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Short filmTranscript
00:00Sleigh bells ringing, gifts are giving, hark the herald angels singing, hush the silent night to say, Santa's born on Christmas Day.
00:18Yes, it's a Christmas Eve of destruction, with your host, Sean McCullough!
00:30Merry, merry, merry Christmas to John Foreman and Ella Hooper.
00:34What a happy birthday.
00:36Thank you very much.
00:38Now, in this time of giving and receiving things of little to no worth, what better time to think of the things that are important.
00:45Not important, perhaps, to you and I, but to others.
00:47Not friends and loved ones, but people like our guests.
00:50The first of whom is either Luke McGregor or Steph Tisdall.
00:53I want it to be a surprise.
00:54Would you please welcome comedian, actor and writer, either Steph Tisdall or Luke McGregor?
01:04Halls, halls, decamotally, shopping malls with music jolly, tis this season of ship holly.
01:10You'll tag down the country.
01:11Oh, that's right.
01:12That's right.
01:13You're like a rat on a stick.
01:16I already had one backstage.
01:18Good fall, thank you.
01:19Are they real rats?
01:21Yes, they're real rats.
01:22Oh, right.
01:22Everything very authentic here.
01:23It's Christmas Eve.
01:25It is Christmas and I, too, love to have rats at Christmas.
01:29Do you have a lovely Christmas or rat story?
01:32I used to have a pet rat.
01:33Yes.
01:34Until it died.
01:37It's actually the second one down.
01:39I believed in Santa for ages because when I was little I saw a shooting star and I'm like,
01:46that's Santa and so well into my very early teens I was still like, people would be like, Santa's not real and I'd be like, yeah, but I knew in my head he was real because I'd seen him outside.
01:58I know he's not real now, but it's Christmas Eve.
02:01Because he crashed.
02:05That is a beautiful story and well told.
02:08It's probably my best story of all time.
02:11Yeah, it's my favourite.
02:12We did peak early, didn't we?
02:14But it is Christmas Eve and you're going on holiday.
02:17This is the premise of the show.
02:19Yes.
02:19You're going on holiday.
02:20Yes.
02:20And you've decided to Airbnb your house.
02:23Yes.
02:23While you're away.
02:24And like most people who are Airbnb, you've got this little cupboard where you put all of your possessions inside the cupboard and you lock it so that people can't steal stuff.
02:31Yeah.
02:31Unfortunately, the lock is broken.
02:33Oh no, Luke, the lock is broken.
02:35It means that people can come in and ransack all your possessions.
02:37They're just coming up the driveway.
02:39Well, they'll never be able to steal that excellent story I just told.
02:43That's safe.
02:44That's safe.
02:45That's in the car.
02:46Your pets are safe, your loved ones are safe and your photographs, they're all safe.
02:49Yeah.
02:50But two possessions I'm after that you can rescue from inevitable ransacking.
02:54What would they be, Luke McGregor?
02:57Obviously, my collection of condoms.
02:59I'm kidding.
03:01Sorry.
03:01I apologise.
03:02I apologise.
03:03Well, that's how Jesus was born.
03:04I've got to, I might as well just say it.
03:11I don't want to be embarrassed about it.
03:11I'm a bit of a fan of Ghostbusters.
03:13Really?
03:14And so...
03:15I did not know that.
03:16I just, look, I didn't want to make any assumptions when you came in.
03:18No, no, it's just...
03:19I just thought you might be insane.
03:20No, no.
03:21It's just a laundry day.
03:23All right.
03:24So, and I've, in my adulthood, spent quite a lot of money on buying Ghostbusters props.
03:28Mm-hmm.
03:29So, I would save my PKE meter, my Ghostbusters PKE meter from Ghostbusters 1 and, um...
03:34You're all right, nerd.
03:36What's the, what's the, no, no, no.
03:38What's the second, what's the second item?
03:40There's a VHS tape of the first thing I ever made, ever.
03:43Yes.
03:43Um, directed, start in, um, and it's on VHS that I made for my friend's 21st.
03:50So, I would take that too.
03:51All right.
03:51Those two things sound good.
03:52Let's bring them on.
03:53He's got a list and if your name's on it, don't matter where you come from.
03:59As long as you are good and kind, you'll get things at Christmastime.
04:04Would you please thank Dominic and Taylor, our elves, for this evening?
04:10Wow.
04:11This is more than, uh, you said.
04:13Is that, this is, uh...
04:14This is, this is, you actually got the...
04:16Yeah, that, I...
04:17That's not yours.
04:18No, full disclosure, um, the production asked if I was willing to send mine down.
04:22And I'm like, well, as long as someone else packs it.
04:24And they said, no, you've got to pack it.
04:25So, I was too scared to send it, because I was worried it would break.
04:29But this is...
04:29You like that?
04:30Can I...
04:31No, you can't have it.
04:33That's the, uh, Neutrona wand, isn't it?
04:35So, we won't talk about the Neutrona wand.
04:38Um...
04:38Stop, stop coveting it, all right?
04:40And the proton pack, that's not yours.
04:42Can we, no, can we turn it on at least, or...?
04:44No, we're not going to turn it on.
04:45We're not going to have any fun with it at all.
04:48You did have a chance to bring yours down and you refused.
04:50I couldn't, I didn't, I didn't want to pack it, I was too scared.
04:53It was a custom-made prop.
04:55How much did you spend getting it made?
04:57Four grand.
04:58Four grand to get this made?
05:00This only cost us, like, $100.
05:03All right, anyway, we're not talking about that.
05:05Okay.
05:05Not talking about the Neutrona wand, or the proton pack, or this, uh, this uniform here.
05:10We're talking about this PKE meter.
05:13And what's a PKE meter?
05:14It detects ghosts, um...
05:17Well, it doesn't really detect ghosts.
05:18Well, it detects, um, the...
05:20Psycho-kinetic energy.
05:21Psycho-kinetic energy.
05:22Apologies.
05:23You should know this.
05:24I know.
05:26You're dressed as a ghostbuster.
05:29I really, I really just, um...
05:32Like, it's a, it's, the job interview is very easy.
05:35What else have you got?
05:36I mean, apart from, you've got all this, obviously.
05:38You've got all this, all this happening.
05:39I've got this, that, that, and then I've got all the video games,
05:44and I've got the trap.
05:45What about where they are stored in the...
05:47The containment unit?
05:48Do you have a containment unit?
05:49No, I've got, like, a laundry, um...
05:52So I can, like, pretend I'm putting it in the containment unit,
05:55but it's just a, it's just a washing machine.
05:57But this, can I take it out of here?
05:59Yeah, yeah, absolutely, you take that out.
06:00So this is, um, one of the first props I bought.
06:03When did you get that?
06:04About five years ago.
06:06Five years ago?
06:07I thought this, oh, this was a childhood thing.
06:08No, no, no.
06:09I couldn't afford any of this stuff as a kid.
06:12I had to wait till I was an adult.
06:13All right, how much was that?
06:14This was a couple hundred bucks.
06:16Wow, okay.
06:17But if you paid a hundred bucks for this, um, I think we should...
06:21Can we turn it on?
06:22Can we just turn it on?
06:23Can we just flip this over?
06:24I'll tell you what, I'll tell you, we'll just turn it on now.
06:27And you act like you're impressed.
06:28That's, that's the...
06:29Oh.
06:30It does work!
06:31Okay.
06:33No, no, leave it alone.
06:34Leave it alone.
06:35We'll turn it off.
06:36All right, you're not to touch it, all right?
06:37Okay.
06:38Did you know that this is related to a film called Ghostbusters?
06:41I haven't seen it.
06:42Have you seen the film?
06:44I plan to.
06:45You have seen the film?
06:46You have seen the film?
06:46I have seen it, yeah, many times.
06:47Now, when did it come out?
06:491980, I think.
06:51Probably a bit later, right?
06:5281?
06:5382.
06:54And when were you born?
06:5582.
06:55Okay, so you saw it when you were one year old?
06:57I mean, he was playing in the birth suite.
07:02Who are you going to call?
07:03Quick, get that...
07:04So you saw it when you were one, or you saw it later?
07:08I saw it later, I saw it when I was about 10, but I...
07:11It's still pretty good.
07:12No, earlier, I was...
07:13But it was good, because I used to be scared of ghosts,
07:17any sort of monster.
07:18I used to struggle to go to the toilet by myself.
07:20Hang on, hang on, hang on.
07:21So before Ghostbusters, were you scared of ghosts?
07:25Yes.
07:26Why were you scared of ghosts?
07:28Well, you know the film It with Stephen King?
07:33By Stephen King?
07:33Yeah, the one with the clown that eats children.
07:35So this is the Tim Curry version?
07:37Yeah.
07:37This is a miniseries?
07:38Yeah, so I watched that.
07:40Well, hang on, how old were you when you watched that?
07:42I was very young, but I'd seen...
07:44Mum and Dad were watching some horror film.
07:46It wasn't it, but it was like Poltergeist or something?
07:49I can't remember.
07:49But, oh, The Exorcist?
07:51So I'd sort of...
07:52So how old were you when you watched The Exorcist?
07:56I was only sort of a little bit.
07:57I was young.
07:58I was like...
07:59Mum and Dad weren't very attentive,
08:01that I was in the background.
08:03I don't want to be judgmental,
08:04but your mother and father sound like terrible parents.
08:08They weren't great.
08:10So they let you watch It?
08:11They let you watch Poltergeist?
08:13They just didn't stop me.
08:15So I would sort of wander into the background
08:17and they'd be like,
08:18that's fine.
08:19So I got very scared of going to the toilet by myself,
08:23but when Ghostbusters came out...
08:24Why were you scared going to the toilet?
08:25Well, It lives in the toilet, but also...
08:27Who lives in the toilet?
08:28The clown lives in the toilet.
08:29Well, he doesn't live in the toilet,
08:30he lives in the stores,
08:31but he has access to the toilet.
08:32OK, so Tim Curry lives in the toilet.
08:33Tim Curry...
08:34Yes.
08:36You thought that he lived in the toilet.
08:39That's difficult for a young boy.
08:41How old are you?
08:41Nine, ten years old?
08:41I didn't think the actor lived in the toilet,
08:44but I did think there was a clown
08:46that ate children who had access to toilets.
08:48OK, so you thought Pennywise lived in your toilet.
08:50I thought Pennywise was living in my toilet.
08:53All right.
08:53Now, did seeing Ghostbusters make that better?
08:55Which makes you wonder,
08:56what's he doing in the downtime?
08:59That's the first thing I was thinking
09:00when you were telling that story.
09:03Did Ghostbusters help?
09:04Because that's got...
09:05That's pretty scary to do.
09:06Well, yeah, because they used science
09:08to capture the ghosts.
09:09So all these things I was afraid of,
09:10I could just point this thing at them
09:12and trap them.
09:15It's not easy doing a number two
09:16wearing a proton pack.
09:17And it did help me go from my room to the toilet
09:22without fear with my Ghostbusters toys.
09:26Who did you relate to in Ghostbusters?
09:28When you saw it as a nine-year-old,
09:29I imagine there would have been characters
09:30that you would have associated with more than others.
09:32Oh, Egon.
09:33Egon Spengler, yes?
09:35Just because he has glasses,
09:36and I'm also a short-sighted.
09:37He invented the...
09:38He invented the stuff.
09:39He came up with it.
09:40So he took a fear that he had
09:42and then turned it into something he could deal with.
09:45So him and Ray...
09:46Ray was the Dan Aykroyd character?
09:48Yeah.
09:48Ray really loved his job and was really curious.
09:50I think I'm curious.
09:51And then Egon was a really good inventor.
09:53Not that I can invent anything,
09:54but I'd like to think that we'd be mates.
09:58What about the comedy aspect?
10:00Because it's actually a comedy film as well.
10:01Have you picked up that?
10:01Yes.
10:02I have chuckled.
10:03Did you see anything that helped inspire you become a...
10:06Because you're a comedian, aren't you?
10:07Yeah, I think so.
10:08They used humour a lot in that film,
10:10and I tend to use humour when I'm in...
10:12dire straits.
10:13Like, when I was growing up and I was bullied,
10:16I thought, if I can make the bully laugh,
10:18maybe he won't hit me or hit me as hard.
10:20So that was a good...
10:21God, it's really sad.
10:22So that was really good.
10:23And so comedy was...
10:24It's like my go-to.
10:27I definitely will do therapy eventually,
10:30but for the moment...
10:31What about Tim Curry?
10:33Have you come to terms with his other roles?
10:35After I saw him at Home Alone...
10:37He's in Home Alone 2, haven't you?
10:38He's in Home Alone 2.
10:39Along with Donald Trump, I think?
10:40So Donald Trump, yeah.
10:42It spoils it, doesn't it?
10:44It does, it did.
10:45Looking back...
10:46He had a small supporting role in Hunt for Red October.
10:49Have you seen that?
10:50Donald Trump did.
10:51No, no, no.
10:53No, no.
10:54If we know anything about Donald Trump,
10:55we know that he doesn't like submarines.
10:57We know that.
10:59But have you considered that Tim Curry,
11:00who of course played a clown...
11:01Yeah.
11:02...in It may well have inspired you to become,
11:05in a way, many ways, a clown?
11:06I don't think so.
11:07It made me hate clowns.
11:10But I do like eating children.
11:12So that's...
11:13Yeah.
11:15I like the fact that you like Egon Spengler,
11:17because he's, of course, played by Harold Ramis.
11:19Yeah.
11:20Who became a film director.
11:21That leads us very neatly onto this item here.
11:23Oh, yeah.
11:24Which is your first film that you would have ever directed.
11:27I haven't seen this in a long time,
11:28because I don't have a VHS player.
11:29It's been about maybe 20 years or something.
11:32How long did you make it, 20 years ago?
11:33Oh, I'm 42 now.
11:35I was 21 when I made it, so...
11:37And you made it for...
11:38My friend Mikaela used to buy me these weird gifts every year,
11:42and I never knew what to buy her,
11:43so I thought I'll make a video
11:45of all the embarrassing situations they've got me into.
11:47Have you seen it yet?
11:48I thank you for sending it in.
11:50And I did watch it.
11:52I don't say anything racist or...
11:54You don't say anything racist,
11:56but there is a lot of things that will embarrass you about it.
11:58OK.
11:59Do you remember how long it is?
12:00Is it under 10 minutes?
12:01It's under 10 minutes.
12:01It's seven minutes of the most boring content I've ever seen.
12:06But now you've explained the context of it,
12:08because what you're doing is celebrating you and Mikaela
12:12have been giving each other crappy presents.
12:14Yeah.
12:14This is the apotheosis of a crappy gift to give your friend.
12:19Yeah.
12:19That was the logic behind it, wasn't it?
12:20Yeah.
12:21Yeah.
12:21But my wife's Indigenous,
12:24and my wife said,
12:25look, you're a 21-year-old white man back then.
12:27You should probably pre-watch it before you put it on TV.
12:31And I didn't.
12:33So...
12:34Well, you're going to trust me,
12:35because we digitised it.
12:36Yeah.
12:37Which I suspect is the reason you've wanted it in the first place,
12:40so the ABC would digitise it so you could see it.
12:43Yeah.
12:44It was to get a free proton pack and to get that digitised.
12:46Well, we...
12:46And add some free wrap.
12:47I cut it down a little bit...
12:49Oh, please.
12:50...to one frame.
12:52This is you introducing it.
12:54This is a picture of you introducing it.
12:56All right.
12:57And you've got a Christmas tree there,
12:58so I'm assuming Mikaela's birthday was around about Christmastime.
13:01Yeah, December 20th.
13:02That's nice.
13:03Isn't that nice?
13:04Yeah.
13:04What a coincidence.
13:05But we thought that'd be a bit dull just showing one frame,
13:08so I managed to pad it out to four seconds.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11This involves the frog.
13:13Do you remember the frog as a gift that you were given by Mikaela?
13:15I was given a frog that whenever you moved it,
13:19it made a fred-up sound.
13:21A what?
13:22A fred-up.
13:23Fred-up?
13:23You mean ribbit.
13:24Oh, ribbit.
13:26LAUGHTER
13:26Did I combine fred-o and ribbit?
13:31Who's to say who's wrong or right?
13:32It's Christmas.
13:33Well, I'm pretty sure it's me,
13:35but this particular frog goes fred-up.
13:37OK.
13:39And so I had it in my school bag walking home,
13:41and I grew up in kind of a rough neighbourhood,
13:44and as I was walking home,
13:47there were these...
13:48Some kids from another school were hearing my backpack go,
13:51rred-up, rred-up.
13:52And so I recreated that with the magic of the film.
13:55All right, well, let's have a look at this wonderful clip
13:58from a VHS tape.
14:00Why have you got it?
14:01Didn't you give it to her?
14:02Isn't it a present?
14:03Oh, you had two?
14:04I got two, yeah.
14:04So she has one?
14:05Yep.
14:06Does she like it?
14:09LAUGHTER
14:09There's a reason you cut it down to four seconds.
14:11OK, let's have a look at this beautiful gift to Michaela
14:15some 20 years ago.
14:17Cut down to four seconds.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:25Fantastic.
14:28APPLAUSE
14:33That's great.
14:34I'll be signing them out the back if you want to buy a copy.
14:36Now, you tell us about Michaela,
14:38because she was obviously a good friend of yours.
14:40And is she still a good friend of yours?
14:41We're not that close anymore.
14:42We sort of parted ways.
14:45I'm starting to wonder if maybe because of the quality
14:47of the thing I gave her as a presence.
14:50We grew up together, but we didn't have a really good...
14:51We're close.
14:52But you lived together, though, didn't you?
14:54Yeah, we lived together.
14:55It was really weird.
14:55We were both introverts,
14:57and so we'd both sort of retreat to our rooms,
15:00and then, like, I'd have someone around,
15:02and they'd say,
15:02oh, where's your house, man?
15:03I'm like, I don't know.
15:05We were both very private and both very introverted,
15:08so it was kind of perfect.
15:09So it was a platonic friendship?
15:10It was a platonic friendship.
15:11Never any chance or any opportunity
15:13or any desire to make it a romantic?
15:15No, we never were that close.
15:17It was never romantic.
15:18It was a strange relationship of just two people
15:20who started buying each other dumb gifts,
15:22but then it just didn't stop.
15:24I think I invited her to one of my birthdays,
15:25and she bought me something silly,
15:26so then I bought her something silly,
15:28and then once a year we would do this thing for each other.
15:30Was it a bit like, you know, you did that...
15:32Remember that thing you did, that Rosehaven show?
15:34Remember that?
15:35I do remember it.
15:36Do you remember that?
15:36Yeah, yeah.
15:37That relationship you have with Celia's character
15:39is a platonic friendship.
15:40You don't often see that explored in television.
15:41No.
15:42Well, Celia and I are besties in real life,
15:44so that was...
15:45We were going to kiss in the first season,
15:47but then we delayed it,
15:48and then we told ABC we'd kiss at the end of the second season,
15:51and then we still didn't.
15:52And then by the third season,
15:53people were kind of on board
15:54that we were never going to kiss.
15:55But we have kissed in real life once
15:57at a comedy after-party,
16:01and people were daring to kiss each other,
16:03and Celia's and I kissed,
16:04but I don't remember it.
16:06Celia's told me that that's what happened.
16:07Did you black out?
16:08No, I was just pretty drunk.
16:10So she remembers the kiss, but you don't?
16:11That's very interesting.
16:12Yeah.
16:13Real power play, right?
16:14Yeah.
16:15What did she tell you about the kiss?
16:17Was she moved by the kiss?
16:18No, it was pretty run-of-the-mill.
16:20Was it just a peck on the cheek?
16:21I think it was lip-locked, but no tongue.
16:23Why do you think that?
16:24Well, I would have had Invisalign at the time.
16:28It would have prohibited some of the bigger moves.
16:33So in a way, you've gone further with Celia
16:35than you ever did with Michaela.
16:36Yeah, yeah.
16:37Are you making anything more with Celia?
16:39We've started writing something new.
16:41Not Rosehaven?
16:42No, Ghostbusters 4.
16:45Look forward to it.
16:46The original pitch for Rosehaven,
16:48we ended up changing it,
16:49was these two real estate agents
16:51who only sold haunted houses.
16:54So you'd be showing people through and going,
16:55the walls bleed,
16:57but it only happens at midnight
16:58and it'll be gone by the morning.
17:00Like, it was a fun sketch,
17:01but we couldn't work it out into, like,
17:03that many seasons.
17:04But that was the original pitch.
17:05And my mum sold a murderous house once,
17:10and...
17:11OK, hang on a sec.
17:13So...
17:13Yeah.
17:15This wasn't a house that you and your parents
17:17and family lived in?
17:18No, mum was a real estate agent.
17:20Oh, I see.
17:20And, um...
17:21Sorry, I should have said that first.
17:22Yeah.
17:22Um...
17:23And the murderer asked mum if...
17:27Hang on a minute.
17:28She was acting on behalf of the murderer?
17:30Yeah.
17:30Anyway, the murderer asked mum
17:31if they could help get rid of my stuff,
17:33because I can't use it anymore.
17:34I'm in jail.
17:35And the PlayStation that we had growing up,
17:37I found out years later,
17:38was the murderer's PlayStation.
17:40LAUGHTER
17:41Yeah.
17:42Oh, wow.
17:42It's OK.
17:43I didn't play the same video games as them,
17:44so I'm not going to murder anyone.
17:46Did you use the PKE meter
17:48to detect anything in the PlayStation?
17:51Yes.
17:52There was a...
17:53a finger of one of their victims.
17:55LAUGHTER
17:55So, Hurt, sorry.
17:56The PlayStation was...
17:57I don't want to be ghoulish about this.
17:58No, no, no.
17:58Because it's Christmas Eve.
17:59Yes.
18:00But, uh, how did the person get murdered?
18:04LAUGHTER
18:04I think they were hit over the head
18:06with a PlayStation.
18:07I'm not sure.
18:07No, I don't know.
18:08I don't know how the murderer murdered.
18:10Mm-hm.
18:11Um, I just knew that that PlayStation
18:12was the former murderer's PlayStation.
18:14Like, I like to separate the PlayStation
18:16from the murderer.
18:18Look, you've come a long, long way
18:20from being scared of Tim Curry in your toilet.
18:23Don't get me wrong,
18:23if I found a clown in the toilet,
18:25it would scar me for life.
18:26I'd be ruined.
18:27OK.
18:28No, no, that's all right.
18:29If you want to use the toilet here at the ABC,
18:32I can assure you that there is no clown in it.
18:35That's something that someone would say
18:36that's organised a bunch of clowns in the toilet.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:41It's going to be a surprise.
18:42Would you please thank Luke McGregor?
18:44CHEERING
18:44And, uh, we'll be back right after this.
18:50Coming up tonight, a feeling of listlessness,
18:53followed by nausea and vomiting
18:54from the producers of Murder in Paradise
18:57and Difficulty Sleeping with Michael Portillo.
19:00LAUGHTER
19:00Well, welcome back.
19:02Like most presents on Christmas Day,
19:04you save the best one to open last.
19:06You weigh them up, shake them,
19:08feel their shape as best you can
19:10to find out whether it's rubbish or not.
19:11That's all we've done here tonight.
19:13Got the cheap stocking filler out of the way first
19:16so we can enjoy the thrill of tearing the wrapping off
19:19the gift that we really want.
19:21Would you please welcome
19:22comedian, actor and writer,
19:24Steph Tisdall.
19:24APPLAUSE
19:25Are they actually rats?
19:38Yes, they're actually rats.
19:39We had them flown in.
19:40You don't want one now?
19:41Maybe a little bit later.
19:42You're going off.
19:42All right.
19:43Reject the one bit of kindness I offer you.
19:45I'm very sorry.
19:46They look lovely.
19:47Are they actually real food?
19:48They are real food.
19:49They are real food.
19:50Rat is an actual food.
19:52Wow.
19:52Traditional in some countries, isn't it, Luke?
19:55Yes.
19:57Can I ask you,
19:58is that a Christmas gift for me,
19:59that lovely wrapped ribbon on your finger?
20:01Well, it's just,
20:03it's called a finger cot,
20:04but it looks like a tiny condom.
20:06Oh, not that, it's not that tiny.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:09Sorry, it looks like an average-sized condom.
20:12Sure, that's better.
20:13So, to try and make it nicer,
20:16we've put a bow on it, but...
20:17What have you done to your finger?
20:19I chopped the top of my finger off.
20:20What?
20:21Yeah.
20:21Was it cooking or practising with a sword?
20:24It was cooking.
20:25I was actually trying to do a really nice gesture
20:27for my partner.
20:28She went through a hike.
20:29Was the gesture this?
20:30Yeah.
20:33That's a nice thing to do.
20:34Was it vegetarian, largely, up until that point?
20:37Yeah, exactly, yeah.
20:38And then I made blood pudding, so...
20:40Right.
20:41Hey, I hear...
20:42Little Bird tells me that it's Christmas Eve.
20:45Yes.
20:45But it's not just Christmas Eve.
20:47No, it's not just Christmas Eve, thank you.
20:49What, what is this?
20:50A very special day for you, isn't it?
20:51It's my birthday.
20:52It's your birthday.
20:55I have a present for you.
20:56Thank you so much.
20:57I have a present for you.
20:58Happy birthday.
20:59Wow, thank you so much.
21:00I haven't got a present for you
21:01because it's not your birthday.
21:02No.
21:03And I do want to give everybody Christmas presents.
21:04But Steph, I suspect,
21:06probably ends up having a bit of difficulty.
21:10Thank you so much.
21:12It's the Ghostbusters original moment.
21:14That's right.
21:14That is for you.
21:16It is the 2016 version.
21:18I will listen to the words, will you?
21:20Yeah, like I genuinely will.
21:21That's nice.
21:22Yeah.
21:22Isn't that lovely, Luke?
21:23Yeah.
21:23A lovely present.
21:24That's a great gift.
21:25Is that a problem for you?
21:27I'm sort of assuming that you kind of get the raw end of the pumpkin,
21:30as they never say,
21:31about when it comes to Christmas and your birthday.
21:34Yes, actually.
21:36And I remember when I was 10,
21:37I got given a present from somebody that said,
21:40Merry birthday.
21:41And it was 10 bucks.
21:4310 bucks?
21:43So I got five bucks for birthday,
21:44five bucks for Christmas.
21:45So it was a single $10 note,
21:48and you were expected to interpret that as being $5 for each of the days.
21:52Well, it said Merry birthday.
21:53Right.
21:54I'm angry on your behalf.
21:56Who did this to you?
21:57I'll speak to them.
21:57Stupid mum and dad.
21:58And you know what?
22:01When I was born,
22:02I got strangled by the umbilical cord and then got jaundiced.
22:05And so I had to stay overnight in the humidity crib.
22:08And so when they went in to get me on Christmas Day,
22:11the nurses had wrapped me in Christmas paper.
22:15That's lovely.
22:15Well, that is very interesting that you are then presented
22:20by the nursing staff of this hospital as a Christmas present
22:23for your mother and father.
22:25I know.
22:25And they spend the rest of their lives shortchanging you on your birthday.
22:28Yeah, I know.
22:29I know.
22:30All right, OK.
22:31Now, you two have entered the short-term housing market.
22:34Yes.
22:34Like Luke, you've got all your possessions.
22:35You're putting them in a cupboard.
22:37Unfortunately, like Luke, the cupboard is broken, can't be locked.
22:40Oh, no.
22:40So which two items do you save?
22:43Because they're just coming up the driveway and they're going to come.
22:45Other than that CD that you just got.
22:47Yeah, yeah.
22:48Keep that.
22:48That's all right.
22:49That's safe.
22:49That's safe.
22:50Look, Sean, I'm going to save my theory board and my gluggle jug.
22:53I don't know what they are, but I want to see it.
22:57Reindeer's feet upon the roof.
22:59Presents purchased from the cookshops.
23:02Players unloaded from the sleigh.
23:03To be returned on Boxing Day.
23:07You weren't returned on Boxing Day, were you?
23:09I actually don't know.
23:10I don't remember Sean.
23:11Really?
23:12OK.
23:13Now, tell me about this thing.
23:14What's it called?
23:15It's called a theory board.
23:16Never heard of a theory board in my life.
23:18Yeah, well, that's because you're old.
23:19So it's...
23:20She's right.
23:23I'm sorry.
23:24All right, no, so what sort of thing is this?
23:25It's like a MIDI keyboard.
23:27It's like an interface for the computer.
23:28And what's a MIDI keyboard?
23:29I don't really know.
23:30It's like an interface for music for the computer.
23:32Excuse me.
23:32John, what's a MIDI keyboard?
23:34It's like an interface for music.
23:37Is it a kind of predictive text for chords and things like that?
23:44Is that what it works?
23:45Yes, actually.
23:46Yes, it is.
23:46So it's for production of music.
23:51It's not about me.
23:52So it's like a...
23:54It's for producing music.
23:55So I've got a very easily distractible brain,
23:58and I find it really hard to write.
24:00Like, when I'm writing shows and when I was writing my book and all that,
24:02it was like I could get easily distracted,
24:05and I'd go, oh, no, I'm going to get writer's block.
24:07And I listened to this podcast once that said that
24:10we always think that creativity comes in waves of motivation,
24:13and it doesn't.
24:14It's a muscle like anything else you need to...
24:16I did not know that.
24:17Yeah.
24:18You can train your brain to be creative,
24:20and so when you're really, really stuck,
24:22the best thing to do is to consume creativity
24:24and to learn something that is so far out of your normal world
24:27that it starts those synapses firing.
24:30And so I got into making music on my phone on GarageBand.
24:35Can you actually play...
24:36Can you play an instrument, though?
24:37I can sort of play the piano, but that's about it.
24:40Right.
24:41I have a very basic understanding of music theory
24:43because my mum played the piano when we were growing up,
24:46so she taught all of us.
24:47You grew up with a piano in the house?
24:48Yes.
24:49Yes, we did.
24:49And your mother plays?
24:51Yeah, she plays very well.
24:52Do you have siblings?
24:53Yes, I've got three older brothers.
24:54Do they play anything?
24:55My oldest brother is a proper musical genius,
24:58like just one of those, like, prodigies,
25:00can pick up anything and just play it.
25:02You don't have that ability?
25:04No, I don't.
25:05Hence why I got this theory board.
25:07So I have this basic understanding of music,
25:10but I get too confused too easily.
25:13I can't remember everything.
25:14So I was watching a whole bunch of YouTube videos about production
25:18and people taking weird samples of things
25:20and trying to turn them into songs, you know?
25:23And I just thought if I could see patterns in music,
25:26like I just understood how complex it was
25:28and how, you know, we kind of go,
25:29oh, well, music's really gone to shit, you know?
25:33What about real music?
25:34And you're like, man, this stuff's really hard
25:36because you're taking things, you're cutting them down,
25:39you're spinning them backwards and piecing stuff.
25:41It's like art.
25:42It's like the painting version.
25:43Like a collage?
25:44Yeah.
25:45That's actually the perfect way.
25:47I think it's like a collage.
25:50It's not about me.
25:52And so I wanted to learn,
25:54but I kept on getting confused over which chords were which.
25:57And so I found this thing.
25:58It's called a theory board.
25:59And it was a crowdfunded project
26:01where they were trying to get people
26:03who weren't great at music theory.
26:05So this is not available in the shops?
26:07You can't buy it?
26:07No.
26:08So I told my family for my 30th birthday
26:10that I have, like, all I want for my birthday or Christmas.
26:13I just, it's really expensive.
26:15It's from the US.
26:16How much?
26:17I think it was like 600 or 700 bucks.
26:19That's a lot of money.
26:20Yeah, it's a lot of money.
26:21I don't have to.
26:22Yeah, yeah.
26:23That's good.
26:24That's a lovely present.
26:25Well, that's...
26:26Because I bet did they split it over Christmas
26:29and your birthday.
26:30That's a dream.
26:32But I, um,
26:33but it was such a big deal for me to ask
26:35because I knew it was a lot of money
26:36and they all got together
26:37and they all split it across them
26:39to get me this.
26:40And it was so lovely
26:41because it was from this crowdfunded thing.
26:44Like, I don't think it was that easy to get a hold of.
26:45And so the gesture of it meant a lot
26:47and I have, like, just spent days
26:50when I'm really lost in other things
26:52or feeling overwhelmed
26:53just focusing on, like,
26:56just putting together little songs.
26:58Right.
26:58You're tricking these muscles
26:59that you've been talking about,
27:00giving them a bit of a rest,
27:02and then you turn around and say,
27:03well, it's your turn.
27:04Let's write something.
27:05Yes.
27:05Can you play us something?
27:06I mean, sure.
27:07I don't really...
27:08It's more like...
27:10Because the way that it works, right,
27:11is you have a program on the computer.
27:12Producing's more about the program,
27:14which I suck at computers,
27:15so I'm not very good at it.
27:16So you can't play a musical instrument
27:17and you're no good at computers.
27:18No.
27:19No, look, I'm not good at most things,
27:20if I'm honest about it,
27:21but, um...
27:22So...
27:23So what it does, right?
27:25Luke, did you want to check
27:26whether there's any psychokinetic energy?
27:29Because of the PlayStation thing.
27:32It's clean.
27:33It's clean.
27:34It is weird,
27:36because my mum actually sold this murderer's house.
27:41So what it does
27:42is these are all single notes,
27:44and they're sort of done in...
27:47..in octaves.
27:50And then on this side...
27:51Yes.
27:52..it pre-programs in all of the notes
27:54play at the same time for that.
27:55OK, so if you pick a note then,
27:57the chords are suggested
27:58that would likely follow that particular...
28:00Yeah, pretty much.
28:00So at the moment,
28:01I've set it on the major G chord,
28:04and so when I press this,
28:05it's saying that's G.
28:06That's happy.
28:07That sounds like a Christmas song.
28:09Already.
28:09Yes, let's go...
28:12Oh, D minor.
28:13Oh, it's getting a bit minor,
28:13a bit sad now.
28:14A bit sad.
28:15Oh, no, I'm depressed.
28:16Oh, A diminished.
28:19Oh, I...
28:20Why...
28:20I have hope.
28:23Now I'm...
28:24I'm confused now.
28:26I don't know what to feel.
28:26You know what?
28:26I'm just going to change it up here
28:28and see if this gets any happier.
28:29Be careful.
28:30One of them could be the brown note.
28:32Yeah.
28:35Oh, what is wrong with that?
28:41I mean, I don't know enough about music.
28:43You clearly know nothing about music.
28:45I want to ask John.
28:46John, is this the way of the future, do you think?
28:49Well, I certainly hope not.
28:50What would you give that performance out of 10?
28:54Oh, me?
28:55I love...
28:55A good sort of nine for originality.
28:58Thank you so much.
28:59That's nice.
29:00That's a great score.
29:01Wow.
29:01Congratulations.
29:02Wow.
29:03It's better than our repot.
29:04I mostly talked about going to the toilet.
29:06Yeah.
29:07Speaking of going to the toilet,
29:08let's move on to your second item here.
29:11This is...
29:12This is...
29:12What is this again?
29:13This is called a gluggle jug.
29:14OK, gluggle jug.
29:15What kind of thing is that?
29:16It's a jug that goes gluggle.
29:18OK.
29:19And you pour water out of it.
29:20That's nice.
29:21You're not using it as a jug, though.
29:22You're using it as a vase.
29:23I am using it as a vase.
29:24Where is this in your home?
29:25This is actually at my partner's home.
29:27Right at the beginning of our relationship,
29:29we got addicted to this show called
29:31The Great Pottery Throwdown.
29:33Has anybody seen it?
29:34Has anybody seen The Great Pottery Throwdown?
29:37Nobody has.
29:37No.
29:40That's all right.
29:41But it involves making pots, I'm assuming.
29:43Pottery, yeah.
29:43But there's this guy on it, the judge,
29:45and he cries in, like, every episode
29:48because he's like,
29:49there's just so much love in this pot.
29:51And it's...
29:52When you got this, did you weep?
29:55I actually did.
29:56I cried a lot when I got this.
29:56How did you get this?
29:57We were watching this show together
29:59and they had this week
30:00where the challenge was to make a gluggle jug.
30:03And we just thought it was so funny.
30:04What is a gluggle jug?
30:05And the way that they tested...
30:07The judges tested it was to see if it gluggled.
30:10And they're like,
30:10oh, that's got a good gluggle.
30:12And we just thought it was the silliest thing ever.
30:15And so it became this, like, inside joke for us.
30:18So we'd been talking for ages about,
30:20oh, we should get one.
30:21And then I completely forgot about it.
30:22And then on Valentine's Day,
30:23our first Valentine's Day together,
30:25she got me this gluggle jug.
30:26That's lovely.
30:27Valentine's Day, which, of course,
30:28commemorates the famous massacre in 1925 in Chicago.
30:32Given the beautiful music you played on this earlier,
30:35I would like to hear the beautiful glugging of this.
30:37Would you like to hear this judge make a noise?
30:41All right, you grab that.
30:43I'll just...
30:43I'll chuck that down.
30:46Is this stuck there?
30:48No, it's not.
30:49Oh, it's got water in it.
30:50Yeah, yeah.
30:51Well, it's got to make a noise.
30:52You've got to put water in it.
30:54Of course.
30:54Yeah.
30:54All right.
30:55Yes, Luke?
30:56Sorry.
30:56I was going to say,
30:56you could have put that water in the jug.
30:57Yeah, we need to pour into it,
30:58so I thought we'd pour it into it.
30:59Hang on a sec.
31:00What sort of gluggle?
31:01Is it a convincing gluggle?
31:02Is it a good gluggle?
31:02Have you...
31:03I have no idea.
31:04The whole time we've been going,
31:05what is a gluggle even?
31:07I still don't know.
31:08I don't know if it's gluggles.
31:09Like a fribbit.
31:10Like a...
31:10What a wonderful voyage of discovery
31:13we're going on together, Steph.
31:14All right, here we go.
31:15Everyone quiet.
31:20It's supposed to be now,
31:22when it goes back in.
31:22I think...
31:23Does anybody know anything about gluggle jugs?
31:25Well, one would have thought you might,
31:27but all right, we'll put this back in.
31:29Luke, if you could, off camera,
31:31make the noise of a gluggle jug,
31:33just so we got the end of the segment.
31:35Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
31:39Steph, sizzle, that's fantastic.
31:40What a lovely gift.
31:42What would you, John?
31:43Ella, what would you give that out of ten,
31:45that beautiful noise?
31:46Oh, the sound effect is a good 8.73.
31:49That's great.
31:50That's great.
31:50That's great.
31:51I thoroughly enjoyed that.
31:52I also think we had one of those jugs at home growing up.
31:56I have a memory.
31:57Also used it as a vase, never gluggled it.
31:59I mean, they are truly weird.
32:00It's just a fish-shaped jug.
32:02How much does that cost?
32:04Yeah, I had no idea.
32:05I didn't get it.
32:06Why is it shaped like a fish?
32:07Because normally fish are in water
32:09rather than having water in them.
32:10No, I have no idea.
32:12Everything about it is strange,
32:14but there was one factory in the UK that did them, right?
32:19And so when you have an authentic one,
32:20this obviously isn't authentic,
32:21and I will be speaking to Jessie about that.
32:23Yeah, no, absolutely.
32:24I'd break up with her.
32:24Yeah, yeah, I might.
32:25I think I'm going to break up with her.
32:27I'll get that up there.
32:27So then this factory shut down
32:30because nobody was buying gluggled jugs,
32:32and then there was like randomly like a huge rise
32:34in like supporting this particular ceramic thing,
32:37and then somebody bought it
32:39because they had these beautiful memories of gluggled jugs,
32:41and there was a little resurgence of gluggled jugs.
32:44Yeah, but on the strength of what you said
32:45and what Ella said, gluggled jugs are just shit.
32:48It means something to you.
32:52But the vase...
32:52The vase is beautiful.
32:53For some reason,
32:54it feels very representative of our relationship,
32:56so we could not be more different.
32:58Like we are proper opposites attract kind, right?
33:01She's quiet.
33:02She works in a bookshop.
33:03She sometimes goes in a bookshop with skates on.
33:05Like she's literally the cutest little girl next door,
33:07and I'm like...
33:08Like, dickhead, you know?
33:11And...
33:11Sorry.
33:12That's all right.
33:14That's all right.
33:15But you don't live together, are you?
33:16No, no, but we're going to move in together.
33:18So we have really different tastes in, like,
33:21you know, what looks good in the home.
33:24You want that?
33:25Yeah, I want that.
33:26And she's like, no, I want to have some class,
33:28but for some reason...
33:29LAUGHTER
33:30For some reason, we both love this,
33:34and it's just like this thing that it just...
33:37While we were getting close, we were watching this show,
33:40and, you know, it kind of started with a little arm around the shoulder.
33:42You know what I mean?
33:43And it's just somehow really representative of this way that...
33:47something that doesn't really make any sense.
33:48You and your partner are this fish.
33:50We are the grocery store.
33:51You're hugging...
33:51It's the fish is hugging itself.
33:52Yes, that's right.
33:53And I think that's a very beautiful thing.
33:55Yeah, yeah, I made it sweet.
33:56It's also choking to death on flowers.
33:58I don't know.
34:00LAUGHTER
34:01Sure, but they're flowers.
34:03They're beautiful roses,
34:04and that reminds us of Valentine's Day.
34:06Yeah, it does.
34:07That's right.
34:08You behave yourself,
34:09or I'll get Steph to play some more on this.
34:11LAUGHTER
34:12You know what?
34:14Let me help this situation out.
34:15Thank you very much, indeed.
34:16Let's play together, you and I.
34:19John, Ella.
34:20You can scat, Ella.
34:21John, just play one of your life.
34:23Here we go.
34:23A one, two, and a one, two, three.
34:24MUSIC PLAYS
34:26What a beautiful deliration of the human spirit.
34:35Would you please name Steph Tisdall, ladies and gentlemen.
34:40Merry Christmas.
34:42Now, that sounds like that's the end of the show,
34:44but unfortunately, Christmas is a time for giving,
34:47and our guests feel obliged to leave one of their items behind
34:50as a present for their house guests.
34:52And so you're only going to rescue one of your two chosen items.
34:56Luke...
34:56I would like to give away Steph's jug.
34:59LAUGHTER
34:59Well, I did leave it open-ended.
35:04You're giving away Steph's jug.
35:05Steph, which of Luke McGregor's things would you like to...
35:09No, you can have them both.
35:11LAUGHTER
35:12All right, well, OK.
35:14You can say which one you want to keep,
35:16because you're looking sad.
35:17Don't do that, I'm just going to...
35:18Which one do you want to save?
35:19Which one do you want to give away?
35:21I mean, I can re-buy this,
35:22but I'll still keep the PK meter.
35:23LAUGHTER
35:24You're going to give away this,
35:26the beautiful Michaela VHS.
35:29It's not a very good movie.
35:30OK.
35:31That's OK.
35:32And, Steph, if you had the choice between your two items,
35:34which one would you leave behind?
35:35I know it's hard.
35:36It's really hard,
35:36because this feels like it's really representative of my family.
35:39Yeah, they loved you so much,
35:40they pitched in and spent, you know,
35:42quite a bit of money on this.
35:42Yeah, but this is for my girlfriend and I,
35:45and we're going to move in together soon
35:46and, you know, maybe have babies.
35:48So this is on TV, you know?
35:51Yeah.
35:51And so my family's going to be like,
35:53you bitch,
35:53and my girlfriend's going to be like,
35:55you bitch.
35:55Yeah, but that's only if they're watching.
35:58That's true.
35:59It's the ABC.
36:00That is true.
36:02That is true.
36:02So which one really could you do without,
36:04I suppose, is the way to look at it?
36:06I could probably do without the Glugwell Jog.
36:08Oh, God.
36:09She's going to kill you.
36:10No, no, he's not.
36:12But fortunately, Steph,
36:14fortunately there is a Christmas miracle in the offing,
36:17and John Foreman and Ella Hooper
36:18happen to be passing by
36:19and can rescue one of the left-behind items.
36:22John and Ella,
36:23which item would you save of the two?
36:25We think we'll save the vase.
36:26We'll save the Glugwell Jog.
36:27Yeah.
36:28Okay, right.
36:28Well, the video's going then.
36:30Now, usually that would mean
36:32we destroy the video in some outlandish fashion,
36:35but in keeping with the Christmas spirit,
36:36we'll instead be sprinkling magic snowflakes
36:39from Santa's North Pole workshop over it
36:41to destroy it instead.
36:43Okay, this is a special effect
36:45we're going to do in post.
36:47It's going to take a week to do,
36:49so you've got to act.
36:49You're both actors.
36:50You both get...
36:51That's great, Steph.
36:52That's fantastic.
36:53I felt it, yeah.
36:56Luke, you're not going to get another series
36:59that was cheerleader
37:00if that's the level of your acting.
37:02Okay, well, here we go.
37:03Look at that.
37:03It's permafrost.
37:04Isn't that amazing?
37:05Wow.
37:05That's very expensive.
37:07I'm so sorry.
37:08It's fine.
37:08It's magic.
37:12Please thank our guests,
37:13Steph Tisdall and Luke McGregor,
37:14ladies and gentlemen.
37:17The very talented John Foreman,
37:18we thank you so much, John,
37:20for taking the time.
37:21So I've just realised it's Christmas Eve,
37:23I've got a more important gig to get to.
37:25I'm sorry.
37:27Thank you, John.
37:28We must also thank the wonderful Ella Hooper.
37:30Ella, thank you.
37:31See you.
37:32Yep.
37:32Okay.
37:33She's going.
37:35Until next time,
37:36if there is one,
37:37keep yourself safe and your stuff safer.
37:39We're next.
37:39Yes, we are on the Christmas Eve of destruction.
37:47Children laughing,
37:48parents snoring,
37:49too much noise on Christmas morning.
37:52Christmas carols never bore us.
37:56Even ones without that chorus.
37:58Yes, we are on the Christmas Eve of destruction.
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