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QI XL S23E04 - Wavey

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😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Music
00:02Music
00:04Music
00:10Music
00:22Music
00:26Good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we'll be struck by wave after wave of, well,
00:38waves.
00:39Making waves, it's Phil Wang.
00:41Surfing the waves, it's Sarah Pascoe.
00:47Mewling the waves, it's Tom Allen.
00:53And already waving a white flag, it's Alan Davis.
01:00Let's wave hello to our guests, Phil goes.
01:07Ooh, Sarah goes.
01:12Tom goes.
01:16And Alan goes.
01:21Right, let's dive right in with question one.
01:31What is 4.8 inches long, begins with W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster?
01:39Phil Wang.
01:41Phil Wang.
01:42Phil Wang.
01:43We're off and running.
01:45The experiments have proved very successful.
01:47What were you going to say, Phil?
01:49A warm hamster, perhaps?
01:50Oh.
01:51Heated up, well.
01:52Yeah, mine just gently microwaved.
01:53Can I just say, that out of nowhere, that is exactly the right answer.
01:57Oh.
01:58Oh.
01:59I thought we were all going to rip into you, because 4.8 inches is too big for a hamster.
02:00Is this a monster hamster?
02:01OK.
02:02OK, so I didn't necessarily say that the hamster was 4.8 inches, did I?
02:03I said, what is 4.8 inches?
02:04Is this a monster hamster?
02:05OK, so I didn't necessarily say that the hamster was 4.8 inches, did I?
02:07I said, what is 4.8 inches long, begins with a W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster.
02:11Wheel.
02:12I thought we were all going to rip into you, because 4.8 inches is too big for a hamster.
02:14Is this a monster hamster?
02:15OK, so I didn't necessarily say that the hamster was 4.8 inches, did I?
02:31I said, what is 4.8 inches long, begins with a W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster.
02:36Wheel.
02:37No, it was microwave.
02:38You got the right answer, and now I'm having to tell you what it was.
02:42But microwave doesn't start with W.
02:45Well, it is the waves that start with W.
02:48Oh.
02:49It's going to be a long night, isn't it?
02:51It's like theme, it's waves.
02:54Have you ever been in a restaurant where they tell you it's all freshly done, and you turn to each other and you go like this, right?
02:59You just go like that and you go, that means it's been microwaved.
03:02So we do that in the restaurant, you go like that.
03:03I think you're a bit posher than some of us.
03:05The tiny waves.
03:06Tiny little microwave.
03:07It's not that subtle, I'd say.
03:09No.
03:10Since you're doing it in front of your face.
03:12Also, that means something else in Essex.
03:14So be careful.
03:16So be careful.
03:174.8 inches.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:26About microwaves, the very first domestic-sized microwave oven was invented to bring half-dead hamsters back to life.
03:34Oh, wow.
03:35I know.
03:36So, quick primer on how microwaves work.
03:38Anybody know how they work?
03:39Don't they heat things up from the inside out?
03:42So, they have electromagnetic waves, and by definition, the wavelength can be anywhere from a millimetre to a metre, but they fire a wavelength of 4.8 inches.
03:52Ah, cool.
03:53Which is the thing that I asked about.
03:54And that is just the right size for the energy to be absorbed by the food, or in this case, by the hamster.
04:00So the energy in them is transferred to the food and it heats it up.
04:03Don't try this at home.
04:04Yeah, I was about to say.
04:05Yeah.
04:06No, no, it's a very bad idea.
04:07Because that wouldn't work.
04:08It'd hurt them.
04:09Yeah.
04:10They'd be dead.
04:11Yeah.
04:12Is it the frequency of microwaves that make the water molecules shake and that's what heat is?
04:16Yes, you're absolutely right, darling.
04:17It was really in-depth there, Phil.
04:18Yeah.
04:19I thought I was just coming here to mess around.
04:22Yeah.
04:23But you knew about the frequency of water molecules.
04:26I can't believe you've revised for the test.
04:29And why did they give us books on this?
04:31Yeah.
04:32Why were you scribbling like Good Will Hunting, like you've solved an equation?
04:34I'm just drawing waves for inspiration.
04:36Let's just see what I'm doing.
04:37Well, you were the first person to not draw a penis, so well done.
04:42Oh, it's a penis.
04:45Wavy one.
04:46Maybe just with very long pubes.
04:49So, 1950s, there was a British scientist called James Lovelock and he was working on a project to freeze and then reanimate cell tissue, okay?
04:59Now, you can see that that could serve all sorts of useful medical purposes.
05:03So, preserved tissues for transplant would be a good example.
05:06So, I don't think you'd be allowed to do this now.
05:09He gave hamsters an hour-long ice bath of minus five degrees Celsius.
05:15Yeah, it was not good.
05:16The heart stopped beating, they stopped breathing, and what you said, a lot of the water in their body froze to ice.
05:22So, they've got this frozen hamsters, and I like this, they experimented with various ways of reviving them.
05:28It tried thawing them out with intense beams of light, and this is all I've got on this, hot spatulas.
05:34I think it explains itself, really, hot spatulas.
05:38Really?
05:39Yeah, weirdly, it didn't work.
05:40And some of them...
05:41Hot spatulas sounds like a seedy late-night show, doesn't it?
05:43Yeah.
05:44Yeah, that's...
05:45Like, cooking-based.
05:46Yeah.
05:47Welcome to hot spatulas!
05:49Anyway, it won't surprise you to learn that some of these poor hamsters then got severe burns.
05:55Then, Lovelock decided that he would try firing microwaves at them.
05:59Now...
06:00I mean, what on earth is going through his mind at that point?
06:02Yeah, I don't know.
06:03I don't know.
06:04He's frozen them, he's tried to heat them up with hot spatulas.
06:07Yeah.
06:08And now he's going, do you know what, let's just ding them in the microwave.
06:11It does mean that he had only stuff from the kitchen.
06:14So, he was like, freezer, cutlery drawer, hot spatulas.
06:18Microwave.
06:19Yeah.
06:20Oh, thank goodness he didn't have an air fryer.
06:22That was next.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:26You have to understand, there were no domestic microwaves at this time.
06:29The only microwaves were owned by the government who'd used them for various purposes,
06:33like radar and stuff.
06:34Anyway, he fired microwaves at the hamster, which was frozen,
06:38and after a few seconds, it got up and started wandering around.
06:43So, it's a form of hamster cryonics.
06:46What is the difference between cryonics and cryogenics?
06:50Phil?
06:51Phil, yeah.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53Cryogenics is when it's people, cryonics is when it's hamsters.
06:58I like that.
06:59People often say cryogenics when what they actually mean is cryonics,
07:02so cryonics is to freeze somebody like you could freeze a human being and revive them.
07:05Cryogenics is the wider field of the study of extreme cold.
07:08Anyway, he never used it for cooking, Lovelock.
07:10He just stuck to the hamster thing.
07:12You'd think he'd be quite, he'd be exhausted at the end of the day.
07:14It would have been really handy for him to have a microwave meal.
07:16This is the James Lovelock.
07:17He was an environmental scientist.
07:20He wrote the revenge of the guy.
07:21He was the person who used science to prove that, you know,
07:24the climate catastrophe was coming if the earth heated up.
07:27Yes, he wrote the guy a hypothesis.
07:28But how did he get from that, from freezing hamsters?
07:31I mean, we've all got to start somewhere.
07:34You know what would heat up all the hamsters in the world?
07:37Climate change.
07:41The person who thought of actually building a similar thing specifically to cook food
07:46was an American physicist called Percy Spencer during World War II.
07:50But the one he made weighed over 340 kilograms and was six foot tall.
07:55So, possibly not the one for your kitchen, I would say.
07:59Also, it was designed so, like, organ transplants and things could be...
08:03Imagine waiting there on the trolley, about to have it done.
08:05Yeah. And then you hear, ping!
08:09It's ready!
08:11What would be worse is if they said,
08:13do you mind if we try some hot spatula sweats?
08:17We're convinced these hot spatulas must be good for some time.
08:19It must be.
08:20It must be a few people who've had heart transplants
08:22and it's still a little bit cold in the middle.
08:26Take it out and stir it halfway.
08:30Now, onto crime waves.
08:32Imagine you are a full-time wig thief.
08:36What would be your technique?
08:38Oh, I've failed so many times.
08:43It's harder than it looks.
08:44What worries me about this question is the full-time aspect of it.
08:47Yes.
08:48So, you'd have to make a lot of money.
08:50What's a time in history when you might have made a lot of money from?
08:53Georgian times?
08:54Yes.
08:55So, where are we?
08:56We were in the...
08:57In your face, Phil.
09:00Why am I the enemy?
09:01Because we're doing history now and we're all playing for ourselves.
09:05It's humanities.
09:06No.
09:07Oh, no.
09:08Bring it back to maths.
09:09Bring it back to this.
09:11So, 18th century, there's a wave of wig thefts, right?
09:15Because they're worth stealing, right?
09:17Everyday powdered wigs, nothing special, cost the equivalent of 100 quid today.
09:21But there were some that were so elaborate that they would be 5,000 pounds in today's money.
09:26And that's where we get the expression big wig from.
09:28He's a bit of a big wig.
09:29So, what would your technique be, do you think?
09:32First, I would get a monkey for some reason.
09:36Yes, that is one way of doing it.
09:38They often train small children and animals to steal them.
09:41So, you might get, for example, a child in a basket carried on somebody's shoulder,
09:47be just the right height to whip the wig off, and then the wig snatching team would run in opposite directions.
09:52Wig snatching team.
09:53I know.
09:54I would be more subtle.
09:55So, first thing, I might not want the person whose wig I'm stealing to know,
09:58so I'd want to swap it for something of the same weight really, really quickly.
10:02Like Indiana Jones, just the sack on the head, yeah.
10:06Or I would pretend I was a wig inspector and say,
10:09you've contravened some rules for wigs.
10:14Wig rules.
10:15I think you've got fleas, can I get rid of them for you?
10:18And then I've got it, haven't I?
10:20Or what about if you put Velcro on the inside of a tunnel or a bridge and...
10:27As people walked through, they'd be like, lovely, going through here, going through here.
10:31Suddenly, in the light, it's gone.
10:33Where is it?
10:34It's stuck in the tunnel, but by that point it's too...
10:36Yeah, you've closed the tunnel.
10:37You've closed the tunnel.
10:38Yeah.
10:39You've only got to wait 200 years for somebody to invent Velcro in your office.
10:42I like the people who go through the tunnel going through here, going through here.
10:46Yes, that's what I do in tunnels.
10:48I would run up and say, your wig's on fire, it's on fire, it's on fire!
10:51Give it!
10:52And then I'd grab it.
10:53Yeah.
10:55Imagine being...
10:56Imagine how undignified it would be like, don't you dare...
10:58You give me my wig back.
10:59I know what you're doing.
11:00You're trying to steal my wig.
11:01Go through here!
11:02Go through here!
11:03Go through here!
11:04Stop that man!
11:05He's got my wig!
11:06So, jostling somebody was one way of doing it.
11:08You get two boys and a dog, for example.
11:10One boy jostles a bewigged man, the other grabs the hairpiece, tosses it to the dog and they all go off in different directions.
11:15So, you might see a dog running past with a wig on?
11:17Why do you think wigs were so popular?
11:22People had terrible heads.
11:23Is it?
11:24Because there was no condition back then, so everyone's hair looked terrible.
11:28It looked a nice ease, Gabby.
11:29A lot of it's to do with syphilis.
11:30Syphilis was rampant.
11:31Oh, yeah.
11:32It caused men to lose their hair.
11:33What?
11:34I don't know what you mean.
11:35Wig crime.
11:36Why did it stop?
11:37Wigs went out of fashion.
11:38Correct.
11:39I don't know what you mean.
11:40Wig crime.
11:41Why did it stop?
11:42Wigs went out of fashion.
11:43Correct.
11:44I don't know what you mean.
11:46Wig crime.
11:48Why did it stop?
11:49Wigs went out of fashion.
11:50Wigs went out of fashion.
11:51Correct.
11:52Two points.
11:53So, there was a supposed wave of detergent theft in the United States in 2015.
11:58There was supposed to be a great wave and people were stealing it.
12:01They had to lock it to the shelves.
12:02It was because of drugs.
12:03Well, so, there was one police officer who said he had seen people buy drugs in exchange
12:08for sort of six bottles of detergent.
12:10It's like the Daz Doorstep Challenge, isn't it?
12:13Would you consider swapping your usual heroin for six bottles?
12:19QI wash.
12:20I imagine that's always been popular.
12:21I mean, it's something everybody needs.
12:22It's untraceable.
12:23It's easy to steal.
12:24You can get rid of all the evidence.
12:25Yes.
12:26I was in the supermarket the other week and the bottles of olive oil were in Perspex cases,
12:39lock boxes.
12:40Wow.
12:41On the shelf.
12:42Because they were £10 each.
12:44That's the state we're at.
12:46I always thought, like, the price of...
12:47When people talk about the price of oil going up, I didn't know they meant extra virgin.
12:51Oh, you'd want to be oiled up if you had a hot spatula.
12:52You would.
12:53In 18th century London, it was easier for crime to pay.
13:09Oh, yeah.
13:10I like that.
13:11It kind of slid off the edge of the...
13:16Just that noise.
13:17Now, what wouldn't you want to find in a hairdresser's pocket?
13:21Uh, my husband's phone number?
13:24I'm not saying they're all hussies.
13:28No.
13:29Some of them are.
13:30Statistically.
13:31More hair that they stick back on when you're not looking?
13:36Because then you've got to come back.
13:37It's weirdly...
13:38What happens is you go off on a tangent and get quite close to the real answer.
13:42Oh, really?
13:43OK.
13:44The whole show is about waves.
13:45What were waves, early waves in the hair?
13:47Perms.
13:48Perms, absolutely right.
13:49Early perms, short for permanent wave.
13:51And they were sometimes called pocket perms by hair stylists because it was such rough chemicals
13:57that what would happen is that large chunks of hair would break off and the stylist,
14:02instead of telling you that, would grab it and not want you to know and stick it in their pocket.
14:08So you wouldn't...
14:09Yeah, and you were sticking up from earlier.
14:10Yeah.
14:13Have you ever had a perm?
14:14Have you had a perm?
14:15I wanted a perm, Mum wouldn't let me.
14:16Why?
14:18Because she's a bitch.
14:21Oh, you'd be a very good therapist, then.
14:22Yeah.
14:23Right to the heart of people in one question.
14:24No, don't...
14:25LAUGHTER
14:26LAUGHTER
14:27My mum's...
14:28I'm under such strict instructions to never mention her in any of my comedy.
14:33Right, and I'm trying so hard and I can't believe that slip tag.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:41My mum's... I'm under such strict instructions to never mention her
14:45in any of my comedy, right?
14:47And I'm trying so hard and I can't believe that slipped out.
14:50I can't believe that slipped out.
14:52She does watch QI. She does watch QI and she's a really lovely woman.
14:55What's her name? Gail.
14:57Gail, can I just say we'd like to dedicate this whole show to you?
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02And we're sending Sarah home with a perm.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:07So the very first perm machine was invented by a hairdresser called
15:11Charles Nessler in 1909 in Paris.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:17That's a milking machine.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:21The thing is, he didn't really bother about health and safety.
15:23His wife was his very first volunteer and he burnt all her hair off.
15:27Oh, no!
15:29Yep, scalded and blistered her scalp several times.
15:31He blistered her scalp? It's so funny.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:38Sorry.
15:40Sorry.
15:42He basically applied an alkali substance to his client's hair.
15:44So he started with cow's urine.
15:48Mm!
15:49Later moved to borax.
15:50That is the chemical we use today in laundry detergent and for rat poison.
15:54And then he wrapped hair around heavy rollers which were 100 degrees centigrade.
15:59But each one of those rollers weighed a kilo and so he had to have that contraption, the counterweights to try and take the strain off the head and they had to sit like that for six hours.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:09It's impressive she won Miss America with art on her head.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:14Now, can you recommend a reliable way of having a brainwave?
16:20I always find, just as I'm about to go to sleep, the most relaxed I can be while still conscious, that's when I'll think of something.
16:26Business people say that they call it the shower principle instead of being in water.
16:30OK.
16:31That's big.
16:32So between you, you've had an idea, which is quite exciting.
16:34Tom!
16:35Yes.
16:36So water and being on the edge, the precipice of something.
16:39Sitting on the edge of a bath.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:46That's how they came up with the idea for the towel.
16:48LAUGHTER
16:50There's a professional inventor in Tokyo called Dr Yoshiro Nakamatsu and he comes up with his best ideas underwater, OK?
16:58But his method is to bring himself to the brink of drowning, right?
17:03He believes that the lack of oxygen is what engenders his creativity.
17:07He says, half a second before death, I visualise an invention, and he dives down with a waterproof notebook and pencil,
17:14his own invention, and he sketches out his ideas.
17:16He's applied for three and a half thousand patents in his time.
17:19These are his boots that he invented.
17:21What do you think they do?
17:23Are they for stealing wigs?
17:25LAUGHTER
17:26100% could do that, because they're just for bouncing.
17:29So that was his idea, he nearly died.
17:31For that.
17:32Yeah.
17:33So does someone else wake him up?
17:34Like, who's in charge of the, OK, he's about to die, get him out?
17:38I think he just comes out of the water at that point.
17:40So he's in control of all of this?
17:41That's the theory, until he dies.
17:43I mean, unless he drowns himself.
17:44And that might be his very best idea.
17:45And we never would know.
17:46He stays for an extra half a second.
17:48It's kind of like auto-erotic asphyxiation, but for ideas.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:54At least that's what he says.
17:55He bursts out of the water and says,
17:57Bouncing shoes! Bouncing shoes!
17:59LAUGHTER
18:01Is that it?
18:02Is that what you've come up with?
18:03And then he runs into Dragon's Den, sopping wet.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:07He has actually invented a wig, funnily enough.
18:09It's a wig that doubles as a weapon.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:12So, yeah.
18:13So, it's lined...
18:14Great ideas.
18:15Well, is it?
18:16Definitely worth it.
18:17It's lined with metal, so that you can throw it at an attacker.
18:21Isn't that odd job in James Bond?
18:24LAUGHTER
18:25It's attached with a rubber string, so you can pull it back.
18:27You don't want it coming back at you, do you?
18:31Yeah, exactly.
18:33His soy sauce spray bottle, I think, is very clever.
18:36You can evenly spritz your sushi.
18:38That's quite good.
18:39Oh, that's a good idea.
18:40Yeah, that is a good idea.
18:41But it's not worth nearly dying, is it?
18:42No!
18:43When there's other ways of getting soy sauce on things.
18:45Those little fishes, they are good.
18:47Yeah, but you get the rice...
18:48The rice gets soaked and it falls apart.
18:50I don't mind if he drowns up by accident,
18:53because that's a really good invention.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:56OK, he also invented an electromagnetic condom.
18:59Again, fantastic.
19:01Fantastic.
19:02Does it cure syphilis, asking for a friend?
19:05LAUGHTER
19:07APPLAUSE
19:09APPLAUSE
19:11Is that just so you can find true north?
19:16LAUGHTER
19:18Currently, what do I know?
19:20The motion of copulation induces a small current in the bloodstream
19:23and that increases pressure?
19:25Would you have to plug it in?
19:27LAUGHTER
19:33Darling, you don't want to be plugged into the mains.
19:35Well, that's how.
19:36Well, that's what I'm thinking.
19:37You're about to getting out an extension lead.
19:39Oh.
19:40What I love is that the elves know,
19:41they're sending me a message saying it's wireless.
19:43Thanks, guys.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:47APPLAUSE
19:51Anyway, he calls himself Dr Nakamats
19:53and he claims to have invented the floppy disk.
19:56Anybody who had early computers will remember the floppy disk.
19:58IBMs don't agree, they don't say it was him.
20:01But he claims he is the true inventor to the extent
20:04that the gate to his house in Tokyo is in the shape of a floppy disk.
20:09And he says his invention was the start of the information revolution
20:12and Silicon Valley, so...
20:14Since he was 42, he has taken a photograph of every single meal
20:19that he has eaten.
20:20I'm glad he said meal. I don't know what he was going to say.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:26I mean, have you been on Instagram? That's what everyone's doing.
20:29Basically, yeah.
20:30Did he invent that as well?
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33He's been doing that since he was 42, he was in his mid-90s.
20:36Oh, wow.
20:37But he analyses his food and lifestyle and says he will reach the age of 144.
20:41Oh.
20:42There is an extraordinary culture in Japan, though,
20:44of sort of curious ideas.
20:45They have a word for it called chingdogu,
20:47and it means weird tool.
20:49The selfie stick is one that came out of Japan in 1995,
20:53but 20 years later was, you know, they're ubiquitous.
20:55There is a hay fever hat.
20:57Oh, OK.
21:01So you've each got a prop next to you.
21:03See if you can guess what they are for.
21:05These are weird tool inventions.
21:07That hay fever hat is by Kenji Kawakami.
21:10I mean, mine are.
21:12Right.
21:13So, Phil...
21:18That is a daddy-nurser.
21:19It's called the daddy-nurser, it's great,
21:20but actually there's all kinds of people who might want to breastfeed
21:22their children who can't for whatever reason.
21:24People who adopt or people whose milk just doesn't come in
21:27or they don't have a big enough supply.
21:29So I know it's really silly, but it's also quite a beautiful invention.
21:32Right, what have you got, Alan?
21:33I mean, they're plastic glasses and they've got little funnels on them.
21:36Mm-hm.
21:37So you could pour...
21:39Um...
21:41Eye-drops?
21:42That's exactly right, darling.
21:43They are eye-drop funnel glasses so that you don't spill.
21:47That's amazing!
21:48That is a good invention!
21:50That is a good invention!
21:51You know, together, Alan, we could get some pretty precise milk in those eyes.
21:55Yes!
21:56LAUGHTER
21:58You've got very clean eyeballs.
22:01What have you got, Sarah?
22:03Well, I've got a toilet plunger, but it's got a ribbon on so you know it's a girl.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:08What do you think you might do with it, though?
22:10It's not a toilet plunger, I can tell you that.
22:12Is this to get my milk to come in?
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14It is a portable subway strap, so what you do is you're on the subway...
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20You stick it to the roof.
22:21No!
22:22Stick it to the roof.
22:23I worry it's not going to be...
22:24Oh, hello!
22:25No!
22:26So if you put it above your head...
22:27Yeah, but there's nothing there, so...
22:28It would be like that.
22:29I see what you mean.
22:30So just...
22:31Yeah.
22:32Pull the phone?
22:33When you have to get off, that must be difficult.
22:34To be like...
22:35Yes.
22:36Right, what have you got, darling?
22:37There should be some toasters, isn't there?
22:38Oh, yes, there is.
22:39Oh, I didn't know if that was Sarah's.
22:40I thought you'd ordered a snack!
22:41Open the stick.
22:42Oh!
22:43Oh!
22:44Yes, and have a look.
22:45Oh, I bet I know what this is going to be.
22:46Is it butter?
22:47It's buttery.
22:48It's buttery.
22:49It's buttery.
22:50It's buttery.
22:51It's buttery.
22:52It's buttery.
22:53It's buttery.
22:54Oh, look, it works.
22:55Oh, that's good.
22:56Oh, look, it's lovely.
22:57And would you take this with you to events?
22:58It's all QVC, you know.
22:59It's so...
23:00It's lovely.
23:01It's so elegant.
23:02I think if I saw somebody with that, I would think, gosh, I wish I was them.
23:07Then you can do a little bit on your wrists and wrists.
23:10Oh, yeah.
23:11Oh, yeah.
23:12That's true.
23:13That's true.
23:14Maybe put it on your spatula.
23:15Lipstick.
23:16Yeah.
23:17Or if you are swimming the channel, you could put it on your chest.
23:20Yeah.
23:21It's a really good idea.
23:22I think we're all trying to use less single-use plastic though, aren't we?
23:25You could make it of wood or another fabric which was a material which was more...
23:42Denim.
23:43Denim.
23:44There's a lot of denim.
23:45There's a lot of jeans getting ripped and what are you going to do with them?
23:48Yeah, I'm convinced.
23:49Yeah, I think there's a market in that.
23:50I can't understand why the two of you have not made a fortune so far.
23:53There's a lot of things though you do think, did they need to be invented at all?
23:57Mm.
23:58Like self-lathering soap.
24:00Yeah.
24:01You know when you get hand soap and it's like a foam?
24:03Oh.
24:04I thought, who went, oh, do you know what I find too exhausting?
24:07Lathering.
24:08My day would be so much easier if I didn't have to spend all my...
24:12Lather.
24:13Lather a bar of soap for sometimes seconds at a time.
24:18Now I've got this self-lathering soap I can finally get on with those things I really need to do.
24:23I've got other things as well, what's that?
24:25Those are just tissues in case you get butter on you.
24:28Now...
24:29Now, what's the loudest thing you can't hear?
24:35Oh, is it all the dialogue in the Christopher Nolan movie?
24:39Because...
24:40I mean, I've watched those things in IMAX with speakers as big as buildings and it's just loud mumbling.
24:52I can't pick out a single word.
24:54It's really interesting because it is a common thing now in a lot of films.
24:57Do you know why that is?
24:59Do the actors not know their lines?
25:00Well, it's a different way of recording is one of the issues.
25:02So in the old films people had to speak up in order to make sure their voice went to the central microphone.
25:07Now everybody's wearing a personal microphone and so mumbling has come in.
25:11So what we need to do is go back to the old system where people just have one mic.
25:16But it is a common problem.
25:17I think it's about 40% of people in Britain watch television with the subtitles on.
25:22Yes.
25:23Do you think people are going to go back to brief encounter days? I hope so.
25:25Oh, I love that film.
25:26It's my favourite.
25:27Why?
25:28What happened there?
25:29You were just screaming.
25:30It's beautiful.
25:31David Lean film written by Noel Coward and about a woman who sort of almost has an affair
25:38with someone she meets at a train station.
25:40It's sweet.
25:41It's very much up my alley.
25:42Yeah.
25:43There's no mumbling.
25:44No mumbling.
25:45No mumbling at all.
25:46There's a child in it having an argument with her brother and even the child speaks very clipped.
25:51They always use adults afterwards, don't they?
25:53Oh, that makes sense.
25:54That's why they all have some creepy little voices.
25:56Oh, because the little girl, they're having an argument about it's not her birthday but she wants to go to the theatre
26:02and the senior Johnson walks in and goes, what on earth are you arguing about?
26:05And this little girl gets up out of bed and goes, my birthday's in June.
26:08Yes, it's really favourite.
26:09There are silly kinds of nights in June.
26:12And, of course, it's in a very clipped 1930s, 1940s way.
26:16My birthday's in June.
26:18And it phantomime's in June.
26:21Terrifying.
26:22It's a very famous bit for being an adult coming out of a little child.
26:26Oh, I didn't realise that.
26:27That exact line, yes.
26:28So, what is the loudest thing that she's...
26:30Sorry.
26:31It's very nice and luminous about some of my favourite movies.
26:34Is it going to be some naturally occurring phenomenon?
26:37Is this to do with a tree falling in the woods?
26:40Is that a bear?
26:42No.
26:44No, no, it's the Pope.
26:46It's the Pope.
26:47My birthday's in June.
26:49Oh!
26:53So, let's just define loudness, OK?
26:55So, loudness is another word for amplitude.
26:58Sound waves, right?
26:59They travel like this.
27:00And the loudest bit is going to be this.
27:03And it gets quieter and quieter and quieter like this.
27:06And the distance between them is the frequency or the pitch, OK?
27:09Will we get a GCSE after this?
27:11You will.
27:12The reason I tell you all this is that some noises are too high
27:16or too low for humans to be able to hear them, however loud they are.
27:22Yeah.
27:23So, the loudest sound ever recorded, hardly anybody heard it.
27:27The dogs hear it.
27:28Elephants can hear things, infrasonic sound, that we can't hear.
27:31So, the loudest sound ever recorded was 1883.
27:34A volcano erupted in Krakatoa in Indonesia.
27:37And 100 miles away, the noise was 172 decibels.
27:42So, sound becomes painful at 130 decibels.
27:45If you were standing right next to a jumbo jet engine,
27:49that would be 150 decibels.
27:51So, 170 decibels, it's 100 times louder than that, OK?
27:55I've sat on a plane near a jumbo jet engine, I didn't mind it.
27:57No, if you were right by it, Stanley, on the ground.
28:00I'm quite close to it, I mean, it's just the wing, it's there.
28:02I'm looking forward, my ears facing out the window.
28:04Yes, there's a whole window and a fuselage between you.
28:07I'm talking about standing right by it.
28:10Oh.
28:11So, 170 decibels.
28:12It's quite close, they're in fact there.
28:13A hundred...
28:18Brief encounter in your headphones.
28:20Yeah.
28:21An 1883 with a wig on, standing right next to Krakatoa going,
28:24not that loud.
28:27On a ship that was 40 miles away,
28:30half of the crew's eardrums burst.
28:32Oh.
28:33Half the eardrum, or was it half...?
28:35No.
28:38How did they measure it, then?
28:40All of them lost their left ear off.
28:43There are things called barographs,
28:45and what they do is they measure fluctuations in atmospheric pressure,
28:48and this was measured all around the world.
28:51It was the loudest noise ever measured,
28:53and yet it was inaudible to most people.
28:56It was just a form of pressure on the eardrums.
28:58And did they not hear it just because there is head exploded?
29:03The sound was so powerful, it travelled around the world
29:06seven times over the course of five days.
29:08I mean, it is unbelievable.
29:09But was it inaudible because it was too high?
29:11Or too low?
29:12It was too low.
29:13It was too low.
29:14I'd love the idea of it being too high,
29:15like a volcano would go...
29:16Beep!
29:17Beep!
29:18Like a microwave.
29:19Like a microwave.
29:20Yeah.
29:21Ready!
29:22Beep!
29:23Beep!
29:24Ooh.
29:25But I want to try something with sound waves.
29:27Ooh.
29:28Now, Phil, you...
29:32Just do your little crack...
29:33A little crack of tummy there for you.
29:34Thank you, darling.
29:35I really appreciate it.
29:36Just for colour, just for background.
29:37Yeah.
29:38The fact that elephants can hear through their feet.
29:40I love your animal impersonation.
29:41Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:42Yeah.
29:43What's that?
29:48Can you hear that?
29:49I can hear that.
29:50I can't.
29:51I've got my shoes on.
29:57But they can hear at much lower frequencies than human beings can.
29:59They would have been able to actually hear the explosion much further away
30:02than human beings.
30:03But I want to try a little experiment.
30:04Phil, you like a bit of science, don't you?
30:06Oh, yeah, I love it.
30:07OK, so...
30:08Dweeb!
30:09Come on.
30:12We're going to look at a cladney plate.
30:14The cladney plate was named for its...
30:16He doesn't look well at all, does he?
30:19His arm's completely detached from his body.
30:21Oh, my...
30:24I was dead, but they microwaved me.
30:26Anyway, that's Ernst Gladney.
30:27And he invented this thing where you attach a plate to a machine and it makes it vibrate.
30:40And the number of times it vibrates per second, that is its frequency.
30:44The amazing thing is to see, if you put salt on this plate, the patterns that it can make at different frequencies.
30:51So, if we have a quick look at one that is actually working...
30:54Ooh!
30:55Can you see how it...
30:56Depending on what the frequency is, you can...
30:57Ooh!
30:58Ooh!
30:59I love crafts.
31:00Ooh!
31:01That's the population of North Korea from outer space.
31:05I love it.
31:07On a parade day.
31:08We've got a homemade version, so I'm going to get Phil to help me.
31:12Oh!
31:13Nice.
31:14You can make your own cladney plate.
31:16I play with your tits while you're doing that.
31:19LAUGHTER
31:23You know, what's really sad is I nearly stayed behind.
31:27APPLAUSE
31:31OK.
31:32So, here's what we're going to do, is we're going to put some salt on here
31:37and sprinkle it everywhere.
31:39OK.
31:40So, we're going to make it vibrate.
31:41We're going to keep an eye on what happens to the salt.
31:43So, if you take the flat of the bow, there, and then just run it down and then...
31:49Ooh!
31:50Oh!
31:51That's beautiful.
31:52Volcano!
31:56Now, why do you think that this plate that we've made is shaped like a violin?
31:59What do you think might be the reason for it?
32:01Ah, presumably they use these principles in the design of violin.
32:04Yeah.
32:05The perfect sound, right?
32:06So, during the construction of the plates, they use metal filings and they vibrate the
32:10wood to create the patterns.
32:12You want the patterns to be symmetrical.
32:13So, it has a practical purpose.
32:15Ah, yeah, right.
32:16Well done, Phil.
32:17Fantastic.
32:18So, when you're making...
32:19It was Vivaldi's Four Seasons I was playing.
32:20It was lovely.
32:21Now, which of these is the wobbliest wall?
32:34Oh, is it the straight one?
32:37It's correct, darling.
32:38Yes, why?
32:39Because it's always the unexpected one, isn't it?
32:42LAUGHTER
32:43A straight wall, you're absolutely right, it's got multiple layers and cross beams in order
32:48to keep it safe, usually.
32:49Oh.
32:50If it's just straight, at some point, it's probably going to topple over.
32:53If you build a bendy wall, what is the bit in it that's keeping it strong?
32:58Oh, the centripetal force.
33:00LAUGHTER
33:02I think that's only a thing if you're actually a centipede.
33:07LAUGHTER
33:09I just remember learning centripetal forces at school and I thought,
33:12gosh, I'll use that one day.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:15Hello, the daycare.
33:17Well, is it the shape itself, the shape of the wall itself keeps it up?
33:21There's an enormous strength in the arch, so all arches give you extra strength.
33:26And I love these walls, they're called crinkle-crankle walls.
33:29So they are much harder to build, but because of that, they became a fantastic status symbol
33:33for large English country homes.
33:35There's one in Eastern Village in Hampshire, there's one in Limington in Hampshire.
33:38The one in Eastern Village was once two and a half miles long.
33:42It was the longest in the UK.
33:44But most of it demolished in 1924, which is really sad.
33:47But which English county do you think has the most walls per square mile?
33:52Buckinghamshire.
33:53Why?
33:54Because they're all posh, aren't they?
33:56LAUGHTER
33:59I think so, compared to Essex, maybe that's just the nearest posh place.
34:03In my head, everyone in Buckinghamshire's got a horse,
34:07and they probably just put some walls around it to keep it safe.
34:11LAUGHTER
34:12Every kid's got a wall to carry around.
34:14Yeah.
34:15Yeah.
34:16Dumpty Dumpty loves it.
34:17Yeah.
34:18It's one county by a long way.
34:20One county has many more walls.
34:22I'm going to go Lancashire.
34:23It's Cornwall.
34:24Oh, it's the clue wasn't a name!
34:26LAUGHTER
34:27What's really curious about Cornwall, I mean, it's almost double that of the runner-up, which is Derbyshire.
34:35A lot of Cornish walls are completely hidden, because Cornwall does not have any hedgerows around its fields.
34:41It has Cornish edges, which are two stone walls, which are built back to back, and then the earth is stuffed between them.
34:47Related to the subject of walls, what is sheep creep?
34:51Is...
34:52No, I'm not going to make some simplistic joke about people being creepy towards sheep.
34:57Or sheep being creepy towards people.
34:59Yeah.
35:00Looking through your window.
35:01Yeah.
35:02When you're getting into your pyjamas.
35:04LAUGHTER
35:05I'm just a sheep.
35:06Don't mind me.
35:07Do you think if there's any wall they recognise?
35:10Yeah.
35:11It's mine, yeah.
35:12Nice.
35:13Don't wash that in hot water.
35:14LAUGHTER
35:15Do you worry about the sheep looking through the window while you're out?
35:17No, I don't.
35:18I'd love it.
35:19I'd leave the curtains open and be like, lads!
35:21LAUGHTER
35:22So sometimes, if you look at the bottom of dry stone walls, you'll see a hole.
35:26And it's to allow the sheep to get through.
35:29And they're known as sheep creeps.
35:31And they're also called creep holes, lunky, hog hole, smoot, or smote.
35:34And it's designed to be big enough so it can move between the fields,
35:37but it blocks cattle.
35:38So cattle can't get through.
35:40So the cows are going, where's the sheep gone?
35:41Get their leg on.
35:42How did they get in the other field?
35:43Yeah, it's like Shawshank Redemption.
35:45LAUGHTER
35:46How did he get out?
35:48Right.
35:49It's time to wrangle with the tangle that is general ignorance.
35:51Fingers on buzzers, please.
35:53What happened when War of the Worlds was first broadcast on the radio?
35:57Yes.
35:58Everybody panicked.
35:59They thought it was real.
36:00They set you up, man.
36:04They set you up.
36:05Is it the case that it was a news bulletin about it that caused the panic
36:10and not the actual broadcast?
36:12I mean, the whole thing is a sort of myth that's built up around it.
36:15Ah.
36:16So Orson Welles, who you can see directing.
36:17This is a rehearsal and you can see him directing.
36:18Because it was about an alien invasion and people thought it was real.
36:21Well, they did and they didn't.
36:23It was 1938.
36:24It was trailed for weeks as fiction and Welles told people before the broadcast
36:29and after the broadcast that it was fiction.
36:31It was interrupted four times to tell the listeners, it's just a play.
36:35And anyway, only 2% of the population listened to it.
36:38Aliens would say that though, wouldn't they?
36:40Yeah, that is true.
36:41They were invading.
36:42They would say, it's just a play.
36:43Imagine if that happened with other TV programmes.
36:46Imagine if, like, every five minutes in Gavin and Stacey,
36:48they had to tell him and go, I'm not really called this.
36:51My name's James Corden.
36:53In a very few isolated instances,
36:55Welles agreed to compensate one man from Massachusetts for a pair of shoes
37:00since he had spent the money he had saved for a pair of shoes
37:03to get a train ticket to escape the Martians.
37:06And he said, I'll buy you some shoes because you're an idiot.
37:09LAUGHTER
37:11The only place that people did kind of freak out
37:13was a place called Concrete Washington
37:15and it coincided with the power cut.
37:17How did they hear the radio then?
37:18Yeah!
37:19Sounds like they were trying to con some shoes there.
37:22It's not shoes!
37:24Ten years later, there was an actual riot
37:26after a radio adaptation of the same play in Quito, Ecuador.
37:30But, you know, this was much more understandable.
37:33There'd been no warnings.
37:34There was a sister newspaper that had deliberately posted fake UFO sightings.
37:39The play used impressionists to pretend to be actual politicians and so on.
37:43And that riot did result in seven deaths.
37:45But the original, 1938, everybody was pretty much five.
37:50Yeah, that's right.
37:51Now, where would you find the longest heat wave in living memory?
37:56Sahara Desert, that's hot, isn't it?
37:58Yeah, it is hot.
37:59They don't have...
38:02Spain, have you seen A Place in the Sun?
38:04LAUGHTER
38:05Do you remember our Japanese inventor, Dokunakamatsu?
38:09Oh, yeah.
38:10Japan.
38:11The underwater doctor.
38:12Underwater.
38:13Underwater is the longest heat wave on Earth.
38:16It was in the North Pacific, so off the western coast of the United States.
38:20It lasted 711 days from 2014 to 2016.
38:24So, we get a large mass of unusually warm water.
38:27It's basically a heat wave for the sea.
38:29Oh, I just thought it was someone weed in the water.
38:31LAUGHTER
38:32But it's very bad when it happens.
38:34So, algae thrives, which is very bad news for lots of species like salmon,
38:38and they swim away to somewhere.
38:39So, we need to put their arm in and just swoosh it about.
38:41Yeah, just keep getting it moving.
38:42And get it up the other end of the bath.
38:44LAUGHTER
38:45But if the fish go because it's too hot or it's too unpleasant,
38:48then the seabirds die, and during that heat wave,
38:51it was the cause of the biggest known mass die-off
38:54of a single species, 4 million Guillemots died.
38:57So, I mean, we need to pay attention.
38:59The way in which marine heat waves are defined as quite different
39:01to land heat waves.
39:02Land heat waves, it's a period of at least five days
39:05when temperatures are at least five degrees above average.
39:08So, 2013, Antarctica had a heat wave reached heights
39:11of minus 30 degrees Celsius.
39:14LAUGHTER
39:15The longest heat wave that we know was in India,
39:17and that lasted, in 2024, lasted for 24 days.
39:20And here's the thing, is that when it's hot, we don't think so well.
39:24You'll like this.
39:25Scientists discovered this by directing heat lamps at people
39:28and making them do maths.
39:30LAUGHTER
39:31I could have saved them some time if they just walked along a beach
39:33and saw what everyone was reading.
39:35Yeah.
39:36Because quite clever people, the minute you get to the airport,
39:38you're like, I'm not going to actually...
39:40No, yes, I like something with a raised cover,
39:42and you know it's a romance.
39:43Oh, yeah.
39:44Yeah.
39:45Yes, with that gold lettering.
39:46Yes, embossed, yes.
39:47I think that's very good.
39:48That's because we're so dumb, lying on the beach,
39:50like, oh, I'm just stroking my book.
39:52I'm sure it's going in.
39:54There was a British heat wave, 1976, which was remarkable.
39:58I remember it well.
39:59Oh, my goodness.
40:00And so there was a minister called Dennis Howell,
40:02and he was made the minister of drugs.
40:04Oh!
40:05Dennis Howell, yeah.
40:06Look at the colour of his bathwater!
40:08He was charged by the then Prime Minister James Callaghan
40:13to persuade everybody to use less water
40:15and even persuaded to do a rain dance
40:17on behalf of the nation outside number 10.
40:19That's when politicians really gave it their all.
40:22Anyway, days later,
40:24there was an enormous amount of rain after his dance
40:27and he was made minister of floods.
40:29Are they not taking it seriously in the old days?
40:32I don't know, cos two years later,
40:34he was the minister of state for snow,
40:36so he did all the weather.
40:38Yeah.
40:39That guy.
40:40And this was a professional picture?
40:41This wasn't, like...
40:42This wasn't, like, leaked.
40:44I don't know if it's his Tinder profile.
40:46You can see the shadow of the photographer.
40:48It's a sheepy creep.
40:51The pattern of his hair is cos of the vibration going through.
40:55Ooh!
40:56Not the silent part.
40:57Ooh!
40:58Ooh!
40:59OK, moving along.
41:01What's the largest animal in the world that's not a whale?
41:06Ooh!
41:09Christopher Biggins.
41:10I love Christopher Biggins.
41:15Biggest non-whale on the planet.
41:17Is it still in the water, though?
41:18Yes.
41:19Ooh!
41:20I'd say an octopus, cos they've got these really long tentacles, haven't they?
41:24OK, I can tell you it's about one and a half times the length of a London bus.
41:28It's always buses, isn't it?
41:30It's always buses.
41:31It's always jellyfish.
41:32It's always jellyfish.
41:33The biggest non-whale on the planet is a whale shark.
41:36We're always talking about buses, right?
41:38Yeah.
41:39And I don't want to do that.
41:40So what we're going to do is we are going to use people.
41:43So what I do when I come out, beginning of the show,
41:45I learn the names of everybody in the audience.
41:49Which is nice cos then I can speak to them.
41:51So, Joe, where's my friend Joe?
41:53Right, so Joe is going to hold up a sign at this end.
41:56I want to show you how big a whale shark is.
42:00And then where is my friend Neil?
42:02Thank you, Neil, darling.
42:03So Neil's going to stand up.
42:05So from Neil to Joe, that is the size of a whale shark.
42:11However, this is not even cracking into the top ten of animals.
42:15Obviously, we have to go to the large blue whale for something really big.
42:19And I don't think we've ever been able to do this before.
42:22But my darling, could you go all the way to that wall with your sign?
42:26Thank you so much, Neil.
42:28And if he walks all the way to that wall there, that is the size of a blue whale.
42:34Do you not think that is remarkable?
42:36And we wanted to show you rather than tell you it's just so many buses.
42:40So well done, boys.
42:41Thank you so much.
42:42APPLAUSE
42:43All of which, wibbling and wobbling, brings us to the straight matter of the scores.
42:52Oh, is it the end?
42:53Yeah.
42:54Yeah.
42:55You won't want to know the end because in last place...
42:58LAUGHTER
43:00All washed up with minus 27, it's Tom.
43:04APPLAUSE
43:06I feel like a girl.
43:08In third place, on the brink of a wipeout with minus 19, it's Sarah.
43:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:14In second place, wavering on the edge with minus 8, it's Phil.
43:18APPLAUSE
43:20Our winner tonight, riding the wave, with a whole minus 4, it's Alan!
43:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:31So I wave goodbye to Sarah, Tom, Phil and Alan, and I leave you with this wisecrack
43:43from the late former US President Jimmy Carter.
43:46My esteem in the country has gone up substantially, so that now, when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
43:53LAUGHTER
43:54Thank you, and goodnight.
43:55APPLAUSE
43:57Thank you for listening to me.
44:06To be, of course.
44:08Have a great day, guys.
44:09See you next time for your message.
44:11I'm Grade 5, from High School in ch смотрs to Larry Smog's audience, Lu hebret, Douglas Broughboye, Ken
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