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00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker, and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a program all about things that are happening, things like this.
00:28HSBC has been accused of helping customers avoid taxes, apparently encouraging them to hide profits in Switzerland.
00:34I, for one, am disappointed in HSBC, because they always seemed like such a nice faceless conglomerate.
00:39Grease might have to pull out of the Eurozone.
00:41The hallouming crisis seems like a fait accompli.
00:45It's all a terrible pitter, going from kebab to worse. Grease pun.
00:49Intense consensual domestic violence movie Fifty Shades of Grey is about to come out.
00:54I read the script, it had hit written all over it, in the stage directions.
00:58The main character is an S&M fanatic called Christian Grey.
01:02Already people are asking, when will moderate Christians condemn his campaign of violence?
01:07There were jubilant and uplifting scenes as Eddie Redmayne triumphed at the BAFTAs.
01:11He appeared in The Theory of Everything, playing a young Stephen Hawking before he devolved wheels.
01:16But we start with ISIS.
01:17Tonight at 10, outrage in Jordan, as one of its pilots is burnt to death by IS extremists.
01:25It feels like ISIS is engaged in the kind of sickening game of one-downsmanship with itself, daring itself to produce something more barbaric than the last killing.
01:33And it's hard to know, really, how to even wrap your head around this level of horror, coupled with its total accessibility.
01:38Not so long ago, we had to fall asleep to experience nightmares.
01:41We now live in a world where at any moment your phone could buzz in your pocket.
01:44There might be someone tweeting a photo of their lunch, or a video of someone dying in agony.
01:49Then there's the question of whether to look or not to look.
01:52Spoiler, the sane answer is not to look, which isn't made easy for you.
01:55The numb and frightened faces of the victims appear on the front page of newspapers and in search results.
02:00It becomes unavoidable.
02:02Not that everyone tries to avoid it.
02:04In the Daily Mail, Piers Morgan claimed he was glad he watched the video depicting a caged man being burned to death because it helped him understand how evil ISIS can be.
02:12Which betrays an astounding lack of imagination.
02:14Fox News, meanwhile, broadcast an exhaustive spoken word, moment-by-moment description of the video from host Shepard Smith,
02:21who'd watched it so you wouldn't have to, which you didn't have to anyway.
02:24We're not going to show you the video, obviously.
02:27It's 23 minutes plus that video.
02:30And you've got to cut to commercials in 10 minutes.
02:32I'm going to tell you about it.
02:34All of it. Every bit of it.
02:35Fox also garnered much criticism for embedding the entire video uncensored on their website.
02:41Tells you something about America's stomach for violence, really, that while a terrorist snuff video can be carried uncensored,
02:46an innocuous report about a nudist beach on the same website comes with black boxes superimposed over the buttocks
02:52because it's important to confront the reality of murder.
02:55But oh my f***, we can't handle a bum.
02:57If ISIS ever start killing people in the nude, Fox is going to have a real editorial dilemma on its hands.
03:02Of course, TV news is helplessly institutionally addicted to relaying eye-popping imagery wherever it comes from and whatever it shows,
03:09as this shocking footage of the recent Taiwan air disaster makes clear.
03:13As a consequence, the slickly crafted video output of ISIS has effectively turned swathes of the Western media
03:18into an unofficial jihadist propaganda distribution network.
03:22It all conspires to make you feel absolutely helpless.
03:24To feel less helpless, you could get the inside track by watching informative current affairs shows like Newsnight.
03:30They didn't quite get an interview from someone from ISIS, but they did speak to an expert from an anagram of ISIS, IISS.
03:35I wouldn't be surprised if we're looking at 10 to 15 years of instability and insecurity in Iraq, in Syria, in parts of North Africa.
03:45The guy from the IISS says, ISIS, ISIS, any other crisis?
03:49Whereas I says, let's see what CSIS says vis-a-vis ISIS so we can assess this.
03:54The US can probably bring in the air power if the president decides to take that risk.
03:59See, CSIS says we've got to seize this if we're going to seize this.
04:03That's his thesis, that we're all in the faeces.
04:13Entertainment and movie buffs rejoice as Britain gets its first 4DX cinema,
04:17which transforms the cinema-going experience forever.
04:20Instead of sitting through a shit and awful modern film, you'll physically suffer through a shit and awful modern film,
04:25while the cinema itself jolts you back and forth in a desperate bid to keep you awake.
04:29You know, like films used to, back in the days when they had stories.
04:33As well as shaking the audience around like gawping skittles on a Vietnamese bus,
04:36the 4DX system puffs out smoke, sprays you with water, emits smells from a backstage depository,
04:42and even releases bubbles.
04:43You know, for all those films with bubbles in, like Indiana Jones.
04:47And the bubble hand man.
04:51Anyway, the initial test drives proved exciting, as all the news channels were keen to point out.
04:56Beauty glasses.
04:57Let's start the effects.
04:59Oh, but hang on. Am I going to get wet?
05:01I suppose it depends on what kind of film you're watching.
05:03One film, sadly unavailable in 4DX, is erotic beat-em-up Fifty Shades of Grey.
05:08Cinemas across the land are preparing to fling their hot red doors wide open
05:12for this movie adaptation of one of the finest works of clitorature of our age.
05:16As the finely crafted trailer makes clear, it's a love story
05:19in which innocent young Anastasia Steele shacks up with sadomasochistic dreamboat Christian Grey.
05:24He's a sort of Lego Colin Firth, who initially seems like any other pursuited piss hat,
05:28but it transpires he has predilections,
05:31as becomes apparent when he pops up in Anastasia Steele's DIY store,
05:34in what closely resembles a Two Ronnies tribute.
05:37Do you start cable ties?
05:38No, but we've got four candles.
05:40In fact, Grey has a secret red room filled with objects you can either smack someone with
05:44or push up your arse, which describes absolutely any room, come to think of it.
05:48Most sex films cater to male fantasies, so even if Fifty Shades is rubbish,
05:52it's at least notable that it revolves around female sex fantasies.
05:56It's more of a bean flick than a chick flick,
05:58but if that's vaguely progressive, the unofficial tie-ins aren't,
06:00a glaring example being this ad for washing liquid flirty shades of surf.
06:04Hi, we're the surf household heroes to celebrate the new flirty shades of surf fragrance.
06:10Don't know what surf's got to do with, say, the masochistic sex.
06:13Maybe you can use it as a lubricant.
06:14Naturally, the film's imminent release didn't go unnoticed by Housewives' favourite
06:18and Brunchtime Buzzfeed simulator this morning,
06:20which used it as an excuse to do a cheerful item on specialist f***ing equipment.
06:24Good morning.
06:25On the show today, we open the bedroom door and unlock the secrets between the sheets
06:29with a lowdown on a range of toys that you might not normally admit to owning.
06:33Well, I, for one, love my Pippo Schofield collection, and I don't care who knows it.
06:37Instead, a bunch of adult fun products were examined in detail
06:40and demonstrated live on air in a kind of QVC BDSMOMFG.
06:45Now, this is USB rechargeable, so it's brilliant
06:47because you don't need to worry about replacing the batteries.
06:50Yeah, but on the downside, you do have to worry about getting tubes in your USB socket.
06:55The pervy gizmos ran the full gamut,
06:57from vanilla old eye masks to, for God's sake, pull this thing out of me.
07:01There were also hot amateur reviews from actual readers' wives.
07:04I rate these six out of ten.
07:06If you like pain, you'll love these, but they are painful.
07:10And there were handy hints, like the importance of safe words.
07:12It's very, very important that both partners are fully into it
07:16and that you settle on a safe word,
07:18so if it ever gets a bit too much or you decide you don't like it,
07:21say your safe word and you both know that that means stop.
07:24It's funny, really, because the word stop doesn't count as a safe word, apparently.
07:27It has to be something you'd never normally say during sex, like Schofield!
07:31The undisputed high point, which was sadly slightly off-camera,
07:33came when Pip Schofield tested a nipple clamp on himself.
07:37Ah!
07:39Ah, there's a proper grip on those!
07:41I actually had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming,
07:43which really turned me on.
07:45Ooh!
07:46Ooh, solo BDSM.
07:48Ooh, I'm a naughty boy.
07:49Ooh!
07:50Ow!
07:51Ow!
07:51Oh, stop!
07:52Oh!
07:53Ow, stop it!
07:53Ow!
07:54Ow!
07:55Schofield!
07:56Schofield!
07:57I'll tell you what's a worry.
07:58The economy.
07:59I mean, the recovery can't be going brilliant
08:01if the biggest business story of the past week
08:03has been Poundland buying 99 P stores for 55 million.
08:06That's a heck of a mark-up.
08:08And the 99 P stores already got a rival snapping at its heels.
08:11Now, what would you say is the main difference
08:13between you and the 99 P stores?
08:15There's a one P less...
08:17Money is just not what it was.
08:19A few years ago, everyone in the world was loaded
08:22and into this sort of bling stuff.
08:25But then the computers crashed and all the money was deleted.
08:29So now, there's nowhere near as much as there was.
08:32It mainly affected money outside the banks
08:34because they'd backed most of those up
08:37so they could still print it out on banknotes.
08:40But the rest of us have to do austerity
08:43until our money comes back, which has taken ages.
08:46Basically, with austerity, you spend less on stuff you don't need,
08:50like art installations or pavements.
08:53Not everyone's into it.
08:54Like, the disabled keep moaning about the benefits being taken away,
08:58but they can still make money by doing Paralympics
09:00or getting mugged outside their own home.
09:02It's hard to care about austerity
09:04because it's not like a tornado or an explosion
09:07where you can see pictures of it on the news and go,
09:09Oh, dear, that's their life's ruined,
09:12and then rewind it and watch it again.
09:14Austerity is sort of invisible, like a gas,
09:18but a gas that kills money.
09:20And there's not much to show on the news
09:22except things that are closed or sort of maths things
09:25or food banks, which are like NatWest for peas.
09:28Oxfam says the wealthiest 1%
09:31will soon own more than the rest of the world's population.
09:34I suppose it's a bit gutting
09:36seeing the 1% people put up the nice tall, pointy buildings
09:40while everyone else is sort of coughing to death
09:42in Nacogdole hospitals on the ground.
09:45But with a lot of the 1%ers,
09:46it's not their fault they're in the 1%.
09:48They were just born there.
09:50They've literally done nothing to put themselves in the 1%,
09:53so picking on them is literally the same as racism.
09:57Since the money crisis began,
09:59loads of European countries have been skinned,
10:01but Greece, right, got totally skinned.
10:04So basically, Germany lent them loads of money
10:06like Wonga being German, which is Wonga.
10:10The Greek economy had to undergo IMF treatment
10:13and do tonnes of austerity.
10:15Like, really, austerity the fuck out of itself.
10:18After a while, they didn't want to keep up the repayments,
10:21so they invented a new government who didn't believe in money.
10:24There's uncertainty in Europe tonight
10:26after Greece voted in an anti-austerity government.
10:29After the Greeks stopped believing in money,
10:31the Spanish stopped believing in it too.
10:32And now the Eurozone people are worried
10:34everyone might stop believing in it and it'll disappear
10:37and we'll have to barter with, like, sticks or, like,
10:41I don't know, handfuls of soil instead of using bank cards,
10:44which would be tragic,
10:45cos they've only just invented that contactless payment thing.
10:48They said austerity left Greece devastated,
10:52but it's hard to tell because the footage was all people sitting around
10:56and things looking a bit half-finished
10:58and political graffiti on the walls,
11:00which is what Greece looked like anyway back in 2002
11:03when I went there with my mate Paul.
11:06He fell off a scooter and took all the skin off his palms.
11:09That's not relevant, but it's stuck in my head
11:12and I don't think the sight of it will ever leave me, to be honest.
11:14As Greece's freshly elected government goes head-to-head with the Eurozone,
11:18all eyes are on Greek finance minister Yanis Varoufakis,
11:22not because he's a pivotal figure, but because he looks cool as shit.
11:25Welcome to the eye of the European storm.
11:32This is Greece, formerly associated with carefree fun in the sun.
11:37But more recently, the skies have darkened
11:39and we're now being told that this place is threatening to bring down with it
11:43the whole of the European continent.
11:45Yes, it's Yanis Varoufakis, the coolest politician in the world.
11:49I mean, look at him.
11:50He doesn't even wear a tie.
11:52And he looks like a murderer.
11:53That's cool.
11:54And he rides a motorbike.
11:55He's like the Terminator, but for Greek debt.
11:58The pay-you-later.
11:59He's also got his own Twitter account,
12:01a blog about how money doesn't really exist,
12:03and he's got a devoted following of groupies.
12:05He's the Liam-off One Direction of Greek finance ministers.
12:08But Europe seems scared of him,
12:10possibly because he looks a bit like a Bond villain.
12:13He dresses like a Bond villain,
12:14he grins like a Bond villain,
12:16and he sounds like a Bond villain.
12:18My message to our German friends,
12:20and indeed to all Europeans,
12:22is that no hand will be overplayed.
12:25And now, Mr Bond, I expect you to yield.
12:28Varoufakis has been complaining about austerity ever since the 90s
12:31when he dressed like a backing dancer from a Paula Abdul video.
12:34We have a much higher deficit than we had in 89,
12:37and a great deal of pain in terms of a reduction in living standards.
12:42More recently, he's been muttering dire warnings about Nazis,
12:45actual Nazis, i.e. Golden Dawn here,
12:48who came third in the Greek elections
12:49and might benefit should Syriza fall.
12:52His mention of Nazis added a bit of spicy historical beef
12:55to the economic standoff between Greece and Germany.
12:57To wear my historical hat for a moment,
12:59back in World War II, Germany occupied Greece.
13:02Hundreds of thousands of people died,
13:04and the Nazis drew a forced loan from the Bank of Greece.
13:07Well, the new Greek government claims that debt
13:09has never been fully paid back.
13:11Anyway, recently, Varoufakis has been out and about,
13:13looking cool, touring Europe,
13:15to tell financial bigwigs he wants a negotiation
13:17over Greeks' crippling debts.
13:19I'm not quite sure what his strategy is,
13:20but I think it chiefly involves trying to convince everyone in Europe
13:23that money doesn't actually exist.
13:24And he's so frugal that when he travels,
13:26he carries his own luggage, he flies economy,
13:28and he avoids roaming charges by only using an imaginary phone.
13:32And I have to tell you, you know, I'm a great BBC fan.
13:36I've never listened to such an inaccurate report.
13:39Yes, Varoufakis is the man of the moment.
13:41When he visited the UK, even our anchors sounded impressed.
13:44The man who could yet bring down the euro,
13:46the new Greek finance minister,
13:48rocked up in Downing Street today in biker boots and a leather jacket.
13:51Sure enough, as ITN skilfully depicted,
13:53he's so cool and austere,
13:55he'd walked all the way there from Greece,
13:56dressed like a cool bin man, to fool the TV cameras.
13:59In fact, this cameraman filmed the rather more plausible
14:02pursuited official walking up Downing Street to meet George Osborne.
14:07As soon as he was indoors, he looked comfortable and at home,
14:09much more so than George,
14:10as he patiently explained to Osborne that money doesn't exist,
14:13therefore being chancellor is a waste of f***ing time.
14:16News that didn't seem to go down too well with Gideon here.
14:19Well, it's clear that the standoff between Greece and the eurozone
14:22is fast becoming the biggest risk to the global economy
14:25and it's a rising threat to our economy at home.
14:27Yeah, it doesn't matter, mate. Money isn't real anyway.
14:30I read it on a blog in Greek.
14:32I can read Greek.
14:34Anyway, having thoroughly spooked Gideon,
14:36Varoufakis slightly undermined his cool guy image
14:38when he left without his leather coat.
14:40Although, come to think of it,
14:40he'd probably sold it to someone indoors for 20 euros,
14:43which will probably be enough to buy Athens in a few weeks.
14:46Privacy is a hot topic right now
14:49because Samsung has warned owners of its smart TV
14:52to watch what they say while sitting in front of it
14:54because, unlike your family, it actually listens to you.
14:57Someone else who's concerned about privacy,
14:59especially internet privacy,
15:00is typical YouTube vlogger Zeb,
15:03who's here to enliven us
15:05with some of his young online views.
15:09Take it away, Zeb.
15:10Hi gang, Zeb here, just saying hello.
15:16Hi!
15:17So, the other day, I read this thing
15:19about David Cameron's plans
15:21to let the government snoop on, like,
15:22everything you do on the internet,
15:23which seems sort of nosy.
15:26Anyway, I started doing a ukulele protest jam about it.
15:29Then I had some toast.
15:30Then I did a bit more jamming.
15:32And I had a little think.
15:34And I thought,
15:35I'll do this upload you're watching now
15:36about why privacy is so cool.
15:38Privacy's cool
15:41because it lets you do, like, private things.
15:43Like, my parents used to follow me on Twitter
15:45and they were always eavesdropping on what I said
15:48and being all parent-y.
15:50That wasn't totally mum's fault.
15:51She's kind of a downer
15:53and sometimes does stuff like lying in bed all day
15:56with the door and curtains shut.
15:58Mum, what's for tea?
16:00Hello?
16:01Oh, cheer up.
16:03It's blatantly one of the top five reasons
16:05why I moved out when I finally got my book advance.
16:07Mum doesn't like to talk about the crying in bed stuff
16:10and that's what's private for her
16:12and I respect that.
16:13But on the other hand,
16:15what I say on Twitter
16:16is private between me and my followers.
16:19So, I blocked her.
16:21Which was really hard for me
16:22so I did an upload about how I felt.
16:25So, what's the point in having a mum sometimes,
16:26you know what I mean?
16:27I don't mean that horribly.
16:29I just...
16:29And that got loads of likes
16:32so I followed it up with another one.
16:33I'm just sick of it.
16:35And when she is awake,
16:36she's in my ear all the time.
16:38And then Dad showed up in the comments
16:41which was a total violation of privacy
16:43so I reported him for spam
16:45because sometimes privacy is a right
16:47you have to fight for.
16:48I did one of my epic rants
16:49about that a few weeks ago actually.
16:51He's as bad as mum.
16:52Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah.
16:54Don't worry if you missed it
16:55because I've shot a sort of higher tech version of it
16:57for that new ITV2 show I'm in next week.
17:00House of Tuba.
17:01God, shut up!
17:02The pair are you!
17:03She's just leaving me alone!
17:05Oh, my, my, my, my.
17:05It's sort of made in Chelsea for vloggers.
17:09I've already seen the rough cut
17:10and it's sick.
17:12The production dudes asked me not to upload it here
17:14because it's private to them
17:15until it goes out
17:16so of course I said yes
17:17because privacy rules.
17:19And that's why I say no to the Snoopers Charter.
17:22Don't forget to subscribe for my channel
17:24for 58 uploads a day,
17:25seven days a week.
17:26Thanks for watching.
17:27Bye!
17:28While austerity swirls around
17:30as TV is encouraging viewers
17:32to tighten their belts
17:33with shows like Eat Well For Less
17:34in which Masterchef's Greg Wallace
17:36and TV greengrocer Chris Babin
17:38is trying to stop regular folk
17:39overspending in the supermarket.
17:41Greg Wallace is a good choice for this show
17:43because he reminds you
17:44of the cheapest food there is,
17:45the potato.
17:46And his sidekick Chris
17:47is a cheeky chappy,
17:48a sort of dapper Sprouts.
17:50Would you be happy with it
17:50if it came in a black box
17:52or a pink box
17:52or a polka dot box?
17:54It doesn't matter to me
17:55what kind of box it comes in.
17:56I can't help thinking
17:57that Cockney Twosome
17:58is wasted in this format.
17:59They could be a pair
18:00of new Mitchell brothers
18:01walking into the Queen Vic,
18:02not slouching around Tesco
18:04moaning about the sinister conspiracy
18:05of great big labels
18:06telling you how much things cost.
18:08Why are they telling me
18:09so boldly that that is £2?
18:11Because it must be good value.
18:12I've come in
18:13and I've never meant
18:14to buy strawberries
18:15and now I'm buying them
18:16because it's got
18:17a big red sticker on it.
18:18Yeah, f***ing manipulative
18:19supermarket bastards.
18:20You know what,
18:21next they'll be giving you
18:22some sort of cage on wheels
18:23to make it easy
18:23to carry those strawberries around.
18:25Devious f***ers.
18:27Greg and Chris
18:27are down the supermarket
18:29to lurk in the background
18:30as this week's family
18:31do their regular shop,
18:32which generally consists
18:33of them thoughtlessly
18:34lobbing produce
18:34into their trolleys
18:35without giving a fig
18:36for the financial consequences.
18:38Howard's impulsive habits
18:39have the food bills
18:40racking up.
18:42I've heard of that.
18:43Sumac.
18:44I've no idea what it is
18:45or what you'd use it for.
18:47I'll go for it.
18:48This wanton, decadent spending
18:50on the likes of frozen sausages
18:51outrages the Mitchell brothers,
18:53as well it might.
18:54What's that?
18:54What's that?
18:55Is that frozen sausages?
18:57We usually have
18:58three bags in the freezer.
18:59Two are on standby.
19:00How many bags
19:01in the freezer, Jenny?
19:02Three.
19:04Oh!
19:04How many sausages
19:06are the family going through?
19:07Then they trail them
19:08all the way home
19:09and before the family
19:10can unpack their
19:11thousand bags of sausages,
19:12Greg and Chris
19:13perform a full audit
19:14on their kitchen,
19:15apparently getting wound up
19:16at what they discover
19:17is already there.
19:19Greg, this is full of stuff.
19:21They've just been a ball.
19:23You're kidding me.
19:24That is a full-up fridge.
19:25This is what it should look like
19:27after you've been shopping.
19:28Oh, those wasteful f***s.
19:30They are worse than Isis.
19:32Or should I say,
19:33rice-is.
19:35Crying out loud.
19:36We really, really need
19:38this much rice.
19:39They'd be much better off
19:40buying a great big
19:42two, three kilo bag of rice.
19:45You know, I hope
19:45Craig's only pretending
19:46to be angry about
19:47what's in someone else's cupboards.
19:49If he's really this furious
19:50about it, it's a disturbing
19:51mental condition.
19:52It makes more sense
19:53to shoot John Lennon
19:54because you've read
19:54Catcher in the Rhyme
19:55than it does to be angry
19:56about the amount of beans
19:57in someone else's kitchen.
19:59Beans!
20:00Beans!
20:01Beans!
20:03Beans!
20:04There's beans everywhere!
20:06And that might be
20:07a crazy concept to them.
20:08Go to the supermarket,
20:09buy some food
20:10and eat it!
20:11Having been infuriated
20:13by the contents of the kitchen,
20:14they stage a baked bean
20:15tintervention,
20:16confronting the couple
20:17with the financial insanity
20:18of their spending habits.
20:20Over the course of a year,
20:21it comes to about
20:23£13,000.
20:24That is an incredible amount of money.
20:26That's terrible.
20:27That's not funny.
20:28No.
20:28Hmm.
20:29Tell you what, mate,
20:29cheer yourself up.
20:30Have a spoonful of sumac
20:31and a sausage.
20:32Now, this point,
20:33at which the family realise
20:34they should maybe
20:35make their money go further,
20:36should really be
20:37the end of the show,
20:38but it isn't,
20:38because the BBC
20:39has to make its licence fee money
20:40go further.
20:41So the programme keeps going,
20:43stretching a five-minute piece
20:44into a 58-minute epic.
20:45So there's item after item,
20:47some bits involving the family,
20:48some bits of consumer reportage.
20:50You're going to show me
20:51how to make orange juice
20:53from concentrate?
20:54Yes.
20:55Reviews of different tea bags.
20:56It was a bit tangy,
20:57but I think it had a flavour.
21:00Basic cookery advice.
21:01Three cuts in there.
21:04Three or four down like that.
21:06And bits where there's
21:07absolutely nothing to do,
21:08but they have to just fill in anyway,
21:10because the cameraman's
21:10apparently paid by the day
21:12and not the hour.
21:13Got to be a bit Italian, Howard.
21:14Sing some Italian songs.
21:16Onions, onions,
21:17what you going to do?
21:19Onions, onions.
21:21For me and you.
21:24This is just like
21:24being in jail with these people.
21:26I've eaten economy sausages
21:27with less filler than this.
21:29Come to think of it,
21:30this is just like an economy sausage.
21:31It's cheap, mass-produced,
21:33and it contains chunks of meat
21:34of dubious origin.
21:36Anyway, by the end,
21:37the family has learned
21:38to live within its means
21:39and everyone's learned
21:39a thing or two about thrift.
21:41That's a great saving.
21:42That's a keep for me.
21:44But perhaps the biggest lesson
21:45in thrift is how to make
21:46a spare presenter you've got
21:47in the cupboard go a long way,
21:48because the BBC is certainly
21:50getting the most out
21:51of Greg Wallace.
21:52As well as Eat Well for Less,
21:53they make him judge meals
21:54in the supertense MasterChef.
21:56He stir fries whatever that is
21:57in the entertaining
21:58British food revival.
21:59He jigs around
22:00on the glamorous
22:01Strictly Come Dancing.
22:02He takes part in
22:03sick nine and a half weeks
22:04tributes in the
22:05scintillating magic show
22:06The Magicians.
22:07He enlivens an otherwise
22:09dry money programme
22:10with his barking.
22:11I'm Greg Wallace
22:12and I want to know
22:13how the downturn
22:13is changing the way we eat.
22:15He speaks to potential
22:16relatives in the moving
22:17Who Do You Think You Are?
22:18My name's Greg Wallace.
22:20He's a bit of cheerful
22:21table padding
22:22on the Hootenanny.
22:22Greg Wallace and Deborah
22:23Meadon here at this table here.
22:25He's a guest panellist
22:26on Would I Lie to You?
22:27Greg Wallace!
22:29He's listing pet hates
22:30on the Laugh a Minute Room 101.
22:31Joining me tonight
22:32are MasterChef's Greg Wallace.
22:34He's a welcome presence
22:35on the Warm and Cuddly
22:36Great British Bake Off
22:37an extra slice.
22:38Greg Wallace!
22:40He keeps the sofa warm
22:42on the Pleasant The One show.
22:43Guests don't get
22:44much better than this.
22:45No, it's John Therode
22:46and Greg Wallace.
22:47Yeah!
22:48He waddles around
22:49with things dangling
22:50from his scrotum
22:50in the eye-popping
22:51shooting stars.
22:52Try him down
22:53in his mouth, Greg.
22:54It's sugar, boo.
22:55I hope it's this.
22:57No!
22:58Even when he's not
22:59physically present
23:00he's still there.
23:01He's used as a visual
23:02reference on the
23:02arresting crime watch.
23:04He looks a little
23:04like MasterChef's
23:06Greg Wallace.
23:06They mention him
23:07on uplifting
23:08daytime soap Doctors.
23:09You're the one
23:10who pervs over Greg Wallace
23:11and stares at pictures
23:11of food on the internet.
23:13Well, not at Sheep's Nugget.
23:15He's likened
23:15to a contestant
23:16on Pointless.
23:17It's like Greg Wallace
23:18looked at home.
23:19What do you reckon with that?
23:20Greg Wallace, yeah?
23:21Yeah, I can see that.
23:22He brightens up
23:23the odd one-out round
23:24of Have I Got News For You.
23:25John Dunn,
23:26Greg Wallace
23:27and Thor.
23:29He's the subject
23:29of a question
23:30on the tense game show
23:31Perfection.
23:32TV's Greg Wallace
23:33is a qualified rugby coach.
23:34Is that true
23:35or false?
23:37It's true.
23:38Good bit of knowledge
23:39there, Gary.
23:40He's the subject
23:40of a question
23:41on glitzy quiz show
23:42Break the Safe.
23:43Greg Wallace.
23:43It's correct.
23:44He's the subject
23:45of a question
23:45on glitzy game show
23:46Break Away.
23:47Which Australian chef
23:48co-presents MasterChef
23:50with Greg Wallace?
23:51And he's casually discussed
23:52on the cosy
23:52Celebrity Antiques road trip.
23:54Who was your judge?
23:55John Turod
23:56and Greg Wallace.
23:57Oh, Greg Wallace.
23:58Gosh.
23:59Yeah.
24:00Say what you like
24:00about the licence fee,
24:01you can't complain
24:02about how much
24:02Greg Wallace
24:03you get for your money.
24:04Valentine's Day
24:05is nearly upon us.
24:06I'll tell you
24:06what would be a really
24:07good show to watch
24:08on Valentine's Day.
24:09Dinner date.
24:10Look at it.
24:10Brilliant.
24:11So romantic.
24:12But could it be
24:13even more brilliant
24:14if it was compressed down
24:15and performed against
24:15the clock
24:16by Mr. Jake Yap?
24:17Well, yes,
24:18it could.
24:19Here he is.
24:19I'm a generic,
24:25non-threatening
24:26northern voiceover
24:27introducing a completely
24:28original format
24:29without precedent
24:30in television history
24:31that isn't in any way
24:32a dining contest
24:33with a dating element
24:34nailed onto it.
24:35Let's meet Brian Bland
24:36from the Midlands.
24:37We'll choose from
24:38five menus
24:39with heavily flagged clues
24:40to the depressed
24:41dates behind them.
24:42Menu number one
24:43has a starter
24:44of Princess Pink
24:45Cat Lady
24:46and Waiting Calamari
24:47followed by
24:47Needy Fish Pie
24:49and a dessert
24:49of Why Am I Crying
24:51Salted Caramel Cheesecake.
24:52Menu number two
24:53has exotic
24:54fried plantains
24:55followed by
24:56Token Jerk Chicken
24:57and Spicy Jollof Rice
24:59with a dessert
24:59called Iron Black
25:00OK Mango Parfait.
25:02Let's go to our first day
25:04in a soulless house
25:05on a new-build estate
25:06in Leicester
25:06decorated by Homebase
25:08with Dance Like No One's Watching
25:10stenciled on the wall
25:11where Sue is preparing
25:12her starter of
25:13Get Up and Go
25:13grilled lettuce
25:14followed by
25:15I might be 38
25:16but there's still hope
25:17if I work out
25:18enough fat-free
25:18cabbage salsa
25:19and a warm air pudding.
25:21Bing-bong
25:21goes to the door
25:22I brought this for you.
25:23Oh that's nice.
25:24Yeah.
25:24Come through.
25:25Thanks.
25:26Time to make a few
25:27sardonic and unfunny
25:28comments in voiceover.
25:29Again, a fresh take
25:31on dining competition
25:32television
25:32and a bit too
25:33over-reliant on phrases
25:34like
25:34As you do
25:35and
25:36That'll be the salt then
25:37as we watch them
25:38brokenly stagger
25:39through the evening
25:39play-acting at adulthood
25:41like children
25:41abandoned in a Romanian
25:43orphanage.
25:43What's the verdict?
25:44I'll give her
25:45one and a half stars.
25:46I'll give him
25:46one and a half stars.
25:48Repeat times three
25:49and now
25:49Brian must choose
25:50which one to take
25:51on a date
25:52in the Poncey Bistro
25:53up the road
25:53and which two
25:54and this is where
25:55the format really
25:56bursts into life
25:57will get a ready-made meal
25:58to microwave.
25:59Spectacular finale!
26:00And look at that
26:01he's picked the black lady
26:02because she least resembles
26:04whoever he was last
26:05living with
26:05possibly his ex-wife
26:06but probably his mother.
26:08Bye!
26:08Democracy and Sky News
26:17emboldens the voting process
26:19with some stand-up
26:20and be counted
26:20democracy in action
26:21type bumwash
26:22in which young people
26:23got to blatantly
26:24ask the leaders
26:25bare questions.
26:26The young are
26:27always asking questions
26:28mainly because of
26:29that stupid
26:29rising cadence
26:30thing they do
26:31where everything's
26:32a question
26:32because they're insecure
26:34stupid little bastards.
26:36The event was held
26:36at Facebook's
26:37London HQ.
26:38You know
26:38Facebook
26:39the social network
26:40young people associate
26:40with their parents
26:41and because it was
26:42for young people
26:43they had young people
26:44things there
26:44to keep the young
26:45people occupied.
26:46Ping pong table here
26:47they're going to
26:47bat those questions
26:48back and forth
26:49this is a breakout area
26:51as young people call it
26:52apparently in trendy
26:53parlance these days.
26:54Table football there!
26:56Will any of the leaders
26:56today score an own goal?
26:59Jesus
26:59how are you going to
27:00patronise them next?
27:01What?
27:01Give them a sweet shop
27:02I write
27:02yeah you have.
27:03How compelling was she?
27:04For me personally
27:05she was an inspiration.
27:06The youth of today
27:07aren't moved by politics
27:08although you could see
27:09them being moved
27:10by members of the
27:10production team.
27:11The leaders were being
27:12quizzed by average
27:13everyday young folk
27:14only around 75% of whom
27:16seemed to be wearing
27:16glasses.
27:17Because it was for young folk
27:18it was styled like a
27:19late 90s zoo TV format
27:21or nosing around
27:22two references
27:23they won't understand.
27:24Still on its own
27:25the decor might not
27:26look too cool
27:27but the moment
27:27David Cameron strode in
27:28the set instantly became
27:29200 times cooler
27:30by comparison.
27:31Thank you David Cameron
27:33that's a round of applause
27:33for Prime Minister
27:34Thank you very much.
27:35In the event Cameron
27:36managed to just about
27:37withstand his burning
27:38compulsion to assume
27:39reptilian form and
27:40devour the nearest
27:41bystander in front of
27:42horrified onlookers.
27:43Coping equally well
27:44with the creche-like vibe
27:45was supersonic
27:46Sid Miliband
27:47who found himself
27:47interviewed by Sky's
27:48youth-friendly
27:49selfie stick interviewer.
27:50That's your first
27:51selfie stick interview?
27:52It's my first
27:53selfie stick interviewer.
27:54Ed doesn't have a
27:55selfie stick of his own
27:56but then he doesn't
27:57really have a self.
27:58Anyway the high point
27:59came when a member
27:59of the ORDS
28:00that's youth speak
28:01for audience
28:01asked Ed Miliband
28:02how authentic a person
28:03he really is.
28:04Outside of politics
28:05what experience do you
28:06have, what life
28:07experience do you
28:08have to associate
28:09and indicate that
28:10you should be the
28:10one to represent
28:11the people of Britain?
28:12Well I've done a
28:13number of things
28:14which I think
28:15I hope are relevant
28:16to this.
28:17So I was obviously
28:18an economic advisor
28:19in the Treasury
28:20and I think that's
28:21important.
28:22Might be important
28:22Ed but the question
28:23was outside of politics?
28:25I've taught.
28:26Oh okay.
28:26I taught at Harvard
28:27University.
28:28Ah no not
28:29normal.
28:29I actually taught
28:30around government
28:30and economics.
28:31That's politics again.
28:32And I think that
28:33actually one of the
28:34things that that did
28:35for me being able
28:36to teach was actually
28:39the ability to be
28:40able I hope to listen
28:41and engage with people.
28:42Well you didn't listen
28:43and engage when he
28:44asked you not to
28:44mention politics.
28:45I also go back to
28:46this which is about
28:47what politics is about.
28:48Stop saying politics.
28:50Because I think this
28:50is the big, you know
28:51this is a really
28:52important issue.
28:53Why am I in politics
28:54you might wonder.
28:55Can you not stop?
28:57Stop!
28:57Schofield!
28:59Well that's all
29:00we've got time for
29:01this week.
29:02Until next time
29:02go away.
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