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00:00Tubeless, Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages, Neen and Missy Middle Ages
00:03Gory Stories, we do that, and your host a Talking Rats
00:08The past is no longer a mystery, welcome to Horrible Histories
00:15Horrible Histories presents Barbie Battles Special
00:21Is the coast clear?
00:26Oh, that looked nasty
00:29My brothers and sisters and I are in the middle of an epic battle
00:32One of our classic ratty pillow fights
00:35Ah, incoming!
00:37It all started when my sisters invaded my brother's bedroom
00:42That's how real wars sometimes start too
00:44One nation invades another country and tries to take it over
00:48Of course, some of history's invasions went better than others
00:51Chuck!
00:55It started with the Spanish Armada
00:58That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English
01:01I think we made them mad
01:03It did
01:04It made them so mad
01:06It led to
01:07The lesser known Armada
01:09Try and invade us, will you, Spain?
01:12Right now, it's pink time
01:15So, Francis Drake
01:17Your march?
01:19Unleash
01:19The English Armada
01:22Led by Francis Drake aboard his ship, Revenge
01:34180 ships, tens of thousands of soldiers
01:38We shall destroy the Spanish fleet
01:40Attack!
01:41No fleet could match them
01:44Wait!
01:44Instead of their fleet of ships, let's attack the Spanish city of Coruña
01:51But attacking a well-defended city instead of a fleet might not go as well
01:57I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet
01:58Hmm
01:59Okay, might take a bit longer than I thought
02:03Longer?
02:05The winds are blowing in the wrong direction
02:07The men are dying of salvation and sickness
02:09What are you complaining about?
02:10We've still got 5,000 men
02:12Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men
02:14That's not ideal
02:16The English Armada
02:18The one you've maybe not heard of
02:21And coming soon
02:23You know, the English Armada
02:25We sent against the Spanish
02:26Because of the Spanish Armada they sent against us
02:28Well, I think they may be planning revenge
02:30No!
02:32Yes
02:32Another Spanish Armada
02:35The Spanish Armada 2
02:37Armada Harder
02:40I'm beginning to think Armadas might be overrated
02:43Yeah
02:44Me and my brothers are losing the battle
02:47So we've turned our bedrooms into a fort
02:49We've built barriers at every entrance
02:51So our sisters can't attack us
02:53We are totally safe
02:56Battles are hard
02:59And it's not just the landscapes that are a problem
03:02Take it down, you lot
03:04Sorry, Mum
03:05Sometimes the people are the problem
03:07William the Conqueror found that out
03:09After he killed King Harold at the Battle of Hastings
03:12He came up against a particularly tricky opponent
03:16Harold's mum
03:18Oof
03:19Hello!
03:24I am King William of England
03:27I know you're in there
03:30We're not scared of you, William
03:32Guys, seriously
03:34I am not okay about this rebellion
03:37I just conquered you
03:39I'm so peeved
03:40I literally just poked this guy's eyes out
03:43There was a whole battle near Hastings, remember?
03:46My rival, King Harold
03:48And all his brothers were killed or captured
03:51I mean, there is literally
03:53There is literally no one else from the royal family
03:56Left to lead you
03:58Move it, sunshine
04:01Cooey!
04:06Oh, for crying out loud
04:08Look who it is
04:08Yeah, what if you hadn't have poked my eyes out?
04:10Oh, sorry
04:11It's the old King Harold's mum, Geetha
04:13Oh?
04:14Yeah
04:15You forgot about mummy, didn't you?
04:20Look, it would be better for everybody
04:23If we ended all this rivalry
04:25And you just surrendered
04:27So
04:28What do you say?
04:32Why's it all gone quiet?
04:33Hang on
04:33Something's happening
04:34Oh, I think he's getting his bum out
04:37Oh, yeah
04:38But why?
04:40Don't worry about it, Your Majesty
04:41Everyone does it when they get nervous
04:43That wasn't me
04:44It was them
04:45Oh, sure it was
04:46That's our answer
04:50The sound of a mother's rage
04:56And by the smell of it
05:00Cabbage
05:03Oh, God, that is strong
05:06Maybe you should go and change your chain mail
05:09It wasn't me
05:10Do you want me to poke something else out?
05:12Yeah, can you start with my nose?
05:13Hit him again
05:16I know you have them surrounded
05:19But maybe it's time we were treated
05:20Yeah, it stinks
05:22That's right
05:24Fear our power
05:27And smell it too
05:30Oh, I could smell that one from France
05:34We'll be back
05:34Right, that's enough
05:37It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain
05:45Roma, as a new emperor
05:47Determined to finish the job
05:49It's gonna take one tough toga wearer
05:51To risk everything in this hellhole
05:54I'm Emperor Claudius
05:55I'm Emperor Claudius
05:55And this is extreme survival
05:58Step one, defense
06:00You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids
06:05Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge
06:08You're going to need protection
06:09And you're going to need it fast
06:11Look around you
06:12What do you see?
06:14Nothing but trees and dirt
06:15But trees and dirt
06:17With training and basic tools
06:19Can become a fortress
06:20A fortress can keep you alive
06:22When everybody around you
06:24Wants you dead
06:25But what I like to do is
06:27Stay 900 miles away in a row
06:30And let my general Paulinus
06:31And the army
06:32Do the hard work
06:34When you're faced with that
06:36Being somewhere completely different
06:38Is a very effective way of staying alive
06:41Step two, stop rebellions
06:44You've finally arrived in Great Britain
06:46Because the war has already been won
06:47But now you have to win at a peace
06:49And these locals will rebel
06:51At the drop of a helmet
06:52You need to be prepared
06:53And that means using what's around you
06:55Look around you, what do you see?
06:57A stone can be used as a missile
06:59And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night
07:03Staying well lit and armed
07:05Is vitally important in a hostile situation
07:07But what I like to do is
07:09Bring an elephant
07:10It's unlikely the locals will have seen an elephant
07:14What's around they'll say?
07:16And I'll say, that's an elephant
07:18And they'll say, cool
07:19I've never seen one of those
07:20Let's not rebel
07:21Probably
07:22Who cares?
07:23I've got an elephant
07:24I love it when they do that
07:26Extreme elephant
07:28Step three
07:30Conquer more of the island
07:31So you're safer from attack
07:33You've secured the southeast
07:35But it's going to take years
07:37To spread your rule
07:38Across this new and dangerous island
07:39You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you
07:43But what I like to do is
07:45Go home
07:46After sixteen days
07:47Let the army do the rest
07:49Going home to Rome
07:50Seriously reduces your chances
07:52Of being killed abroad
07:53And that's
07:54Extreme survival
07:56Let's bounce
07:58I forgot my elephant
08:04Now, Jim
08:07In precisely one minute's time
08:10We're going to march
08:11As British soldiers
08:12Fighting for the East India Company
08:14Into battle
08:15At Syringapatta
08:16How do you like that?
08:17Any chance we can do it tomorrow, Colonel?
08:18No, we cannot do it tomorrow
08:21We're doing it today
08:22Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir?
08:25I think my hat has caught my head
08:26No, we cannot talk in the shade
08:28A British soldier stands where he must
08:31Be that under fire
08:32In the ice
08:33Or in the sun
08:35Is that understood?
08:36He must be very strong
08:40I think their leader just killed a man with his finger
08:42Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?
08:48You're to march into someone else's country
08:49Killing anyone who resists
08:51At least you can do is dress appropriately
08:53We're struggling with the sun, sir
08:55I mean, we all are
08:56We're not used to it
08:56All the fevers
08:57All the water
08:58All the food
08:59Sorry, I've got a dysentery, sir
09:02That was a close one
09:05I don't care
09:06If it's a bit hot
09:08I don't care
09:09If you've got a runny bottom
09:11I don't care
09:13If anyone's got a little bit of fever
09:16Lemons
09:16Badgers
09:17Soup fairies
09:19That's just fever
09:19He's seeing things
09:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, wow
09:22I promise I'm trying to keep them in
09:24Can you hear gunfire?
09:27I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs
09:29They can't handle food with flavour
09:31It goes straight through them
09:32It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us
09:35When they finally leave
09:37It is going to take an age to clean up after them
09:39And to rebuild all the cities they burned
09:41You lot are a disgrace
09:43Now, you need to be ready to march
09:45March?
09:46I am standing dead still and flexing my bum
09:48If I march
09:50There's going to be carnage
09:52Perhaps you'd like to be excused from battle today
09:55You shower of toilets
09:59The British Empire covers one sixth of the world's land
10:03The British soldiers are feared around the globe
10:05Do you really think a bit of heat gut churning is going to stop us?
10:10Oooh
10:10That might slow us down, actually
10:13Whoa
10:13Get any new uniform?
10:18I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys
10:20They'll go eventually
10:22They'll have to
10:23They'll run out of underwear
10:24We all know the first rule of pillow fights. Pillows only.
10:31But if we're going to defeat my sisters, I'm going to have to get a bit more creative.
10:35So, I've emptied the feathers out of this one and put my mate, Freddy the Frog, inside.
10:40Ratilda's scared of frogs.
10:43Unfortunately, Freddy's scared of Ratilda too.
10:48Come on, she's not that scary.
10:50I guess new weapons for battle are bound to have teething problems.
10:54Just ask this lot.
10:58Sire, I think you'll be impressed.
11:01I've invented a new weapon that will revolutionize hunting.
11:04Oh, exciting.
11:05I started with a small, sharpened piece of bone.
11:08But that is tiny. We'll never catch a line with this.
11:11Look. Did that hurt?
11:14Well, a little bit. No, it didn't.
11:16Okay, but I hadn't finished.
11:17You see, next, I glued it to the end of a piece of wood.
11:20Ah, you're wasting your time.
11:22Look, this is the smallest spear I've ever seen.
11:24We'll never catch a vicious piece with this child's toy.
11:26Look.
11:27Did that hurt?
11:29It hurt quite a lot, actually.
11:30No, again.
11:31What if I said I could hurl this tiny spear a vast distance and hit a target using this?
11:36Interesting.
11:37Let me have a go.
11:39Hmm.
11:40Ah, useless.
11:41This will never catch a leopard.
11:42I wouldn't be so sure.
11:43Ah.
11:44Watch me, sire.
11:45Ooh, impressive.
11:46So hold it like this.
11:47Right.
11:48Ow!
11:49Sire!
11:50I would have hit the target if he didn't get in the way.
11:51Let me have another go.
11:52Ah, I think I'll stand over here.
11:54Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
11:55Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
11:56So hold it like this.
11:57Right.
11:58Ow!
11:59Oh, sire!
12:00I would have hit the target if he didn't get in the way.
12:03Let me have another go.
12:04Ah, I think I'll stand over here.
12:07Ah, ah, ah.
12:08Okay, this is the one.
12:09Fire.
12:10Oh!
12:11Oh!
12:12It's broken.
12:13Ah!
12:14Try again, but round the other way.
12:15The other way, oh, yes.
12:16Okay.
12:17Run away.
12:18This way.
12:19Run away.
12:20Oh.
12:21Where is it?
12:22Ah, ah, ah, it's there.
12:23I mean the ball round the other way.
12:25Yes.
12:26Oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:28No, no, no, no, no!
12:29I'm getting out of here!
12:31Look, it's bound to take a bit of getting used to.
12:36A bit!
12:37I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of this now.
12:39Oh.
12:40Oh, oh.
12:41Look, it's bound to take a bit of getting used to it.
12:43A bit.
12:44now you have invented a tool that can fire small spears I call it a bow and
12:58arrow the bow and arrow actually the other way but what it doesn't matter
13:14in a private place sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face
13:19and bum and bad you're done I will try surpending if you did a two or one
13:24Lou Man
13:26Greetings friend
13:33Who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat?
13:36I am Lou Man, the living laboratory and you look like a man who needs the little U-boat's captain's room
13:43yes I do well then I would like to apply for the jubbies we have a toilet and
13:50meetings engineers are now engineer yeah flashing supposed to it is very
13:54complex but only a specially trained person can do it I'm intrigued it is ready for
14:02you captain oh thank goodness
14:05tell me mine find do you call them for captain's logs sorry Lou Man a pleasure to meet a fellow
14:18professional oh yes I'd give it food if I were you you may flush when ready engineer
14:28hey hey captain oh goodness yeah my setup's a lot simpler than yours if you want me to take you through it
14:38ah nein danke please do not disturb me I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right order otherwise this seawater will flood into the vessel
14:49okay yeah cool
14:50I'm out of interest how many buckets worth of bum blackwurst is this baby store well actually this
14:58sub does not store its poop instead we fire turd beagles into the ocean with compressed air
15:04oh love it hello what's happened has he done a floater
15:10oh no I've implemented the wrong sequence the toilet is filling up with sea walls and the captain's logs oh you do call them the captain's logs in
15:17captain captain the toilet switch has leaked into the ship's batteries and the sap is filling with poisonous gas we must surface an abandoned ship
15:24abandon ship code brown
15:27abandon ship abandon ship
15:29abandon ship
15:32do you need to bucket
15:37well dr skinner we're hoping you've come up with something that will help us to defeat the nazis
15:41gentlemen I believe I have a massive advance in missile accuracy piloted missiles pilot
15:50but who would be stupid enough to pilot a missile that was going to explode
15:54gentlemen meet your new pilot
16:04you want a pigeon to fly the bomb
16:07of course not
16:10I want three pigeons to fly the bomb
16:12gentlemen
16:13each pigeon
16:14harnessed inside the missile
16:15has been trained to peck
16:17at the target
16:18when they see it
16:19this pecking
16:20transmits a signal
16:21via the bird's beak
16:22which controls
16:23the bomb's tail fins
16:24and directs it
16:26towards the target
16:27oh nein
16:28you've destroyed my nazi battleship
16:30who'd have suspected a pigeon
16:33oh somebody give skinner a promotion
16:36are we being pranked
16:38do you want us to entrust the war to birds
16:41these are no ordinary birds sir
16:43my pigeons are graduates of the skinner school of aviation
16:47you created a flying school for pigeons
16:49well they're not going to train themselves are they
16:52who is this guy
16:53let me show you something
16:55what are you doing
16:58a demonstration sir
17:00each pigeon has been trained to ignore the distractions of war
17:04my eyes
17:07my eyes
17:08see it didn't even flinch
17:10thank you dr skinner
17:11we have heard enough
17:13i'm sorry to disappoint you but it's a terrible idea
17:15i'm sure implementing your pigeon plan would have been a real coup
17:20and i don't want you to get in a flat
17:22but it's time for you and your pigeons to take off
17:27hey where'd that pigeon go
17:30i told you they were trained to hit enemy targets
17:36being in a battle is exhausting
17:41thankfully mummus has brought me a cheese sandwich to keep me going
17:44i think she might be supplying the enemy to you
17:47girls sandwiches are ready
17:49pick your side mummus
17:51i shouldn't be surprised though
17:53mums have been helping their children in battle throughout history
17:56although i'm glad my mum isn't a spartan one
18:00spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world
18:04the only thing tougher than them
18:07come on you maggots
18:09are their mums
18:10get up
18:11sit up
18:12this is spartan mums
18:14are you tough enough
18:16come on
18:17tell me something
18:19do you want to be in the spartan army
18:22yes mummy
18:23yes mummy
18:24what did you say
18:25yes mummy
18:26drop down and give me 300
18:27mm-hmm
18:28they're good boys
18:29but they need to grow a spine
18:30i mean they're spartans
18:32they need to learn to be as tough as their mothers
18:34and believe me
18:35we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as spartans
18:38can i get up now
18:39did i say you could speak
18:41sorry mummy
18:42i meant to send you pathetic babies out to fight for us
18:45do you want to go to battle
18:47or will you come running home to your mummy
18:49no mummy
18:50no mummy
18:51a coward
18:52i should have left you outside on the hill like your other brother
18:55what other brother
18:57exactly
18:59what mummy wants
19:01mummy gets
19:02or you die
19:04attention
19:05let me look at you
19:07oh you don't want us to get naked again do you
19:09that is the best way to assess your physical fitness
19:12but no
19:13not this time
19:14oh
19:15that's a shame
19:16i've been working on my abs
19:18ow
19:19yeah
19:20shields
19:21these are your shields
19:25you carry them into battle
19:27you return with them
19:29or on them
19:30oh like a sledge
19:31no like a stretcher
19:33dead dummy
19:34shame about the sledge
19:36that sounded fun
19:37oh
19:39oh i weed
19:40i weed
19:41i'm sorry mummy
19:42no can't do this
19:44you are a disgrace
19:46you are a disgrace
19:47fool
19:48the three grueling weeks are over
19:50and this
19:51is the end
19:52of the beginning of their training
19:54which will last for many years to come
19:57i want my mummy
19:59oh mummy
20:00walchadamas
20:01i know
20:02drop i give you three hundred
20:03one
20:04two
20:05two
20:06two and a half
20:07oh it hurts mummy
20:08even count me that one
20:09dearest edward
20:12mummy here
20:13i do hope this letter finds you well
20:16despite this silly civil war
20:19not much to report from here at home
20:22apart from missing you and daddy of course
20:25i do feel so safe with our own soldiers here to protect you
20:28lady holly
20:29siege
20:30siege
20:31siege
20:32we're under attack
20:33carry our positions men
20:34we will not let our home bowl defend her at all
20:37must
20:39i do hope you are looking after daddy
20:42i'm so proud of you both
20:44for defending our puritan values against the royalist scum
20:49as some mean people like to call them
20:52the bells
20:53the bells
20:54they're taking the bells
20:55not on my watch
20:56hit them with everything we've got
20:58oh i've been hit
21:03oh cake
21:05i was going to send you a cake to make you think of her but
21:11eat musket balls losers
21:26i prefer the cake
21:28they seem to have run out of cake
21:30love
21:31and snuggles
21:32mummy
21:34we did it
21:35we did it
21:36we did it
21:37they're retreating
21:38who's the mummy
21:39it's me
21:40it's me
21:41right
21:42be a laugh and sneak this past the enemy would you
21:45move move move move
21:47i don't know how long we can keep this battle going
21:53i'm exhausted
21:54also we're running out of pillows
21:56we've only got three left
21:58we've only got two left
22:01luckily people in history have had all sorts of inventive ways to stop war and find peace
22:07and one of the more surprising ways is marriage
22:12that one was my favorite
22:14they say there is a wafer thin line between love and hate
22:21so is it any wonder that when two warring rivals look for peace it is l'amour that shows the way
22:28pharaoh ramesses the second is looking for love
22:33or an end to war
22:35one of the two
22:36i hope i like her
22:37i hope my wives like her as well
22:39hey
22:40do people normally bring their wives on dates
22:42serious question
22:43you don't mind do you
22:45yeah she don't mind
22:47okay
22:48his date is the eldest daughter of the king of the hittites
22:53you must be ramesses the second my name is
22:56my name is
22:57i don't care what your name is
22:58imma call you
22:59mafona for ra
23:00it means
23:01she
23:02who beholds the falcon
23:03that is the visible splendour
23:06of ra
23:07yeah right i'm with you with names innit
23:09is he allowed to do that
23:11i mean i know he's a pharaoh and i've heard he can do whatever he likes
23:14but is he literally allowed to change my name
23:16things are off to a bad start because while ramesses is pharaoh of the upper nile
23:20he's on this occasion also king of the utter vile
23:24you need some oil babes
23:26no thanks babe
23:27apologies my bad
23:28you need some oil babes
23:30huh
23:31no
23:32stop that
23:33what are you doing
23:34the oil is there to banish the netherworld and keep you safe from evil
23:37you're welcome
23:38i know that ditch in this state could restart a war between our kingdoms
23:41but right now that seems like a price worth paying
23:44hey hey hey look look look
23:45we both know that our marriage is just there to keep the peace
23:49yeah
23:50but look
23:51let's just put all of that aside yeah
23:53let's just talk about our hopes and our dreams
23:57i'd like that
23:58so how much am i getting
23:59huh
24:00think of world peace think of world peace
24:02it's called a dowry
24:04the dad has to give me a load of stuff when i marry her
24:06oh it's a standard thing at regular weddings
24:09let alone ones being arranged to end a war
24:11ain't that right
24:12i got bear coins off of these love
24:14so i get the gold yeah
24:16the silver
24:17the slaves
24:18the horses
24:19and the cows
24:20is that all
24:21and me of course
24:22ha ha ha
24:23yeah of course
24:24ha ha ha
24:25how can i forget that
24:26that's mad
24:27i'm gonna put you down under the horses
24:29and they say romance is dead
24:31so do you think you'll see each other again
24:33sure
24:34i mean
24:35we'll have to innit
24:36ha ha ha
24:37if we don't get married
24:38then the war between our rival kingdoms
24:40may well start up again
24:42right i ain't got no choice
24:43the words every brad longs to hear
24:45don't worry babes
24:46we'll look after you
24:47there you go
24:48wives
24:49let's go
24:50you need to learn something
24:51oh
24:52oh
24:53just ignore him
24:54you do
24:55yeah i'll catch you back at the palace
24:57yeah
24:58yeah
24:59you know
25:00i might have to be back next week
25:01cause five wives ain't enough
25:02you know what i mean
25:03ah
25:04you know what i'm saying
25:09the dust has settled on our final battle
25:12we all decided to put aside the pillows of war
25:15and lead a peaceful life
25:17because dad has said if we didn't he'd sell the telly
25:20yes
25:21war is never the answer
25:23unless the question is
25:24this three letter word
25:25beginning with w
25:26english civil
25:27what
25:28of course
25:29in the english civil war
25:30oliver cromwell's motto was peace through war
25:33but my dad says that's nonsense
25:35and he might be right
25:37things didn't work out so well for cromwell
25:39mhm
25:40mhm
25:41mhm
25:42mhm
25:43mhm
25:44mhm
25:45mhm
25:46mhm
25:47mhm
25:48mhm
25:49mhm
25:50mhm
25:51mhm
25:52mhm
25:53mhm
25:54mhm
25:55mhm
25:56mhm
25:57mhm
25:58mhm
25:59mhm
26:00mhm
26:01mhm
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26:45stepping up to the plate. It was a tough act to follow the Great Dictator. The army forced
26:50me out a year later.
26:51Civil War!
26:53Huh!
26:54What was it good for?
26:57Monarchy diminished.
27:00Civil War!
27:02Huh!
27:03What was it good for?
27:05I thought we were finished.
27:08But all the while I'd been in exile,
27:13banished from my home nation.
27:17Then I got the call,
27:19they'd had enough of war,
27:21and so began the restoration.
27:26I've pardoned crimes from Civil War times.
27:28I'm back.
27:29What's not to lie?
27:30Well, they dug me up, cut me up,
27:33and put my head on a spine!
27:35Civil War!
27:37Huh!
27:38Who was it good for?
27:41Don't get me started.
27:43Civil War!
27:45Huh!
27:46Who was it good for?
27:49Right, now where's the party?
27:51No, no.
27:54No, no.
27:56Fuck.
27:57Don't get me still Có-
28:00Kill theest.
28:00Oh-
28:01brother?
28:02Sean.
28:06Hey, keep going.
28:07What's next?
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