- 2 months ago
The episode title references a character, possibly a "Mr. Gossett," who may be involved in a humorous or problematic situation, as the show was known for its comedic plots involving a World War II submarine crew and their interactions with rescued nurses.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I'll be right back.
00:30You shouldn't try to lift the 100-pound valve block by yourself.
00:51Maui tells me.
00:53Major, do you want me to adjust your burden?
00:54No, don't touch me.
00:55Don't touch me.
00:57Edna?
00:58What?
00:59Edna.
01:00I have a letter for you.
01:02If it's from my chiropractor, I'm going to ram you.
01:05What's wrong?
01:06What's wrong?
01:07What does this look like?
01:09Looks like you lost your bowling ball.
01:11That's not very funny, Mr. Holden.
01:12She wrenched her back.
01:14We have to get her to her bunk.
01:15Oh, have a money.
01:16I'll be here.
01:18Okay.
01:19Hold on to me here.
01:20Oh, okay.
01:21Gently.
01:22Very gently.
01:23Gently.
01:24She said gently.
01:25Yes.
01:26Gently.
01:27Oh, no.
01:28I think I have a problem with my wife.
01:30What's the trouble, Fred?
01:31Right in the middle of the letter, she calls me Dear Jerry.
01:34That's dumb jerk.
01:35Hey.
01:36Goodness.
01:37Anything for me?
01:39You're the big winner.
01:40Ta-da!
01:40Hey, Gossett.
01:42How come we always have to pick up your mail for you?
01:44And how come you never come ashore with us, not for anything, not even a beer?
01:48Because I prefer a more intellectual crowd.
01:51When I'm out with you guys, the only thing with a head on it is the beer.
01:56If there weren't cookies in there, I'd take that as a personal insult.
02:00The line forms here.
02:02Oh, wait, wait.
02:03What are you going out of business for?
02:05Oh, you'd hate them.
02:06My aunt's a lousy cook.
02:08If they're homemade, they can't be all bad.
02:10You want a bad?
02:11They're broccoli chip.
02:13I'd better get rid of these.
02:15Okay.
02:15We've got a hatch.
02:16Oh, oh.
02:17Oh, I can't.
02:18Oh, no.
02:19No, Gossett, don't tailgate.
02:21Fragile cargo.
02:22Excuse me, Major.
02:23It's okay.
02:24It's okay.
02:25All right.
02:25Okay.
02:25Okay, move it.
02:26Okay.
02:27Now, I'm going to step through here.
02:28You hang on.
02:32Engine room.
02:33This is the captain.
02:34Check the ventilation.
02:35There isn't any.
02:38Come in.
02:40Captain?
02:41No.
02:41Permission to speak to you, sir.
02:42It's confidential.
02:44No, go ahead.
02:45Sir, I, uh, I don't know where to begin.
02:48Well, it's starting the middle, Gossett.
02:50Beginnings are always boring.
02:51There's $5,000 in this tin.
02:56Go back to the beginning.
02:58I guess the best place to start would be with my name.
03:02Not that far back.
03:03It's very important, sir.
03:04You see, my full name is Harold Hampshire Gossett III.
03:08Sorry about that, Gossett.
03:10I belong to a very prominent, old-line, uh, Boston family.
03:15Up until I was 17, I used to talk like this.
03:20And I couldn't stand myself.
03:23I can understand that.
03:24And the only other living member of my family is Aunt Felicia, who's continually trying to spoil me.
03:31She sent me this tin of homemade cookies and $5,000.
03:38You sure that $5,000 isn't homemade, too?
03:41No, sir.
03:41It's real.
03:43Aunt Felicia has no sense of reality.
03:45To her, this is, uh, this is pin money.
03:47It's for snacks.
03:48Well, that's not too unrealistic, Gossett.
03:51You never know when you might have a craving for, uh, 500,000 pieces of bubble gum.
03:58Uh, Captain, uh, I don't want the guys to know about this.
04:02Can you, uh, keep it in a safe place until I get a chance to return it?
04:07Sure.
04:07All right, Gossett.
04:08Go.
04:08You know, I'm, uh, I'm, well, uh, flabbergasted, I guess that's the word.
04:17You don't look like old money.
04:20Thank you, sir.
04:33Tastes like broccoli.
04:35Wait a minute, I like broccoli.
04:38Oh, it's a good cookie.
04:55Okay, Uncle, I'll take over.
04:57Thanks a lot.
04:58Gossett, we're gonna be famous.
05:00Admiral Summers wants to see Captain Sherman and Lieutenant Holden immediately.
05:03How does that make us famous?
05:04It's about a reporter from Life magazine who's gonna do a story on us?
05:08On us?
05:09Just think, our faces are gonna be on every coffee table in the country.
05:13And a year later in every dentist's office.
05:17Captain Sherman!
05:18All right, we're in the final stretch.
05:24We're almost there.
05:26Hold on for a divorce.
05:27Good news!
05:28We're gonna be in Life magazine!
05:29Hooray!
05:30Be right with you.
05:31Come in.
05:33What is it?
05:34Well, sir, Admiral Summers wants to see you and Lieutenant Holden immediately, sir.
05:38It's about life.
05:40His life or ours?
05:41No, no, no.
05:42It's about Life magazine, sir.
05:43They're doing a picture story on us.
05:45Well, they must be scraping the bottom of the barrel for news.
05:47I think I'll cancel my subscription.
05:50That's all.
05:51I don't go.
05:51That'll be all.
05:52I'll take the message.
05:53Yes, sir.
05:54Well.
06:00What's up, Gossett?
06:01Or should I say, what's down?
06:02Uh, it's nothing, Lieutenant.
06:04Come on, Gossett.
06:05I've been in too many jams not to recognize the face of a man who's in one.
06:10Lieutenant, I can't talk about it.
06:12Gossett, look.
06:13Everyone has to unburden themselves to someone.
06:16That's why we have mothers, priests, bartenders, and lieutenants junior grade.
06:22Lieutenant, if that photographer takes a picture of me, I'm finished.
06:27On the contrary, Gossett, I think you have a very pleasant face.
06:29They can always touch up the beady eyes.
06:32Lieutenant, this is serious.
06:34I'm wanted in Seattle.
06:40By whom and for what?
06:43Bank robbery.
06:44Never mind the whom.
06:45I didn't do it, sir.
06:46Of course you didn't.
06:48I thank you.
06:50What makes you think they think you did?
06:51Well, somebody broke into the trunk of my car and stole my polo mallet and my skeet gun.
06:58Your polo mallet and your skeet gun?
07:01Yes, sir.
07:02And they used the gun in the holdup.
07:04You weren't in the bank?
07:05No, sir.
07:06I was outside the bank, running down the street.
07:10The wind blew my hat off.
07:11Were there any witnesses to the holdup?
07:13Yes, sir.
07:14And unfortunately, they described a man who looks a lot like me.
07:20Yes, sir.
07:21Now tell me, does that look anything like me?
07:23No.
07:26Mr. Holden here?
07:27I know, sir.
07:27Mr. Holden?
07:28Yes, sir.
07:29Right here.
07:29Let's go.
07:30We have to see Admiral Summers.
07:32We're going to move on.
07:33Good picture of glasses there.
07:34Oh, good.
07:34Captain Sherman.
07:43Hello, Mr. Summers.
07:44Good to see you.
07:45Not as good as it is to see you.
07:46Oh, he's got a way with words.
07:48He has a way with everything.
07:49How are you?
07:50Oh, I feel apprehensive.
07:51We're going to Port Moresby tonight, and we have to fly.
07:54Oh, you have a fear of flying?
07:55No, a fear of crashing.
07:58Chairman, Holden.
08:00I kind of think the Admiral wants to see you.
08:02Oh, thank you.
08:03Would you excuse us?
08:04Good to see you.
08:05Admiral, good morning.
08:06Yes, good morning, good morning.
08:07You're looking resplendent, sir.
08:09I'm looking resplendent.
08:10Yes, sir.
08:11All right, what's the problem aboard the Sea Tiger?
08:14Problem, sir.
08:15Yeah, his problem.
08:16You see, every time this man compliments me, I know that your boat is having a problem.
08:21It's the foul-up flagship of the Navy.
08:25Well, that way, sir.
08:26Why did you pick us to do the story?
08:28Pick you?
08:29Who said I picked you?
08:31Your boat happens to be the only one in port at the present time.
08:34That'll give you an idea how my luck is running.
08:37And by the way, I don't want any nurses aboard that boat when that man McGregor comes to take those pictures.
08:43Why not?
08:44Because I don't want McGregor's story to be about women aboard a submarine.
08:47That sells magazines, but I want to tell the real story.
08:51Of course, the real story.
08:53What is that, sir?
08:54That the men who serve aboard submarines are volunteers.
08:57They're men of special breed and character.
09:03That won't cause me any problems, will it?
09:05Not at all, sir.
09:07Good.
09:08Make sure that it doesn't, because when McGregor shows me those pictures, I don't want to see anything that will discredit the Navy.
09:12There won't be any foul-ups, sir.
09:15Are you sure?
09:16Positive.
09:17You can bank on it.
09:19I hope so.
09:20Something wrong, Lieutenant?
09:24You seem preoccupied.
09:25We got a problem, Captain.
09:27Oh, I don't think so.
09:28Nurses understand why they have to vacate the boat.
09:30That's not the problem, sir.
09:31I mean, Gossett.
09:32That's an incredible story, isn't it?
09:35Well, Skipper, I can't believe you're reacting to Gossett's story like this.
09:39You're treating it like it's no big deal.
09:40Well, it's no big deal, really.
09:43Gossett's a mature young man.
09:44He'll make the necessary adjustments.
09:46He'll know how to handle the money.
09:47Yeah, but he's got the money?
09:49Well, he doesn't have it all.
09:50It's just $5,000.
09:51How do you know that?
09:52He gave it to me.
09:54And you took it?
09:55I had to take it.
09:56If he put the tin in the cruise quarters, they go for the cookies and find the money.
09:59Wait a minute.
09:59Are we talking about the money from the bank?
10:01We're talking about the money from Aunt Felicia.
10:04Who is Aunt Felicia?
10:05What story did Gossett tell you?
10:08That he's from a wealthy Bostonian family.
10:10What did he tell you?
10:11He told me he was wanted for bank robbery in Seattle.
10:13Captain, I'm telling you, sir, both stories are true.
10:17I have a wealthy aunt, and I'm also wanted for bank robbery.
10:21Oh, boy.
10:23Gossett, tell me.
10:24Isn't there someone, somewhere, some human being who can prove you're innocent?
10:28There's only one person who knew I wasn't in the bank at the time of the robbery.
10:32Who's that?
10:33The one-armed man who caught my hat when it blew off.
10:36The one-armed man?
10:38Yes, sir.
10:39I've been looking for him for over a year, but I never caught up with him.
10:43The last I heard, he was working in a bar in New Guinea.
10:48Working in a bar in New Guinea.
10:52Okay, all right, Gossett.
10:54We'll work that over later.
10:57Figure out what to do.
10:59In the meantime, we've got to get you off the boat.
11:01You're going to leave with the nurses.
11:03It's not going to be very easy.
11:05Major Hayward isn't leaving.
11:06She's stuck in the hatch.
11:07Stuck in the hatch?
11:08Yeah.
11:09How'd she get in the hatch?
11:10I don't know.
11:10Ask her.
11:11Oh!
11:14I better give you a shot, Major.
11:16No, please, please.
11:17I hate shots.
11:18I can't stand the sight of a needle in me.
11:21Well, where you're going to get it, you won't see it.
11:23Oh!
11:24I'm going to give her a shot.
11:25How long before the shot takes a...
11:27Oh!
11:27Two years, because that's how long it's going to take to pin me down and give it to me.
11:30Oh!
11:31Captain, when's the photographer coming on board?
11:33Relax, Gossett.
11:34Where are the times we can go, Fax?
11:36They went ashore some time ago, sir.
11:37All right.
11:38Find someone who knows where they are and have them keep them ashore.
11:41All right?
11:42Okay.
11:42Yes.
11:46Ah, Captain.
11:47Phil McGregor.
11:48Ah, Matt Sherman.
11:48I heard your ship was pink.
11:50Why is it?
11:51It's pink?
11:53Actually, it's a bureaucratic foul-up.
11:55I think I've requisitioned gray paint, oh, possibly a hundred times, and every time they've turned me down.
12:00Because they don't have any?
12:01No, of course not.
12:02If they didn't have any, they wouldn't turn me down.
12:05See?
12:05You can only get what they don't have, right?
12:07Right.
12:08Actually, pink works to our advantage.
12:09When we come back after a few beers, we know which boat is ours.
12:14Captain, I also hear that you're running a co-educational submarine.
12:18Yeah, I've heard that, too.
12:19The possibilities boggled them up.
12:22Captain?
12:23Ah, this is Lieutenant Holden.
12:24This is Phil McGregor.
12:25Lieutenant Holden, he's our communications officer.
12:29Permission to conduct the typhoon drill, sir?
12:33Permission, Grant.
12:33Thanks.
12:35Okay, team, let's go.
12:37Top side.
12:37What do you say?
12:38Let's move it.
12:38Come on.
12:39Look alive.
12:40Step through.
12:41Look alive.
12:41Look alive.
12:42Don't have all day.
12:43Let's go.
12:44Move it.
12:45Move it.
12:45Move it.
12:45Come on.
12:47This is just a drill.
12:48Move it.
12:49Move it.
12:50Move it.
12:51Go.
12:52Let's get up that letter in here.
12:52Come on.
12:53Move along.
12:54That's it.
12:55Come on.
12:58Move it.
12:58Move it.
12:59Move it.
13:01Typhoon drills?
13:01Right.
13:02Typhoon season is two months away.
13:04Of course.
13:04But you don't have a fire drill during the fire, do you, Phil?
13:07Lieutenant, aren't there four members of your drill team?
13:09We couldn't find the fourth outfit, sir.
13:11I see.
13:12Where do you think Phil should start photographing the boat?
13:15Oh, I think perhaps the aft torpedo room.
13:17That's fascinating back there.
13:19And then he could just leisurely work his way forward.
13:21Right.
13:22That way we know the right man is in the right place.
13:23Right.
13:24That's right.
13:24Right.
13:24Captain, I realize that you and Admiral Summers are trying to sell the Navy, but I'm trying
13:29to sell magazines.
13:30So if it's all the same to you, I'd like to zero in on one particular member and get
13:34his own personal story.
13:35Hunkwood.
13:36Oh, what a wonderful idea.
13:37Oh, incredible story.
13:38Graduate of Artuma High.
13:40Mm-hmm.
13:41Cornhusking champion.
13:42That's right.
13:42Yeah, expert, expert juggler.
13:44And part-time square dance caller, class of 38.
13:47I already have someone in mind.
13:49Oh.
13:50Oh, well.
13:51I like to shoot semen gossip.
13:54So would I.
13:55Of course, I realize that you can't show favoritism on your boat, but you can hide
13:59the fact that Harold Hampshire Gossett III is the heir to the Gossett apple, but a fortune.
14:04Our Hampshire?
14:05Mm-hmm.
14:06What is this?
14:09Who are there?
14:10Who are you?
14:11What are you doing here?
14:13What?
14:14Who lets you aboard this boat?
14:16Oh, I.
14:16Oh, Ensign, what's this?
14:17Ensign, Stoneman.
14:18Stoneman.
14:19Stoneman, get down here.
14:20I'm a double.
14:21I'm sorry about this, you know.
14:22It's no wonder we have a reputation of having women aboard.
14:24Sir, I apologize, sir.
14:26I'm as appalled as you are.
14:27You called me, sir?
14:29Ensign Stovall, a man on watch, is supposed to do more than just watch.
14:32Now, how did these nurses get here?
14:33Please, sir, don't blame him.
14:34It's not his fault.
14:35I told him.
14:36We said that's absolutely true.
14:37Uh, sir.
14:38What?
14:38Sir?
14:39I'm having a real problem, sir.
14:40We don't.
14:41You're not supposed to be here.
14:42Oh, we didn't know our coming on board would get you in trouble.
14:45Oh.
14:45What?
14:45Oh, we just wanted to tell you the luau is on for tonight.
14:48The luau?
14:49Yes, and you can bring all your friends.
14:52Forgive us, sir.
14:53Sir, sir.
14:54Mr. Watson, you can find a quarters.
14:59But, sir.
15:00This latest shenanigans gonna go on your record.
15:03Dismissed.
15:04No.
15:07Does that happen often?
15:08I'm afraid so.
15:09Tell you the truth, we have trouble keeping the women away from, uh, Torpedo Tom.
15:14I imagine it's as difficult as getting a picture of Gossett.
15:18You missed half the typhoon drill already.
15:20Come on, move it, move it.
15:21McGregor, I don't think you're gonna find Gossett.
15:23Captain, what do you say we cut out the high jinx on the high seas?
15:27Look, I don't know what's going on around here.
15:29What with typhoon drills and nurses that come aboard by mistake, and I really don't care.
15:33But if I don't get that picture of Gossett, I'm gonna get very interested.
15:38You trying to threaten me, McGregor?
15:40I'd like to suggest you pack up your camera and leave the boat.
15:45Captain, it's no use, sir.
15:47You can't hide me any longer.
15:49I'm Gossett.
15:51Let's go over the story one more time.
15:53Oh, boy.
15:54Okay, there's a bank holdup.
15:56Yeah.
15:56Gossett doesn't know about it for three days until he reads about it in the newspaper
16:00and sees a composite sketch that looks like him.
16:03Huh?
16:04The article says the weapon used was a skeet gun.
16:08Gossett goes to his car and discovers that his skeet gun is missing from the trunk.
16:13He also realizes that he was in the vicinity of the bank at the time of the holdup.
16:17So much for circumstantial evidence.
16:19What else do you have?
16:19The only witness who can clear him is a one-armed bartender
16:22who unfortunately left the country the day after the bank robbery
16:25and now is somewhere in New Guinea.
16:28Captain, if you were a judge and heard that story, what would you think?
16:31Well, I'd say if the judge were Gossett's mother, he'd get about 30 years.
16:37Yeah, Captain.
16:38Ah, Gossett.
16:40Sir, request permission to go ashore.
16:42I'm turning myself in.
16:43I'm not gonna embarrass the Navy, the Sea Tiger, or you, sir.
16:46Permission denied.
16:47Gossett, sit down.
16:48Take a load off.
16:50Now, how sure are you that this one-armed man is in New Guinea?
16:54Very sure, sir.
16:55He's working in Port Moresby.
16:58All right.
16:59Have Mr. Watson chart a course for Port Moresby.
17:02Oh, Captain, you can't do that.
17:03Relax, Gossett.
17:04We're gonna be in and out of there before anybody knows about it.
17:07Sir, taking the boat that far off course could get you into a lot of trouble.
17:11You could get court-martialed.
17:12You could lose a stripe.
17:14Gossett, just stick to getting into trouble.
17:15Don't go into details.
17:16But, sir, how can you get this boat ordered to Port Moresby?
17:19Why are you addressing something to me that is entirely Mr. Holden's concern?
17:23Thank you, sir, for the opportunity to serve.
17:26My pleasure.
17:27And would you try to arrange our orders to Port Moresby without attracting Admiral Summer's attention?
17:31Yes, sir.
17:32Of course.
17:32I will try.
17:33Using methods on which I would rather not speculate, Mr. Holden got us orders to proceed to New Guinea to pick up a load of splints and bandages.
17:41It was my fervent hope that our luck would hold out and we would not end up using them on ourselves.
17:46That's not a one-armed man.
17:53She has two of everything.
18:00Can I help you, fellas?
18:02Don't you have a one-armed bartender working here?
18:05Yeah.
18:06Say, I told you, he never fails.
18:07He comes in when we're short-handed.
18:10Well, you should be here any minute.
18:12Oh, no.
18:13We don't have a minute if we just walked in.
18:16I've missed the Airborne in the Summers.
18:18I knew I'd get you in trouble.
18:21There.
18:24You wanted to see me?
18:25You recognize this man?
18:27The cowlick's not familiar.
18:28Has he got a face?
18:32Bashful, isn't he?
18:34What would you like?
18:35I'd like a rum cooler, please.
18:36Yeah, rum cooler.
18:37That's fine for me, too.
18:39Well, they took a booth.
18:40We're right in their line of fire.
18:42Uh, could we talk in the back room?
18:44Sorry, but I just came on duty.
18:46Seattle, remember?
18:47You caught my hat.
18:49Hey, pal, I can't remember every hat I catch.
18:51I'm trying to think.
18:52He was chasing your hat.
18:54You, uh, you, you were chasing his hat.
18:58Nick Holden, is that you?
19:02Goodbye, all.
19:03Excuse me.
19:05Thanks.
19:09Admiral, Mrs. Summers, how are you?
19:10What are you doing here?
19:12Just waiting for you to tell me what you're doing here.
19:15Oh, I had a little 24-hour leave and just thought I'd fly down here alone and unwind.
19:20Hello.
19:22Then that couldn't be Commander Sherman hunched over the bar, huh?
19:25No, couldn't be.
19:26All right.
19:31Tell me the true story, Holden.
19:35True story.
19:35Yes, sir.
19:41Um, Admiral, the fact is, one of our men is suspected of bank robbery back in the States,
19:48and that one-armed bartender there is the only one who can prove he's innocent, and that's
19:52why we're here.
19:53Now, uh, how about the true story?
19:56That is the true story, sir.
19:57It is, Edgar.
19:59When Nick isn't telling the truth, he sounds much more convincing.
20:05Admiral, Mrs. Summers.
20:07Commander.
20:08Captain, I told the Admiral our story.
20:10Everything but the ending.
20:11Yeah, how did it come out?
20:12The bartender can clear gossip.
20:14Oh, good.
20:15Sir, I realize that our presence here in Port Moresby is unexpected, but I can assure you
20:20that we are traveling under orders.
20:22Yes, I can imagine where those orders came from.
20:27Sir, my decision to take this action is based partially on something that you yourself said.
20:31Do you remember, Edgar?
20:33No, but I'm sure the Commander's about to refresh my memory.
20:36You said that the men who serve aboard a submarine are of a special breed and character.
20:43Nothing could be more true, sir.
20:44And I simply didn't want to lose one of those very special men.
20:48Well, I'm flattered, Commander, that my words are so indelibly etched in your mind.
20:52I have one other thing to add, which I hope will be quoted with the same accuracy.
20:56What's that, sir?
20:57Goodbye.
21:05There you are, Gossett.
21:07And with the affidavit from the one-armed man, I think your worries are over.
21:11Not quite, sir.
21:12First, I'd like to give this money to the Navy Relief.
21:17Well, that's very generous of you, Gossett.
21:18And second, there's still the problem of my wealthy family.
21:22You have my sympathy.
21:24It's possible that when the men learn that I'm heir to a fortune,
21:28they might act differently toward me.
21:30Oh, nonsense, Gossett.
21:31I think you're just borrowing trouble.
21:33But it's true, sir.
21:34And I'm concerned.
21:35Well, Gossett, if you're that concerned,
21:37why don't you just ask your Aunt Felicia to cut you out of her will?
21:40Sir, I said I was concerned.
21:43Not crazy.
21:44Afternoon, Gossett.
21:45There are a lot of things in this world more important than money.
21:49That's right.
21:49And with your wealth, you can buy all of them.
21:52Oh, yes.
22:17¶¶
Be the first to comment