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Taskmaster AU S05 E01

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00:04Where's the ball?
00:05No!
00:06Woo-hoo!
00:08Oh!
00:13I'm pro-going!
00:14Yee-dee!
00:16Damn!
00:18Woo-hoo!
00:23Yeah, you're a good boy.
00:24Don't make me chocolate, you!
00:28You're gonna be like this today, aren't you?
00:38Hello and welcome to a brand new season of Taskmaster Australia.
00:43I'm Tom Gleeson and I'm back, baby.
00:45I've spent the off-season honing my mental physique
00:48and mastering my ability to be exceedingly judgmental
00:51in a way that only 75% of people would agree with.
00:54Also, I can watch five comedians attempt to impress me
00:58and walk away with a magnificent prize so rare
01:01there's only four of them for sale on Gumtree.
01:05A golden replica of my lustrous head.
01:12This week and every week we will be joined by...
01:17All right, so sorry, so sorry.
01:23This is my only favorite character.
01:23I'm sorry, so sorry.
01:24So sorry.
01:24And Perth's very own Rove McManus.
01:28And at my loyal side, the man who in the off-season
01:32somehow got his naughty bits stuck in the eye of a fidget spinner.
01:36It's Lesser Tom Cashman.
01:42It's not my fault, it was a design flaw.
01:46Alright, it's time for the prize task.
01:49That's right, our first task is a prize task.
01:51Each of our contestants have brought in a prize.
01:52The best prize, as judged by the Taskmaster,
01:54will receive five points, second best four points, and so on.
01:57And the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
02:00Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in
02:02what they consider to be the object most likely to satisfy
02:04the Taskmaster if he were to crush it in his hand.
02:09Alright, Anissa, what satisfyingly crushable object have you brought in?
02:13Well, I thought in this economy it's very difficult to maintain steady work,
02:18so I thought something that would satisfy you to crush
02:20would be the careers of your competitors.
02:30I like where you're going, but I think at the moment
02:32they're crushing their own careers, aren't they?
02:35Also, Rove, does it hurt you not to be up there?
02:37I'm excited.
02:39Alright, Brett, what have you brought in?
02:40I know what your biggest beef is, and it's been, you know,
02:43all over the news and media, you have a big beef with Grant Denyer.
02:47So, I have got a mould of Grant Denyer's balls.
02:55And the best part is, that's actually a mould of his balls.
03:00Check this out.
03:07Wouldn't it be great just to put your hands down there,
03:09grab his balls and go, deal or no deal, Grant?
03:13Get out!
03:16Alright, Celia, what have you got?
03:17I brought something that is undeniably a pleasant thing
03:20for anybody to crush in their hand physically,
03:22and then I thought of something that you personally would like to crush.
03:25Yeah.
03:26A potato chip with Tom Cashman's dreams written on it.
03:35Wouldn't that be nice?
03:37Yeah, crushing the Pringle on its own would be very satisfying,
03:39but knowing that it had Cashman's dreams in there.
03:42Yeah.
03:42And, like, that's never going to happen either.
03:44So, I just...
03:45But it's a slippery slope, though,
03:47because for me, once a pop, I can't stop.
03:52Right, Joel.
03:53Well, I was trying to impress the Taskmaster.
03:55We both clearly hate the sun,
03:58and so, therefore, hate sand,
04:00because, you know, that gets in all the cracks
04:01and very hard to get out.
04:02And so, I have built a sandcastle
04:05with the most crushable thing on it...
04:08Tom Cashman's face.
04:15Wow.
04:16That looks like the face I make
04:17when I find out I'm not getting a girlfriend.
04:20All right, Rove, what did you bring in?
04:22I took something that I have myself
04:26that I love to crush on a regular basis.
04:28It's this piece of cheese
04:30that when you crush it,
04:33this happens...
04:34..a little mouse comes out.
04:38And it is thoroughly satisfying.
04:43The mouse is very cute.
04:45It's coming out of the cheese,
04:46but I grew up on a farm,
04:47and we had a mouse plague,
04:48and I'm traumatised by mice.
04:49So, one point to Rove.
04:51Then I'm going to...
04:51What else am I going to go for?
04:53I have a pretend feud with Denya
04:54and a pretend feud with Peter Hellyer.
04:56They're actually good friends of mine.
04:58So, I'm going to give two points to Brett
04:59and three points to Anissa,
05:01but I have a genuine feud with you,
05:03you s***head.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:06APPLAUSE
05:10So, I'm going to give Joel four points,
05:12but five points to Celia,
05:13because, you know...
05:14CHEERING
05:16Oh, my God.
05:17All right, that's enough piss-farting about.
05:19I'm ready for a first task.
05:21The first task for season five.
05:23You've got it.
05:24Call us Philosophy 101.
05:25We're about to prevent death with a trolley problem.
05:40Hello, Tom.
05:42Hello, Thomas.
05:43Hey.
05:44I like your place.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50Hi, Rose.
05:51Oh, hi, Tom.
05:53Dude, is that your car?
05:54That's sick.
05:55Bunch of eggs in a trolley.
05:57I'm not surprised.
05:58You don't look that excited to see me, Tom.
06:00You don't think?
06:01Not at all.
06:02Are you going to be like this the whole time?
06:04Like what?
06:05Like this.
06:06I guess.
06:08We could be friends.
06:09Are you still doing comedy?
06:11Am I still doing comedy?
06:12Yeah.
06:12You're just doing this.
06:13This is comedy.
06:15May I?
06:16Please.
06:18OK.
06:18I've ruined the card already.
06:20Here we go.
06:21Send these passengers on the safest yet speediest journey down the drive.
06:25Ah!
06:26You may not touch the passengers.
06:28The vehicle may only be moved by shoves.
06:32With one shove allowed every 30 seconds.
06:35For any deceased passengers, you must hold a meaningful memorial before proceeding.
06:41A bonus point will be given for best memorialiser.
06:44Fastest wins.
06:46The time starts now.
06:48I'm so sorry, but some of you aren't going to make it.
06:55Just before we get started, I'm going to say I'm so glad I didn't get that driveway resealed.
07:00Because that gravel is going to be an absolute bastard.
07:04So whose eggs are we going to murder first?
07:06Well, you can't break eggs without breaking a few eggs.
07:09It's Anissa, Celia and Rove.
07:11All right, you guys.
07:13Are you with me?
07:13Who feels safe?
07:17Be free, my little passengers.
07:19Look at them go.
07:20This is great.
07:21Never going to win unless I cry.
07:29Oh, no, we lost one.
07:31Oh, but she's still going.
07:33Go, you little rip-on.
07:34Oh, I'm really happy with this.
07:36I'm really happy with this.
07:38Oh, no.
07:39Oh, it's carnage.
07:40Oh, no.
07:42Oh, no.
07:43Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of some dear friends of mine.
07:53To the earth you return.
07:58I'm Muslim.
07:59I don't know why I did that.
08:00Oh, no.
08:01Captain Boyle.
08:02He stole from the rich and gave to the poor.
08:05And we will miss him.
08:06I don't think that one was dead.
08:07Oh, f***.
08:08I lied.
08:08He's a pedophile.
08:10Let's go for broke.
08:19That wasn't worth it.
08:20That was quite a good one.
08:21Oh, no.
08:22Oh, they're all dead.
08:23Tom.
08:23I'm going to miss you guys.
08:25This one was a bit of a dick, but we're sad that you died anyway.
08:34What's this for?
08:35Dude, it's a pyre.
08:37You know how it works.
08:38In post-effects, we could add flames.
08:41Oh!
08:42Stand back.
08:43Tom, don't get burnt from the fire.
08:45Here we go.
08:49I should have been there.
08:50I should have cared for you.
08:52I should have nurtured you.
08:56Right.
08:56Finish line is in sight.
08:57I'm just going for it.
08:58I believe in all of you, okay?
09:00Do you trust me?
09:01Let's go.
09:03He's crossed the line.
09:04Ah!
09:06Oh, look at this angel who didn't leak when I gave her a hug at all.
09:10No, she's fine.
09:11They're all fine, Tom.
09:13In fact, I'm just going to keep them with me because they're all alive and fine.
09:17Are some of them dead too?
09:18No.
09:19Thanks, Tom.
09:20Thanks, Celia.
09:21Bye.
09:29So, Celia, how many memorials have you been to where, after the tribute, they throw the
09:33body away?
09:35Well, you don't keep them.
09:37Yeah.
09:38They're all dicks.
09:38They're a bunch of egg dicks and I'm glad they're dead.
09:42Yeah, you abused them in several different ways.
09:45What were you calling the eggs?
09:46I don't know.
09:47One of them, oh, I won't repeat it.
09:49I'll repeat it.
09:50Celia accused one of them of being a pedophile.
09:55So, Anissa, you said to one of the eggs in your heartfelt tribute, I should have been
09:59there.
10:00You were there.
10:04I feel like I should have been there intellectually because I wasn't thinking.
10:08I don't know why I pushed it that hard.
10:10I genuinely could not think of another way to do it other than that.
10:13You know?
10:14Right?
10:15Are you trying to throw to the next segment?
10:21I'll do the twists and turns, thank you.
10:24Now, Rove, how did you feel about the fire that was added in post there?
10:27Oh, it was really good and I'll tell you all about it after the break.
10:33No?
10:35I was quite impressed by it.
10:37That's what I expected my Viking funeral to be like.
10:40All right, now, Tom, what's your favourite part of this task?
10:43Yeah, probably the second line of the task, actually.
10:44Oh, right.
10:45And what was that?
10:46You may not touch the passengers in any way.
10:49I can't touch them.
10:50Nope.
10:50Oh, no, Captain Boyle.
10:53We will miss you.
10:54I don't think that one was dead.
10:55Oh, f***.
10:56That was Jasmine.
10:58Okay.
11:00F***.
11:00I touched it.
11:01I touched it.
11:02So, what is...
11:03Can I put it back?
11:04So, Carl's going into space.
11:07Oh.
11:09Please don't throw the eggs at the camera, people.
11:16Can I touch them now?
11:17What do you mean, now?
11:19I wasn't touching them before.
11:25So, this means they're all disqualified.
11:28That's right, yeah.
11:30Rove touched an egg twice.
11:31Anissa touched an egg 31 times.
11:35Celia touched an egg 40 times.
11:37I love it!
11:38I just love touching eggs, okay?
11:40I have a problem.
11:43All right, well, let's take a break.
11:44We'll be back soon to see if any of our contestants
11:46aren't disqualified.
11:48We'll see you after this.
12:00Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
12:03If you've just joined us, you're late,
12:05and I'm very disappointed.
12:07What were we doing, Tom?
12:08Our contestants are shoving a trolley full of eggs
12:10down a driveway as fast as they can,
12:11and they're not allowed to touch eggs.
12:12So far, our contestants have touched so many eggs.
12:16All right, it's just a simple task.
12:18Fastest wins.
12:19Fastest wins.
12:20Up next, it's all the king's men.
12:22Can they end what can only be described
12:23as an egg-touching extravaganza?
12:25It's Joel Creasy and Brett Blake.
12:27I'm not very strong.
12:28Am I allowed to drive that car?
12:31Jump in.
12:31Let's go.
12:33I can use anything, right?
12:37What if I got on me?
12:38I'm staying here?
12:39Yeah, you're staying here.
12:41If I tie this, I'm sort of shut,
12:43and then I can sort of pull it back.
12:45Well, what if I, like, put something over the top
12:46to pad it?
12:51I'm not touching them.
12:53Go to sleep with legs.
12:55What's that for?
12:56A ramp, dickhead.
12:58Let's go.
13:03There are no deceased passengers.
13:05Yes.
13:06Oh, that's a shit ramp.
13:09Shove.
13:13I reckon I've nailed this.
13:14I feel like this is a shop.
13:17That's a shop.
13:19That's a shop.
13:21There's one deceased passenger.
13:26There is one deceased passenger.
13:28We've travelled all this way,
13:30and you are just a bit too weak,
13:32and that's life, isn't it?
13:33That's the memorial.
13:34It's nicer than what I said at my grandma's funeral.
13:37You need to sing
13:38the National Anthem.
13:40Go.
13:41You want me to do it?
13:43Yeah, well, I'm doing this.
13:45Go.
13:45Come on.
13:47Australians,
13:48oh, let us rejoice.
14:05There's five deceased passengers.
14:07I feel like this is what the eggs would have wanted.
14:11You know what I mean?
14:11And if you could keep singing that National Anthem as well,
14:14I think that will help.
14:15We've got the flag there.
14:18Maybe a burnout.
14:19Oh, we are young and free-range eggs.
14:24With oil and oil and something, something oil.
14:29Our home is...
14:32See, the eggs would want me to win.
14:35Oh!
14:40There's an additional deceased passenger.
14:46Can you skip?
14:49Oh, there you go.
14:53Yay!
14:54Woo!
15:00Great work, Brett.
15:01I think you did really well.
15:03I especially like, for we are young and free, range.
15:06Range.
15:07I love how I'm the only person on the panel who's dyslexic,
15:11but I managed to read Do Not Touch The Eggs.
15:14I like your memorials too that you gave.
15:16I think they were very good.
15:17But I feel like at a Bogan memorial,
15:19you should have been wearing wraparound sunnies.
15:21Yeah.
15:21There wasn't enough props, but I had a ramp,
15:23I got the van involved.
15:24I think I started using the van too much
15:27that the safety coordinator on set
15:29started hiding vehicles from me, so...
15:33It did not go well.
15:34Tom had some fun, though.
15:35Well, I felt like I was in danger more than...
15:39Danger, electric, excitement, it's all the same, dude.
15:43All right, Joel.
15:44Yes.
15:44I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself
15:45when you were saying that you weren't that strong,
15:48but then I saw your effort and I thought it was about accurate.
15:52I don't know what I was planning with the rope
15:54because it didn't do anything.
15:57I did enjoy the memorials, though,
16:00because I've been planning my funeral forever.
16:03Like, I can't wait.
16:04I honestly can't wait.
16:05Oh, what's your plan?
16:05Open casket with my eyes glued open, right?
16:08So I can look into the eyes of my enemies just one last time.
16:12Yeah.
16:12Joel, would you like to hear more about your plan for your funeral?
16:15Glinda and Elfarber from Wicked will sing for good.
16:19Elfarber?
16:20Elfarber?
16:22Elfarber?
16:22Elfarber?
16:23I'm not a musical guy.
16:25Hush your dirty mouth.
16:26You're going to want to retake that
16:28because they're going to come to you, Tom.
16:30No, do not retake that.
16:32If I don't get to go back and untouch eggs,
16:37you do not get a second credit.
16:39Luke, I am your Elfarber.
16:41No.
16:42No, no, no.
16:43No, no, no.
16:44Give him a break.
16:45Give him a break.
16:46Tom, you know, you know, you're joking.
16:48You know the Wizard of Oz.
16:49Right?
16:51To be fair, we should just do a pickup of you saying Elfarber
16:54because otherwise fans of musical theatre will be coming at you.
16:59Oh, no.
17:00Joel, Joel, I don't think he's seen what Joe's hand's come in.
17:02I was going to say, well, we'll rip your throat out.
17:06We're coming at you.
17:07We're coming at you.
17:09Better run, better run.
17:14I'm sorry you had to see that side of me, Tom.
17:20I'm not supposed to enjoy this show this much, but anyway.
17:23What I was trying to allude to when I was describing
17:25what Joel told me about his funeral
17:27is that we did a lot of talking during that task.
17:29Right.
17:30Joel took 37 minutes and 22 seconds.
17:33Brett's decision to use the van
17:35means his time was just 10 minutes and 8 seconds.
17:40So that means zero points for the first three contestants,
17:44Anissa, Celia and Rove, all disqualified.
17:45Four points for Joel and five points for Brett.
17:50Finally, you need to choose the best memorialiser.
17:53Oh, that's easy.
17:54Brett Blake.
17:54Okay, six points for Brett Blake.
17:56Yeah, Brett, he's ready.
17:58Okay, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
18:00Out in front, it's a tie at the moment.
18:02Brett and Joel both on eight points.
18:04Oh, well done.
18:07All right.
18:09I'm ready for another task.
18:11This next task is about middle names,
18:13but I'll never tell you mine.
18:14Discretion is my middle name.
18:15Oh, wait.
18:32Tom Cashman with the iPad in the study.
18:36Bonjour.
18:37Hi, Joel.
18:38Please choose a word.
18:39Oh!
18:40What, choose one that's hanging?
18:41They all describe me.
18:43Darren, technically a name, but that's all right.
18:45I'll go with kill.
18:47Chaos.
18:47Wizard.
18:48Danger.
18:49I'll choose Darren.
18:50You're choosing Darren?
18:51Yeah.
18:53Oh, no.
18:55I'm cool.
18:57You're like Edmund Scissorhands.
19:00Totally broke that one.
19:01Now, do I read the thing?
19:02Yes, Liz.
19:03Okay.
19:07Why?
19:08The word you just selected is your new middle name.
19:13Live up to it.
19:14I should have gone with sexy.
19:16Most lived up to middle name wins.
19:18You have 25 minutes to time search down.
19:21I mean, obviously dangerous with my middle name.
19:22I win.
19:23I should just get points for choosing the correct one.
19:25Like, what would you do?
19:25Because you're very cool.
19:26Like, what would a cool person?
19:27Like, I'm asking a cool person.
19:28What would they do?
19:29I'm not going to answer because I suspect you're being sarcastic.
19:31This is effed up, but I know someone called Darren.
19:35He proposed to his missus in a Macca's.
19:37I won't be allowed to light things on fire, will I?
19:38Let's do it and let's wait to see what happens if I get yelled at.
19:42Cool, cool.
19:44Why don't I physically get cool?
19:46I think I have to be the dangerous thing.
19:48So I'm going to be sharp and hot and, like, have rabies.
19:54I'm off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
19:59Do you mean the generic school for magic?
20:01Tom, I'm off to a nameless school of witchcraft and wizardry.
20:07Grab everything.
20:07Grab the cameras.
20:08Let's go.
20:12So, Anissa, what drew you to Darren?
20:14Just an opportunity to make fun of white guys.
20:19So, like, how would you describe Darren as an emotion?
20:23Oh, yeah, nah.
20:27Bam. Nailed it.
20:30Okay, Tom, I'm ready to see some people embody their new middle names.
20:34Who have we got first?
20:35He chose the word chaos.
20:36He's furious.
20:37He didn't choose sexy.
20:38It's Brett, Chaos, Blake.
20:39Ah, your time's up now, Tomina.
20:42No one's going to save you.
20:44Oh, my God.
20:48It's Brett, Sexy, Blake.
20:50No!
21:15You're welcome.
21:43See you next time.
21:44You're not going to let me out of the chains?
21:46No.
21:49Okay, so, did you forget which word you chose?
21:55You chose chaos, but then you came out on the bike and it said sexy, and you were sexy.
21:59Ah, but they were just feelings you were feeling when you saw that.
22:02Yeah.
22:02You were like, that's sexy.
22:04I went with chaos, sexy, and danger.
22:06I kind of got lost in it a bit.
22:07I think the character was Captain Chaos, and then I was playing someone called maybe Mr. Sexy or cool, or
22:15Darren, and maybe Darren, and then he saves Tom from Captain Chaos.
22:21Not Tom.
22:22Not, who are you?
22:26Tamina.
22:27Oh, that's right.
22:28I gave you a girl's name and I put a wig on you.
22:30Yeah, that's funny.
22:32It looked like a tutorial for when you get inducted into being a lesbian.
22:35That's what I thought I was watching.
22:37Well, ironically, a lot of that stuff came from Bunnings, so it makes sense.
22:41All right, we're up to the middle name of any broadcast TV show, The Ads.
22:45Back soon.
22:57Hello, and welcome back to the first episode of Taskmaster Season 5.
23:01How exciting.
23:02You're witnessing the series right at its peak, and from this sentence, we're phoning it in.
23:08Where were we, Tom?
23:09Our comedians are trying to live up to their new middle name.
23:11Up next, it's Anissa Darren-Nandola and Joel Cool Creasy.
23:16Hi there.
23:17Could I please have a hash brown and an apple pie?
23:19No, I'll get a full meal, love.
23:21Get a full f***ing meal, because today is a real special day.
23:26Do you want to have an ice bath with me?
23:28I loved you ever since I laid eyes on you at the pokies.
23:32Beautiful.
23:32Beautiful spot.
23:33This is so cool.
23:34The way you scream,
23:35Oh, man.
23:37Man, my heart race.
23:41Cool.
23:41See?
23:42Oh, my God.
23:46I've even got these very cool glasses to really hammer the point home.
23:52Would you please be my lawfully wedded wife and make me...
23:56You've kind of already put it on.
23:58Let me bloody finish, love.
23:59You want me to get in?
24:00I think you should.
24:01I think there's enough space.
24:02You didn't tell me to change.
24:04Look at that.
24:05Perfect.
24:05Do you want to be Mrs. Anissa-Saniel-Darren-Nandola?
24:09I do.
24:11I'm refreshing.
24:14Get the large, get the large.
24:16I'll have fries as well.
24:19Come on.
24:20Done.
24:22Enjoy the view.
24:30This is based on a true story, right?
24:31This is based off of a Darren that I know.
24:33Okay.
24:33So how's Darren's relationship going now?
24:36He's divorced.
24:38Now, you're from Queensland.
24:40Yes.
24:40You didn't choose to live like Darren Lockyer.
24:43He's a rugby player.
24:46I notice I'm being very careful because I don't want my citizenship revoked.
24:51Rugby player?
24:52Rugby league player.
24:53Oh, okay.
24:54I don't know what that means.
24:59He's a Queensland legend.
25:00Okay.
25:03So, Joel, was this task for you a bit tricky?
25:05Because to start with, you're already quite cool.
25:07Oh, I thought I'd give myself a challenge and try and be cool.
25:11Yeah.
25:12But I reckon you are already cool.
25:14You're on commercial radio.
25:15When I hang out with you, you're always very witty, well-dressed.
25:18You know, you're always often drinking a very fancy drink.
25:21I look at it and think, what's Joel drinking?
25:23I wouldn't mind having that because he's cool.
25:25Do you need money or something?
25:27No, I'm just saying.
25:34But the problem is, I think you started the task cool, but then you ended it not cool.
25:38Why?
25:39You finished in a bathtub with Tom Cashman.
25:41Not cool.
25:43You're telling me I was in there with him.
25:45And I could tell it was very cool.
25:49Let's just say my balls are smaller than Grant Deniers.
25:53All right, Cashman, I'm ready for another.
25:56Uppus Nexotus.
25:57It's Rove, Wizard, McManus.
25:59Oh, God.
26:05Broomie, it's time to fly up.
26:09Come on, Broomie.
26:11We've got to save the day.
26:13The evil wizard, uh, eyeboard is coming to stop us.
26:18Let's go.
26:21My scar's hurting.
26:23Like that.
26:25That must mean that...
26:27What was his name again?
26:29Eye-eyeboard or something like this.
26:31Oh, no.
26:32Here he comes.
26:38Well, well, well.
26:40If it isn't, Rove, Wizard, McManus.
26:44Evil wizard, Voldyboard.
26:46No, evil.
26:47Evil wizard, eye-eyeboard.
26:50I knew it was you.
26:51Oh, really?
26:52Well, what if I was to tell you?
26:55It was me that killed your parents,
26:58you dumb kid.
27:00No.
27:01Kill us.
27:02Villainous.
27:05Sparks come out of it.
27:07Cool effects.
27:08Oh, no.
27:09Hey, you got me, Rove, Wizard, McManus.
27:13Then I'll be back if there's a sequel.
27:17Ah.
27:21Flames.
27:22Yeah.
27:23That's what you get for being a dick.
27:26All a simple day in the life.
27:29For me, Rove, the Wizard, McManus.
27:31Although my parents are still dead.
27:34Rob.
27:35Rob.
27:40Very emotional.
27:41They are.
27:42There we go.
27:43To some of our younger viewers who are just tuning in,
27:46you might be surprised to find out that Rove actually used to be a really big deal.
27:56What was that about, Rove?
27:58It was magic.
28:00Yeah, well, I was watching it thinking it was about to magically become entertainment.
28:06There's no trick for that, as we well know, Tom.
28:09Were you, uh, were you griffin bored?
28:12Yeah, boy!
28:15Shut up, Malfoy.
28:17Ah!
28:18You know!
28:19You love it!
28:20Check out these Dumbledorks.
28:22Ah!
28:23Ah, I don't get it.
28:24Who gives a shit?
28:25I'm a regular Hufflepuff.
28:31Hey, Tom, you can just probably go straight to the points.
28:37Who have we got next, Cashboy?
28:41I think she might actually have rabies and has found a way to work it into the show.
28:46It's Celia Danger-Picola.
29:00Oh.
29:01Oh.
29:02Oh.
29:03Rawr!
29:04Scared?
29:04I see you really ran with the rabies idea.
29:06Yes, a little bit.
29:08Not just that.
29:09This is a pot filled with boiling water with a handle sticking out, it's incredibly dangerous.
29:12And this is an open flame, Tom.
29:14Oh, no.
29:15And scissors.
29:16Oh.
29:16And I can't help it not.
29:17Notice the...
29:18Yes, because I have unprotected sex and I'm a man and I have a cactus penis.
29:22Okay.
29:22But I'm also a bear and I'm also a woman who knows what she wants.
29:26All very dangerous things.
29:28I feel like I've nailed this brief.
29:30I will say good day to you, sir.
29:32Good day.
29:34Yeah.
29:37Yeah.
29:38Yeah.
29:40So can you talk us through all the dangerous things you did?
29:42Because there was a lot there.
29:43My first thought was swords and I had rabies and I had scissors.
29:47And I had my PIN number and my home address and my mobile phone number.
29:52You had more than that.
29:53What else did I have?
29:53Oh, yeah.
29:54These are things written on your suit.
29:55Yeah.
29:55I'm a man.
29:56Yeah.
29:57I'm a bear.
29:58Yeah.
29:58I have a snake.
30:00I have worms.
30:01I answer unknown numbers.
30:03My password is easy to guess.
30:05And my shoelaces are undone.
30:07Oh, yeah.
30:08Your shoelaces were not undone.
30:09Oh, were they not?
30:10All right.
30:11Well, I've got to give out some scores here, don't I?
30:12You do.
30:13Okay.
30:14Well, that's pretty easy.
30:14One to Rove.
30:17I'm going to give two points to Joel because he started cool and then he ended not cool.
30:20I'm going to give three points to Celia because it was still very dangerous.
30:23Okay.
30:23I'm going to give four points to Anissa because it was chock full of Darren-ness.
30:28Woo!
30:28But I'm going to give five points to Brett just because it was awesome and chaotic.
30:34Loved it.
30:37All right.
30:37We'll be back after the break.
30:39Whether you will is entirely up to your attention span.
30:41See you soon.
30:53Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
30:55We've just got time for one last proper task.
30:59So, what have you got for me, Lesser Tom?
31:00It's our first location task of the series.
31:03So, giddy up.
31:03We're off to the racetrack.
31:20I love these big walks.
31:22Hi, Tom.
31:23Is this walk really necessary?
31:26Yes.
31:29Oh.
31:30Oh.
31:32Can I help you?
31:34Yeah, there's a task down there that I'd love for you to read.
31:36Oh, okay.
31:41Kicks the exercise ball to Tom.
31:43Easy.
31:44Only chairs may halt a ball's motion.
31:48If the ball rolls to the bottom, you must remove a chair.
31:50This is so hard.
31:52Fewest chairs initially placed wins.
31:55You have 10 minutes to place the chairs,
31:58then 15 minutes to get the ball to the top.
32:00Your time starts now.
32:02But I've just got to kick the ball to you.
32:04That's right.
32:05What have the chairs got to do with anything?
32:07If the ball comes to a standstill on a chair,
32:09then you can go up to that spot and kick from there.
32:11Get what I mean?
32:12Not really.
32:13And also, the ball just f***ed off.
32:15You might want to go get the ball.
32:16Don't tell me what to do, Tom.
32:17Are you right-footed?
32:19Right-footed?
32:20Who's right-footed?
32:21I'm right-handed.
32:22What is right-footed?
32:24Oh, dear.
32:32Do you really not know what right-footed is?
32:35No.
32:36What's right-footed?
32:37Which foot do you kick with?
32:39Which foot do you kickball change with?
32:41Oh, I kickball change with my right foot.
32:43I'm right-footed.
32:44That's all you had to ask.
32:45All right.
32:46Who's up first?
32:46The chairman and the chairwoman of the us not being bored.
32:49It's Rove and Celia.
32:51All right.
32:52I'm going to try this.
32:53You can do some chat if you are.
32:55I'm just moving chairs.
32:55What did you have for breakfast?
32:56I had a protein ball because I'm an athlete.
32:59Well, if I lay a chair flat, it's got more space to take up.
33:03What did you have for breakfast yesterday?
33:05Uh, pizza.
33:06Because that's what legends eat.
33:09I reckon it's going to stop better like that.
33:11What about the breakfast the day before that?
33:13Meth.
33:14It just keeps getting progressively worse, so don't keep going backwards.
33:17I've gone double digits.
33:18I'm not happy with that.
33:19Dare I ask what you had breakfast one day before that?
33:22A human child.
33:23See?
33:24I told you not to ask, Tom.
33:25Oh my gosh.
33:26What am I doing?
33:27I'm a genius.
33:29Okay.
33:30No more chair placement.
33:32The kicking may begin.
33:33Woo!
33:35Shut up!
33:37That was pretty far.
33:41Oh, keep bouncing.
33:43Keep bouncing.
33:45Oh!
33:50You shut up.
33:51No, that's gone.
33:53The ball has crossed the line at the bottom of the ramp.
33:55Please remove one chair.
33:57Okay.
33:57At this point, this is doing F all.
33:59All right.
34:00How good was that bounce, though?
34:01The people at home loved that.
34:03Did you hear the reaction?
34:04No?
34:05Well, okay.
34:06Woo!
34:07Too far!
34:11Come on, little chair.
34:13Yes, little chair.
34:14Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
34:17Shut up.
34:18Stop, stop, stop.
34:21Tom!
34:23Yeah!
34:24Look at that!
34:25Bit of support here.
34:28Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
34:30That was a foolish, foolish call.
34:34Wait for it.
34:35Wait for it.
34:35Wait for it.
34:36So I'm allowed to pick it up?
34:38Yes.
34:38Okay, I'm going to pick up the ball now, Tom.
34:42Bounce over!
34:43What?
34:47That was so close.
34:49Again, the crowd.
34:50But you wouldn't know because your imagination is limited.
34:53Oh, it's going to be...
34:54I don't know if I could just...
34:55Okay, all right.
34:56All right.
34:58Come on, chair.
34:59You know what you're doing.
35:12I put out way too many chairs, Tom.
35:14I just didn't believe in myself at how good I was going to be at that.
35:17That's a shame.
35:18Thanks, Tom.
35:21Careful of those chairs.
35:23I mean, we shouldn't just be leaving those there.
35:31Ro, was that trip on purpose or was it an accident?
35:35It was a comedy.
35:36It was a comedy fall.
35:37I was just worried about you because it was so convincing when you fell over, I was just
35:41genuinely concerned for your welfare.
35:44Thank you, Tom.
35:45I appreciate that.
35:46I was going to laugh, but then I didn't because I was worried you were hurt.
35:51All right.
35:52And so, I must admit, Rove, I reckon the most impressive things was seeing you miss by such
35:56a tiny amount.
35:57It was quite painful at the other end.
36:00Yes.
36:00And then, I don't know if you saw, I swapped legs.
36:02I went left.
36:03I went right.
36:04Didn't make a difference.
36:05Are you right-footed, whatever that means?
36:08I think my feet are bisexual.
36:10So, it's like...
36:13Thought I recognised then.
36:16OK, so, Celia, how do you feel you went?
36:18I loved that.
36:19Yeah.
36:19I loved it so much.
36:20My only mistake was not knowing how good I'd be at it.
36:23That's the fault.
36:24Like you're saying, like, I should have believed in myself.
36:25Put out too many chairs.
36:26Well, the hardest part of your task was just watching Cashman try to keep up a conversation.
36:31Because I feel like you're giving him a lot of fun offers and he was...
36:34She's told me to do some chat.
36:36I remember I asked you what you had for breakfast and you said tinned peaches and I said,
36:39are you in the war?
36:42I had tinned peaches at the hotel.
36:45I didn't have my own tinned.
36:46I didn't ask where the war happened.
36:50Anyway, so, yes, that was the conversation.
36:52It was difficult working with him.
36:55All right.
36:56So, let's look at the stats.
36:58Well, ultimately, it's a game of faith in yourself, right?
37:00So, the fewer chairs, more faith you have.
37:02Celia had 19 chairs worth of faith.
37:04Yep.
37:05Rove had a whopping 10 chairs of faith in himself.
37:07That's a lot of faith.
37:08All right, who's battling the ramp next?
37:10The next contestants inclined to incline are Anissa and Brett.
37:13Oh.
37:14This is the logical thing, yeah?
37:16Put them in a line.
37:22Why can't I just f***ing form kick it to you in one go?
37:25If you can, you can.
37:26What if I kick it so far, it doesn't come back?
37:29Then the task is done.
37:30That's correct.
37:31Oh, that's too easy.
37:33Let's win this.
37:34I'm rule-dogging it, dude.
37:36You're locking in zero chairs?
37:37Yeah.
37:40Bro, why is this ramp so rampy?
37:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
37:47Ah!
37:48This is either the best or the worst idea I've ever had.
37:53Oh!
37:55It's going to be the worst idea I've ever had.
37:57Mother f***er!
37:58Michael Jordan, rest in peace!
38:01He's not dead.
38:02Rest in peace, Koby!
38:05Whoa!
38:06Ah!
38:07Wah!
38:08Bah!
38:11Dude!
38:13You are now chalice.
38:14Johnny Wilkinson.
38:28Bro!
38:30This is a disgustingly steep ramp.
38:33Oh, my God.
38:35Oh, man, you son of a bitch.
38:44Go, go, go, go!
38:46Yes! Yes!
38:49Yes!
38:52How much time have I got?
38:54Seven seconds left.
38:55Michelle Obama!
38:57Ah! Ah! Ah!
39:05I'm going to report this ramp to the ramp authorities.
39:09Dude, that was sick.
39:11Sometimes he's going to believe himself.
39:12Well done.
39:13Hell yeah.
39:20So, Anissa, you were yelling out various names.
39:23What was the thinking behind that?
39:25Rest in peace Michael Jordan.
39:28Is he still here?
39:29He's alive and well.
39:30Oh, OK.
39:31You'll never believe it.
39:33He plays rugby league for Queensland.
39:37Anissa, you were yelling famous black people as you kicked.
39:40Usain Bolt, Serena Williams, Kamal Harris and Nick Kyrgios.
39:46I claim him.
39:47I claim Nick Kyrgios.
39:48He's close enough.
39:50RIP.
39:52All right.
39:53All right.
39:53Now, Brett.
39:54Amazing tactic.
39:55No chairs.
39:56No chairs.
39:57Just back yourself.
39:59That's right.
39:59I've never even seen this TV show and I'm f***ing dominating.
40:06Who would have thought the guy with the truck licence would beat the three theatre dorks?
40:13Who would have thought the straight white guy would have so much confidence?
40:17And the fact that you're winning makes it even worse.
40:20Yeah.
40:20It really stinks.
40:21Sucked in.
40:23So, should we look at the scores there?
40:26Well, Anissa had 34 kicks.
40:28Oh.
40:29Brett only used seven kicks.
40:31And is leading with zero chairs placed.
40:36Okay.
40:37We've just got one comedian to go in the Swiss ball kicking gauntlet.
40:42But first, it's time for a break.
40:43Come back soon to find out who's won Grant Denyer's balls and a stale potato chip.
41:00Welcome back to the only show on television brave enough to ask the question, would sports
41:04be more entertaining if they were done by people with no sporting ability?
41:09Where were we, Lester Tom?
41:10Our contestants are kicking a ball up a ramp with nothing to help them but chairs.
41:13Fewest chairs placed wins.
41:15Up last, it's a man so deeply in love with his feet he couldn't possibly choose between them.
41:19It's Joel Creasy.
41:22It's like I'm setting up for an event.
41:26Start here.
41:27Careful of that, you wouldn't want the ball to get away.
41:39I reckon I can kick it from there but I've got them as backups.
41:42Okay.
41:52What are you doing?
41:53Looking for the ball.
41:58Oh, Dine.
41:59Is this some onion?
42:02What?
42:03Where did it go?
42:05Where did the ball go?
42:06I don't know.
42:07I saw it go down there.
42:09That's all I saw.
42:10You've done something.
42:11I didn't do anything.
42:12I didn't do anything.
42:12You did.
42:13It was right here.
42:14Your kicking time has begun.
42:16This is so dumb Tom.
42:17Where's the ball?
42:18I don't know.
42:18Tom.
42:19I told you to make sure it didn't blow away.
42:22Where is it?
42:25It can't have gone that far.
42:28I've misread something like there's a little trick.
42:31I don't think wind is a trick.
42:32It's just a reality of life.
42:34But it's not here.
42:35Then why are you here?
42:36If it's down here I'll be so furious.
42:44I'm not here!
42:52Tom, this is so lame.
42:54There's not even any other balls here.
42:56Can I kick you in the balls?
42:57No, thank you.
42:58This is so stupid Tom.
43:00Someone's taken the ball.
43:01I'm sorry.
43:10How long do I have?
43:11You've got 48 seconds left of kicking time.
43:13I'm being gasoline.
43:15I'm being completely gasoline.
43:16I'm not going to pretend that there's not cameras here.
43:18Everyone is silent.
43:19Someone's taken the ball.
43:20They have.
43:21I've forgotten what colour it was.
43:2425 seconds left.
43:25Where's the ball?
43:26It's not here!
43:28Is it like right here and I'm actually having a brain bleed
43:30and need to be in hospital?
43:3110 seconds left.
43:32This is ridiculous.
43:33It's not here.
43:36Thanks, Joel.
43:38That was the worst.
43:42And I had such a good sister.
43:52Now we know that you're not right footed or left footed, you neither.
43:57I was lost months of sleep wondering where that ball went.
44:03Lesser Tom even said, it went that way.
44:05And you went, no it didn't.
44:06You walked the other way.
44:07I searched that way.
44:08I searched that entire race thing.
44:11That place.
44:12That awful place.
44:14Didn't even get a chance to kick with my right foot or whatever footed I am.
44:18You kept accusing me of taking it but you could see me the whole time.
44:21Someone went, someone blew it away just to wind me up and you got me.
44:28I looked up the wind speed on each day.
44:30I had the windiest day.
44:31No you didn't.
44:31Brett did.
44:34Mine went around the corner but I just looked and it was there.
44:38Mine was having a schooner up the bar.
44:40I couldn't find it anywhere.
44:41Joel, would you like to know how many kicks you attempted?
44:43No.
44:44I can at least work that out myself.
44:48Alright, well let's go through the scores then.
44:50Joel's obviously disqualified.
44:52Correct.
44:52As is Anissa.
44:54That means three points to Celia, four points to Rove and Brett wins the task with five points.
45:01Alright, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
45:03Rove is in last place with six points but Brett's out in front with 18 points.
45:09Alright you lot, please head up to the stage for the first studio task of the season.
45:18Who's going to read out the task tonight?
45:21Celia.
45:25Pose for a photo at the median height with the median amount of naughtiness.
45:30Your photos will be compared and the contestant at the median height in their photo will win the height category.
45:38Tallest and shortest contestants will come second and the other two contestants will come third.
45:43Same scoring applies to naughtiness.
45:46Brett, are you okay?
45:48Did he just faint?
45:49No, I punched a wall out and I've left.
45:53Best overall performance in the two categories wins.
45:55Your photos will be taken in exactly 75 seconds.
45:58So, the middle of each category will win.
46:01The tallest and shortest come second and then the other two come third.
46:06Okay, your 75 seconds starts now.
46:15Why would you say that?
46:3130 seconds.
46:3330 seconds.
46:3830 seconds.
46:54OK, it's time for one last break.
46:56Hey, during the break, why don't you swap over each other's phones and have a look at
47:00the photos.
47:00See who's got the naughtiest photos.
47:02You'll enjoy it.
47:03See you soon.
47:14Hello, welcome back to the season premiere of Taskmaster.
47:18We're in the final stretch of our live task and just need some rankings.
47:22Sir Tom?
47:23That's right.
47:23Our contestants tried to take photos of median height and median naughtiness.
47:27Let's analyse the height first.
47:29Yeah.
47:31Oh.
47:34It goes?
47:35Yeah.
47:37Yeah.
47:38Yeah.
47:39Did I win this then?
47:41Yeah, that's right.
47:42Celia with the median height, so you win the height category.
47:46Anissa and Brett were tallest and shortest respectively, so they come in second in the height category
47:50and Joel and Rove with the other ones.
47:52Alright, so we have to rank some naughtiness there.
47:54Yes, it's time to analyse naughtiness.
47:55OK, well I'm tempted to say that Anissa and Brett are the same, because they kind of dress
48:00the same, but they're doing something very different.
48:02What's naughty about what you're doing there, Anissa?
48:04Do you want me to...?
48:08And I must say, I was so worried, but then I saw Rove and I'm like, I'm good.
48:16What about Brett?
48:17Well, I was using the stick thing as an erect penis, but then I remembered that it was medium,
48:24so then I folded the fake penis in half so it's a medium dick.
48:28OK.
48:29And then I got bored in the task and forgot they were taking a photo.
48:33Just looking at Celia, were you actually naked?
48:36It looks like I'm having an emergency in the shower.
48:40Right, but is that naughty or natural?
48:44Pfft!
48:44Depends.
48:45In a supermarket.
48:46Pfft!
48:47Pfft!
48:48Rove committed to his look very early on in the task, I felt.
48:54We had the pleasure of seeing you did a few minor variations.
48:57First of all, it was nipple.
48:58I workshopped through it.
48:59It was a process, wasn't it?
49:00It evolved.
49:00I went for Brett Blake and just felt it.
49:02OK.
49:02And then we've got Joel.
49:04Joel?
49:06Well...
49:06You just look like you're on the toilet and you're dropping your newspaper.
49:09LAUGHTER
49:10I was being very naughty and wasn't in time for the camera, was I?
49:14Oh, naughty, naughty!
49:17LAUGHTER
49:19Joel is last because he didn't look too offensive to me.
49:22Oh!
49:22LAUGHTER
49:23I find nudity to be natural, not that naughty, so second last is Celia.
49:27I'm going to say Brett was quite naughty and Nisa was a little bit naughtier.
49:32The naughtiest was watching Roe McManus.
49:35Do a rude thing or throw a zipper.
49:36Yeah.
49:37OK, so putting together medium height and medium naughtiness, what do we have?
49:41We've got three contestants in third place, Tide, Nisa, Joel and Rove.
49:45Celia is in second place with four points, but Brett wins the task with five points.
49:49APPLAUSE
49:52So, who has won the first episode?
49:55Ooh!
49:56Well...
49:57Could it be?
49:58LAUGHTER
50:00Where this seems to be leading is whether you just put a pirate hat on and sit on a box...
50:06LAUGHTER
50:07..or jump over a b**** fire.
50:11LAUGHTER
50:12Roe, if you're in last place.
50:13LAUGHTER
50:15LAUGHTER
50:17But Roe's right.
50:18Brett's way out in front with 23 points and is the winner of the first episode!
50:21CHEERING
50:24Congratulations to Brett.
50:25Head up to the stage to collect your prize-tast things.
50:29CHEERING
50:32Well, there we go.
50:34What have we learnt?
50:35Three of them learnt eggs might cost a bit, but touching them will cost you dearly.
50:39Brett took a lesson from the great El Farber and defied gravity...
50:45LAUGHTER
50:46Oh!
50:46Nice.
50:47Nice.
50:48..and while Joel forgot what his blue ball looked like...
50:51LAUGHTER
50:52..we'll never unlearn the sight of Grant Daniels.
50:55LAUGHTER
50:56Give it up once more for our episode winner, Brett!
50:59Good night!
51:00CHEERING
51:18Now the real fun begins.
51:20Oh!
51:21Five of the brightest...
51:22I don't get it!
51:23...most physically gifted comedians in Australia...
51:26..all of whom have perfect hand-eye coordination...
51:31..will compete to win a prize...
51:33..huzzah!
51:34..by impressing me.
51:35Damn it!
51:36Hail Tom!
51:37Aren't you the Taskmaster?
51:38Oh, you...
51:39Ah!
51:41You're not the Taskmaster.
51:45Brett, just to confirm, I am the F***ing Taskmaster!
51:48LAUGHTER
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