now!
18:21Oh, my God.
18:21Where are the tuxes?
18:24Hungover and late to my own wedding.
18:26You know, this actually feels like classic us for the first time,
18:29and I've never seen this part of my body without a mirror.
18:32Well, welcome to the party, pal.
18:34Oh, God.
18:35Did I cheat on Melissa?
18:37Bench!
18:37Our priorities need to be wedding.
18:39wedding, then case, then reckoning with our horrible truths.
18:43Okay?
18:44You're right.
18:45You're right.
18:45Let's go.
18:46First time you kill a man, you're killing the you that never did that.
18:49After, you're just rearranging who's above and who's below.
18:53Take it from me, sweet Tomas.
18:55Pringus, who is sweet Tomas?
18:57Do not say his name!
19:11Pringus and Benchelmen, we gather here...
19:14Any later for this wedding, Bunchy boy, and this would have become your funeral.
19:18My entire universe is spiraling away from me, and you're the one piece of wreckage I can cling to.
19:24We love each other, right?
19:26Oh, thank God!
19:28Ever since we talked to that weird intern, I have been spiraling.
19:31Let's call it off!
19:32Well, hold on.
19:33Maybe we could...
19:34No, this is right.
19:35And I learned something else about myself last night.
19:38Ooh, Melissa.
19:39Dirty rodents don't belong in nice office buildings.
19:42What's an exterminator to do?
19:45Like all workaholic lawyers, I crave kinky, exterminator-themed sex.
19:51Yeah, baby!
19:52But, Bench, this is good.
19:53We're free.
19:55We have the rest of our lives ahead of us.
19:56You can go to D.C., and I...
19:58I fixed everything!
20:01I brought Byler back!
20:03I do belong with all of you, see?
20:05Demon!
20:11No!
20:15Grabels.
20:19Crazy week, huh?
20:21The only reason we're here is that Pringus and Bench don't lose cases.
20:24Otherwise, I'd grab the bailiff's gun and kill you, then myself.
20:28He probably wouldn't mind.
20:29In Vegas, I shoot guns in court all the time.
20:35I tried to be normal and likable, and people died.
20:38Normal's just a street in Los Angeles, kid.
20:40And guess what I found when I went there?
20:42This weird human tooth.
20:44And it belongs here.
20:46With us.
20:47Like you.
20:49It's good to be back.
20:51We'll hear closing arguments now.
20:55You know what?
20:56Toilet 2 is dangerous.
20:58And it puts people in comas and erases their minds.
21:02Testing it on humans would be cruel.
21:06But I submit, these Vegas people, they aren't human.
21:10They don't react normally to, like, the most basic things.
21:13It's like they don't have souls.
21:15Oh, do go on.
21:16It's against their nature to let something just be sweet and fun and airy.
21:22They have to make it dark and strange and crass.
21:26So let's put their broken minds where they belong.
21:31In the toilet.
21:32Bangus rests.
21:35That's it?
21:36All right.
21:38Next.
21:39Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I admit that I was having trouble thinking of how to close
21:44this case.
21:44But then, someone gave me an incredible idea.
21:53Six chambers, one bullet.
21:55Not good odds, wouldn't you say?
21:57Mr. Gum, what are you doing?
21:59Shut up.
22:00This is a full circle thing for us.
22:01More than 20% of all Toilet 2 users get their brains turned into potato salad.
22:07Worse odds than Russian roulette.
22:10If you're okay with Toilet 2, then you're okay with watching me pull the trigger.
22:16Shall I?
22:18Oh my God, stop it.
22:20I hate this.
22:21The gun is metaphor for toilet.
22:24We know.
22:25But it's more than that.
22:27It's a metaphor for the risk of not being yourself.
22:30We came to your big city court and tried to change who we were to be like Pringus and
22:37Bench.
22:38But we're not, and that's okay.
22:41I'll never let some popular big shots take away who I am.
22:46And you shouldn't let some fancy toilet take away who Vegas is.
22:52Because freaks need stuff to enjoy, too.
22:55I rest my rootin' tootin' case.
22:59Oh, whoops.
23:00That is enough, Mr. Gum.
23:02Pringus and Bench are incredibly highly rated members of this community.
23:05Which makes what you just said even more awesome.
23:10Striplaw wins!
23:17You know, Malibu, gronies, the law, Merseys, I don't care about any of it anymore.
23:29Let's start over.
23:31Start fresh.
23:34What do you say?
23:35One more trip around the bend?
23:37Okay.
23:38But this time, you be Bench.
23:53Ready.
23:55Ready.
24:23We did it!
24:26Thanks to the power of friendship.
24:28Bring it in.
24:31Glem, are you okay?
24:35I don't feel so good.
24:36I feel like...
24:40Oh, my God.
24:43This wind must have given him enough experience.
24:46He's...
24:47evolving!
24:52Glam evolved into Glamissimo!
24:55Glam...
24:57Is...
24:58Glamissimo!
25:00Glamissimo!
25:03Glamissimo!
25:05Glamissimo!
25:05Glamissimo!
25:05So I guess Glam is just like this now?
25:08Glamissimo!
25:09Glamissimo!
25:10Glamissimo!
25:12Glamissimo!
25:16Glamissimo!
25:16Glamissimo!
25:17Glamissimo!
25:20Glamissimo!
25:22Eh!
25:23Oh, my God!
25:29Yeah!
25:29I'm so kind of a gift.
25:30I'm so good.
25:31I'm so good.
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