- 4 months ago
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00:00:00Oh, thank you five
00:00:30Oh!
00:00:35Oh!
00:00:36Oh!
00:00:37Oh!
00:00:38Oh!
00:00:39Oh!
00:00:52Good morning, everybody!
00:00:54Thank you!
00:01:04Thank you!
00:01:05Thank you!
00:01:06Thank you!
00:01:07Thank you!
00:01:08We did it!
00:01:10We did it!
00:01:12Oh!
00:01:13We did it!
00:01:15Thank you!
00:01:16Thank you!
00:01:17Thank you!
00:01:18Oh, my goodness!
00:01:19Here we are!
00:01:21The energy in here is electric.
00:01:26I think the audience at home should know we are taping on a Tuesday, and that is when
00:01:33I like to slide into your DMs as a performer.
00:01:37No, I'm not worried.
00:01:38I feel like by the end of the show, we're going to be brewing up some real NPR telethon
00:01:42after-party vibes, you know?
00:01:44Toe bags are going to be loose.
00:01:48Mugs are going to be sloshing.
00:01:51No, I kind of hesitate to start my set out with a more vulnerable question, but I do
00:01:57feel like Brene Brown would insist I step into my power, so I'm just going to go ahead
00:02:03and throw it out there.
00:02:05Is anyone else forgetting to slay lately?
00:02:11Okay, great.
00:02:12It feels like we're on the same page.
00:02:14It's not that I haven't been trying.
00:02:16It's just things in my life sort of keep going awry.
00:02:19For example, my identity was stolen this past year.
00:02:23I know.
00:02:25And honestly, the annoying thing there is I've been trying to figure out who I am for years.
00:02:31You know, it just turns out someone beat me to it and ran with it.
00:02:37Who am I?
00:02:39It turns out I'm someone who just loves to call my bank and try to change my pin.
00:02:44So, I just wish I had known sooner.
00:02:47I wasted a lot of good years with the same pin.
00:02:51I cannot get that time back.
00:02:54I should probably also have a better security question.
00:02:57Mine is just, why is this happening to me?
00:03:00So, it's not a very secure question.
00:03:05Pretty insecure.
00:03:07I also found out my feet have a very low rating on WikiFeet.
00:03:14Thank you so much.
00:03:16Please don't look.
00:03:17They're going through a tough time.
00:03:19I know some of you are like, why would you seek that information out?
00:03:23I didn't.
00:03:25A good friend told me like any good friend should.
00:03:29That's kind of how friendship works, right?
00:03:31They tell you a bunch of nice stuff and then every so often a little dagger to keep you weak.
00:03:38In case you're not familiar, WikiFeet, it's a user-generated database of notable people's feet.
00:03:43You know?
00:03:44The internet will provide for all.
00:03:48But if you've never had the absolute privilege of visiting the site,
00:03:52the way it works, there's just a photo of your clompers.
00:03:56And then you get a rating out of five stars.
00:04:01And then just for the ladies, we love the ladies.
00:04:05They explain the rating in parentheses, you know, in case you're not fluent in stars.
00:04:11No food enthusiasts left behind.
00:04:13So for mine, it's just two out of five stars.
00:04:18And then in parentheses, it just says, bad feet!
00:04:28In case they were worried, I'd see the two and I'd be like, well, hot dog, that's double one.
00:04:32Things are looking up.
00:04:33Things are looking up for old porn.
00:04:36I'm trying to positive reframe it, you know?
00:04:40I'm trying to be like, well, you know, you're making strides in bunion representation on screen.
00:04:45Some little girl out there with showbiz dreams and knobby hooves is going to be like,
00:04:51there's a place for my clodhoppers in Tinseltown too.
00:04:57And that little girl was me.
00:05:02No, it's also the only time I've ever been made to feel weird about my body in any way, you know?
00:05:09So it's about time. It's about time.
00:05:12Pretty much psyched about every other part. No notes, no notes.
00:05:18No, I think I've come to the conclusion at this point that it is truly a burden to have a physical form.
00:05:24I think if I could change one thing about myself, I would no longer be corporeal.
00:05:30In the body positivity spectrum, positive don't want the body.
00:05:35There's just a lot of maintenance and upkeep.
00:05:41Like, I ordered a bunch of bras and socks in the mail.
00:05:44Two items every successful girl boss owns, you know?
00:05:48You gotta keep them fresh and you gotta keep them coming.
00:05:51And you know why I need the socks. I already explained.
00:05:55Pretty much just a steady shipment, wear them once, throw them away, they know too much.
00:06:03But yeah, I ordered these bras and socks in the mail.
00:06:07FedEx said the package was delayed.
00:06:09They didn't really explain themselves further.
00:06:11We love that about FedEx. They want to build up a sense of suspense.
00:06:15But, you know, I'd ordered seven items.
00:06:18The package finally shows up, maybe a little extra tape around it.
00:06:22Open it up. Four items, presentable, acceptable, as advertised.
00:06:27Then there's a separate envelope in there.
00:06:29Open that up. Inside, three bras soaking wet.
00:06:34With what we as a nation can only pray was water.
00:06:42And listen, you're shocked, stunned, disgusted.
00:06:48Maybe someone's quietly weeping. Me too, okay?
00:06:50I was all so upset. Like, I didn't know what to do.
00:06:53I did what I usually do in the face of duress. Nothing. You know?
00:06:57Like, I didn't know whether I was supposed to call up FedEx and be like,
00:07:01Uh, yeah, the shipment has been compromised. The deal is off.
00:07:03You know? Like, I didn't know what the protocol was.
00:07:07I feel like the best I can do at this point is go to some sort of a self-help seminar.
00:07:12Like a Tony Robbins or like The Secret where it's like,
00:07:15You're the energy you put out into the universe.
00:07:17And I got to raise my hand in front of a hotel ballroom full of other seekers
00:07:22and just be like, Uh, yeah, what does it mean if you got three wet bras in the mail?
00:07:29What kind of energy am I putting out? And, uh, how do I change it?
00:07:35How do I change it to the kind where I get, um, dry bras?
00:07:41Just the dry bras to start would be wonderful.
00:07:44I really think that would put me on the right path.
00:07:49Yeah. I actually, uh, I took a very long break from stand-up.
00:07:54A couple years. And, you know, people ask me,
00:07:56Why'd you do it? Why'd you disappear? Why'd you go underground for a while?
00:07:59And I don't know. I guess the next thing I wanted to do in my career was make a comeback.
00:08:06And I feel like to make a comeback, you gotta go away.
00:08:08So, I went away. I really thought about my actions.
00:08:12You know, my main actions being leaving.
00:08:14And, um, here I am back again. A better husband.
00:08:18A better husband. And a better father.
00:08:20So...
00:08:21Thank you. Yeah. I really...
00:08:24Thank you. No, thank...
00:08:26Thank you. I mean, you're the ones teaching me every day.
00:08:30Um...
00:08:31So grateful.
00:08:33No, I did notice, though, in my time away, I just started to appear to be aligned, you know?
00:08:38A character can just be like...
00:08:43People rolling in their seats.
00:08:46And I get it. I get it as a theater audience.
00:08:48You gotta jump on anything approaching humor. Right?
00:08:52Like a dog to scraps.
00:08:54Cause otherwise, what? You're sitting in the dark for three hours,
00:08:57trying to forget that movies and TV exist.
00:09:05It's a tall order. It's a tall order.
00:09:09The only thing close to theater funny might be airplane funny.
00:09:12You know, like pilot funny.
00:09:14Where you're sitting on the tarmac, you're waiting to take off.
00:09:17And they just come over to the intercom and they're just like...
00:09:20So...
00:09:21Sit right back.
00:09:22Relax.
00:09:23And enjoy your flight to Peoria.
00:09:28And if you're actually going to Paris...
00:09:31Sorry you had to find out like this.
00:09:39You know, standing ovation.
00:09:42With seat belts on somehow.
00:09:47Someone's laughing so hard they have to put their oxygen mask on.
00:09:51Everyone's just so impressed.
00:09:52They're like, he's funny and he fly.
00:09:54Now I believe.
00:09:57Just full congregation energy.
00:10:01You have to laugh though, right?
00:10:03You have to laugh or you could die.
00:10:07The stakes are very high.
00:10:09You got to pump him up before he goes zoom zoom.
00:10:14You don't want him up in the air being like...
00:10:17They weren't really a great crowd.
00:10:26Time for bump bump.
00:10:31Yeah, the theater and the plane.
00:10:32I sort of forgive for the context.
00:10:34The one where I got to draw the line and say no, no, no.
00:10:37Is office boss humor like office boss joke.
00:10:40What is an office boss joke?
00:10:41It'll just be something like...
00:10:46You better get out of here if you want to beat the Friday rush.
00:10:56You're going to be stuck here all weekend.
00:10:58It's not a joke.
00:10:59They said it like a joke.
00:11:00But they forgot to invite any ha-ha-hee-hee.
00:11:01To the sentence funeral they threw with their mouth.
00:11:03I think they're fully aware of what they're doing.
00:11:04You know, I think it's just a power move.
00:11:05Like I think it's just them being like...
00:11:07Oh, I know I'm not funny.
00:11:08And what I said was...
00:11:09Best case scenario...
00:11:10Grim.
00:11:11But, uh...
00:11:12I do pay you.
00:11:13I do pay you.
00:11:14And...
00:11:15I think it's just a power move.
00:11:16I think it's just a power move.
00:11:17Like I think it's just them being like...
00:11:18Like, I think it's just a power move.
00:11:19Like, I think it's just them being like...
00:11:20Oh, I know I'm not funny.
00:11:24And, uh, what I said was...
00:11:26Best case scenario...
00:11:27Grim.
00:11:28But, uh...
00:11:29I do pay you.
00:11:30So show me your teeth.
00:11:31Yeah, that one definitely gets kind of chilling at the end.
00:11:33A vibe shift.
00:11:34I felt it as well.
00:11:35No, but I'm glad I'm doing...
00:11:36Steve.
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00:12:27Steve.
00:12:28But, yeah, I've been back out doing shows on the road.
00:12:33I've been in a lot of airports.
00:12:34Some of you might know if you follow my adventures on Pinterest.
00:12:39That feels like the medium of today, right?
00:12:41I feel like TikTok was under threat, and we all just pivoted to the boards.
00:12:45So, no, I've been, you know, in a lot of security lines,
00:12:49and I did want to ask, does anyone in the audience have TSA pre-check?
00:12:54Okay, and honestly, I love the pride,
00:12:57because you believe in self-care.
00:13:00And then you could be a talking head on Hulu someday.
00:13:05It's always a little sinister the way the clear recruiters operate.
00:13:09They're always off to the side of the line.
00:13:11They're standing next to these spaceship-looking pods,
00:13:14and they're all wearing these vests and gingham shirts,
00:13:16and you're like, why did you decide on gingham?
00:13:18That's not a pattern that inspires trust in people.
00:13:22And then you see them picking off sort of more vulnerable-looking types.
00:13:27And I don't know what the pitch is.
00:13:29I guess it's like, have you heard of the Gospel of Claire?
00:13:32You know?
00:13:33And then I don't know what happens to the passenger.
00:13:36They're brought back.
00:13:37They're whipped to the front of the line.
00:13:38They're basically the governor of the airport now.
00:13:40They can bring whatever they want.
00:13:42They can bring a horse.
00:13:43They can bring a gun.
00:13:44But at what cost?
00:13:46You know, at what cost?
00:13:47Because I walked by one of these recruiters the other day.
00:13:50I heard them ask the worst question I've ever heard a being ask another being.
00:13:56They just go, fingers or eyes?
00:14:03Parties.
00:14:04Fingers or eyes?
00:14:07You've got to pick one, Trevor.
00:14:10You've got to answer.
00:14:11No IPA for you.
00:14:14Yeah, that sounds like an exaggeration.
00:14:20I would say my social skills are truly in decline.
00:14:23I think after lockdown, they decided they didn't want to collab on any more projects together.
00:14:30One of the first social events I did coming out of the pandemic,
00:14:33I went to my fiancé's co-worker's birthday picnic.
00:14:37And I do not know him well at all.
00:14:40My fiancé, I mean.
00:14:42We've been together for almost seven years.
00:14:46But, you know, do you ever really know someone?
00:14:49I just feel like we've all seen Dateline.
00:14:53You've got to be ready for the twist at this point.
00:14:56It's like, if you don't know about a second family, that's kind of on you.
00:14:59But, yeah, I went to this picnic.
00:15:02I didn't know anyone well.
00:15:04I sort of attached myself to this woman in the corner who just seemed like she had kind eyes.
00:15:11Kind fingers as well, as far as I could tell.
00:15:14And I struggled to connect with her for so long.
00:15:21I took it.
00:15:21I'm not a fool.
00:15:22I'll take an out when I get one.
00:15:25But it's so weird.
00:15:26As soon as I took it, she just stood up and she went,
00:15:28The curse has been broken.
00:15:29And then she flew away like a bird.
00:15:34So she made it weird, too.
00:15:37She made it weird, too.
00:15:41Yeah, there, I don't know, even little social things throw me off.
00:15:45Like small talk, ugh, small talk ruins me.
00:15:48Like, what's a small talk question?
00:15:50What have you been up to?
00:15:52How do you guys do with what have you been up to?
00:15:54I bet you're knocking it out of the park.
00:15:56Whenever someone asks me, what have you been up to?
00:16:01I can't think of a single thing I've done in the past 35 years.
00:16:10It's just immediate blank.
00:16:12I'm just like, well, I was born.
00:16:20And then I sort of just kept going.
00:16:22And then one time there was a haircut.
00:16:29At least one to two haircuts, final answer.
00:16:35Or I'll just go too weird, too fast.
00:16:37You know, I'll just be like, oh, you know, same old, same old.
00:16:40Trying to avenge my mentor, quiet the night terrors.
00:16:42How about you?
00:16:46Are you keeping the shadows at bay?
00:16:53Yeah, one thing I've been saying a lot in conversation lately is,
00:16:57that makes sense.
00:17:01I only realized the other day how little that's bringing to the dialogue.
00:17:07That makes sense.
00:17:10All you're saying is, I comprehend what was spoken.
00:17:17It's literally the verbal equivalent of checking your phone.
00:17:23I counted once.
00:17:24I said it to the other person eight times over the course of our chat.
00:17:28I feel like they walked away being like, well, say what you want about Aparna.
00:17:34She knows English.
00:17:38She understands the language.
00:17:42She understands better than she speaks, but she's on her way.
00:17:47She knows the three words.
00:17:49A Duolingo is working.
00:17:50Yeah, there's so many social environments that seem like I should be good with,
00:17:57but I'm not.
00:17:58Like, flea markets?
00:17:59It feels like, as an introvert, flea markets should be my nightclub.
00:18:02Like, that should be where I'm going ape wild bananas.
00:18:05But something about the setup I find so nerve-wracking,
00:18:09because it's like, with the boots,
00:18:11what is more stressful than looking at someone's art or wares
00:18:16while they're looking at you.
00:18:20And then you have to decide whether you're going to support
00:18:22their dream slash small business or not,
00:18:26all under their penetrating gaze.
00:18:33Every flea market booth, I'm just like, oh, oh, is this you?
00:18:37Oh, wow.
00:18:41And these go right in the ear.
00:18:44Oh, my God.
00:18:45Oh, my God, fantastic.
00:18:47Like a little chandelier for your head.
00:18:50That's lovely.
00:18:53And the beads are local.
00:18:55I love that.
00:18:58And in my head, I'm like, do I keep standing here?
00:19:07Oh, my gosh.
00:19:08You know what?
00:19:08I just remembered.
00:19:10I am a joyless miser.
00:19:12But you keep creating art.
00:19:27I don't know how to leave.
00:19:31I don't know how to leave.
00:19:32I don't know how to leave.
00:19:33Is that why smoke bombs were invented?
00:19:36I don't understand.
00:19:38I don't understand the exit strategy.
00:19:40I also hate this one.
00:19:43I hate when your friend invites you to hang out with their friend.
00:19:46They're like, oh, my God, you and Tracy are going to hit it off.
00:19:49And then at some point over the course of the hang,
00:19:52your friend has to go to the bathroom.
00:19:54And then you're just left with an absolute stranger.
00:19:58You have to be like, Brianna.
00:20:03Loves to pee.
00:20:06I love that about Brianna.
00:20:08She's hydrated.
00:20:09Yeah.
00:20:12Or, you know, the group text where everyone's having a great time,
00:20:15banter flying, jokes, jokes, jokes.
00:20:17But then you try to write something funny,
00:20:19and it's just radio silence.
00:20:21Yes, that's when everyone decides to adjourn for whatever reason.
00:20:26It feels like the most passive-aggressive version of Social Shark Tank,
00:20:30where everyone's like, we love what you're doing here.
00:20:32It's so brave and inspiring, but I'm out.
00:20:39Or, you know, when someone stops you on the street to ask for directions,
00:20:42and then you see them further down the street asking someone else for directions.
00:20:48What about me, screams, I need a second opinion.
00:20:51And then, lastly, the group photo,
00:20:55where you don't really belong in the photo,
00:20:57so you agree to take it,
00:20:59but then they insist on doing one with you in it,
00:21:03and you know later someone's going to look at it and be like,
00:21:06Who's that?
00:21:08Who's that hopeful potato in the middle?
00:21:10I think you guys conjured a spirit.
00:21:22Yeah, I am a, you know, a pretty quiet person,
00:21:24and sometimes when you're quiet, people are like,
00:21:26Well, that's okay.
00:21:27You don't say a lot, but you're a great listener.
00:21:29You know, you're a really good listener.
00:21:30That's a thing.
00:21:37I'm not.
00:21:39Sometimes I'm not talking, and I'm not listening.
00:21:44Sometimes it's unclear why I'm there at all.
00:21:46I'm just the potato in the photo.
00:21:51I will freeze up around strangers occasionally and not know what to say,
00:21:58and that can confuse everyone.
00:22:00They're like,
00:22:00Why are you doing stand-up,
00:22:01this literally thing of what to say in front of strangers?
00:22:04I thought about it.
00:22:05It sort of makes sense,
00:22:06because, like, when I do have something to say,
00:22:07I've got to write it up, rehearse it,
00:22:09you know, get comfortable with it,
00:22:10and then I've got to pick a time and place
00:22:12where I'm going to present it,
00:22:13sort of discreetly, like a drug lord meeting,
00:22:16and then I've got to advertise and promote it,
00:22:19just like,
00:22:20One night only, she speaks, you know?
00:22:28And then afterwards, I demand my money,
00:22:31so I think it's a pretty good racket.
00:22:33Yeah, people with a lot of social anxiety
00:22:38struggle with something called the spotlight effect.
00:22:40It's like when you're out in public
00:22:41or around a lot of other people,
00:22:43you think everyone's paying way closer attention to you
00:22:46than they actually are.
00:22:47Like, teenagers experience it a lot.
00:22:49That's why they're so chill and easy to be around.
00:22:54By trying to remember,
00:22:55Okay, when you're doing stand-up,
00:22:56people are looking at you,
00:22:57they're expecting things.
00:22:58The rest of the time, you're probably fine.
00:23:00You're probably overthinking it.
00:23:01The problem is,
00:23:03I am friends with a lot of other performers
00:23:05and comedians,
00:23:06and the thing is,
00:23:07they are hyper-observant.
00:23:10They are watching everything around them
00:23:12closely at all times.
00:23:13They're looking for their next bit.
00:23:14They're looking for more content.
00:23:15You know, they're just scanning, scanning, scanning,
00:23:18like Terminators who read the artist's way.
00:23:21You know, like they...
00:23:22They are not safe people.
00:23:26One time I was out to lunch with some comedians.
00:23:31We were all eating these big, juicy burgers,
00:23:34and I took kind of a too big bite of mine,
00:23:36and a little bit of hot sauce flew in my eye,
00:23:38and I started blinking a lot and crying,
00:23:40but just sort of at a half of my face,
00:23:42and I was like,
00:23:43You know what?
00:23:43It's fine.
00:23:44Probably no one even noticed.
00:23:45Like, you're doing great.
00:23:46It could have been worse.
00:23:47You could have thrown yourself on the ground
00:23:49and just been like,
00:23:50Why, God?
00:23:50Why?
00:23:51You know,
00:23:51you're playing it so cool.
00:23:53You're good.
00:23:53Just keep going.
00:23:55And then the comedian,
00:23:56all the way at the other end of the table,
00:23:58goes,
00:23:58Hey, Aparna,
00:23:59I noticed you took kind of a too big bite of your burger
00:24:01and a little bit of hot sauce flew in your eye,
00:24:04and now you're blinking a lot
00:24:05and crying,
00:24:06but just sort of at a half of your face.
00:24:12She narrated the whole thing
00:24:15to the group,
00:24:17just a play-by-play.
00:24:18Next thing you know,
00:24:21I'm a metaphor for futility
00:24:23in her next one-person show.
00:24:28It kind of feels like
00:24:29if you were walking in public
00:24:31and you tripped
00:24:32and you tried to play it off,
00:24:33and then everyone around you
00:24:35faced forward
00:24:36like they were in a musical,
00:24:37and they're just like,
00:24:38Her legs have got the tangles.
00:24:40Her legs have got the tangles,
00:24:42and she just fell down.
00:24:48Meanwhile, I'm on the ground like,
00:24:51Why, God?
00:24:52Why?
00:24:55I also feel like
00:24:56when you're friends
00:24:57with a lot of performers,
00:24:58they will never not take
00:24:59an opportunity to perform,
00:25:01so this has happened to me
00:25:02multiple times.
00:25:03Someone has done
00:25:04an impression of me
00:25:06to my face.
00:25:09I don't know
00:25:09if this has happened
00:25:10to anyone in the audience.
00:25:11I say class action lawsuit,
00:25:13you know,
00:25:13emotional damage
00:25:15is still being sustained.
00:25:17The last time it happened to me,
00:25:18I was standing
00:25:19with some acquaintances,
00:25:21and one of them
00:25:22just starts talking
00:25:23about how I have
00:25:24such a unique sound.
00:25:27Like, she was a music executive,
00:25:29and I was a bright-eyed
00:25:30young woman
00:25:31about to be exploited.
00:25:35And then she just starts
00:25:36doing an impression of me
00:25:37to the group,
00:25:38and at that point,
00:25:39it was just like
00:25:39a near-death experience.
00:25:41You know, I was just like,
00:25:42where's the light?
00:25:43This feels like a good time
00:25:44to walk into it.
00:25:46Had a good run.
00:25:48Because it's never good.
00:25:50It's never good.
00:25:51Like, it'll always be
00:25:52something like this.
00:25:53Okay, Aparna.
00:25:54Okay, Aparna,
00:25:54this is you.
00:25:58I'm Aparna.
00:26:05And everyone's like,
00:26:06that does kind of
00:26:07sound like you.
00:26:08Oh, that does kind of
00:26:10sound like you, though.
00:26:11Uh-oh.
00:26:12Uh-oh.
00:26:12It's pretty good.
00:26:16You have to be like,
00:26:17you're right.
00:26:18You're right.
00:26:18I sound like an absolute tool.
00:26:21Thank you so much.
00:26:23Thank you for this friendship.
00:26:26Thank you for this opportunity.
00:26:28Thank you for this opportunity.
00:26:30Thank you for nominating me.
00:26:32It kind of reminds me
00:26:35of when someone's like,
00:26:36oh, my God,
00:26:37I just saw someone over there
00:26:38who looks just like you.
00:26:39And then you turn and look,
00:26:41and it's just like a stop sign
00:26:42surrounded by trash bags.
00:26:44I see it.
00:26:46I see it.
00:26:49Uncanny.
00:26:52Wow, I love how you perceive me.
00:26:54Thanks for that
00:26:57and the wiki feet tip.
00:26:59Thanks.
00:27:00Thanks.
00:27:03Yeah, I have trouble
00:27:05connecting with people.
00:27:06I did connect with one person
00:27:08in a way that society
00:27:09arbitrarily values.
00:27:10I did get engaged
00:27:12if you clocked earlier.
00:27:14Oh, thank you.
00:27:15Oh, thank you.
00:27:16Oh, my God.
00:27:16Very polite.
00:27:17Very polite.
00:27:18I feel like I just did
00:27:19a trick at SeaWorld.
00:27:20Like, oh, good for her.
00:27:25She made it through the hoop.
00:27:28But ultimately,
00:27:30still a prisoner in the system.
00:27:37Yeah, no, I got engaged
00:27:38to a white man.
00:27:40You know, keep your enemies close.
00:27:47No, it's good to have someone
00:27:48on the inside.
00:27:49I know what they're up to.
00:27:51You know,
00:27:51I sort of just went deep
00:27:52undercover on this one.
00:27:54But I'm starting to forget
00:27:56who I am.
00:27:57It's been so many years.
00:27:58But, you know,
00:27:58my identity was stolen,
00:27:59so it's fine.
00:28:02No, I got engaged
00:28:04like two and a half years ago
00:28:05still having a lot of trouble
00:28:06using the word fiancé.
00:28:08I don't know how you guys
00:28:09feel about the word fiancé.
00:28:10Something about it
00:28:11is just way too braggy to me.
00:28:14Like, fiancé feels like
00:28:15going like,
00:28:15oh, my God, sorry.
00:28:16I'm just so blessed
00:28:18I got to switch to French
00:28:19for a second.
00:28:19Like,
00:28:20the energy is a bit excessive.
00:28:25It's coming in a little hot.
00:28:26So,
00:28:27I've been trying to think
00:28:28of alternate terms.
00:28:30You know,
00:28:30I have a couple so far.
00:28:31I have
00:28:32my live-in emergency contact,
00:28:36Lord of the Ring,
00:28:38that's worse.
00:28:39and then lastly,
00:28:42my husband,
00:28:43J.K.L.O.L.
00:28:44That's sort of the running,
00:28:46that's sort of the running favorite.
00:28:48But, uh,
00:28:48they're all a little too long,
00:28:50so for the rest of my set,
00:28:51I'm just going to refer to him
00:28:52as Grunks.
00:28:53Okay, Grunks.
00:28:54It's an acronym.
00:28:56It stands for
00:28:56Gentleman Routinely
00:28:57Under Near Constant Surveillance.
00:28:59But, you know,
00:29:02Grunks is just a little easier to say
00:29:04and it also just kind of
00:29:05falls lightly on the ear.
00:29:07So, you know,
00:29:08when I say Grunks,
00:29:09I am referring to my beloved.
00:29:12But, yeah,
00:29:13Grunks and I,
00:29:13we have a good relationship
00:29:15and I know, right?
00:29:17It's like,
00:29:18it's just beautiful.
00:29:21We have a good relationship.
00:29:22I would say, you know,
00:29:23every good relationship
00:29:24relies on a balance, right?
00:29:26It's like one person's
00:29:27good with money,
00:29:28the other person's
00:29:29bad with money,
00:29:30you know?
00:29:31Like, you sure got to
00:29:33compliment each other
00:29:34for it to make sense.
00:29:37And we have a pretty good dynamic.
00:29:38I'll tell you a quick story
00:29:39to illustrate
00:29:40what our relationship looks like.
00:29:42Okay, so one time
00:29:44in the middle of the night,
00:29:46you know,
00:29:46the time that all
00:29:47relationships are tested,
00:29:49I'm sleeping in the bedroom
00:29:52just looking like a dang angel
00:29:53with a night guard
00:29:55as per usual.
00:29:58And then Grunks
00:29:59is kind of curled up
00:30:00on the couch
00:30:00in the living room
00:30:01just sort of cozying up
00:30:03to one of the other ladies
00:30:04who lives in our house
00:30:05who happens to be a cat.
00:30:09And suddenly the cat
00:30:11startles at a noise
00:30:12that nobody else really heard
00:30:14which, you know,
00:30:14if you're familiar
00:30:15is sort of a cat specialty
00:30:16and you can't really be like,
00:30:18I didn't hear anything
00:30:19because she'll be like,
00:30:20mm, that's gaslighting,
00:30:22you know?
00:30:23So,
00:30:23and you know,
00:30:29in our house,
00:30:29we believe women.
00:30:30So,
00:30:32she startles,
00:30:33in doing so,
00:30:34she scratches him
00:30:34really badly, okay?
00:30:35Just wrist to elbow,
00:30:37top to tails,
00:30:37here's that cool scar
00:30:38you always wanted.
00:30:39And he just goes,
00:30:41hey,
00:30:41I just got scratched
00:30:42really bad,
00:30:43can you help me?
00:30:44To my credit,
00:30:45I am dozing,
00:30:46I hear him,
00:30:47I pop up like a robot doll
00:30:48who just learned
00:30:49about free will
00:30:50because nothing
00:30:52piques my interest
00:30:53like the invitation
00:30:54to look at a fresh wound,
00:30:56okay?
00:30:57It's like hyper-local
00:30:58true crime,
00:30:59I've been dreaming
00:31:00about this,
00:31:00I've been training
00:31:01for this.
00:31:01So,
00:31:02he goes to the bathroom
00:31:04to clean himself off,
00:31:05I show up seconds later
00:31:06with my phone,
00:31:07ready to take some pics,
00:31:08ask some cues
00:31:09for the forthcoming pod,
00:31:10obviously,
00:31:11and this has never
00:31:13happened to me before.
00:31:14I take one look
00:31:15at his bloody arm
00:31:16and I suddenly feel
00:31:17really dizzy
00:31:18and nauseous,
00:31:19like I'm gonna throw up
00:31:20and faint at the same time,
00:31:22and I just go,
00:31:23I don't feel so good.
00:31:26And then,
00:31:27as he's trying
00:31:28to tend to his wound,
00:31:29I just grab onto him,
00:31:31and I slowly start
00:31:33sliding down his body,
00:31:35just like,
00:31:36ahhhhhh!
00:31:40Sort of like
00:31:41an exotic dancer
00:31:42who should have
00:31:43called out sick.
00:31:48It's like,
00:31:49Tina, go home.
00:31:51I'm fine.
00:31:53Anyway,
00:32:00I slide,
00:32:01keep sliding,
00:32:02all the way,
00:32:03hit the floor,
00:32:04just lie down
00:32:05over his feet,
00:32:06and I go,
00:32:08can you give me
00:32:09some air?
00:32:17So, you know,
00:32:18that's sort of what
00:32:18I'm bringing
00:32:19into the relationship.
00:32:23I feel like
00:32:23even if you are
00:32:24badly injured,
00:32:25I will still find
00:32:26a way to make it
00:32:26about me.
00:32:28And, um,
00:32:29that is my strength.
00:32:31My love language
00:32:32is stealing focus.
00:32:38Yeah,
00:32:39I am more introverted,
00:32:40and Grunks is not okay.
00:32:41He's more outgoing,
00:32:42he's more sociable,
00:32:43uh,
00:32:44more chatty,
00:32:44and it can be
00:32:45a challenge
00:32:46to live with me,
00:32:47you know,
00:32:47because it's like,
00:32:48I'm not always
00:32:49picking up the banter
00:32:50he's throwing down,
00:32:51and sometimes
00:32:52I'll have to say
00:32:52increasingly desperate
00:32:53things to try
00:32:54to get me to engage.
00:32:56One time we were
00:32:57standing in the kitchen
00:32:58and just out of nowhere
00:32:59he goes,
00:32:59hey,
00:33:00so I finally agree
00:33:01with this legislation
00:33:02these two Republican
00:33:03senators are trying
00:33:04to pass.
00:33:07And I was like,
00:33:09did he just
00:33:10conversational
00:33:11clickbait me?
00:33:14It felt like
00:33:20the equivalent
00:33:21of being like,
00:33:21you'll never believe
00:33:22what this child
00:33:23actress looks like
00:33:24now.
00:33:29Anyway,
00:33:30you know,
00:33:30I pretended
00:33:31I didn't hear him
00:33:32shoveled away,
00:33:32as I do.
00:33:33I was like,
00:33:33I'm not falling
00:33:34for your verbal
00:33:35thirst trap.
00:33:37And then a couple
00:33:38days later I was like,
00:33:39wait,
00:33:39what was that thing
00:33:40you were saying
00:33:40about the Republican
00:33:41senators?
00:33:42And he was like,
00:33:43oh, yeah,
00:33:44they're trying
00:33:45to pass legislation
00:33:45to get rid
00:33:46of daylight savings.
00:33:49And I was like,
00:33:49I knew it.
00:33:52I knew it wasn't
00:33:53worth it.
00:33:55That's so true.
00:34:01I wish we could
00:34:02turn back the clock
00:34:03to before you
00:34:03ever said it.
00:34:07No,
00:34:07that's not fair.
00:34:08Grunks is good.
00:34:09We love grunks.
00:34:11I'm sort of the
00:34:13person in the
00:34:13relationship who's
00:34:14like, eh,
00:34:15what are you
00:34:15going to do?
00:34:16And grunks is
00:34:16the one who's
00:34:17like, well,
00:34:18not what you
00:34:19just did.
00:34:19You know,
00:34:20so it's a very
00:34:22delicate ecosystem.
00:34:27Yeah,
00:34:27we actually have
00:34:28more than one
00:34:28cat.
00:34:29We have two
00:34:29cats.
00:34:29We adopted
00:34:30them over the
00:34:31pandemic as
00:34:31kittens.
00:34:32They are sisters.
00:34:34Feel free to
00:34:34openly weep
00:34:35or salute me.
00:34:37I also take
00:34:38gazelle.
00:34:40No,
00:34:41I've never
00:34:41lived with
00:34:42cats before,
00:34:43you know,
00:34:43sort of a late
00:34:44in life cat
00:34:45employee.
00:34:46You're never
00:34:47a cat owner.
00:34:48You know,
00:34:48your performance
00:34:49is being reviewed
00:34:50at all times.
00:34:51But I don't
00:34:53know,
00:34:53to me,
00:34:54living with
00:34:54cats sort
00:34:55of ends up
00:34:56feeling like
00:34:57living with
00:34:57models.
00:34:58As far as I
00:34:59can tell,
00:35:00because all
00:35:00they do all
00:35:01day is slink
00:35:02around your
00:35:02home,
00:35:04draping
00:35:04themselves over
00:35:05various pieces
00:35:06of furniture.
00:35:08While you
00:35:09cannot stop
00:35:10taking photos
00:35:11of them.
00:35:13Each one
00:35:14more iconic
00:35:15than the last.
00:35:18And occasionally
00:35:19they'll swan up
00:35:20to you with
00:35:20this heavy-lidded
00:35:21gaze,
00:35:22just like,
00:35:22I'm gorgeous,
00:35:23what do you
00:35:24do?
00:35:29And then,
00:35:30you know,
00:35:30twice a day
00:35:31they get a
00:35:32little handful
00:35:32of food.
00:35:33So,
00:35:33pretty much
00:35:36like a model.
00:35:37Pretty much
00:35:38like a model.
00:35:40And then later
00:35:41they throw it
00:35:42up,
00:35:42so.
00:35:45Pretty much
00:35:45like a model.
00:35:49No,
00:35:49sometimes you'll
00:35:50be sitting on
00:35:50the couch
00:35:51and one of
00:35:51them will
00:35:51just jump
00:35:52in your lap,
00:35:52curl up,
00:35:53take a nap,
00:35:53and you'll
00:35:53be like,
00:35:54oh my god,
00:35:54a model
00:35:55wants to
00:35:55sleep with
00:35:55me.
00:35:57It's always
00:35:58a little
00:35:58boost.
00:35:59my favorite
00:36:01thing is
00:36:02when you
00:36:02try to
00:36:02pet a
00:36:03cat
00:36:03and
00:36:03they
00:36:03just
00:36:03go,
00:36:06just
00:36:09fully
00:36:09matrix
00:36:10you.
00:36:12Like,
00:36:13oh,
00:36:13did you
00:36:13think
00:36:13we were
00:36:14friends?
00:36:16This is
00:36:16parasocial,
00:36:17babe.
00:36:19You don't
00:36:19know me,
00:36:20you just
00:36:20love my
00:36:20work.
00:36:21Yeah,
00:36:27does anyone
00:36:28in the
00:36:28audience
00:36:29want
00:36:29kids?
00:36:32I love
00:36:33that.
00:36:33Honestly
00:36:34love that.
00:36:36I love
00:36:37when we
00:36:38can reach
00:36:38consensus
00:36:39as an
00:36:40American
00:36:41people.
00:36:47Gorgeous.
00:36:48I feel
00:36:49like I'm
00:36:49forming
00:36:49the right
00:36:50cult.
00:36:51We don't
00:36:54need
00:36:54Kool-Aid.
00:36:54We're done.
00:36:57Yeah,
00:36:58I don't
00:36:59know,
00:36:59it's a
00:36:59personal
00:36:59decision.
00:37:00And I
00:37:00know some
00:37:00people in
00:37:01the audience
00:37:01might have
00:37:02kids,
00:37:02but that
00:37:03wasn't the
00:37:03question.
00:37:04I said,
00:37:04do you
00:37:05want?
00:37:05And no
00:37:07is still
00:37:07available to
00:37:08you as
00:37:08well.
00:37:12It is a
00:37:13personal
00:37:13decision.
00:37:13Grunks and
00:37:14I were in
00:37:14the no
00:37:15kids camp,
00:37:15and I was
00:37:16trying to
00:37:16figure out
00:37:17what my
00:37:17reasons are,
00:37:18and I
00:37:18don't know,
00:37:19I guess for
00:37:19me it just
00:37:20feels like you
00:37:21got to
00:37:21end the
00:37:21franchise
00:37:22sometime.
00:37:26It's like
00:37:26the Halloween
00:37:27movies,
00:37:27like the
00:37:28evil must
00:37:28eventually
00:37:29rest.
00:37:34I also
00:37:34kind of want
00:37:35to be the
00:37:35branch on the
00:37:36family tree
00:37:36where it's
00:37:37like,
00:37:37ooh,
00:37:37what happened
00:37:38there?
00:37:40Spooky.
00:37:41just kind
00:37:43of snaps.
00:37:47Yeah,
00:37:48I also
00:37:48know,
00:37:49I wish I
00:37:49was better
00:37:50with kids.
00:37:50Like,
00:37:50you know
00:37:51how sometimes
00:37:51you'll meet
00:37:52your friend's
00:37:52baby,
00:37:53and as soon
00:37:53as you hold
00:37:54them,
00:37:54they just
00:37:54start bawling,
00:37:55and everyone
00:37:56pretends like
00:37:56it's fine,
00:37:57but you know
00:37:57inside,
00:37:58they're like,
00:37:59uh-oh,
00:37:59undercover
00:38:00demon alert.
00:38:03Pure
00:38:03darkness has
00:38:04been sensed
00:38:05by an
00:38:05innocent.
00:38:13Yeah,
00:38:14I will say
00:38:14one thing
00:38:15that sort
00:38:15of grates
00:38:16on me,
00:38:16all my
00:38:17friends who
00:38:17have kids
00:38:17around the
00:38:18holiday season,
00:38:19they'll start
00:38:19sending out
00:38:20these photo
00:38:20cards,
00:38:21and it'll
00:38:21just be
00:38:22them and
00:38:22their little
00:38:23ones in
00:38:23these coordinated
00:38:24outfits,
00:38:25and they all
00:38:25look so cute,
00:38:26and every year
00:38:26I get a new
00:38:27card,
00:38:27and it's just
00:38:28them celebrating
00:38:29peace and joy
00:38:30over time,
00:38:31and clearly
00:38:32I've started
00:38:33to get a little
00:38:33resentful,
00:38:34so I think
00:38:35I'm going
00:38:35to start
00:38:35putting out
00:38:36my own
00:38:36holiday photo
00:38:37card,
00:38:38and it's just
00:38:39going to be
00:38:39me and
00:38:40grunks and
00:38:41the two
00:38:41cats,
00:38:42and then
00:38:42every year
00:38:43I'm just
00:38:44going to
00:38:44photoshop the
00:38:45cats a
00:38:46little bigger,
00:38:47and then
00:38:55every year
00:38:56they're just
00:38:56going to get
00:38:57bigger and
00:38:58bigger,
00:38:59until one
00:39:00year the
00:39:01card will
00:39:01simply be
00:39:02one cat eye
00:39:03pressed against
00:39:04the lens
00:39:05like a
00:39:07giant squid
00:39:08against a
00:39:09submarine
00:39:09window,
00:39:10and I'll
00:39:12just write
00:39:12whose
00:39:13family's
00:39:13growing
00:39:14now?
00:39:18Happy
00:39:19holidays.
00:39:22I also
00:39:23kind of
00:39:23think of
00:39:23kids as
00:39:24the original
00:39:24colonizers.
00:39:28Hear me
00:39:29out,
00:39:29you know,
00:39:29it's like
00:39:29they show
00:39:30up,
00:39:30they immediately
00:39:31flip the
00:39:32power
00:39:32hierarchy,
00:39:33they deplete
00:39:34you of
00:39:35all your
00:39:35resources,
00:39:36and they
00:39:37make you
00:39:38put their
00:39:38art up
00:39:39everywhere.
00:39:45Everything's
00:39:45suddenly about
00:39:46their culture,
00:39:47you know,
00:39:48it's like,
00:39:48no, I don't
00:39:48want to learn
00:39:49the gospel
00:39:49of Peppa Pig.
00:39:53Also,
00:39:54their cuisine,
00:39:55it's like,
00:39:55have you heard
00:39:55of a spice?
00:40:00Pea puree
00:40:01is not a
00:40:01dish,
00:40:02and dinosaur
00:40:04shape is
00:40:05not a
00:40:05flavor.
00:40:10Time to
00:40:11decolonize.
00:40:16No,
00:40:17one big
00:40:18change that
00:40:19Grunks and
00:40:19the family
00:40:20unit and
00:40:20I made,
00:40:21we moved
00:40:22from New York
00:40:23to L.A.,
00:40:24you know,
00:40:24it was very
00:40:24brave.
00:40:26No one's
00:40:26ever done
00:40:27it before.
00:40:29Those of
00:40:30us who
00:40:30survived
00:40:31the journey
00:40:31must share
00:40:32our story,
00:40:33but,
00:40:33no,
00:40:35I don't
00:40:35know what
00:40:35we were
00:40:36thinking.
00:40:36I think
00:40:36one day
00:40:37we just
00:40:37hitched
00:40:37our wagons,
00:40:38headed west
00:40:39in search
00:40:39of a better
00:40:40avocado,
00:40:41and there
00:40:42we were.
00:40:43But it was
00:40:43a little
00:40:44bittersweet.
00:40:44I was in
00:40:45New York
00:40:45for almost
00:40:45a decade,
00:40:46and it's
00:40:46a tough
00:40:47place to
00:40:47figure out,
00:40:48but by
00:40:48the end,
00:40:48I was so
00:40:49free,
00:40:50you know,
00:40:50I was just
00:40:50like,
00:40:51Sarah Jessica
00:40:52Parna,
00:40:52skipping
00:40:53around.
00:40:55Wearing a
00:40:56little bagel
00:40:56as a hat,
00:40:57waving at
00:40:58buses,
00:40:59networking with
00:41:00pigeons,
00:41:02trying to hold
00:41:02Wall Street
00:41:03accountable.
00:41:04Every day
00:41:04before the
00:41:05bell ring,
00:41:06I'd be like,
00:41:06you guys,
00:41:07remember what
00:41:08we talked
00:41:08about?
00:41:12Yeah,
00:41:12I was so
00:41:13empowered by
00:41:13the end,
00:41:14I started
00:41:14doing this
00:41:14thing where
00:41:15I would
00:41:16catcall men.
00:41:17Okay,
00:41:20fine,
00:41:20not catcall
00:41:21as much
00:41:22as bother,
00:41:23I should
00:41:23say,
00:41:24but what
00:41:25it is I
00:41:26would do,
00:41:26I would
00:41:26just go up
00:41:27to random
00:41:27men on
00:41:28the street,
00:41:28and I'd
00:41:28just be
00:41:29like,
00:41:29it's
00:41:30everything I
00:41:31dreamed,
00:41:32Papa.
00:41:32you know,
00:41:42I just
00:41:43will wait
00:41:43and see
00:41:43what they
00:41:44do.
00:41:45It's a nice
00:41:46quick litmus
00:41:46test,
00:41:47I feel like
00:41:47you can never
00:41:48have enough
00:41:48strong father
00:41:49figures in
00:41:50your life
00:41:50trying to
00:41:52collect them
00:41:52all.
00:41:53no,
00:41:55but LA's
00:41:56been good,
00:41:56it's sort
00:41:56of a
00:41:56different
00:41:57scene,
00:41:57like,
00:41:58someone
00:41:58complimented
00:41:59my energy
00:42:00recently,
00:42:01I was
00:42:01like,
00:42:01thank you,
00:42:03I'm glad
00:42:03it's working
00:42:03for you,
00:42:04I'm not
00:42:04sure it's
00:42:05always working
00:42:05for me,
00:42:06I do
00:42:07get wet
00:42:07bras in
00:42:07the mail.
00:42:13I just
00:42:14feel like
00:42:14in New York
00:42:14no one
00:42:15would ever
00:42:15compliment
00:42:16your energy,
00:42:17you know,
00:42:17they'd be
00:42:17like,
00:42:17get your
00:42:18energy out
00:42:18of my
00:42:19energy's
00:42:19face.
00:42:21Like,
00:42:21in New York
00:42:22at any
00:42:22given time,
00:42:23if you're
00:42:23like,
00:42:23are you
00:42:23mad at
00:42:24me,
00:42:24seven
00:42:24strangers
00:42:25around you
00:42:25will be
00:42:26like,
00:42:26yes,
00:42:26and not
00:42:28have to
00:42:28explain
00:42:29themselves
00:42:29at all,
00:42:30and you'll
00:42:30be like,
00:42:30and I'm
00:42:31mad at
00:42:31you,
00:42:31and good
00:42:32day,
00:42:33wish you
00:42:34were dead,
00:42:34yeah,
00:42:36that's how
00:42:37you say
00:42:37hi there.
00:42:41I'm also
00:42:41still getting
00:42:42used to
00:42:42driving here,
00:42:43you know,
00:42:43LA driving
00:42:44city,
00:42:45I don't
00:42:45know,
00:42:45I,
00:42:46people say
00:42:47Californians
00:42:48are chill,
00:42:48but I would
00:42:49say a lot
00:42:49of people in
00:42:50LA are
00:42:50driving like
00:42:51they did
00:42:52not get
00:42:52the part,
00:42:53you know,
00:42:53a lot of
00:42:57frustration being
00:42:58worked out on
00:42:59the freeways,
00:43:01and you know,
00:43:02my main problem,
00:43:03I will admit,
00:43:03I'm a very timid
00:43:04driver,
00:43:05like I'm the
00:43:05sort of person
00:43:06where if I cannot
00:43:07merge in time for
00:43:08the exit,
00:43:08I'm just like,
00:43:09well,
00:43:09this is my new
00:43:09life,
00:43:10I guess,
00:43:11I think I'll just
00:43:12start over in
00:43:13Tujunga.
00:43:20I'm trying to be
00:43:21more assertive on
00:43:22the road,
00:43:22I've turned into
00:43:23what I would call
00:43:23a passive-aggressive
00:43:25driver,
00:43:25like if you cut
00:43:26me off in
00:43:26traffic,
00:43:27I will follow you
00:43:28all the way to
00:43:29wherever you're
00:43:29going,
00:43:29and then when we
00:43:31get there,
00:43:32I'll just be like,
00:43:32it's fine,
00:43:33I don't really want
00:43:34to talk about it,
00:43:35honestly,
00:43:37let's just drop
00:43:38it,
00:43:38you're obsessed.
00:43:41Yeah,
00:43:41I'm not,
00:43:41but yeah,
00:43:41I've been doing
00:43:42this thing where
00:43:43I help the worms,
00:43:44I've started to
00:43:45question the whole
00:43:45thing,
00:43:46because how does
00:43:46it usually go?
00:43:47Maybe the drizzle
00:43:48has finally petered
00:43:49off,
00:43:49you're walking
00:43:49outside,
00:43:50you see one of
00:43:51these noodles
00:43:51of the soil
00:43:52just sailed
00:43:53in the middle
00:43:53of the sidewalk,
00:43:55and you're like,
00:43:55well,
00:43:55last time I checked,
00:43:56I'm incredible,
00:43:57I better do
00:43:58something,
00:43:59so you know,
00:44:00you just bend over,
00:44:00pause your podcast
00:44:01about podcasts,
00:44:03um,
00:44:03can't be a hero
00:44:05and think about
00:44:06Squarespace at the
00:44:07same time,
00:44:08so,
00:44:09and then you just
00:44:09take care of business
00:44:10and you walk away
00:44:11being like,
00:44:11well,
00:44:12someone's a very
00:44:12good boy,
00:44:13because I stopped
00:44:14my busy,
00:44:14someone where
00:44:15they find more
00:44:15bones,
00:44:16yeah,
00:44:16it's a great
00:44:19program,
00:44:20yeah,
00:44:21really,
00:44:22really good,
00:44:23oh yeah,
00:44:23go ahead,
00:44:24pull the plug.
00:44:30Yeah,
00:44:30I'm also glad
00:44:31some of my
00:44:31lifelong interests
00:44:32are finally
00:44:33starting to
00:44:33line up with
00:44:34my age,
00:44:34like one thing
00:44:35I've always
00:44:35loved to do,
00:44:36even since I
00:44:36was young,
00:44:37when I go out,
00:44:38is just find
00:44:39good places
00:44:40to sit,
00:44:41like some
00:44:42people go out
00:44:43to make an
00:44:43experience,
00:44:44you know,
00:44:45or meet
00:44:45someone,
00:44:46have a memory,
00:44:47all,
00:44:48and you know,
00:44:56that'll just be
00:44:57me trying to
00:44:57smile at someone,
00:44:58so,
00:45:00good luck
00:45:01talk to us
00:45:01to us all,
00:45:02I mean,
00:45:03clearly your
00:45:04relationship to
00:45:05your body
00:45:05changes over
00:45:06time,
00:45:06it's like in
00:45:06your 20s and
00:45:0730s,
00:45:08you'll be like,
00:45:08oh,
00:45:08you hurt yourself
00:45:10from doing
00:45:10stuff,
00:45:11it'll be like,
00:45:11oh,
00:45:11I sprained my
00:45:12wrist rock
00:45:12climbing,
00:45:13it's like,
00:45:14okay,
00:45:14way to slip a
00:45:14brag in there,
00:45:15cliffhanger,
00:45:16but now I
00:45:18feel like he's
00:45:18like,
00:45:19oh,
00:45:19I turned to
00:45:20look at
00:45:20something,
00:45:21and my neck
00:45:24was like,
00:45:24bye,
00:45:27and I had to
00:45:29go straight to
00:45:29the American
00:45:30Girl Doll
00:45:30Hospital,
00:45:31because they're
00:45:32the only ones
00:45:32who take my
00:45:33insurance,
00:45:34you'll see
00:45:38anyone who's
00:45:39a small,
00:45:40stiff woman,
00:45:40hot tip,
00:45:42they'll also
00:45:46replace your
00:45:46whole head,
00:45:47and who else
00:45:48is offering
00:45:48that,
00:45:49very necessary,
00:45:52notice I now
00:45:52pee with the
00:45:53teaser trailer,
00:45:54it'll be like,
00:45:55main show,
00:45:56roll credits,
00:45:57and then a little
00:45:57taste of the
00:45:58next one at
00:45:59the end,
00:46:00sort of like
00:46:01a Marvel movie,
00:46:03I guess,
00:46:04I've been trying
00:46:09to take better
00:46:10care of myself
00:46:10as I get older,
00:46:11but I don't know,
00:46:12health stuff is
00:46:12so confusing,
00:46:13there's so many
00:46:14mixed messages,
00:46:15I keep reading
00:46:16articles that are
00:46:16like,
00:46:17feeling better
00:46:18than usual,
00:46:19you could be
00:46:19having an aneurysm,
00:46:21or it's like,
00:46:28have you been
00:46:28taking walks,
00:46:29here's what you
00:46:30don't know,
00:46:31like everything's
00:46:32so scary,
00:46:34my mom's just
00:46:35a hot pipeline
00:46:36of these articles,
00:46:37you know,
00:46:37she'll just send
00:46:38link after link
00:46:39on the family
00:46:39group chat,
00:46:40no context,
00:46:41just coming in
00:46:42hot on a
00:46:43Wednesday at two,
00:46:44it'll be like,
00:46:44guess what,
00:46:45you could be on
00:46:45the path to
00:46:46severe gum disease,
00:46:47but there's really
00:46:47no way to know,
00:46:48because all the
00:46:49symptoms are
00:46:49invisible,
00:46:50until one day
00:46:51it's too late
00:46:51and your mouth
00:46:52falls off,
00:46:52well, good luck,
00:46:53that's how the
00:46:55article ends,
00:46:55well, good luck,
00:46:56certain foods,
00:46:59I feel like we
00:46:59never know how
00:47:00we feel about them,
00:47:01like eggs,
00:47:02I know eggs have
00:47:03been back in the
00:47:03news,
00:47:04but the jury's
00:47:05always been out
00:47:06on eggs,
00:47:06one week is like,
00:47:07guess what,
00:47:08eggs will give you
00:47:08a whole new
00:47:09set of joints,
00:47:10and then the
00:47:17next week it's
00:47:18like, uh-oh,
00:47:19eggs did
00:47:19climate change,
00:47:20eggs are
00:47:23canceled,
00:47:24my mom sent
00:47:29me this one
00:47:29article that
00:47:30destroyed me,
00:47:31she sent me
00:47:31this article that
00:47:32apparently scientists
00:47:33have decided a lot
00:47:34of dark chocolate
00:47:35is now bad for
00:47:36you, what?
00:47:39Apparently a lot
00:47:40of dark chocolate
00:47:41has higher than
00:47:42recommended levels
00:47:43of arsenic and
00:47:44lead, arsenic
00:47:47and lead, no
00:47:48one's on the
00:47:49fence about
00:47:49those two,
00:47:50I don't
00:47:55understand,
00:47:56I switched to
00:47:56dark chocolate
00:47:57because I thought
00:47:57it was healthier,
00:47:59you know, it's
00:47:59like less sugar,
00:48:00more antioxidants,
00:48:01look fancy eating
00:48:02it, and now I
00:48:04just find out I've
00:48:05been slowly poisoning
00:48:06myself over years
00:48:07and years like a
00:48:09scheming butler.
00:48:16I feel like knowing
00:48:17the right way to
00:48:17take care of
00:48:18yourself is sort
00:48:19of like using a
00:48:19hotel gym, has
00:48:21anyone ever had
00:48:21the absolute honor
00:48:22of using a hotel
00:48:23gym?
00:48:25It's never a
00:48:26priority when a
00:48:26hotel makes a
00:48:27gym, so you walk
00:48:28in, it's immediately
00:48:29a psychological
00:48:30riddle, you know,
00:48:31it's like you enter
00:48:32and what do you
00:48:33see?
00:48:33It's like three
00:48:34medicine balls,
00:48:36one of them
00:48:36looks scared,
00:48:38a stationary bike
00:48:42that only goes
00:48:43backwards,
00:48:45a TV that's on
00:48:48too loud and
00:48:49mounted too high
00:48:51but there's no
00:48:51remote and no
00:48:52way to reach it
00:48:53and somehow
00:48:54is playing a
00:48:55video of you,
00:48:57a water cooler
00:49:02with a boiling
00:49:03hot cap for no
00:49:04reason and just
00:49:06a bowl of
00:49:07apples and
00:49:09they're like,
00:49:09you figure it
00:49:10out, you figure
00:49:11out how to
00:49:12nourish your body
00:49:13in this scenario.
00:49:15It definitely feels
00:49:16like there are
00:49:16scientists behind
00:49:17the mirrors just
00:49:18taking notes, you
00:49:19know, just trying
00:49:19to be like, uh-oh,
00:49:21we got one trying
00:49:22to make soup
00:49:23again, another
00:49:26bodybuilder making
00:49:27soup, I just
00:49:29threw an apple
00:49:30at the TV, that's
00:49:32new.
00:49:34I recently stayed
00:49:35in a hotel where
00:49:36they bragged about
00:49:37how good their gym
00:49:38was, they were
00:49:38like, we're not
00:49:38like other hotels,
00:49:39people specifically
00:49:40compliment our gym.
00:49:42Walked in the first
00:49:43day, what did I
00:49:44see?
00:49:44Just a man in a
00:49:45turtleneck bowl,
00:49:46just grinning like a
00:49:47fool, my gums
00:49:48gushing blood, just
00:49:51topped off with
00:49:52arsenic and lead.
00:49:54I'm just going to
00:49:55pop an egg in my
00:49:56mouth and be like,
00:49:56see you in hell.
00:50:02Trolling me.
00:50:03You know, it did
00:50:04feel like the
00:50:04universe was like,
00:50:05oh, you sad,
00:50:07you boo-hoo.
00:50:10Well, here comes
00:50:11the fun mobile,
00:50:12you soggy clown.
00:50:17Another time in
00:50:18the middle of our
00:50:18session, my therapist
00:50:19just starts sniffing
00:50:20around her rectangle.
00:50:22She's just like,
00:50:23and then she's
00:50:25like, I'm so
00:50:26sorry, I have to
00:50:27go check something.
00:50:28She runs off
00:50:28screen, she's
00:50:29gone a few
00:50:30moments, she
00:50:31comes back, she's
00:50:32like, I'm so
00:50:33sorry, I thought
00:50:33something was
00:50:34burning, it's a
00:50:34candle, it's fine.
00:50:36I was so
00:50:37convinced she was
00:50:38going to come
00:50:38back and just be
00:50:39like, yep, I was
00:50:41smelling what I
00:50:42thought I was.
00:50:44You're bullshit.
00:50:50Guys, thank you
00:50:56for listening to
00:50:56my bullshit.
00:51:00Thank you so
00:51:01much.
00:51:02You've been such a
00:51:03wonderful crowd.
00:51:05I appreciate you
00:51:06being here.
00:51:08Thank you, thank you,
00:51:08thank you, thank you.
00:51:21Hey, I just saw
00:51:22your show.
00:51:23Oh, that's so
00:51:24nice, thank you for
00:51:26coming.
00:51:26Yeah, I was there.
00:51:29Well, I hope you
00:51:31liked it.
00:51:31I thought you'd
00:51:32move around
00:51:33more.
00:51:53Comedy.
00:51:55Oh, I don't
00:51:56think I could
00:51:57pull that off.
00:51:59Also, where
00:52:00would it...
00:52:01...
00:52:03...
00:52:04...
00:52:05...
00:52:06...
00:52:07...
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