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00:00In New York City's storied underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:12I was expecting the Twin Towers to have twin tatas.
00:16That's good.
00:19Our mission? To liberate society from its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:24Our secondary mission? To prove Nebula does more than educational content
00:28with a show that actively makes you dumber.
00:31In just a moment, four brave abolitionists will face off against each other in the political establishment.
00:37Their goal? To win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar sign on it
00:41and an invitation to our World Championship season finale.
00:45But to do it, they'll need to convince the crowd on the other side of this curtain.
00:49This is the fight of our lives. This is the future we've been waiting for.
00:55This is Abolish Everything.
01:08Tonight's abolitionists, Sean McGowan, Alex Krokus, Sarah Smallwood Parsons, and Sabrina Wu.
01:19Thank you so much for watching Abolish Everything. I'm your host, Chandler Dean.
01:32Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted, yet required by our twisted system to introduce the political establishment.
01:38Who?
01:41Rachel Koster.
01:42Who?
01:44Dan Toomey.
01:45Who?
01:47John Marcos Cerezi.
01:49Who?
01:51And Chief Justice of the political establishment, Andy Vega.
01:55Who?
01:57Look at these people.
01:58These are the four hottest young Republicans we could find at CPAC.
02:02I am out of competition, but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony.
02:06Are you ready to abolish everything?
02:09Then without further ado, my time starts now.
02:14My friends, there is something to be said about the value of generosity with no expectation of reciprocity.
02:21What separates us from the animals is our capacity to give to each other, even when we don't immediately see how it might benefit us.
02:28That is why we need to abolish the tiny little cups they give you at certain restaurants when you ask for water.
02:41I am more thirsty than that.
02:45First of all, in what situation would I ever need this amount of water?
02:50If a fire breaks out in Whoville, grow up.
02:54Second, before you even get the water cup, you have to suffer the indignity of the cashier reaching past the perfectly good normal cups to the shitty little corner where they keep the poor people cups.
03:09And then, like their Steve Jobs revealing the iPod Nano, pull out the smallest cup that the world's cup engineers have been able to produce.
03:20The economists in the room, and we typically have about 70, will tell me.
03:24Chandler, obviously they are doing this to incentivize you to buy soda.
03:29To this I ask, what are the margins of this establishment that you have to implement Soviet-style rationing of a resource that most of us get out of a hole in our apartment for free?
03:44They don't trust me.
03:45They don't trust me.
03:46What do they think I'm gonna do with the awesome power of a regular cup?
03:51Oh no, what if he steals soda?
03:54I do pretty well for myself.
03:57I can afford soda.
03:59If my wife lets me put it on the joint card.
04:03Chandler, just ask for a refill.
04:07You want me going up to the counter begging for a handout like I'm Oliver the damn orphan?
04:13And by the time I do get up there, I am both disoriented and parched.
04:18So when I try to croak out my request, they got my ass sounding like Joe Biden when he's been out in the sun for too long.
04:25Excuse me, ma'am.
04:27We got a problem in America.
04:29Didn't get enough water, now I'm a thirsty boy.
04:32The Republicans won't tell you they got more water back there.
04:36But they don't want to give it to you and me.
04:38They want to give it to the fat cats on Wall Street.
04:41Not a joke!
04:43I could do this for the rest of the night.
04:45But we have to move on.
04:50Now look, you might think that this is fine.
04:54You can live with cups this size.
04:56But do you really believe it's gonna stop here?
04:58They're gonna keep pushing us until we show them we're not gonna take it anymore.
05:02You ever see one of these bad boys?
05:04That's what's coming next.
05:07Try to put this on a table.
05:09It's disastrous.
05:11Or hey, who says that this cup only has to have ketchup in it?
05:15If we give them an inch, they'll take that inch and fill it with water.
05:21Abolish the tiny little cups they give you at certain restaurants.
05:24When you ask for water, I yield my time.
05:26The political establishment will have the opportunity to rebut me and their time starts now.
05:33I'm sure it goes without saying, I spent a lot of time in Europe.
05:36And I will tell you, that cup of water is all the water you need.
05:43Your American tastes have made you think that you need large portions.
05:47And you don't.
05:49And I will tell you, when you start insulting that cone cup,
05:52which, by the way, water has never tasted better than out of that cone cup,
05:56you say, oh, you can't put it down.
05:59Let me ask you this.
06:00How many rings from cups are at your table at home?
06:05Because I'm gonna guess you can't even see the table anymore.
06:10And it's better than spilling the water all over the place,
06:13which is exactly what those office cups do.
06:15I think you're just trying to get us to go into the office.
06:18It's all a return to office scheme.
06:21Because that's where those cups populate.
06:23I had to show up to the shoot today.
06:27Well, and I know it was extremely laborious.
06:29It's that European work day.
06:31Five hours that Judd Marcos had to be here.
06:34I was just gonna say, I go to Europe a lot.
06:36It's my favorite country.
06:37And some people have really tiny pipes.
06:42My throat is the diameter of half a penny.
06:47About a pen.
06:49Yeah.
06:50So maybe some people like getting served a tiny little cup
06:52so they don't feel like an outcast with a tiny little weird throat.
06:56Have you thought about that, Chandler?
06:58I bet you didn't.
06:59I would suggest, Andy, that if this is the case, you simply take a regular cup and don't slurp it down as fast as you possibly can.
07:07What else am I supposed to do with that kind of cup?
07:09Sip!
07:10Chandler's space is finite in case you didn't freaking know, FYI.
07:14And if a restaurant is only a certain size, they have to have small cups so they can have as many as they possibly want
07:20so they can feed more people water.
07:22You would rob hundreds of people the opportunity to drink water at an establishment at the same time as their friends
07:27because you want the cups bigger and then they don't have enough room for so few cups because the cups are so huge and large.
07:33You're so greedy it makes me nauseous.
07:36I need a tiny cup of water right now.
07:39I don't know.
07:40No, I'm sorry.
07:41Why aren't you using a non-disposable bottle for your water?
07:44Mmm.
07:45Why do you hate the environment so?
07:48The restaurants are not letting you bring in your own cup and fill it like it's 7-Eleven free cup day, okay?
07:55I exist in this system.
07:57I'm working with the cups that they have.
07:59And Rachel, I don't know what restaurants you're going to where the doors are bursting open
08:04because they have so many cups that they can't fit anything else.
08:07Yeah, you know why?
08:08Because they're giving you the small cups.
08:09Exactly.
08:10They have both.
08:11I'm saying get rid of the small cups.
08:13There will be fewer cups at that point.
08:15Chandler Dean Mamdani.
08:19Inshallah.
08:20I'll have you know that my father made his millions off the tiny cup business,
08:25specifically the tiny little clan hat ones.
08:28And it was his dream to create a cup tiny enough that you could identify which people in the restaurant were poor.
08:35Now, you mean to tell me that my father's legacy was built on a lie?
08:41I'm going to go out on a huge limb here and say I do not support the man who made cups based on Ku Klux Klan robes,
08:48which you said.
08:49And I was like, we are not going to let that go.
08:52It's recycling.
08:54You said the thing that separates us from animals is how we can give to other people.
08:59And you know what?
09:00That's not it.
09:01It's we shit indoors.
09:03Chandler, the idea that you are not using these cups to steal soda is unbelievable to me.
09:10Even if you could afford it, I think you'd do it for, it seems like the only crime you'd be brave enough to commit.
09:18And that's time!
09:21Are you ready for your first abolitionist of the night?
09:25All right.
09:27Our next abolitionist has written for Klick Hole, The Onion, and Jackbox Games.
09:31Please welcome Sean McGowan.
09:41It started when I was a boy.
09:44My father enrolled me in schooling.
09:46His reasoning being that I should learn some of the numbers that there are.
09:53Perhaps you are familiar with some of these numbers as well.
09:56I'm talking about numbers like one.
10:01One.
10:04Two.
10:09Three.
10:14Four.
10:17And even six.
10:22Aren't I forgetting something?
10:24No!
10:26It is time to abolish the number five!
10:31Since the beginning of time, numbers have been one of the best ways to know how much of something there is.
10:44Numbers have inherent meaning.
10:46Three is a magic number, a holy trinity seen over and over again in religious iconography and ancient texts.
10:53Four, of course, is an elemental number, the cycle of nature, the four seasons.
11:01Cold wet.
11:03Wet.
11:05Hot wet.
11:06And the old pig egg.
11:07And the old pig egg.
11:10And six, of course, the number of friends in the hit TV show.
11:14Friends!
11:16Numbers are the language of harmony, of beauty, of the universe itself.
11:21But five.
11:22Five.
11:24Five is hideous.
11:28Five is Adam Levine's merry band of music makers.
11:34The Five Maroons.
11:35Five is the number of Dice and Yahtzee, a dullards game that only is played in rented beach houses when it's raining out.
11:46Because what else are you gonna do?
11:48Read the single, tattered copy of the Tom Clancy novel that's there?
11:55What has five sides?
11:56The Pentagon.
11:59Who has five fingers on each hand?
12:02Casey Anthony.
12:07Among others.
12:09Five is a brand of gum whose commercials were always thinly veiled fetish content.
12:18Five is the worst possible configuration of people to be in when you're walking down a narrow sidewalk.
12:26And you are the lone straggler forced to sweatily engage in the conversation in front of you.
12:36And the people in front of you are never the people in the group you actually want to be talking to.
12:40You want to be talking to the people in the front pair because you can hear them having the time of their lives.
12:46They're saying things like, if only someone in this group knew a lot about Jeff Probst.
12:51And you just re-read Jeff Probst's Wikipedia page.
12:58Can you believe there's no controversy section?
13:07Five is the Beatles.
13:10If they added Adam Levine.
13:12Completely abolishing the number five from society sounds difficult.
13:18It isn't.
13:20In fact, it's solved by a simple plan that I like to call...
13:23Move it up one.
13:25For the Olympics five rings logo, we can add another ring.
13:29One that better represents the Olympics.
13:31Michelle Kwan's Facebook profile picture.
13:33And while we're rebranding, add a slogan.
13:37The Olympics.
13:39Let's ruin a city to see if the guy who's best at throwing a javelin is still the same guy.
13:44Now I concede, sometimes the number five is going to be unavoidable.
13:51In these instances, I recommend replacing the number five with an equivalent value.
13:55Instead of saying, my son is five years old, you can say, my son is the starting lineup for the Utah Jazz years old.
14:10Such a fun age.
14:11And normal, everyday sentences like, I got into five different car accidents today.
14:20Becomes, the number of car accidents I got into today is the number of friends and friends, minus Ross.
14:29Also, I think I have a concussion.
14:32And with that, I turn to the four, four members of the political establishment and I yield my time.
14:38Sean, Sean, let me ask you this.
14:48How tall are you?
14:5566 inches.
15:05What's this?
15:06That's the starting lineup for the Utah Jazz.
15:09Are you insane?
15:10No.
15:11If you abolish five, there are no more starting lineups for basketball teams.
15:15There's no more math.
15:16There's no more communications.
15:18The healthcare system falls into an abyss.
15:21You're trying to destroy the world we have created to live in as people.
15:25So many people will die or not be able to play basketball.
15:28We have five fingers.
15:30We have five toes.
15:31We have five tenses.
15:32Two plus two equals five.
15:33Five.
15:34I have five testicles.
15:35There are things that you cannot change about this world.
15:39High fives.
15:40Five star.
15:41Fiver.
15:42Five of beans.
15:43Fifth element.
15:45We can move all those up one.
15:46Mambo number six.
15:47I'm going to jump off a room.
15:49I'm sorry.
15:50What the fuck is a six-a-bean?
15:55The Sixth Sense is a great movie.
15:57How will you know what to take when you're in a fight with your friends at a hangout and things are getting really intense and you just kind of want to restore peace amongst the people that you love more than anyone in the world?
16:10What will you take then?
16:12You need to take five.
16:13Okay.
16:14What's wrong with six here?
16:15Move it up one.
16:16I don't got that kind of time.
16:17That's why I got two watches.
16:18One's New York time.
16:19The other's Vermont.
16:23Do you know what it's like to two four gum?
16:25No.
16:26Do you know what it's like to two six gum?
16:28No.
16:29This is what it's like to two five gum.
16:32Sean, I was born at the age of five.
16:35We know who likes the fetish content.
16:36Sean, first off, thank you for dressing up for this.
16:39I want to let you know, I was born at the age of five and my mom died immediately.
16:43So it's a special number for me.
16:44Now, are you shaming the number five because it has a beautiful belly underneath its fun little hat?
16:52Fat phobic, wow.
16:53Are you being fat phobic, Sean, against the number five?
16:55The number five is a mock, it's basically just a two flipped a little bit.
16:58It's unoriginal.
17:01But it means so much more.
17:02Three more.
17:05I'm sorry, if you think this upside down two looks like a five, you are insane.
17:09This is a bird trying to get into a jet turbine.
17:14Who is six going to walk with because they're scared of seven?
17:18That's not even a joke.
17:19It's four, six, seven, eight.
17:21Six needs more than four to walk by seven.
17:23Do you know what seven did?
17:25Do you know what seven did?
17:26Do you know what seven did?
17:27Do you know what seven did?
17:28No, no, say it.
17:29Say what seven did.
17:30I am not here to comment on the allegations on seven.
17:32They're not allegations.
17:33They're not allegations.
17:34They're not allegations.
17:35You are on seven's list, admit it.
17:37That photo of me with the number seven was taken a long time ago.
17:39I knew that was fucking you.
17:41I knew that was you.
17:42It was on Sesame Street.
17:43Without five, how will my boyfriend know how much time sex is supposed to take?
17:47And that's time!
17:48That's time!
17:49Our next abolitionist is a cartoonist whose debut graphic novel, Talking to My Father's Ghost,
17:55is available everywhere right now.
17:57Give it up for Alex Krokus!
17:59Folks, it's time to abolish cover letters.
18:12I thought we were all on the same page with this, but every job listing I see still asks
18:20for them, so here we are.
18:23Anyway, the cover letter.
18:25It's degrading, it's insincere, and it's a big waste of everyone's time.
18:31Cover letters, historically, are a way to tell your employer what you're all about, right?
18:38Right?
18:39But if you're doing it correctly, a good cover letter should showcase none of that.
18:48Applicants with cover letters can be broken down into three categories.
18:52One, we have the perfect candidate, right?
18:55Otherwise known as a rock star, the perfect candidate is overflowing with passion for data
19:02entry cloud solutions LLC.
19:05This person literally doesn't exist.
19:08So let's move on to candidate two.
19:11The career romantic.
19:13This is if a yes man and a pick me girl had a baby.
19:17They've always dreamed of working in an accounting firm.
19:21They're a nerd.
19:22They've always been a nerd.
19:24And they absolutely do not fuck.
19:28Third, we have the liar.
19:32This is most applicants and likely the entirety of tonight's audience, including me.
19:38We don't want to lie, but we kind of have to.
19:43These are people who claim they admire the mission when in reality they just need dental
19:47insurance before the infection in their teeth spreads to their bones.
19:51Cover letters are a scam.
19:53It's homework for a job that you don't have yet.
19:56And now it's not even homework that you write yourself because let's be honest, all cover
20:03letters are written by AI.
20:05But all cover letters are read with AI too.
20:09So what we have is a robot writing to another robot while you sit there unemployed in the
20:18middle, bong in hand, covered in crumbs, something.
20:26Anyway, if corporations are just using ATS software to scan for keywords, why not just skip the
20:35whole thing, just have the robots talk to each other and they can shake their little clanker
20:40hands and let the humans judge each other on human merit?
20:46They say a good cover letter checks every box in the machine's protocol.
20:50That's called a meritocracy.
20:53A system that rewards people purely based on ability and performance.
20:58Sounds fair, right?
20:59Right?
21:00Wrong!
21:01You shouldn't ask for this.
21:04Because odds are, you're not the best at anything.
21:09Why would you want this?
21:11Yes, but maybe, just maybe, you're a really good hang.
21:18And for you, may I suggest the system of nepotism.
21:23That's what I like to hear.
21:26It's an egalitarian model where you don't need to be the best candidate, just the one
21:31that somebody likes enough to get a drink with after work.
21:35But some may be asking, Alex, without cover letters, how will we know who's serious about
21:42the job?
21:43Well, idiot, that's what the resume and interview is for.
21:47You lie about your accomplishments on the resume and then you stick the landing in the
21:51interview.
21:52This, this is the world that I'm fighting for.
21:56A cover letter free society where robots don't decide your future.
22:02And the most important hiring metric isn't whether or not you're the best machine or computer.
22:09It's whether you're a human who is fun and brings Molly to the holiday party.
22:15I rescind my time.
22:18Abolish cover letters.
22:21To whom am I concerned?
22:28Would you prefer that we were judging like people that what if instead of a cover letter
22:34you send in a picture of yourself, that would be worse because I don't know anything about
22:38you from a picture.
22:39But if you wrote me a cover letter, then I would get to know you in the most amazing way
22:43because I would see your personality shine and flourish.
22:46Right now I don't know anything about you, but this could easily have been rectified if
22:50you had sent in a letter before you got here so I could know.
22:53But now I don't know if I even really want you around.
22:56I fucking knew you people were going to say this.
22:59Seeing all the things AI is capable of, I'm starting to wonder why we should hire any human beings at all.
23:07Yeah.
23:08I think you got your wish.
23:09There will be no more cover letters because there will be no more jobs.
23:14So you agree with me?
23:16Yeah, you should keep jacking off or whatever.
23:18Yeah.
23:19I think that we should all keep jacking off.
23:22You can jack off to cover letters.
23:24That's what I do.
23:25I want an employee who doesn't need to ask, should I jack off again?
23:29I want one that takes the initiative.
23:32Alright, to your point, Rachel.
23:36A picture is worth a thousand words, and it is also often much better to jack off to.
23:43That's not the saying.
23:45That's not the whole thing.
23:46You should have done it already.
23:47You should come into your boss's office and be like,
23:49Hey, I jacked off this many times.
23:52You need to show quantifiable data that you're doing a good job jacking off outside while the robots are doing your job.
23:57I don't need to, I shouldn't have to write on a piece of paper how many times I've jacked off.
24:01I want to walk into the job and say,
24:04Sir, I'm a woman.
24:07In this scenario.
24:08Wow.
24:09Wow.
24:10Why would you assume that?
24:11Things aren't looking good for me.
24:13Wow.
24:14And you took the mic out of the stand.
24:16That's embarrassing.
24:18Well, you failed the interview.
24:20Let's see if we have a testament to your character in your cover.
24:22Oh, you didn't write one.
24:24You didn't have one.
24:25Wow.
24:26Well, we just got straight to the point, and I shouldn't have the job.
24:30And I didn't have to write a cover letter to get here.
24:33Do you think that your resume really explains the whole you?
24:38Because if I only got your resume, then I wouldn't want to invite you in because I would just be seeing dates and things that you've done.
24:45But if I read about you, then I'm so intrigued, and I just can't wait to get to know you and maybe go out for lunch and get a sandwich.
24:53But without a cover letter, there's no sandwich.
24:56There's no connection, and there's no us.
24:58There's no sandwich.
24:59No.
25:00I've never had a job, FYI.
25:02I just get it based on, like, vibes.
25:06It sounds like you're conflating a job interview with just, like, going on a date with someone.
25:12Again, I've never had a job, guys.
25:13Legit.
25:14I grew up rich.
25:15To be fair, an interview is a lot like a date.
25:18And a lot of dates wind up being successful without the cover letter.
25:23Not all of them, but...
25:25Has there ever been a job that you didn't apply for because it required you to write a cover letter?
25:31Yes.
25:32Exactly.
25:33You didn't want the job enough.
25:35And that's the point of the cover letter in the first...
25:37The job didn't want me enough.
25:38You're right.
25:39That's why they're taking multiple interviews.
25:41Of other people.
25:43I would much rather have a long, never-ending series of interviews than me having to...
25:50Don't worry.
25:51It seems like you are on the path for just that.
25:53And that's time!
25:55I am looking at the lineup, and there is something unusual here.
26:02I'm just going to go with it because that's just what it says on the paper.
26:06Our next abolitionist is one of YouTube's leading conspiracy theorists.
26:11Um, and their deal with Nebula is pending.
26:15Um, so I guess give it up for Dr. Jimbo Rattail.
26:20Hello.
26:21I'm Dr. Jimbo Rattail.
26:22You might know me from my YouTube show, The Truth.
26:35And I am here today because on my show, I disprove the existence of cryptids.
26:40Like Bigfoot.
26:42And I would like you to abolish the cryptozoology community.
26:49For spreading lies about mythical creatures that do not exist.
26:56And also for kicking me out.
26:57That's right.
26:58They kicked me out.
26:59That's right.
27:00They kicked me out.
27:01Because I don't believe in cryptids like Bigfoot.
27:02Or the Loch Ness.
27:03That's right.
27:04They kicked me out.
27:05Because I don't believe in cryptids like Bigfoot.
27:06Or the Loch Ness Monster.
27:07She ain't real.
27:10exist. And also for kicking me out. That's right, they kicked me out because I don't
27:26believe in cryptids like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. She ain't real. You know what
27:37in Israel? The Loch Test Monster. Basically exactly the same as the Loch Ness Monster but
27:47it's got some big old ta-tas. Capable of dragging a man under water and crushing his skull. And
27:56that's the truth. But the crypto community don't believe my theories. Calling them too
28:06stupid even for us. And just existing cryptids but a little bit dumber. And don't stand so
28:16close to me Jimbo, you smell like sweaty leather. But really? They're just afraid of, say it
28:24with me now. The truth! You got it. Another example of a cryptid that ain't real. The Moth Man.
28:35Basically the Moth Man. But he mansplains crypto to you. And he leaves a little trail of doo-doo in his underpants. And that's the truth!
29:00Jersey Devil. Oh! Not real! You know who the real Jersey Devil is? Bruce Springsteen!
29:17I swear to God, one time I saw that guy's head spin all the way around. But why stop
29:28here at the cryptozoology community, huh? Let's abolish all conspiracy theory groups who also kick
29:35me out. And will not let me back in. The flat earthers claim the earth is flat. Boo, that's right.
29:46When we all know the earth got big old ta-tas. Nothing flat about it. Oh yeah, we're going there!
30:02Abolish Reddit! And the Reddit community! For saying Bush did 9-11. When we all know that Bush did 9-11.
30:17I swear to God, I seen that guy's head spin all the way around.
30:23And last but not least, the anti-vaxxers for saying vaccines cause autism. No, they don't. What they do cause is me to sweat like I'm in a goddamn sauna.
30:40Please let me back in the cryptozoology community! Please! I wear undershirts now!
30:47In conclusion, please abolish the cryptozoology community. Thank you.
30:59I will say, I was expecting the Twin Towers to have twin ta-tas.
31:10That's good. So, look, if I can get a sense of what the hell's happening here, you're saying that the majority of these conspiracy theories aren't real, but they were real if they just had versions of titties that are capable of crushing a man's skull.
31:24I'd say about 90% of the time, yes. I yield my time.
31:31Do you think that maybe the groups kicked you out because your ideas were so close to what they believe is the truth that is your truth, but different?
31:41And if your truth was close... What if you guys... Do you think that maybe...
31:46Do you think the Flat Earth Conspiracy is close to the Big-Tit Earth Conspiracy?
31:50No, no, sorry. I understand. I guess I'm just... Maybe they just... Maybe you're unlikable. And I'm sorry to say...
31:59It could be.
32:00Guys, I'm sorry to say it. I'm sorry to say it. I'm sorry to say it.
32:03No, no, no. Double down.
32:04Double down.
32:05I'm sorry to say it. I'm sorry to say it.
32:06Double down.
32:07Maybe the groups are awesome. And or, or, or, or...
32:12Maybe they're horrible. You're awesome.
32:14You should have started with that one.
32:17Okay, great. And so can you guys take back what I said?
32:20So this is filmed so we're going back.
32:23So you guys can just edit that out.
32:26I think what happened is that the people that was in those groups, they don't get you.
32:30You're real, but you're wrong.
32:34And so, guys, I actually didn't understand the PowerPoint.
32:38But that's not your fault, doctor.
32:42I hate to alert the audience, but that is a skin jogger right there.
32:47What does that mean, y'all?
32:48It's like a skin walker, but they just started jogging.
32:52And they won't stop talking about it.
32:54Look, I relate to you, and I feel bad for you.
32:57I've been kicked out of many fringe online communities before for being too extreme.
33:03And I had to look inward, and I had to take Myers-Briggs tests.
33:07When he was removed from the 4chan community, you should have seen his face.
33:12He was very distraught.
33:13Hands were off.
33:14They thought I was bizarre.
33:17But I worked on myself.
33:19I'm actually an INFJ.
33:22I'm an introvert.
33:24It's cusp, but I am.
33:26And once I learned that about myself, it was easier for me to talk to these people that
33:31I shared so much in common with.
33:33All the hatred we shared towards various people for the very real and fair reasons.
33:38I got back into those groups, and so could you, you freak.
33:43If the earth has tits, which countries are the nipples?
33:48Trick question.
33:50No nipples.
33:51No nipples?
33:54Nipple is tits!
33:58I love them.
34:00Wait.
34:01No, I'm sorry.
34:02No, none of you would like that.
34:04You can't do that.
34:05That's it.
34:06That's the truth!
34:07No!
34:07You're a sheep!
34:10No!
34:10You would talk for anything!
34:12None of you would enjoy that.
34:14Stop acting like you would.
34:16Maybe they're just two big hills.
34:19I'm going to need you to talk to me after, because we need a brain like that over at the YouTube
34:23show.
34:23If you're near me, I will yell for the security at this venue.
34:27Which, knowing caveat, there is none.
34:30And that's time!
34:34Are you ready for your final abolitionist of the night?
34:36You've seen our final abolitionist on Murderbot, The Tonight Show, and Joyride.
34:43Put your hands together for Sabrina Wu!
34:46This summer, I went to Fire Island.
35:02It was my first time there, and, you know, I was surrounded by a lot of incredibly hot,
35:07basically naked gay guys.
35:09And I'm a trans-mask lesbian, and at first I was a little intimidated by the idea of taking
35:15off my shirt.
35:17But, eventually, on that island, I found the courage to do so.
35:20That's the magic of being surrounded by other queer people, embracing themselves and their
35:24bodies.
35:25I was also on acid.
35:30But that's not relevant.
35:33I swam into a pool alone, with my shirt off, and I felt amazing.
35:38I felt like my skin was glowing.
35:40I was even taking selfies.
35:42Look how cute I look.
35:44I literally...
35:47Wow.
35:48I had never felt more like a handsome guy.
35:52And then, to make it even more special, a group of gay guys showed up, and when they
35:56saw me, they literally gasped.
35:58They said, oh my god, you're so beautiful.
36:02There is an amazing energy radiating around you.
36:05And then I replied, I know.
36:08And then they started taking photos of me, unprompted, and I was feeling so confident.
36:15I let them.
36:17I was, like, posing for them, and I let myself feel beautiful, and they literally gasped at
36:23every shot, telling me, no cap.
36:25I looked stunning.
36:26And then they proceeded to send me the ugliest photos I have ever received.
36:31They sent me this.
36:33This photo was shot on a brand new iPhone.
36:45Where did the color go?
36:49And that just won millions.
36:56So, my hope, I have no more iCloud storage.
37:00They're all the same, except for this one they took artistic liberty with.
37:06I'm at a Dutch angle, for some reason.
37:10And this one, where I'm not even really in the photo at all.
37:16This is the before image in a Cymbalta commercial.
37:22If they used this for my obituary, I would find a way to kill myself again.
37:30For these reasons, and more, we must abolish gay guys taking photos of other people.
37:40It's too dangerous.
37:41Gay guys are so hot.
37:43And when they take photos of you, it makes you feel like your life is in a movie.
37:47You know what I mean?
37:49I felt like, I felt like this is what I looked like.
37:51I thought I was in a rom-com.
37:53The movie, no, was weapons.
38:00Okay, I see you.
38:04I know where your head's going.
38:06Maybe you think I'm generalizing too much, you know?
38:09One group of gay guys took some horrible photos of me.
38:14But are all gay guys the same?
38:18Obviously, no.
38:19Yeah, I guess I'll acknowledge there are multiple kinds of gay guys.
38:27There are the kinds of guys who sleep with other guys.
38:32And then there's the kind of gay guys who have a girlfriend and are obsessed with going to Fire Island.
38:38And I guess there's debates about whether or not he's actually gay.
39:03But I know he's a gay guy.
39:05You look pretty good up there.
39:14You'll never fool us.
39:16John Marco, I know you're a gay man.
39:17Because one time, John Marco does...
39:19Or Andy, whoever.
39:21And I know because he does stand-up and he hosts these shows.
39:24And sometimes he asks me to be on them and do my little stand-up set.
39:28And I've asked him to film me.
39:29Because, you know, I've got to make Instagram reels.
39:31And so he's filming me.
39:32And then he sends me this.
39:35Even if there are different kinds of gay guys, I think we can all agree that if a single member of a marginalized community makes a mistake, the whole group must pay.
39:51Yes, we must abolish gay guys taking photos of other people.
39:56Now call me crazy, but it seems to me like the actual point of this presentation was just to call John Marco gay in front of an audience.
40:10It wasn't to call John Marco gay derogatory.
40:13It was to acknowledge his identity.
40:15I look pretty damn good up there, don't I?
40:21If anything, this is about my own personal experience on Fire Island and me wanting to show off how sexy I look right here.
40:30All right.
40:31So just to be clear, this was the photo you think you thought you looked good.
40:34I was just asking.
40:39You do, F-I-I, you do, F-I-I, you do, F-I-I, you do, F-I-I, you do, F-I-I, you do, F-I-I, you do.
40:43No, I'm like the other ones.
40:45He's gay.
40:46He thinks this is nice.
40:54He's hard right now.
40:56I'm serious.
40:57I mean, you did acid.
40:59That's right.
40:59When I was there, I did K.
41:01Not surprised.
41:04I think those pictures are beautiful.
41:09I think they're cool.
41:10All right.
41:11You tell me when you see beauty, okay?
41:12I'm going to go through them.
41:14No, wait.
41:14I was talking about the ones of me.
41:18Look at that one.
41:19A gay guy took that one right there.
41:25I want to be very clear.
41:26I was very, very careful with my words.
41:28I said, gay guys cannot take photos of other people.
41:31You can take plenty of photos of yourself.
41:34Okay.
41:34In fact, I'm sure you love it.
41:36Sorry.
41:36Is this a TikTok?
41:37Is this a video?
41:39This is a screenshot.
41:40I just wanted...
41:40No, you have to subscribe for the video.
41:44I just like that.
41:46I did take a screenshot of a Google search of John Marco gay, but...
41:50I wanted it because it has this great caption he wrote,
41:53which his second trip to Fire Island went a little harder.
41:58Anyone can go to Fire Island.
42:08Let me just talk to the three straight people here tonight.
42:12Fire Island is a beautiful place.
42:14I don't think we should all go at the same time.
42:16Maybe one a weekend.
42:17And there's a couple that are free next summer.
42:20Go, go.
42:21It's a beautiful place.
42:22Did you have a good time?
42:24I literally had my self-image shattered within a moment.
42:28And that's time!
42:29Can we please get all of our abolitionists back to the stage?
42:38Give it up one more time for Sean McGowan,
42:42Alex Krokus,
42:45the good doctor,
42:48and Sabrina Wu.
42:55We are now going to decide what is going to be abolished.
42:58This will be determined by audience acclaim,
43:00whoever gets the loudest reaction on a proprietary piece of Abolish Everything technology,
43:04the Chirometer 3000.
43:05And the winner will receive this counterfeit sack of cash
43:12and an invitation to our World Championship season finale.
43:16So, without further ado,
43:18who thinks that we should abolish the number five?
43:28Who thinks that we should abolish cover letters?
43:30Who thinks that we should abolish the cryptozoology community?
43:46And who thinks that we should abolish gay guys taking pictures of other people?
43:51who thinks that we should abolish gay guys taking pictures of other people?
44:00Sabrina and Alex, please step forward.
44:03Yes!
44:04Congratulations to all our abolitionists.
44:07Who thinks that we should abolish cover letters?
44:09And who thinks we should abolish
44:20Gay guys taking pictures of other people
44:22My friends
44:30We have abolished
44:31Gay guys taking pictures of other people
44:34Congratulations to Sabrina Wu
44:37Give it up one more time
44:43For all of our abolitionists
44:45Let's give a hearty
44:49Fuck you to the panel
44:50And thank you for watching
44:55On Nebula
44:56We'll see you next time, goodnight
45:01Tell me that you've never seen
45:02Shawshank Redemption and see what happens
45:04I've never seen the Shawshank Redemption
45:06Hey man, that's no problem
45:07So boring, what would we talk about?
45:10Like, I want to die
45:10Thank you so much for joining us
45:13Thank you so much for joining us
45:14Thank you so much for joining us
45:15Thank you so much for joining us
45:16Thank you so much for joining us
45:17Thank you so much for joining us
45:18Thank you so much for joining us
45:19Thank you so much for joining us
45:20Thank you so much for joining us
45:21Thank you so much for joining us
45:22Thank you so much for joining us
45:23Thank you so much for joining us
45:24Thank you so much for joining us
45:25Thank you so much for joining us
45:26Thank you so much for joining us
45:27Thank you so much for joining us
45:28Thank you so much for joining us
45:29Thank you so much for joining us
45:30Thank you so much for joining us
45:31Thank you so much for joining us
45:32Thank you so much for joining us
45:33Thank you so much for joining us
45:34Thank you so much for joining us
45:35Thank you so much for joining us
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