- 2 days ago
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00:00They've arrived for a big night out. It's Mick and Bob.
00:17Simon Cowell was in his car, driving up to Middlesbrough, but as he reached for an egg at Scotch Corner, his wheel came off.
00:36Greg Wallace in his vegetable van, driving up to Sunderland, but when he adjusted his nuts in Darlington, his door fell off.
00:47MUSIC PLAYS
00:59Nasty Van Joe took his caravan on holiday to Birmingham, but at the Little Chef in High Wycombe, is Tobar snapped?
01:11Is Tobar snapped? Yeah!
01:15APPLAUSE
01:17Yeah, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. That was the results of our research into vehicle maintenance amongst the celebrity community.
01:24That's right. Shocking, really. It's a scandal.
01:26Bob, did you know that quite a large section of the London Philharmonic are on the fiddle?
01:32LAUGHTER
01:37Hey!
01:38Hey!
01:39Hey!
01:40Get out!
01:41Do you know that fellow Vim Diesel?
01:45No.
01:46You don't know him?
01:47You know him?
01:48Oh, I've got a right itchy arse, that one.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:51Fast and furious.
01:52Yeah, fast and furious.
01:53Now I know him.
01:54Yeah, white book.
01:55Yeah, yeah.
01:56Well, I got into a bit of a barney with him, right?
01:58Yeah, right, yeah.
01:59And he got really annoyed and he said, I'm going to wipe the floor with your face, yeah?
02:03Yeah.
02:04Well, you might get a surprise, mate.
02:05You won't get into the corners.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08Quite clever of me, I thought.
02:10BOOM!
02:11BOOM!
02:12BOOM!
02:13BOOM!
02:14BOOM!
02:15Nothing.
02:16Eh?
02:17Nothing.
02:18Yeah.
02:19Just you wait.
02:20Not bothered.
02:21Absolutely.
02:23Yeah, so, Vic...
02:25Oh!
02:26Yeah.
02:27Oh, Jesus!
02:28Delayed action, fire extinguisher.
02:31Ooh!
02:32Oh, you twister!
02:34Yeah, twisted you right round me little finger.
02:37Vic, you've got to calm yourself.
02:38Do one of your photo shoots.
02:39A photo?
02:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:41That'll cheer you up.
02:42I'm ready.
02:43Are you ready?
02:44Yeah.
02:48Come on, sexy, sexy!
02:51Sexy dinner!
02:52Sexy dinner!
02:53Angry dinner!
02:54Angry dinner!
02:55Angry!
02:56Tough guy, tough guy.
02:58Tough, tough lunch.
03:00Shhh!
03:01Sexy hot!
03:04Good, yeah, yeah.
03:05Yeah.
03:07I felt pretty hot.
03:08I can't see there's something blocking the...
03:10Oh, it's a cucumber!
03:12Why didn't you tell us?
03:15Because I'm very drunk.
03:17And so are you, Vic.
03:19And it doesn't reflect very well on your fledgling photographic career, does it?
03:22Oh, hold on.
03:23Hey, you lads, do you know how to get these letters off?
03:27What?
03:28I need the G for me cousin Graeme's headstone.
03:30It's just what we're in the middle of a...
03:32We're doing a show here.
03:33We're doing a show here, mate.
03:34You're doing a show?
03:35Yeah.
03:36What are you doing messing about, telling jokes, having a daff laugh and that?
03:38Yeah, well, yeah, kind of, yeah.
03:40So who are you anyway, mate?
03:42I'm Paul Weller.
03:43What, from The Jam?
03:44The Who?
03:45No, not The Who, The Jam.
03:46From The Jam?
03:47I've never heard of him.
03:48So are you going to give his hand with this then?
03:49No, we need it for the show.
03:50I'll tell you what, right?
03:51I only asked for that.
03:52I'm going to take all these down, except them two at the end of the show when you're
03:53not here.
03:54B.S.
03:55Stanford Bullshit!
03:56Hey, Paul.
03:57Can you do this?
03:58Let's have a look.
03:59No, I can't do that, mate.
04:00I can't.
04:01I can't.
04:02I can't.
04:03I can't.
04:04I can't.
04:05I can't.
04:06I can't.
04:07I'm excited.
04:08Oh, that's a good one.
04:09Yes.
04:10Stansford Bullshit!
04:14Yeah, yes.
04:15Stansford Bullshit!
04:16Hey, Paul.
04:17Can you do this?
04:18Let's have a look.
04:23No, I can't do that, mate.
04:24I can't.
04:25I can't.
04:26I was in the cornfield, just laid on me like I'm
04:32just laid on the ground my father leapt over me his balls hanging down they
04:43brush my cheek without making a sound two balls in the distance as he headed
04:52for town sometimes one man's vision changes everything where others see
05:05problems he sees an opportunity family man innovator an entrepreneur with a
05:12global reach changing the way we think with a bold new vision hi I'm Frank
05:19Wooden and this is my dress boot for people with bulbous angles like my
05:24beautiful wife Marie wonderful the Frank Wooden dress boot for people with
05:31bulbous angles made all the preferred although you may wish to visit our lock
05:35up here are the details
05:41www.bulbousankles.co.uk
05:46wk.com
05:53I was in the cornfield just laid on the ground as my mother leapt over me her
06:05knickers fell down they cut my chin and dragged me around knickers chin knickers
06:15sang the folks in the town
06:19my only problem with it is it's a bit old-fashioned but it's beautiful no I'm not saying that oh I'm not saying that but it's a little bit old-fashioned
06:32old-fashioned why don't you join in with my project you know like my diversity
06:36dance thing you know electronic bring yourself more up-to-date come on let's do it
06:42I have to say ladies and gentlemen this is Bob's project I've got nothing to do with it
06:46yeah he put all his savings into it and his ISA
06:50yeah so it's like diversity you know modern it's up to date you ready yeah I'm ready okay getting a stance
06:58emergency emergency red alert
07:12I'm ready
07:13yeah
07:16evacuation procedure commenced
07:22porn copter
07:23what did you say
07:24I said porn copter
07:25you said porn copter
07:26I was thinking about me dinner
07:29got me dinner on me mind
07:32well come on BH
07:33We're inside a spaceship. Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry. Emergency procedures. Come on, start again. Right.
07:55What did you say?
07:57Sorry, I did it again. Steak kidney pie, boiled potato. I was just getting excited about it.
08:02It's like there's been an attack on a spacecraft. I know. We're trying to evacuate. I know.
08:07There's not going to be roast beef. It's all in, like, little powdered canisters, you know, foil.
08:11I know. All right. Sorry. Yeah. Are you? Eh?
08:15My project, come on. Let's take a damn dinner. Sorry.
08:19What was that? What are you laughing for? What did you say, Vic? I said apple crumble.
08:32But I did say in tinfoil. I don't care. You're undermining my project. Do you know, you'll never be up to date, Vic.
08:49I'm sorry. I was in the car and failed late afternoon. I dropped my trousers.
09:04I'm Bruno Mars. Top guy. Entrepreneur. I'm Sheeran. I'm Foxinger.
09:21But today it's all about Bruno's special jewellery offers. Yeah, special jewellery.
09:26I've got a date, like, at a restaurant. Have you? Yeah, Bruno. You?
09:31With a girl who I really like the shape of, you know?
09:34And, like, have you got a piece, a bloody nice piece, like, that would be quite romantic?
09:39Well, actually, yes, Ed, I have. Have a look at this beautiful 24-karat gold ring.
09:45Oh, shorty. There. Do you like it? That's bloody bloody lovely, isn't it?
09:49If I'm in the restaurant, what if I have to swap flies, you know?
09:52Oh, well, it won't fall. Is it suitable? Oh, you can swap flies all day alone with it.
09:56You can swap daddy long legs. It won't fall off. It won't fall off.
09:59You can do what you like, but it won't fall off.
10:05I thought you said it wouldn't fall off.
10:09Now look what you've done. You've knocked your hat off.
10:13Look, there's my hat.
10:17There. Is that any better for you?
10:19Right, so how much would that item be, that ring?
10:22Well, have a guest off-site.
10:25Oh, I don't know. It's a beautiful ring.
10:26I think it would be about £3,000.
10:28£3,000, are you crazy?
10:31£29,99.
10:33Oh, high five, Bruno.
10:37That's the end of the specials, so it's time for me to sing one of my folk songs.
10:41Oh, you're going to sing, are you?
10:43Yeah.
10:44Can you...
10:46Bruno, can you help us with his arse end?
10:50Got a bit of a droop on.
10:57Bruno, you son...
11:02Right, I'll have to do it.
11:03I'll have to do it.
11:04I can put it down.
11:05It's my new song, ladies and gentlemen.
11:07It won't fall off. It won't fall off.
11:09You can do what you want, but it won't fall off.
11:11You cheeky son, that's my son.
11:14Yeah, it's all right.
11:15I'll pay your fee for it.
11:16What's your normal fee for your songs?
11:18£29,99.
11:20Well, that's a deal then.
11:21Right, how much do you get?
11:23£2 million.
11:25Stop!
11:26My popcorn is...
11:41...
11:43...
11:49...
11:50Let's lick the man with the stick.
12:20There it is. The man with the stick. And what do we cry when we see a man with the stick?
12:33What's on the end of the stick, Rick?
12:36Well, wonderful. Are you going to reveal what's on the end of your stick?
12:39No, of course you're not. Put it down there, pat it down, make sure it doesn't blow away.
12:44That's it. Well, man with the stick, I must say, you're looking very futuristic and silvery
12:49in your silver helmet. Yeah, you got that right.
12:52Because I actually live in the future now, Rick. Do you?
12:55So I've come back 40 years forward I live now. Do you?
12:59And everything's covered in foil, you know. 40 years? Yeah.
13:02Wow. There's no drawings on your helmet. No, we don't have drawings in the future.
13:07No, what we do, we have these panels and you push them up and down and they've got the images on.
13:12So if you said, what have you been up to, mate, I'd say, shh, have a look there, I'll show you.
13:18Wow. You know what I mean? The future. It's a future, isn't it?
13:21What's it like? Just give us a brief explanation. What's it like in the future?
13:24Well, there's been an apocalypse, obviously. Well, yeah, I've probably tried to guess that, yeah.
13:30It's much like you'd expect it, really. There's lots of punks in cages jumping up and down and reaching out, you know.
13:36Yeah, yeah. Girls with Mohicans and raggy trousers and buckles on them.
13:41Yeah. People driving round the desert, you know, in dune buggies.
13:45Yeah. But they're not behind the wheel, they, like, hang out like that, you know.
13:48Oh!
13:51So, yeah, pretty much as we imagine. Skulls on the... Skulls, yeah.
13:54Oh, yeah, yeah. All that stuff. And who's the leader? Who's in charge of everything?
13:57Oh, there's an overall boss of all zones now. Yeah. Yeah, his name's Gasbo.
14:02Gasbo? Gasbo, yeah. To be honest, he's a bit of a dickhead, actually.
14:07No, really? Yeah. Why's that? Hey, don't tell him I said that, mate.
14:11I won't tell him I won't say a word.
14:12Honestly, I'd be, like, big trouble if I told him. Yeah.
14:15So, the bad news for you, mate, though, fellow me laddies,
14:18I've been sent back from the future to destroy you.
14:25I've got me blaster. Why are you destroying me?
14:28Eh? Why? Well, because it turns out that your son
14:31becomes leader of the rebel forces or something.
14:34Yeah, well, buffo? Yeah, but...
14:36So, I've got me blaster, you'll just, like, phew, disappear.
14:41What, are you going to destroy me with that? Just one charge.
14:43So, look, what is it? Sorry. Let's have a look.
14:46Oh, you've disarmed me very easily. Yeah.
14:49Pretty easy, that, wasn't it?
14:51So, now me mission's failed. Yeah.
14:54So, I'm going to be in deep shit with Gasbo.
14:56Yeah, you are. Yeah. Yeah, do you know why?
14:58Why's that, then? Because...
15:00I am Gasbo!
15:02LAUGHTER
15:04Thanks, man. Seated! Seated!
15:08My gosh!
15:10Genial!
15:12Oh!
15:13Oh!
15:14Oh!
15:15Oh!
15:16Oh!
15:17Oh!
15:18Oh!
15:19Oh!
15:20Oh!
15:21Rerunning!
15:22In the community urban environment.
15:26Stairwells!
15:27Bollards!
15:28Murals!
15:29Graffiti!
15:30Banksy!
15:31There's some quite simple rules that you will have to conform to if you want to join our urban unit.
15:40Rule one!
15:41Pack a waterproof jacket in your satchel.
15:44Rule two!
15:45Get trippy!
15:46Rule three!
15:47Wear sensible shoes!
15:48You get it?
15:49You better!
15:50Waterproof!
15:51Get trippy!
15:52Sensible shoes!
15:53Jump the fuck out of the environments, will we say?
15:55Yeah.
15:56Jump, run, and hide in the urban environments.
15:58And if anyone says anything about me being brought up in a rural environment, that's
16:03just a lie.
16:04Lying!
16:05Boots the chemist!
16:06Boots the chemist!
16:07My mum's a prostitute.
16:08Always has been.
16:09She's had it off with every member of Dire Straits.
16:12Boots the chemist.
16:13My mum's a prostitute.
16:14Always has been.
16:15She's had it off with every member of Dire Straits.
16:19Tardons of three!
16:28When we grew up, you had two choices.
16:30Choice one, prison.
16:32Choice two, hard drugs.
16:33We went for the latter, we'd take loads of hard drugs.
16:36Yeah.
16:37Collar, stairwell, graffiti, bagsy, murals.
16:40Bagsy.
16:41Bright green cannabis.
16:43That's what we smoke.
16:45Bright green cannabis.
16:48Listen to this.
16:49What about free parking for the Pakistani community?
16:52More cycle lanes to nowhere.
16:55No more people visits.
16:57How about that make a difference, wouldn't it?
16:59Hey, watch out.
17:00No more people visits.
17:03We've got a competition in Plymouth in a few weeks against the French.
17:07They're a good unit, but we're going to destroy them.
17:10I didn't know anything about this.
17:16Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Donald and Davy Scott.
17:20Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
17:23Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
17:26Welcome to our magic show.
17:28We've got the magic show.
17:31Oh, touch me, touch me.
17:32I want to touch your booty.
17:34Stop, stop standing there, David.
17:37With your erotic tunes.
17:39Right.
17:40I know why you're doing those tunes.
17:42Because, ladies and gentlemen, before we do the magic,
17:45David has got himself a girlfriend.
17:47Got a real girlfriend.
17:49Woo!
17:50She's a Native American.
17:52What's she called, David?
17:53Running Water.
17:54Running Water?
17:55Yeah.
17:56Well, that's a really nice name.
17:57How did she get that name?
17:59Well, they say, Father, we fired an arrow up in the air
18:02and it landed in the sink.
18:04Oh, right.
18:05And the water was running.
18:06Of course it was running.
18:08If it wasn't, she'd be called Broken Tap.
18:11Oh, son of a fool.
18:13Oh, David.
18:14Oh, David.
18:15Oh, David.
18:16So, you and running water, what do you do every day?
18:22Right.
18:23We get up quite early.
18:27About 4.30 in afternoon.
18:29Oh, right.
18:30So, we sit down about 6 o'clock, start to look at the television.
18:35Right.
18:36And then about 10 o'clock, we turn it on.
18:38Oh, right.
18:39And then we turn it up.
18:40You like TV, do you?
18:41Oh, yeah, I do.
18:42Yeah, we both do.
18:43What's your favourite programme, do you, David?
18:45I like the dancing programmes.
18:47I like Strictly.
18:48Oh, right.
18:49You like ballroom, do you?
18:50Yes, I do.
18:51Why do you think I'm wearing this kilt?
18:52Just like...
18:55No, it's just like a little gay in the mood, you know.
18:58Gay in the mood for the magic, cos it's coming up right now.
19:02Magic!
19:03David Stock's Magic Show!
19:05Oh!
19:22Okay, okay, okay.
19:35David Stock needs a gentleman!
19:49What's going on?
20:05When is it?
20:06Oh!
20:07What's going on?
20:08...
20:11With you?
20:13He's Altman.
20:17That's Smack!?
20:20Hi!
20:21LAUGHTER
20:24LAUGHTER
20:27LAUGHTER
20:30APPLAUSE
20:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:39Come on, do you pass me, sauce?
20:42LAUGHTER
20:45LAUGHTER
20:52Sorry.
20:58Sorry.
21:04Sorry.
21:10Sorry.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:14APPLAUSE
21:17Sorry.
21:19APPLAUSE
21:21APPLAUSE
21:23OK.
21:24Go to the chicken now.
21:26Chicken.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:29LAUGHTER
21:31LAUGHTER
21:33LAUGHTER
21:35LAUGHTER
21:37OK.
21:38Go to the chicken now.
21:39Chicken.
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41LAUGHTER
21:43That's a nice one in here.
21:46Smith.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:48LAUGHTER
21:49LAUGHTER
21:54LAUGHTER
21:56LAUGHTER
22:00OK.
22:01Don't get the chicken out.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:05LAUGHTER
22:07LAUGHTER
22:08LAUGHTER
22:14Please take that shit. Please take that shit.
22:21He took it. He took it.
22:27APPLAUSE
22:33So, Vic, I was just wondering,
22:35who's your favourite Lord of the Rings character?
22:38Calgon?
22:41Calgon's a limescale tablet for your dishwasher and that.
22:44Do you have a favourite limes, D-scaler?
22:48Gandalf?
22:49LAUGHTER
22:54Hey, Bob, will you help me out?
22:56I've got a wishbone and I want a wish to come true.
22:58Yeah, of course I will.
22:59Will you help me out?
23:00Where did you get your wishbone?
23:01I got it around the back of the carvery last night.
23:04Toby's?
23:05Er, no, it's mine.
23:07Bernie in?
23:08It wasn't working that night.
23:10LAUGHTER
23:12Excellent little bit of humour there.
23:14Shall we pull it?
23:15Yeah, have you worked out your wish, though?
23:16Oh, I know what I want, yeah.
23:17Is it good?
23:18Yeah, it is.
23:19Oh, you seem very certain.
23:20OK, good luck, lad.
23:22Hey!
23:23I won!
23:24I won!
23:25I won!
23:26Did me wish come true?
23:27Well, I don't know.
23:28Will you have a look?
23:30It's come true of it?
23:31Has it?
23:32It's come true of luck!
23:33Me wish has come true!
23:35Oh, wow!
23:36I've always wanted a liar on the back of me hand.
23:38It's extraordinary!
23:39You lucky liar!
23:40You could be the first to comb it.
23:42Are you kidding?
23:43Oh, thank you.
23:44Come on.
23:45What a privilege.
23:46Oh, yes, yes.
23:48Oh, yes, yes.
23:51Oh, yes, yes.
23:53Oh, yes.
23:55Oh, yes.
24:01Oh, yes, yes.
24:07Oh...
24:09Yes, yes.
24:11Oh, yeah, oh...
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14Thanks.
24:15Thanks. Thank you so much. What a privilege. Thank you.
24:19Hey, why don't you have a go? Me? Yeah.
24:21You got another wishbone, have you? Yeah.
24:23Where did you get it? Around the back of the Calvary.
24:26Toby's? No, they're mine.
24:28Burn the inn? No, it wasn't working that night.
24:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:33It's just refreezing to improve, innit?
24:36Whatever we do. Yeah, I've looked at my wish.
24:38It's never going to get better than that.
24:40Yeah, let me just get my wish ready. Come on, ready?
24:42Yeah, I've got a... Yeah, I've got a cracker.
24:45Yeah, come on, then.
24:47Pull.
24:48Yes! Yeah, you won! Yes.
24:50Oh, well done! Thank you, thank you.
24:52Did your wish come true? Have a look.
24:54I don't know yet. No, I didn't wish for hairy hands, no.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:58So what did you wish for? I'm not telling you.
25:00It won't come true, then. We've been good all night.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08I wish for your teeth to thicken, and it came true!
25:17LAUGHTER
25:18Ooh-ah!
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21Right. That's it, I want to fight.
25:36Right, I'll fight, yeah.
25:37I want to fight. Over here, come on, then.
25:39Come on, then. Let's fight.
25:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:42Come on. Are you ready?
25:44Neck and move. Come on, then. Neck and move.
25:46Neck and move. Who's first?
25:48Eh? What about this?
25:49Ooh, what's that over there?
25:50LAUGHTER
25:52LAUGHTER
25:54Round and round and round he goes!
25:57Where he starts, nobody knows!
26:00LAUGHTER
26:02Oh!
26:04Come on. I'm coming!
26:06I'm coming!
26:07LAUGHTER
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10What? What? What?
26:11How about this, there? What have you got?
26:13What? What about this one?
26:14What have you got?
26:15Are you ready?
26:16Yeah.
26:17Oh, check this out.
26:18Ooh!
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21LAUGHTER
26:22LAUGHTER
26:23LAUGHTER
26:24LAUGHTER
26:25Low-level scissor kick.
26:26Uh-huh.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28LAUGHTER
26:30Victory is mine!
26:32APPLAUSE
26:33Thank you for that, son.
26:34Well done.
26:35Thanks again, I am Victoria.
26:37You're Victoria from the quadibals, my German volleyball.
26:39What a...
26:40Well, all that remains to do is...
26:42..for us to sing you farewell.
26:44If you can't be bothered watching that,
26:46here's Vaughan here, and he's holding a shoebox...
26:49With a cuttlefish inside it.
26:50A live cuttlefish.
26:51I know you can't see it, ladies and gentlemen,
26:52but I assure you, it is in there.
26:54Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, and good night!
26:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:59You can do it if you really want.
27:00Hey!
27:01You can do it if you really want.
27:02Hey!
27:03You can do it if you really want.
27:05Hey!
27:06You can do it if you really want
27:09You can do it if you really want
27:12You can do it if you really want
27:16You can do it if you really want
27:19Act hard in an elevator
27:22Chopped up in a laundromat
27:26Make a cake for your Reggie-8s
27:29Change your name to Will.i.am
27:33Have several peppery thoughts
27:36Buy a very, very, very heavy dog
27:39Go for a ride on Brad Pitt's camel
27:43Disinfectant, no, no, no, no!
27:46You can do it if you really want
27:49You can do it if you really want
27:53You can do it if you really want
27:56You can do it if you really want
27:59Come on!
28:00You can do it if you really want
28:03You can do it if you really want
28:06You can!
28:07Disinfectant, no, no, no!
28:09Yes!
28:10Disinfectant, no, no, no!
28:12Yes!
28:13Yes!
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