- 2 weeks ago
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00:00They've arrived for a big night out, it's Nick and Bob.
00:18APPLAUSE
00:28Kanye West in his underpants, in front of the microwave.
00:34Watching his dinner go round and round.
00:38And when he pings, his pants fall down.
00:45Drake is in his underpants, stood by his front door.
00:52Awaiting for the blow from Amazon.
00:55And when the doorbell rings, his pants fall down.
01:01Here we go.
01:05Oh, yeah.
01:15Lovely Jay-Z in his underpants, in front of his budget cage.
01:24Waiting for his bird to do his trick.
01:27And when it rings its bell, his pants fall down.
01:34As you can see.
01:36As you can see.
01:38As you can see.
01:39As you can see.
01:40As you can see.
01:41As you can see.
01:42Their pants fall down.
01:44Woo!
01:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53Have your underpants ever fallen down when you've been in the presence of
01:56a bell?
01:57Or maybe at school?
01:58No, no, no, no.
01:59No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:01No, no, no, no.
02:02Yeah.
02:03No, no, no.
02:04No, no, no, no, no.
02:05What about like big clock at the town hall?
02:09No, no, no.
02:10No, no, no, no, no.
02:13Alright, alright.
02:14What about?
02:15N-n-n-n!
02:16What?
02:17N-n-n!
02:18What about?
02:19N-n-n-n!
02:20What about?
02:21What about a church, Vic?
02:22You know, the church?
02:23No, no, no, no, no.
02:25No, oh, actually, yes. Yeah? Yeah.
02:27Oh, right.
02:28When the church bell rings, my pants generally do fall down,
02:31which can be really quite embarrassing when I'm mid-sermon.
02:36This guy and his adventures.
02:38But, honestly, Bob, talking of underpants,
02:42I was wearing underpants in 1994,
02:46when I went to Blockbusters, if you remember that.
02:48Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:50And I said I wanted to hire Batman forever.
02:53No, they said, you must return it the following morning.
02:56LAUGHTER
03:03I was ironing my, erm...
03:05Ah!
03:08I was ironing my underpants, actually, thinking of underpants,
03:11when I phoned up the local gym and I said,
03:14do you reckon yous lot would be able to teach us to do the splits?
03:18Yeah. And they said, how flexible are you?
03:20And I said, well, I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays.
03:23It was good, yeah.
03:28It's up, Gio.
03:29I'll have me cup of tea.
03:30LAUGHTER
03:32BUZZER
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04:14BUZZER
04:15Oh
04:30Can you do this I
04:37Don't think I can no, I don't think I could but I would love to be able to do would you oh wow
04:42Be dream come true. Yeah, because I'm gonna do that at the Royal Variety
04:46What just that that thing get that I just did then I'm gonna do not just start no
04:51Thank God for that. I'm gonna sit on a chair whilst I do it. Oh, well sitting on a chair of it. Yeah, that's really good
04:56I like sing in it. Yeah
04:59Fabulous. Yeah, that's just the first half mind. Yeah, what about the second? What you doing second half then I'll show you I
05:06Get me suitcase out right the one that you already love it sell me
05:10Encyclopedias out of I don't need to do that anymore what we Wikipedia and so forth
05:16So I'll get that out there and then she got your buds and a gooseberry. Yeah, but watch that's not just that
05:22Oh, well, someone said that's enough, but there you go
05:26Well, it's never enough
05:33He watching yeah
05:40Oh
05:56Go ahead. It's quite something
05:59So how long do you do that for?
06:01How long do you do that for five minutes? I?
06:05Tell you what to be good if we could both do it together. That'd be good, didn't it? Well, what the face thing? Yeah
06:10Yeah, I don't think I could do that
06:13Gooseberry it's quite tart in it. Yeah, give it I'm with you. I'll give it a go
06:18ready
06:20Andrew Neil presents my Benidorm Bender
06:34Hello, I'm Andrew Neil and I have two big passions in my life politics and the jaw half
06:41It's my new album my Benidorm Bender
06:50Oh
07:01Includes Loving Me Loving Me
07:04Hair Puzzle Mayhem and Hot City Vodka
07:08My Benidorm Bender in shops now on Reeves and Mortimer Records
07:14Thank you ladies and gentlemen
07:19Now I've got if you'll indulge me I've got a really
07:23Like important big announcement to make if you'll indulge me sorry to disturb you lads I brought you a Bible for the side of your bed
07:31Oh
07:35And some sugar and coffee for your beverage tray
07:40Thanks, yeah, you're all right with your air con and telly settings
07:45Yeah, we're on it. You look this is a TV show Joe, you know, not a hotel. Oh
07:50I've turned the wrong way out the lift
07:53Yeah, anyway, we better crack on mate nice seeing you. What you doing messing about having a daft laugh and stuff like that are you?
07:59Yeah, yes
08:01Anyway, could you make off now if you've got any dry cleaning pop it in this bag and hang it on your door all right?
08:10Okay, thanks
08:15If you need anything ring me on extension one
08:19So yeah back to this announcement I wanted to make anyway ladies and gentlemen actually just before you do that can I make an announcement?
08:26Yeah, of course ladies and gentlemen
08:29I lost four stone in the last five weeks
08:38Thank you
08:40Thank you
08:42Yeah, so back to the announcement I just can I just say yeah, it's the wedding anniversary 80 years married
08:46Oh
08:52I've just done a 3k bike ride to raise awareness and money for research
08:58Oh
09:00Oh
09:02Giveover
09:04Is that it now? Can I do it? Yeah, go on, do yours
09:06Yeah, so my big announcement
09:08Can I just say I haven't had a drink for six hours
09:15Sorry, carry on. What were you gonna say?
09:17Okay, and carry on now
09:19Oh, can I just say one more thing
09:21Okay, ladies and gentlemen, me car's just passed its MOT
09:29Give her up there!
09:32So anyway, what were you gonna say?
09:33Are you finished now?
09:34Yeah, yeah, go on
09:37So, finally my announcement ladies and gentlemen, it's actually two years to this very evening that I had my successful heart bypass
09:45You set me up for that, didn't you?
09:47I wanna fight, you set me up for that, I wanna fight you
09:48Yeah, alright then, I'll fight you
09:49Right, come on then
09:50What, inside or outside?
09:51Let's have a fight
09:52On the roof, I don't mind
09:53No, let's have an indoor fight
09:54Come on then
09:55Come on, what have you got?
09:56Oh
09:58Eh?
09:59Come on, man
10:00Can I just say go this again, I wanna fight you?
10:01Yeah, yeah
10:02Yeah
10:03Alright then, I'll fight you
10:04Right come on then
10:05What inside or outside?
10:06Let's have a fight
10:07On the roof, I don't mind
10:08No, let's have an indoor fight
10:09Come on then
10:10Come on, what have you got?
10:11Urgh!
10:12Uh-art
10:25No
10:26BUZZER
10:28BUZZER
10:30Right! What's this?
10:32Have you heard of Professor Freeze?
10:36It is I!
10:38What? Ice cubes? Ice cubes!
10:41BUZZER
10:43BUZZER
10:46Look at the state of him!
10:48Look at the state of me!
10:50It's the ice! It's the ice!
10:52BUZZER
10:56BUZZER
10:58BUZZER
11:00BUZZER
11:01Right, stay there!
11:02BUZZER
11:03Eh? No!
11:04Thought it was all over, didn't you?
11:05No, not the iron!
11:06Eh?
11:07No!
11:08No!
11:09No!
11:10No!
11:11BUZZER
11:12BUZZER
11:13BUZZER
11:15BUZZER
11:17BUZZER
11:19BUZZER
11:22BUZZER
11:23BUZZER
11:25Well, we're here in what's rumoured to be the most haunted toilet in Britain.
11:30In Britain, yeah.
11:31There are ghosts sighted here.
11:33There's numerous orbs and gesturing.
11:35Orbs have been sighted in the toilets.
11:36Yeah.
11:37And er...
11:38Ooh!
11:39Did you feel that?
11:40A cold column of air.
11:42Yeah, almost like a giant calip-hole.
11:44Like walking into a calip-hole.
11:46You demonstrate, Vic.
11:48Cold war.
11:50And it's just there.
11:52Ooh, and that smell.
11:53That smell is...
11:54Ooh, it's acrid.
11:55Ooh, that just came suddenly, didn't it?
11:56That's not you, is it?
11:57No, it's not me.
11:58Oh, that's quite acrid.
11:59Because when we came in here, it smelled quite sweet.
12:00Well, yeah.
12:01But now, it's really depressing.
12:03It is.
12:04It's made me really depressed.
12:06I mean, I sense there's been happiness here, but...
12:08There's been a lot of happiness in these toilets.
12:10Overpowering, isn't it?
12:11Ooh!
12:12What the f**k was that?
12:13Did you hear that?
12:14F**k off.
12:15For f**k's sake.
12:16No, f**k off.
12:17What the f**k was that?
12:18There's something here.
12:19There's definitely...
12:20So, let's check it's all empty.
12:22Well, there's definitely something in here.
12:24Definitely something in here.
12:25Um...
12:26Is there any spirit person here?
12:28Would anyone like to make contact with us?
12:31Yeah, er...
12:32One plop for yes.
12:33Two plops for no.
12:35Yes!
12:36Yes!
12:37Yes!
12:38Yes!
12:39One plop.
12:40One plop.
12:41Let's try and get a name.
12:42Are you called...
12:43John?
12:44Yes!
12:45Yes!
12:46You've made contact with John.
12:48Erm...
12:49Erm...
12:50Let's get a surname.
12:51What do you think?
12:52Er...
12:53Let me try.
12:54Are you John West, the Tin Salmon Man?
12:57Yes!
12:58Yes!
12:59Yes!
13:00John West, the Tin Salmon Man.
13:02Hang on a minute.
13:04Wait a minute.
13:05I think I'm getting a message coming through.
13:07Right, is it a jumbledore pole?
13:09No, it's quite clear.
13:10It is for you.
13:11Wow.
13:12This is...
13:13He says...
13:14Bob.
13:15Hi, John.
13:17Do you like my tin tuna and sweet corn niblets in mayo?
13:22Because, erm...
13:24I've got to give an honest answer.
13:25No, John, I've always preferred Princess brand.
13:28UGH!
13:29Thank you, John!
13:30You...
13:31What the f*** involved with that?!
13:34What the f***!?
13:35You fu***?
13:36Fuck you!
13:37Fuck you!
13:38I'm so sick.
13:39F***ing Hugh!
13:40Fuck you!
13:41You c***!
13:42Stop writing!
13:46Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mulligan and O'Hare.
13:51I've got the spanner, I've got a spoon, and here my friend upon my tray, a piece of wood and measuring tape, now we can't build a van and drive it up to Birmingham, and we like to creep around at night, without trousers, nice and tight, nice and tight, nice and tight, nice and tight, you
14:21got it right, that's nice and tight, nice and tight, nice and tight, nice and tight, that's nice and tight, we like to take into your home, and get in bed with you, we like to miss you all the best, with your forthcoming, driving test, driving test, driving test, your forthcoming,
14:51driving test, your forthcoming, driving test, your forthcoming, it's not okay, and as you can see, we're here with you this evening, now there are a few things that are causing us some difficulties, some consternation, some things we are not presently enjoying, include,
15:21LAUGHTER
15:26Residents barking permits!
15:28But balls!
15:29Rubbits!
15:30Total balls!
15:31Scent and washing up liquid!
15:33You use it!
15:35There's no need!
15:36There's no need!
15:37No need!
15:38Stand up!
15:40Stand up!
15:42Sit down!
15:44There's no need!
15:45There's no...
15:46There's just no need!
15:47There's no need!
15:48I'm wearing a bra now, but I really don't need to at all!
15:51There's no need!
15:52Absolutely no need to wear a bra!
15:54There's no need!
15:55There's no need!
15:56They'll slender firmly in any breeze, yes?
15:58Absolutely!
15:59In high winds!
16:00OK, well, let's slip it off and see if that's too...
16:02Why don't you try and unleash them?
16:05Take off the bra!
16:07They'll stay put!
16:13Ah!
16:14Ah!
16:15Hmm...
16:16Hmm...
16:17Let's get this!
16:27Dead on a duck in the bay!
16:31Watching the tide roll away!
16:36Letta leave it!
16:37Anyway!
16:39We're here to sing our beautiful songs.
16:41that is none more beautiful than our tribute to our darling Rose.
16:51My Rose has left me
16:55I'm in a mood
16:59She's gone to Kenya
17:02With a bloke from Allied Carpet
17:07She wasn't immunized
17:11And that's a legal requirement
17:15Tis increasingly slapdash
17:19Since we bought that new hearthlock
17:24Oh Rose, how we miss you
17:28But where are you now
17:32Alone with your salesman
17:36You adulterous cow
17:39Come on, Melbourne, good luck
17:41Thank you
17:46Robert Winston presents his new CD
17:56Shut Up and Go to Bed
17:58I am Professor Robert Winston
18:03And I have three passions in my life
18:06Kids' medicine, gynaecology and the harmonica
18:10I'd like to present some tracks for my new LP
18:13Shut Up and Go to Bed
18:15I'll tell your ma'am and get off that effing phone
18:30The new album by Robert Winston out now on Reeves and Mortimer Records
18:45APPLAUSE
18:46Bob!
18:47Oh, yeah!
18:48Oh, yeah!
18:49Bob, can I show you a new skill I've learned?
18:51I think I know all your skills to be honest with you
18:53You don't know this one, this is brand new skill
18:54Brand new skill, love to see it
18:55I'd love to see it
18:56Have you got a tangerine?
18:57I know you have
18:58Yeah, I've got one in my bear box
18:59Yeah, give us one
19:00You're more than welcome
19:01A brand new skill
19:02Why have you got it locked up?
19:03Why do you have your beard locked up anyway?
19:04There you go
19:05Just one satsuma, yeah
19:06Yeah
19:07There you go
19:08Right, okay, actually you can do this just to prove it's a great skill
19:11What do I have to do?
19:12I want you to put it down the back
19:13Come round here
19:14Put it down the back
19:15Put it down the back
19:16Come round here
19:17Put it down the back
19:18Put it down the back
19:19Come round here
19:20Put it down the back
19:21This is brand new skill
19:22Brand new skill
19:23Brand new skill
19:24Brand new skill
19:25Brand new skill
19:26Love to see it
19:27I love to see it
19:28Have you got a tangerine?
19:29I know you have
19:30Yeah
19:31I know you have
19:33Put it down the back of me trousers
19:35Alright. Go on, just put it in there
19:38What right in? Yeah, right in. Oh, yes, that's in. That lodged. Yeah, there you go. Right there.
19:45Alright, ready?
19:46Music
19:48I learned a skill when I was on a commercial flight through Tibet and I crashed and some monks took me in. Oh, wow. Showed me it.
20:16Oh, it's for you, Dave!
20:18He's peeled it!
20:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:22I liked it!
20:28Well, that was excellent. Thank you. You know what? I think I saw you did it.
20:33Do you mean you think you could do it? I think I could do it, yeah. Come on, then.
20:36Will you do the orange for us? Yeah. OK.
20:39Of course I will.
20:41Give it a go. Sure, I think I know what you did, yeah. Yeah.
20:45Lob it in. What's all this stuff in here, eh? What is all this stuff?
20:49What stuff? There's a load of...
20:51What's this? Plasters?
20:53LAUGHTER
20:55It's like, erm...
20:57I've got this thing down there that sometimes goes to a point.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02What's this here?
21:03Plasters on it, but I'm working in the blind, you know, so the...
21:06You get a bit of a build-up.
21:08What's that?
21:09It's me reporter's book.
21:10My reporter's notebook?
21:11Yes, my reporter's book.
21:12So, writing about crises and things like that.
21:14Yeah, events and that.
21:15This is what I think you're reporting.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:20Eh?
21:21Go on, right, let's put it in.
21:22I'm not a bad reporter, actually.
21:24LAUGHTER
21:25No, I don't lie, I'm not a bad little reporter.
21:27It is not bad.
21:28Are you getting it in?
21:29Yeah, OK, there you go.
21:30Right, if I'm right, do I get the music as well?
21:33Yep, music.
21:34Different type of music, but...
21:36Oh, right, different technique.
21:37Seeks you better.
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40Go on.
21:41Are you doing it?
21:42Just feel it.
21:43Feel your way?
21:44LAUGHTER
21:47It's all that feel.
21:48Oh, oh, hold on.
21:49Yeah.
21:52LAUGHTER
21:53Oh, it's come out.
21:55It's come out, so...
21:57LAUGHTER
21:59LAUGHTER
22:03Are you aware that fireballs are on tinkeries?
22:24They can occur at any time, day or night, even seasonally.
22:28They're no respecter of nationality,
22:31as this South African chap can testify.
22:34LAUGHTER
22:35I was grinding some meat for that dozzy yappy over there,
22:39when suddenly, boom!
22:41Out of the ground a came a fireball
22:43and took the bitch out.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:46Look!
22:47He's helping the guy...
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50Meanwhile, in carefully...
22:51..I was just watching tear of me favourite doll
23:00in this cattle trough,
23:01when suddenly, out at Bucket Golf Exhaust Pipe
23:05came three fireballs
23:07and destroyed a yacht in Biarritz.
23:09LAUGHTER
23:11Look! It's happening again!
23:13LAUGHTER
23:14I was going to the fair...
23:28LAUGHTER
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31What?!
23:32LAUGHTER
23:33Keep fireballs contained.
23:36K. F. C.
23:38Keep fireballs contained.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:41This message was brought to you by the Attlee government
23:43in conjunction with Boy George and Cadbury's chocolate finger.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:48APPLAUSE
23:50Right, just while Vix are way round the back there,
23:53I'd just like to take this opportunity
23:55to explain to you how clever I am.
23:57I can use a calculator.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00I'm a really fast reader.
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03Excuse me, mate.
24:04LAUGHTER
24:05Excuse me, mate.
24:06What's going on here, then?
24:07We're doing a show here.
24:09OK.
24:10Can I help you?
24:11Erm...
24:14Just having a look around, really.
24:16All right.
24:17Checking up on something I know about.
24:18Actually, do you mind me asking?
24:20Are you, like, a human or animal?
24:22Well, that's a good question, yeah.
24:25I'm a human from there down, but from there up, I'm an otter.
24:29LAUGHTER
24:30You know cloning?
24:32Oh, cloning.
24:33They were offering, you know, free experiments.
24:35They said you'd...
24:36So I thought, why not?
24:37Yeah.
24:38I'll have a go on it.
24:39Yeah, I've always wanted it to be an otter.
24:40Yeah.
24:41You haven't got any fish on you, have you?
24:43Sorry, a bit hungry.
24:44I'm starving, actually.
24:46No, I haven't got any fish.
24:47Have you got any newts or frogs?
24:48No, I haven't.
24:49Check in your pockets.
24:50Well, I know I haven't got newts or frogs.
24:51Are you sure? How do you know?
24:52You haven't checked.
24:53All right, I'll check quickly.
24:54No newts, no frogs.
24:55Have you got a toffee crisp?
24:56No, I haven't got a toffee crisp.
24:57You really have, haven't you?
24:58What, otters eat toffee crisp?
25:00Well, tell you what, mate.
25:01On the riverbank, you take what you can get these days.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04I haven't got a toffee crisp.
25:05Have you got a toffee crisp?
25:06Come on, give us a bit.
25:07I haven't got one.
25:08Well, that's it.
25:09I'm off then.
25:10I'm going to have to go and get submerged.
25:12Yeah?
25:13I've been out of water for too long now.
25:14I've got to get submerged.
25:15Well, I'll tell you what, mate.
25:16If you want, I've got a big, like, roll-top bath in me dressing room.
25:19You're more than welcome to...
25:20You what?
25:21...slide into that.
25:22You've got what?
25:23Big roll-top bath.
25:24You fill that up as well.
25:25You've got what?
25:26In your dressing room?
25:27Oh, it's you.
25:28Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:30I was having a lovely time.
25:32I thought it was like an otter man.
25:34Turns out it's you.
25:37You're such a twister!
25:38Well, twister's a twister as much as I like.
25:40What's this about a bath in your dressing room?
25:42Well, haven't you got one in your room?
25:43No.
25:44I've got a bucket, some white...
25:45Well, I'd say white, some more like rags.
25:48And they said it was a dry shampoo, but I think it's more like flour.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:54It is flour.
25:55A very cheap flour from Lidl.
25:57LAUGHTER
26:02Well, I know.
26:03So, come on, give us some of your toffee crisp.
26:05Well, I haven't got a toffee crisp.
26:07Right, that's it.
26:08That's it.
26:09I resign.
26:10I'm off the project.
26:12Vic, don't take a dump!
26:13Vic!
26:15So, is there anything I can do to bring you back on board with the project?
26:18Give us some of your toffee crisp.
26:19I haven't got a toffee...
26:20I'll give you a ripple.
26:22No, don't!
26:23Vic!
26:24Vic, don't have a dump.
26:25I'll give you half a toffee crisp.
26:26Is that all right?
26:27All right, half of it.
26:28OK.
26:29There you go.
26:31There you are.
26:32You take that half.
26:34Are you sure that's half?
26:35It's quite a generous half, actually, yeah.
26:36Are you sure?
26:37Yeah.
26:38You know I'm no good at measurements.
26:39No, that's a very generous half.
26:41That is a half, is it?
26:42Yeah, absolutely.
26:43You're back on board, then?
26:44I'm back on the project.
26:45What's the second phase?
26:47Say goodnight to the ladies and gentlemen and sing a lovely little song.
26:50You up for that?
26:51Yeah!
26:52He's back on the project.
26:53Yeah, I'm back on the project!
26:54Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you don't want to watch us singing our song, Vaughan's over
27:00there with an owl and some underpants for you to stare at, at your leisure.
27:05Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.
27:06Thank you for your attendance.
27:09Thank you for your attendance.
27:14You can do it if you really want.
27:18You can do it if you really want.
27:21You can do it if you really want.
27:24Hey!
27:25You can do it if you really want.
27:28Throw a cat to Paloma face.
27:32Have a dump on your neighbour's chair.
27:35Spew your guts off on mastermind.
27:38Take a rabbit to Pakistan.
27:42Eat a sausage with Eamon Holmes.
27:45Grow a potato, la, la, la.
27:48Make love to a Uber driver.
27:52Get that, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
27:55Cause you can do it if you really want.
27:59You can do it if you really want.
28:02You can do it if you really want.
28:05You can do it if you really want.
28:08Come on!
28:09You can do it if you really want.
28:12You can do it if you really want.
28:16Do you want to?
28:17Do you even want to do it?
28:19Because you can!
28:22Just try a little harder and you'll be there.
28:39Yeah, you can do it if you really want.
28:42Look at me, wait!
28:44Thank God!
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