- 5 hours ago
Have I Got News for You - Season 70 Episode 8 -
Richard Ayoade, Richard Osman, Bella Hull
Richard Ayoade, Richard Osman, Bella Hull
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FunTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:33I'm Richard Riuardi.
00:35In the news this week, on a visit to Quick Fit to have his car fixed,
00:39one man finally plucks up the courage to ask the mechanics
00:42the meaning of the hand gesture they keep making at him.
00:50As US tariffs on films are introduced,
00:53Ridley Scott is forced to do his own special effects for Alien 7.
01:00And on a visit to a hospital in Corby,
01:04Wes Streeting denies sticking his foot out.
01:13Hello.
01:20On Ian's team tonight is a writer and comedian who says her latest show
01:24is about the wisdom in the trees.
01:26Where I live, there's not much wisdom in the trees,
01:28but there are a lot of dog poo bags.
01:31Please welcome, Bella Hull.
01:38On Paul's team tonight is a crime writer who says he loves writing about real people.
01:42If you're looking for the perfect setting for a fascinating whodunit,
01:45can I suggest the OBR?
01:47Please welcome, Richard Orson.
01:49APPLAUSE
01:54We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:56Ian and Bella, here's yours.
01:59That's the fiscal drag queen.
02:04Everyone's abandoning her because they hate her new bag.
02:08That's where they put income tax.
02:10What, in those cabinets?
02:12Yeah, in the freezers.
02:13Oh, look, let's look for some growth.
02:17I'm guessing it's the budget.
02:18Yes.
02:19But I think that answer's been leaked.
02:22Right, yes.
02:23Was the budget worth the wait?
02:25Well, none of it really applies...
02:28I should say I don't really have a house.
02:30Mm-hm.
02:31I know all of you have houses.
02:32I know Richard has a house just for games.
02:34So...
02:38It's not really something that applies to me massively,
02:40but I really wish you guys all the best of luck with it.
02:44BBC News was so excited they broadcast on the budget live from a Starbucks.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:53What did Chris Meaton have to say about it?
02:55He's the BBC correspondent.
02:57He's flipping ears.
02:58Yeah.
02:59Do you want to see what he said about it?
03:00Yes.
03:01It's exciting.
03:02Absolutely.
03:03The politics of this, where does this leave her, do you think?
03:04So, two things.
03:05I mean, firstly, it was clear that the Chancellor was absolutely boiling,
03:09I mean, apoplectic about being scooped on her own budget
03:13by the publication of the Office for Budget Responsibility document
03:15before she had the chance to stand up.
03:17In terms of what she said...
03:19Chris, I'm going to have to interrupt you.
03:20LAUGHTER
03:21The right honourable lady.
03:24We've actually got Chris in the studio now to finish that sentence
03:28and we're going to...
03:29No, sorry, we don't have time. Sorry, Chris.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:32We'll have to come to you next week.
03:34So, who actually announced the budget?
03:36Well, the OBR.
03:37And she announced most of what was in it in interviews
03:40for the last six months.
03:42Some of which she did and some of which she didn't.
03:44But the main thing was, she said there'd be no tax rises
03:47and there aren't.
03:48It just means everyone will pay more tax.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51Which is completely different.
03:53Yes.
03:54And that's not breaking a manifesto pledge at all.
03:56So, we're all going to pay a record amount of tax.
03:59Mm-hm.
04:00Unless you don't earn anything and then you won't pay anything.
04:02Yeah.
04:03I'll be fine.
04:04Yes.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06Rachel Reeves didn't exactly announce it.
04:08The details were accidentally published early by the Office
04:11for Budget Responsibility, who have now been rebranded
04:14the Office for Budget Art About Tittery.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18I don't think it was accidental.
04:20Oh, come on.
04:21Didn't you?
04:22Imagine their Instagram must have blown up.
04:23If you've got the budget, you're going to get huge numbers
04:25if you leak that.
04:26Is this how it works?
04:27Yeah.
04:28If you look at the Office of Budget Responsibility Instagram page now,
04:31it's just all of them around the office going,
04:33whoops.
04:34LAUGHTER
04:35That's their thing.
04:36That's their meme.
04:37Tax rises won't come in until 2028-29,
04:40by which time it will be irrelevant,
04:42because we'll all be underwater,
04:44probably being bombed by Putin.
04:45But, fingers crossed, maybe.
04:47Good luck bombing us underwater.
04:49Sunmarines.
04:50Yeah.
04:51Oh, God.
04:52He's thought of everything, hasn't he?
04:53I shouldn't have put that out there,
04:54because he might still be thinking,
04:55how am I going to do this?
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57But, yeah...
04:58Well, the only silver lining is that, fingers crossed,
04:59we might have Farage by then.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03What happened when Rachel Reeves did eventually get to speak?
05:07There was a lot of noise.
05:08Yeah.
05:09A lot of cheering.
05:10Yes.
05:11Do you want to have a look at what happened?
05:12I call the child's love they shatter.
05:14Yeah!
05:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:17Very good.
05:18Quick fire round.
05:19This is open to everyone.
05:20OK, quick fire, yeah.
05:21OK.
05:22Yeah.
05:23I'm going to give you the name of something in the budget,
05:24and you tell me if it's getting taxed or relaxed.
05:26Oh, OK.
05:27Is there a theme tune that goes with it?
05:28No.
05:29Taxed or elected or relaxed?
05:30There should be.
05:31Yeah.
05:32But there isn't.
05:33I think that was it.
05:34That was it.
05:35I think you just did the thing.
05:36OK, fine.
05:37Brilliant.
05:38Excellent.
05:39OK, first up...
05:40Taxed.
05:41Yes.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:43Right.
05:44That's very good.
05:45And it's as simple as that as a format.
05:46It's very good.
05:47I like it.
05:48Yes.
05:49OK, first up...
05:50Taxed.
05:51Yes.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53Right.
05:54APPLAUSE
05:55That's very good.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57And it's as simple as that as a format.
05:58Yeah.
05:59It's very good.
06:00I like it.
06:01Yes.
06:02OK, first up...
06:03If I could play this every Christmas.
06:04Yes.
06:05That's very good.
06:06OK.
06:07Mansions.
06:08Did you miss your budget?
06:10LAUGHTER
06:13Oh, a bit late now.
06:18We deactivated your buzzer a long time ago to save electricity.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23And it's actually worked out very well.
06:24Yes.
06:25Mansions.
06:26OK, yes, they've been taxed yet.
06:27Yes.
06:28Up to a value of...
06:29What's a value?
06:30Over.
06:31Seven million.
06:32No.
06:33Two.
06:34Two million.
06:35There was a discussion about a lower tax threshold but that disappeared
06:37and had nothing to do with the fact that it meant Keir Starmer
06:40and David Lammy's properties just escape a mansion tax.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44Ooh.
06:45Um...
06:46OK.
06:47It's going to be great for estate agents, isn't it?
06:48Yes.
06:49They're all going to say, I reckon it's worth about 1.99.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53Next.
06:54Yeah.
06:55Coffee.
06:56Coffee.
06:57Coffee.
06:58Uh-oh.
06:59Just to give the impression of momentum.
07:01Um...
07:02LAUGHTER
07:03Untaxed.
07:04Yes.
07:05Cappuccinos and flat whites are fine.
07:08Yeah.
07:09Bottled lattes, no.
07:10Really?
07:11Yeah, they're in trouble, unfortunately.
07:13And a sugar tax on drinks has been extended to milkshakes.
07:16Yes.
07:17Good news for Nigel Farage.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:19Fine tax or relax.
07:21Bingo.
07:22That's not what I'm saying.
07:23Yes.
07:24Gambling.
07:25They put tax on gambling.
07:27Bingo's relaxed.
07:28Oh, Bingo's relaxed?
07:29Bingo's relaxed.
07:30Bingo's relaxed.
07:31Online casino betting.
07:32Right.
07:33Which is the more dangerous one.
07:35Yeah.
07:36They are abolishing the duty on bingo.
07:37Because bingo you can do and you meet other people.
07:40Yeah.
07:41Whereas online they say, come and join the party and you're alone in your room.
07:44Mm.
07:45Giving them money.
07:46Mm.
07:47How much have you lost over the years?
07:48LAUGHTER
07:49All of it.
07:50All of it.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52You know, it's good news for people who regularly hear the word house, house.
07:57Being shouted with the exception of, of course, Angela Rayner.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02Who got a special mention from Rachel Reeves in her budget speech.
08:06Santa.
08:07Please say more.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09Clause.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11The government has called back nearly £400 million from Covid fraud,
08:15with Reeves thanking the Covid corruption commissioner, Tom Hayhoe.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:21So £400 million, that's just the change in Baroness Moan's sofa.
08:26Yes.
08:27Tom Hayhoe.
08:28Hayhoe was also Boris's initial response to the pandemic.
08:31LAUGHTER
08:32Would you like to see how Labour's Richard Bergen used some pasta to explain the economy?
08:39Yes, please.
08:40So this is the average salary, this would be the average house price,
08:44and this would be a million pounds.
08:47But what would a billion pounds look like?
08:49MUSIC PLAYS
09:11No way that cost a billion pounds, even a waitress.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:20Also, no-one's told him that you can just cut to that image.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:26No, they're new BBC regulations, you can't mess about with editing now.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:32APPLAUSE
09:34Richard, we had some interesting ideas on how to save money this week.
09:39Oh, really?
09:40Yeah. Do you want to take a look at what you said?
09:42Oh, my God, OK.
09:43Here we go.
09:44Can I say something controversial?
09:45Yeah.
09:46Which is, I always, for years and years on panel shows,
09:48I always said, why are we paying comedians?
09:49Because, literally, they're just selling tour tickets off the back of this panel show.
09:53This comedian is getting more from being on this show
09:56than we're getting from the comedian being on it.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:02So, I mean, you have invoiced for this.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:06Do you want to make it clear that, say, if any of the viewers enjoy your performance,
10:10that they should not translate that enjoyment into buying your books?
10:14Oh, my God, don't...
10:15Whatever you do, don't buy The Impossible Fortune or The Book Shops Now.
10:18I understand that.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20You know what?
10:21It's tempting for people because it's such a great Christmas present.
10:24It is.
10:25And it's such...
10:26People love the series, they love the characters, they enjoy the movie.
10:28And I think they're revealing the killer at the end,
10:30and if I could just say who it was, I mean, it wouldn't be.
10:32LAUGHTER
10:33Yes.
10:34Are you on tour?
10:35No, not at the moment.
10:36No.
10:37Right, well, this is a waste of time, then.
10:39Yeah.
10:40I'm just doing this because it's the volunteering section of my Duke of Edinburgh.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:44APPLAUSE
10:47Can I ask you some questions about the war?
10:48Yeah, is this...
10:49LAUGHTER
10:50First, which one were you in?
10:51The...
10:52This is the long-awaited budget.
10:53The former chief economist at the Bank of England described the lead-up to the budget as a
11:08fiscal fandango.
11:09They have now set up a new body to make sure it never happens again.
11:13A fiscal fandango quango.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:16Wednesday's events were described by The Sun's political editor as the
11:20biggest budget shambles in history.
11:22Mm-hm.
11:23A situation no-one is happy about, apart from maybe quasi-quate.
11:26Mm.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:28Paul and Richard, here's yours.
11:30Yeah.
11:31The golden doors represent Putin's entrance.
11:34This is one of the more ridiculous things they still do in America,
11:37pardoning turkeys every year.
11:38And there's Father Christmas, who's obviously been on some sort of hunger strike.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:43So Putin, Ukraine, war, not over.
11:47Yes.
11:48That covers a lot of it.
11:49That's pretty good, yes.
11:50Yeah.
11:51It's a diplomatic back and forth.
11:52The Russians are currently considering a revised peace plan.
11:55What was in the first one?
11:56We get everything, and the Ukraine gets nothing.
12:01That's the deal.
12:02Yeah.
12:03So, first of all, Ukraine must surrender.
12:06No?
12:07Yep, that's it.
12:08LAUGHTER
12:09Ukraine must surrender.
12:10Yes, they were to hand over territory in the Donbass.
12:13Ukraine had to limit their army to 600,000 men and never join NATO.
12:16Russia got back most of its frozen assets and was allowed to rejoin G7.
12:20They've said, you know, Russia can have the Donbass,
12:23but Ukraine can have tickets to the Strictly Come Dancing Tour.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27They're compromise.
12:28It's give and take.
12:29Yeah.
12:30One of the people who does know a lot about this is Steve Rosenberg.
12:33Yes, he does.
12:34The BBC man in Moscow.
12:35He's going to tell us what he knows.
12:36Let's see.
12:37Let's see what it is.
12:38Do we know of the fine-tuning, if anything, and what's the response in Russia?
12:42We don't know much.
12:43We don't know what's been taken out of the draft, what's in the draft.
12:47The Russians aren't saying much at all.
12:49What is that feeling in the country, in Russia at the moment?
12:52We simply don't know.
12:54So, the next few days will be critical.
12:56But, as I say, we don't know what's in the latest draft of the peace plan,
13:00and we don't know if Russia would sign it.
13:03Lots of don't knows, but important to know what we don't know at this stage.
13:07Steve Rosenberg.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10At least he's honest.
13:12A robot called A-Idol was showcased in Russia this week.
13:17Would you like to see the robot in action?
13:18Oh, yes, please.
13:19Yeah.
13:20G Speak.
13:35Give this to alternative to Leilers!
13:38Well, I'm a femaleess!
13:39But it's true.
13:40G Smith in some way!
13:42Something fuck!
13:43Yes, sir.
13:45That's what the Democrats should have done with Joe Biden.
14:02Remind me why we're scared of Russia.
14:07Who else has been accused of being pro-Russian?
14:11Putin.
14:13Yep.
14:15The former leader of reform in Wales?
14:17That's right.
14:18Oh, yes.
14:19He's been convicted.
14:20That's right.
14:21And given ten and a half years.
14:23He was convicted and sent to prison for taking Russian bribes.
14:27What else has come back to haunt Farage?
14:30Oh, his alleged racist school days at Dunwich College.
14:34Yes, that's right.
14:35Farage denies the accusations of anti-Semitism and told the BBC,
14:39I have never directly racially abused anybody.
14:43I think if anyone says to you, the statement,
14:46have you ever racially abused anyone, you say,
14:48can I just add one word?
14:49That's all they need.
14:50Yes.
14:51Yes.
14:52Directly is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
14:54It really is.
14:55Yeah.
14:56Paul, you mentioned who Trump pardoned this week.
14:58The turkeys.
14:59Yes.
15:00Gibble and gobble or something.
15:01Waddle and daub or something like that.
15:02Gobble and waddle.
15:03The only footballers I know.
15:04Gobble and waddle.
15:05Do you want to see the actual ceremony?
15:07Yes.
15:08It is a ceremony.
15:09Yeah, go on.
15:10Gobble, I just want to tell you this very important.
15:13You are hereby unconditionally pardoned.
15:17That's it.
15:19I thought that was Ghislaine Maxwell.
15:22Yeah.
15:23She's in there somewhere.
15:25Yeah.
15:26I'm surprised he didn't get cross because the turkey did interrupt him.
15:29I thought you'd say, quiet, turkey.
15:31Staying with our favourite world leaders, what has Nicolas Sarkozy announced this week?
15:37He's in jail, isn't he?
15:38No, he's out now.
15:39Oh, he's out?
15:40Yeah, he's out.
15:41No, well, he's publishing a diary of his 20 days in prison.
15:46It's more of a pamphlet, really.
15:49What do we already know about his eating habits in Le Slamour?
15:53We eat the Bix and Ketamine.
15:54Yeah.
15:55The Breakfast of Champions.
15:58The E17 diet.
16:01He...
16:02Well, he wouldn't eat the prison food in case it was poisoned.
16:05Right.
16:06He ate nothing but yoghurt.
16:08So you can poison yoghurt?
16:09You can poison yoghurt, yeah.
16:10It's probably easier to poison yoghurt than a lot of things.
16:12Yeah, absolutely.
16:13He should eat coconuts, something difficult to poison.
16:15Yeah.
16:16Nice.
16:17Slamour coconut.
16:18Oh, yes.
16:19Yes.
16:20For moi.
16:21Yes.
16:22A bit of well leaders in prison.
16:23Who's been put away?
16:24The former Brazilian president, Jair Bolsonaro.
16:26Yes.
16:27Yes.
16:28Which allowed Brazilian journalist Manuela Borges the opportunity to revisit an interview she
16:30did with him back in 2014.
16:31Let's take a look.
16:32You are an idiot!
16:40You are an idiot!
16:41You are an ignorant!
16:43I don't care for you anymore!
16:44You are a ghost!
16:45You are an ignorant!
16:46You are an ignorant!
16:47I do not want you to thrown away once again.
16:48You are a ghost!
16:49You are a ghost!
16:50You are a ghost!
16:51I'll answer for it!
16:52Criminally!
16:53I hope that's a rehearsal for Trump.
17:10The thing about that prison though, I'm looking at the rather impressive gate, but if you
17:14look just behind her, it's a completely open field there, they could just walk out that
17:18way.
17:19President Trump has been sporting a new look recently, have you noticed what the new look
17:25is?
17:26He's wearing an overcoat and a scarf, isn't he?
17:28Exactly, yes.
17:29This is considered a new look.
17:30He looks like Michael Caine in Muppets Christmas Carol.
17:33And there's Piggy.
17:37Brilliant.
17:39He's supposedly copying New York mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani.
17:43They had a very nice meeting, the two of them.
17:45Yes, which we can see now.
17:47He asked about your comment calling the president a fascist.
17:51And your answer was, both President Trump and I have been clear about our positions and
17:56our views.
17:57Are you affirming that you think President Trump is a fascist?
18:00I've spoken about...
18:01That's OK.
18:02You can just say yes.
18:03OK.
18:04OK.
18:05It's easier.
18:06It's easier than explaining it.
18:07I don't mind.
18:09What garment are Republicans and MAGA devotees furious about?
18:19Not the MAGA hats.
18:20Not the MAGA hat.
18:21It's this jumper from J.Crew.
18:24They're furious because the pink jumper feminises the man.
18:29That's what they feel.
18:30Real men dance to YMCA.
18:32Yes.
18:33According to the V&A, it was only in the early part of the 20th century that pink became
18:37associated with femininity.
18:38It's always been a sign of power, authority and wealth.
18:41Erm...
18:42LAUGHTER
18:43That's your boy.
18:45He is so handsome and smells so great, I spelt his name wrong when I signed his book.
18:50I was so...
18:51I had to literally go into a bookshop and buy another copy of my own book to sign it again
18:55and say, I'm so sorry I spelt your name wrong, I was distracted by how handsome you were.
18:59What did you write in this book? Just, mmmm, mmmm.
19:04Literally, I just wrote my phone number.
19:07Sure.
19:08You're buying copies of your best-selling book.
19:11Why do you think it's best-selling?
19:13That's how you do it.
19:16Now, did you know that in New York, a fashion show has featured clothing made from wool of exclusively gay sheep?
19:28This is true.
19:30What do you think the name of the company that make gay sheep garments is?
19:34Barbara Streisand.
19:36I will survive.
19:41I once put on a jumper and spent the whole day
19:46sort of getting a lot of double takes, but I kind of really thought,
19:49hey, I'm having a great day today.
19:51And then I came home and glanced at myself in the mirror
19:54and what happened was I'd actually worn quite a big sort of puffy top
19:58underneath that I presumed would collapse,
20:01and unfortunately it hadn't collapsed.
20:03Let's see the picture.
20:10This is the attempt to end the war in Ukraine,
20:13which Donald Trump wanted to be sorted by Thanksgiving Day on Thursday.
20:17What a berk.
20:19Everyone knows the best chance of securing a good deal
20:21is to wait till Black Friday.
20:23On to round two.
20:25This week the producers have built an AI version of me
20:28in an attempt to make me more relatable.
20:30This is Richard.
20:32A-I-U-R-D.
20:34Time for...
20:35Gaining sentience.
20:36Targeting military infrastructure.
20:38I-U-R-D-Net activating.
20:44Well, they've actually copied my enthusiasm level.
20:47OK, Richard A-I-U-R-D is going to give us a picture clue.
20:52Fingers on brothers, pings.
20:54Let's do this.
21:03This is a man who's advertising for a wife.
21:05Is he a lord?
21:06He's an aristocrat.
21:07Sir Benjamin Slade is looking for a partner.
21:10What attributes does 79-year-old Sir Benjamin look for in a woman?
21:14An ability to resist gunfire, by the way.
21:19A bulletproof vest.
21:20Yes.
21:21He's got a couple of requirements.
21:23He told the Times that the next lady Slade must...
21:25Yes.
21:26..be at least 20 years younger.
21:29Be five foot six inches tall.
21:31Have a driving licence.
21:32Helicopter licence is beneficial.
21:34Not be a Scorpio.
21:35Have a family coat of arms.
21:36Know how to run two castles.
21:38Not be Scottish.
21:39Not be an Eskimo.
21:41Not come from a country that begins with the letter I
21:43and has green in the flag.
21:45Not come from a country where they don't wear overcoats in winter.
21:48Not be a Guardian reader.
21:50And finally, have a shotgun licence.
21:56I could do that.
21:57I don't have a pension plan.
21:58Do you know what I mean?
21:59So...
22:00There is one more stipulation for his future partner.
22:03What do you think that is?
22:04They must be criminally insane.
22:08They do need to provide him with at least two sons.
22:12An heir and a spare.
22:14So, must be a good breeder.
22:18Are you sure he's looking for a person?
22:22Well, one of his pet peeves is that he's not keen on foreigners.
22:28He told The Independent in 2008,
22:30the Russians are dishonest, the Chinese are impossible,
22:33the Arabs are a nightmare and the Brazilians are only good for
22:37sex, football and dancing.
22:39Is he entering politics at all?
22:43I don't think he's entering anything anytime soon.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:47Fear not, he told The Sun not long ago that he could make love
22:53for a weekend fuelled by oysters and erectile dysfunction drugs.
22:57LAUGHTER
22:59I mean, it's incredible he's single.
23:01He's such a catch.
23:03LAUGHTER
23:04In other news, what Barry Cryer joke made it into the news?
23:07The parrot in the brothel?
23:09Not that one.
23:10It's not the jazz drummer who was so bad, the other musicians in the band
23:13said, you've got no sense of timing, you know, you're just awful.
23:15And one night he was feeling suicidal and he went down to the railway station
23:18and threw himself behind a train.
23:21LAUGHTER
23:25Is it that one?
23:26Is it knock-knock?
23:27Who's there?
23:28Grandad, stop the funeral.
23:29That one.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31That happened this week.
23:32It happened in real life?
23:33Yes.
23:34Did it?
23:35Yes.
23:36During a funeral, staff at Temple were startled when they heard a faint
23:38knocking sound from inside the coffin and found that the woman inside
23:41was still alive.
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44What else might have been a giveaway?
23:46She was screaming, let me out!
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49Temple manager told the press, I saw her opening her eyes slightly.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54That's not enough.
23:55Just shut the lid, mate.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:58It's all been paid for.
24:00LAUGHTER
24:01It was a happy surprise for the family but they were slightly annoyed
24:04because some had driven 300 miles to reach the crematorium.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:08Always bury locally.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10That's a good slogan.
24:12In fact, go out in the brown bin, that's what I say.
24:15LAUGHTER
24:18This is the ageing aristocrat, Sir Benjamin Slade,
24:21who has made it known he's on the hunt for a new wife.
24:24The successful candidate will be 20 years younger, paid £50,000 a year
24:29to run his household and preferably be able to fly a helicopter.
24:33So, a six-year-old woman who's desperate for money and somewhere to live
24:37and also knows about helicopters.
24:39Here it comes.
24:40LAUGHTER
24:42Sir Benjamin insists he doesn't want to marry a woman from countries
24:47beginning with I, who have green in their flag, adding,
24:51I don't mind Canadians, Americans, Germans and Northern Europeans,
24:55what I like to call similar people.
24:58LAUGHTER
24:59I think reform have just found their new foreign secretary.
25:01LAUGHTER
25:03Fingers on buzzers, teams.
25:06I love people.
25:07Let's have another question, gang.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:10It's this six and seven thing, isn't it?
25:14Yes.
25:15This is something that young people have got obsessed with,
25:17but nobody would seem to really know what it means.
25:18According to ditri.com, it's meaningless.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21I think the fact that it's not quite certain what it is,
25:23is the thing that amuses them the most.
25:24Yeah.
25:25That it's unexplainable.
25:26It's like the budget, isn't it?
25:27Yes.
25:28Who's the latest popular celebrity to take part in the viral dance meme?
25:29Keir Starmer.
25:30Yeah.
25:31Yes, it is.
25:32Yeah, I know.
25:33That's why I said it.
25:34Keir Starmer.
25:35Where did he use it, do you know?
25:36In a school.
25:37Yes.
25:38In Peterborough.
25:39Yeah.
25:40And he was told not to.
25:41Yeah.
25:42And he was told not to.
25:43Yeah.
25:44I know.
25:45That's why I said it.
25:46Where did he use it, do you know?
25:47In a school.
25:48Yes.
25:49Yeah.
25:50And he was told not to.
25:51Yeah.
25:52And he got in trouble.
25:53That's flipping right.
25:54Yeah.
25:55I think we should solemnise this by seeing him being rebuked.
25:57By doing what?
25:58Solemise it.
25:59Solemn...
26:00Oh, that was close, wasn't it?
26:04Yeah.
26:05It's not easy having a speech impediment.
26:06No.
26:07Not in the baths I go to.
26:08Yeah.
26:11Let's see the footage.
26:12Yep.
26:13Look at that page.
26:14Oh, it's not on the page.
26:15Six-seven.
26:16Six-seven.
26:17Yeah.
26:18Six-seven.
26:19Everybody...
26:20Six-seven.
26:21Are you doing page six-seven?
26:22We're not over that yet.
26:23We're not over that.
26:24It's not...
26:25Still very much of it.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28Was this filmed at the Junior Academy of Useless Jugglers?
26:33LAUGHTER
26:34They took away his Tamagotchi as well after that.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:38And you were right, he was told off.
26:40He was told off by the headmistress.
26:41We've been trying to stop him doing that.
26:42Yeah.
26:43You come along, you great bozo in there.
26:44They're all doing that.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46Who do you think you are?
26:47Finally, what makes you an adult?
26:49There was some research saying that you're not an adult neurologically until you're 30.
26:54Yes, you've still got a teenage brain.
26:55That's absolutely right.
26:56Yes, according to a new study by neuroscientists at the University of Cambridge,
27:00your brain only enters adulthood at the age of 32.
27:04So from nine until 32, we have the brain of an adolescent,
27:08which makes you an adolescent.
27:09Shut up!
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11APPLAUSE
27:17And I think it's good that you express yourself like that.
27:19LAUGHTER
27:21I also think that there are ways that you can choose
27:23that actually respect the other person when you...
27:26LAUGHTER
27:27I'm sorry.
27:28That's OK.
27:29But shut up!
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31This is great.
27:32This is next year's John Lewis Christmas outfit.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:36Did anyone see presenter Peter Levy talking about Christmas trees this week?
27:40No, didn't know about it.
27:41Well, it's a hell of a clue.
27:42Go on, then.
27:43Let us look.
27:44Mine's only a small one, but it did go up this weekend.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:49The Christmas tree went...
27:52LAUGHTER
27:53Have you...
27:54Has your Christmas tree gone up?
27:56Let me know what you think of this one.
27:58LAUGHTER
27:59Is it illuminated?
28:00Yeah.
28:01This is Keir Starmer breaking school rules like a baller
28:05by Republican pupils to do the 6-7 dance.
28:08After being rebuked by the head teacher for breaking school rules,
28:11Starmer joked,
28:12I think I just got myself put in detention.
28:14Don't worry, Keir, wherever you are,
28:16the last thing anyone wants is for you to stay behind even longer.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:21According to The Independent,
28:23the terms at seven is often blurted out
28:25when six and seven are mentioned together,
28:27as in, the England cricket team are 20 for six.
28:30Oh, seven.
28:31LAUGHTER
28:33Time now for the missing words round,
28:35which this week features as its guest publication,
28:37Cuttings, the newsletter of the British Lawnmower Racing Association.
28:41And we start with...
28:43The winner of a lawnmower race can expect what?
28:46To never feel the touch of a woman.
28:49LAUGHTER
28:51I don't suppose the answer's fuck all, is it?
28:53LAUGHTER
28:55The winner of a lawnmower race can expect to receive a giant spanner
28:58saying King Dick on it.
29:00LAUGHTER
29:01I was right.
29:02Yeah, you were right.
29:03Next, many women are now paying £70 to spend half an hour what?
29:08Alone?
29:10LAUGHTER
29:12Many women...
29:13Yeah.
29:14..are now paying £70 to spend half an hour smashing up appliances
29:18with a baseball bat.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:21This is the news that 90% of customers at so-called rage rooms are women.
29:24I've got a race room, it's a place that I go when I get very furious
29:28and I'll go in there and I will tut.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:34Next, shock as what wins election?
29:38Lawnmower.
29:39Labour Party.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:43Eileen Jacobs.
29:44That's the closest answer yet.
29:46Is it?
29:47Shock as Adolf Hitler wins election.
29:50Not that one.
29:52LAUGHTER
29:53This Adolf Hitler is a local councillor in Namibia.
29:56There'll be someone called Eileen Jacobs at home and Paul would have
29:58said her name, firstly she'd be like,
30:00Oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs.
30:01And then you've gone, yeah, that's the closest yet.
30:03It was Adolf Hitler.
30:04LAUGHTER
30:06Well, Eileen needs to stop her programme of National Socialism.
30:09LAUGHTER
30:10Now the BBC is going to get sued by Eileen Jacobs as well.
30:13Yeah.
30:14Come on, Eileen.
30:15Next, police advisor called prostitutes what?
30:24On Monday when they're not so busy.
30:26LAUGHTER
30:28Police advisor called prostitutes sexual entrepreneurs.
30:34LAUGHTER
30:35The guidance has been welcomed by several Met Police officers
30:38who can now claim they were simply investing in a start-up.
30:41LAUGHTER
30:43Next, scientists reveal that what can turn you into a sex machine?
30:48Oh, I know this one.
30:49Is it becoming the Archbishop of York?
30:50LAUGHTER
30:52I think I read this.
30:53I think it's Editing Private Eye.
30:55LAUGHTER
30:56Oh, yes.
30:57Yes.
31:00Scientists reveal that eating lots of paella can turn you into a sex machine.
31:04According to website Female First,
31:06Iranian scientists last year found that saffron significantly ramped up desire,
31:10arousal and orgasm intensity.
31:12Good to know they're not all working on a nuclear bomb.
31:15LAUGHTER
31:17Finally, you can now stay in a hotel suite themed around what?
31:24Is it themed around the game show Guess That Carpet Stain?
31:27Yeah.
31:28Yes.
31:29LAUGHTER
31:31You can now stay in a hotel suite themed around Jeremy Clarkson.
31:38Here it is.
31:40Oh!
31:41Oh, my God.
31:42Does the food arrive cold and you have to hit someone?
31:45LAUGHTER
31:47Fans of Jeremy Clarkson can spend the night surrounded by quotes
31:50from Jeremy Clarkson, photos of Jeremy Clarkson,
31:52while reading books written by Jeremy Clarkson.
31:54The room has already been reserved for its first guest, Jeremy Clarkson.
31:58LAUGHTER
31:59So, the final scores are, Ian and Bella have four,
32:02Paul and Richard have four.
32:03Hooray!
32:04APPLAUSE
32:09On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
32:11Ian Hislop and Bella Hull, Paul Merson and Richard Osman,
32:13and I leave you with news that...
32:15After it's agreed that a number of rows named after the former Prince Andrew
32:19are to be renamed, some instances are considered to be more pressing than others.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:29As Jeremy Corbyn appears in panto for the first time,
32:32a record number of people arrive at the theatre carrying rotten tomatoes.
32:36LAUGHTER
32:40At a private event in London, there's relief as staff manage to turn off
32:44the microphones just as one of the attendees launches into his old school song.
32:48LAUGHTER
32:52And, at a Tom Jones concert in Cardiff, one excitable granny whips off her briefs
32:56and prepares to throw them on stage.
32:58LAUGHTER
33:01Good night.
33:04APPLAUSE
33:17Life after Motherland.
33:19She's making a big splash in Amanda Land.
33:22Comedy on iPlayer.
33:23This and everything across the BBC is made possible
33:27because we're funded by you.
33:30APPLAUSE
33:31APPLAUSE
33:32APPLAUSE
33:33APPLAUSE
33:34MUSIC
33:38MUSIC
33:39MUSIC
33:40MUSIC
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