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00:00:10You
00:00:58It's time tomorrow.
00:01:00We'll be sitting on our own desert island, son.
00:01:03We'll still be on a plane.
00:01:04Oh, yeah.
00:01:06D'aw.
00:01:09Come on, mate.
00:01:11Is it definite we've won, Dad?
00:01:13Yeah.
00:01:14Well, it's good as, son.
00:01:15It's good as.
00:01:43Oh, yeah.
00:01:52Oh
00:01:58Excuse me excuse me keep off of that. We just part out like we close for the night
00:02:16I'm dreaming about my summer holiday
00:02:29Hey Arlan, see if mum's got the tea on
00:02:33Get a kettle on mum
00:02:47See me chill, splashing all around my feet
00:02:55Flying high
00:02:59Looking down as the clouds and rain
00:03:07Mid blue sky
00:03:11Almost feel that they're on our way
00:03:16Crack on babe, it's today already
00:03:19Dad's winning us a dream holiday of a lifetime
00:03:21Oh come and give me a kiss little bob
00:03:24Tell me you love me
00:03:25I love you
00:03:26That's set off so I can get me beauty sleep
00:03:28Yeah you need it
00:03:30Cheeky
00:03:32Go away dad
00:03:33Get up Kate
00:03:35We're flying off to paradise
00:03:42Don't lose them little bob
00:03:43Have you ever been abroad before?
00:03:46No
00:03:50I was one of them blokes that would enter every competition going
00:03:54What I couldn't say in 12 words or less really wasn't worth saying
00:03:58But all we'd ever won was a giraffe shaped bath man
00:04:03But today, this day, I knew I'd won us the Atfield Recorder Dream Island Holiday competition
00:04:09I telephoned the editor you see when I got down to the last few and he told me today could
00:04:13be my lucky day
00:04:14Bollocks
00:04:19Bollocks
00:04:43Bollocks
00:04:44Bollocks
00:04:46Bollocks
00:04:48Bollocks
00:04:49Bollocks
00:04:51Bollocks
00:04:57Bollocks
00:05:20Bollocks
00:05:45Bollocks
00:05:46Bollocks
00:05:53Bollocks
00:06:17Bollocks
00:06:18Bollocks
00:06:21Bollocks
00:06:21Bollocks
00:06:47Bollocks
00:06:54Bollocks
00:07:16Bollocks
00:07:18Bollocks
00:07:46Bollocks
00:07:52Bollocks
00:07:57Bollocks
00:07:59Bollocks
00:08:15Bollocks
00:08:16Bollocks
00:08:19Bollocks
00:08:20Bollocks
00:08:24Bollocks
00:08:35Bollocks
00:08:36And what's an ISA?
00:08:39You need a check-up from the neck up, mate.
00:08:42Well, you know what? These people, you see, they don't want the likes of us staring out at their paper
00:08:46at them.
00:08:46It puts the punters off their breakfast. Everything's bollocks.
00:08:50Oh, is it? Oh, that's us, I suppose. Me.
00:08:53No, I've been wooed by this, babe.
00:08:55I know, but you can't keep...
00:08:57What?
00:08:58Well, all the time, all the time you're relying on winning things.
00:09:01I mean, it's when we win the Range Rover, when we win the Dream Kitchen, when we win the poxy
00:09:05quality garden furniture.
00:09:07That's all that's bollocks, Robert.
00:09:09Yeah, but I wanted to take you on a summer holiday.
00:09:11I know you did, baby, but you got down to the last few, and that's brilliant.
00:09:16Yeah, but the rest of the world are going to be off somewhere nice, and then what are we doing?
00:09:19We're stuck here.
00:09:25Here, we could always have a day out at Old Arlo, you know, that paddling pool park.
00:09:29Oh, yeah. If everyone else packing up their cars and summer her down out of here, I wanted to get
00:09:34us a bit of that, to feel like we were joining in.
00:09:36Dad, I think the baker might be ready, because the pan's on fire.
00:09:41God, it's such a good feeling when I woke up this morning.
00:09:43Of course, it would be lovely to win everything, but it ain't going to happen. These things don't.
00:09:47They do? Just to other fucking people, that's all.
00:10:04Are we having a lovely breakfast, family?
00:10:07Yeah.
00:10:07Of course we are, because we're beautiful.
00:10:11Oh, my God.
00:10:12Yuh-ha!
00:10:13Hi, ma'am.
00:10:14Howdy, stranger!
00:10:15Is he going to start, Ange?
00:10:16If he's going to start, I'll go home now.
00:10:18I come round because I saw the smoke from my ass.
00:10:20I thought you was on fire, scumbollocks!
00:10:24Oh, you're right, ma'am.
00:10:25Yeah.
00:10:25How many bags on you, Al?
00:10:26Yeah, 20p.
00:10:28I'm family.
00:10:29Yeah, frigging, yeah.
00:10:31You have to frigging remind me.
00:10:33Do you want to bake your sandwich, ma'am?
00:10:34Yeah, go on, then.
00:10:36Quid.
00:10:37It's my birthday tomorrow, now.
00:10:38Come round to help some people.
00:10:40It's my birthday tomorrow, now.
00:10:42She used to raise me from last year, so don't think you're going to get nothing.
00:10:45Scum!
00:10:47Scum!
00:10:48What are you doing?
00:10:49We've had enough!
00:10:50That's my fire, Ace!
00:10:51Why should we let you ruin our lives, eh?
00:10:53You can't live like civilised people!
00:10:55Oi, oi, oi.
00:10:56You say my family ain't civilised.
00:10:58Leave it, Dad.
00:10:59Glathing rubber!
00:11:00Well, you aren't civilised, are you?
00:11:02Look at you.
00:11:03You and even people.
00:11:04You're animals.
00:11:06You don't work.
00:11:07You ponch off the state.
00:11:09You claim every benefit that's going, and you're spending it on drink and drugs.
00:11:13You swear and fight and honor and get pregnant and flush your chain all the way.
00:11:19It's all hours of the night, and now you're starting fire.
00:11:22Turn your o's off.
00:11:24No!
00:11:24No, I ain't having it.
00:11:26Your family is everything that makes my country shit.
00:11:29You are the people we cross the road to avoid.
00:11:34That's right, mate.
00:11:35That's right.
00:11:36What a scum, huh?
00:11:38I'm sorry.
00:11:39We're everything this bad.
00:11:41So bad, nothing matters.
00:11:43I shoot you, you're just another body in a body bag.
00:11:46Where'd you get that gun from, Robert?
00:11:48Robert!
00:11:49I'm your worst nightmare.
00:11:51No.
00:11:52Please.
00:11:53Shit, Dave!
00:11:54Oh, Robert!
00:11:59What?
00:12:01What?
00:12:02I'm just looking after it for a mate, you know, doing a mate a favour.
00:12:05Doing a mate a favour?
00:12:06You're joking it, you Christ!
00:12:08What?
00:12:08I know what I'm doing.
00:12:09Jesus Hedge Christ!
00:12:11What mate?
00:12:13Just the mate, you know.
00:12:15Blood and sand.
00:12:16It's not loaded.
00:12:17It's not loaded, everybody.
00:12:18I ain't gonna tell Doug the mug that, am I?
00:12:20You take it back, right?
00:12:22As soon as you drop the kids off at school, you take that thing back.
00:12:24And you tell whoever, mate, to get someone else to do his dirty work.
00:12:43I've had enough of this, Robert.
00:12:45What?
00:12:46Everything.
00:12:50I've had enough of this.
00:13:03Yours was the best, Dad.
00:13:05Slogan.
00:13:07Yep.
00:13:08That holiday was ours, mate.
00:13:09We'd be mugged.
00:13:12Right.
00:13:13Go and get your shoes.
00:13:15The Velcro ones.
00:13:16I'm not spending all day doing up your laces.
00:13:23Take it back, Robert.
00:13:25Take it back now, please.
00:13:27What?
00:13:27What?
00:13:28Listen to it.
00:13:29The gun!
00:13:30I will.
00:13:32Chill out, Mum.
00:13:34Look, I mean it, Robert.
00:13:36You know, we're not that sort of...
00:13:38You're not that sort of person.
00:13:40Come here.
00:13:43It's all right.
00:13:49I know what I'm doing.
00:13:52You're not scum.
00:13:53I know.
00:13:55I don't want to be one of them families people cross the road to avoid.
00:14:05I love you.
00:14:24Yeah, the Navy and the Army wanted me to join.
00:14:27Wanted me to box for them.
00:14:29I've got a useful pair of fists on me, son.
00:14:31Dad, they had a thing at my school.
00:14:34My year.
00:14:35What thing?
00:14:36The kids ranked everyone.
00:14:38Put everyone in order.
00:14:41There's 97 kids in my year.
00:14:44And I come 97th.
00:14:47You've got the youngest kid in the year, Dad.
00:14:51Well, who made that up?
00:14:53Because that's the box.
00:14:53Mr Barker, my teacher.
00:14:55I've pinned the list up on the school notes.
00:14:56Well, there you go.
00:14:57Teachers.
00:14:58They'd be wanting another pay rise next.
00:15:00I mean, if they were any good at anything, they wouldn't be teachers, would they?
00:15:02Think about it.
00:15:03I know what I'm talking about.
00:15:04I keep thinking I'm the only kid in the world who can't do things.
00:15:09No, you've just got loose joints.
00:15:10That's all.
00:15:11That don't make you...
00:15:12Stupid.
00:15:13Exactly.
00:15:14Now, go on.
00:15:15And don't take no...
00:15:18You've got to toughen up a bit.
00:15:19I can't always be there for you, mate, when you...
00:15:22I can't stay at home with you today.
00:15:25It's the last day of town.
00:15:25We only got to watch a football match.
00:15:28Well, ain't you in the team?
00:15:29Yeah, right.
00:15:31I was captain of the football team.
00:15:33They're not going to choose me, are they?
00:15:36But you've got to fight back a bit.
00:15:37You know, look, stand up straight.
00:15:41Right?
00:15:41Walk like a man.
00:15:42Go on.
00:15:47That's it.
00:15:48Proper geezer.
00:16:00You all right, mate?
00:16:01Hi, Dad.
00:16:02I'm all right.
00:16:02I'm all right.
00:16:03You go off and get on.
00:16:05Come on.
00:16:0897th?
00:16:09I'll give these ugly shits 97th.
00:16:11I'm all right, Dad.
00:16:13Who's in your year here?
00:16:15I'm going to shoot them up.
00:16:16Please, Dad.
00:16:16It'll only make it worse.
00:16:23Look, look.
00:16:25Don't tell your mum, right?
00:16:27Look, we're planning a surprise party for you tomorrow.
00:16:30Why?
00:16:31Because it's your birthday, duck egg.
00:16:34You fancy coming to give us out with the organising?
00:16:36What?
00:16:37Bunk off?
00:16:40Never did me, no one.
00:16:43Can't I just, like, plug a cup?
00:16:45Come on, Dad.
00:16:51Come on, mate.
00:16:55I'll tell you the truth, I ain't got any mates either.
00:16:57But I've got me family and everything else is...
00:17:00Bullets?
00:17:01Exactly.
00:17:04Go and wait in the car.
00:17:05I won't be a sec.
00:17:06Where are you going?
00:17:08I'm going to go and tell them you've got a dentist appointment.
00:17:11Go on, it'll be all right.
00:17:18Bit kiddy, aren't they, Mr Barker?
00:17:20What?
00:17:21Them, big books.
00:17:23Um, they have big books and they have little books.
00:17:26No, that's fine.
00:17:27If you just scribble me a note for the register
00:17:29or an appointment card for the dentist, that'll be fine.
00:17:32I mean, how would you feel
00:17:34if your son was voted 97th?
00:17:36Eh?
00:17:41What's that, Mr Martin?
00:17:42I mean, was it you pin that list up on the notice board?
00:17:45I beg your pardon?
00:17:46I went to this school.
00:17:48And you teachers with your long holidays
00:17:50and your steaming mugs of tea
00:17:52and your nasty streak.
00:17:57One day,
00:17:59all you people,
00:18:01it make me feel that small.
00:18:06I'm going to be sorry.
00:18:09Back!
00:18:11Hint?
00:18:14Huh.
00:18:25Did that man have a gun?
00:18:27What?
00:18:28Did that man have a gun?
00:18:55Get this capital golden up, Sam.
00:18:581548.
00:18:59Lovely.
00:19:00Have some of that.
00:19:01Mike Osmond and the Naughty Boys, eh?
00:19:04I don't mind not having an entertainer.
00:19:07What?
00:19:08No, we're going to get us Mr. Marvel again.
00:19:10And once we've got him sorted, we're going to organise all your bouncy castle.
00:19:13You fancy a bit of that, little Bob?
00:19:14Eh?
00:19:16Remember Uncle Eric dancing on it naked after 14th Interstellar, eh?
00:19:20Yeah.
00:19:21We're going to do you a party and a half, mate.
00:19:23Show the world.
00:19:25What?
00:19:27Show the world.
00:19:28Ain't that enough?
00:19:41I used to sit on your bed for hours, you know, mate.
00:19:44What do you mean?
00:19:44Used to drive your mum nuts, I did.
00:19:46Said I wasn't letting you get to sleep.
00:19:49Chatting, you know, me and you.
00:19:52I didn't want to miss one second of you, you see.
00:19:56Am I a disappointment?
00:20:02I'm the only disappointment round here.
00:20:05Right, number 43.
00:20:07Can you see it anywhere, little Bob?
00:20:08His wife...
00:20:10Mrs. Marvel.
00:20:12Exactly.
00:20:13Said he's got a gig at number 43.
00:20:16God, blimey.
00:20:19Some fancy houses round here, ain't it, eh?
00:20:22I tell you what, I wouldn't mind being half a quid behind round here in the Wonga States.
00:20:28Ah, there he is.
00:20:29Lovely.
00:20:30Let's talk the talk to the chappy with the magic wand, eh?
00:20:43You all right, love?
00:20:44Just looking for Mr. Marvel.
00:20:45I'm a mate.
00:20:46Oh.
00:20:47Right.
00:20:48Do you want to...
00:20:49Come in.
00:20:49Lovely.
00:20:50Nice garden, my dear.
00:20:51He's got green fingers.
00:20:52Nothing to do with gardening, no?
00:20:58Here, look.
00:20:59Get them I might swell down your colour.
00:21:00You like them?
00:21:12What the fuck do you think you're doing?
00:21:13Don't you dare fucking dare come to where I'm working again, understand?
00:21:17I'm just going to put a bit of work your way for tomorrow.
00:21:20Aye, you still owe me from last year.
00:21:22B, doing a magic show for you and your drunkard, soapy fucking pikey brothers
00:21:27with a pile of inter-bred kids screaming where the fucking hell's the rabbit for 42 minutes
00:21:35was the lowest point in my fucking professional career.
00:21:38In fact, it was the fucking bastard, lowest point of my fucking life.
00:21:47So that's a definite no, then?
00:21:53Why is your dad one of the children's entertainer when he's already a fucking clown himself?
00:21:58Why is your dad one of the people who have?
00:22:01All right, jeez, Mr. Marble, please?
00:22:08Right.
00:22:10Right.
00:22:12That's it.
00:22:13I'm going to have him now.
00:22:14He's pissed me off.
00:22:15And I'm sorry.
00:22:16I'm going to have the results of it.
00:22:21Leave it, Dad. It's not worth it.
00:22:23I'm fed up. Leave it.
00:22:25Why should I leave it? I've been leaving it all me life.
00:22:28Please.
00:22:30Well, you ain't scared of him, are you, son?
00:22:32Cos I tell you what, I can take him to the cleaners any fucking day he cares to choose.
00:22:36Just let him think he was very good last year, that's all.
00:22:38Really? Did you?
00:22:41Well, I thought he was... I mean, ordinary.
00:22:44I mean, nothing more than ordinary, but I thought you liked him.
00:22:47I only said I liked him cos I thought you paid him and I didn't want you to get upset.
00:22:53Well, sod him, then.
00:22:55Eh? We'll get somebody better, somebody who can do balloons, eh?
00:22:57You fancy a bit of that, little Bob? Eh?
00:23:02You just lost yourself a client, mate!
00:23:12You've got nothing better to do.
00:23:13Oh, sorry. Sorry, sir.
00:23:16Just looking for a new car in the classifieds.
00:23:18Are you telling me you buy a second-hand car off someone from Hatfield?
00:23:21Good point.
00:23:23Thought you were supposed to be around school?
00:23:24Yeah. I'm just off there now.
00:23:27Hatfield Primary.
00:23:28Full of fucking liars and drug addicts these days.
00:23:31Never used to be like that in my day.
00:23:34So what's been occurring today?
00:23:37Some seven-year-old reckons he might have seen, but he's not sure, some man with a gun.
00:23:41Or what looked like a gun.
00:23:42But it could just as easy as being a mobile phone.
00:23:44All right.
00:23:51All right.
00:23:52Any smelly bastard, non-tripic traffic warden, starts to make himself busy.
00:23:55Sound of you when I come out shooting.
00:23:57Only joking.
00:24:05Look, he's in a meeting.
00:24:06The editor.
00:24:07He's in a meeting.
00:24:09Come off my desk, girl.
00:24:12All right.
00:24:12Don't look at me like I'm something you stood in on that day.
00:24:14What are you talking about?
00:24:15I've been having a bonfire.
00:24:16A barbecue.
00:24:18Did you give me my message from this morning?
00:24:51Are you the fucking rude knockcase?
00:24:53Be warm, mate.
00:24:54It is, isn't it?
00:24:56It's you who phoned up, giving it the fucking trap, leaving abusive messages.
00:24:59I recognise his voice.
00:25:00Yeah, all right, Mo.
00:25:02Are you from the rival Hatfield Gazette or something?
00:25:04No.
00:25:05Who the fuck do you think you are, you little smelly runt?
00:25:09Leaving abusive messages with my staff?
00:25:12But I've got a boner pit with you.
00:25:13Get out!
00:25:14Get out or you'll get a slap.
00:25:16Right.
00:25:16That's far enough, mate.
00:25:18I mean, so far, and that's far enough.
00:25:20No further, mate.
00:25:21Get on the floor.
00:25:22Now!
00:25:23You're the runt.
00:25:24You've riled me now.
00:25:25He's riled me now.
00:25:27Go on.
00:25:28Is that real?
00:25:29You want to suck it in C?
00:25:31Just do as he says, Mo.
00:25:33Yeah.
00:25:33Take the runt's advice, man.
00:25:34Do what I say.
00:25:35Who are you?
00:25:36What have I ever fucking done to you, mate?
00:25:39I just...
00:25:42I just wanted to ask you a question.
00:25:44That's all.
00:25:45But you ignored me.
00:25:47Put me on hold.
00:25:48Made me...
00:25:49Made me listen to the...
00:25:50The sultan's a swing.
00:25:51While you were lying, you was having a meeting.
00:25:53You ain't having a meeting.
00:25:55No.
00:25:56He's nothing in this room with you.
00:25:57You can't have a meeting on your tod!
00:26:01What do you want, exactly?
00:26:03Eh?
00:26:04What bone have you got to pick with me?
00:26:09I've been working out in the garden.
00:26:10That's the only reason I don't look the part.
00:26:13What part?
00:26:14God, you'd judge me differently, wouldn't you,
00:26:15if I was kitted out in a suit like yours.
00:26:17Listen.
00:26:18Just fuck off, mate.
00:26:20Yeah?
00:26:21Go.
00:26:22And there'll be nothing more said.
00:26:24Wait a minute.
00:26:25I've got a gun.
00:26:27If anyone's going to be told to fuck off,
00:26:29it's going to be me who's doing the telling.
00:26:30Now, you fuck off.
00:26:30Go on, get down there.
00:26:31And you.
00:26:31Go on, get down.
00:26:32I left here must have been, whoa, 1975.
00:26:36Oh, you must be about the same age.
00:26:38Robert Martin, you say?
00:26:39Mmm.
00:26:40Whoa.
00:26:42Must remember the smell of this place.
00:26:45Sorry.
00:26:46Um, I do remember a Robert Martin.
00:26:48There was something about him.
00:26:50Now, what was it?
00:26:50Oh, yeah.
00:26:51There's definitely something about Robert Martin.
00:26:54You wouldn't...
00:26:56Do you keep the old school reports, you know, from my day?
00:26:58God.
00:26:59I'd love to read what they wrote about me.
00:27:02Oh, sorry.
00:27:03Excuse me.
00:27:03PC 3805.
00:27:07So this man just walked in here off the street,
00:27:10waving his gun at you and stole your, um...
00:27:13Uh, my suit.
00:27:14Yeah.
00:27:15And it was definitely a gun.
00:27:17I mean, it couldn't have been a mobile phone, could it?
00:27:19I'm not gonna strip off of some tramp waving a mobile phone at me, am I?
00:27:22Yeah, all right, mate.
00:27:24I'm asking you a question.
00:27:26And you reckon you've never seen this bloke before?
00:27:28Do you seriously think I'd have made this up?
00:27:31Do you think I'm desperate for a headline or something,
00:27:33like there ain't enough shit going down in Hatfield?
00:27:36Oi, what happened at the school?
00:27:38Teachers, ill.
00:27:38I couldn't see the point in leaving him there with Sam Mappet.
00:27:41Katie's own, too.
00:27:42She said she felt...
00:27:43What's you got on?
00:27:44Huh?
00:27:45Bit of quality schmutter.
00:27:46What do you think?
00:27:47Well, where'd you get it?
00:27:48I'm afraid I'm not at Libby at DeVos, that sort of information.
00:27:51Oh, you haven't?
00:27:52Angie, everything's above board and looking rosy in the Martin Garden.
00:27:55Go and brush your head and gather the sperms.
00:27:56Come on, we're going out.
00:27:57Is it salted?
00:27:59What?
00:28:00You know what.
00:28:01Come on, get him and get ready.
00:28:04What do you look like?
00:28:05What?
00:28:06Sex bum, sex bum, you're my sex bum.
00:28:10Baby, you can turn me on.
00:28:12I will in a minute if you don't get your skates on.
00:28:15Ooh, you are sex on legs.
00:28:16Do you know that?
00:28:16Yeah, right.
00:28:18Sex on legs.
00:28:20I love you.
00:28:22Hey!
00:28:23Put it out there, will ya?
00:28:25You're like a dog with two dicks, you!
00:28:28No, mother.
00:28:29Oh, you have to run out.
00:28:31Oh!
00:28:32Hell yeah!
00:28:33I love you.
00:28:34I love you.
00:28:34Oh, you've been listening to us, we've been listening to you.
00:28:38Oh, you've been listening to us, we've been listening to you.
00:28:39Think of you talk rinocilists.
00:28:41Can't you if you can walk with the animals, talk with the animals.
00:28:47Can we get to walk with the animals and they can talk to us, where you're going?
00:28:54What's your dad like, eh?
00:28:56The best.
00:28:57Come here, Dougie.
00:28:58Have a bit of my ice cream. Do you want some?
00:29:00She's big enough for a pup.
00:29:02I mean, they don't take some looking after.
00:29:04Oh, come on. It's what a boy wants. It's his birthday.
00:29:07Shut it, Mum.
00:29:08What's that ugly thing?
00:29:10It's ain't no notice of her, Nan.
00:29:12Nah.
00:29:13How much is that dog in the window?
00:29:17I mean, it's what he wants for his birthday, Hans.
00:29:19Come on, be nice.
00:29:20I mean, Katie will have her kitty.
00:29:22Little Bob can have a puppy to play with.
00:29:25Oh, look at this.
00:29:28The archaic rats.
00:29:30Oi, have you cropped how much this dog in the fucking window is?
00:29:32Yeah, well, maybe if we had a bit of pedigree wrapped around us,
00:29:34we'd be the ones going off on that dream holiday.
00:29:36Sorry, sir. No food consumption on the premises.
00:29:40Has to be outside, you see.
00:29:41Including ice creams. There is a sign.
00:29:44Oi, mate.
00:29:45Can you read?
00:29:48Armani.
00:29:49Come on, kids, outside.
00:29:50Please, let me get some.
00:29:52I'm having two spaces.
00:29:54Talks really hell.
00:30:01Oh, my God.
00:30:04Animal liberation, bruh!
00:30:07Money back in Paris.
00:30:08Every gangsta's a tentator.
00:30:15Thanks, Dad.
00:30:16Now, the next bit of money we get in right, I'm going to build a pond.
00:30:18Stock it up with koi carp.
00:30:20I might start breeding them as it goes.
00:30:21You know the profit margins on koi carp don't bear fitting about.
00:30:25I'd like to see you running out of jollies with a koi carp.
00:30:27Stack up your jacket.
00:30:28Er, can I have a word, please, Robert?
00:30:43£84.50.
00:30:44Yes, yes, yes.
00:30:45That is a stunner.
00:30:46If you're a lover of the single stone designs,
00:30:48but you like to have something that's got, um,
00:30:50a little bit more of a flame to it rather than just the stone...
00:30:52Give me my gun back, silly bollocks.
00:30:55I've hid it in.
00:30:56What are you, two years of age or something?
00:30:59Hidn't it?
00:31:00I'm talking about fucking waving it around like some...
00:31:03Go and get me my gun, then you'd better make yourself scarce.
00:31:06Eh?
00:31:06Eh? Eh? Eh?
00:31:17My call's got own leave.
00:31:19Own leave?
00:31:20Yes.
00:31:21That's why I wanted you looking after it for a bit,
00:31:23in case the old bill come round.
00:31:25Own leave? I thought you got life.
00:31:26Michael's got life.
00:31:28Yeah.
00:31:28Well, now he's got own leave weekend.
00:31:32Man, that's bad.
00:31:32After what have you done?
00:31:34He'll be back in at one o'clock.
00:31:39And I've told him.
00:31:42What?
00:31:43Told him what?
00:31:45Everything.
00:31:47What do you mean?
00:31:48You mean what happened the other day?
00:31:49You ain't told him that, have you?
00:31:50You want to make yourself fucking scarce.
00:31:53What did he say?
00:31:55He ain't very fucking happy with you.
00:31:57Me?
00:31:58You started it, getting all mucky and all that.
00:32:00It was you.
00:32:01Rule number one, it is out of order to take advantage of a mate's wife when he's banged up.
00:32:05No, hold on.
00:32:07You raped me.
00:32:08I was raped.
00:32:08You raped me.
00:32:09I said no.
00:32:09Gun.
00:32:11I can't believe you told him.
00:32:12Michael, do you know how nutcase he is?
00:32:14What did he say?
00:32:16He knows.
00:32:17I'm a woman with womanly desires,
00:32:19and you're an advantage-taking little tosser who needs plugging.
00:32:51I'm a woman with womanly desires,
00:33:18I mean, you know, you never know, right?
00:33:22I could be shot at any moment.
00:33:24Any of us could.
00:33:25Fucking right there, sir.
00:33:27You can never be certain of anything in this uncertain world.
00:33:31Sign there, my friend.
00:33:35So now I'm covered for all eventualities?
00:33:37Spot on.
00:33:56Anything happens,
00:33:58my family are 250,000 smackeroonies to the good, yeah?
00:34:02Your official documentation will follow in a few days.
00:34:05And that's your receipt.
00:34:25So now I'm covered for all of this.
00:34:25I'm covered for all of this.
00:34:25I don't know.
00:34:26I don't know.
00:34:26My friend is,
00:34:26it's aç–‘ sell.
00:34:26I don't know.
00:34:26It's a疑� mornings.
00:34:26You're 65 hungry for you.
00:34:28or take care of me,
00:34:35next time me.
00:34:35The winner is,
00:34:53Did you use the oil?
00:34:55What?
00:34:55What do you want?
00:35:03If that meets top, I'm not going to do that for you.
00:35:14Excuse me, sorry to bother you, who is that?
00:35:18What do you want?
00:35:19How did he get in?
00:35:21What do you want?
00:35:24What the fuck do you need holiday for?
00:35:27Sorry, what the heck do you need holiday for?
00:35:30I beg your pardon, can we help you?
00:35:35Look, I've got 27 pounds, right?
00:35:38And there's more where that came from.
00:35:40What is it that you want?
00:35:42Can I buy your dream island holiday off of you?
00:35:45Kindly.
00:35:46I'm ever so desperate.
00:35:48Please.
00:35:48I'm calling the police.
00:35:49No, no.
00:35:50Be careful.
00:35:50Sorry.
00:35:51Look, mate, please, sell me your holiday.
00:35:53I'm calling the police.
00:35:54You're trespassing.
00:35:55No.
00:35:56Look.
00:35:56Look.
00:35:57Look, man, man.
00:35:58Somebody help me out here, will you?
00:36:00Please?
00:36:01You see, I've done a bit of a rip here.
00:36:02Someone help me, please.
00:36:03No, no, no.
00:36:04I'm not going to hurt you.
00:36:05It's all right.
00:36:05It's all right.
00:36:06Fucking hell.
00:36:06No one ever listens to me.
00:36:07Let me get into my house.
00:36:09You see, I've let me wife down and I just want to make it up to her.
00:36:12Please.
00:36:12Run next door, get help, Ingrid.
00:36:14Oh, no.
00:36:14Sorry.
00:36:15Don't choke down.
00:36:16Sorry, mate.
00:36:20Have you a big break, mate?
00:36:21What's that?
00:36:22Parrot nap.
00:36:23Picture of.
00:36:24Security video.
00:36:25Someone nicked a parrot.
00:36:26Well, this is Hatfield after all.
00:36:28That's all that lot.
00:36:30Oh, these are my old school reports, sir.
00:36:32We're a public service.
00:36:33You've got the time to...
00:36:34And those of one Robert Martin.
00:36:36It's his research, sir.
00:36:37I'm trying to understand the psyche of a...
00:36:41Well, in that case, really.
00:36:41Sort of shifty.
00:36:46Was it him, do you reckon, at the Hatfield Recorder?
00:36:49Well, it had to be him, didn't it?
00:36:51He's got a gun, hasn't he?
00:36:52Yeah.
00:36:53Is he likely to use it, do you think?
00:36:56What was he like?
00:36:57I mean, you know...
00:36:58Was he one of those kids that would wedge a kitten in a tree
00:37:00and shoot at it with an air rifle?
00:37:04I love my Mrs. Lynn.
00:37:07I fucking love her.
00:37:10Do you know how to call her?
00:37:13Sex on legs.
00:37:15Unless genuine, that is.
00:37:18And stupid, silly bollocks that I am.
00:37:20And it's got meself raped by dirty little across the way.
00:37:23I don't know.
00:37:24She's on the sherry.
00:37:25She's plying me with Ouzo.
00:37:26Her sister brought back from somewhere or other.
00:37:27The next thing you know, it's all...
00:37:29Giggly, giggly, tickly, tickly.
00:37:31One big joke, et cetera.
00:37:34Head me juggers off and the rest is history, as they say.
00:37:36Please, I...
00:37:37What?
00:37:37What?
00:37:39We're talking, aren't we?
00:37:40Like mates.
00:37:44I needed that holiday.
00:37:47See?
00:37:48My little boy.
00:37:54Well, you know like Midas.
00:37:56You know everything he touches turns to gold.
00:37:59Well, everything I touch turns to shit.
00:38:03So I've come up with the best solution for all concerned.
00:38:08How many flight tickets you got?
00:38:13Oh, no.
00:38:15It was just the cottage we won for a week.
00:38:17We had to arrange travel.
00:38:20We were going to drive.
00:38:25How can you drive to a desert island?
00:38:29You do know that the dream holiday is on the Isle of Man, don't you?
00:38:35Yeah.
00:38:37You, um, you did read that, didn't you?
00:38:42Yeah.
00:38:44Fucking old people!
00:38:46You've always got to be so fucking clever, clogs, ain't you?
00:38:49Eh?
00:38:55All right, now.
00:38:56You've both got a drink, all right?
00:38:58So just relax.
00:38:59You can't leave us down here.
00:39:02Well, I've given you both a drink.
00:39:03You know, most armed robbers.
00:39:05Look, I just want to give me family holiday and I can die and have me man.
00:39:08Now, tell me again.
00:39:11Isle of Man, what is it?
00:39:12M25, M1, is that right?
00:39:14You get the ferry from Liverpool.
00:39:18I didn't even know Liverpool was on the sea.
00:39:23You see, if I lived here, I wouldn't need to get away.
00:39:27But I don't.
00:39:27So I do.
00:39:31I'm really sorry, Mrs Heath.
00:39:33I mean, I am.
00:39:34I mean, I'd love a grave if it looked like you.
00:39:36But you see, I have a dream.
00:39:38A dream where one day my children and my children's children won't have to drink no frills lemonade.
00:39:43We can't survive on a glass of water.
00:39:46Not for a week.
00:39:48Meryl, well, I'll knock you off some sandwiches then, but I'm in a bit of a fucking hurry here!
00:39:54Pardon my French, Mrs Heath.
00:40:04Sir, that is Robert Martin.
00:40:07Oh, yes?
00:40:08Yeah.
00:40:09Right, now, the dog's fed, the cat's out and the plants are watered.
00:40:12Now, that's it! I'm out of here!
00:40:14Listen, I'm sorry to trouble you.
00:40:15Do you think you could possibly check that the immersion heater is switched off?
00:40:19No!
00:40:27No!
00:40:28You ain't never gonna believe this, guys.
00:40:30But do you know what Lil wanted?
00:40:31Someone had been over when we were at the pet shop to let us know.
00:40:33We won!
00:40:34We won the dream holiday!
00:40:36I've just been to check it out and she's right!
00:40:38How?
00:40:38I've got something on your chin, Robert.
00:40:40Oh, it's a bit of bullshit.
00:40:41No, no, no.
00:40:42You know the others, the Ridgeways, it says you're not allowed to be an employer.
00:40:46All employers at the company, not allowed.
00:40:47It's like I've got some proviso at the bottom of competitions.
00:40:50No, I've seen that in my Take a Break magazine, Mum.
00:40:52Exactly!
00:40:53So they've been disqualified.
00:40:55The Ridgeways.
00:40:55So we've won!
00:40:57So what did they want to tell Lil for?
00:40:58What's got to do with that fat slug?
00:41:00Because we were out!
00:41:01Fuck me!
00:41:01It's heartbreaking good news to this family, innit?
00:41:04We've won!
00:41:06Bollocks!
00:41:07No!
00:41:07And it's for five.
00:41:09And I'd love you to come, Amph.
00:41:11Oh, let me have a look.
00:41:12No, we've got five minutes to bung a bit of kit in a bag and get out of here.
00:41:15Come on!
00:41:16Come on!
00:41:17Five minutes and we're out of here!
00:41:18Come on!
00:41:19I so fucking love you!
00:41:21Are you all right?
00:41:22You'd better let go of me.
00:41:23We've only got five minutes.
00:41:24Shall we do a packed lunch or something?
00:41:25Yeah!
00:41:25Come on!
00:41:26Come on, my raggle!
00:41:27Daddy's one as another!
00:41:28I've got to get them past lunch!
00:41:31Come on!
00:41:32Come on!
00:41:34I've got them.
00:41:34Quick, quick, quick!
00:41:35Come on, don't you try.
00:41:35Come on, Katie.
00:41:36Just give me a slam, yeah?
00:41:42Where's Mama?
00:41:45I've got your baby sweets in here, mam!
00:41:47Don't stop us!
00:41:49We're all for men!
00:41:50I've got your seatbelt.
00:41:51Oh!
00:41:53What's that?
00:41:54Is she lagging?
00:41:55Come on, come on, come on!
00:41:56You're right!
00:42:40Stop looking at me, gay.
00:42:42Oi, oi, oi.
00:42:43Don't be stupid, Katie.
00:42:44You're looking at me now.
00:42:56I can do my GCCs anyhow.
00:42:58Load of girls in my school get pregnant.
00:43:00We're famous for it.
00:43:01Yeah, all right, Katie, we'll talk about it later.
00:43:03I've got an appointment with Mr Trenchman.
00:43:05He's not a father, is he?
00:43:06Oh, fuck off.
00:43:07Oh, come on, Katie.
00:43:09Oi, oi, oi.
00:43:09Language like that.
00:43:10No wonder you got yourself pregnant.
00:43:12You can't get yourself pregnant, Dad.
00:43:14Sorry to confuse you.
00:43:16Nah, Katie, enough.
00:43:18England's got the highest teen pregnancy rate in Europe.
00:43:21Well, that's nothing to be proud of, is it?
00:43:23She's given it lives like it's something to be proud of.
00:43:25I'm carrying on a fine tradition.
00:43:28It's my own fault.
00:43:29I should have belted her to within an inch of her life
00:43:30when she came home with her belly button pierced.
00:43:32All right, Robert, there's nothing we can do about it now.
00:43:34All right, don't have a cop with me.
00:43:37It's her with the morals of an alley cat.
00:43:39Cats are very clean animals, actually.
00:43:43I'm just saying, we deserve to know who the father is.
00:43:46I mean, it's me who's going to be paying out for it
00:43:48for the next 18 years.
00:43:49No.
00:43:50What do you mean, no?
00:43:51What do you know about anything?
00:43:53You're 14.
00:43:54A claim of the state, like you do, for everything.
00:43:57I'm a communist.
00:43:58I'm doing it out of principle.
00:44:00He's just got the young
00:44:01because you're going to make him a granddaddy.
00:44:05I remember feeling suicidal when you spermed my daughter.
00:44:09Oh, you are one gross old bat.
00:44:13I was using the correct biological terminology.
00:44:22I've got an horrible feeling that this fucking luxury island holiday
00:44:27is going to turn out to be yet another of his...
00:44:31Well, I, for one, have never heard of a luxury cruise
00:44:36going from fucking Liverpool.
00:44:40Look, we're going to have a bash at being an happy normal family.
00:44:45A normal happy family's going all of that together.
00:44:48And get on.
00:44:50So shut your fucking face.
00:44:53Please.
00:44:54Stop, Dad, stop!
00:45:02The fucking joy.
00:45:07Oh.
00:45:09Here you are.
00:45:09Have a bit of water, mate.
00:45:10You all right?
00:45:13Oh, you all right, babe?
00:45:17Oh, give us the key, Robert.
00:45:19I'll let Mum out the boot.
00:45:20You might as well leave her in there.
00:45:21We'll be on our way in a minute.
00:45:22Please, Robert.
00:45:24You all right now, you little bub?
00:45:26We've got to be unique.
00:45:27No other fans are like us.
00:45:29You know that, don't you?
00:45:30We're not normal.
00:45:31They're a fucking disaster.
00:45:34Dysfunctional, Nan.
00:45:35Look, it's just a bit of car sickness.
00:45:37It's no big deal.
00:45:38What's the matter of you two, you lot?
00:45:39A couple of money-hole fucking scousers.
00:45:41None win on you.
00:45:43Exactly.
00:45:44None win on you either, Katie.
00:45:46Yeah, well, I can still bloody smell it.
00:45:49Look, can we just get back in the car
00:45:51and get on with our dream holiday of a lifetime, please?
00:45:55You all right, mate?
00:45:56Love you, Dad.
00:45:58Yeah, well, don't think you're getting a kiss.
00:46:01Oh, my fucking arse.
00:46:04Well, you are.
00:46:04Let me rub it better for you.
00:46:05Fuck off.
00:46:06Here you are.
00:46:06Fuck off.
00:46:07Here.
00:46:09Quick, back in the car.
00:46:10Quick, come on.
00:46:10Let's get in.
00:46:11See you.
00:46:11Here you are.
00:46:12What do you want that?
00:46:16Where's the keys?
00:46:18Fucking living there.
00:46:19Right, let's go.
00:46:20Quick, go on.
00:46:21Fuck off.
00:46:25You fucking bastard.
00:46:29Oh, God.
00:46:30Back up, back up.
00:46:32Fuck you, then.
00:46:33You're getting going.
00:46:36I ain't coming.
00:46:38I ain't coming.
00:46:39I ain't coming.
00:46:40Oh, no.
00:46:40I've got to clean that up.
00:46:44It's only a joke.
00:47:11Excuse me.
00:47:13Hey, have you come about the gun?
00:47:43Oh, you're much better than the titan of film.
00:47:45Oh, lovely. You're not a pet on the geezer.
00:47:47Thank you very much.
00:47:51The Isle of Friggin' Man is not what I call a dream holiday destination.
00:47:56Well, you ever been? No. So shut it. It might be lovely.
00:48:02Trust you to win something so... spazzy.
00:48:22You all right? Yeah, tell.
00:48:26I don't care who the father is. You do know that, don't you?
00:48:29I don't even know who he is, Mum.
00:48:32How? On Miss Leg. Slepper. Slep.
00:48:35Oh, don't be silly. Of course you're not.
00:48:38I've done it with a few boys.
00:48:41I've hardly ever done it with your dad.
00:48:43What was he like? Oi.
00:48:46We just had to put Father Unknown on the birth certificate.
00:48:49Sorry, Mum.
00:48:51Yeah, at least we'll know if it's Black Antleys.
00:48:53Not necessarily.
00:48:55Oh, Katie. You're only 14.
00:48:58It's the only thing I seem quite good at.
00:49:05What are you doing in here?
00:49:06Oh, you're frying the life out of me.
00:49:09There's no-one in here. Have a bit of first class.
00:49:11You're not supposed to be in here, are you?
00:49:13I said today was going to be my lucky day, didn't I?
00:49:15Look, what is it, Robert? Something's going on. Please tell me.
00:49:18Oh, there's nothing going on.
00:49:20You know I'd go anywhere with you, didn't you?
00:49:22What's that supposed to mean?
00:49:23It means I'm on your side.
00:49:24I should hope so.
00:49:26The luxuries I've lavished on you over the years.
00:49:28Yeah, right.
00:49:29What, who's just won you a dream holiday?
00:49:30Come on, whose gun is it?
00:49:32Oh, forget about the gun.
00:49:34You keep going on about the gun. It's doing my head in.
00:49:36I've given it back.
00:49:44It's lovely in here, isn't it?
00:49:48It's nice, isn't it?
00:50:05Oh!
00:50:06Oh!
00:50:06Oh!
00:50:07To my way of thinking, this ain't what it was cracked up to be.
00:50:12This is a customer service announcement
00:50:14for vehicle drivers and their passengers only.
00:50:16What are you doing?
00:50:16You're not in the tape, then.
00:50:19Don't worry about it.
00:50:21Like you're torturing me in the back here.
00:50:25Look where he's born.
00:50:27It's worse than Scabby Atfield.
00:50:35You're a fucking failure at everything.
00:50:37Always have been, always will be.
00:50:39Why do we have to listen to you?
00:50:40Stupid opinions, 24 hours a day.
00:50:43Look, you're just up, ma.
00:50:44I'm hot and tired.
00:50:45Yes, I'm hot and tired and fed up.
00:50:48Especially fed up with him.
00:50:49Dragging us all this way under false pretenses.
00:50:53Ireland holiday.
00:50:54I want to go home.
00:50:56She's just jealous.
00:50:58What have I got to be jealous of, silly bollocks?
00:51:00Me and Edge.
00:51:02What are you talking about?
00:51:03Because we got each other and you ain't got no one.
00:51:06And that's what you've never been able to forgive me for.
00:51:08Well, it ain't my fault.
00:51:12You don't come to laffy-duffy crap with me.
00:51:16I've heard you through me wafer-fin walls.
00:51:19Heard what?
00:51:19What you heard?
00:51:20Asked him.
00:51:22Mr. So-in-love.
00:51:23How was she going on about Robert?
00:51:25Listen to it.
00:51:26You know what she's like.
00:51:27Shut up, you wrinkled prune.
00:51:30She's my daughter you're lying to.
00:51:36What have you heard through your wafer-thin walls?
00:51:41I fucking clocked him.
00:51:44Shuffling up her path.
00:51:46Shut up!
00:51:47No!
00:51:49You don't know what you're talking about.
00:51:50I fucking urge her!
00:51:53Mucking about!
00:51:54You know Nish!
00:51:55She knows Nish, Ange.
00:51:57I know what you was up to in Lil's front room.
00:52:00And I know you weren't having a play wrestle.
00:52:05Dirty bastard.
00:52:07All men are the same, Ange.
00:52:09Keep their brains in their bellend.
00:52:11Have you humiliated me?
00:52:15Stop the car.
00:52:16Stop the fucking car, right?
00:52:26I knew.
00:52:27I sort of knew.
00:52:30What?
00:52:31I sort of had a feeling, you know.
00:52:33So come on.
00:52:34How long's it been going on?
00:52:37There's nothing going on.
00:52:38There's nothing going on.
00:52:39Like, it was once.
00:52:40I knew it!
00:52:42What?
00:52:42It was her fault.
00:52:43She jumped on top of me.
00:52:45And I didn't want her to get cross, so I let her.
00:52:46I can't believe you slept with her, Lil.
00:52:49Just because you didn't want her to get cross.
00:52:52I didn't exactly sleep with her.
00:52:55You've done me, Robert.
00:52:58You've done me in.
00:53:01I'm done in.
00:53:03What?
00:53:04I'm nice in the middle.
00:53:05Now I'm fucking...
00:53:06I know that.
00:53:08Don't you suppose that ain't fucking...
00:53:10Do whatever you fucking like, but just forget me, Ange, please.
00:53:13No.
00:53:14No more, old Robert.
00:53:16From now I'm cement, right?
00:53:17I'm cementing everything together.
00:53:19Well, that's good.
00:53:20What do you mean good?
00:53:21I'm cementing you out.
00:53:23You're on the outside.
00:53:24Wall here, right?
00:53:25Me and my family in.
00:53:27You out.
00:53:39I've been in love with you ever since I can remember.
00:53:42Since you were a kid in the playground with your hair all sticking up like someone had rubbed a balloon
00:53:46on it or something.
00:53:48And you've been nothing but a disappointment to me.
00:53:52But every year, every month, every day, I've held on to the thought, to the belief that things might get
00:54:00better.
00:54:00But they're never going to get better, are they?
00:54:03Because you are what you are, mate.
00:54:05And what you are is a fucking disappointment.
00:54:07You want to move your car, mate?
00:54:11Do you want to get off, left, so I can move the car?
00:54:29We're here on our holidays.
00:54:49It's all right, mate.
00:54:50Mummy and Daddy were just having a bit of a play fight.
00:54:55And you, oi, you.
00:54:57Yes, you.
00:55:00Are you satisfied with your day's work, are you?
00:55:02That's not a be-ive.
00:55:03You're a fucking Martian.
00:55:09It's not supposed to be a fucking be-ive anyway.
00:55:12It's not supposed to be a fucking pineapple.
00:55:21Let's just get on with our holidays, shall we?
00:55:24I want to go home.
00:55:29I can't go home.
00:55:35Michael's going to kill me.
00:55:45They've never swam in the sea.
00:55:47You have won this holiday.
00:55:49I mean, that isn't more crap.
00:55:52No, I've won the holiday.
00:55:54I have.
00:55:54Ange.
00:55:57Let them swim in the sea.
00:56:02Our babies have never swam in the sea.
00:56:08What kind of parents are we?
00:56:15I'll go on this holiday.
00:56:18When we get home, I want you to leave.
00:56:22Leave me.
00:56:24Us.
00:56:26I want a different life.
00:56:30I've got a little bit of pride left, Robert.
00:56:32Not much.
00:56:34Just a little bit.
00:56:40Yes, that's him.
00:56:41Yes.
00:56:42You bastard.
00:56:43Who is he?
00:56:44Your, um, secretary remembers him saying something about how you would take him seriously if he lived on the Ridgeway.
00:56:49Yeah.
00:56:50Something like that.
00:56:52Why's that, then?
00:56:53Well, I don't bloody know.
00:56:54Big houses.
00:56:55And the winners of the week at your mother's cottage on Isle of Man came from the Ridgeway.
00:56:59Your mother's cottage?
00:57:01His attempt to boost circulation.
00:57:03And did it work?
00:57:04Did it?
00:57:05Yes.
00:57:06Would a Mr Martin have entered your competition?
00:57:23Oh, my God.
00:57:39Oh, it's a bit pretty here, isn't it?
00:57:41Oh, it's a bit pretty here, isn't it?
00:57:58Yeah.
00:57:58That's open.
00:57:59Come on, let nanny out.
00:58:01All right.
00:58:05Peace out, nanny.
00:58:06Oh.
00:58:10Oh.
00:58:11Oh.
00:58:12Oh.
00:58:13Oh, fuck respect.
00:58:15Oh, my God.
00:58:17Oh, my God.
00:58:19Oh, my God.
00:58:19Oh, my God.
00:58:21Oh, my God.
00:58:22Oh, my God.
00:58:24Oh, my God.
00:58:25Oh, it's the fence!
00:58:29Oh, no!
00:58:32Oh!
00:58:45Unbelievable.
00:59:02Come on.
01:00:07Unbelievable.
01:00:10Unbe-fucking-lievable.
01:00:14Here, watch me luggage!
01:00:16All right, all right.
01:00:17Blamey, what you got in there?
01:00:20Just give her a good holiday.
01:00:23That's what I'm trying to do.
01:00:27That's what I'm trying to do.
01:00:29I want to see her smiling again.
01:00:32So do I.
01:00:47Friends?
01:00:53Forgive me.
01:00:53No, Robert.
01:00:55I'm going to act like everything's fine for this week, but I completely mean it.
01:00:58When we get home, you're gone.
01:01:02I love you.
01:01:04How can you?
01:01:06What?
01:01:06I started off loving you.
01:01:08My cup overraneth.
01:01:10Ranneth over with love for you.
01:01:12But over the last 20-odd years, drip by drip, my cup has been emptied.
01:01:18Sitting at home with an empty cup while my husband sexed up the oar across the road.
01:01:22I realise something has to be done.
01:01:24I realise something has to be done, too.
01:01:26No, there's nothing you can do, mate.
01:01:28I've decided.
01:01:30I have got to say, I always thought you was a bit cursed, Robert.
01:01:34But this, it's the bollocks.
01:01:41Sorry about before.
01:01:42You know, what I said.
01:01:43In the car.
01:01:45I didn't mean it.
01:01:46About a little.
01:01:49I'm ever than nothing, me.
01:01:52Glad you made it up now.
01:01:53I'm going for a frigging paddle, me.
01:01:55If I could be chill, Blake.
01:02:03I'm going for a frigging paddle, me.
01:02:17I couldn't live without you.
01:02:19Nothing's going to work anymore.
01:02:22Like I say, my cup's empty.
01:02:25Little residue of scum is all that's left.
01:02:45What's he doing?
01:02:47Running.
01:02:48Running?
01:02:49Yeah.
01:02:51At least he ain't going to bump into him, have you?
01:02:52The best is coming!
01:02:54Yay!
01:02:56I'm so proud of you.
01:03:00I've got the best daughter and the best son in the world.
01:03:06Stay there, my brother! Stay there, my brother!
01:03:08Woo-hoo!
01:03:35Ingrid, someone in the garden.
01:03:37What?
01:03:38Someone in the garden!
01:03:39Help!
01:03:40Help!
01:03:41Help!
01:03:42Can you hear?
01:03:43We're locked in the cellar!
01:03:46Right, if you dug a trench, right, you know, curling round the property like that, from one bit of sea
01:03:50over there, curling round to that bit of sea over there, we'd be an island effectively, same as.
01:03:54It wouldn't make us an island.
01:03:56It would, straight up, have, because people would have to cross water to come onto our land. Island. Bosh.
01:04:01Dictionary definition, right? The one who has to cross a bit of expanse of water. You look it up!
01:04:05It'd be nice, though, wouldn't it?
01:04:06Yeah. Declare ourselves independent. Abolish taxes.
01:04:10You don't pay no taxes.
01:04:12No, I know. We'd just make up our own rules, couldn't we? A proper, truly communist state.
01:04:18And me and you'd be king and queen, Edge.
01:04:20I'd be the fucking queen mother, I suppose.
01:04:24What should we call it, then, our country?
01:04:27Huh? Uh, I don't know. What do you reckon, little boy?
01:04:30Um, hey, gotta dig the trench first.
01:04:32No, no, I'll be king, mate. I'll get one of me muppets to do it for me, won't I?
01:04:35Don't look at me.
01:04:36Yeah, have some more Battenberg, now.
01:04:38Yeah, go on, build yourself up for a bit of trench digging.
01:04:42You can borrow my bucket spade, Nan.
01:04:46I stared down the barrel of his gunner.
01:04:52I thought I was dead.
01:04:54We're losing control.
01:04:56We'll catch him, Mr. Heath. He will be caught.
01:04:59The bad people are winning. The good people...
01:05:02Like the red squirrels. We're being driven out by the vermin grey squirrels.
01:05:19So, what are you doing? You coming to bed, then?
01:05:23No, I'm all right here, thanks.
01:05:35If we lived here, we would have survived.
01:05:37We live in Appfield.
01:05:54So, is there any hope for us, then?
01:05:57What, me and you?
01:06:03No.
01:08:08Robert, what are you doing?
01:08:10You can't swim.
01:08:24How long do you think it's going to take me to scrub that felt tip off the kitchen table?
01:08:40Here, they do say the sea gets warmer at night, didn't they?
01:08:43Well, I would just like to say that that is bollocks.
01:08:49I stole this holiday.
01:08:52I've never won a fucking thing in my life.
01:08:56How could you steal a holiday?
01:08:58I thought I'd have to win us in their basement.
01:09:10Could you give me an egg, Robert?
01:09:21I'm telling you, Angie, you'd be a lot, lot, lot better off if I was dead.
01:09:24I mean, what kind of example am I to my kids?
01:09:27How can they grow up to be anything other than bad?
01:09:30Yeah, but they're not bad, are they?
01:09:32When they're fucking brilliant, brilliant kids.
01:09:36I'm just making everybody's life a misery, you know, and you all deserve to be so happy.
01:09:45Maybe you do make me angry.
01:10:03I'll put a gun on little Bob's teacher as well.
01:10:08Well, that was a bit daft, wasn't it?
01:10:11Well, that's me, isn't it?
01:10:15I'm just leaving this family at a disaster.
01:10:21Here.
01:10:23Was it Mr. Barker who you pulled the gun on?
01:10:28I thought his face was a fucking picture.
01:10:30I mean, he shits himself on parents' nights.
01:10:37Dad! Dad! Oh, Dad!
01:10:38Kate, it's leaking!
01:10:40She told me to tell you and you've got to come quick!
01:10:42She's leaking!
01:10:44Katie!
01:10:45Daddy!
01:10:46I'm having my baby on the toilet!
01:10:48All right, darling, all right.
01:10:49I'm having my baby on the toilet.
01:10:51It can't be right, can I?
01:10:52It's fine, it's fine.
01:10:53Just relax.
01:10:54Look, put your hands on Daddy's shoulders.
01:10:55Oh, God! Robert!
01:10:55Here's Mummy.
01:10:56Come to help.
01:10:57Look, everything's going to be fine.
01:10:58I'm looking after our little girl.
01:10:59Shall we get her up in the hospital or something?
01:11:00There's no time.
01:11:01Oh, God!
01:11:02Don't panic.
01:11:03Everything's going to be okay.
01:11:04I swear, okay?
01:11:05I delivered Katie, didn't I, Mummy?
01:11:06Yeah, Daddy knows what he's doing, darling.
01:11:09But I was born in our actual general.
01:11:10No, no, no, that's really what you're after.
01:11:12Yeah, but I delivered you in Nanny's bathroom.
01:11:14We didn't tell anybody else, yeah?
01:11:16Please don't let it hurt, Dad.
01:11:18Please!
01:11:18Oi, I love you to bits and I'll do my best.
01:11:20You just do what I tell you, okay?
01:11:22Good girl.
01:11:23Good girl.
01:11:35Oh, my God, she's having the baby.
01:11:37She's having the baby!
01:11:38Oi, serenity, Mum.
01:11:39I'll go for help.
01:11:40There's no time.
01:11:41Come on, you can help.
01:11:42Come round the other side.
01:11:43Mummy and Nanny are going to move you off the toilet now, Katie, okay?
01:11:46Then I want you to support her from behind, Mum.
01:11:48Okay, off the toilet, you can...
01:11:49Ah, is it?
01:11:51All right.
01:11:52Daddy, look after you, Katie.
01:11:54There you go, boy.
01:11:55Leave a minute.
01:12:03All right, now, listen, this is what we're going to do.
01:12:05We're going to do some breathing exercises now, all right?
01:12:07I want you to go with me now.
01:12:09Breathe in like I read you in that book.
01:12:10Do you remember?
01:12:10And out.
01:12:12In and out.
01:12:14In and out.
01:12:15Good girl.
01:12:16That's it, don't push, Katie.
01:12:19Don't push.
01:12:20Help me, little Bob!
01:12:21Don't push, Katie.
01:12:29It's it!
01:12:30It's it!
01:12:32Nearly there.
01:12:35Towel, towel.
01:12:42Here we go, here we go.
01:12:43Everybody is gone.
01:12:46Whoa!
01:12:47No, no!
01:12:54There you go.
01:12:56Whoa!
01:12:57Whoa!
01:13:20You're blinding in there, Robert.
01:13:23New start.
01:13:25New beginnings.
01:13:26No, hang on.
01:13:26It ain't that simple.
01:13:27Right, you've got to grow up.
01:13:30I'm a granddad now.
01:13:31You can't tell me to grow up.
01:13:33You know what I mean.
01:13:38Look, it won't happen again.
01:13:40Yeah.
01:13:40Right, I know it won't happen again.
01:13:42Because we're a fucking beautiful family, right?
01:13:44And I'm not going to have you ruin it.
01:13:46I mean, I want to push that kiddie round out
01:13:48filled with my head held eye.
01:13:49You know, proud to be a Martin.
01:13:53Aren't you proud?
01:13:54Yes.
01:13:55Make me proud.
01:13:57Robert, I don't want to walk around and see that look in people's eyes anymore.
01:14:01And I don't want to go to the Galleria and have the security men following me around.
01:14:07Look, from now on, everything's going to be all right.
01:14:16Good.
01:14:18Okay.
01:14:23Right, we all right, you know.
01:14:33Shit.
01:14:34He's fucking killing them.
01:14:37Drop the scissors away! Drop the fucking scissors!
01:14:40Put it down now!
01:14:43Stay where you are!
01:14:45Stay where you are!
01:14:46Stay where you are, ladies!
01:14:48You stand still! I said stand still!
01:14:50I am armed!
01:14:51You don't have to say anything. I'm sorry.
01:14:53It may harm your defence,
01:14:55but you do not mention one question.
01:14:58Something to let the reliant in court.
01:15:01Anything you do, sir?
01:15:03Wait till the reliant, sir.
01:15:19Wait till the reliant.
01:15:41And here we go!
01:15:43i need all these shoes.
01:15:58Hop road have overcome your way.
01:15:59No way.
01:15:59The daughters,
01:17:52What happened to you coming out next week?
01:18:01I wanted to surprise you, you know.
01:18:04Well, I wanted to come and meet you.
01:18:08Look at a baby.
01:18:12He's not a baby any more, eh?
01:18:16Toddling around like that.
01:18:18Yeah, well, you said you didn't want me bringing him to the prison.
01:18:20No, I didn't want him to see me, you know.
01:18:23Yeah, he loves Mum.
01:18:25Has he?
01:18:25He wants to see his little face like that when she calls around in the morning.
01:18:33Place looks great.
01:18:35It's just a lick of paint.
01:18:44I don't know.
01:18:46Maybe I'd, uh...
01:18:47Look.
01:18:48You're going to give me a cuddle or what?
01:18:53Yeah.
01:19:00You're going to come and say hello to your grandson?
01:19:10Ange.
01:19:10Oi, now.
01:19:11Don't start getting soppy with me, all right?
01:19:15It's good to have you home, Robert.
01:19:36Don't start getting soppy with me.
01:19:46Woo!
01:19:47Woo!
01:19:48Oh, he's getting soppy.
01:19:51I did crack down.
01:19:52Crank down.
01:19:55Crank down.
01:20:14Crank down.
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