- 9 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01OK, I'll admit it, I had raised a few eyebrows as a child.
00:05My quirks hadn't exactly gone under the radar.
00:07See you later, Landon.
00:09I was basically a box of broken biscuits,
00:12but I enjoyed being on the wonky side.
00:15Until...
00:181989.
00:20I'd grown a foot, dropped two octaves,
00:22and unbeknownst to me, was heading into a new era.
00:26A saucy one.
00:28So this was it.
00:30It was happening to little old me of all people.
00:33Lust.
00:34Desire.
00:35Passion.
00:36Mmm.
00:37Boobies.
00:39My libido had gone full throttle,
00:42so I loved popping into Athena.
00:45It was like Woolies for perverts.
00:49Alright, I thought women were a bit like olives.
00:53They'd turn your stomach at first,
00:55but if you persevere, you'd learn to love them.
00:58Oh, who was I kidding?
01:03I was there for Jake.
01:05Who needs a tennis player itching her bum
01:08when the cutest boy in school is tugging at your heartstrings?
01:11Oh, hello.
01:12You're here again.
01:13It's a Saturday job.
01:14I've got to be here every Saturday.
01:15Er, I was just wondering,
01:16have you got that poster with that lady on the motorbike?
01:17Oh, yeah.
01:18Cracking photo, though.
01:19Suzuki Katana.
01:20Well, I don't know her name, but lovely bike.
01:21Do you roll them, or do they come ready rolled in the plastic sheaf?
01:25Ready rolled?
01:26Ready rolled?
01:27Hmm.
01:28Oh.
01:29Me and Mum love Cyndi Lauper.
01:30It's 3.80.
01:31Hmm?
01:323.80.
01:33Oh.
01:34Keep the change.
01:35Oh.
01:36Oh, yeah, absolutely.
01:37Leather life.
01:38Oh, yeah, absolutely.
01:39Leather life, but me.
01:40You do not want to be lost at sea without one of those boys.
01:42No, sorry.
01:43You're funny.
01:44Oh.
01:45Oh.
01:46Me and Mum love Cyndi Lauper.
01:48It's 3.80.
01:49Hmm?
01:503.80.
01:51Oh.
01:52Keep the change.
01:58Oh, yeah, absolutely.
02:03Leather life, but me, you do not want to be lost at sea without one of those boys.
02:07No, sorry.
02:08You're funny.
02:10Oh.
02:11See you Monday, then.
02:14Oh, God, I nearly ran off with this cane ring.
02:20Keep it.
02:21What?
02:22They won't even notice.
02:23If you want it, keep it.
02:25Oh.
02:26Oh, God.
02:27Bye.
02:28Oh, God's gonna kill me.
02:30Oh.
02:31Oh.
02:32Oh, God.
02:33Bye.
02:34Bye.
02:35Oh, God's gonna kill me.
02:39What?
02:40Oh, God.
02:41Oh.
02:42Oh, God.
02:44Oh.
02:45Oh, God.
02:46My dad was riding high and also looking for a man.
03:03Not like that, a midfielder.
03:05Graham!
03:06Hey, shush, shush, shush!
03:07He's on telly.
03:09Manager of the month again.
03:11You're going to have a drink problem at this rate.
03:12Yeah, uh, chuffed a bit.
03:14Yes, um, we're obviously doing something right.
03:17Any transfers on the horizon?
03:19Anyone caught your eye?
03:20Uh, they have.
03:21I'm just waiting for this one to open his chequebook.
03:25Oh, yeah, it's open.
03:28It's...
03:28My pen is poised.
03:30It better be, because I need a midfielder shop-ish.
03:32Don't put that on the TV.
03:34No, no.
03:35Yeah.
03:36I mean, do we do that photo?
03:37Come on.
03:39Here we are.
03:40Right, right here, guys.
03:41Come on, lads, come on!
03:42Whiskey!
03:46Come on, lads, it's bloody whiskey, not champagne, you idiot!
03:50Don't, lads.
03:50Yeah!
03:51Yeah!
03:51Yeah!
03:52Bam, bam, mon, ça se passe.
03:53J'ai sur mon lit à bouffée, ça n'entendu.
03:55Vendrant mon whisky, quand à moi, un peu dormi,
03:58il viendrait briller.
03:59J'ai du dormi dans la bouche, j'ai eu un flash.
04:02Woooo!
04:03Ha!
04:03Ha!
04:04Ha!
04:05Ha!
04:06Ha!
04:06Ha!
04:07Ha!
04:08Ha!
04:09Ha!
04:10Ha!
04:11Ha!
04:12Ha!
04:13Ha!
04:13Ha!
04:15On settling Dad.
04:16No, you're not.
04:24Oh, was it?
04:25Yeah.
04:26Great.
04:26Call me flipper.
04:27Ha!
04:28Ha!
04:28Ha!
04:29Ha!
04:29Ha!
04:30Ha!
04:31Ha!
04:32Ha!
04:33Ha!
04:33Ha!
04:34Ha!
04:34Ha!
04:34Ha!
04:35Ha!
04:35Ha!
04:36Ha!
04:36Ha!
04:37Ha!
04:38Ha!
04:38Ha!
04:39Ha!
04:40Miss Pearson.
04:41Dad loved sporty women.
04:43He only ever looked at a cleavage to see if there was a stopwatch there.
04:46Is everything all right?
04:47I don't know.
04:48Is it?
04:50Oh, no.
04:52This is Graham's.
04:53He won it.
04:54It's a manager of the month award.
04:59All right.
05:00Congratulations.
05:01They're not wrong.
05:02Thank you very much.
05:03That's very kind of you.
05:06Are you all right, Alan?
05:07Yep.
05:08He had a great time by all accounts.
05:10Oh, did he?
05:11Well, I don't know where, because he never turned up for his swimming lesson.
05:14You what?
05:15Well, Alan's.
05:15If it happens again, I'll have to give his place away.
05:18It won't.
05:19I'll throw him in myself.
05:20I am so sorry, Miss Pearson.
05:25Good stride.
05:27Where the bloody hell were you?
05:29I had a dicky tan.
05:32Not funny, Gavin.
05:34You smell lemonade?
05:35We all know I'm no fan of PE.
05:41Cry it out, Lyle.
05:42Get on with it.
05:43But when Jake was doing the picking, everything seemed bearable.
05:47Even team sports.
05:49All right.
05:50Alan.
05:51Me.
05:52He picked me.
05:53I would have picked Sam and myself.
05:54I won't let you down.
06:02Go get it.
06:04Let's do it.
06:07All right, Scrummage-y.
06:09Come on.
06:09So, how was the rest of your weekend?
06:17We saw each other Saturday.
06:19What?
06:20He just came to the shop.
06:21What?
06:22Oh, it's a modern art.
06:23Oh, and a key rent.
06:24Well, I didn't have to buy the key rent, because Jake gave it to me.
06:28Gratis.
06:29You giving him free stuff?
06:30Yeah.
06:31Yes, you did.
06:33You borrowed him presents, Jay.
06:34It's not a big deal.
06:35I just said, you know, like, boss never cares.
06:38Oh, my God, you're flirting with Alan.
06:40Oh, shut up.
06:40He probably fancies you.
06:42No, I don't.
06:43Who's looking at tits?
06:44You know the posters.
06:46No, I'm not a caveman.
06:49I don't just look at the tits, I look at the whole lady.
06:52Sure, sure.
06:53Who do you fancy, then?
06:55Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:56Who's the unlucky lady?
07:00Why is this taking so long?
07:02Yeah, come on, Alan.
07:03Georgie.
07:03Oh, Georgie.
07:05What do you like about her?
07:06Her name, because it sounded like a boy.
07:08She's...
07:09Well, she's...
07:10Formidable.
07:12Well, you, buddy, should ask her out.
07:14Yeah, ask her out.
07:16Why not?
07:18I'm coming for you.
07:21Lucky old Georgie.
07:24What are you doing?
07:25Comparing persons?
07:26Come on, crack on, lads.
07:28Come on.
07:29So when are you asking her out, Alan?
07:30Oh, elderly.
07:32Cut, what are you staring at?
07:34Come on, Alan.
07:34Saturday meant another swimming lesson,
07:44and after a finagate, my mum was watching me like a hawk.
07:48Right, I want to see you back here in an hour.
07:50Right, go on.
07:51I want to see you going.
07:52Come on.
07:55Go on.
07:56Have fun.
07:57Don't trust him.
08:06Where's your trance?
08:08I didn't bring them.
08:09I'll cover for you.
08:10You can cover for me.
08:17You're wearing that?
08:18Look at how well cowlick if I don't want.
08:20Right, knock me out when you're done.
08:23I'm starving.
08:28I don't know what was more humiliating,
08:30being forced to do a swimming lesson
08:32because your dad fancied the teacher
08:34or that your classmates were six.
08:42Hang in, bro.
08:43Hand me.
08:45Right, everybody in.
08:47I mean, I'll smash a bottle of shampas on me.
09:01Good start, Alan, but you're flapping needlessly.
09:03Your feet can't touch the bottom.
09:05Stop splashing.
09:06You're scaring the others.
09:08Just swim.
09:08It's not that hard.
09:10The only thing tighter than my swim cap
09:13was Ron's wallet.
09:14The cobblers needed a midfielder fast
09:16and he was treading water.
09:19Yes.
09:21Yeah.
09:23Well, let me have a few chats this morning, OK?
09:26Hang on, Martin.
09:28Paperwork for Bodley.
09:30Sale done.
09:30That's 19k in our pocket.
09:32Up the offer for Thomas.
09:33Well, we can't offer the full 19.
09:35I mean, got to hold a bit back, Graham.
09:37I mean, I've got gaps to plug.
09:40Gaps to plug?
09:41I've got a gaping hole in midfield.
09:42Yeah, but 19k, we can't.
09:44Oh, trust me, Ron, he's worth every penny of it.
09:48Oh, we need this.
09:50I heard he's got dodgy knees.
09:52Big time.
09:53Hear him click from the stands.
09:55Look.
09:56Sorry, Martin.
09:58Yeah.
09:59Yeah, we'd like to offer...
10:0519k.
10:07Black coffee, please.
10:13Sorry, I'm Graham Carr's wife.
10:16Oh, yeah.
10:17Yes, I am.
10:18I've seen you in the papers.
10:20It's amazing.
10:21He's amazing.
10:23Yeah, thank you.
10:24I've had a good run of it, aren't we?
10:27He's at the ground now.
10:29Big day.
10:31Buying.
10:32Selling.
10:34Transferring this, transferring that.
10:35Buying bits and bobs.
10:38Yeah, big.
10:40Big.
10:40There's a lot of buying and selling going on.
10:42I couldn't get your autograph, could I?
10:46Oh, God, no.
10:50Really?
10:51Oh, you don't want mine.
10:53Who should I make it out to?
10:55Wendy.
10:56She just did her usual signature.
11:00But from that point on, she took to making the A of car
11:04into a little football.
11:06That's a little football.
11:09Thank you, Wendy.
11:13One pound for you, please.
11:17Little biscuit.
11:22I'm sorry.
11:24What was your name?
11:25Becky.
11:26Thank you, Becky.
11:33Frothy coffee, please.
11:34Oh, they should have called by now.
11:51It's a yes, surely.
11:5219k.
11:53Fancy a tea?
11:54Oh, fancy a tea.
11:56Joy!
11:57Joy!
12:01Yeah, nice copper.
12:02Joy!
12:19Hello, stranger.
12:20Oh, you're a mighty angel.
12:22Let's get you a napkin.
12:23Sorry, she's had a little spillage.
12:25Oh, shades are too big for your face.
12:27Another one?
12:28No, I'll go.
12:30They, um...
12:31sort of know me, yeah.
12:34Oh, regular haunt, is it?
12:36No, they recognise me.
12:38Cos of Graham, all the press nonsense.
12:41I'm still getting used to it.
12:43All right.
12:44You're not going to believe this.
12:47Woman just asked me for me autograph.
12:51I don't believe it, no.
12:53I'll go.
12:54She gave me a free biscuit when she clocked who I was.
12:56Oh, Christine, bless you, no.
12:59They give everyone a little biscuit.
13:00Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
13:01Nobody pays for the little biscuit.
13:04Yeah, but she did a sort of cheeky smile when she put it on.
13:07People tend to do a cheeky smile when there's a biscuit around, Christine.
13:09No.
13:10It was definite.
13:11Let's see, shall we?
13:11Martin, knock 9k off that.
13:21We've crunched the numbers again.
13:2310k is top whack.
13:25I know, I know, but think about it.
13:28No.
13:30Martin.
13:32Wash your mouth out.
13:37I need you to phone that phone from this phone.
13:44What phone?
13:45That phone.
13:46Boardroom phone.
13:47Can't I just call it from my office phone?
13:49Hmm.
13:51Then it would be an internal ring.
13:53We need it to be an external ring.
13:59Right.
14:00Right.
14:01But it is internal, because it's me.
14:04But it's not you, is it?
14:08Just phone that bloody phone from this bloody phone, please, Joy.
14:12And what do I say?
14:14Nothing!
14:20He's on his way.
14:21Doggy paddle's not the most efficient stroke, Alan.
14:24If it's good math, they're a lapar dog.
14:27Nice.
14:28Oh, yeah.
14:32Oi, Alan.
14:34Where's your arm bands?
14:37Nice swimming cap.
14:38Why are you in the PC pool with the toddlers?
14:39Excuse me, this is a private lesson.
14:43A private lesson that I'm helping Miss Pearson with as a teaching assistant.
14:48Yeah, that's it.
14:49Alan!
14:51What did I say, Peter, about kicking those legs?
14:54No, Joanne, push through the wall tower.
14:58No, for the love of God, not good enough.
15:00Alan!
15:01Really cute, isn't it?
15:02The Little Mermaid's trying to get a five-metre badge.
15:04Nice one.
15:05Alan, get back here!
15:08Yeah, I'm just going on the break.
15:10Mrs Pearson, can you help me?
15:11Oh, oh, come on.
15:13Jane!
15:13Hey.
15:14Oh, my God.
15:15What are you doing here?
15:16Is it Saturday?
15:17Oh, er, I got the sack.
15:19What?
15:19Why?
15:20Couldn't be giving stuff away.
15:21Oh, the key ring.
15:22It was so mad.
15:23No, it's not.
15:24It wasn't that.
15:26My mum paid with a tenner and I gave a 20 change.
15:28Oh, Jake and Revel, you devil.
15:34See you in there.
15:52Are you perving on Jane?
15:53Well, no.
15:54Because your girlfriend's here.
15:57Georgie.
15:58How is she?
16:00You can ask her out.
16:02Right, I'll go back.
16:04Ask her out.
16:08Alan thinks you're hot, Georgie.
16:10Isn't that right, Alan?
16:12Guilty as charged.
16:15And Maz, everyone thinks you're hot too.
16:17Yeah, I know.
16:18God, yeah.
16:20It's like being in a superton, sexy croutons.
16:24What's a crouton?
16:25Why, when you were feeling so self-conscious, would you pop on a pair of trunks and bob along half-naked in a giant bath, hoping that someone, anyone, would find you attractive?
16:35No heavy petting.
16:39You what?
16:39You word.
16:40So just to clarify, the little biscuits, they're free?
16:43They're free, yep.
16:45For everyone?
16:46Yep.
16:47Not just the wives of third division football managers.
16:50What?
16:51Thought not.
16:53Thank you, sir.
16:54What's your name?
16:54Becky.
16:55Thank you, Becky.
16:56You've been very helpful.
17:08Hello?
17:09Hello?
17:10No!
17:11Hello, Martin!
17:14Have you?
17:16Oh, no.
17:18Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
17:20Oh, that's a shame.
17:23Thanks for letting us know.
17:25Yeah.
17:29They got a better offer.
17:31A 19K?
17:32Mm!
17:34You're joking.
17:35I wish I was.
17:36I really wish I was.
17:38Greedy buggers.
17:40I don't believe that.
17:42Thanks for that.
17:50Must have just left it, didn't you?
17:53Any chance of that tea?
17:55Yeah.
17:56Get a wiggle on, Joy.
18:01Oh, Georgie.
18:03Mola.
18:04Georgie.
18:09Oh, thanks, Grant.
18:10I'd like to stroke your back.
18:16Feet bends.
18:17Bend!
18:18Stroke your back.
18:19Stroke your arse more like.
18:23You don't have to try so hard, don't you?
18:25Yes, I do.
18:27Maybe you don't.
18:29Charming, popular, debonair.
18:30Better at this stuff.
18:32You coming to the deep end, Alan, or what?
18:35No, yeah.
18:36You probably just stay with the little ones.
18:38Keep up with your croutons, Alan.
18:39Shut up, Mandy.
18:41You're not allowed in the deep end.
18:42Do.
18:43Leave him.
18:44He's meant to be teaching.
18:46Give me him.
18:47No.
18:48No.
18:48See ya!
18:51My glasses.
18:53I can't see.
18:55My glasses were just there.
18:57Like Harold Bishop's were when he drowned in neighbours.
19:00Stop off the way.
19:06Stop off the way.
19:07Can you make your way over to squash call one, please?
19:09Squash call one.
19:14We always say we should do coffee, don't we?
19:16I think I'm going to go and watch Alan for a bit.
19:25Okay.
19:26I'll come up with a quiz.
19:28Thank you, Becky.
19:29Thank you, Becky.
19:29Thank you, Becky.
19:29Thank you, Becky.
19:48He's strung my glasses in.
19:50Go get them, then.
19:51I'm just working out my angle of entrance.
20:06Jump in, man.
20:07What are you doing?
20:08He can't swim.
20:10How was that kind?
20:11Prove it, then.
20:12Oh, don't, Leslie.
20:14Alan, get back in the baby pool.
20:21Alan, get in the crash.
20:24Alan, go.
20:25Go on, swim.
20:26You're scared.
20:29Jump in, Alan.
20:30Jump in, Alan.
20:31This is scratching.
20:34Jump in, jump in, jump in, jump in, jump in.
20:42Go around.
20:43Jump in.
20:44There's a poo in the poo.
20:49There's a poo in the poo.
20:51Evacuate the poo, everyone else!
20:57Please evacuate the poo.
20:58Please evacuate the poo.
20:58Please evacuate the poo.
20:59Please evacuate the poo.
21:00Please evacuate the poo.
21:01Please make your way back to the changing rooms.
21:04Shame about your glasses, mate.
21:09Oh, my God.
21:11Out him!
21:12Someone out him!
21:13I couldn't help thinking these swimming lessons had been a waste of money.
21:23But drowning was preferable to romancing a girl.
21:26Where's Jake?
21:32Where's Alan?
21:32Oh, my God.
21:33I just died on your arms tonight.
21:38Oh, my God.
21:40Oh, my God.
21:41I just died on your arms tonight.
21:46I just died on your arms tonight.
21:48Oh, was it?
21:54Well, er...
21:55Thanks for asking.
21:57We lost Roberts.
21:58We nearly lost Alan.
21:59What?
22:02What's wrong with your glasses?
22:03Oh, they got washed in a suction pack.
22:05So I couldn't swim.
22:07Who cares?
22:08I'd swallowed a floating plaster.
22:10So what?
22:11I was heading home with a lung filled with chlorine
22:14and a heart full of love.
22:17Maybe I should try drowning more often.
22:21Where's your hair dry?
22:26Tiki Tom?
22:31So, I was Miss Pearson.
22:33You mentioned me.
23:03You mentioned me.
23:05You mentioned me.
23:25I'm Will.
Be the first to comment