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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Election Wipe, a programme all about the campaign
00:25that's been happening. A campaign that's included things like this.
00:29The news has been calling it the most unpredictable election in decades.
00:33This election could be one of the most unpredictable.
00:35In one of the most unpredictable elections.
00:37Entirely unpredictable.
00:39The most unpredictable election.
00:40Unpredictable.
00:41This is the most unpredictable election.
00:43I knew they were going to say that.
00:45In a tight contest, politicians have been targeting specific groups.
00:48Cameron went after the Sikhs while Miliband courted the Hendoos.
00:52But there was an awkward moment when Cameron forgot which football team he's claimed to support since childhood
00:57and was Aston vilified.
00:59Of course I'd rather you supported West Ham.
01:01And grave scenes for Miliband as a photo op turned into a literally monumental PR gaffe.
01:09With many predicting a hung parliament, Nick Clegg prepares to fulfil a vital role as a tough pub quiz question of the future.
01:15And biased BBC lackey Evan Davis subjected Nigel Farage to needlessly tough questions.
01:22Did you see the Paddington Bear movie last year?
01:24No.
01:25The election is incredibly close.
01:27In fact, it's tomorrow morning.
01:28But we start here.
01:30The 2015 general election campaign has lasted about a month, although it feels far longer.
01:35If you could vote to make it stop, you probably would.
01:38Actually, that's sort of what's going to happen.
01:40Before the campaign had even begun, all eyes were on Prime Minister David Cameron,
01:44who'd said this would be his last election.
01:46And things were already fractious.
01:48Critics accused him of being a chicken who was trying to avoid a live TV debate with a man he'd spent five years debating on live TV.
01:55Of course, Cameron's a dab hand at avoidance strategy thanks to his odd habit of abruptly walking out of shop
02:00before reporters can ask any questions he might not want to answer.
02:03Right now, the key thing is getting everything done that we can in the next few hours
02:08to protect as many homes and communities as possible.
02:10Once the army's gone...
02:11OK. Thank you, Prime Minister.
02:13That was... that was David Cameron there.
02:16But there was nowhere to run during Cameron versus Miliband,
02:19the battle for number ten, the desolation of Smaug, to give it its full title.
02:23Despite being billed as a kind of boxing match, the two men weren't actually going head-to-head.
02:27Instead, Cameron underwent a terrorising from establishment psychopath Jeremy Paxman,
02:32who opened with a characteristic ice maker.
02:34David Cameron, do you know how many food banks there were in this country when you came to power?
02:39Oh, good. It's a quiz.
02:40There were 66 when you came to power. There are now 421.
02:45Sounds bad, but on the plus side, Britain's abject desperation industry is booming.
02:50We changed the rules. The previous government didn't allow job centres to advertise the existence of food banks.
02:56They thought it would be bad PR.
02:58Yeah, they're not allowed to advertise nooses for much of the same reason.
03:01Next, Silver Fox torture chamber Paxman cornered the PM on zero-hours contracts,
03:05and Cameron tried to wriggle out with a zero-content answer.
03:08I am saying there are 700,000 people on zero-hours contracts. Could you live on one?
03:14Look, as I said, some people... Could you live on one?
03:17I want to create a country where more people have the opportunity of the full-time work that they want.
03:23Could you live on a zero-hours contract?
03:25That's not the question. The question is...
03:28Well, it's the question I'm asking. Paxman won't settle for that, no.
03:31He'll smack you round the chops with an anecdote.
03:33A colleague of mine this morning spoke to a man in the north-east, Patrick.
03:37He walks four hours to and from work.
03:41When he gets there, he doesn't know whether he's on for one hour or two hours,
03:45or if he's lucky, longer, and then he has to walk home again.
03:48To be fair, he does work as a shoe-tester.
03:51Once Cameron was dispensed with, it was the turn of Play-Doh IT manager and Labour leader Ed Miliband.
03:57The general sense of anticipation for Miliband couldn't have been much lower.
04:00In fact, provided he didn't weep or defecate live on air, he'd be doing better than expected.
04:04To date, the most inspiring public appearance Miliband had ever made was this one earlier this year,
04:09where he was applauded for saying,
04:10Oh, stirring stuff.
04:18And even that soaring rhetoric wasn't enough to counter the general image of him
04:21as a spod and a dweeb and a weed and a nerd and a spod again.
04:24Many said it was hard to imagine him standing in front of number 10,
04:27even when they saw him standing in front of a number 10.
04:30Before meeting Paxo, he faced the public, where it quickly became apparent
04:33this was a new Miliband we were seeing, one giving off the sort of relaxed, cheerful assurance
04:38that can only be battered into you by hours of intensive coaching.
04:41He was smiling, standing casually with his legs apart
04:44and one hand in his pocket like a trendy teacher
04:46and scuttling to his lectern and coming back out again
04:48like a robotic hoover that needs to recharge.
04:51And he didn't seem too fazed when punters he couldn't locate
04:53asked him tricky questions about his brother David.
04:56Hi, over here.
04:57Oh, hi.
04:58Do you not think that your brother would have done a better job?
05:03He thinks it's hilarious.
05:05It's not fair to say he stabbed his brother in the back.
05:07I mean, look, he did it to his face.
05:09But next it was time for the blood sports to commence
05:11as Paxman the Impaler came at him with a blunt instrument.
05:14Ed Miliband, do you think Britain is full?
05:18In terms of immigration?
05:19No, in terms of pudding.
05:20There were testy exchanges between the pair of them,
05:22although Miliband, rather than letting Paxo rip him a new one as expected,
05:26fought back, even mustering the odd zinger.
05:28You don't get to decide the election results six weeks before the general election.
05:31You're important, Jeremy, but not that important.
05:33It's the British people.
05:34I don't want...
05:35It's the British people.
05:36I don't want to decide.
05:37No, come on.
05:38Picked by this, Jezzo resorted to some shaggy dog gags of his own.
05:41A bloke on the tube said to me last week...
05:43Bullshit!
05:44Ed Miliband goes into a room with Vladimir Putin.
05:48The door is closed.
05:49Two minutes later, the door is opened again
05:51and Vladimir Putin is standing there smiling
05:53and Ed Miliband is all over the floor in pieces.
05:56That'd never happen.
05:57Vladimir Putin can't smile.
05:59You understand what the point is here?
06:01The point is people think you're just not tough enough.
06:03Well, let me tell you, right?
06:05Let me tell you.
06:06OK?
06:07Come on.
06:08Let me tell you.
06:09Oh, it's all right, Ed.
06:10They're not laughing at you.
06:11They're just laughing over you.
06:13Quick, knock them dead with a sound bite.
06:15Am I tough enough?
06:16Tough enough?
06:17Hell yes, I'm tough enough.
06:18Oh, God, I think I just ruptured my cringing pipes.
06:22Worse was to come and as Miliband kept fighting his corner,
06:25Paxman readied the death blow.
06:27Newspapers can write what they like.
06:28The bloke on the tube can say what he likes.
06:30I don't care because I care about the British people
06:32and what happens to them.
06:34The thing is...
06:39They see you as a North London geek.
06:42They see you as a North London geek.
06:44Wait a minute.
06:45How did we get here?
06:46Surely the relationship between politicians and TV wasn't always this overtly hostile,
06:50was it?
06:51Answer?
06:52No.
06:53Way back yonder, television was seen as a novelty,
06:55a sort of high-tech variety club with little relevance to politicians
06:58who expected deferential treatment and got it.
07:01So now, Mr Eden, with your very considerable experience of foreign affairs, it's quite obvious that I should start by asking you something about the international situation today, or perhaps you would prefer to talk about home. When should it be?
07:13How did this cosy relationship change when the launch of ITV heralded ITN News, which ripped up the establishment rulebook on political reporting and made a star of the abrasive Robin Day?
07:22Will you please get out of the way of my camera?
07:24In 1958, Day interviewed Prime Minister and footballer Harold Macmillan and asked him a question which seems mild by today's standards, but at the time was seen as outrageous.
07:32How do you feel, Prime Minister, about criticism which has been made in the last few days, in conservative newspapers particularly, of Mr Selwyn Lloyd, the Foreign Secretary?
07:41It caused an outcry but set the tone for less deferential times to come.
07:44In the 1960s, the Profumo scandal tarnished the public view of politicians and the concurrent TV satire boom made them wider targets for mockery.
07:52The power balance between TV and politicians was shifting and some political figures seemed openly affronted by the change in tone.
07:59To try and turn it into a party issue is really beyond belief and contempt.
08:04Do you feel that those who have spoken out, the bishops, the times and so on, have tried to turn it into a party issue?
08:09I think you have. Thank you, Lord.
08:11Politicians gradually learned to accept that what you said on TV wasn't as important as the way you came across, and as a result, they became more polished.
08:19Confronted by slicker opponents, the interviewers were forced to up their game to try and unsettle them.
08:23In Robin Day's case, that meant becoming even more abrasive.
08:26But why should the public on this issue, as regards the future of the Royal Navy, believe you, a transient here-to-day, and if I may say so, gone-to-morrow politician, rather than a senior officer of many years?
08:38I saw him.
08:39I saw him.
08:40I saw him.
08:41I saw him.
08:42I saw him.
08:43It's ridiculous.
08:44Thank you, Mr Mark.
08:45And as interviewers got more aggressive, politicians got more evasive.
08:47I was entitled to be consulted.
08:48Did you threaten to overrule him?
08:49I was not entitled to instruct Derek Lewis.
08:52Did you threaten to overrule him?
08:54The truth of the matter is that I did not...
08:56You threatened to overrule him?
08:57I did not overrule Derek Lewis.
08:58Did you threaten to overrule him?
08:59I took advice.
09:01As the two frustrated sides repeatedly locked horns, the relationship grew ever more competitive and sour.
09:07What on earth are you talking about? Do you want to address the question or not?
09:10Let me finish.
09:11You called me an attack dog, because I've got a Glasgow accent, and I find that-
09:16It's nothing to do with having a Glasgow accent.
09:18Well-
09:19If you've mentioned anything about a Glasgow accent, can we get on to the substance?
09:22Yes, if you stop insulting people.
09:24Eventually, almost all political interviews came to resemble two people trapped in a loveless marriage,
09:29bickering on their way home from a shit dinner party.
09:31I'm fed up with you telling me what I think.
09:33I don't care what you're fed up with.
09:34I don't care what you're fed up with.
09:35And this year's election coverage hasn't been any less frosty.
09:38In the real world, Andrew, where I live, okay, unlike where you live and many other people-
09:42You have no idea where I live. Just answer the question.
09:45In the real world, where I live, I'm-
09:47London geek.
09:48And that brings us back to where we were.
09:50London geek.
09:51They see you as a North London geek.
09:55Who cares?
09:57Of course, MPs are used to getting a rough ride on TV, which they also will incidentally throughout this show,
10:02because for the sake of even-handedness, I've got to be horrible about all of them.
10:05So if I call David Cameron a boob, I have to call Ed Miliband a boob.
10:08And Nick Clegg a boob.
10:10And Nigel Farage a boob.
10:11And Natalie Bennett a boob.
10:12And Nicola Sturgeon a boob.
10:14And Leanne Wood a boob.
10:15And this kitten a boob.
10:16And myself a boob.
10:17Even though I'm a prick.
10:18That's how balance works.
10:20Meanwhile, the contenders had begun heaping insults on each other,
10:23as an emboldened Miliband launched the Labour campaign and took the opportunity to lay into Cameron.
10:28What did we see last night?
10:30We saw a rattled Prime Minister running from his record.
10:34Yes, and round that ragged record the rattled rascal ran.
10:37Faced with this cockier Miliband, Cameron responded by striking a statesmanlike pose as Parliament was dissolved.
10:42I've just had an audience with Her Majesty the Queen.
10:45Yeah, well I've just had a twix, so who's the f***ing winner here?
10:48The next Prime Minister walking through that door will be me or Ed Miliband.
10:53And having posed that cliffhanger, he then answered it by being the next Prime Minister to walk through that door.
10:58So far the focus had been on Cameron and Miliband, but we no longer live in a two-party system or a three-party system or even a system.
11:05We may well be heading for a hung parliament, but how would that work?
11:08Well here to make some sense of it is Philomena Kunk.
11:11Over to you Philomena.
11:15I'm in a sort of PlayStation House of Commons which you can see and I can't because it's all green where I am.
11:22This election is important for politicians because if they lose, they get hung.
11:27And it's all about winning seats which is weird because as you can see they're actually benches.
11:33The important bit is that white dotted finish line down there.
11:37Basically when the votes come in, they sit in rows like a school photo until there's enough of them to go over that line.
11:44So if the Tories do brilliantly or breed and make loads of new blue flavour MPs, it might look like this.
11:52See the benches are filling up with blue stuff like a tenner lady pad.
11:55In this case, they've got 335s worth which means they flood over the line and they've won Britain.
12:03But what would happen if Labour did sort of okay but not as good as that?
12:09See that's not enough to get them over the winning line and apparently they're not allowed to just shuffle along,
12:14sort of spacing their bums apart along the benches so they are over the line.
12:19Instead they have to borrow MPs off other parties.
12:23So say the nicked 25 Liberal Democrats.
12:27That's something but not enough.
12:30So they might have to get some SNP people in like they've promised they definitely won't.
12:35And that does take them over the line.
12:38And the SNP and Lib Dem colours are so similar they'd probably get on.
12:43The Tories and UKIP don't want that to happen but the ones who'd be most angry are the Greens.
12:49Because the benches were green to start with before all the other colours came in.
12:53So they were winning by 100% and now they've been left with fuck all.
12:59But that's democracy.
13:01Anyway, it doesn't matter what happens in here.
13:03It's outside in Great England Kingdom where the politics actually happens.
13:08And apparently if I do this with my arms, I'm outside now.
13:13Has it happened?
13:15Has it happened yet?
13:17Has it happened? Has it?
13:19OK.
13:21Just nod next time.
13:23So I'm standing outside on Britain but it's not real Britain, it's sort of jigsaw Britain.
13:29Oh, I can see it on the monitor.
13:31It's like being Godzilla or that illegal weatherman.
13:35I don't want to fall over the edge, I'll just take a few steps forward.
13:39Anyway, what happens next is some column tower things come up out of the ground.
13:45Which is exactly what happened in the 2010 election.
13:50These columns aren't really there.
13:52Although it looks like they are there because I've walked behind them.
13:56So this is basically like the Matrix.
13:58It's mental.
14:00And there's also this one which is more sort of glassy and fragile and has numbers everywhere.
14:06And as you can see, there's literally no point trying to make any sense of it.
14:10It's that complicated.
14:12Anyway, that's all with the graphics.
14:14So it's back to you, Mr. Brooker, if you can hear me from wherever you are.
14:19Thank you, Philomena.
14:21Well, as you can see, it's quite complex.
14:23So to help you make up your mind, there were some multi-party debates.
14:26Ow!
14:27Shit, my arm!
14:28Sorry.
14:29Seven party leaders go face to face live in the ITV leaders debate.
14:35The seven-way ITV mega-debate was essentially a colourful reboot of Borgen,
14:40presided over by Julie Etchingham dressed in the style of someone about to extol the virtues of Oral-B pro-enamel.
14:45All the familiar suspects were present.
14:47Eddie Milbank, C-Leg, Admiral Ackbar and Davcam2000,
14:50situated near the exit in case he felt the urge to abruptly walk out of shot, as per usual.
14:55But there were also three comparatively new faces, female faces, that belonged to women.
15:00One such woman was Natalie Bennett, all the way from Sydney, representing the Green Party.
15:04Not sure how she got here from Australia. I hope she f***ing walked.
15:07We know we must take real action on climate change. The biggest threat facing us all.
15:15Other parties trade in fear. Fear of immigrants demonising people on benefits.
15:22To be fair, you just told me to be scared of weather. Then there was Leigh-Anne Wood from Plaid Cymru.
15:27Prior to the debate, as Channel 4 News ably demonstrated, Leigh-Anne Wood wasn't very well known,
15:31even amongst the population of the Welsh town of Bangor.
15:34Do you know who that is? I haven't got a clue. I haven't got a clue.
15:37Erm... No.
15:40An actress?
15:41But now, here she was on primetime TV, her specialist subject mentioning Wales.
15:46Plaid Cymru can win for Wales, but we can only do that with your support.
15:52I'm asking you to support Plaid Cymru, the party of Wales, to make our communities in Wales as strong as they can be.
16:02In Wales?
16:03Please support Plaid Cymru to make Plaid Cymru Wales' voice in Westminster.
16:09And Wales.
16:11Finally, there was the SNP's nice mum from a sensible biscuit commercial, Nicola Sturgeon,
16:16a woman trapped in a forced marriage she temporarily has to pretend is tolerable.
16:20My message to people watching in England, Wales and Northern Ireland is one of friendship.
16:25The sort of friendship you treasure so much you want to annul it.
16:28Many remarked that the format resembled a game show, but it actually felt like seven game shows all happening at once.
16:34Specifically, Total Wipeout, Pointless, Blankety Blank, Robot Wars, Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old,
16:40The Great British Breakup and The Immigration Game.
16:43The debate certainly helped potential voters make up their minds by providing a much needed platform in which differing political views could be aired clearly and coherently and all at the same time.
16:52No immigration.
16:53I want to come back on that.
16:54No choice.
16:55This is the second time.
16:57Thank you, Nigel Farage.
16:58Thank you, Derek Cameron.
16:59This is the second time in this debate.
17:00Can I answer the Syria question?
17:01Yeah, I want to come back.
17:02I want to come back to Derek.
17:03Thank you, David Cameron.
17:04Well that settles it.
17:05One person who made a splash was Nigel Farage.
17:07One of the best bits was when Nigel Fridge pointed out how much it costs when foreign people come over here with HIV smuggled inside them.
17:15There are 7,000 diagnoses in this country every year for people who are HIV positive.
17:21It's not a good place for any of them to be, I know.
17:24But 60% of them are not British nationals.
17:28It got a sort of negative response, but I don't think he went far enough.
17:32I mean, foreign HIV people are expensive, but I bet asylum seekers with cancer cost even more of the bastards.
17:40And that Pakistani school girl who got shot in the head by the Taliban.
17:44Shitload of surgery she got out of us.
17:46How much did that cost?
17:48She didn't even offer to pay it back.
17:50She's too busy swanning around the world giving speeches to the UN.
17:54Jammy cow.
17:56Hmm, immigration is one of the key issues of this election.
17:59As the news has made clear everyone's talking about it.
18:02Can you put your hand up if you think that immigration is the most important issue here?
18:09The news strives to present a balanced take on immigration at all times,
18:13which often leads to bland and uniform coverage.
18:15That's the problem with immigration reports, they all look the same.
18:18And here to prove it is generic reporter Emily Surname with every news report on immigration ever.
18:23A beef eater, afternoon tea, the white cliffs of Dover.
18:29All iconic and easy to locate in the archive.
18:33Perhaps that's why they've all come to symbolise traditional Britain.
18:37But modern Britain isn't just about what Wikipedia describes as a section of coastline composed
18:43of plates of calcium carbonate.
18:45That's why I'm walking down a busy street amongst people of varied cultural backgrounds
18:50while appearing slightly detached and talking like I'm narrating a nature programme.
18:55Immigration didn't start with these West Indian immigrants in the 1950s,
18:59but since these are the earliest pictures available, TV reports on immigration sometimes do.
19:06There's also this sort of footage which is rather edgy and bleak.
19:10So let's quickly mix through to something nice happening.
19:13Although obviously it's only nice if you're not a racist.
19:16Fast forward to the present and you get this sort of thing nowadays.
19:20A niqab, a Polish shop, Chinatown, someone Welsh, a robot.
19:27By and large they co-exist harmoniously, but there can be tensions.
19:32Tensions that can run high.
19:35These builders might have come from Eastern Europe or from Chichester.
19:40It's impossible to tell without asking them, which I don't have time to do
19:44because I'm about to mix through into an impressionistic montage
19:48overlaid with data too dull to take in.
19:51After that, shots of a man I'll pause with faint amusement before introducing...
19:56Nigel Farage.
19:58This is Nigel Farage drinking a pint of beer.
20:15David Cameron isn't drinking a pint of beer in this shot.
20:18Instead he's walking and looking serious.
20:21Ed Miliband seems happier in this shot, in which he also isn't drinking a pint of beer.
20:27These men are drinking a pint of beer and this one looks more stereotypical than the other,
20:32so I'll ask his opinion.
20:34Because ultimately there's too many of them, there's just too many.
20:36I mean we can't even be English anymore, there's no point.
20:39Despite my patronising nodding, not everyone agrees.
20:43Something I'm going to illustrate for balance.
20:45Although I'll pick a white person to do it, so you don't think they've got a vested interest.
20:50Well I just think anyone who talks about immigration as being blatantly racist.
20:55While some just don't know what to think.
20:58Yeah, I don't know what to think to be honest.
21:00Whatever your views on immigration, there's no denying it's been mentioned during this campaign.
21:05And whenever it's mentioned, people are talking about it.
21:09In my case, talking without expressing any opinion, because that's balance.
21:14And once this link's finished, and the camera's off, I'll find a coffee shop toilet to have a shit in, and then go home.
21:23Emily's surname, election wipe television.
21:26A lot of politicians don't want to talk about immigration until they're safely in their own car.
21:31In 2010, Gordon Brown pissed on his campaign chips by loftily dismissing a voter who'd raised the issue.
21:36She's just a sort of bigoted woman.
21:38You might not like this, but he said, what a disaster.
21:41Who got me to talk to that woman?
21:43She's a bigot. Or words to that effect.
21:45And we want to know your response to that.
21:47You're joking.
21:48When you think that was bad, he even did a sarky-zieg-heil as he got in his car.
21:52One politician determined to confront the issue is Nigel Farage, seen here failing to notice the TARDIS materialising in front of him.
21:59Farage has succeeded in placing immigration at the forefront of the national conversation, partly by mentioning it at every possible opportunity.
22:06Like the time he said he'd been late for an event because the M4 was jammed with immigrants.
22:09Well, it took me six hours and fifteen minutes in the car to get here.
22:12It should have taken three and a half to four.
22:14That has nothing to do with professionalism.
22:17What it does have to do with is a country in which the population is going through the roof, chiefly because of open door immigration and the fact that the M4 is not as navigable as it used to be.
22:27UKIP have won over many voters who feel other parties pussyfoot around immigration thanks to political correctness.
22:32Although, of course, one drawback with unapologetically tackling that sort of topic is you're often called upon to apologise.
22:38Somewhere, somehow, somebody in UKIP has made a very major error.
22:42This is our fault. It's the party's fault. Hands up.
22:44If I gave the impression in that interview that I was discriminating against Romanians, then I apologise certainly for that.
22:51UKIP leader Nigel Farage apologises in person to the Thai woman described as a ting-tong by one of his MEPs.
22:58But, you know, mega, mega apologists.
23:02Love or loathe Farage, he's a character. And having character is like gold dust to politicians. That's why they go out of their way to fake it.
23:09There's a phenomenon in robotics known as the uncanny valley, the point at which a bot looks human but not human enough to be anything other than eerie.
23:16And that effectively describes how many feel about the bulk of contemporary politicians, that there's a whiff of the bland uncanny valley about them.
23:23By comparison, Farage is full of life. Coffing a pint, guffawing, wearing his trademark coat, checking the white cliffs of Dover is still there.
23:30The combination of a big issue and a big personality has made UKIP a big deal, although their campaign hasn't always gone to plan.
23:36There were awkward poster reveals, a UKIP pledge card, which is simple and informative, but let's be frank, it's clearly too big to carry in your pocket.
23:43And there were protests, which meant on one occasion Farage had to smuggle himself into his own event. A bit like an illegal immigrant.
23:49His driver saw these people, went round the side, and Mr Farage went in that entrance.
23:54And he had to answer questions about the polls. But do you know something? I'm not sure I take these polls very seriously. They're all over the shop.
24:01Yeah, but they don't call it a shop. They call it a polsky sklep.
24:04Throughout this campaign, there was talk of a sturgeon surge, turning the SNP leader into a sort of tartan Kardashian.
24:10posing for so many selfies, she must have appeared on more phones than Doodle Jump. You remember Doodle Jump?
24:16This was good news for the SNP and anyone with a warehouse full of spare I agree with Nick merchandise that had been knocking around since 2010,
24:23which could be easily updated with a minimum of effort.
24:26Yes, last time we had a general election, Nick Clegg was Nicola Sturgeon, so to speak.
24:30Back then, he seemed different, refreshing. One of us, not one of them.
24:34I believe it's time to do things differently. I believe it's time for fairness in Britain.
24:39I believe it's time for promises to be kept.
24:43Should have promised to break some promises, then he'd have been fine.
24:46But then came the blunt reality of coalition and compromise and soon the Lib Dems broke their pledge on tuition fees,
24:51a development which led to a light outbreak of rioting and much personal derision for Clegg,
24:56the only man who seems to get less attractive the more power he gets.
24:58Soon Golden Boy was on TV with a new message that sounded like a sorrowful voicemail from a remorseful ex-boyfriend.
25:04There's no easy way to say this. We made a pledge, we didn't stick to it, and for that I am sorry.
25:11You're not promising you're sorry, are you?
25:13I will never again make a pledge unless as a party we are absolutely clear about how we can keep it.
25:20Hang on, did you just promise not to make a pledge? Because my logic glands can't f***ing handle this.
25:25Anyway, fast forward to now and the Lib Dems launch their manifesto in a trendy art space.
25:30This time around it contains no rash promises, which doesn't sound very promising.
25:34They are making claims about eliminating the deficit and splashing money on the NHS,
25:38but the Lib Dems' chief pledge, okay, promise, is to provide stability.
25:42Someone is going to hold the balance of power on the 8th of May, and it won't be David Cameron or Ed Miliband.
25:48But it could be...
25:50Keira Knightley?
25:51Nigel Farage?
25:52Close enough.
25:53It could be...
25:55Mr Bump?
25:56Alex Salmond?
25:57A bit more likely, I suppose.
25:59Or it could be me and the Liberal Democrats.
26:03Oh. Can I have Mr Bump again?
26:06What the Lib Dems are chiefly offering is a chance to temper the other party's extremes.
26:10There'll be the blob of sour cream that cools the hot chilli,
26:13the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down, the lube on the broom handle.
26:18Every Liberal Democrat MP makes Labour's reckless borrowing less likely.
26:23Every Liberal Democrat MP makes George Osborne's ideological cuts less likely.
26:28No likey, no likely.
26:30The Liberal Democrats will add a heart to a Conservative government
26:34and a brain to a Labour one.
26:36And a prick to either of them.
26:38The question really is whether voters will think the Lib Dem pledge to counter extremity is a tepid offer
26:42or a shrewd and useful one given the uncertain game of political pinball we're facing.
26:46And of course it depends on whether some voters can overcome their bitterness with Clegg himself.
26:50I'm a university lecturer. I've lost a lot of good students thanks to Nick Clegg.
26:55I'd be burns in hell personally.
26:57I think you'll find as a Liberal Democrat he'll actually make hell less hot.
27:01Speaking of hot, smouldering Ed Miliband was busy drawing battle lines by announcing a clampdown on non-doms.
27:07The next Labour government will abolish the non-dom rule.
27:10Of course one danger of clamping down on ultra-rich non-doms is the country might lose money
27:15if some of them go and live abroad like they're already pretending to.
27:18By highlighting non-doms, Miliband was trying to paint the Conservatives as a party of privileged elitists,
27:23something he probably learned to do while growing up in Primrose Hill, or Oxford University,
27:27or the London School of Economics, or Harvard, or the Treasury.
27:31But while Labour wanted to discuss the mega-rich, the Tories were fixated on mega-death
27:35in the form of the Trident nuclear programme.
27:37Trident apparently helps keep Britain safe in the way only a terrifying arsenal of devastating nuclear warheads
27:42that could be fired in anger or error at a moment's notice can.
27:45It's kept up in Scotland, because that's closer to Moscow than London is,
27:49so if we had to nuke Russia, the missiles would have less distance to fly,
27:52which is good for the environment. I'm surprised the Greens are against it.
27:55The SNP are also against renewing Trident.
27:57They'd prefer to spend the money on something more useful, like a giant white flag.
28:01Labour want to keep Trident, but the Tories said Ed couldn't be trusted with it.
28:05We've already seen with Mr Miliband that he'll do anything to get into power.
28:08We saw that when he fought his own brother for the leadership.
28:11Still a contradictory picture of Miliband was emerging from his critics.
28:14On the one hand, he was a nerdy weakling. On the other, a backstabbing ladies' man.
28:18I haven't found a villain this hard to understand since Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.
28:22But a curious thing happened. Rather than wondering whether Miliband was fit to lead,
28:26people began wondering whether he was just fit.
28:28Yes, somehow, he was blossoming into an unlikely sex symbol.
28:31I mean, he'd been used to women turning their backs on him,
28:34but now they were doing it because they wanted a selfie.
28:36Selfie! Selfie! Selfie! Selfie!
28:38And when fans weren't posing for Eddie Grahams,
28:40they were photoshopping him into wank bank scenarios courtesy of the Miliband fandom.
28:44So at the very moment, the Tories were saying,
28:46do you really want this man to have his finger on that all-important red button?
28:50Lots of women were saying, yeah.
28:52The danger now for Diddy Cambo was that continued attacks on Miliband's character
28:56could make people see him as the leader of the nasty party,
28:59an image he'd do almost anything to neutralise.
29:02Now, bizarrely, the Prime Minister said he's taken an Easter break from campaigning today
29:08to try his hand at suckling orphan baby lambs.
29:13Oh, that little face. Oh, I just want to nuzzle in there for a great big cuddle
29:17as soon as he puts down that revolting lamb.
29:19Still, it's authentic. Cameron loves animals. Lambs, chickens, cows.
29:23Look, here he is meeting a load of them down his local beast's mausoleum
29:27for a publicity stunt on the Beeb.
29:29I like the flies because they're very juicy.
29:32You're talking about the chicken or the butcher?
29:34So is David your most famous customer?
29:36No, certainly not. There are plenty around here.
29:39Mr Clarkson, I expect, pops in from time to time, doesn't he?
29:42Yeah, but Clarkson drops by after they've shut,
29:44demanding a steak and threatening to punch an underling.
29:46Underlining his support for the animal kingdom,
29:48Big Dave C also blithely stood by as creatures were publicly barbecued
29:52at this photo op, which was meant to make him look like a regular guy
29:55until he was pictured eating a hot dog with a knife and fork.
29:58Christ, and you think that's posh? He eats crisps with a spoon.
30:01Meanwhile, George Osborne was out highlighting the economy
30:04and donning the garb of the regular working man.
30:07Osborne's almost always in high-vis these days.
30:09Look, there he goes, helping to load boxes onto a lorry.
30:11That's it, take a heavy one. Cheers, mate!
30:13Here he is in high-vis in a bottling plant.
30:16Here he is touring a building site.
30:18Here he is checking out some very important plans.
30:20Here he is operating a digger.
30:22Here he is breaking into the vault of the Hatton Garden Safe Deposit Company.
30:25Hang on a minute, I thought the Tories were quite well-to-do.
30:28What would they need to rob a vault for?
30:30David Cameron promised an extra £8 billion a year
30:33for the health service in England by 2020,
30:35saying the money would come from a strong economy under a Tory government.
30:39Jesus. No wonder George couldn't tell Andrew Marr how they were going to pay for that.
30:43You've just found an extra £8 billion.
30:45All I'm asking is where does it come from?
30:47Well, in you...
30:48No higher taxes? Extra public spending cuts where?
30:51Well, it's part of our balanced plan.
30:53And if you look over the last five years...
30:54That's not really an answer.
30:55Well, it is, actually.
30:56About halfway through the campaign came the most exciting bit, manifesto week.
31:00First, Labour showed us theirs.
31:05The last Labour manifesto in 2010 showed a family enjoying a nuclear holocaust
31:09and wasn't a great success.
31:10But the 2015 offering focused on painstaking fiscal prudence,
31:14with a booklet so austere it even had a front cover a bit like a Tesco economy brand tin of tomatoes.
31:19In this topsy-turvy election, this was Labour's attempt to adopt the traditional Tory mantle of financial responsibility.
31:25And that might be a bit of an ask since, as this illuminating documentary footage makes supremely clear,
31:30both Ed Miliband and Ed Balls had served in Gordon Brown's treasury
31:34back when banks were free to swing from tars and fling their own shit around.
31:38Back then, Eddie Baby hung around behind Gordon Brown like an awkward teenage relative.
31:42Now he strutted to the stage to promise financial responsibility underpinned by his fiscal triple lock.
31:47A clear vow to protect our nation's finances. A triple lock of responsibility.
31:53Actually, that triple lock phrase seems sort of familiar.
31:56Maybe he swiped it off David Cameron, who used it back in 2007.
32:00So we propose a new triple lock on stability.
32:03Typical Labour, always borrowing.
32:05Next it was the Tories' turn. Their manifesto resembled an insurance document,
32:09but somehow even more boring.
32:11The bacon-faced Bullingdon Borg clonked into position in front of a backdrop
32:15designed to make him look like he was trapped in an inspirational poster
32:18and promised voters a good life.
32:20The next five years are about turning the good news in our economy
32:24into a good life for you and your family.
32:27Thereby evoking visions of the charming BBC sitcom of the same name.
32:31So presumably in Cameron's Britain you can look forward to a lifetime of scrabbling around in mud
32:35with pigs in the back of your garden while rich neighbours snoot down their noses at you.
32:39The big sexy policy announcement was a plan to give tenants in housing association properties
32:44the right to buy their homes.
32:45The next Conservative government will extend the right to buy
32:48to all housing association tenants in our country.
32:52Critics immediately claimed this would actually lead to fewer affordable homes.
32:56But look on the bright side.
32:57At the moment only the fortunate few are rich enough to buy houses, which isn't fair.
33:01But if we end up with fewer affordable homes then no one will be able to afford to buy houses,
33:05and that's a level playing field, which the homeless can build houses on.
33:08Cameron then finished with a little rhyme.
33:10Let us not go back to square one. Let us finish what we've begun.
33:15Oh, he's a poet and he doesn't know it. Because robots can't process poetry.
33:19Anyway, despite their differences all three of the trad parties were basically all trying to appeal to the little guy.
33:24The average schmo. Common people. Common f***ing people. F***ing people.
33:28That's who they want to represent. F***ing people.
33:31Yes, the Conservative Party. The real party of f***ing people in our country today.
33:41The future of our country does not simply come from a few at the top.
33:45It comes from every f***ing person in our country.
33:50We can say that we will cut taxes for millions of f***ing people because that's what we've done.
33:56Not when we only reward those with the six-figure bonuses, but when we reward the hard work of every f***ing person in our country.
34:05It means we can proudly say that this is the party of f***ing people.
34:12For millions of f***ers, not just the party of f***ing people, but us, the party of f***ing people.
34:18Oh, f***ing f***s.
34:25Thank you very much.
34:26Meanwhile, the Green Party, motivated by a cynical and ugly desire to safeguard humankind's very existence, launched their manifesto at an event in Hackney.
34:37Their planet-conscious to-do list wasn't available in Dead Tree format.
34:40Instead, it existed online, which is far more eco-friendly, because all you need to read it then is a factory-built computer and a constant supply of electricity.
34:47The Greens are concerned that, thanks to climate change, there soon might not be any clouds for them to keep their heads in, while the other parties protect their heads from environmental catastrophe by burying them in the sand.
34:57But at the Green Manifesto event, there almost seemed to be more discussion of economy than ecology.
35:02At the heart of this manifesto is a vision of a fair economy. That fair economy demands the end to austerity. It demands that we restore and enhance the essential public services that we all, but particularly the most vulnerable, need.
35:22Fascist!
35:23The Greens clearly believe they're the goodies, one of them even looks like Bill Oddy, but it turned out their financial plans haven't been thoroughly checked out.
35:30You haven't actually independently audited these figures at all.
35:33So, we have to work on the figures, using our own resources, and doing what we think is sensible.
35:38Yes, and some of what they think is sensible sounds like bloody good fun.
35:41Here's another vision that you've outlined in your manifesto, to free all caged farm animals, chickens and pigs, out of the cages, roaming around freely. That's going to kill big farm business, isn't it?
35:52Maybe, but on the plus side, it's a real winner for any hens that have registered to vote.
35:56Anyway, when Channel 4's Michael Crick hit the Hackney streets, he struggled to find people impressed with the green vision.
36:01They can afford to be idealistic because, you know, it's easy to kind of write a manifesto that's never actually going to come into practice, isn't it?
36:07All right, mate. Jesus Christ. Chill out.
36:09What do you think?
36:10The one thing this election didn't have enough of was debates. There were only about 60. How are you meant to make your mind up with that?
36:18The BBC did a debate, which was like the ITV one, but without Cameron and Clegg. I think they've been knocked out, so this was a bit like judges' houses week on X Factor, but with talking instead of singing.
36:29Instead of being in Simon Cowell's villa, it was in David Dimbleby's ballroom. What was nice was all the politicians had driven in on segways and parked them in a row.
36:37There were more women than men in the line-up, and they were all sort of left-leaning pacifist-y women, which was refreshing because it meant it didn't just collapse into a load of angry shouting.
36:48That privatised a large chunk of the house. No, it's not.
36:50But this is what you said. And you're lying. And you're lying.
36:53I believe it's what you said.
36:54You're going to come in now.
36:56Anyway, there was this bit where Nigel Farage said something about immigrants, and Nicola Sturgeon got cross. She said there shouldn't be any difference between immigrants and emigrants, starting with the way we pronounce them.
37:07We're a nation of emigrants as well as immigrants, and we should treat immigrants the way we would want emigrants from our country to be treated wherever they go to segway.
37:17Nigel Farage was there, and because the others were sort of liberal, he was kind of isolated on a little island all of his own, which you'd think he'd love.
37:26It meant he'd have to work really hard at winning over the crowd, which was probably why he didn't bother.
37:32There just seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel, and indeed amongst this audience, which is a remarkable audience, even by the left-wing standards of the BBC. I mean, this lot's pretty left-wing.
37:44Hang on, hang on a second.
37:45Afterwards, Farage continued to complain about left-wing bias on the BBC, and not just in that debate, but what he saw as bias on comedy shows.
37:52People think the BBC's biased, but that's only because a lot of the people who appear on it seem sort of left-leaning, and they say loads of liberal things, and sing liberal songs, and make liberal jokes.
38:01And to be fair to the Beeb, it balances all of them out by doing a documentary starring Hitler every now and then.
38:06Meanwhile, in debate land, heartthrob Miliband was in his element amongst the women. Natalie Bennett for the Greens signalled her interest, while Ed cockily rebuffed her with his face.
38:14We prepared to work with Ed on a vote-by-vote basis.
38:18Then Nicola Sturgeon offered him a full relationship, if he made a few changes.
38:22That's my odd offer to Ed Miliband. If he's prepared to be better than the Tories, then I'm prepared to work with him.
38:30Oh, you better shape up, cos she needs a man. And her heart is set on.
38:35I've got fundamental disagreements with you, Nicola.
38:37Oh, oh God, he's playing hard to get.
38:39Don't turn your back on that, Ed, and let David Cameron back into Downing Street.
38:43Oh no, Nicola, look, here's the situation.
38:45It's a bit like a rom-com, this, watching a couple bicker when you just know they're going to end up in bed together.
38:50Afterwards, the world was abuzz about potential romance betwixt Ed and Nicola.
38:54Everyone loves a will-they-won't-they story, and this was no exception.
38:57Lorraine Kelly asked Ed why he was being such a commitment-phobe.
39:00Why have you ruled that out? Why do you keep saying we're not going to do it?
39:02We've got fundamental differences.
39:04While Kay Burley prodded Nicola by telling her Ed's just not that into her.
39:07We heard from Mr Miliband, he made it clear that he's not interested.
39:11Meanwhile, stern parent David Cameron reckoned the faintest whiff of romance was bad news for everyone.
39:16It might be a match made in heaven for them, but it is a match made in hell for the British economy.
39:22The topic got camel toe so crotchety it even exacerbated his chronic walking away condition.
39:27There'd be a constitutional crisis and constitutional chaos, is what he said, and for once Gordon Brown was right.
39:35Where are you going? Come back and help if it's so f***ing serious.
39:38For centuries the English and the Scottish have been friendly neighbours, apart from the occasional massacre or ingrained indelible deeply held grudge.
39:47But recently that's gone a bit wonky.
39:50Last year they had this referendum to see if Scotland should become a real country like Alaska or Westeros.
39:56The Scotland fashionableists said it was a once in a lifetime never to be repeated chance, and then they lost.
40:03So now they want to do it again and again and again until everyone ticks the right box.
40:08Last year the SNP had a man called Alex Salmon, and everyone hated him because he was so popular.
40:14So this year Scotland sent a woman to do the elections.
40:17A few months ago no one had even heard of her, and now suddenly everyone was saying Nicola Sturgeon, Nicola Sturgeon, Nicola Sturgeon.
40:24Nicola Sturgeon.
40:25Nicola Sturgeon.
40:26Nicola Sturgeon.
40:27Nicola Sturgeon.
40:28Nicola Sturgeon.
40:29Nicola Sturgeon.
40:30Nicola Sturgeon.
40:31Nicola Sturgeon.
40:32Nicola Sturgeon.
40:33Nicola Sturgeon.
40:34Nicola Sturgeon.
40:35Nicola Sturgeon.
40:36Nicola Sturgeon.
40:37Nicola Sturgeon.
40:38Nicola Sturgeon.
40:39Nicola Sturgeon.
40:40Nicola Sturgeon.
40:41She was quite smiley, but then the papers started calling her the most dangerous woman in Britain.
40:46Like, more dangerous than Rose West or Cheryl Cole Fernandez or whoever.
40:51The one who beat up that toilet lady.
40:53There was this calm, measured press coverage that explained the whole thing could lead to the worst crisis for Britain since the abduction of King Edward.
41:01What they'd worked out, which was really scary, was that if the SNP and Labour got more seats than the Conservatives,
41:07they could form a government and carry out their policies, just because of this loophole they'd found, which is that that's how elections work.
41:17After all that talk about a clash of nations, it was time for something positive.
41:20And it came as David Cameron delivered an inspiring speech praising Britain's multicultural society.
41:25A world in which people of different races, religions, social backgrounds and sexual orientations can live in harmony,
41:31while an Eton-educated white millionaire tells us how great that is.
41:34But his inspiring message was somewhat drowned out by an awkward faux pas.
41:38Where you can support Man United, the Windies and Team GB all at the same time.
41:43Of course, I'd rather you supported West Ham.
41:48Yes, Cameron claimed to support West Ham, whereas he used to claim to support Aston Villa.
41:53When called on it, he explained quite simply what had happened.
41:55I'm a Villa fan. I don't know what happened to me. I must be overcome by something this morning.
42:02But there we are. These things sometimes happen when you're...
42:07Pretending to like Aston Villa?
42:08To be fair, I suppose forgetting which football team you've claimed to follow since childhood
42:12is one of those things that just slips your mind from time to time.
42:14Like what country you live in, or which end of your body you shit through.
42:18Cameron's football gaff was a rarity in what was a notably risk-averse campaign.
42:22Everything felt stiff and controlled and familiar.
42:25The leaders made like Disneyland mascots and posed with kiddywinks,
42:27or stood around pointing like finger salesmen.
42:30Ed Miliband took to standing behind a statesman-like lectern wherever he went.
42:35It was supposed to make him look outstanding in his field,
42:38even when he was just outstanding in a field.
42:40Almost all the leaders were regularly seen standing in front of sycophants
42:44holding placards like they were advertising a golf sale.
42:46But these enthusiastic space fillers are bussed in by the parties
42:50with the actual public kept at arm's length.
42:52The speech might have been at a university,
42:54but students were kept firmly outside the room.
42:57And the party publicity machines didn't appreciate the news pointing this out.
43:01How was this organised?
43:02It's part of society at university, it's a conservative future.
43:05Some of our young volunteers...
43:08Yeah, they're young volunteers, and we've asked them to speak to the media.
43:12Oh, why is that?
43:13I say we're not talking to the media.
43:15But you're here with your placards and giving visual support.
43:19Nigel Farage was one of the few leaders regularly pictured out and about
43:22actually meeting the public.
43:24That's because he's a man of the people, provided they're already here.
43:27Maybe the public were kept away from the others
43:28in case they embarrassed them, as they sometimes tend to do.
43:31For instance, here we see Labour's Tristram Hunt meeting a young future voter.
43:35Do you know who you'd vote for?
43:37Er, UKIP.
43:38You'd vote UKIP? Very good. Why's that?
43:41Er, like, get all the phones out of our country.
43:44Meanwhile, David Cameron got melodically abused
43:46by a ukulele-toting class warrior.
43:49Fuck off back to Etern with all your reach and chums.
43:53Fuck off back to Etern.
43:55Fuck off back to Etern.
43:57Journalists, too, generated several awkward moments.
44:00You're standing in front of a placard that says
44:02ban exploitative zero-hour contracts
44:05at an event set up by people who are on zero-hour contracts.
44:09Aren't you the hypocrite?
44:11I think we, er...
44:13But most of the time, everything was corralled and contained.
44:16It all led to complaints that the campaign was tired and boring.
44:18Cameron, in particular, came in for criticism,
44:20with some people saying he didn't seem hungry enough.
44:23So you know what he did?
44:24He rolled his bally sleeves up and he fought back
44:26and turned the air blue.
44:28And I want you to take that argument that Labour make
44:31and stick it where the sun don't shine.
44:33Yes, Cameron had been rebooted with the control key held down
44:36and now he was reinvigorated and a bit pink.
44:38And if I'm getting lively about it,
44:40it's because I feel bloody lively about it.
44:41That's the truth.
44:43Steady on, Dave.
44:44Taking a...
44:45Having a...
44:46Having a...
44:47That pumps me up.
44:48And it's got...
44:49Our country.
44:50Prime Minister, I feel like we're seeing your feistier side.
44:53Is this your...
44:54Yes response to critics
44:55who say you've not been passionate enough?
44:57I just say it as I see it.
44:59And I really feel...
45:01...passionate about this election.
45:02We've come so far.
45:03He's certainly showing them some spunk.
45:05These supporters were lapping up this pumped-up Prime Minister.
45:09Meanwhile, eyebrows were raised
45:10when a radical millionaire lady killer
45:12who's convinced many not to bother voting at all
45:15met Russell Brand.
45:16Just like one of Russell Brand's movies, this
45:18Get Him to the Geek.
45:19Sitting in Russell's one opulent kitchen
45:21with a tap so huge
45:22it looks like a piece of machinery from a milking shed,
45:25the two men crossed swords.
45:26Brand established his credentials
45:28by claiming little meaningful change had happened
45:30since women got the vote back in 1928.
45:32Since then, since suffrage,
45:34since the right of women to vote,
45:35what has meaningfully occurred?
45:38That's totally wrong.
45:39Go on, mate.
45:40Well, look.
45:40Workers' rights.
45:41The National Health Service.
45:43A minimum wage.
45:44Yeah, but apart from that
45:45and seeing us through World War II,
45:46what else?
45:47Miliband stood up for little political guys like him
45:49against the big Brand name,
45:51employing odd gestures and weird hand moves
45:53to underline his points.
45:54And it soon became apparent
45:55that Russell was rubbing off on Miliband.
45:57Not like that,
45:58but in the way he started dropping his T's
46:00and saying,
46:01God of this.
46:01First of all,
46:02you've got to do it internationally.
46:03Yeah.
46:04A God of that.
46:05And that is hard.
46:06You ask me, you've got to do it.
46:07It was God of awful.
46:08But it seemed Miliband had won Russell over.
46:10I think the fundamental problem with this country
46:12is that people think it's run for somebody else
46:14and the somebody else is probably somebody
46:16right at the top of society.
46:17They've got the access,
46:17the influence,
46:18the power,
46:19and it's not run for them.
46:20And that's what we've got to change.
46:21That is exactly it.
46:22That is exactly it.
46:23Sounds like he's won that vote,
46:25you don't believe in.
46:25But David Cameron didn't seem very impressed.
46:28Russell Brand's a joke, right?
46:29Ed Miliband,
46:30hang out with Russell Brand.
46:31He's a joke.
46:32This is not funny.
46:32I haven't got time to hang out with Russell Brand.
46:34This is more important.
46:35These are real people.
46:36Yes, Campbell Plops doesn't have time
46:38to hang out with Russell Brand.
46:39He's busy fielding questions from real people,
46:41like the real people he met
46:42in this enlightening interview for Heat magazine.
46:44So, first up,
46:46there's a young man called Joey Essex.
46:47Hi, David.
46:48It's Joey Essex here.
46:49What are you saying?
46:50I just want to ask you a quick question.
46:52If you had to be an animal for the day,
46:55or for a lifetime,
46:56what would you be?
46:57And why?
46:58Question mark.
47:00I think you ought to be something
47:01at the top of the food chain, I guess.
47:03What, like a human being?
47:04Dave also took questions
47:05from Alan Carr.
47:07What's your day?
47:08Is Alan Carr here?
47:09And Charlotte off Geordie Shore,
47:11who was having a shit.
47:12Oh, hi, Dave.
47:14Sorry you caught us
47:14in a really awkward time.
47:16I'm just on the toilet.
47:17Oh, I'd give that question
47:18ten minutes if I were you.
47:20Steph and Dom from Gogglebox.
47:22I love them.
47:23Hi.
47:24Hi there.
47:25Steph and Dom here from Gogglebox.
47:27And this is our question
47:28for the Prime Minister, David Cameron.
47:30Afterwards, Russell Brand
47:32made a glaring U-turn,
47:33endorsing first the Greens,
47:34then Labour, albeit a bit too late
47:36for any fans who'd torn up
47:37their voter registration cards
47:38for his approval.
47:39But what if everyone tore up
47:40their cards and nobody voted
47:41for anyone?
47:42What would that look like?
47:50The latest recount confirms
47:52no votes have been cast
47:54in this year's general election,
47:56leaving Russell Brand
47:57the default winner.
47:58Where is this called?
48:00Let me spread Harmony.
48:02This is Harmony
48:03and I make faith and hope.
48:05Hi.
48:06I'm going to take him
48:06for a cobra meeting
48:07if you catch me in sinuation.
48:09Erich Krishna.
48:11Promise me you're going to be
48:12in the NHS.
48:13Brand immediately appoints
48:14his cabinet.
48:15Kate Moss becomes Chancellor.
48:17Noel Fielding is Foreign Secretary.
48:19While the Minister for Culture
48:20is a photograph of Noam Chomsky
48:22stuck to the end of a broom.
48:23Britain's former MPs
48:26are settling into
48:26their new careers.
48:27What?
48:29Ed Miliband is now
48:30a delivery boy
48:31while George Osborne
48:32works in a garden centre.
48:34But Brand's
48:35unconventional shake-up
48:36is only just beginning.
48:38Prime Minister Brand
48:39today closed
48:40the London Stock Exchange
48:42and abolished money.
48:43We're no longer
48:44mentally caged
48:45by these capitalist
48:47sick notes,
48:48these illusory IOUs,
48:50these paper shits.
48:52Well, obviously,
48:53the abolition of money
48:54changed the face of the city.
48:56Banks shut down,
48:58buildings stood
48:58completely abandoned
49:00and without financial workers
49:01keeping the concrete dry
49:03by walking back and forth
49:04from their desks
49:05to sandwich shops
49:06and so on,
49:06the city quickly began
49:08to return to its natural state.
49:10Within a week,
49:10there was ivy
49:11completely covering
49:12the exterior of the gherkin,
49:14gazelles grazing
49:15on the former floor
49:16of the Stock Exchange.
49:17It was really all quite serene
49:18if you ignored
49:19the massive food riots
49:20taking place
49:21the length and breadth
49:22of the country.
49:24There seems to be
49:25no end to this rioting
49:26and, of course,
49:27there's nothing in the shops
49:28which is making
49:29the looters particularly angry.
49:31As Britain burns,
49:32Prime Minister Brand
49:33is otherwise engaged
49:34doing a press junket
49:35for getting to the Greek 2.
49:37An odyssey, if you will.
49:39No, Britain's on fire.
49:41What's that, mate?
49:44His promotional obligations complete,
49:46Brand heroically insists
49:48on watching footage
49:49of the rioters.
49:50Oh, that is beautiful.
49:54Inspired by their energy,
49:56he decides to join in.
49:57Come on!
50:00The rioting continues
50:02unabated for another 72 days.
50:0489% of the country
50:06is in ruins.
50:07Desperate officials
50:08arrange for a state visit
50:09from Vladimir Putin,
50:11who is offering the UK
50:12a bailout deal
50:13in exchange for leaving NATO
50:15and establishing a Soviet missile base.
50:17I'm going to go in there
50:18and appeal to him
50:19on a human level,
50:22see what his face does.
50:23Prime Minister!
50:24Prime Minister!
50:24Prime Minister!
50:25Prime Minister!
50:26Prime Minister!
50:26What, mate?
50:28Disaster strikes
50:29five minutes into the negotiations
50:31when Brand has sex
50:32with Putin's 23-year-old granddaughter
50:34in a corner of the room.
50:36Within hours,
50:37Putin flies home
50:38and orders
50:38an all-out nuclear attack
50:40on Great Britain.
50:42As missiles race
50:44towards a defenceless UK,
50:46Prime Minister Brand
50:47delivers a final address
50:48to the nation.
50:49Obviously,
50:50this nuclear attack
50:51ain't ideal.
50:53And I'm sorry
50:53that your kids
50:54are going to burn
50:54to death in your arms
50:55and all that.
50:56But,
50:57on the other hand,
50:59reality
50:59is just a construct.
51:02So,
51:02don't think of it
51:03as losing your existence,
51:05but gaining
51:06the ultimate freedom.
51:08Sayonara.
51:09Peace out.
51:11As the first warhead
51:12detonates over central London,
51:14the initial blast
51:15is drowned out
51:16by a collective sigh of relief
51:18from the population below.
51:20And then Brand's Britain
51:21is destroyed.
51:26TV loves to poke a mic
51:28at people
51:29and ask them
51:29what they think,
51:30although the results
51:31aren't always encouraging.
51:32For one thing,
51:33you sometimes get people
51:33who just don't care.
51:35Personally,
51:35I don't really want anymore.
51:37To be honest,
51:37I don't really know.
51:39I know nothing about politics.
51:40Completely wrong person
51:41to be asking about that.
51:42Okay,
51:42who are you going to vote for?
51:43Probably UK.
51:45Or don't know much.
51:46I think I'm in charge of
51:47the...
51:49The Labour Party, yes.
51:53The...
51:54The Podger?
51:55Who's in charge of the Podger?
51:56No, that's George...
51:57George Osborne.
51:58Which party's the same?
51:59Or don't know anything.
52:00Do you think manifestos
52:01are important these days
52:02or do you think
52:02that people already know
52:03what's going to happen?
52:04I really haven't got a clue
52:05what a manifesto is.
52:07Or you get people
52:08who hate all politicians.
52:10When I hear any politician's name,
52:12all that goes through my mind
52:13is rip off.
52:15Or you get people
52:15who don't make sense.
52:16My buttocks are smooth,
52:18my mind is clear.
52:19Vote UKIP.
52:20During the campaign,
52:21we have been hearing
52:21from voters across the UK
52:23who've been telling us
52:24what's important to them.
52:26Tonight,
52:26the views of a Manchester taxi driver.
52:28When TV's not out vox-popping,
52:30it's patronising people
52:31by making a little film
52:32all about what they think,
52:34thereby gaining a crucial insight
52:35into the real issues
52:36facing our nation.
52:37Potholes,
52:38they're a real big problem.
52:40I drive
52:41and I'm concentrating
52:42on missing a pothole.
52:43I don't want to ruin
52:44one of my tyres
52:45or do something
52:46to my suspension.
52:47So we need to sort the roads out,
52:49we need to sort the potholes out.
52:51The thoughts of Steve Raden there
52:52in Manchester.
52:54So far,
52:55the main leaders
52:55have chiefly been surrounded
52:56by supporters or celebrities.
52:58Basically,
52:58they've had less contact
52:59with the public
53:00than that nurse
53:00who got Ebola.
53:01But the last live TV event
53:02pitted them against
53:03a whole roomful of public.
53:05And it turned out
53:05the public
53:06flipping ate them.
53:07First Aston Villa denialist
53:08Cameron met a fan.
53:10I'm sorry,
53:10but I just think
53:11you're either deceiving
53:13the British public
53:13or you know exactly
53:15what you're going to do
53:16but you're refusing
53:17to give specifics.
53:18As the event went on,
53:19he started to perspire.
53:21Jesus Christ,
53:21he's sweating so much
53:22he looks like he's laminated.
53:24Next,
53:24besuited woodland creature
53:25Ed Meliband
53:26tried to win the crowd over
53:27by adapting his
53:28catchphrase
53:29into the much shorter
53:30W.
53:35Staring stuff.
53:36Under sustained hostile
53:37questioning,
53:38he gave this provocative answer.
53:39Do you accept
53:40that when Labour
53:42was last in power,
53:43it overspent?
53:44No, I don't.
53:45And I know you may not
53:46agree with that.
53:47Still, at least
53:48it couldn't get any worse
53:49until it did.
53:50And finally,
53:51Nick Clegg
53:51took the biggest faceful
53:52since your mum.
53:53I wondered if you've got
53:54plans for a new job
53:55after next week
53:55when you become
53:56unemployed and your party
53:57becomes an irrelevance.
53:58Charming.
53:59No, I don't.
54:01Democracy is clearly
54:02all the rage right now
54:03but what is democracy anyway?
54:05Well, here to examine it
54:06is Philomena Kunk
54:07with one of her moments
54:08of wonder.
54:23All of nature
54:26apart from maybe
54:27daisies and waterfalls
54:29is a brutal struggle
54:31for power.
54:33These horse monster things
54:36are using their wooden
54:37headsticks
54:38in a primal battle
54:39to decide which of them
54:41should be in charge.
54:43The winner
54:43will become king of the herd.
54:45The other
54:46will probably have to leave
54:48and find work
54:49as a different sort of animal.
54:50Unlike animals
54:53we don't have to fight
54:55to decide who's in charge.
54:57Instead
54:57we do a vote.
54:59A vote
55:00that would be pointless
55:01without something
55:02called
55:03democracy.
55:05Democracy
55:05was invented
55:06in ancient Greece
55:07by the ancient Greeks
55:09probably after a vote.
55:12It's hard to imagine
55:14that this was
55:15the beginning
55:15of democracy
55:16so to help you imagine
55:18we've got two actors
55:19in expensive costumes
55:21and some other people
55:22in trainers and sheets
55:24slightly out of focus.
55:27Just like other
55:28Greek inventions
55:29like thick yoghurt,
55:31sodomy
55:31and triangles
55:32democracy
55:34has taken the world
55:35by storm.
55:38Someone who didn't
55:40agree with democracy
55:41was Adolf Hitler.
55:43Hitler didn't have much
55:44to do with democracy
55:45at all
55:46but people do like
55:48watching documentaries
55:49about Hitler
55:49so we've put him in
55:51which is democratic
55:52which he'd hate.
55:55British democracy
55:56began in knights
55:57in armour times
55:58here at Runnymede
55:59which sounds
56:00worse than it is.
56:02Britain used to be ruled
56:03by a king or queen
56:04just like now
56:05except back then
56:06they were treated
56:07like a god
56:08rather than a slightly
56:10better version
56:11of someone off
56:11made in Chelsea.
56:12Royal behaviour
56:14was total shithouse
56:16until eventually
56:17the people rose up
56:19and made King John
56:20sign the Magma Carter.
56:22According to Google Translate
56:25Magma Carter
56:26is Latin
56:27for cardboard volcano.
56:29It was a sort of contract
56:31that granted everyone
56:32in Britain
56:32a democratic voice.
56:35Soon
56:35Britain had its own
56:37parliament
56:37which could stop
56:38the king doing
56:39what he wanted
56:40by a simple process
56:41of cutting his head off.
56:44Parliament remains here
56:45to this day
56:46in one of the world's
56:47most iconic buildings
56:49Big Ben House.
56:53To find out more
56:55about democracy
56:56I've got an expert
56:57here with me.
56:59Hello
56:59who are you?
57:00I'm Robert Hazel
57:01and I'm Professor of Government
57:03and the Constitution
57:04at University College London.
57:05What makes democracy
57:08a better way
57:09to pick a prime minister
57:11than just
57:12letting them
57:12take turns?
57:14I'm not sure
57:15how this alternative
57:16system would work
57:17where you say
57:17we let them
57:19take turns.
57:20Well if like
57:21one does like
57:22Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
57:23and then another
57:25Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
57:29And
57:29suppose
57:30we were running
57:31a company
57:32would you allow
57:33any stranger
57:34to be in charge of it
57:35for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
57:37and then a different person
57:39to be in charge
57:39Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
57:42That's not a sensible way
57:43to go about anything.
57:44What would happen
57:45if we voted
57:46to end democracy?
57:49How would we do that?
57:51Take a vote.
57:53And what would the vote say?
57:55I vote to end democracy.
57:57And what would we put
57:59in its place?
58:01I don't know.
58:02Well it wouldn't be
58:03a very sensible thing
58:04to end one system
58:06of government
58:06without knowing
58:08what system of government
58:09you're going to
58:10replace it with.
58:11It's like saying
58:12let's vote
58:14to leave our house
58:15without knowing
58:17where we're going
58:17to go and live next.
58:19No one's going
58:20to do that.
58:22I bet you're terrible
58:23to go on holiday with.
58:24Election Day
58:28is your chance
58:29to do democracy.
58:31You don't have to
58:32stand up and be counted.
58:33You can sit down
58:34and be ignored
58:35if you like
58:36because that's
58:37your democratic right.
58:39You can choose
58:40not to matter
58:41and that matters
58:43if you want it to.
58:45It's up to you.
58:46Next time
58:50on Moments of Wonder
58:51I'll be finding out
58:52how to get
58:53the noise
58:53out of plates.
58:59Well that's all
59:00we've got time for.
59:01Vote or don't.
59:02Until next time
59:02we meet
59:03go away.
59:07Well if you are
59:08going anywhere
59:08I vote you try
59:09BBC iPlayer
59:10where you can catch up
59:11on Jack D's
59:12election help desk.
59:13Or head to BBC3
59:14where a town
59:15of celebrities
59:15is in danger
59:16with killer new comedy
59:18Murder in Successville.
59:20Or here on BBC2
59:21full of fiendish lies
59:22QI is next.
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