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00:00In 1979, on a school skiing trip, PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an avalanche.
00:07Perfectly preserved under the snow, he was found and miraculously brought back to life over 40 years later.
00:17Incredible. Right lunch. Another three hours of minder.
00:30So I'll change the situation.
00:35I thought it raised some very interesting issues about modern culture and that.
00:41You were asleep the whole film?
00:42It was three hours long for you. I can't be expected to hold in real.
00:47Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
00:51What's going on?
00:53It's out. We isolated it for the kitchen.
00:56Nice up, boys.
00:57My lovely house! Did you do this?
01:00I'm perfectly safe. Thank you for asking.
01:02Because if you did, Mammoth, I swear to God that I...
01:05Mum, I don't think it was Granda...
01:06What?!
01:07I mean, what, Tony?
01:09I lit a scented candle this morning and I just don't know if I'll put it out.
01:16Oh, Theo. They're so careless. You could have killed us all.
01:21Mystery's solved, boys. The kid did it. Just hope to God he's learned his lesson.
01:25I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions.
01:28I've got thick skin, Mel. In a way, I blame myself, you know?
01:31You grew up without a dad.
01:33Now below not to become a proper parent.
01:34I'm a very good parent. Thank you.
01:37But I'm back now.
01:39And that's the most important thing.
01:41And you and you can turn this around.
01:44Oh, my baby.
01:47Can I go on the big hose, boys?
01:48Yeah, yeah.
01:49Excuse me.
01:53It's heavy, isn't it?
01:54It's heavy, man.
01:56Nice to meet you.
01:58You can't.
01:59It's actually heavy with my mind.
02:01Yeah!
02:02It's heavy.
02:03You know, I'm very tired.
02:05You know, but God's the same thing.
02:07You know, I'll be right back, man.
02:09You know, I'm great too.
02:11You know, the same thing.
02:13It's so sweet.
02:15I'm glad you are.
02:17I'm ready to let it go.
02:19You know, I'm ready.
02:20You can stay here as long as you like.
02:34My house is your house.
02:36Yay!
02:38Always wanted my house to be like a 1970s shag pad.
02:42Well, what do you think?
02:43Yeah, do I have to sleep on a waterbed?
02:45It's just very bouncy.
02:47It is very bouncy, Theo.
02:48It does half the work for you, if you know what I mean.
02:50You see the calendar?
02:51Yeah, made me a bit uncomfortable, Grandad.
02:53What? Why? It's just art.
02:56All right, July's a little bit spicy.
02:59Just get rid of it, Theo.
03:00Right, best get going.
03:02You're a bloody gorgeous, Mel.
03:03Oh, thank you.
03:05Where are you going, tupperware party?
03:06No, just start with a friend.
03:08Oh, a friend, eh?
03:09A couple of pretty girls on the town, footloose and fancy-free.
03:13Right, have fun, boys.
03:15Don't look at or touch anything at Grandad's house.
03:17I can't hear you.
03:18Yeah.
03:19Oi.
03:22No.
03:23Fair enough.
03:31Oh, they're both brilliant.
03:36Matthew!
03:37Wow!
03:38You look really good, Mel.
03:39Really great outfit.
03:41It's a weird way of saying it, but thank you.
03:43I love your shirt.
03:46Oh, thanks.
03:47It's from Fat Face.
03:48Oh.
03:49So, where are we going?
03:50I was thinking maybe some tapas.
03:53Tapas!
03:53Wow!
03:55Oh, that sounds excellent, Mel.
03:56Really excellent.
03:58These are for you.
03:59Oh.
04:00Shall we go, then?
04:01Um, time for tapas.
04:03Oh!
04:03You look with your eyes, sunshine.
04:07What are you doing?
04:08Get off him!
04:08What exactly are your intentions with my daughter?
04:10We're going on a date.
04:12Bacon effect, please.
04:14I don't like him, Mel.
04:15I couldn't care less.
04:16Hi, Matthew.
04:17Nice to meet you.
04:19Fine.
04:21Matthew, 20 mammoth.
04:24I might have been a bit out of order there.
04:26You did have your wandering hands all over my daughter.
04:28I'm so sorry.
04:31Can we talk for a drink before you go?
04:32Oh, that's such a nice offer.
04:33I'm driving, Tony.
04:35Have you got any alcohol-free beer?
04:38No.
04:40Do you want some milk?
04:41I love the house, Tony.
04:43So retro.
04:44Matthew's actually a bit of a 70s head.
04:47Oh, really?
04:47That's the best decade, wasn't it?
04:48The music, the films, not the tacky, fancy dress stuff,
04:51you know, the curly wigs and all that,
04:53but the proper 70s, you know.
04:54Jerry Rafferty, Dirty Harry.
04:56No, you're talking.
04:58Theo, go and get Matthew another milk.
04:59I'll come with you just in case.
05:01I'm not going to burn down every kitchen I go into.
05:05Oh, the professionals.
05:07Is this the one where Keith Barron plays a terrorist?
05:09Who's a biochemist?
05:10Whose name is Nesbitt.
05:15Theo, what did I say to you?
05:16Didn't I say this is the one where Keith Barron is a terrorist,
05:19who's also a biochemist, whose name is Nesbitt?
05:21You did, and I still don't know who Keith Barron is.
05:23As much as I'd like to stand here and talk about Keith Barron again,
05:26shall we make a move?
05:27No, no, no, me and Matthew are just getting started.
05:29Yes, well, me and Matthew are going for tapas, so bye.
05:31It's been so nice to meet you, Tony.
05:32Listen, have a great night.
05:34Make sure you come back here later for a proper drink.
05:36Right, we're going.
05:40I'll see you soon, Matt.
05:41See you, Tony.
05:42No, take those with you.
05:44Yeah, take them with you.
05:45OK.
05:46Cheers.
05:47Thanks.
05:53Stop rolling around like a Spaniard and kick him back!
05:56Mr. Mammoth?
05:57Skipper, if it's about the loser bib again, I am not getting rid of it.
06:00It's a tremendous motivator for the boys.
06:02I'm open.
06:06No, I just heard from Miss Mansford.
06:09There's been a family emergency and she's not going to be in for a few days.
06:13I need you to cover for her.
06:16Yes, boss?
06:17As head of PE.
06:18Well, it's more just covering her lessons and...
06:21As head of PE.
06:22So, like an audition.
06:24Prove I can do the job and then it's all mine.
06:26No, definitely not.
06:28Gotcha.
06:29Makes a lot more sense having Mr. Mammoth as head of department.
06:32I mean, at the moment, you've got a lion taking orders from a gazelle.
06:36A capable gazelle, possibly, but a gazelle nonetheless.
06:39And a lion would not take orders from a gazelle.
06:41You couldn't expect it to.
06:42A big tiger, maybe.
06:45Possibly a bear.
06:47But I don't really know what a bear would be doing in the middle of the African savannah.
06:52Unless someone had opened a zoo.
06:54Okay.
06:55Okay.
06:55But it really is just for the week.
06:58Nobody's expecting you to...
06:59To dot the I's, cross the T's.
07:02Yes, I think I'd better go home and change into something a little more befitting ahead of department.
07:10Thank you, Skipper.
07:11New referee, lads.
07:13Tag the loser till I get back.
07:15Get him, boys.
07:16Get him!
07:17Sorry.
07:26My fault, Theo.
07:28After you.
07:29Oh, look at this.
07:31Why is everyone being so weird?
07:33Everyone's afraid of you now.
07:35They think you're dangerous.
07:37They think you've burned down your own house.
07:39It's been going around the whole school.
07:41I don't want everyone thinking I'm crazy.
07:43You're Theo, yeah?
07:45I'm Amber.
07:47Oh, yeah, I know.
07:50I've...
07:50I've...
07:51Watched your maths.
07:53Not watched you.
07:55Watched you.
07:55I sit behind you.
07:57If anything, I've actually been looking the other way, so...
08:01Did you really set fire to your own house?
08:05Because you felt that no-one understood you?
08:08What?
08:09Well, of course I...
08:11I...
08:14I did.
08:17Yeah, I did.
08:19I...
08:20I just want to watch the world burn.
08:24Hmm?
08:33You're the man, Theo.
08:35Now, I think the only place to start is with the recent safeguarding issues.
08:42First things first, please, Mr Cowley.
08:44As you all know, I am Tony Mammoth, head of PE.
08:48Well, no, that's not...
08:49And as head of PE, things are going to change, starting with funding.
08:57PE has been woefully underfunded for years.
09:00Well, no longer.
09:02And on my watch, I'll personally be overseeing construction of...
09:05A PE relaxation area...
09:08A PE solarium and a PE rollerball arena.
09:18How are we going to fund all of this?
09:19I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of measures, which are sadly absolutely necessary.
09:26Chemistry, biology and physics.
09:29Hands up, please.
09:30That is one subject.
09:31Science.
09:32Not three.
09:33There will be layoffs and job shares.
09:35German and French.
09:37Hands up, please.
09:39Interesting.
09:39You understood English.
09:41As do we all.
09:42You'll be reassigned to the PE department or offered redundancy.
09:45Well, thank you, Mr Mammoth.
09:50Plenty to think about there.
09:52Now, getting back to the safeguarding issues.
09:54Would anybody like to...
09:57Obviously, we all feel that with the current safeguarding issues...
10:00Do I have to listen to this?
10:01Yes.
10:02Fair enough. Carry on.
10:03We could take further action to...
10:05Oh, I've just remembered.
10:07Got to go and give blood.
10:09Yeah.
10:11Just want to make some notes for me.
10:13I'll read those later.
10:14Look forward to that.
10:16Bye, everyone.
10:22My parents are away this weekend, if you want to hang out.
10:25Unless you've got plans.
10:27I never make plans.
10:29You know, what's the point?
10:31It all just goes to shit.
10:34This weekend.
10:36Yeah.
10:37Yeah, cool.
10:39I'll DM you.
10:44Well, well, well.
10:45Some mammoth jeans in you after all.
10:47Good lad.
10:48Grandad, is it okay to pretend to be someone you're not just to keep a girl interested?
10:53Of course it is.
10:56Well, it's just that Amber only likes me because she thinks I'm a bad boy.
10:59The whole school does.
11:01Should I own up?
11:02Theo, don't be such a fanny.
11:06You've got a reputation, home.
11:07That's good.
11:08That's why I spread those rumours in the first place.
11:11Women love a bad boy.
11:12See you later.
11:17Wow.
11:20Oh, Matthew.
11:21Oh, wow, Mel.
11:23Another brilliant outfit.
11:25Yeah, thanks.
11:27Didn't expect to see you here.
11:29I invited him over.
11:31Oh, great.
11:32Without telling me, first.
11:34We're having a Gene Hackman night.
11:36We just watched the French Connection.
11:38Took me back to Marseille.
11:40The time's out there.
11:41What times have you had in Marseille?
11:44Booze cruise with Roger?
11:45No.
11:46On a rugby trip to Spain.
11:47Marseille's not in Spain.
11:49Driver was pissed.
11:51Different times.
11:52Another spellbinding anecdote.
11:53You're not going to keep talking, do you?
11:56I'm sorry.
11:57Would you rather have left so you and Matthew can watch your film in peace?
12:00If you wouldn't mind, thanks.
12:02Well, I'm going for a shower, but I'm going because I want to, not because you told me.
12:07Have a great shower, Mel.
12:09Thanks.
12:09You saw the goal, that girl.
12:11Make sure you treat her right.
12:14Oh, absolutely, Tony.
12:15Don't get me wrong.
12:16You're a bloke, and a good-looking bloke, with a fabulous moustache.
12:19Probably fighting the girls off with a shitty stick.
12:22Used to play in the field, but not anymore.
12:25Not only with my daughter.
12:26No, I've never been into playing the field.
12:28I respect women too much.
12:30It's okay, she can't hear you.
12:31I know some blokes jump from bed to bed, but honestly, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
12:38Bloody hell, you're good.
12:39I would not want to play you in poker.
12:43Any plans for tomorrow?
12:44I'm just going to see Mel for lunch.
12:45Sack it off.
12:47I've got two free lessons.
12:48I'm supposed to be covering geography, but I don't even like geography.
12:52Me and you, man's day.
12:53A couple of pints.
12:53A game of snooker?
12:54I'm dreadful at snooker, Tony.
12:55What darts, then?
12:56I'm not much better at the old arrows, either, to be honest.
12:58Well, what else is there for a couple of stallions to do?
13:02Ever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be the one that shines on me like the morning sun.
13:30Take me far beyond the imagination.
13:38You're my dream come true, my consolation.
13:46Ever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be the one that shines in me like the morning sun.
14:03Ever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be the one that shines in me like the morning sun.
14:10Trust in me, we'll follow you eternally.
14:17And then me and Matthew just hung out, you know, talked about stuff.
14:27Is that why you cancelled our lunch yesterday?
14:29To be fair to him, I told him you'd cancelled it.
14:31Why would you even do that?
14:32As I was saying, I think one of the care home staff might be stealing from me, but I can't put my...
14:38Matthew is brilliant.
14:39And no offence, Roger, it's so nice to have a friend who can actually do stuff, because they're not old.
14:43Yes, why bother seeing me at all?
14:46I don't know, really.
14:47Sense of loyalty, I suppose.
14:48Duty even.
14:49Another great thing about Matthew, he loves the 70s.
14:52He's going to make a fantastic son-in-law.
14:54See you later.
14:55Er, Theo, make-up?
14:58Oh, I love it.
15:00Now, you can be whoever you want to be, and I will always be proud.
15:06I'm an ally.
15:07Yeah, Mum, it's not what you think.
15:09It's what girly fancies in school.
15:11What?
15:12Work for Mark Bolan!
15:15Oh, no, when you see Matthew later, send him my love.
15:18Actually, tell him I said hi.
15:19Tell him, tell him Mammoth says hello.
15:21Actually, I'm thinking of breaking up with him.
15:24What?
15:25Are you out of your mind?
15:26You'll never do better than Matthew, Mel.
15:28He's the total package.
15:29I'm just not feeling it.
15:30You can't finish with Matthew.
15:32He's my best friend.
15:33Thank you very much.
15:37Mel.
15:40Matthew's in love with you.
15:43He's not in love with me.
15:44We've only been on a few dates.
15:45He said he's got it real bad.
15:47He said, and he'll kill me for this,
15:51he said he can't imagine his world without you in it.
15:54Really?
15:56Oh, I've not been getting that vibe at all.
15:58He's putting up a wall, Mel.
16:00He's done it ever since his...
16:03wife died.
16:06His wife?
16:06Dead.
16:08Oh, that's so sad.
16:10I mean, why didn't he tell me?
16:11I didn't even know he'd been married.
16:13Don't want to upset you.
16:14Go through all that hurt again.
16:15I want to get him over tonight for a meal.
16:18Oh, no.
16:19For God's sake, Mel.
16:21Have a heart.
16:23All right, I suppose so.
16:27Don't mention the dead wife.
16:30Well, now you're finally ready,
16:32can you drive me to this hospital appointment?
16:35Oh, I can't now, Rog.
16:37Tell you what, let me pay for your taxi.
16:41Actually, thinking about it,
16:42you get a free bus pass nowadays, don't you?
16:44You lucky sod.
16:46I'll see you later.
16:50Marvellous.
16:51Mel wants me to come over for dinner,
16:52but I don't know.
16:54To be honest, I'm thinking about calling things off.
16:57I mean, talking to you about the places you've been,
16:59it's inspired me.
17:00I want to see the world.
17:01The world's rubbish.
17:03Just told you about the good bits.
17:05Everything you need is right here.
17:07What about Mel?
17:09I think she just sees me as a friend.
17:11Couldn't be more wrong.
17:13She'll kill me for this.
17:15She told me she loves you.
17:18She loves me.
17:21Well, that's even more reason to call it off.
17:23It's not right to be with a woman
17:25if you're not emotionally on the same wavelength.
17:27Can you please be serious for one second?
17:30Just give Din's night a chance, will you?
17:32For Mel?
17:33For little Theo?
17:34He always sees you as a father figure.
17:37Really?
17:38Yeah.
17:40He'll kill me for this.
17:41He told me you're his rock.
17:43I don't think we've ever spoken.
17:44I said, I've spoken Bond.
17:46He said if he went away,
17:47he doesn't know what he'd do.
17:48He said he'd probably burn down another house or something.
17:52I said, but if you're happy with that in your conscience...
17:54I really don't want that.
17:55I'll give dinner a go.
17:56Shall I get this?
17:57No, no, you put your money away.
17:59You're a good man.
18:03Thanks, Maynath.
18:05Nice bag.
18:07It'd be a shame if someone got unknown.
18:09Set fire to it.
18:14Hey.
18:15Hey.
18:16You all right?
18:18Miss Weaver's being like such a bitch.
18:20She totally had to go on me
18:21just because I told her I think her English lessons are pointless
18:23and I don't respect her as a person.
18:25Cool.
18:27I mean, some English skills are useful for everyday life.
18:31I mean, cool.
18:32I just want to totally teach her a lesson.
18:35Oh, yeah, me too.
18:37I am raging on your behalf.
18:39Great.
18:41I knew I could count on you to do it.
18:43Always.
18:45Sorry, to do what?
18:47Set fire to a car.
18:49We'll do it after school.
18:51That'll show her.
18:51You're awesome.
18:57Deal.
19:05What am I going to do?
19:07Grandad, I can't set fire to a car.
19:09You don't have to set fire to anything.
19:11Just make her think that you are.
19:12But as you're about to, head of PE,
19:15Tony Mammoth turns up and puts a stop to it.
19:17You still look like a bad boy.
19:18You still get the girl.
19:20And you lose your virginity this weekend.
19:25Well, who says I'm a virgin?
19:273.30 staff, car park?
19:37Yeah.
19:37Thanks.
19:38This better be good, Skipper.
19:49As you can see, I'm up to my eyeballs in head of PE work.
19:52Well, as you're covering, Miss Mansford,
19:55I just wondered if you filled in that teacher performance form yet.
19:58Peter, please.
20:00I'm trying to focus all my energies on being the best head of PE I can be.
20:03You simply cannot keep pile of work on me.
20:05As I said, it's more of a temporary arrangement.
20:08And don't forget, you're on the road to supervise detention today.
20:11I've already done it.
20:13Took about 11 this afternoon.
20:15Detention isn't really a punishment if it's during school time.
20:18Yeah, but detention after school is punishing me, isn't it?
20:21And I haven't done anything wrong.
20:23Now, if there's nothing else, I read I've got a lot on.
20:31Great.
20:31I can't believe you're actually doing this for me.
20:37It's so good.
20:40Yeah, well, you know, starting fires, breaking rules.
20:43That is just what I do, baby.
20:46I find it's the only way I can really feel, you know.
20:51Er, what time is it?
20:54And here's another for when you get home, Tony.
20:57And Gem Roly-Poly and Custard.
20:59Oh, who loves you, baby?
21:00Eh?
21:02Kojak.
21:03Tell me you've never seen Kojak, Irene.
21:06No, Kojak.
21:07What's it about?
21:08Telly's of Alice.
21:09Playing a hard-hitting detective on the streets of 1970s Manhattan.
21:12Oh, 1970s Manhattan.
21:15Francie.
21:16Jelly, Tony.
21:18Yeah, go on.
21:19OK, quick.
21:26Before someone comes.
21:28Yeah.
21:29You know, of course.
21:31Oh, you know what might be an even colder way of getting Miss Weaver back?
21:34Like, an e-petition.
21:36Actually, it might shit her right up, you know.
21:38Come on.
21:39What are you waiting for?
21:42So Kojak's got the hostages out, right?
21:44But how are you going to tell?
21:45They've still got him.
21:45Then one of his goons says, kill you's going to give me great satisfaction.
21:49Then guess what happened?
21:50He shoots their faces off!
21:52Jesus Christ.
21:53No, Irene, no.
21:54Kojak's cool.
21:56He just picks up Calvary's body and walks out of there.
21:58It takes more than a gun to scare Kojak.
22:01Oh.
22:02Oh, bollocks.
22:07You going to do it or not?
22:09I can't do it.
22:12I'm not that guy.
22:14The fire at the house, it wasn't deliberate.
22:17I forgot to put out a candle.
22:19A scented candle.
22:21This isn't me.
22:25But you know what?
22:26This is.
22:35So, what do you say?
22:38Do you want to take a chance on the real me?
22:43No.
22:47Fair enough.
22:50Where the hell were you?
22:53I look like an idiot.
22:54Amber's gone.
22:55You were meant to stop me.
22:58I know it looks like I let you down.
23:02And, er...
23:03I will kill myself for saying this.
23:07I was over there the whole time, watching you.
23:11Wanted you to learn a lesson about, you know, being true to yourself.
23:15Rubbish.
23:16You were in the canteen.
23:17That's a hell of a thing to say to your own grandad Theo.
23:19A hell of a thing!
23:19A gem roly-poly and custard?
23:24No!
23:26Actually, yes.
23:27Mr. Mammoth.
23:28Great.
23:29Glad I caught you before you went home.
23:31Here's the paperwork you need to do for tomorrow's government.
23:34No, no, no, Skipper.
23:35I'm sorry to do this.
23:36I know it's going to break your heart.
23:38But I have to turn down the position of head of PE.
23:42I cannot emphasise enough.
23:44It was never on the table.
23:46Yeah, well, I'm taking it off the table.
23:47It's too much.
23:48The pressure, the hours, the endless paperwork.
23:53Almost cost me the most important thing in my life.
23:57My best mate.
23:59Matthew.
24:03I won't be needing this anymore.
24:10Let's go, Theo.
24:11Great.
24:17That is perfectly cooked.
24:19Right, I'll give you 50 quid.
24:20Call Matthew Dad.
24:21Well, I'm not calling him Dad.
24:22I've got a dad.
24:23I've got to make everything about you.
24:28Hey, hey!
24:30Matthew!
24:31You look great.
24:32Oh, you smell amazing.
24:35Why is that?
24:37Nothing.
24:38I haven't put anything on.
24:41Hi, Theo.
24:42My favourite little guy.
24:45Say hello to Matthew.
24:47Hello.
24:48He's a bit shy.
24:49Me and Matthew have got something really important we need to talk to you about.
24:53Before that, though, first course, prawn cocktail.
24:56Main course, roast beef.
24:59And in the fridge for dessert, angel delight.
25:01Both flavours, blue and pink.
25:04Matt, Matthew, you might want to take a seat.
25:05Come on.
25:13Now, Tony, this has nothing to do with you.
25:16You're a great guy.
25:17But Mel and I have decided to break up.
25:23What?
25:25Why?
25:26Was it Theo?
25:28We just see each other as friends.
25:31What's a couple of start up as friends?
25:33Give it five or six years.
25:35Please, don't make this harder than it needs to be.
25:38It's over, Tony.
25:42Fine.
25:43Whatever.
25:45We're all adults.
25:47You can make your own mind up.
25:48It's nothing to do with me.
25:50I don't know what I was thinking of anyway.
25:53Oh, and a cracking young bloke like you want to spend time with her.
25:57A crazy old dreamer like me for.
26:00Good night.
26:05Good riddance to bad rubbish.
26:19That's what I say.
26:20That Matthew.
26:20Absolute time waster.
26:22Nothing like you, old mate.
26:23So, I set up a hidden camera at the care home to see if someone was stealing from me.
26:29And guess what?
26:30Modern men like Matthew.
26:31They're nothing like us.
26:32Two blokes have been through so much together.
26:35Two blokes who take a bullet for each other.
26:37Inseparable.
26:37I don't know what we do without each other.
26:41No.
26:42I'd love to find out.
26:49It's a heartache
26:51Nothing but a heartache
26:55Hit you when it's too late
26:59Hit you when you're down
27:03It's a fool's game
27:07Nothing but a fool's game
27:12Standing in the cold rain
27:16Feeling like a cloud
27:19God
27:23Looks good to it
27:24Whoa
27:26What is it?
27:26Is the only one
27:26One
27:27Boy
27:28What is it?
27:30Is believe
27:31It's yourições
27:33That God
27:33Hoos
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