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00:01The musician Kesha has blasted the White House for using her song.
00:05Kesha joins a growing list of musicians, such as Olivia Rodrigo and Sabrina Carpenter,
00:11who have spoken out against the Trump administration for illegally using their material.
00:16The Late Show has acquired the full response from Kesha.
00:30The musicians who hate him are his go-to songs, cause the list of artists who like him is not
00:35very long.
00:37It's Kid Rock, Kid Rock, not to mention Kid Rock.
00:41Plus there's rocker James Ritchie, that's the real name of Kid Rock.
00:45Maybe a kid with a rock, but I'm guessing probably not.
00:49Oh wait, this buffoon has only what to say!
00:57It's the Late Show with Stephen Colbert!
01:02Tonight, crazed and confused!
01:06Plus, Stephen welcomes Jay Gyllenhaal and Maria Bamford!
01:15Featuring Louis Kato and the great big Joy machine!
01:19And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theatre in New York City, it's Stephen Colbert!
01:40Hello!
01:41Hello!
01:42Hello!
01:46Hello!
01:47Hello!
01:48Hello!
01:52Welcome, one and all, to The Late Show.
01:53I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
01:55Thank you, gentlemen.
01:57And there you go.
01:59We are on four, right?
02:02Yeah.
02:03We are on day four of what we here at The Late Show
02:06are calling a war with Iran.
02:09We're trying to keep it simple
02:12because it's confusing enough already.
02:14The United States and Israel continue to bomb them,
02:18and Iran is launching counter-strikes
02:19at the U.S. and its allies in the region.
02:21Yesterday, the U.S. Embassy in Riyadh was attacked by two drones,
02:24and today, a drone targeted the U.S. consulate in Dubai.
02:28Thankfully, there were no injuries from the attack.
02:30But the State Department is taking no chances.
02:32They say Americans should depart now via commercial means
02:35from Bahrain, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Israel,
02:40the occupied West Bank and Gaza,
02:41Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Syria,
02:45the United Arab Emirates, and Yemen.
02:47And let's... we have this.
02:49Let's go to the official announcement.
02:50And there's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan,
02:52but Yemen is great in Bahrain.
03:04Thank you, Marco Rubio.
03:07One problem with his evacuate order,
03:10depending on the country,
03:11flights out of the Middle East
03:12have been either extremely limited or stopped entirely.
03:15And earlier today, multiple U.S. embassies
03:18told Americans they cannot evacuate
03:19or help them get out of the Middle East.
03:21But if they can't leave,
03:23then what are they supposed to do?
03:25Just wander around the desert?
03:27We all know why that took Moses 40 years.
03:30I refuse to ask directions!
03:36It's increasingly clear that this administration
03:38did not put a lot of thought
03:40into what happens after the initial boom-boom.
03:44Insiders of the Pentagon are warning
03:46that if the fighting goes on too long,
03:47U.S. air defense stockpiles could run out.
03:51The U.S.A. could run out of bombs?
03:56That's like the U.S.A. running out of pumpable cheese.
04:00It's who we are.
04:02It's also what we are.
04:05Earlier today, Trump insisted everything's fine,
04:08saying,
04:08We have unlimited of the middle
04:11and upper middle ammunition and things.
04:14Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
04:16I buy all my weaponry from ammunition and things.
04:20It's way more affordable than bombs, bath, and beyond.
04:31If the U.S. does run out of ammo,
04:35that would be a problem because Trump claims
04:37We haven't even started hitting them hard.
04:40The big wave hasn't even happened.
04:43The big one's coming soon.
04:45When you say big, how big?
04:48Large big?
04:49Buy a bunker big?
04:51Invest in sheep and potable water big?
04:54Run to Times Square and have sex
04:55with the first person you see big?
04:57Because I'm asking for a friend
04:59who was kind of a weird thing for Spider-Man.
05:02It's important.
05:03It's important to remember that Trump has pledged
05:06for years to keep the U.S. out of new wars.
05:10So it's no wonder that voters
05:11aren't jumping automatically on board here.
05:14According to a new CNN poll,
05:1559% of Americans disapprove of the Iran strikes.
05:18But, ah, what if Americans found out
05:20that God wanted this war?
05:22Because according to more than 100 grievances
05:25from U.S. military personnel
05:27stationed at dozens of sites across the Middle East,
05:30U.S. commanders have told troops
05:31that President Trump is, quote,
05:33anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran
05:37to cause Armageddon
05:39and mark his return to Earth.
05:41Well, that's one exit strategy.
05:46Up.
05:48If the end times are near
05:49and the rapture is coming,
05:51it's time to dust off my famous
05:53easy-jeezy helmet
05:56with the, uh,
05:58the no-slip rapture grip
06:07so the Lord can yank me
06:09straight into heaven.
06:12Okay?
06:15This is back for a limited time only.
06:18Just remember, Jesus,
06:19lift with the legs.
06:22It, um,
06:24it gets...
06:26magic hair.
06:27Now, it gets worse.
06:29A source said that one commander
06:31had a big grin on his face
06:32when he said all of this,
06:33which made this message seem even more crazy.
06:36Huh.
06:37I mean, would a smile make it seem crazier?
06:41Trump is anointed by God
06:42and we're all gonna die.
06:53Yeah, that's crazier.
06:56Clearly, Trump is aware
06:58that this is not polling well
06:59because he posted,
07:00if I didn't terminate Obama's horrendous
07:03Iran nuclear deal,
07:05Jack Poa,
07:07Iran would have a nuclear weapon
07:09three years ago.
07:10That is the most dangerous transaction
07:11we have ever entered into.
07:13And had it been allowed to stand,
07:15the world would be
07:15an entirely different place right now.
07:18You can blame
07:19Barack Hussein Obama
07:22and sleepy Joe Biden.
07:24Look, at a certain point,
07:25you don't get to blame
07:26your predecessors anymore
07:27or your predecessor's predecessor.
07:30If I...
07:32Right?
07:33I got something.
07:35All right, we're gonna do our thing.
07:38If I have a joke,
07:40if I have a joke that doesn't work,
07:41which never happens,
07:43and you don't see me saying,
07:45thanks a lot,
07:46David Hussein Letterman,
07:50and sleepy Ed Sullivan.
07:54That's his middle name.
07:56Hussein.
07:58Yeah.
07:58One reason this war
08:00is not doing boffo box office
08:01might be that the administration
08:02does not have a unified message
08:04about why they launched it
08:06and what the goal of the war might be.
08:08Normally, the president addresses
08:09the nation from the Oval Offices
08:10in time of the war.
08:11Trump did not do that.
08:12Instead, he's done some hodgepodge
08:14of at least 19 phone interviews
08:17just answering his phone
08:18for some reporters,
08:20including one who said
08:21he picked up right away,
08:22and when I said...
08:23I had a few questions,
08:24he said,
08:24go ahead.
08:27How lonely is he?
08:30What do we got here?
08:31Oh, spam likely.
08:32Spam likely.
08:35Hello?
08:37Why, yes,
08:38I would like to extend
08:39my vehicle's warranty.
08:41While I have you,
08:42while I have you,
08:43would you like to be
08:44Iran's next supreme leader?
08:47Ayatollah likely
08:48has a nice ring to it.
08:50Okay, now I'm hungry.
08:51When do I get my spam?
08:54At this point...
08:57And scene.
09:02My lady wife.
09:05At this point,
09:06Trump's talked to
09:07The Washington Post,
09:08The New York Times,
09:09NBC News,
09:10CNN,
09:10Fox News,
09:11ABC News,
09:12Axios,
09:13The Atlantic,
09:14The Daily Mail,
09:15MS Now,
09:16The New York Post,
09:17The Telegraph,
09:18Politico,
09:18The Washington Free Beacon,
09:19and an extensive interview
09:21with Horse Illustrated,
09:23where he said,
09:24nay,
09:25to Iran.
09:27Trump,
09:27Trump finally took questions
09:29from the press
09:29after meeting with German
09:30Chancellor Friedrich Merz
09:32in the Oval Office,
09:34and he was asked about
09:35what the war's worst-case scenario
09:37might be,
09:38and his answer
09:39was not the best.
09:40I guess the worst case
09:42would be we do this
09:43and then somebody takes over
09:44who's as bad as the previous
09:46person, right?
09:47That could happen.
09:48We don't want that to happen.
09:50It would probably be the worst.
09:51You go through this,
09:52and then in five years,
09:54you realize you put somebody in
09:56who is no better.
09:57Yeah.
09:58Yeah.
09:59That could happen.
10:01That could happen.
10:03It could happen,
10:04because sometimes
10:05you get a really bad guy
10:06out of office,
10:07and then, like,
10:08four years later,
10:08you get the same guy back,
10:10and he's somehow
10:13worse.
10:17Then...
10:24Then he was asked about
10:25who should take over Iran.
10:26We had some in mind
10:28from that group
10:28that is, uh,
10:30is dead.
10:31And now, uh,
10:33we have another group.
10:34They may be dead also,
10:36based on reports.
10:37So I guess you have
10:38a third wave coming in.
10:40Pretty soon,
10:40we're not going to know anybody.
10:41Yeah.
10:43Pretty soon,
10:44they're not going to know anybody.
10:45They're going to have to
10:45post the job on Indeed.
10:48Supreme Leader,
10:49qualifications,
10:50charismatic,
10:51proficient in Excel,
10:52not dead a plus.
10:54Yes.
10:55Now,
10:56we'll be good.
10:58We'll be good.
11:02We'll be good.
11:03Trump's team is also out there
11:05selling the president's message
11:07of everything,
11:07and also,
11:08something else.
11:09On the night of the strikes,
11:11Trump called on
11:12the Iranian people
11:13to rise up
11:14and overthrow the regime.
11:16But yesterday,
11:17Pete Hegseth said this.
11:19This is not a
11:20so-called regime change war.
11:22But the regime
11:23sure did change.
11:30You
11:32discount
11:33Dr. Seuss douchebag.
11:44We did not bomb them
11:45into rocks.
11:46We bombed them
11:47to get praise on Fox.
11:50Why did we kill
11:51the Ayatollah?
11:52Because I drank
11:53too many rum and cola.
11:56Middle East envoy,
11:58that feels better,
11:59actually.
11:59Middle East envoy,
12:01Steve Whitcoff,
12:02Steve Whitcoff,
12:03Trump's friend,
12:04told us that
12:04they had to bomb Iran
12:06because they were
12:07a week away
12:08from nuclear bomb-making
12:09material.
12:10But on the CBS Nation
12:11face on Sunday,
12:12Ted Cruz said,
12:13nuh-uh.
12:14I have no indication
12:16that they were
12:17anywhere close
12:18to getting nuclear weapons.
12:20So,
12:20we did it
12:21to change the regime
12:22because they were
12:23close to having nukes.
12:24But they weren't
12:25close to having nukes
12:26and we didn't do it
12:27to change the regime.
12:28That was confusing
12:31until the administration
12:32sent this
12:33spokesperson
12:33to clear it up.
12:34Have you ever had
12:35a dream
12:37that you,
12:38um,
12:38you had,
12:39you,
12:40you,
12:40you could,
12:41you do,
12:42you,
12:42you want,
12:43you,
12:44you could do so,
12:45you,
12:45you do,
12:46you could,
12:47you,
12:47you want,
12:48you want him
12:49to do you so much
12:50you could do anything?
13:03Thank you,
13:04Marco Rubio.
13:05We've got a great
13:06show for you tonight.
13:07My guests are
13:08Jake Gyllenhaal,
13:09Maria Bamford,
13:11and when we come back,
13:12meanwhile,
13:13join us,
13:14both of you.
13:37give it up for Louis Cato,
13:39and the great big
13:39toy machine.
13:45I just want to salute
13:46to everybody on the show.
13:48This past Saturday,
13:49we won the
13:50Producers Guild of America
13:51Award for Best Variety
13:54and Talk.
13:55I'm proud of everybody.
13:57Great job, y'all.
13:58Great job, everybody.
14:00You produced the hell
14:01out of this show.
14:02Folks,
14:03if you watch this show,
14:04the PGA Award-winning show,
14:06you know that I spend
14:06most of my time
14:07right over there
14:08in the news studio,
14:09handcrafting the most
14:10topical soft merino
14:11and Anatolian angora
14:12into a slim fit
14:13with constructed soldiers
14:14and a center-back vent
14:16with a sharp silhouette
14:17to craft for you
14:17the timeless yet contemporary
14:18single-breasted wool
14:19and mohair Prada suit
14:20that is my monologue,
14:21but sometimes,
14:22sometimes, folks,
14:25while tripping balls
14:27on salvia and cough syrup
14:28naked on the banks
14:29of the Gowanus Canal,
14:30I cut armholes
14:31in a discarded refrigerator box
14:33and then catwalked
14:34through Park Slope
14:35wearing the gutter Gucci
14:36of news that is my segment.
14:49Meanwhile...
14:50Meanwhile...
14:51Megan Thee Stallion is set
14:52to make her Broadway debut
14:54in Moulin Rouge,
14:56the musical,
14:57and in her honor,
14:58the program for that theater
14:59will be Wet-Ass Playbill.
15:05I don't know what that means.
15:06I don't know what that joke means.
15:09Meanwhile,
15:09a man built
15:10an electrified chess board
15:11that shocks players
15:13for bad moves.
15:15I'm sorry,
15:15that headline again.
15:16Man invents way
15:17to be lonelier.
15:20The idea behind the board
15:22is pretty simple,
15:23is to see if negative reinforcement
15:24would help him
15:25become a better chess player
15:26and whatever.
15:27Here's a bunch of people
15:28getting shocked.
15:30This...
15:32is taser chess.
15:34That's cool.
15:36It looks almost as fun
15:38as shoots and pepper spray.
15:41Meanwhile,
15:41in our previous installment
15:43of Meanwhile,
15:43I assume you watched them all,
15:44I told you about
15:45a New York surgical resident
15:47trying to pay off
15:48his $400,000
15:48in student loans
15:50by making balloon art.
15:52But it seems I forgot
15:53one important detail.
15:55I woke up yesterday
15:56with dozens of messages
15:57saying that I was on
15:58the Stephen Colbert show yesterday.
15:59He didn't mention my name,
16:00so I'm like,
16:01how am I going to get
16:01to this $400,000
16:02if you're not going to plug me?
16:04And so ultimately,
16:04there's only one thing
16:05to do right now.
16:06This is our Stephen Colbert balloon.
16:14Here we go.
16:21First of all,
16:22I had no idea
16:23balloons came in Caucasian.
16:26Clearly,
16:27I got to help this guy out.
16:29There's student debt crisis
16:30and he's a frontline responder
16:32doing critical work
16:32for society,
16:33but mostly because
16:33his balloon version of me
16:34has a waistline
16:35that he has snatched.
16:38Look at that.
16:39I'm like a figure skater.
16:41Okay, here we go.
16:42The guy's Instagram handle
16:44is Dr. Brandini.
16:46Yes.
16:52Dr. Brandini,
16:54he'll make your pancreas
16:55disappear.
16:57The student debt?
16:59That's a little harder.
17:00Meanwhile,
17:01in sugary supplement news,
17:02a chocolate boner syrup
17:04was recalled
17:05for actually containing
17:06a Viagra ingredient.
17:09Syrup in question
17:10is called
17:10Boner Bears.
17:13And now we know
17:14why Paddington
17:15always wears
17:16that trench coat.
17:18Meanwhile...
17:26Meanwhile,
17:27the New York Times
17:27is reporting
17:28on a possible upside
17:29of this bitter
17:29New York City winter.
17:31There might be
17:32fewer rats
17:33because rodent experts
17:35say the prolonged cold weather
17:36could kill some rats.
17:38So breathe easy,
17:39New Yorkers.
17:40After this harsh winter,
17:42all that'll be left
17:43are the
17:43immortal ice rats.
17:46Meanwhile,
17:47try dragonglass.
17:49Meanwhile,
17:50there is an
17:51it candle
17:52of New York City
17:53restaurant bathrooms.
17:54The candle
17:54is called
17:55Wood Cabin
17:56and has been sniffed
17:57at restaurants
17:58and bars everywhere,
17:59from smithereens
18:00and servos
18:01to eel bar hearts
18:02and the fly,
18:03plus smiek,
18:05super bueno,
18:06crispy's,
18:06brimbo,
18:07katana kitten,
18:08legron,
18:09and the stinky horse.
18:10And I'm not going to tell
18:12you non-New Yorkers
18:13which of those names
18:14are made up
18:16because
18:17I don't know.
18:21Maybe all,
18:23maybe none.
18:25Meanwhile,
18:28scientists say
18:29lab-grown brains
18:30are growing
18:31more powerful.
18:33Neat.
18:36Definitely keep
18:38doing that,
18:38science.
18:40No downside.
18:43Meanwhile,
18:44a Los Angeles man
18:46who gave alcohol
18:47to a hawk
18:47has been sentenced
18:48for animal cruelty.
18:50Animal cruelty?
18:52More like
18:54animal
18:56cool tea?
19:07Not a great joke,
19:09but you'll find out
19:09in a minute
19:09why we made it.
19:11Meanwhile,
19:12meanwhile,
19:13in Georgia,
19:14cops had to tell parents
19:15to make sure
19:15they haven't accidentally
19:16packed booze
19:17in their kids' lunches
19:19after a parent
19:20mistakenly put
19:20a canned martini
19:22in their kids' lunch pack.
19:25Okay, but then
19:26what are kids
19:27supposed to give
19:27the hawks?
19:31We'll be right back
19:32with Jake Gyllenhaal.
19:47There you go.
19:48Right down here.
19:49Is this the pipe, baby?
19:52We're piping it through this.
19:53We're piping the heat.
19:55We're shipping it
19:56down this pipe.
19:58Welcome back,
19:59ladies and gentlemen.
20:01Ladies and gentlemen,
20:02my first guest this evening
20:03is a Tony and Oscar
20:06nominated actor
20:07you know from
20:07Brokeback Mountain,
20:08Nightcrawler,
20:09and Roadhouse.
20:10His new film
20:11is The Bride.
20:12Please welcome back
20:13to The Late Show
20:14Jake Gyllenhaal.
20:36I like the all black.
20:39Thank you so much.
20:40So we had the director
20:41of The Bride on,
20:42your sister Maggie.
20:43The film stars
20:44Jesse Buckley
20:45and Christian Bale
20:46and you play
20:46a silver screen matinee
20:49like maybe from the 30s.
20:51It's not quite entirely
20:52clear when,
20:53but it's a black and white
20:54silver screen matinee.
20:57Tell me about
20:57getting the part.
20:58Grueling audition process?
20:59Yeah, it was a tough one.
21:01Yeah?
21:01It was a tough one.
21:02It took 45 years.
21:03But yeah, yeah.
21:05Try it now
21:06with a different animal spine.
21:08Yes.
21:08Yeah?
21:09Yes.
21:09That's sort of how it felt.
21:11I'm not believing you
21:12as a handsome movie star.
21:13Try again.
21:14My sister literally
21:16auditioned me for 45 years
21:17and I finally got the part.
21:19But no, yeah,
21:20she called me six weeks
21:21before she started
21:21shooting the movie
21:22and said,
21:22I finally realized,
21:24even though I offered
21:25the part to a lot
21:26of other people,
21:27that you were the person
21:28who were supposed to do it.
21:30Well, how did she describe
21:32the film role of Ronnie Reed?
21:34Is it Ronnie Reed?
21:35Ronnie Reed.
21:35Ronnie Reed.
21:35Tell me about
21:36how she described
21:37the film role.
21:38You know, Ronnie Reed,
21:39you know, it's a movie
21:40and a movie.
21:41So I play at matinee idol,
21:43a character who,
21:45Christian Bale's character,
21:46Frankenstein,
21:47has a sort of relationship
21:49with through the movies.
21:50And so he goes to his movies
21:51all the time.
21:52He's a big fan.
21:53And it's his first relationship
21:55before he meets the bride,
21:56really.
21:56Right.
21:56And for those people out there
21:58who aren't hip
21:59to what you're talking about here,
22:01The Bride is a retelling,
22:03a reimagining
22:04of The Bride of Frankenstein.
22:06Yes.
22:07In semi-more modern terms
22:09and with a little bit of,
22:10you know,
22:11gangland crime on the side.
22:12Yes.
22:12You know.
22:13Like a little Bonnie and Clyde.
22:14A little Bonnie and Clyde
22:15on the side
22:15and there's a love story
22:16and this time
22:17The Bride talks.
22:18Yes.
22:18A lot.
22:19A lot.
22:20It's her movie.
22:20It is her movie.
22:23Yeah, it's called The Bride.
22:23It's not called Frankenstein.
22:24Yes.
22:24And I think that's the,
22:26you know,
22:27it's essentially undefined.
22:29You can't define the movie.
22:30It exists within its own parameters.
22:32My sister's created this movie
22:33that is uniquely its own.
22:37That's only from her mind
22:38it could come, you know?
22:39You cannot describe this movie.
22:41I insist you describe it.
22:43Yeah.
22:45It would take me 45 years.
22:4645 years to do it.
22:48But I saw it with my family.
22:49We had a really great time
22:50and we had a great discussion
22:51afterwards about what it was about.
22:53Yeah.
22:53We had a lot of arguments
22:54about what it was about.
22:54Yeah, I mean,
22:55So if you enjoy arguing
22:56with your family,
22:56go see this film.
22:59I think I won.
23:00I think I won.
23:01We have a clip here
23:02with Frank and The Bride.
23:05Yes.
23:05Anything we need to know?
23:06They're in a movie theater
23:06watching you.
23:07That's it.
23:07I mean,
23:08what I can say is
23:09you can witness
23:10my sister's brilliance
23:11as both a writer
23:12and a filmmaker
23:13in this
23:13where you learn
23:14about a character,
23:15all the characters,
23:16through them
23:17watching another character.
23:18It's pretty incredible.
23:20So that's the best thing
23:21I can say.
23:22Yvonne?
23:28Believe it or not,
23:30he had polio
23:31as a boy
23:32and they didn't know
23:35if he would be able to walk.
23:37Ronnie,
23:38Etwin Reed.
23:41Still,
23:42one of his legs
23:43is shorter than the other.
23:47He has special shoes made
23:50so that his feet
23:51are even
23:52when he's dancing.
23:53I'm making her breakfast.
23:55She'll be taking her
23:56shave in her shower.
23:59My happy hour.
24:03Is that your kinks?
24:06What?
24:07One leg's shorter
24:08than the other.
24:18That was some
24:20fancy footwork.
24:23It was.
24:24Yes.
24:25Someone else's
24:25fancy footwork.
24:26Yeah, you look great
24:27in black and white.
24:27Thank you so much.
24:29You should do that
24:29more often.
24:30Thank you so much.
24:31Yeah, the silver screen idol.
24:33Have you always been a hoofer?
24:35No, I am not a hoofer
24:37to this day.
24:37You've had to do some
24:37hooving.
24:38You've had to do
24:38some hooving, certainly.
24:39I like to dance a bit,
24:40but no, tap dancing
24:42was never really my thing.
24:43Actually, and I really tried.
24:45I had six weeks
24:46to learn how to tap dance.
24:47That's not a lot.
24:48Maggie said to me,
24:48you can do it.
24:49And I was like,
24:50I don't know,
24:51I really don't think I can.
24:52She's like,
24:52you can do it.
24:52You'll be fine.
24:53And I was like,
24:54okay, so I tried.
24:55But those are not my feet.
24:57So...
25:01I try to learn
25:03over the strike.
25:04You can try
25:05and make your little brother
25:06do almost anything,
25:07but not every...
25:07You know,
25:07sometimes we win.
25:08Yeah, yeah.
25:09But you tried to...
25:10I tried to learn
25:10to tap dance over...
25:12I had big plans
25:12when the strike came
25:13in 2023.
25:14I went,
25:15I'm going to learn
25:15to tap dance.
25:16That's what I'm going to take.
25:17It was five months.
25:18I took four lessons.
25:20And?
25:20It's very hard.
25:22No, no, no, no, no.
25:23I can't even do the time set.
25:24I can't.
25:25Come on!
25:25I cannot.
25:26I cannot.
25:26Come on.
25:27You ready?
25:33There.
25:34I wish, guys.
25:36Guys, please.
25:37Guys, please.
25:39Steven!
25:39Steven!
25:40Steven!
25:41Steven!
25:42Steven!
25:42Steven!
25:43Steven!
25:44You guys,
25:45if you guys hadn't been
25:46clapping and chanting,
25:47you would have heard me
25:48tapping back here.
25:50You know,
25:50the thing,
25:51we had a little bit of a trick.
25:52Once they realized
25:52that I was totally
25:53not capable of tap dancing,
25:56all they asked for
25:57was just a shot
25:57from here above
25:59for me just acting out
26:00as if I was
26:01so they had my face doing it.
26:02Can I see your face
26:03when you're supposed
26:04to be tap dancing?
26:05It's worse
26:06than the tap dancing.
26:09It literally is like
26:10if you cut me out,
26:11if you cut me off,
26:11it's like this.
26:12It's like...
26:14It's terrible.
26:15It's absolutely terrible.
26:16Yeah, I believe it.
26:17It's terrible.
26:17I totally believe it.
26:19We have to take a quick break.
26:20We're right back
26:21with more
26:21Jake Gyllenhaal, everybody.
26:23Stick around.
26:29Sit down.
26:32There's more.
26:33Oh!
26:34Hey, there it is!
26:35Sit down.
26:36They all stood up.
26:37We are back.
26:38They stood up, too.
26:39Don't just stand up
26:39because the audience
26:40stands up.
26:41What do you mean?
26:42If the audience
26:42jumped off a cliff,
26:44would you do that?
26:45I mean, they're
26:45a great audience.
26:49Ladies and gentlemen,
26:50I apologize for him.
26:51We're back
26:51with Jake Gyllenhaal.
26:53Last night,
26:53Maggie said
26:54you've always taken
26:55direction from her.
26:57Is that just
26:58an older sister brag
26:59or she's always
27:00been telling you
27:01what to do?
27:01Did she direct you
27:02in the living room
27:04and stuff
27:04when you were a kid?
27:06From the day
27:07I arrived
27:08on this earth,
27:09I've been...
27:10Were there any special
27:11performances you remember?
27:13Any backyard miracles?
27:15There's some things
27:16I can't forget.
27:17I mean,
27:17I really, truly like...
27:18What was the biggest
27:20production you guys
27:20put on?
27:21Oh, cats.
27:24How many of you
27:25were in Cats?
27:27There were like five of us.
27:28So my parents
27:29would have dinner parties
27:30and during the dinner parties
27:33that was an audience
27:34for family performers.
27:36And so my sister
27:37would direct
27:38most of the musicals
27:39and she decided
27:41to put on Cats.
27:42Was she starring in it?
27:43I was excited.
27:43Yes, she starred in it.
27:44Yeah.
27:45She didn't write it, though.
27:46So that was...
27:48And she put on a song
27:49from the show
27:50and then people
27:51would dance and stuff.
27:52So her and her friend,
27:53Erica and her,
27:54they were the stars of it
27:55and stuff
27:55and they were the Cats
27:55and stuff.
27:56And I was eagerly
27:57always just waiting
27:58for, you know,
27:59anything she wanted.
28:00And she just...
28:01She decided she'd get
28:02a bowl of milk
28:03and put it over
28:03in the corner
28:04and she would make me
28:05just lap milk
28:06out of the bowl.
28:09And what I would say
28:10is that I never did it right.
28:15But it's okay.
28:16It's okay.
28:16It's not believable.
28:17It was just...
28:18It was a lot of direction
28:19and I just couldn't...
28:21But...
28:21So compare that
28:23to being directed
28:24by the adult
28:25Maggie Gyllenhaal.
28:26I mean,
28:27in all honesty,
28:30it's one of the most
28:31unforgettable experiences
28:32of my career.
28:33To be...
28:36To watch my sister
28:37create something
28:37from her own mind
28:38with this size,
28:41with this much gusto
28:42and this much bravery,
28:46and to have her ask me
28:47to be in it
28:48and then for her
28:48to direct me,
28:50it was a...
28:52I don't know.
28:53It was...
28:53I can't put it into words.
28:54It's sort of...
28:55What do you...
29:02What do you look for
29:03in a director?
29:04What does Jake Gyllenhaal
29:04look for in a director?
29:05I like to ask...
29:06A sister.
29:07A sister.
29:08Do you want somebody
29:09to just leave you alone
29:10or are you looking
29:11for somebody to go like,
29:12uh, this time,
29:14but more...
29:16It totally depends.
29:18I mean,
29:18it depends on the material,
29:19it depends on the environment,
29:20it depends on your relationship,
29:22you know?
29:22You don't have to tell me
29:22the director,
29:23but what's the weirdest note
29:24you've ever gotten?
29:26Weirdest?
29:27I just remember,
29:28like...
29:30Like...
29:30Ang Lee gave a lot
29:31of wonderful...
29:32Ang Lee gave a lot of notes.
29:33Yeah, he did.
29:34Yeah, he would come up
29:35and be,
29:35that was bad,
29:36you know?
29:40Oh, okay, great.
29:41Okay, great.
29:42Okay, thank you.
29:42So not like that.
29:43So not that.
29:44All of that, no.
29:46But not that.
29:46Like, was it me?
29:47He's like,
29:47yes, it was you.
29:48No, no, no.
29:50No, no, like that,
29:51but I mean,
29:52that movie didn't turn out
29:53so bad, so...
29:54Yeah, that's refreshing.
29:55Yeah.
29:55That's refreshing.
29:56Okay, one last thing.
29:56Your sister left you a present
29:59before you go.
30:00Your sister last night
30:02would not explain
30:03something to us,
30:03but she wanted
30:04to leave you a note.
30:05Oh, no.
30:05And here we go.
30:07I have a note for him
30:09because he's going
30:09to be here tomorrow,
30:10and I thought maybe
30:11I would just stick it
30:12in the soap.
30:13Do, do.
30:15So we didn't take it out.
30:17What?
30:17And it should still be there.
30:19If you dig down,
30:20I think it's on this side.
30:21You dig down.
30:22Do you find...
30:22Yeah, it's right there.
30:23All right?
30:24I don't know
30:25what she left you.
30:33There's nothing there.
30:35No, I'm kidding.
30:36There's two.
30:36She wrote it on top.
30:37All right.
30:38Is it written in blood?
30:40Yeah.
30:41I mean, kind of.
30:43You're a beast
30:44is what she wrote.
30:46Oh.
30:47Does that mean something to you?
30:48Yeah.
30:51My sister did a show
30:53on Broadway
30:53and that she was acting,
30:55she was starring in it,
30:56and she, you know,
30:57she was...
30:58It was an amazing experience
31:00for her,
31:00but also she was going
31:01through things,
31:02and I went into her
31:04dressing room
31:06and gone for opening night.
31:08One of the previews, maybe,
31:09and I just wrote,
31:10You're a Beast.
31:12And then we write it
31:13on each other's mirrors.
31:15She's written it on my mirror
31:16every opening night.
31:19And I think that's what her...
31:21I think that's part
31:22of what her movie's about,
31:23and I think it's also about
31:24all of us seeing that
31:26in each other
31:26and communally going out
31:28together,
31:30experiencing like you would here
31:31or like you would at a rock concert
31:33or why you'd go to the movies
31:34to go experience something together
31:36and feel that part of yourself.
31:38And that's also something
31:40she told me to say,
31:41that she forgot to tell
31:42everybody last night.
31:45So she's directing
31:46this interview right now.
31:47Yeah, man.
31:49So, like...
31:50Good to see you.
31:52The Bride is in theaters Friday.
31:55Jake Gyllenhaal, everybody.
31:56We'll be right back
31:57with Maria Bamford.
32:10Welcome back.
32:12Ladies and gentlemen.
32:15Folks,
32:16my next guest tonight
32:18is, by my lights,
32:21the funniest comedian
32:22in the world.
32:24You know her from
32:25Lady Dynamite,
32:26Arrested Development,
32:27and her stand-up specials.
32:29Please welcome back
32:29to The Late Show,
32:30Maria Bamford.
32:49Thank you so much.
32:51Hi, Maria.
32:52Hi.
32:52I am so delighted
32:53to be on this show.
32:55I'm so thrilled
32:55to have you back.
32:56You know you're
32:57my favorite comedian.
32:58Oh, come on.
33:00You haven't been on the show
33:02since 2023,
33:03so it's possible I'm lying.
33:04Right.
33:05Now, a lot is going on
33:06in the world.
33:07Yes, yes.
33:07What have you been up to?
33:09Well, I hope,
33:10like everybody here,
33:11I've been protesting
33:12against the state of...
33:16And, yeah,
33:17and I was trying to think
33:18of what the
33:19si se puede
33:20of white woman would be
33:22and I think it would be,
33:24you know what,
33:25for me?
33:32You're now the subject
33:32of a documentary.
33:34Yes.
33:34Which is,
33:35I want to get into
33:35what that feels like
33:36in just a moment.
33:37A lot.
33:38It's called
33:38Paralyzed by Hope,
33:39the Maria Bamford story.
33:41It's directed by Judd Apatow
33:43and Neil Berkley.
33:44I have the honor
33:45of being briefly featured
33:47saying how much I enjoy
33:49Maria Bamford
33:50and how much I love
33:51everything that you do.
33:53How did they convince you
33:55to allow them to do this?
33:58Because it's one thing
33:58like when you're dead and gone,
33:59but if you're alive
34:00and they're doing
34:01a documentary about you,
34:03like, this is your...
34:04Your life is your material.
34:05Why would you let them
34:06do a documentary?
34:07How do they get you?
34:07Yeah, follow me around.
34:09No, they gave me 500 bucks.
34:13And...
34:13They, like, gave you 500 bucks?
34:15Well, and I had to ask for it.
34:17I had to say,
34:18hey, I'm going to need 500 bones
34:21if you're going to come
34:22and shoot this.
34:23Because there are so many
34:24times in show business
34:25where they say,
34:26oh, my God, we love you.
34:27You're a genius.
34:28Fantastic.
34:29And then nothing...
34:31Like, nothing happens.
34:33You're left alone
34:34with a howling wind.
34:37So, yeah, I got 500 bucks.
34:39Was Apatow good for it?
34:41Yeah.
34:41I mean, he paid it out in cash.
34:42That's the other thing.
34:43Cash?
34:44No, I'm not going to accept
34:45a check from that.
34:46Yeah, no.
34:47I would never let anybody
34:49make a documentary about me.
34:51Or the show
34:52for any reason whatsoever.
34:54No, why is that?
34:54No one's offered, though,
34:56is the thing.
34:57I mean, if no one's ever
34:58offered me money,
34:59sure, a Bud Light
35:00and a basket of curly fries,
35:02but not cash.
35:04But not cash.
35:05Seriously, you wouldn't do
35:06a documentary?
35:07Because Judd Apatow,
35:08so the same thing,
35:09he said he wouldn't want
35:09to have one done up in my mouth.
35:11I was like,
35:11what are you hiding?
35:12Yes.
35:14In the documentary,
35:15you talk about almost losing
35:16your home in the Alta Dena fires.
35:17Yes.
35:17Okay, that must have been harrowing.
35:19Yes.
35:19What was that experience?
35:20How did that experience affect you?
35:21Well, we almost lost our house,
35:23but it was saved
35:24by our Trump-supporting neighbors,
35:27very confusing ethically.
35:30Yeah, yeah, learn something
35:31new every day.
35:32Right?
35:32Yeah.
35:33And I was up there
35:34with the ashes
35:37and all that stuff,
35:38and it's kind of a police state
35:41in certain areas of L.A.,
35:43and a giant SUV pulled up.
35:45Two cops get out,
35:46guns fully drawn,
35:47say, excuse me, ma'am!
35:49What are you doing
35:49on that property?
35:52And, you know,
35:53I wasn't looking my best.
35:56It was a light-stained sweatshirt,
35:59and I said,
36:00oh, I'm just looking
36:00for my succulents.
36:02Some of my succulents made it,
36:03because there's an elephant ear
36:05that's quite hearty.
36:07Sorry, ma'am.
36:09Didn't mean to frighten you.
36:10Just had to make sure
36:11that you weren't
36:11one of the bad guys.
36:14I'm wearing 17 friendship bracelets.
36:20How do you?
36:25How do you think I got them?
36:29Of course I'm...
36:29The documentary explores
36:30your upbringing
36:32with your family.
36:33And we have a clip here
36:34with you and your father.
36:35What are we about to see?
36:36Oh, it's lovely.
36:37My dad would make inventions.
36:40This is one of his inventions
36:41that he came up with.
36:42It's for night terrors,
36:43which is a seatbelt for your bed.
36:45And...
36:46And necessary, in his case.
36:48Necessary, for sure.
36:49All right, Egon.
36:51It turns out that
36:52one percent of people
36:54have night terrors.
36:56I don't think I had it as a child,
36:58but for 15 or so years,
36:59I've had it.
37:00So that...
37:01What it means is
37:02in the middle of the night,
37:03without any particular warning,
37:06I bolt up and scream.
37:08Somebody said it was just like
37:10being in World War II.
37:11It was like a horrible attack
37:13going on.
37:14And then I jump up
37:17and I would run into the wall.
37:18I've got a little scar here
37:20on my nose.
37:20So I just said,
37:21well, you know,
37:22wouldn't it be better
37:22to be strapped down?
37:24So I put a seatbelt
37:26into the bed.
37:27But a few times
37:28you socked your bed partner.
37:31Marilyn, yes,
37:32at one time had a black eye,
37:33which was tough
37:34because she is very busy
37:36with a women's shelter.
37:37And so, you know,
37:39it was a little hard
37:40for her to explain.
37:41And of course,
37:41nobody believed her anyway.
37:42You know, so...
37:44Believe women.
37:45Yeah.
37:46Gotta believe.
37:50Complicated message.
37:51It's a complicated message.
37:52I kiss.
37:56My dad.
37:57Do you sometimes,
37:58when you're on tour,
37:59Yes.
38:00You do something surprising,
38:02which I don't understand.
38:03Okay.
38:03Is that you sometimes,
38:05and you don't have
38:05to explain yourself to me,
38:06I just am curious,
38:07why do you sometimes
38:09do a stand-up show
38:10at 9 a.m.?
38:11Oh, because that means
38:14the person's chosen
38:15to be there.
38:17People don't choose
38:18to be at an evening?
38:19Sometimes people
38:20are talked into things.
38:23Roupons?
38:24Yeah, they've had a beer,
38:25or they're at the mall
38:27with a Cheesecake Factory bag,
38:29and they go,
38:29where's the shy ass of comedy?
38:33And so, 9 a.m.,
38:34I know these people have,
38:36you know,
38:36they've made a decision,
38:37and then it's not my fault.
38:40It's not my problem.
38:41How is it my fault?
38:45Also, uh, yeah.
38:47Oh, didn't you say,
38:47I heard you say something
38:48the other day,
38:49is that it's your sister
38:51is giving you this affirmation,
38:52and tell me I'm saying this right.
38:54Yeah, yeah.
38:54Go ahead, yeah.
38:55How is it my fault
38:56they hired me?
38:59That's for every job.
39:00I love that so much.
39:02Yeah, yeah.
39:02Really, because honestly,
39:03I just showed up.
39:04They should have
39:05vetted me on some level.
39:06Yeah, well,
39:07the internet,
39:08there's just thousands
39:09of videos.
39:10If you're going
39:11to see something,
39:12research it.
39:13There's no need
39:14to suffer
39:15in a show business,
39:18yeah, environment.
39:20Well, those,
39:20I'm going to keep
39:21that in mind
39:22as I go off
39:22into the brave new world
39:23after the show,
39:24is that it's not,
39:25how is it my fault
39:25that they hired me?
39:27Yeah, no.
39:28Cash,
39:28get that cash,
39:29is what I say.
39:30Get that cash.
39:30And get the shows
39:31out of the way, Stephen.
39:33If you start a show
39:34at 8 a.m.,
39:34which I have,
39:35that means...
39:368 a.m.,
39:36not 8 a.m.
39:37If you get it
39:38a little earlier,
39:39you get babies,
39:40and then also,
39:42you get it
39:43out of the way
39:43so you don't have
39:44to think about it
39:45the whole day.
39:46You know, like,
39:46oh, God,
39:47I got a show tonight.
39:48Now it's like,
39:48oh, I already did my show.
39:54Such wisdom.
39:55Thank you, Maria.
39:57You can see
39:58Paralyzed by Hope
39:59at South by Southwest
40:00and the Martha's Vineyard
40:02Film Festival
40:03later this month.
40:05Maria Bamford,
40:06everybody.
40:07That's how you do it.
40:13That's it for
40:14The Late Show.
40:15Tune in tomorrow.
40:16My guest will be
40:17Steve Carell.
40:19Good night.
40:33Ah!
40:37The Late Show.
40:37The Late Show.
40:38The Late Show.
40:38The Late Show.
40:39The Late Show.
40:39You
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