- 9 hours ago
Have I Got News for You S70 E09
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00:00You're not wearing a dog collar?
00:01Oh, well noticed, though.
00:02Yeah, I'm going commando these days.
00:04LAUGHTER
00:06Richard and I go back a long way.
00:08We were in the communards together.
00:09LAUGHTER
00:17Still a bastard.
00:19LAUGHTER
00:30APPLAUSE
01:00Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
01:03I am Professor Hannah Frye.
01:04In the news this week, after several sherrys too many
01:08in Yates' wine lodge, Liz Truss tries to attack the landlord
01:11for telling her she's barred.
01:19In Teddington, security camera footage finally reveals
01:22the identity of a creepy peeping Tom.
01:25And in Cumbridge Wells, there is a delicious sense of irony
01:42as the head of South East Water has to empty his block drains himself.
01:46And...
01:49LAUGHTER
01:52APPLAUSE
01:54On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who found fame
01:57by making shorts on YouTube.
01:59To be clear, that is comedy films, not a sewing channel.
02:02Please welcome Sidney Christie.
02:04APPLAUSE
02:09On Paul's team tonight is a writer, retired vicar and former pop star
02:13who says he now sticks his money in ISIS rather than up his nose.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18The way things are going there, Richard, up your nose sounds far safer.
02:21Please welcome Reverend Richard Cole.
02:23APPLAUSE
02:24We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:26Ian and Finlay, here's yours.
02:27Hmm.
02:28New kind of AI.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30That's Pinocchio.
02:31Yes.
02:32And that's someone who does not lie.
02:33And this is the Prime Minister.
02:34It is.
02:35Is that the level that this quiz has reached?
02:36We are now asked to identify who the Prime Minister is?
02:38LAUGHTER
02:39Is this the fallout from the budget?
02:40It is the fallout from the budget, absolutely.
02:41Well, yes.
02:42The Chancellor has been accused of lying.
02:43Yes.
02:44Suggesting that things were worse with the economy than she said,
02:46and that gave her the chance to raise taxes and spend more money.
02:47She thought, yeah, the black hole was not as big as she thought,
02:51but to be fair, black holes are normally massive.
02:52LAUGHTER
02:53Absolutely right.
02:54The final OBR report on 31 October told Reeves that she was on course for a surplus of
02:57$4.2 billion, but four days later, she was already saying that she was
03:01going to be able to do less time, but the black hole was not as big as she thought.
03:04But, to be fair, black holes are normally massive.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:06Absolutely right.
03:07The final OBR report on 31 October told Reeves that she was on course for a
03:11surplus of $4.2 billion, but four days later, her last year, had a
03:15Absolutely right, the final OBR report on 31 October told Reeves
03:19that she was on course for a surplus of £4.2 billion,
03:23but four days later, she went on TV to tell us we're all doomed.
03:27Yes, and the extra money comes from the fact that she's given
03:30such large wage settlements to people, they have to pay taxes,
03:33so she's got more money than she thought she might have,
03:36which she didn't notice.
03:38So I think the answer is, put everybody's wages up endlessly.
03:42I'm not an economist.
03:49You see, populism is incredibly easy.
03:53So the economy is maybe not as bad as we thought,
03:56but what message of hope did the government have
03:59for young people this week?
04:01I didn't hear it.
04:03Surprised you missed this actually, Finlay, because Cabinet Office
04:07Minister Josh Simmonds said this week that the economic outlook
04:10for the under-50s is, frankly, shit.
04:16Apparently, I am going to be richer on a state pension at 106
04:21than you will be in your biggest earning year at 45,
04:25because you'll have to pay back so much interest on your student loan.
04:28If you had one.
04:29What are you getting paid for this show?
04:31Well, I mean, vicars have paid an absolute fortune.
04:36It's just loaded, all those years working for the C of E.
04:40How easy is it to be a vicar?
04:44If you look around at the bench of bishops,
04:47you'll see it's a very low bar indeed.
04:49I'm down. Listen, I'm... Fuck this.
04:55You've already got the lingo.
04:56Yeah.
05:05I think that the best response to the Budget actually came from
05:08Suffolk Police and Crime Commissioner, Tim Passmore.
05:11Oh, yeah.
05:12You know him?
05:13No.
05:14Oh.
05:15He's this guy.
05:16I've just been listening to the Budget
05:17and Rachel Reeves coming to you.
05:19And I'm getting fed up with more and more taxes
05:22on everything that is done.
05:24I think the tourist idea...
05:26The idea of a tourist tax is complete nonsense.
05:28We've got to control welfare spending
05:30and stop putting extra taxes up.
05:36He's a police commissioner.
05:38And a swinger, obviously.
05:42Up.
05:46See where the word up is placed.
05:50It's code.
05:52Quite easy to crack.
05:54Police commissioners are being scrapped, aren't they?
05:56Because they've been decided they're a waste of money.
05:58LAUGHTER
06:01And there he is proving his worth.
06:03Indeed.
06:04Out from the swings.
06:05Looking after our kids.
06:11Now, you made that joke up yourself.
06:14Your fault.
06:16Which Labour MP got in trouble this week?
06:18George Williams.
06:19No.
06:20No.
06:21I bet it sounded like it was a Labour MP though, didn't I?
06:23Yeah.
06:24Almost had me.
06:25Is this Tulip Sadiq?
06:26It is Tulip Sadiq.
06:27Oh, yeah.
06:28She's in trouble because she was found guilty of corruption
06:30in Bangladesh and sentenced to two years in jail.
06:34Here is Tulip Sadiq with her aunt and an awkward plus one.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:39David Lammy.
06:40Did he have any big news this week?
06:42Scrapping juries.
06:43Oh, yeah.
06:44Justice.
06:45There's a huge backlog in trials.
06:46Some people who have been charged now
06:48won't be tried for another five years.
06:50Absolutely.
06:51There's also another 12 prisoners that have been...
06:53Yes.
06:54Accidentally released.
06:55Mm.
06:56The last three weeks.
06:57So clumsy.
06:59Two of them, by the way, still at large.
07:01But he could halve that number if he just accepted that
07:04Bangladeshi extradition request.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:07But there's been a certain amount of debate about whether
07:12scrapping juries is a good idea.
07:14Hmm.
07:15Cos then it's just a judge.
07:16That's better, though, surely.
07:17Not in my experience.
07:18Really?
07:19LAUGHTER
07:20I'm quite keen on juries.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27They're just not keen on you, are they?
07:29No.
07:30Shame.
07:31Shame.
07:32I feel like there's no other job where, like,
07:34your job can be done by just 12 random people.
07:37We're going for surgery and then we've got a primary school teacher
07:41and a bin man.
07:43We're going to just bring them up to speed on how to do it.
07:46We really don't know much about the bishops of the Church of England.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:53Finally, what did Scottish Labour councillor Hanif Rajah
07:56try to get away with doing on a work Zoom call recently?
07:59He had nothing from the waist down.
08:01And Yodel came to the door and the rest is history.
08:03Yeah.
08:04That doesn't happen, obviously.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:08Do you want to see the clip?
08:11No, go on.
08:12Can you see the slide OK and hear me?
08:14Yes, thanks.
08:15Perfect.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:18Before we start, Bailey Raja, are you aware that your camera is live?
08:25LAUGHTER
08:31LAUGHTER
08:32Thing is, another councillor was shouting at him, log out, log out.
08:37And he was like, that's what I'm trying to do!
08:39APPLAUSE
08:45This is the news that, whether we are talking about OBR reports
08:48or prisoners, the government can't stop things being released too early.
08:51According to one poll on the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
08:54two-thirds of the public think Rachel Reeves should resign,
08:57to which a concerned Reeves remarked,
08:59blimey, that is nearly 50%.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:02One of those calling for Reeves' resignation
09:04was former Bank of England economist Andrew Sentence.
09:06Mm-hm.
09:08Although the full reasons why she should quit
09:09were laid out by his colleague, Chris Paragraph.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:11Defending her attacks on Rachel Reeves, Tory leader,
09:12Kemi Badenoch, said it wasn't her job to provide emotional support,
09:15something she regularly reminds her children.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:17LAUGHTER
09:18LAUGHTER
09:19Also this week, a Labour politician was seen sitting on the toilet
09:35after leaving his camera on during a meeting.
09:38Hanif Rajar is a councillor for Pollock Shields.
09:42Given the angle of that camera, he could have done with a pair of those.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:46LAUGHTER
09:49OK.
09:52Paul and Richard, here's yours.
09:55OK, there's Jeremy Corbyn, they're launching a new party.
09:58And there's the choices of names, Popular Alliance, Your Party,
10:01and this is... Which one of them is clapping in time?
10:04You can't really tell, can you?
10:06It's been quite chaotic, the launch of Your Party,
10:08as the name have settled on.
10:10They don't have one individual leader.
10:12There's a committee of people, isn't there,
10:14that's leading the party at the moment.
10:15Absolutely right.
10:16This is the newly formed Hard Left Party, Your Party,
10:19originally set up by Labour rebels Jeremy Corbyn and Zahra Sultana.
10:23Now, of course, the Hard Left, they hate being made fun of.
10:26So let's begin with a montage of the best bits of the conference.
10:31Fine.
10:32For the many, we must organise.
10:38Consider about it.
10:40Talked a lot about the toxic politics of the Labour Party,
10:43but I tell you there's some toxic politics in these sex.
10:45We are going to have to turn the mic off.
10:49Please speak to the option.
10:51I am speaking to the option.
10:53I am addressing people's concerns.
10:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:59No booing conference.
11:01If you behave badly and are unkind, there will be consequences.
11:08Oh, conference.
11:11Dear, dear, dear.
11:12Those were the highlights.
11:15What is the party called officially?
11:16Your Party.
11:17Yeah.
11:18Absolutely.
11:19And I'll cry if I want to.
11:20It's such a bad name, isn't it?
11:21The worst kind of party is one that you're having.
11:26Nobody wants...
11:27Oh, there's a party.
11:28Oh, where?
11:29Yours.
11:30It should be called someone else's party.
11:31Yeah.
11:32Calling it your party when the two leaders both think it's my party.
11:35Yeah.
11:36It's not good.
11:37But they had a vote and they've decided that neither of the two people
11:39who set up the party should sit on the committee that runs the party.
11:42The new party organisers, they didn't want to disintegrate into warring factions so soon.
11:44No.
11:45Oh, really?
11:46So they decided to reject anyone who they thought was a member of another party.
11:49So, the Socialist Workers' Party, the People's Front of Judea...
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53Although I think they were not welcome for other reasons.
11:55Yes.
11:56Yes.
11:57Yes.
11:58Yes.
11:59Yes.
12:00Yes.
12:01Yes.
12:02Yes.
12:03Yes.
12:04Yes.
12:05Yes.
12:06Yes.
12:07Yes.
12:08Yes.
12:09Yes.
12:10Yes.
12:11Yes.
12:12Yes.
12:13What are your party's members vulnerable to?
12:15Reality.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17Showers.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19Apparently being seduced by Zach Polanski.
12:24Oh, yeah.
12:25Oh, yeah.
12:26He's the Svengali of the Green Party.
12:28Yes, he was meant to be here tonight.
12:29He absolutely was, and then he chicken...
12:32Sorry, tofu'd out...
12:34LAUGHTER
12:36LAUGHTER
12:42Zach actually...
12:44When he was supposed to be coming on, he messaged me on Instagram.
12:47He was like, great to see we're on together on Have I Got News For You.
12:50He said, be nice to me and I'll be your friend.
12:54Go ahead, didn't say that to me.
12:57But, yeah, I think he was scared.
13:00I think that's why I didn't come.
13:02Stay ducking me, Zach, I'm coming for you.
13:05Yeah.
13:07I'm just learning to live with the fact that I'm the second choice
13:09after Zach Polanski.
13:12Well, third, actually.
13:14Sorry.
13:16Eddie the Eagle busy again.
13:18To be honest, we tried to get sooty.
13:20Yeah.
13:22And Roman Polanski.
13:24He always gets my gigs, bastard.
13:27In other news, what has former Conservative vice chairman
13:30and MP for Stoke-on-Trent, Jonathan Gullis, done?
13:33Joint reform.
13:34Correct.
13:35How welcoming has the reform party been to people like Jonathan Gullis?
13:39Well, they can afford to be very welcoming now,
13:41because they've just got nine million quid from that dodgy bloke
13:44who gave Boris Johnson a million quid and Boris Johnson gave him
13:47an £80 million defence contract, allegedly.
13:50Mm-hm.
13:51Mm-hm.
13:52Good luck with the jury.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:59What has Nigel Farage done almost 2,000 times in the last 12 months?
14:04Is it that thing on the way you pay someone to say hello
14:07on the internet thing?
14:08Exactly.
14:09Cameo.
14:10Cameo.
14:11Yes.
14:12How much does he cost?
14:13Yeah.
14:14Yeah.
14:15So, 2,000 times.
14:16What do you reckon?
14:17I could phone my agent is what I reckon.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:21Would you like to see one of his most famous ones?
14:23Yes, absolutely.
14:24Go on in.
14:25Happy birthday, Hugh Janus.
14:27I've heard you're a massive fan.
14:29APPLAUSE
14:352,000 of those in the last 12 months.
14:38Just says whatever people want him to say.
14:40And he does cameos as well.
14:41Would you...
14:42LAUGHTER
14:48This week, Nigel Farage produced letters from former schoolmates
14:52defending him from allegations that his banter was malicious.
14:55On the Today programme, Richard Tice was asked about Nigel Farage's
14:59relationship with Hitler.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02For the record, I don't think Farage has had much of a relationship
15:05with Hitler.
15:06I believe he's only read one of his books.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:09We should say Farage has denied all accusations of anti-Semitic bullying.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:16It was banter.
15:19Yeah.
15:20Surely you've seen that sort of banter.
15:22I think if Zach Polanski had come tonight, he would have agreed.
15:25Yeah.
15:26Yeah.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28This is the news that there is a new force on the far left.
15:32There were 2,500 delegates at the Your Party conference
15:35who had been selected via a lottery, advertised by the slogan,
15:39If you're really unlucky, it could be you.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:43And your party spokesperson said that the leadership model they wanted
15:46was not top-down but bottom-up.
15:48Hmm.
15:49But in the end, they arrived at a compromise.
15:51Tits-up.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:54APPLAUSE
15:56On to round two.
16:00Oh, yes.
16:01Backed by popular demand.
16:02Yes.
16:03This is the fishing mod of news.
16:05Backed by popular demand.
16:06LAUGHTER
16:07That's a straightforward Rachel Reeves.
16:09Yeah.
16:10How dare you?
16:11This has had an upgrade.
16:12We haven't seen the full special effect yet.
16:14Let's see the full special effect.
16:15Here we go.
16:16Here we go.
16:17Let's go fish some news, people.
16:18Fish some news, yeah.
16:19Oh, wrong way.
16:20Oh, hang on.
16:21It's broken.
16:22Here we go.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:26Well, that graphic didn't match what you were doing.
16:30That aside, this is a picture of a raccoon and it broke into somewhere,
16:35a bar, I think, fell through the ceiling,
16:37drunk all the liquor in the bar and fell asleep in the bathroom,
16:40completely pissed.
16:41Pissed as a raccoon.
16:42You are absolutely right.
16:44Left a trail of destruction, broken bottles all over the place
16:47and then, er, yeah, in the bathroom they found this.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:52LAUGHTER
16:57Credit for him having made it to the bathroom.
16:59I agree.
17:00Also, I think someone's left the bin out for him,
17:02just in case he wants to draw up with that instead.
17:04Do you know how he was dealt with by the investigator?
17:07Picks him up in a sack, threw him over the fence.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:15Did they ring his family and say,
17:16can you come and pick him up?
17:18Apparently, according to the investigator,
17:20we safely secured our masked bandit
17:22and transported him back to the shelter to sober up before questioning.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:28On the subject of animals behaving badly...
17:30Yes.
17:31Who has got beef with Peppa Pig's dad?
17:33It's David Gandy.
17:34It is David Gandy.
17:36I don't even know who he is, but I...
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39He looks so different to his great-grandad, Mahatma.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:43Yeah, he complained he said Peppa Pig's dad...
17:44Yeah.
17:45..is a very poor role model.
17:46Mm, he did.
17:47From what?
17:48As a pig.
17:49Yeah.
17:50He's a fictional cartoon pig.
17:51How can he be a role model for anybody?
17:52David Gandy called Daddy Pig a useless fool.
17:54He said...
17:55He said he makes fathers look pathetic
17:56and gives children the wrong idea about men.
17:57This is...
17:58But it's a pig!
17:59I mean, sure.
18:00Fictional cartoon pig!
18:01There's a long tradition in comedy of useless and incapable of men.
18:03It's cos he doesn't, like, you know, go gym and, I don't know, drink huel.
18:08That's...
18:09He needs to be...
18:10That's what men want as role models, right?
18:11He doesn't want to be a role model.
18:12He's a fictional cartoon pig.
18:13How can he be a role model for anybody?
18:14How can he be a role model for anybody?
18:15David Gandy called Daddy Pig a useless fool.
18:16He said he makes fathers look pathetic and gives children the wrong idea about men.
18:17This is a...
18:18But he's a pig!
18:19I mean, sure.
18:20Fictional cartoon pig!
18:21I mean, sure.
18:22There's a long tradition in comedy of useless and incapable of men.
18:24Yeah.
18:25That's... He needs to be... That's what men want as role models now.
18:29It's not a kind world, is it?
18:32Erm... Listen... That's a general point.
18:35Get used to it.
18:39Sunshine.
18:47Who is Peppa Pig's biggest fan, though? Oh, Boris Johnson.
18:50Absolutely Boris Johnson, or at least he used to be.
18:53Yeah, he used to quote Peppa Pig in major economic speeches.
18:56He did.
18:57If only we had someone of that stature nowadays.
19:00There's a recent Telegraph podcast, though, he sounds a bit more jaded.
19:05OK.
19:06I've got four children under five, which is a lot.
19:08I know. Are you all right?
19:10How much Peppa Pig are you watching right now?
19:12Peppa.
19:20Four children?
19:22Yeah.
19:24I used to...
19:25More like...
19:32Yeah.
19:33Come on.
19:34Yeah.
19:35We're there.
19:36What did a children's TV programme inspire Wayne Rooney to do recently?
19:40I think I saw a photograph, but I can't think of what it was.
19:42On Radio 5 Live.
19:43Yes.
19:44He said that children's television had inspired him to get a vasectomy.
19:47Which character in particular do you know inspired Rooney to get the snip?
19:53Is this Peppa Pig's uncle who has a vasectomy in series four?
19:59Yeah.
20:00Apparently, it was Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
20:04Now, if you are too old to know who the tubby clown is, here he is.
20:10And this is Mr Tumble.
20:15There you go.
20:17This is the raccoon in Virginia that smashed several bottles of booze, got drunk and passed
20:21out in the toilet.
20:23Here is the raccoon trying to sleep it off.
20:25Aw.
20:26In fact, he only woke up when he found he was being used to clean the bowl.
20:30Oh.
20:31Supermodel David Gandhi says there aren't enough good examples for fathers to follow.
20:37Well, he certainly isn't one.
20:39No-one wants a dad who sits around in their pants all day.
20:42It's a very funny photograph.
20:44I wonder who stole my trousers.
20:52All right, fingers on buzzers.
20:53It's time to hook another one in.
20:55Er...
20:56Er...
20:57Er...
20:58Er...
21:03Let's say we don't know.
21:06Oh, it's talks between America and Russia.
21:09Russia doesn't want to give up any of its territory that it's won
21:12and Ukraine doesn't want Russia to have the territory that it's won
21:14and it's still going on.
21:15Absolutely.
21:16Do you know who turned up this week to try and sort it all out?
21:18Jared Kushner, Donald Trump's son-in-law.
21:20Mm-hm.
21:21And Steve Wyckoff as well.
21:22Yeah.
21:23Former real estate man.
21:24Mm.
21:25Yeah.
21:26Top-level diplomats.
21:27Yeah.
21:28Sent out to agree with...
21:29I mean, to...
21:31Negotiate with President Putin.
21:33And then they spent five hours locked in talks,
21:35after which Putin's foreign policy adviser,
21:38Yuri Ushakov...
21:39Hang on, let me...
21:41It doesn't matter, he'll get another one next week.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:47The foreign policy adviser told the press,
21:51peace is no closer but also no further away.
21:54Mm.
21:55But his reaction was positive.
21:57You know, they said, would you like peace in Ukraine?
21:59He said, I'd like to go to war with Europe.
22:01Mm.
22:02Mm.
22:03That's an advance.
22:05I think if Zack was here, he'd say that Trump should use nukes.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:12I think you've got his position nailed, haven't you?
22:15Yeah.
22:16Does anyone know what Steve Wyckoff's nickname is?
22:19Wiki.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21It's got to be witless, hasn't it?
22:23According to The Independent, Western intelligence regard
22:26Wyckoff as a Putin-loving liability, so they call him Dim Philby.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33What does Donald Trump have no idea about?
22:36Anything.
22:37LAUGHTER
22:38Do you want it in alphabetical order?
22:40LAUGHTER
22:41He had an MRI scan.
22:43Oh, yes.
22:44He doesn't know which part of his body was examined.
22:46Exactly.
22:47He said it was the best MRI that's ever been...
22:49Perfect.
22:50They said it was perfect.
22:51Let's hear it from Trump himself.
22:52Yeah.
22:53What part of your body was the MRI looking at you?
22:55I have no idea.
22:56It was just an MRI, what part of the body?
22:58It wasn't the brain, because I took incognitive test
23:01and I aced it.
23:02I got a perfect mark, which you would be incapable of doing.
23:05Bye, everybody.
23:06You too.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:12It's the respect for women that just shines out, isn't it?
23:15Well, I can't see how the pepper pig dad is a worse role
23:18more than before.
23:19LAUGHTER
23:20Also this week, Melania Trump has unveiled this year's
23:23Christmas decorations at the White House.
23:25Oh, yes.
23:26The themed Christmas trees have been a tradition since the 1960s
23:29when Jackie Kennedy was inspired by the Nutcracker,
23:32or, as is better known, Lee Harvey Oswald.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36Too soon?
23:41LAUGHTER
23:46All right, guys, fingers on buzzers.
23:48Fingers on buzzers, oh, yeah.
23:49Right.
23:50Here we go.
23:51Yeah.
23:52Oh, oh!
23:53BUZZER
23:54BUZZER
23:55BUZZER
23:57Is the fact that it's a young person significant?
23:59It is.
24:00This is the news that Gen Z do not like Christmas traditions.
24:04In particular, they are not on board with sending Christmas cards.
24:07Ooh.
24:08Is this you, Finn?
24:09Yeah.
24:10No, I'm Muslim.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:13I don't.
24:15Sending Christmas cards has become more expensive.
24:17One woman told the BBC that to send Christmas cards,
24:20she needed a mortgage.
24:22It's not the mortgage that's the problem, it's the stamp duty.
24:25Ooh!
24:26Ooh!
24:27Don't you moan at me!
24:29LAUGHTER
24:30In related news, what do Gen Z not like about the office?
24:34They don't like going there.
24:36Very good.
24:37Yeah.
24:38They don't like having to speak to humans.
24:40This is...
24:41LAUGHTER
24:42That's everyone, is it?
24:43Born at a certain time.
24:44Everybody, I see.
24:45Do you agree, Finn?
24:46Yeah.
24:47Even when I was talking to Ian backstage, I was like,
24:49I wish this was just ChatDPT.
24:50LAUGHTER
24:52I felt the same.
24:53LAUGHTER
24:55APPLAUSE
24:57This is some research by Trinity College London that says,
25:0238% of Gen Z fear making small talk in the office.
25:05Does this count as works out for you?
25:07Are you OK?
25:08Are you, er...
25:09I really want to get on my phone.
25:10LAUGHTER
25:12Do you like small talk?
25:14Well, yeah, I do, actually.
25:16Oh, I like the interaction.
25:17It also is a vicar.
25:18It's kind of lubricant for everything.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22APPLAUSE
25:24We would have seen that one coming, shouldn't we?
25:28We're making it worse.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:30On the subject of the church, what does God like about Christmas?
25:32The tinsel.
25:33The tinsel.
25:34The sound of a biro on a gift aid form, I dear sir.
25:36LAUGHTER
25:37That's a good answer.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:39That's a very good answer.
25:40APPLAUSE
25:41Well, according to the Dean of Salisbury, God is also a fan.
25:43Oh, yeah, and Christmas jumpers.
25:44Absolutely.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46This is the very reverend Nicholas Papadopoulos, who writes that while Christmas jumpers are tasteless, God is tasteless too!
26:07Finally, what special treat have supermarket Aldi released for Christmas?
26:11Is it their new advert?
26:13It's actually dog mince pies.
26:16To be clear...
26:17Made out of dogs!
26:18LAUGHTER
26:19Oh, that's lovely!
26:21The other way round.
26:22The other way round.
26:23Mince pies for dogs.
26:24Oh, sorry.
26:25Which is actually how they went down with their taste testers.
26:27Yeah, yeah.
26:28I mean, they literally couldn't give a shit.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:31Muslim dogs.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33I don't think that's photoshopped in, though, because those dogs would not be looking away from the mince pies.
26:40No.
26:41Unless they're disgusting.
26:42Have you ever known a dog...
26:44My dog used to eat shit.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46This is where you turned up, this could be Zach Polanski sitting there.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56I bet he wouldn't say I used to give a shit to my dog.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:01Here, I spoke green.
27:03LAUGHTER
27:04Time now for the odd one out round.
27:07Just one between you this week.
27:08Your four are...
27:09Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
27:11Lord Byron, Ryan Giggs and the Taliban.
27:13BUZZER
27:15LAUGHTER
27:16Go ahead.
27:17Poetry.
27:18Oh!
27:19Poetry.
27:20Robert Kennedy wrote poems to a woman who's now an ex-lover of his and they were pretty awful.
27:24Ryan Giggs, when he wasn't knocking off his brother's wife, was writing poetry.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:29I love you like no other.
27:30Watch out, here comes your brother.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:37Lord Byron, of course, famous as a poet.
27:39Mad, bad and dangerous to know.
27:40So, I imagine they've all had poems printed or published or wrote poems
27:44and the Taliban have banned poetry, must be the answer.
27:46Absolutely.
27:47A specific type of poetry.
27:49It's love poetry.
27:50It is love poetry, it's a romantic poetry.
27:51It's not all poetry.
27:52This is true.
27:53I mean...
27:54I'm just saying, cos we're behind and we need the points.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:57Masha'Allah.
27:58LAUGHTER
27:59APPLAUSE
28:00Yeah, this is an uncharacteristic display of cultural authoritarianism by the Taliban.
28:07Their vice and virtue department are enforcing a new poetry law which prohibits depicting
28:13improper desires, worldly love or inappropriate emotions, as well as any criticism of their
28:19supreme leader.
28:20Hibatullah...
28:22Oh, my God.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24Hang on.
28:25Hibatullah...
28:26You see, this is why women aren't allowed to speak in public.
28:29LAUGHTER
28:30I know.
28:31APPLAUSE
28:33Oh, the pressure.
28:36They don't mind, they're very liberal.
28:38LAUGHTER
28:39As well as any criticism of their supreme leader, Hibatullah Akhansada.
28:45To be fair, though, that is a right pain to rhyme with, that one, isn't it?
28:48LAUGHTER
28:51So, throw the stones harder...
28:53LAUGHTER
28:54..to Akhansada.
28:56APPLAUSE
28:58Who has US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. been writing poetry for?
29:04He was an ex-lover of his.
29:06Mm.
29:07I think her name was Emily something.
29:08It's Olivia Nuzzi.
29:09Oh, right.
29:10I thought it was Typhoid Mary.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:13They had an affair, allegedly, in 2023.
29:17Yeah.
29:18Yeah.
29:19And the poetry has been published as a revenge.
29:21Could you read it out?
29:22Cos I've read it and...
29:24I can't.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:26I'm a red-blooded fella.
29:27Sorry about the rubella.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:29LAUGHTER
29:34Here we go.
29:35I am a river.
29:36You are my canyon.
29:37I mean to flow through you.
29:38I mean to subdue and tame you.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42We've got Brian Giggs, who loved poetry as well.
29:45Oh, wow.
29:46Oh, wow.
29:47Oh, wow.
29:48Anyone know any of his lines, his famous penned romance?
29:52I wept off her bra, but it's on VAR.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:55How did he do it?
29:57This is so good.
29:59LAUGHTER
30:01This is during a trial in 2022.
30:04Jurors at Manchester Crown Court were tormented effectively
30:07with these poems that he wrote to his ex-girlfriend, Kate Greville.
30:11Here's one of them.
30:12I'm going to end by saying, you are my love, my friend, my soul.
30:17Do you want to guess what comes next?
30:19What rhymes with soul?
30:20Yeah.
30:23Back of the net, I've scored a goal.
30:25Mm.
30:26It's actually, and most of all, you believe in me,
30:29which makes me feel as hard as a totem.
30:32Oh!
30:33Oh!
30:34LAUGHTER
30:35Does that actually have, like, faces and figures sticking out of it?
30:44LAUGHTER
30:45In his love poetry, Giggs described his penis
30:48as being as hard as a totem pole,
30:50which presumably means he couldn't bend it like Beckham.
30:53LAUGHTER
30:54Time now for the missing words round.
30:56We are starting with...
31:02Reveal Fergie stitched inside.
31:04Surprised as curtains from royal residents
31:09to be turned into Christmas stockings.
31:11Mm.
31:12Here are the stockings from Sandringham Estates.
31:14The King's curtains were originally white,
31:16but Camilla's clearly allowed to smoke indoors.
31:19LAUGHTER
31:21Finally, 20-foot-tall naked man what?
31:25Finds out he's not actually invisible.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:29Surprised is a woman looking out a second-floor window.
31:31LAUGHTER
31:33Says it just looks small cos I'm big?
31:36LAUGHTER
31:38This is 20-foot-tall naked man terrorising Wigan once again.
31:44LAUGHTER
31:45This is after being previously banned by the council.
31:47The 20-foot golden statue is back.
31:49Oh!
31:50Here it is.
31:51Um...
31:52The owner of the statue says he's put it back up
31:54to spread some Christmas cheer.
31:56LAUGHTER
31:57I mean, I don't know about the ding,
31:58but that dong is merrily on high.
32:00LAUGHTER
32:01Which means the final scores this week are...
32:04Ian and Finlay have three.
32:06God!
32:07Paul and Richard have six.
32:08APPLAUSE
32:09But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
32:17Ian and Finlay, you've got this.
32:20Man arrested for breaking into every house in the world.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:26Paul and Richard, you get this one.
32:31I can't help but feel I've wasted my life.
32:34LAUGHTER
32:39On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
32:41Ian Hislop and Finlay Christie, Paul Merton and the Reverend Richard Coles,
32:45and I leave you with news that at a work dinner,
32:48one employee helps a visiting colleague locate spicy McNuggets
32:52on the venue.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:57On the set of the new Harry Potter series,
32:59Prince William meets the goblin operator
33:01and one of her gnarled and wizened animatronic creatures.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:08And outside a Moscow underground station,
33:11one commuter regrets asking a busker for Stairway to Heaven.
33:15LAUGHTER
33:18Good night.
33:19APPLAUSE
33:30The man, the myth, the moustache.
33:32Defrosted and ready for action, Mammoth is back for a new series.
33:35Press red to watch now.
33:37And fresh from his faithful exploits in the castle,
33:39listen to Joe Marlow, we'll see you now.
33:41A new podcast now on BBC Sounds.
33:44APPLAUSE
33:46APPLAUSE
33:48MUSIC
33:58MUSIC
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