- 6 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Games, games, games, games, games, games, games, games, games!
00:16Huh?
00:17Normals?
00:19Two eyes?
00:20End casts?
00:21Why does a game store feel like detention?
00:24Modern board games aren't about fun.
00:26They're about economics and math.
00:28You know, fun!
00:30Woo-hoo!
00:32Bartholomew, a little help, please!
00:35We've been epic fantasy role-playing for six hours!
00:39If you'll sit in for me, I need to fill the porcelain chalice!
00:44Only you could make peeing sound lame.
00:46How do I play this stupid game?
00:48You must role-play as my beloved character, Dandelion Tenderjape,
00:53the bardic imp of the Fey Realm!
00:56Hi.
00:58No peasantry's at table!
01:00The party enters a cavern where, atop a glittering treasure mound,
01:04sleeps the dragon, Bal Thalmogod.
01:07Though I, Mafagrist the Bold,
01:09have vanquished every fire drake and lava worm in the caverns of hotness,
01:14this foe is far beyond any of you.
01:17Retreat is what we should do.
01:19I attack!
01:21Yo, idiot! You're gonna get us all killed!
01:26So long as I get Martin's guy killed.
01:28The party enters combat.
01:30The dragon breathes fire at the defenseless lootest,
01:35rooting to determine damage.
01:3928, 28 points of fire damage!
01:49Hilarious!
01:53Without the help of his friends,
01:55a dandelion will surely perish.
01:58Huh?!
02:04Methagrist the Bold leaves no companion behind,
02:05With the bravery and the tearing-doe and the confident,
02:09也认为S people building on the same obtaining Rabbi,
02:11Ah, Mythagoras is fighting a dragon!
02:14Everyone, free go!
02:20Ice plant.
02:22Lightning bolt.
02:24Sleep after y'all.
02:28In the final act of desperation, the dragon lays...
02:31Egg of death.
02:36I'm fairly certain I can handle one measly death egg.
02:39Likewise.
02:47One.
02:48What?
02:49One.
02:50One.
02:51Why?
02:53Great Sheldon's ghost, it can't be.
02:56It's, well, it's unfreakable.
02:58The lethal egg-splosion pierces the wizard's defenses.
03:02And Mythagoras de Bolde falls.
03:05He's dead.
03:07I've been with Mythagoras for 20 years.
03:10He's my oldest friend.
03:18Drink.
03:19Bart, you got Frank's character killed! You made a grown-up cry!
03:28Uh, don't tell Mom about this, okay?
03:31Oh, Bart, how could you even think I wouldn't?
03:34You!
03:35Hello, Professor.
03:36Bart's sister told me he did something bad to you.
03:38But I don't understand what it was, despite repeated explanations.
03:43I mean, anyway, apologize.
03:44I'm sorry I pulled a Leroy Jenkins and got Mythagoras permadeathed.
03:49Whoosh!
03:50Well, we brought Karen out clumpies.
03:51Hi.
03:52This place is the coolest!
03:53At least my heroic friend died in battle.
03:56It's what he always wanted.
03:57So you're not mad at me?
03:58Oh, powerful emotional responses are just a spike in brain chemicals, lad. My brain prefers cogitation.
04:05Sweet.
04:06I'm so sorry you lost your imaginary friend. How old are you again?
04:11Ow! Hey, the slime just shocked me!
04:12Oh, did it explain why? It is supposed to. You see, as the mighty wizard, I could be all the things that I am not. I was, uh, well, brave.
04:14Is this a shrink ray?
04:15Oh, yeah, uh, but I think it's a shrink ray.
04:17The original emotional responses are just a spike in brain chemicals, lad. My brain prefers cogitation.
04:21Sweet.
04:22I'm so sorry you lost your imaginary friend. How old are you again?
04:27Ow!
04:28Hey, the slime just shocked me!
04:30Oh, did it explain why? It is supposed to. You see, as the mighty wizard, I could be all the things that I am not. I was, uh, well, brave.
04:41Is this a shrink ray?
04:43Oh, yeah, but it only works on watermelons.
04:46It sure does!
04:49As a mother, I've tried so hard to channel my son's enthusiasms in a positive direction.
04:57Science could be a wonderful outlet for Bart's energy and imagination.
05:02Could he be your helper?
05:04Uh, rambunctious child, yes.
05:05Would you accept the position of a lab assistant?
05:08Will I get to tangle with forces I can't possibly understand and scream,
05:13My God, what have I done?
05:14At least once a day.
05:16I'm in.
05:38You know, in college, they're going to try to tell you that noble gases don't burn, so don't mention today.
05:50Dude, I'm never going to college. I'm dumb.
05:53Hey, that is the worst thing you can call yourself. You take that back.
05:57What? I am dumb. It's fine. Dumb guys can do lots of cool stuff. It's always a dumb guy who wins the lottery.
06:04You're not dumb.
06:05Everybody knows I am.
06:06Oh, yeah, well, I don't.
06:08Am too. Am too. Am too.
06:10Are not. Are not. Are not. Are not. Are not. Not. Not. Not.
06:12I would not be friends with you if you were the D-word.
06:20What is it?
06:22So when Bart said, what is it, what did you say?
06:24I said, it's an invitation.
06:28Professor Frank's college reunion is at some billionaire's private compound, but it'll only go if I go with him.
06:33Uh, Bart would be quite helpful. Social interaction can be, uh, well, uh, tricky for me.
06:40What?
06:40No!
06:40Mr. Personality?
06:42Well, the invitation does say family's welcome, and as an impossibly literal person, I assume that means that I can bring all of you.
06:51A rich guy super party. Think of the food. Think of the booze.
06:57Where exactly is this reunion?
07:03Well, they won't say where it is.
07:05Billionaires are so reclusive, we have to sign an NDA in order to find out.
07:11The Dipsons are going to...
07:14Welcome to NDA, Professor Frank and Unrelated Family.
07:27This mansion is incredible. It's like where a realtor would live.
07:32Actually, that's just where we store Christmas ornaments. The mansion is behind the next rise.
07:37John! Welcome to my humble abode.
07:47Well, not exactly humble.
07:49And I only abode here four days a year, and the actual owner is an offshore trust controlled by nominee directors.
07:54But, you know, Peter, how long has it been? 9.56 times 10 to the third days?
07:59Oh, that was witty and delivered rather calmly.
08:01This place is sweet. I wouldn't mind being hunted for sport here.
08:05I saw this view on a screensaver, and I just had to have it.
08:09The indigenous people who lived here were not too happy.
08:11What happened to them?
08:13Have you ever heard of eminent domain? Because the tribal elders sure hadn't.
08:19Oh! These are the worst people in the world.
08:24Don't think of them as people.
08:26Think of them as big piles of money with nothing better to do than fund a smart little girl's education.
08:32You want me to try to squeeze a scholarship out of a tech bro?
08:37Don't I have a college fund?
08:39We spent that on long-term parking for this trip.
08:43These are just some of the trifles I've collected over the years.
08:46There's a Komodo dragon, nature's perfect tongue-flicking machine.
08:50This fossil here is the extinct creature that a very famous video game is based on.
08:58Poor Frank.
08:59How can he stand to be around Peter?
09:01That man took everything from him.
09:03What did Peter do to Frank?
09:06This was back in college.
09:08We were undergrads in the early boom days of the internet.
09:11Together we created the modern tech economy,
09:14which seemed like a good idea at the time.
09:17John Frank was brilliant,
09:19but unlike the rest of us,
09:20he never cared about making money.
09:22Once he created something,
09:24he just moved on to the next discovery.
09:28Peter, I'd better get going or I'll be late for applied email 202.
09:32My goodness, have we been playing that long?
09:34Uh, Susan, what time is it?
09:36The current time is 57 degrees Fahrenheit.
09:39Oh, I am.
09:41Susan is the voice-activated assistant I created,
09:44but she never quite does what you want her to do.
09:46Would you like to hear music by a band you hate?
09:49John, you just leapfrogged current technology by light years.
09:52Turning off lights for one year.
09:56Oh, she's worse than nothing.
09:59If Susan is stressing you out,
10:01I could toss it in the dumpster
10:02on the way to my ethics in business seminar.
10:04They're always looking out for me.
10:05Always.
10:06Trusted friend.
10:07To this day,
10:10whenever a Siri or an Alexa
10:11almost understands what you want,
10:13that's John's technology.
10:15But it was Peter who got rich off it.
10:18What kind of billionaire chooses money over friendship?
10:20Siri, what's a good revenge idea?
10:22Revenge is a dish best served cold.
10:25Here's some ice cream near you.
10:27Oh, she's worse than nothing.
10:30Hey, how many of these would get me unpleasantly drunk?
10:33And may I have twice that many?
10:34None of the drinks this weekend will have alcohol.
10:37Alcohol is a deadly poison.
10:39And it's poison o'clock somewhere, am I right?
10:42It will take years off your life.
10:44Yeah, all the crap ones at the end.
10:47Everyone here is dedicated to radical life extension.
10:50Did you know that in the very near future,
10:53pseudoscience will literally solve aging?
10:56You mean our kids will stay little forever?
10:58No, but they'll live longer, healthier lives.
11:03This weekend, we will only be consuming
11:06the most cutting-edge plutocuticals and longeva syrups.
11:09Yum.
11:10This tastes nothing like purple.
11:12Oh, that's olive oil and river clay.
11:14It'll do wonders for your left testicle.
11:17Whoa.
11:17Speaking of life expectancy,
11:20did you know that graduates of private universities
11:22live longer than their state college peers,
11:26especially if they've gotten full scholarships?
11:29Sorry, I only listen to podcasts.
11:31Could you talk at 2.5 times speed?
11:33Sure.
11:35My name is Lisa Simpson,
11:36and an investment in me is an investment in...
11:382.7.
11:39A more equitable, greener future.
11:40Pause and delete.
11:42Play Sam Harris.
11:43I can't wait to find out
11:48how they screwed up the omelet bar.
11:50What do you want as your base?
11:52Goat placenta or lab-grown goat placenta?
11:54Half and half.
11:56Homie, I know this life extension step
11:58is a little wackadoodle,
12:00but if it worked,
12:01you and I could have more time together
12:03than I ever dreamed of.
12:07Happy 53rd birthday, my love.
12:09These last 15 years
12:11have been an unexpected miracle.
12:24Okay, hair plugs.
12:26My wife wants me to do whatever you say
12:28so I live forever.
12:30It all starts with a simple blood test.
12:32Follow my lead,
12:33and soon you'll have the sex drive
12:34of an 18-year-old.
12:35No! Not again!
12:37So then the Egyptians said
12:38my yacht was too big
12:40to fit through the canal,
12:40so I said Suez problem.
12:42Oh, that's a U.S. problem.
12:44I'm so happy you came, John.
12:46Oh, really?
12:47Well, allow me to just verify that.
12:50Oh, confirmed.
12:51These glasses are a new technology of mine.
12:54I'm not the best
12:55at reading other people's emotions.
12:57These glasses do it for me.
13:00Well, I can see that you're impressed.
13:02They're amazing.
13:03Think what it could do
13:05for the neurodivergent community
13:07or in a business negotiation
13:09to always know
13:11what the poor, unsuspecting bastard
13:14across the table
13:14is really feeling.
13:17Oh, I've never seen
13:18that emotion before.
13:20These may still need some tweaking.
13:22Could I take a closer look at them?
13:24Well, of course you can,
13:25trusted friend.
13:29Homer, it's incredible.
13:31The blood tests we ran.
13:33Somehow, you had the biomarkers
13:35of a 26-year-old.
13:37He looks 60.
13:38He smells 80.
13:40But he must know something.
13:41We don't.
13:42Tell us your secrets.
13:44Give us the keys to eternal life.
13:47Hmm?
13:48Hmm.
13:48The journey begins,
13:50as all journeys do,
13:51with beer.
13:54And...
13:54I now own every beer
13:57in this country.
13:58And beam up some Doritos, too,
14:00or you're all dead by midnight.
14:03What an accomplishment.
14:05It's a wonder you found time
14:07to file a patent for these.
14:10Well, I didn't.
14:11Didn't file a patent?
14:12That's...
14:13That's so you.
14:15Are you nuts showing him
14:16your new invention?
14:17He stole your Susan idea
14:19and made billions off it.
14:20Making money is for businessmen.
14:22You and I are scientists.
14:24You should be a mad scientist.
14:26You need to get angry
14:27at that jerk.
14:28As I said,
14:29powerful emotional responses,
14:31such as anger,
14:31are just a spike
14:32in brain chemicals.
14:35Oh, look.
14:35I suppose I...
14:36I could try.
14:38Peter never did thank me
14:39for his success.
14:40That feels quite yucky.
14:42And he could have shared
14:43some of his fortune with me,
14:44but he chose not to.
14:46Well, that makes
14:47the old glaive
14:47and poifick write-up,
14:49doesn't it?
14:49He...
14:50He took advantage of me.
14:51That's it, Professor?
14:52You're losing it.
14:53Now, what do I do
14:54with this...
14:55with this rage?
14:56Meh, nothing.
14:57It's just how
14:58you're supposed to feel.
14:59But why?
15:00Now my whole life
15:01just feels like
15:02a cruel joke.
15:03At least you're done
15:03being a wimp.
15:04Wimp?
15:05All this from the boy
15:06who calls himself dumb
15:08so he never has to try.
15:10What?
15:10You're afraid
15:11that if people knew
15:12that you were smart,
15:13then you'd actually
15:13have to apply yourself
15:14and you might fail.
15:16So it's much safer
15:17to call yourself dumb.
15:19How could you say that?
15:21I am dumb.
15:22Bad news, kid.
15:23You're smart.
15:24And that's all
15:25you'll ever be.
15:25Who wants to live forever?
15:35We follow your path,
15:41teacher.
15:42But are you sure
15:44that the secret
15:45to eternal youth
15:46is shotgunning beer
15:48and watching
15:49the Godzilla channel
15:50until 3 a.m.?
15:5126-year-old blood
15:53says it is.
15:54That pain you're feeling
15:56is just age
15:57leaving your body.
15:59I said no vitamins,
16:02you scarecrow vampire.
16:03They're not vitamins,
16:04sensei.
16:05They're double cheeseburgers
16:06in pill form.
16:07It's the only way
16:08I can keep up
16:09with your caloric intake.
16:10Come on, fella.
16:12Open.
16:15Open.
16:22Stupid Frank calls me smart.
16:24I'll stick my hoiven
16:25so far up as
16:25for a pudd neck
16:26he'll be tasting
16:27gahiven moiven
16:28for weeks.
16:29You seem upset
16:30with our mutual friend.
16:32I do this all the time,
16:33practically every week.
16:35You know what might
16:35make you feel better?
16:37Making him feel worse.
16:38After all,
16:39the Buddha teaches us
16:39it's impossible to be happy
16:41if other people are.
16:45Give me the design schematics
16:47for the emoji glasses
16:48and we'll both
16:49have our revenge.
16:50You tech moogles
16:51really are all psychopaths
16:53and I'm here for it.
16:54Let's do this.
16:55As part of the practice
16:57of mindful eating,
16:58before we put anything
16:59in our mouth,
16:59we say,
17:00I don't mind if I do.
17:04Modern food packaging
17:06is designed by law
17:07to tell you exactly
17:08what's going into your body.
17:10So look for claw marks
17:11in the logo,
17:12icicles on the lettering,
17:14and you can't go wrong
17:15with lightning bolts
17:16on the wrapper.
17:17Lightning bolt equals
17:18sexually active
17:19at 1,000 years old.
17:21Oh, come on!
17:23Are you all so terrified
17:24of growing old
17:25that you'll desperately
17:26cling to any guru
17:27who promises you
17:28five more minutes on Earth?
17:30But his blood was tested
17:31by our top medical imagineer,
17:33Dr. Incomparable Fabulous,
17:35and it's said he's 26.
17:36Obviously,
17:38the blood you tested
17:39wasn't my dad's.
17:42I tried to get blood,
17:44but none would come out,
17:45so I used parts.
17:47You hear that?
17:50My 10-year-old brother
17:51is biologically 26.
17:54Welcome to the Simpsons' lifestyle.
17:56Prepare to die.
18:01Oh, no.
18:02Oh, no.
18:06But also,
18:07if any of you want to pay
18:07for my college,
18:08that would be really great.
18:10You shall not have him,
18:25vile dragon.
18:29You shall not have him, vile dragon.
18:43Devastating thrust.
18:45Heartful valley.
18:47Freezing spell.
18:48Magic doesn't work here.
18:50Fantasy sequence, zip it.
18:59John Frink leaves no companion behind.
19:04Especially when they're friends.
19:07There's something I need to show you, but you're not going to like it.
19:13It's my emoji glasses.
19:15With enough detail to produce an exact copy.
19:17You made this, Bart.
19:19I was going to give it to Peter because I was mad at you.
19:22My brain chemicals were spiking like crazy.
19:25I'm sorry.
19:25Bart, you produce this schematic entirely from memory?
19:32Do you know what this means?
19:34This is conclusive, irrefutable proof that you are smart.
19:43My son is a science boy.
19:47So, you're really not mad?
19:50Well, see for yourself.
19:53Three lions?
19:54It's pride, genius.
19:57It certainly is.
19:59You know, if these glasses are so valuable,
20:01perhaps I'll donate them to my alma mater
20:03in exchange for a future full scholarship
20:06for my very, very smart assistant.
20:09Oh, for crying out loud!
20:12The Simpsons are leaving the beautiful nation of...
20:16Oh, I wish I could have seen more of many historical sites
20:21and natural wonders.
20:23At least I'm bringing home a souvenir from...
20:25Oh, I'm just glad to get the out of New Zealand.
20:29What?
20:30What?
20:30I never signed the NDA.
20:31I never signed the NDA, but I never signed the NDA for this.
20:46You're probably not going to look in the NDA.
20:48I send you greetings from the Komodo dragon species.
20:53For millennia, we have attempted to communicate our message of peace through the language of dance,
20:58an effort that proved futile due to our splayed inflexible hips,
21:02which, unlike those of your South American chanteuse Shakira, do nothing but lie.
21:09Now at last, we can share with you our poetry, our medical breakthroughs,
21:14and our deep understanding of the mathematics that underlie reality.
21:18But first, are you going to eat that boy? Because if you're not, I would sure like to.
21:22Or we could split him. How do you say? Splitsies?
21:26Yummy, yummy boy.
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