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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Tom Davis!
00:30Yes, friends, yes, thank you for being here tonight, are we good, have a spit?
00:49Oh, baby, yeah.
00:52Can I say that feels good, I'm just going to get this out of the way, I played a gig at
00:57the weekend, and it didn't go so well, I played the Hair Awards.
01:02Let me tell you, as a bald man, that's a long four hours.
01:08You know the worst thing of it, at the end of the Hair Awards, the guy organising it
01:13come over to me and he goes, well done tonight, mate, nice one, here's a goodie bag.
01:18What am I going to do with a goodie?
01:20There was Volumiser in there.
01:22I'm like, that's like giving a goldfish a parachute.
01:25Can I make an omission of my friends, can I tell you a secret?
01:30I'm as high as a kite.
01:33Absolutely off my Sweden, not in an old school way, I've not been at the Coke.
01:39No, I'm on Cocodomole.
01:42The dad's drug.
01:44Let me break it down.
01:45I was putting my daughter to bed this evening, which weirdly is the time I usually like a
01:49couple of lines of cocaine.
01:51I find the Gruffalo's a better book when you're off your nut.
02:00The mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood.
02:05Don't cry, Dad, he's the Gruffalo, no-one understands him.
02:11It's a weird thing, I put my daughter to bed.
02:13I don't know how many parents we've got in the room, make some noise, parents.
02:17It's a bizarre...
02:18I'm still struggling with the whole sleep thing.
02:20For example, when my daughter does go to sleep, when she is sleeping,
02:23I'm in there every five minutes just to make sure she's still breathing.
02:26I don't know if you do this thing, running in, going...
02:31She's all right, she's fine.
02:32Just check again, just check again.
02:35She's fine, she's okay.
02:36I should just check one more time.
02:38That could be the pulse in here.
02:39I worry I'm still doing that when she's 21.
02:46Sorry, mate, just...
02:52Just checking, she's...
02:55Didn't know you were staying over.
02:58You're only dropping off a pizza.
03:00We're going through a thing at a moment with her where you put her to bed,
03:06and you have to wait now for about seven hours until she actually goes to sleep.
03:11You have to sit in the room until she's into a deep, deep sleep.
03:14Unless you sit in a corner.
03:16She's like, just sit over there until I'm asleep.
03:18And you're like, okay, so you sit in a corner, and then you've got to try,
03:21you know, wait two, three hours before you can sneak out.
03:23It's very hard to sneak when you're my size, you're six foot seven,
03:26everything creaks when I stand.
03:28I've got flatulence now, so it's like...
03:30As I'm making my way out of the room, a little head pops up like a sniper and goes,
03:41Where are you going, Dad?
03:45I need you to wait until I'm probably asleep.
03:49It's probably you idiot.
03:52I was in there tonight, and I know I've got to be here.
03:54So I think, I've got to get out, I've got to sneak out best I can.
03:58So I start sneaking out.
04:00And in my daughter's room, there's a chest of drawers.
04:02I've always got on with this chest of drawers before,
04:04never ever had a problem with it before, never once in my life.
04:07As far as I know, me and the chest of drawers were on good terms.
04:10I start coming out of the room, and I walk past the chest of drawers,
04:13and as I walk past the chest of drawers, I catch three of my toes.
04:16Smash!
04:17The pain sears through my body.
04:20But I can't scream.
04:22I can't make a sound.
04:23Because if I make a sound, I'm going to wake her,
04:25and then I won't be able to be here.
04:27So I do the most insane thing, Apollo.
04:30I silently scream.
04:32I go like this.
04:33Like, that's a better thing for my daughter to wake up and see her dad in her room,
04:44just there, looking at her, going...
04:46And this is where this gets worse.
04:50I start, actually, I start freaking out at the chest of drawers,
04:53like it's a geezer who's knocked my pint over in her weatherspoons.
04:55I start going,
04:56You prick.
04:57You snidey little prick.
04:59I'm a nice guy.
05:00I start fantasising about what I'm going to do to the chest of drawers tomorrow.
05:04Like, wave my wife off to work, my daughter off to nursery,
05:06then go upstairs into the bedroom, walk up and go,
05:09You still want to go now?
05:11You still want to make one with me in the cold light of day?
05:13Drag it down to the garage.
05:15I'm not going to beat it up.
05:16Not in my daughter's bedroom.
05:17That would be psychopathic.
05:18Take it to the garage.
05:20Light a cigarette, pour a whiskey like I'm in a Tarantino movie.
05:23Start circling it, going,
05:25Come on, then.
05:26Let's have you now.
05:27Pick up a sledgehammer and just start smashing the granny out of it.
05:30You tell all the rest of the stuff to not mess with me in the house.
05:33You tell that French daughter clothes when I push it.
05:36I think I'm carrying a lot of inner rage.
05:38That's what it is.
05:39On the basis, my daughter doesn't respect me.
05:42She's three and a half.
05:44She's got no respect for me at all.
05:45Nothing.
05:46For example, she started school this week, right?
05:48First day of school, she's at the bottom of the stairs.
05:50She's trying to put her little shoes on.
05:51She's got them on the wrong feet.
05:52She's struggling with the laces.
05:54Struggling to do the velcro.
05:55And I come over and go,
05:57I've got this. Come here.
05:58I'll do this for you.
05:59Put the shoes on the right feet.
06:00Do the laces.
06:01Do the velcro.
06:02I go, there we go.
06:03Have a good day.
06:04And she stands up and looks at me up and down.
06:06She goes,
06:07Oh, wow, Dad.
06:09Amazing.
06:11That was pretty amazing.
06:13You've been there for 45 minutes,
06:14making an absolute idiot out of yourself.
06:17We've been going through the Disney phase.
06:19Parents in the room,
06:20have you done the Disney phase?
06:21Yeah.
06:22We've been going film by film.
06:24We started off with Beauty and the Beast.
06:26Started watching Beauty and the Beast
06:2710, 15, 20 times a day,
06:28we're watching Beauty and the Beast.
06:29And at the end of the day,
06:30she'd turn around and go,
06:31Dad, Dad, can we play Beauty and the Beast?
06:34Obviously, that can only go one way.
06:37Feels like the start of therapy in 30 years otherwise,
06:40doesn't it?
06:41Why have you got such a low opinion of yourself, Grace?
06:43I was, like, three,
06:44and me and my dad would play Beauty and the Beast
06:47and he'd put on a yellow dress
06:48and just prance around the room.
06:50Obviously, obviously,
06:53she's Beauty and the Beast.
06:55And we'll be playing and she'll be going,
06:56Come here, beast.
06:57Come here, disgusting beast.
06:59Come here, dirty beast.
07:01Vile beast.
07:02Come here, grubby, disgusting beast.
07:05I'm like,
07:06I don't actually remember Belle being such a prick
07:09in the movie, if I'm honest with you.
07:12Before long, though,
07:13Beauty and the Beast becomes tiresome.
07:15It becomes boring.
07:16She starts watching, like, Frozen.
07:18And she's like, Daddy, Daddy,
07:19can we play Frozen?
07:20I was like, of course we can.
07:21She's like, I'm going to be Elsa.
07:23I'm like, good for you.
07:24Nice.
07:25Who am I?
07:26Olaf?
07:27Sven?
07:28And she looked at me, cold, in the eye
07:30and she went,
07:31No, Dad.
07:32You're the Beast.
07:39I said,
07:41There's not a beast in Frozen.
07:44And she went,
07:45You're always...
07:47...the Beast.
07:50Subsequently,
07:51I've been the beast in Toy Story.
07:53I was the beast in Moana.
07:54I was the beast in Up.
07:58I've been typecast in my own ass.
08:03Beast!
08:06Bizarrely, that was a moment in my life that I thought,
08:07You know what?
08:08I've got to lose a bit of weight.
08:09I joined the gym.
08:11I always think, if you want to find a dickhead, go to the gym.
08:13Favourite bit of kit in the gym that I love more than anything in the world is the good girl, bad girl machine.
08:20Do you know that one?
08:21It's when you sit there and go,
08:22Good girl, bad girl.
08:23Good girl, bad girl.
08:24Good girl.
08:25Good girl, bad girl.
08:26Good girl, bad girl.
08:27I'm in there the other day and this fellow bowls in.
08:31He's in full tennis whites, dressed up.
08:33By the way, has anyone here been to Wimbledon?
08:35Just quickly.
08:36Anyone?
08:37Not the town.
08:38I mean the tennis.
08:39You've been to Wimbledon?
08:40Yes.
08:41You enjoy it?
08:42I enjoy Wimbledon.
08:43I've got to say, I've been some places in my life I've never ever ever felt as out of place anywhere in my life as Wimbledon.
08:55I felt like an XL bully walking through Crufts.
08:58Bizarre place.
09:00Anyhow, I mean this guy bowls in, he's in full tennis whites, perma tanned and he walks up to this big mirror, bowls up slow like, looks himself up and down.
09:09gives a little sniff and goes.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:13LAUGHTER
09:15APPLAUSE
09:17GROANS
09:18GROANS
09:20GROANS
09:22GROANS
09:27GROANS
09:32GROANS
09:34GROANS
09:36GROANS
09:38I think to myself, this prick is playing shadow tennis, and he's losing.
10:00It's a funny thing. They say to be healthy, to keep yourself healthy, you need two things.
10:09You need to work out, you need to stay fit, which I've got on lock, as you can see.
10:14And you need a good diet. You've got to be on top of the diet.
10:16That is where I fall down. The diet. I am a greedy piece of shit by nature.
10:21For example, first thing I'll do when I get home tonight, won't be going to see my gorgeous wife, my Catherine, my girl, my world.
10:27Make sure she's okay, or checking in on my daughter.
10:30No, I go to my first love. The fridge.
10:34Bowling to the kitchen, stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran.
10:38Dim the lights.
10:40Slowly walk up to her.
10:42Pull her open.
10:46Rest my chin on a shelf, look down and look up and go,
10:50No, who's coming to bed with me tonight?
10:54You ever seen Ham wince?
10:56Got a derrily dunker's just making her run for the door.
11:03I'm disgusting when I get going. For example, the other week, I'm sitting there, I'm sitting watching Traitors.
11:08Anyone who's seen Traitors? I'm on the sofa. Do you watch Traitors?
11:10I like Traitors. All I wish it had was Danny Dole. I wish Danny Dole was in every program.
11:15I love Danny, I think Danny Dole, but you know, like, the moment that every morning when they sit around together at breakfast and they're all really worried about who's been murdered and who's the traitor, and they're all so polite, they're going,
11:24Who do you think did it? Who do you think's a traitor? Who do you think's been murdered? Who do you think the traitor is?
11:30Oh, I don't want to look at anyone. I'm so scared. I want Danny to come in seven Stellas deep.
11:34Just come bowling in, going, Are you the traitor? Are you the traitor? Are you the traitor? I'm the traitor. Right, complete it. Stick me in gladiators.
11:46I'm sitting there watching Traitors, right? I iron out a whole sleeve of Jaffa cakes to myself.
11:52Whole sleeve, just gone. And it's disgusting. I get halfway through the sleeve of Jaffa cakes, think, that's enough Jaffa cakes.
11:58But I start just wedging them into my mouth, two by two, just stuffing them in. I kick the wrapper across the floor, like I'm in an MMA fight.
12:07Go up to my bedroom, pull off my T-shirt, my gut falls over my Calvins. I just stand there looking in a falling mirror like, you're disgusting.
12:17That was a disgusting show of greed down there with those Jaffa cakes. You just demolished a whole sleeve of Jaffa cakes to yourself. Families of four.
12:26Of an evening will share a sleeve of Jaffa cakes. You just ate them on your own. You've got to do better. You're a dad now. Show some restraint.
12:35I get in the bed. I lay there for about two or three minutes and think, that was a two-pack of Jaffa cakes.
12:44There's another sleeve downstairs.
12:45My biggest showing of greed of late, my biggest showing of greed was, uh, was last year I took my wife out for Valentine's Day.
12:58I'm like, we're going out, babe, we're going to go somewhere lovely, have a right romantic one together.
13:02I mean, I should have probably dressed up a bit differently. I took her to a burger joint in North London.
13:07She got very dressed up. Black dress, handbag, high heels. I was like, you're going to embarrass yourself in there.
13:14They give you a plastic bib to eat with.
13:17And the front, outside the front of this place, is a picture of what they say is London's biggest burger.
13:23I turned to my wife, all sexy-like, and I'm like, I'm going to eat that tonight.
13:27And she's like, no, you're not. And I'm like, why? Don't you think I can?
13:34She went, no, I know you can, but it's Valentine's Day, and that would be disgusting.
13:40I took that as a flirty challenge.
13:44Bowled straight in the gaff, walked up to the waiter, went, oi, John, get me one of the big burgers, pal.
13:48Get me a big burger. Burger comes out, and let me tell you, Apollo, it was beautiful.
13:52Brioche bun, four beef patties, a little bit of bacon, some iceberg lettuce, blue cheese.
13:58There was a tomato in there. I kicked that mug straight out.
14:03Stay away from our burgers, you little prick.
14:06Sit to pass the sausage and salads. That's as political as I get.
14:12I pick this burger up. I look at my wife into her beautiful eyes.
14:16I give her a sexy wink. I open my mouth as wide as I can.
14:19I go, and stuff the burger in there.
14:21And as I close my mouth down, it just stops, and there's a stick running through the middle of the burger.
14:28My wife at first is like, I told you not to, it was too big.
14:39I told her, and I'm like, then she starts worrying.
14:44She's like, there's something wrong with my husband.
14:46There's something wrong with my husband. I think he's having a heart attack.
14:49The whole rest of the restaurant is like...
14:51..comes running over going, is he OK? Is he all right?
14:54Everyone's panicking now. Are you OK?
14:56HE SIGHS
14:58HE SIGHS
15:00HE SIGHS
15:02Panamonium. Everyone's worried. Everyone.
15:06Finally, one guy steps forward, looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.
15:10I say he looks like Bradley Cooper.
15:12He looks like Bradley Cooper if you're driving really quickly down the road.
15:14You go, you see him? He looks like Bradley Cooper.
15:17You drive around the block, slow down.
15:19You go, no, he didn't. What a waste of both our time.
15:24He comes over and he leans forward and he goes...
15:26He's French, by the way.
15:29I've seen this before somewhere.
15:32He's gone too big on his first bite.
15:35And he has a shtick caught in his mouth.
15:39Worry and anxiety turns to ridicule and laughter.
15:42Everyone just starts pissing themselves.
15:44Everyone's just laughing. My wife's laughing so much.
15:46She's got her forehead buried into this guy's chest.
15:49And she's like...
15:50Oh, is that Tom Ford?
15:52One guy finds it so funny.
15:53He runs to the door of the restaurant, boots it open and goes...
15:55You've got to see this!
15:57Some fat wank has got himself harpooned on a burger stick!
16:02People start coming in from out of the restaurant.
16:04People are leaving other restaurants.
16:06People are cancelling Ubers.
16:07All just to get a look at me, salad, ah!
16:09All the time, I'm just worried.
16:13I'm worried this is me for the rest of my life now.
16:15Gracie's wedding day like that, coming down the aisle.
16:26Finally, my wife and Bradley Cooper stop kissing.
16:28And he leans forward and he says,
16:33I've seen this somewhere before.
16:35The only thing you can do is pull the burger from the stick and out of his mouth.
16:39Then we break the stick.
16:41I would arguably say, Apollo,
16:43the most disgusting, unromantic thing you're ever likely to see on Valentine's Day
16:48is this Wally.
16:49Put a burger that's been in his mouth for about ten minutes,
16:52out of his mouth,
16:53watch him break a stick
16:54and then watch him pick the said burger up
16:56and go for a second bite.
16:58I'd say that's a Valentine's low right there.
17:07Ladies and gentlemen,
17:08are you ready for your first act?
17:11So I've got mad,
17:12go crazy,
17:14make some noise
17:15for my guy,
17:16Mr. K.
17:19K.
17:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:30Apollo, how are we doing?
17:35You well?
17:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:37Lovely, lovely.
17:38It's nice seeing you guys, man.
17:40Give me a cheer if you're over 30.
17:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:43Love that.
17:44My people, back pain setting in already.
17:46Lovely, love it.
17:47Give me a cheer if you're in your 20s.
17:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:50I can't stand you guys.
17:52LAUGHTER
17:53No, honestly,
17:54I've got to that age where I can't stand anything about young people.
17:57I hate you lot.
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59I do.
18:00You know when they're like,
18:01let's leave the world in a better place for future generations?
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05And you look at them...
18:06LAUGHTER
18:08LAUGHTER
18:10They're just like, let the world burn, bruv.
18:12They're going to put it on TikTok anyway.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15I can't stand you lot with that look that you all have,
18:17just that blank stare.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:21It's like somewhere along the way,
18:22you lot forgot that you have to communicate with your face.
18:25You just ask them anything and they're like...
18:27LAUGHTER
18:28I hate you lot, man.
18:29You speak too much.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:31You do. They talk too much.
18:32They just go on TikTok and tell you about their illnesses
18:35without anybody telling you why, like, they're just there.
18:38Just, yeah, yeah.
18:39Always...
18:40Always talking about their illnesses.
18:41Like, I was on TikTok the other day, this girl was like,
18:43follow me for a day in the life of somebody with IBS.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:49What is going on, guys?
18:52Like, when was it all right to start telling people
18:55you're walking around with a leaky bumhole, right?
18:59LAUGHTER
19:00LAUGHTER
19:02When did we OK this, right?
19:06When did we decide as a society this was OK, right?
19:09Like, do you know what happened when you used to suffer from IBS?
19:12You'd sit closest to the toilet and you'd shut up, right?
19:19I wouldn't tell a single soul I had IBS,
19:21are you mad I'd hold that shit in?
19:23LAUGHTER
19:26I wouldn't tell anybody I'm ill, like, are you mad?
19:28Like, I would lie at every given opportunity.
19:32Why were you in the toilet?
19:33Cocaine!
19:34Like, I mean, like...
19:35LAUGHTER
19:36I would rather you thought I was a Class A drug addict
19:41than somebody that could poo myself when I sneeze, right?
19:43LAUGHTER
19:47Everybody has to have a label these days, right?
19:49Well, you know, everyone's like,
19:50oh, I've got anxiety, I've got ADHD, I'm neurodiverse, I'm...
19:55..I'm the...
19:56Do you know what it is?
19:57Somewhere along the line, someone made oppression look cool,
20:01and now everybody wants a piece of it, right?
20:03And I blame X Factor.
20:04Remember back in the day, it used to have all those sob stories?
20:07LAUGHTER
20:08It did, but you know the sob stories at the beginning,
20:10when it first started?
20:11It was, like, real sob stories, innit?
20:13It was, like, a single mum had beat cancer three times,
20:16and she was like, I want to sing Whitney Houston.
20:17You were like, do whatever you like, bruv, like, just...
20:21Nowadays, you watch a TV programme about cleaning,
20:23it's a dad there going, yeah, it's really hard to clean,
20:26being a single dad, having a gluten intolerance.
20:28It's like, bruv...
20:29LAUGHTER
20:36Everyone has to have a label.
20:37What happened to just being a bit weird?
20:39LAUGHTER
20:40Do you remember that one?
20:41Like, why has he got his coat on indoors?
20:43I don't know, it's a bit weird, innit?
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45LAUGHTER
20:46APPLAUSE
20:47LAUGHTER
20:52It was...
20:53It was lovely, right?
20:55Why is he, like, faxing pictures of his cock?
20:57I don't know, he likes it!
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59You made jokes about him, and he felt included.
21:03Nah.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05Now you just go, how are the trains, Rick?
21:07And they're like, oh, did you know Rick's on the spectrum
21:09and you're in a HR meeting?
21:10It's like...
21:11LAUGHTER
21:12LAUGHTER
21:14It's a tough time, though.
21:15It's a tough world to live in right now, man.
21:17It's a tough world for young people to live in as well.
21:19You've got, er...
21:20You've got the rise of the far right, as they say.
21:22There's flags going up everywhere.
21:23Like, do you lot...
21:24Do you lot think the flags are racist?
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27I don't know.
21:28I don't know.
21:29Right.
21:30No, I don't know.
21:31It's not putting up the flags that's racist.
21:32It's what you do when you're putting up the flags that are racist.
21:35Cos I associate the flag with Euro 96, innit, right?
21:38That's...
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40No, I do.
21:41Whenever I see the St George's flag,
21:42I just hear three lions on a shirt, right?
21:44That's...
21:45That's what I hear, right?
21:46That's...
21:47No, it is!
21:48It is, obviously.
21:49CHEERING
21:50It's not the flag that's the issue,
21:52it's what you do when you're putting up the flag.
21:54If you're shouting,
21:55get the hell home,
21:56eh, maybe it's the marketing.
21:58LAUGHTER
22:00That's your problem, right?
22:02If they started playing Wonderwall
22:04and gave out sandwiches,
22:05we'd be like,
22:06oh, what a lovely community event, right?
22:08LAUGHTER
22:11That's why everybody loves a Jamaican flag,
22:13cos when you see a Jamaican flag,
22:14there's always music playing in the background.
22:17Right?
22:18Just out of nowhere,
22:19you're a chicken,
22:20they take you on a sensory experience.
22:22Before you know it,
22:23you're watching the Olympics going,
22:24I want Jamaica to do well, yeah.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:33St George's flag, though,
22:34it's a great one for a racist, though.
22:35It's a great one.
22:36Easy.
22:37Two lines.
22:38Whoop, whoop!
22:40You could be stark drunk, right?
22:43And you could still draw that, right?
22:45Imagine being a Welsh nationalist, like...
22:47LAUGHTER
22:48LAUGHTER
22:52Do you know what I mean?
22:53APPLAUSE
22:55How do you draw a dragon?
22:57Off by heart.
22:59That is a four-man job, at least.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03You need four people to carry the tins of paint,
23:05you need an art degree.
23:07And even if you do get the dragon up,
23:09there's going to be people walking by going,
23:10oh, my God, Chinese New Year.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:13APPLAUSE
23:22LAUGHTER
23:25Do you know what, like, the...
23:26That thing about the flag really makes me laugh, right?
23:28Because, uh...
23:29They put up the flag everywhere.
23:31They put it up...
23:32I've been up and down the motorway recently, right?
23:33I've been up and down the motorway,
23:34seen the flag everywhere.
23:35And when you ask people these questions,
23:36the ones they put it up,
23:37they're like,
23:38oh, yeah, we're putting it up
23:39so immigrants know...
23:41where they stand, right?
23:44Like, they're trying to put immigrants off coming here
23:46by putting the flag.
23:47But I don't know about you guys, right?
23:48Listen, if I was risking my life
23:50to come over here on a boat
23:52to travel 21 miles on a dinghy,
23:55if I saw the England flag,
23:57I'd just be happy I made it.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:01Do you know what I mean?
24:07I'd be...
24:08I'd be there like,
24:09Mahmood, look, we made it!
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12It's England!
24:13What?
24:14If you really want to stop the boats,
24:16there's a great plan.
24:17Right.
24:19If you really want to stop the boats,
24:21just line Dover with French flags.
24:23Right?
24:24LAUGHTER
24:27What do you see?
24:32Line the whole place with French flags,
24:34start giving out Eiffel Tower key rings, right?
24:39They'd be like, again?
24:40What the hell?
24:41LAUGHTER
24:46Confused the hell out of them.
24:48It would stop the boats in a week.
24:50Right?
24:51LAUGHTER
24:53It's a terrifying time, man.
24:54It's a terrifying time.
24:55The whole world's in disarray.
24:56You know, people...
24:57People moaning about Donald Trump.
24:59Any Donald Trump fans in here?
25:01LAUGHTER
25:03Two guys over there
25:05forgot they weren't on Facebook.
25:06Oh, yeah.
25:07LAUGHTER
25:08No, no, I think like the rest of these lot.
25:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:11I've not got a massive opinion on Donald Trump, right?
25:15I just do find it funny when people go,
25:17I can't believe he said that.
25:21I'm like, I can.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:24He's 78.
25:25Let's put a camera in front of your grandad.
25:27Let's see how progressive he is.
25:28LAUGHTER
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31I'm going to be a bigot.
25:36LAUGHTER
25:38I know I'm going to be a bigot.
25:40I've already started planning it, right?
25:42But I'm going to be a bigot to the machines, right?
25:45Yeah, I know.
25:46I'm going to be a bigot to, like, AI.
25:48I can't wait.
25:49I'm already thinking of slurs to call them.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:52Code monkeys.
25:53Rusties, right?
25:55No, cos...
25:56I hate the robots already, right?
25:58That's why I don't have one of those smart speakers.
26:01It's like bringing an enemy into your own home, right?
26:03LAUGHTER
26:04Those things record everything you say, bro.
26:06You think they don't?
26:07One day you're going to be singing along to your favourite rap song
26:09and it's going to be, like, record the part
26:11where you said the N-word by accident.
26:13And it's like, do you want me to post this?
26:15No, no, no, no, no!
26:17LAUGHTER
26:19I'm going to be a bigot to them, man.
26:20I can imagine one day in the future
26:22I'm going to be playing with my future kids.
26:24Alexa's playing music in the background, right?
26:26I'll be like, shut up, Alexa.
26:29My kids are going to be like, Daddy!
26:31Cos I'm going to have middle-class children, right?
26:34LAUGHTER
26:36Daddy, you mustn't say that.
26:40I'm like, why not?
26:42It's got feelings.
26:44I'm like, no, it doesn't, it's a machine.
26:46And then I'm there on TikTok doing an apology video.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:51I apologise to the AI community.
26:54I wasn't aware of your struggle.
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57I'll do better in future.
26:59LAUGHTER
27:01It is a tough one, man, it is a tough one with racism.
27:04We had our own race riots last year as well, right?
27:07Football season ended, you know, there was that month.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:12What are you going to do, innit?
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15It was terrifying, right?
27:17Cos for the first time in about 25 years, I got racially abused, right?
27:21And that's when I knew racism had gone too far, you know?
27:23It's like, it's affecting me now. Stop it.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:30Everybody could just shut up now, right?
27:32You had your fun, right?
27:33No, I did, I got racially abused in South London,
27:36straight up my road, I got racially abused.
27:38And this is when I knew racism had gone too far, right?
27:40I got racially abused...
27:42..by an Irish man.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:45Do you know how bad racism has to get for the Irish to get involved?
27:48It's like, bro, what happened?
27:50You lot used to be on the signs as well.
27:52LAUGHTER
27:54We can't use bins in Canary Wharf cos of your lot.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:59I love the Irish!
28:02APPLAUSE
28:04I thought we were on the same team.
28:06This guy was out shouting racist abuse at every black and brown person
28:09that was going by.
28:10He was, like, shouting the N-word and the P-word.
28:12He's like, look at you, you.
28:13Look at you, you.
28:14And then he saw me and he's like, look at you.
28:16LAUGHTER
28:19What the flip are you?
28:21LAUGHTER
28:22That could be anything you want me to be, sir.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:26I watched the racism turn into homophobia really quickly.
28:29LAUGHTER
28:31I was watching those marches with a lot of interest.
28:33I was watching them with a lot of interest, right?
28:35You've got to do a bit of self-reflection sometimes.
28:37I was like, why am I not racist, right?
28:39LAUGHTER
28:41You know, you've got to ask that question sometimes, right?
28:44And, like, you know, obvious reasons, but, like...
28:46LAUGHTER
28:47I was like, why am I not marching with these guys?
28:50And I was looking at them, right, and all of them,
28:52they're, like, shouting, oh, let's get our country back.
28:54And I was like...
28:55Get your hairline back first, innit?
28:57LAUGHTER
28:59No, honestly, like...
29:01Cos that's when I realised why, like, I couldn't be raped,
29:03cos they're way too ugly...
29:05LAUGHTER
29:07..for me to believe them, innit?
29:08If you want to tell me you're better than me,
29:09you better be sexy, innit, right?
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12No, cos I don't believe a word ugly people say in general, right?
29:15Like, as a rule, I don't believe ugly people, right?
29:18Like, that's why I didn't believe in climate change for years, right?
29:21LAUGHTER
29:22I'm serious, right?
29:23Like, they used to get these scientists on TV, like,
29:26at the rate the world is heating up, I was like...
29:29Oh, shut up, Specky!
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32Get back in the lab!
29:35As soon as they got Angelina Jolie to speak about it,
29:37I was like, clean out these yoghurt pots, this is important.
29:40LAUGHTER
29:46All I'm saying is, right, like,
29:48they need someone sexy, right?
29:50They need someone sexy to be racist,
29:51and then I'll believe them.
29:53Cos if you want to say you're better than me,
29:55you better be beautiful.
29:56Oh, my God, you better be gorgeous, right?
29:58If David Beckham came out tomorrow as racist,
30:01I'm joining in, right?
30:03LAUGHTER
30:04Honestly, if he's there on Instagram one day, like,
30:06well, me and Victoria have been thinking...
30:09LAUGHTER
30:12..it's time to get our country back.
30:14LAUGHTER
30:15I'll be there, like, mum, pack your bags,
30:16it's time to go, let's go.
30:18Ladies and gentlemen, my name's Kay Curd,
30:19enjoy the rest of your night out of the NCAA.
30:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:27And give me Kaka!
30:32So, ladies and gentlemen,
30:33I'm going to bring another act on.
30:34Are you ready?
30:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:36Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together!
30:40Go wild!
30:41Go crazy!
30:42For the amazing...
30:44Miss...
30:45Louis...
30:46Ian!
30:48Ian!
30:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:52Ah!
30:53Hello, everyone!
30:54Hello!
30:55Oh, my God, this is crazy.
30:56Thank you so much for having us.
30:57This is amazing.
30:58I've done a few gigs down south this week.
30:59Whenever I'm down south, I do have this...
31:01I have this awareness that I have to slow this accent down.
31:03The Geordie accent, it's peculiar on people's ears.
31:04And I realise this because I met my friend's brother a while ago, right?
31:05My friend's German.
31:06And so is his brother.
31:07They're quite weird like that, Germans.
31:08Strange.
31:09And when I met him though, I thought,
31:10because I'm quite like...
31:11Oh, my God!
31:12Oh, my God!
31:13Oh, my God!
31:14Oh, my God!
31:15Oh, my God!
31:16Oh, my God!
31:17Oh, my God!
31:18Oh, my God!
31:19Oh, my God!
31:20Oh, my God!
31:21Oh, my God!
31:22Oh, my God!
31:23Oh, my God!
31:24Oh, my God!
31:25Oh, my God!
31:26Oh, my God!
31:27And so is his brother.
31:28They're quite weird like that to Germans.
31:30CR
31:39Oh, my God!
31:40I thought, cos I'm a friendly and open person,
31:41so I thought I was being nice and friendly and openob hustling,
31:42then when I left,
31:43then the situation,
31:44my friend's brother had said behind me back,
31:46My friend's brother had said behind me back,
31:50Your English friend.
31:51She's very nice.
31:52But why does she speak like a pirate?
31:55aware of that. I've always been kind of acutely aware of me working classness from a young age,
32:01right? And listen, this is a nice audience. I'll be vulnerable with yous. I've always been very
32:07aware of me working classness because when I was 12, I quit smoking. But genuinely as well,
32:20like for all the right reasons, like for the baby. Don't, don't applaud it. I shouldn't,
32:30I shouldn't perpetuate stereotypes like that. I haven't got, I haven't got any kids, right? And
32:35I remember because seriously, this job has saved my life, right? I used to be really,
32:40really off the rails, like really, really off the rails up until about a week ago.
32:46And no, but seriously, a few years ago, I was going crazy and like a big turning point
32:50in my life, right? One of me friends, she tried to stop us from going down a dark path.
32:54And she went, Louise, it's quite brutal this, but I know why she was doing it. She went, Louise,
32:58it's a good job. You haven't had any kids, because if you did, they'd be taken off you.
33:05And I was like, I know, I'm so sorry. I'm going to sort me life out. I'm so, so, so sorry. I will
33:09turn this around. I will. That's what I said. But I can remember very vividly at that moment in me
33:16head thinking, oh my God, there's a good chance that's actually happened,
33:20then I just can't remember. It was an intense time. But I've calmed myself down like quite a bit
33:27now. I'm a lot calmer these days, right? I live with my girlfriend, my fiance now.
33:33Thank you very much. Yes. What a bunch of gay lords.
33:38Thanks. But the thing is, like, it's mad being gay. It really is, right? I performed at a lesbian
33:44festival recently, right? And what a rowdy bunch we are. Like, really uncouth. Do you know what I
33:51mean? Like, but it was a good festival. It was really good. It was a big success as well.
33:55St John's ambulance ran out of finger splints.
34:03It was, it was wonderful. What an experience.
34:08I, no, I don't live in Newcastle anymore, right? I went back to see me family
34:12this summer at a family barbecue, and me auntie, me great auntie came up to us,
34:17and she meant nothing by this. She's absolutely lush. But she come up to us and she went,
34:21oh, hello, pet. Are you back, are you? Oh, I've missed you. And I've been thinking about you loads
34:27at the minute, with the women's football being on. Thank you. And then I have to have more confidence
34:37in myself sometimes. Like, sometimes where it counts, I don't have confidence, right? And I
34:41realise this. If I'm on a date and I get into a taxi with my girlfriend, and if I get the slightest
34:47feeling the taxi driver is a little bit homophobic, right? And I shouldn't do this, but I do. I'll say
34:52to my girlfriend, listen, don't hold me hand. Don't put your arm around us. Don't, don't be affectionate.
34:58Just don't. Yes. I know how that, like, I know how that sounds. I know it sounds quite harsh of me.
35:04It sounds quite weird. It sounds, it sounds pathetic. It sounds weak of me. But, like,
35:09I need you to understand, like, from my perspective, I feel like I almost have to kind of, like, protect
35:17me Uber rating.
35:18It's just hard being gay sometimes. Listen, I've covered the kind of Geordie thing, right? But I'm
35:28actually, I'm technically half Turkish, half Geordie, right? That's a bit of a weird combination.
35:33The thing is, though, I haven't been to Turkey loads in my life, right? So I'm technically just,
35:37like, culturally very Geordie. But I've got a couple of Turkish behaviours that have, like,
35:41hung on in the DNA, right? I love to haggle. I love to barter for a price. Like, I'm in a bazaar
35:47at all times. I love it. But I'm shit at it, right? Because I'm too British. I'm too polite.
35:51I don't get stuck in the way you're supposed to get stuck in. And I realised this, right,
35:55on a holiday with my cousin. I bought something from a stall. And I was so excited to show her
36:00what I'd bought. And she was stood there. I'll never forget this. She was, like, shaking her head,
36:05like, really angry at me. And she went, you know what's happened there, don't you? And I was like,
36:10what? These were her words. She went, underneath, they've seen your English money,
36:16and they've taken you for a ride. I remember feeling so... I felt mortified. I felt so
36:23culturally stupid, so foolish. Because we're in this little place called, um... It's not Abu Dhabi,
36:29and I always go to call it Abu Dhabi. It's Abu... Don't say I've forgotten the name tonight
36:34of all night. Guys, I'm not kidding. Oh, God. No, don't help us. Sorry. Aberdeen.
36:43Got yous. I bloody got yous. You thought the Geordie had fucked up there, didn't you? That was great.
36:52Whatever you are in life, right, you're going to have stereotypes thrown at you, aren't you? And, um,
36:58I've realised, right, and I don't care, but the stereotype that I often get if I say I'm Turkish,
37:02right, and I don't care, I don't care what people say, right, but this is often what I've got to feel. So I say I'm Turkish,
37:08and someone will go, argh, you've got to watch Turkish men. Oh, you've got to watch Turkish men.
37:14My cousin, she went to Turkey, she's got blonde hair, blue eyes, they wouldn't leave her alone.
37:20Right? And whatever, it doesn't usually bother us, right? It doesn't, but it did upset us
37:25a few months ago, because it was like, it was around like a dinner table,
37:29and I felt very trapped, and everyone was kind of laughing, and it felt horrible.
37:32And my girlfriend was sat next to us, and my girlfriend's got blonde hair, blue eyes,
37:38and I was quite startled, and I had to say something, and I was like, oh, my God,
37:44I'm just like the rest of them. This is terrible.
37:50I do feel as though I'm trying to sort myself out and everything. I'm getting to that age where
37:54a lot of people around us are having kids and stuff like that. You might know people like this,
37:58right? My best friend's become a mother, and I'm so proud of her. She's so good at it. She's just
38:03taken to motherhood, like, so well. And she was the worst party girl than me, so I'm even more proud
38:08of her, right? And she was saying, and not everyone's going to feel like this, but she was like, Louise,
38:13there's no feeling like being a parent. This is amazing. Waking up and seeing me baby. I love it.
38:20It's better than any drink, any drug, any line, any pill. I thought, oh, my God.
38:29Even if you don't agree with that, just think about that on a chemical level.
38:33If that's how amazing parenting can just naturally feel to some people,
38:41imagine how good parenting must feel on drugs.
38:44So I'm looking forward to that. That would be great. Give me a chair if you've been to Newcastle
38:52upon time before. Most of you. Give me a chair if you've not been. That was the same people
38:59chairing twice there for something to do, wasn't it? Because I try and... I don't... I think Newcastle's
39:04quite a risky place to live, right, if you are susceptible to madness, because it's such a party city,
39:10right? And so there's a TV moment that happened in Newcastle upon time, where I'm from, and it sums
39:17up the place so beautifully. So just let me paint this picture for you, because it's one of my favourite
39:21TV moments of all time, right? And so the clip is on a documentary called Booze Britain. You know where
39:29I'm going with this. You're not stupid. So it's obviously a documentary about how people in the UK
39:34drink too much. It was on about 15 years ago, and they're going around Newcastle for one of the episodes,
39:39right? And they get talking on the street. It's like a fly on the wall type thing. And they get
39:44talking on the street to this woman called Debbie, okay? And they're like, Debbie, are you having a
39:49good night out? And as you can imagine, Debbie, I'm having a fucking wicked night out. Thank you.
39:56She's off her tits, bless her heart, right? And so what they do on the documentary is they make
40:00Debbie do a breathalyser, right? I know it was very unethical. It was 10 years ago, 15 years ago,
40:07before anyone cared about anyone's feelings, right? So they make Debbie do a breathalyser,
40:12they take a reading and then they show the camera, right? And on the next scene of this documentary,
40:19you see Debbie, she's dancing around on the table. She's trying to rip her top off.
40:23She's going insane. She's having a genuinely wonderful night out. She's letting go, right?
40:27But at that precise moment, the voiceover on the documentary just goes,
40:33Debbie may be feeling in the party spirit,
40:39but medically, she has enough alcohol in her bloodstream to be in a potentially fatal coma.
40:45But welcome to my home. Because screw the coma, Debbie did the Macarena.
40:53It was wonderful. You know, a lot of it, right? I was thinking about this,
40:57a lot of comedians will harm up how crazy they are, like, for comedic effect. I don't want you
41:04to think that I would ever do that, right? And I've got kind of proof of how insane I used to be,
41:08right? So I was doing a comedy club in the North East and Gaza, Paul Gascoigne was in the audience.
41:15Do we all know who Gaza is? If anyone doesn't know, very, very quickly, right, he was a
41:21Geordie footballer in the 90s, issues with drinking drugs, really mad life,
41:26once tried to save an assassin with a fishing rod. That is true, right? So he's in the audience,
41:32right? And I was quite a new comedian, so I'm doing it. I was doing a lot of jokes about going off the
41:36rails and how mental I was. This is how I know my life must have been objectively ridiculous.
41:43When I got off stage, Gaza, Paul Gascoigne, ran up to us, this is true, he gave us a massive big hug
41:50and he went, oh, Louise, it's like we've had the same life. That's when you know your life's been
42:02friggin' shambolic. When Gaza is relating to a seriously deep level, it's like we've had the
42:08same life, me and you. But he's not wrong, I'm not taking the piss, like I said, you know,
42:13when I played for England, that was great. Oh, no, but when he became a Turkish lesbian,
42:19that was outrageous. When he did that, wasn't it. I'm going to leave you with this,
42:24this last joke, it's a philosophical joke, it's more for you to kind of ponder on the way home this
42:30evening, right, just let this marinade in your heads. So, erm, this blew my mind, this. So,
42:35statistically, some taxi drivers will be serial killers, so have a lovely evening, and...
42:42Right, I've been Luisa, and you've been wonderful, thanks for having us, good night, cheers!
42:48Yes, yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen! Luisa!
42:52Well, Apollo, thank you so, so much for coming out tonight, it's been an incredible lineup,
42:59but tonight is the Luisa, the character, our bigger host, Tom Davis, Apollo, out!
43:14Thank you so much for coming out of this year, here, you would
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