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00:09When you sentence this man for his drunk driving, I urge you to remember the damage he's done
00:17to this community. Physical, yes, but also emotional.
00:22I object.
00:23On what grounds?
00:24On, uh, on the grounds that we're old golf buddies.
00:28Sustained.
00:30I think the most appropriate punishment for a drunk driver who crashed his car into a crowded soup kitchen is...
00:35I sentence you to coach a youth basketball team.
00:40What?
00:41Oh, hell yeah!
00:43Ha-ha!
00:43Bang, bang, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
00:47ding, ding, ding!
00:47Bop, bop, bop!
00:47Ch-ch-ch-ch everybody!
00:50Hey, hey, hey, come on a monster!
00:53All right now!
00:55Yeah, baby, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama!
00:57It's a hell of a loser world!
01:29Yeah, it's red hot dogs!
01:29lovable outcasts and he gets good PR. Enough is enough. Two can coach at that game, meaning I
01:37will coach my own ragtag kids basketball team. We got that. Now to coach these kids, I'm going to
01:44need someone who understands physical fitness or maybe someone crafty enough to think up trick
01:50plays. Who's good at tricks? Of course, Barry Chandelier. Ahem. You know, Lincoln, I got more
02:00under my hat than a little gun named Dr. Problems. I also got 30 years experience in fixing children's
02:07athletics and a knife named Little Stinker. Let me help. That's okay, Glenn. Here's 200 bucks. Just
02:13go have fun. Hot damn! Let's go before he changes his mind. Come on, gang.
02:21Lincoln, we don't know anything about basketball. They want NBA player right now. Hurry up.
02:25Parles. Mr. Parles. The Eggman. Plub in plubbins. Okay, so you know one guy, but so does everyone.
02:34Come on, let me coach. I got to get out of this office with all its boring law papers and
02:38legal
02:39staplers. Okay, fine, but someone's got to find that horrible thing you bought. What thing?
02:46Hey, Sheila Stance. Remember when I said I would do something big to put this place
02:50on the map? Well, check out hashtag Baby Bertram. It's trending through the roof.
02:55Sheila, did you kidnap a baby? A baby named Bertram?
02:58What? No. Baby Bertram is a funny talking robot toy I got at the drugstore.
03:03I'm Baby Bertram, and I say work is for the friggin' birds.
03:09That is horrible. Sheila Flambe, we've got you surrounded.
03:13I did steal it, though.
03:15Oh, yeah.
03:16Oh, yeah.
03:18Bertram is wonderful.
03:20Where did you hide it?
03:21I don't remember.
03:22Oh, oh, oh. I'll find it, Unky.
03:24Great. Fury it in the desert.
03:25Fury me in, like, bikini models, daddy-o.
03:29Ah, he's perfect.
03:31All right, first things first.
03:32I don't like you, kid.
03:35I only care about one thing.
03:37My career.
03:38Okay.
03:39Come on.
03:39That's all right.
03:40How am I supposed to coach you?
03:42This kid's rude. This one's crude.
03:44This one has a single mother.
03:45And you've got a whole cowboy-based persona.
03:48This is never gonna work.
03:50Howdy, partner!
03:51You wish, kid.
03:53I only partner with sophisticated adult lawyers.
03:56Two different worlds.
03:58I would like one pee-wee basketball team, please.
04:01No narcs.
04:01Ooh, that's a dilly of a pickle.
04:04We don't have any left because a local judge
04:06keeps sentencing people with DUIs
04:07to coach youth basketball.
04:09You could wait until one of the current ones
04:10gets injured driving drunk.
04:12Sentencing them to coach children
04:13has not been a deterrent.
04:15So I'm left out of sports.
04:17It's like being a homeschool kid all over again.
04:19Oh, you were homeschooled?
04:21Yep. The whole homeschool experience.
04:23Skip three grades, still scared of strangers and the sun.
04:27Watch Cruel Intentions for sex ed.
04:29Who'd you take to prom, your maid?
04:31No, she didn't want to ruin our friendship.
04:33Well, homeschool kids don't have a team
04:36because the government doesn't legally recognize them as children.
04:38So if you actually want to coach them, you can start one.
04:42Hmm, coach the kids who are such kooky misfits
04:44that they can't even be on one of the kooky misfit teams.
04:48That's the kind of stuff that gets you on the cover of Barely Legal.
04:50The magazine that covers lawyers' lives outside the courtroom.
04:54Coach Nichols, you eat boogers for breakfast?
04:57No!
04:58I ate food!
04:59You doggone kids!
05:02You kids are starting to crack my tough facade.
05:05Soon.
05:07All right, time to hunt a baby.
05:10The most dangerous game.
05:11I wish the copier machine were a friggin' margarita machine or something.
05:18Good one, BB.
05:20Let's see.
05:21Baby Bertram was Sheila's date to that wedding,
05:24and Uncle Lincoln used him to practice standing up to intimidating men.
05:28Baby needs his bottle of beer.
05:32I'm a drunk baby.
05:34Wait, is it moving?
05:38All right, ladies.
05:39Which one of you is pregnant with Glem's cash baby?
05:45What in the bucket?
05:47Hot clams.
05:48I'm Glem.
05:49I'm a lawyer.
05:50Help me find my bounty.
05:54About dang time this joint figured out what people want.
05:58Let's boogie, baby face.
06:00Let's boogie, baby face.
06:03Okay, homeschool team.
06:05Huddle up.
06:06Who is that?
06:07It's a posset, not a trustee.
06:09Relax, Sheila.
06:10I got this.
06:11It's safe to come out.
06:12We won't teach you about evolution.
06:16I'm your coach, Lincoln Gum.
06:18Look, I'm one of you.
06:22When I say your name, raise your hand.
06:25Squirrel Barley.
06:26Hi, coach.
06:27Can you give me my various life-saving injections?
06:30Medical stuff is Coach Sheila's department.
06:32No take backs.
06:33Next up, Tap Walden.
06:34Oh.
06:35Would it not inconvenience your esteemed personage
06:39if I were to indulge in the recitation of a verse
06:42with your permission?
06:45Uh, verily, at the end of, uh, thine practice.
06:51Mildred Crumbles?
06:53Sir, coach, did you know a bee beats its wings
06:5611,400 times a minute?
06:58Yes!
06:59And you both are named Chanceley Johnson?
07:02Yes.
07:03Are you guys brothers?
07:05Yes.
07:07Lincoln, it's like these kids came from the remainder's table
07:09at Planned Parenthood.
07:11No, they're just a little off-beat.
07:13Like Nichols did.
07:16We're coming together
07:18Through the power of dance
07:21Okay, so, I've already learned the big movie lesson
07:25that all that matters is having fun.
07:27So Coach Sheila will handle all the basketball stuff.
07:30Now, uh, go have fun.
07:39Coaches, I threw up in my beekeeping suit, as usual.
07:42Also, my nose is bleeding.
07:44Also, what happens when you die?
07:46Well, first your eyeballs glib.
07:48Water break.
07:49Lincoln, I'll be right back.
07:50I just got an incredible idea.
07:56This sounds like it's in, uh,
07:58Gwem's secret drawer.
08:02Uh-uh-uh, you didn't say the magic word.
08:06Uh-uh-uh, uh-uh.
08:07Please!
08:08God damn it!
08:09I hate this Gwem crap!
08:11Where's the beef, honey?
08:12The beef is what's for dinner!
08:15Ha-ha!
08:17This is how you guys have fun?
08:20There's nothing in the rule book
08:22that said a dog can't play basketball.
08:24It is a sin for dogs to wear people clothes.
08:28That's his Vatican, too.
08:30Man, are you kids allergic to fun?
08:32Ha-ha!
08:35Okay, that's enough body fluid for one day.
08:38Good job, everyone.
08:39We're gonna give them heck at the game.
08:41This wasn't a game?
08:42No, no, this was a fun practice.
08:45Our fun game is tomorrow
08:47against kids on a different team.
08:48Real school kids?
08:50Children of the desk?
08:52Yes.
08:53It'll be fun.
08:56So glad they called this at the half.
08:58You know, I've never seen them use a scoreboard
09:01to show how many nosebleeds
09:02the teams gave each other
09:03instead of the score.
09:04Well, thanks for having your kids fake a couple.
09:07Yeah, it was no problem.
09:09Anyway, I have some drunk driving to do.
09:12At least this is just pee-wee basketball.
09:14No one actually cares about winning or losing.
09:29Ah, nuts to you.
09:31I've wasted enough of my time
09:33in my hard-earned money gambling.
09:35Time to pick up the pieces of my broken life.
09:38Nuts to you.
09:40I would never do that.
09:42Relapse bonus!
09:44Now this is pod racing.
09:49Whoa, they made me my own Waluigi.
09:52What's his name?
09:53Is it something good?
09:54It's-a me!
09:56Glalulelem!
09:57Nope.
10:00You're an embarrassment.
10:03Father only loves a winner.
10:05Insert more money to make me proud!
10:08Excuse me, please.
10:10Who made this?
10:12And how did they know my father's dying words?
10:16Oh, well.
10:23What'll it be?
10:25Uh, six giant cream corns and buttermilks.
10:27You got it!
10:28Six homeschooling delights!
10:30Hey, do you guys want some tokens to play games?
10:33Good sir.
10:34We have not journeyed hither for the pursuit of videoed games.
10:38Our sole purpose is the acquisition of the milk and corn of human kindness.
10:42Milk and corn!
10:45Milk and corn!
10:46Milk and corn!
10:47Milk and corn!
10:49Milk and corn!
10:50Milk and corn!
10:51Milk and corn!
10:51Milk and corn!
10:52Milk and corn!
10:53Milk and corn!
10:53Hello, dickhead.
10:54You look well.
10:55How is your team doing?
10:56We may have lost, but they had fun.
10:59And that's really all that matters.
11:01Man, I knew that before you did.
11:03It's not fair.
11:04Also, it turns out, losing sucks and isn't fun at all.
11:11You have so much to learn, son.
11:13I feel bad for you.
11:14Stop having inner peace.
11:16We're enemies.
11:18Stop that!
11:20And what's with you and that kid's mom?
11:22You're married.
11:23Oh, Lincoln.
11:24You're so lost.
11:25Good luck with the season, bud.
11:27You're the villain, not me!
11:30Why don't we somehow meet in the championship and my kids show yours the true meaning of pain?
11:35I realize I sound like the villain.
11:39Curses.
11:41Slico the pizza bitch is baby Bertram's number one home dog.
11:45These two party bots can even...
11:47Say hey, hey!
11:48Hey, hey!
11:50Talk to each other.
11:51Oh, great.
11:52I can use this to track him down.
11:54Oh, my God.
11:57Bertram's a one baby party.
12:01What if one of you brings a gun onto the court?
12:03We could sneak some baskets in during the panic.
12:05Coach Lincoln, my dad says guns are only for protecting the bean farm from the government.
12:10Yeah, mine too.
12:11It's the same guy.
12:13No, it's not.
12:14If only one of you were, like, fast or strong.
12:17What about Horse Girl?
12:20Horse Girl is stronger than my pa.
12:21She delivered him unto the angel.
12:24I told you guys, no more imaginary friends on the team.
12:27We already have Eric the Pigman, Weepin' Thomas, a Glaluelum.
12:30Horse Girl is very real.
12:32Wild horses raised her, and she wanders the land near my family's compound.
12:37Raised by horses, eh?
12:39Don't get much more homeschooled than that.
12:46Man alive.
12:47How long have I been sitting here?
12:49I need to drain the proverbial penis.
12:53What do you want?
12:54Where are you going, Glim Jimen?
12:57Emily Melderson?
12:59My prom date from high school?
13:01Oh, I've got so many questions.
13:03But I gotta pee first.
13:05You don't need to leave to pee, silly boy.
13:08Glim's bounty has everything you need.
13:14Also, I don't blame you for the car accident.
13:17I would.
13:27Gather round, team.
13:28We have a surprise.
13:29Oh, pheasant under glass.
13:33Even better, I present to you our new center.
13:37Horse Girl.
13:50She's got the rage-filled power of Ron Artest with the fluid grace of Meta World Peace.
13:55We have our ringer.
14:12We're transcendent!
14:13I can't believe we found a powerful weirdo to counteract the weak ones.
14:17Maybe we can still make it to the finals by some miracle.
14:20They're calling it the opposite of a miracle.
14:23A plane carrying the top four children's basketball teams in the city has crashed with no survivors.
14:29And in gambling news, the crash leaves only two teams alive to play for the championship.
14:33Those of coach-slash-local-hero-slash-lawyer Steve Nichols
14:37and coach-slash-local-zero-slash-model-training's resident good boy, Lincoln Gumm.
14:42Ay, such a tragedy.
14:46This damp fog machine.
14:48As she always a-malfunctioning.
14:51Can you take down that picture of me with the Vegas' handsomest lawyer trophy?
14:56Turns out that was a radio station prank.
14:59Drinks for everyone!
15:00My team just gave me a Vegas' handsomest coach trophy.
15:04What a life-changing experience!
15:06That's also given my firm a bunch of incredible PR!
15:11And my wife is very into having three ways with single moms.
15:15I love life!
15:17Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
15:19Mr. O'Raviolio?
15:20I think your fog machine's acting up again.
15:23Fog machine?
15:24Lincoln, I haven't had a fog machine in 30 years!
15:33My god, he's been playing for four days straight.
15:36He doesn't want to spin, but he keeps feeding in more money.
15:38Your bespoke slot machine ideas created the perfect gaming device.
15:42Yay!
15:43Yay!
15:43Yay!
15:44What have I done?
15:45I can't justly release a device this powerful to the world.
15:49My only solace is that there was no way to know I was working for villains.
15:53Huzzah!
15:54The chemicals we dumped by the preschool exploded, just as I loudly hoped for.
16:00Welcome to the Greater Las Vegas Area's Pee-wee Basketball Championship.
16:05I am local character Lunchmeade.
16:07And I am M. George Wallace.
16:09Whoa!
16:10Boy, the filling inside this gym is electric!
16:14We haven't seen drama like this since the heyday of Mr. Paro's The Eggman Plummet.
16:20Now let's go down to the court for tip-off.
16:22All right, team, remember what I told you.
16:25Squirrel, you're allergic to rubber, so don't hold the ball too long.
16:28Tap, don't you wander off no matter how resplendent a bird you glance upon this summer's morn.
16:33And chancellies, whatever you do, do not look me in the eyes.
16:37Okay?
16:37Break!
16:41Ah!
16:43Ah!
16:43Ah!
16:44Ah!
16:45Ah!
16:45Ah!
16:45Ah!
16:46Ah!
16:46Ah!
16:46Ah!
16:47Ah!
16:47Ah!
16:48Ah!
16:50Ah!
16:53Ah!
17:02Well, there goes my ride home.
17:26No. This ends now.
17:32Don't kill me!
17:35I've never been to France
17:37with a naked lady.
17:40Damn.
17:42Dead.
17:44You're free.
17:45Live your purpose as you were meant to.
17:48Free of my perfidy.
17:50You asshole! I was playing that.
17:53But the game was evil. It took $40,000 from you.
17:56Yeah, but I like that little Waluigi guy.
17:59He reminded me of my Italian neighbors
18:01who's always stealing my bounty.
18:04But I, uh...
18:05Oh! Hakuno Matata bonus!
18:09Let's boogie babyface.
18:14All right, guys. No need to get down on yourselves.
18:17I have never seen such a horrible period.
18:19And I am Lunchmeat, the gross man.
18:22Like I was saying, keep your chins up.
18:24As mayor, I'm gonna tell the cops
18:26to make sure these kids have bad lives.
18:29Sir coach, might you grant my privilege
18:32to recite a verse to rally our forlorn spirits?
18:35You know what?
18:36Yeah. This feels like the part of the movie
18:39where you use an underappreciated skill
18:41to save the day.
18:50Apples, uh...
18:53Bapples, bapples...
18:54Oh, no! What am I saying?
18:57Y'all are so right. This team sucks.
19:00I'm starting to think God hates home school kids.
19:02Okay, y'all. I gotta go before they realize I'm talking to y'all.
19:05Now, I want you to read Chapter 8 while I'm at work.
19:09And remember, if you need something,
19:10you can always call random phone numbers
19:13until someone helps you.
19:25Got room for one more?
19:28Absolutely. You're up.
19:36Hey, man. It takes practice.
19:41Come back tomorrow and we'll try again.
19:43Thanks.
19:45By the way,
19:46do you think when our moms die,
19:48we'll see them naked before their funerals?
19:50What?
19:51Hey, sorry, kid.
19:53I'm kind and all.
19:54You gotta go.
19:57Kids, I'm sorry.
19:59I thought they were the evil team
20:01and we were the lovable underdogs.
20:03But that's wrong.
20:04We're not lovable.
20:06We're something else.
20:08We're homeschool kids.
20:11Those other kids grow up to be car salesmen,
20:14restaurant managers, and male nurses.
20:16They'll have barbecues and friends over to watch the game.
20:20But not us.
20:21We'll go to reptile shows and Korean War reenactments.
20:25And we'll never feel right in the world
20:28because we were never allowed to actually grow up in it.
20:32So?
20:33No.
20:34We can't win at basketball or life.
20:37But there is something we can do.
20:39We can go out there,
20:41channel all the inner rage and hatred
20:44that lurks in our homeschooled hearts
20:46and make those charismatic friend-havers wish
20:49they'd never stepped onto the court with us.
20:52So what are you?
20:54Regular kids or homeschooled monsters?
21:00Homeschooled monsters.
21:04Homeschooled monsters.
21:06Homeschooled monsters.
21:14Homeschooled monsters.
21:17Homeschooled monsters.
21:18Homeschooled monsters.
21:20Homeschooled monsters.
21:22Homeschooled monsters.
21:23Homeschooled monsters.
21:25Homeschooled monsters.
21:27Homeschooled monsters.
21:28Homeschooled monsters.
21:28The darkest day in pee-wee basketball history.
21:32This game has been called early and Lincoln's team
21:34is banned from youth sports in the entire state of Nevada.
21:38Okay, but does that count as a loss?
21:41Actually, technically, in all Vegas sports,
21:43you can win by knockout, so no.
21:46But you should obviously be ashamed.
21:48We won!
21:48Yeah!
21:50We never have to do sports again,
21:52and the normals are scared of us.
21:54I'm proud of you, monsters.
21:56Let's go get some orange juice and white fish.
21:59Juice and fish!
22:01Juice and fish!
22:02Juice and fish!
22:04Yeah!
22:05I'll destroy you for this.
22:07Ah-ha-ha!
22:09I undid your personal growth.
22:11Oh, man!
22:13You did!
22:14Balls!
22:15Hellballs!
22:16I guess I got a little, uh, extremely carried away
22:20by the bloodlust of children's sports.
22:22It's okay, bitch.
22:23Everyone got obsessed with something this week.
22:25It was the thing.
22:26Yeah!
22:28Yeah!
22:29Even William was obsessed.
22:31William is a man who made a whole machine about my face.
22:34It spoke with the voice of a dead girl,
22:36and I went to the bathroom in it.
22:38Sure.
22:39And just one question, Irene.
22:40What the hell?
22:43It's just a toy.
22:44It's-it's safe.
22:46Toys are fun, fun.
22:47For children of any age,
22:49ages eight to eighty.
22:51Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
22:52What the fuck?
22:53Run!
22:54I was controlling him the whole time with my phone.
22:57Torturing you is what I got obsessed with this week.
22:59Maybe next time you'll think twice
23:00before you drink one of Sheila's Mountain Dews.
23:03That was Glam.
23:04Oh!
23:05Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
23:07Whew, sorry.
23:24Strip law acknowledges that homeschooling is often the best solution for perfectly normal kids,
23:29but also sometimes it's for weird freaks.
23:32And twins!
23:34And twins!
23:35And twins!
24:22Chirp.
24:56Chirp.
25:27Chirp.
25:38Chirp.
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