- 2 months ago
During World War II, a commander finds himself stuck with a decrepit (and pink) submarine, a con man executive officer, and a group of army nurses.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00The End
01:00It had been several months since the nurses came aboard the Sea Tiger.
01:04Several months of legs, lace, lips, brief encounters, and encounters in briefs.
01:20It became quite apparent that if we remained submerged, the urge to merge would emerge.
01:25Sir, we have to do something to eliminate the wearing of shorts on this boat.
01:28Why? I think you have very attractive legs.
01:31The nurses cannot go around in towels.
01:34Well, I agree, Mr. Watson, but we can't let them go around without them.
01:38I'm serious. Have a cup of cold coffee, Mr. Watson.
01:42Sir, the problem as I see it is that the men are getting antsy.
01:46Sex is the only thing that's on their minds. I think it's because we've been underwater for 26 days.
01:51Well, if you count the cold showers, 30 days.
01:53Sir, we have to do something to divert their sexual cravings.
01:57What do you suggest, Mr. Watson?
02:00How about a chess tournament?
02:02It's too late. One of our cravers copped the queen and a knight we're not too sure about.
02:06It seems that every time we find a solution to the problem, we come up with a bigger problem.
02:11Mr. Watson to the control room. Mr. Watson to the control room.
02:14Uh, excuse me, sir.
02:19Mr. Holden, this problem's really going to tax your ingenuity, but I think you're up to the task.
02:26Get the men's minds off sex.
02:28Oh, sure. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
02:30I should be back in about a month. Possibly alive.
02:36Morning, George.
02:38I'm starting, sir.
02:42Morning, Captain.
02:43Morning, Lieutenant.
02:44Would you like your coffee warmed?
02:46Well, uh, sure. What are my chances of your getting it in the cup?
02:5150-50.
02:53All right, I'll take those chances.
02:56Captain, I have to talk to you. May I sit down?
02:58Yeah, of course.
03:01It's confidential.
03:05Uh, Gallardo?
03:06Uh, hmm?
03:07Yes, sir.
03:14All right, Lieutenant, you have my confidence.
03:17Captain, I know you're preoccupied with the running of your boat, and you may not be aware of something that's happening right in front of your eyes.
03:26Well, I'm, I'm somewhat aware.
03:28This boat is a powder keg of emotions.
03:30Who knows who will set off the first explosive?
03:33Have there been any, uh, manifestations of, uh, overt acts?
03:37The Phantom Pinscher is back.
03:39Every time Lieutenant Reed enters the passageway, she's pinched like clockwork.
03:42Two hands.
03:44And there have been 33 incidents in the past week where people have entered our quarters without knocking.
03:5033, huh?
03:51Mm-hmm.
03:51Can you name the men?
03:52Yes, Hunkle.
03:54Hunkle?
03:55Hunkle.
03:55I don't understand.
03:58Ah!
03:58Oh, oh, oh, oh.
04:00You're so sorry.
04:01Uh, huh.
04:03Here, let me help you.
04:05I know.
04:07I hope you better, uh, you better, uh, do that.
04:10Okay.
04:11Ah, I can't believe I did that.
04:17Oh, um, that's okay.
04:19I'll get out of this and I'll be right back.
04:21Okay.
04:23Hansel Stumble?
04:25Yes, sir?
04:25Oh, Stumble.
04:27Ah, look, uh, set course for Koo Singh.
04:29I have to talk to Captain, Captain Milgram and, uh, get sure leave for the men and, uh, for myself.
04:35Yes, sir.
04:36Oh, sir.
04:37Yeah.
04:37The Phantom Pinscher has struck again.
04:39Oh, you attacked one of the nurses?
04:40No.
04:41Me.
04:42He needs glasses.
04:45I hope.
04:52Oh.
04:52Thank you for your help, Steve.
04:58We'll be underway first thing in the morning.
05:00Goodbye, Harry.
05:00Captain Milgram.
05:01And goodbye, Sherman.
05:02Just take a minute.
05:03Harry Baxter.
05:04Oh, Matt Sherman.
05:05Oh, the Pink Submarine.
05:08We spotted you when we came in this morning.
05:10Oh, you're on the transport.
05:11Right.
05:12You're riding kind of low in the water.
05:14What are you carrying?
05:15You name it, we've got it.
05:17Don't name it.
05:17They'll get it.
05:18Yeah, I know all about your reputation, Commander.
05:22You guys have lifted more equipment than the Longshoremen's Union.
05:26But you won't be interested in what we've got.
05:28Just army stuff.
05:29Construction equipment for an advanced air base, uniforms, blankets, sheets, food supplies.
05:35Any fig noodles?
05:36I'll see you.
05:39Captain, permission to bring my men ashore.
05:41Negative.
05:42Sir, my men need rest and recreation.
05:44They've had a rough month.
05:46I'm not going to have my port pillaged by your pirates.
05:49Captain, no matter how you try to hide it, I sense hostility toward me and my men.
05:54There have been 97 offenses against this port by your crew.
05:58If there is a 98th, I'll have your stripes and bust your men.
06:03Do you read me?
06:04Commander, I don't hear you.
06:07If you did, sir, it would be number 98.
06:13Hi.
06:13Mr. Holden, you've got to do something about the phantom pincher.
06:17He's running rampant.
06:19Yeah, he caught me in the control room.
06:20And he got me in the conning tower.
06:22That's more painful than the control room.
06:24He's truly getting, if you'll pardon the expression, out of hand.
06:27That's exactly the pardoning expression.
06:29All right, ladies, ladies, just relax.
06:31We'll sit down and talk about this.
06:34Maybe Gallardo can help us.
06:38Gallardo?
06:38Yeah, maybe he can put something in the men's food.
06:41Yeah, maybe he can put food in the food.
06:43There are a lot of men out there, and they're getting bitter looking all the time.
06:47Nick, you've got to do something, and quickly, or we may not be accountable for our own actions.
06:51I may not do anything.
06:54We need space.
06:56There has to be somewhere where everyone can go.
07:00Somewhere without running into someone somewhere.
07:04An island.
07:05That's a better way of saying it.
07:08Oh, but an island's perfect.
07:10Yes, there is an island, sir.
07:12It's about seven miles due west of here.
07:14It's called Canelay.
07:16The perfect place for us to let off some steam, sir.
07:19Excuse me.
07:21Oh, sure.
07:22Look, look.
07:22Excuse me.
07:23Yep.
07:23Oh, my.
07:24Excuse me.
07:25The sooner the better.
07:27Captain, Canelay has a waterfall, a lagoon, sandy beaches.
07:33It's one of the most beautiful spots on the face of the earth.
07:36Thank you, Johnson.
07:38Captain, you see, I feel that a few hours on Canelay would bring everyone's temperature back to normal.
07:42It'd bring Milgram down on us.
07:44Oh, no.
07:44Who's going to tell him?
07:45I don't know, but I'm still not convinced.
07:46Ouch!
07:46All right.
07:52We better go to that island.
07:53Oh, great.
07:54Great.
07:54I'll make you.
07:54Oh, Lieutenant, don't break out your beach umbrella.
07:57You're standing on board the boat.
07:58No.
07:58Why?
07:59Why?
08:00Well, I want to keep this sub submerged with you and a skeleton crew.
08:03I don't want to run into any chance of danger with enemy aircraft.
08:05No, wait, sir.
08:06Lieutenant Watson is the officer of the deck.
08:09He's leaving you and five nurses on a tropical island is like leaving a rooster with tennis shoes
08:13in a hen house.
08:13Sir, sir, excuse me, but what about the tensions of those of us left on board?
08:17Well, you're in luck, Lieutenant, until you have to shower all yourselves and spray and play.
08:37Look, it's on the front.
08:39Oh.
08:41Don't kiss him.
08:42With all luck, you'll turn into a pinching cringe.
08:45Dooley, Dooley, come on, Dooley, I'm open.
08:48Throw it.
08:50Horwich, you can't go in there.
08:52But that's my coconut.
08:53That's off limits.
08:54The nurses are still swimming in the lagoon.
08:56Sir, that's my lucky coconut.
08:58Not today it isn't.
08:59Go get yourself another one.
09:02Yes, Lieutenant.
09:05Aircraft at two o'clock, sir.
09:06Yeah, that's one of ours.
09:07You know, sir, I was a little apprehensive about this impromptu rest and relaxation.
09:16It seems to have relieved a great deal of tension.
09:18For some of us.
09:20With the captain's permission, I'd like to join in.
09:22All right, Mr. Watson, but it's a rough game.
09:24Take care you don't hurt yourself.
09:26You sounded just like my mother.
09:28Thank you very much, sir.
09:30How about you, Mr. Stovall?
09:31You like to join in the game?
09:33Oh, no, sir.
09:34I'd rather go look for Horwich's coconut.
09:37I feel like I just dove in and picked your postcard.
09:40I could stay here forever.
09:42Forever is now.
09:43It's the guy's turn to swim.
09:45They laid a hand on you.
09:47How'd you learn to run like that?
09:48My first car had no floorboards.
09:53Hey, hey, Williams.
09:54Go out.
10:01Sorry.
10:02It's the wind again.
10:11Somebody took our clothes.
10:13Oh, no.
10:14Oh, no.
10:14Nick must have been here.
10:16Maybe they blew off.
10:17Look, they're in the stream.
10:19Oh, Captain.
10:28Where does the stream go?
10:30I don't know.
10:31I know.
10:32Into a bigger stream.
10:33The ocean.
10:34Oh, no.
10:36What are we going to do?
10:37I don't know.
10:38Hmm.
10:47There's something else.
10:49Thank you, Horwich.
10:51Hi, Nick.
10:52Hi, Nick.
10:52Well, Captain, I'm glad things worked out so smoothly.
11:04Trade winds blew the nurses' clothes away, Lieutenant.
11:06Trade winds.
11:07Trade winds.
11:08I'll have to remember that one, sir.
11:09Remembering what Commander Baxter said about his transport ship carrying army uniforms,
11:17I returned to Koo Sing to outfit our nurses.
11:21And since the transport was docked on the other side of the island,
11:24I called upon Holden's travel agency to provide us with suitable transportation.
11:28Let me check and see what we got back there.
11:33Fine.
11:36Nick Holden.
11:38Jerry!
11:40Jerry, what are you doing here?
11:41I'm flying reconnaissance for Captain Mildred.
11:43And you?
11:44I'm on the Sea Tiger.
11:45The boat with the nurses.
11:47I heard about that.
11:47Speaking of girls, I took a picture of something yesterday that will absolutely fracture you.
11:52Oh, great.
11:52I could use a lot.
11:54I'm flying over an island, and I see these five native girls swimming in a lagoon in the buff.
12:01Oh, my, my, my.
12:04They certainly are native girls, aren't they?
12:09Jerry, what are you going to do with this picture?
12:13Well, I've got to turn it into Captain Milgram.
12:15Hey, Lieutenant.
12:15Yeah.
12:16Do you have a phone call?
12:17Oh, thanks.
12:18Excuse me.
12:18Right.
12:20Lieutenant Wilson.
12:26Captain, could I speak to you for a moment?
12:31What is the wrong, Lieutenant?
12:34When's the last time you had your heart checked?
12:35Why?
12:36That good gander.
12:47Where'd you get this?
12:58In front of mine, Jerry's a reconnaissance pilot.
13:01He took it.
13:02Pretty nifty shot, right, Commander?
13:04Right, Jerry.
13:07You'd better get hold of this.
13:08Yes, sir, I'll be there in ten minutes.
13:16Jerry, old buddy.
13:18How'd you like to do a lonely man a big favor?
13:20Make him very happy?
13:22No, not me.
13:22No, I want you to sell me that picture so that I can give it as a gift to my beloved Skipper.
13:29I can't.
13:30I can't.
13:30Oh, come on, Jerry.
13:31Please.
13:32Come on.
13:32Look at him.
13:33Look.
13:33Look at the pleasure in that minute.
13:34Look.
13:35Look how much the picture means to him, Jerry.
13:38Look how it makes his eyes sparkle.
13:40Come on.
13:40I can't, Nick.
13:41I have to turn that picture into Captain Milgram.
13:43Oh, come on, Jerry.
13:44Oh, come on.
13:44Fifty bucks.
13:46I'm sorry, Commander.
13:47I have to have that picture.
13:49You know, Jerry, I couldn't help overhearing.
13:52I think you make a big mistake turning this picture in.
13:57Why is that, sir?
13:58Well, you're supposed to be on a reconnaissance mission, not shooting pin-up pictures.
14:03Oh, thank you for your concern, sir.
14:05But, you see, I've already talked to Captain Milgram about this.
14:08He's very anxious to see this.
14:10I do, sir.
14:11Lieutenant?
14:12Yes.
14:12Your chief is ready up back.
14:14Nick, good seeing you again.
14:15Oh, Jerry.
14:16Jerry.
14:16Good to see you, buddy, Commander.
14:17You bet.
14:18You bet.
14:19Take care, Doc.
14:22Oh.
14:23About 20 minutes, Milgram's going to be aware of our water nymphs.
14:26And if he ever sees the nurses in anything other than their uniforms,
14:29he's going to put two and two together.
14:30We'll come up with foul-up number 98.
14:31Right.
14:32We've got to get the girls back to the boat promptly.
14:33Yes, but not as nurses dressed as men.
14:36You know, we're going to have to hide their hair.
14:38Make them look like real sailors.
14:39Yeah?
14:39Yeah.
14:40Okay.
14:41Now, what can I do for you, Commander?
14:43Uh, see that white hat over there?
14:45Uh, I'd like to borrow that.
14:46Yes, sir.
14:47And could you scrounge up about four more?
14:49Uh, we'll have them back in an hour.
14:51Uh, yes, sir.
14:51All right, I'll get the nurses back to the boat.
14:55You go to the transport ship, get the uniforms.
14:57Right.
14:58And just one more thing.
14:59Uh, I remember you said, uh, I believe I'm quoting you accurately.
15:03Uh, a few hours on Connelly will bring everyone's temperature back to normal.
15:09End of quote.
15:10Yeah, I believe you did.
15:11You were wrong.
15:12I'm boiling.
15:13Okay, here you go, Commander.
15:15Thank you very much.
15:17Excellent.
15:18Captain.
15:19All right.
15:21Now, what can I do for you?
15:22I need a jeep and a Harry Carey knife.
15:27I'll return one or the other.
15:32Uh, Commander, could you men give me a hand?
15:34We may have to push this.
15:35I'm sorry, Sergeant, but we're on a secret mission.
15:38It's just been scrubbed.
15:42All right, men, at ease.
15:43Let's give them a hand.
15:45All right, thank you, Commander.
15:46Oh, you're welcome, General.
15:48General, are you on the transport?
15:50I, I, I thought you were only carrying...
15:53You have troops.
15:54Then you must have nurses.
15:56Oh, oh, oh, General.
16:00You don't know how long I...
16:02Oh, if you only knew.
16:04You know what it's like being a pig submarine with five nurses and a girdle?
16:10General, am I glad to see you.
16:12Those men aren't men.
16:14Are you all right, Commander?
16:15Those men are women.
16:17Men, take off your hats.
16:20You men are women.
16:24We're, uh, Army nurses, General.
16:26I'm Major Hayward.
16:27Uh, with the General Hump.
16:28And these are Lieutenant Crandall, Lieutenant Reed, Colfax, and Durant.
16:32Hi.
16:33Ladies, what are you doing here at Cousin?
16:35Well, uh, Captain Sherman rescued us from Atoya Island during an enemy attack,
16:39and ever since then, it's been one snafu after another.
16:43We've been on his boat for an eternity, sir.
16:45General, request permission to transfer the nurses to your command.
16:48Oh, granted, granted.
16:50Oh!
16:51Uh, I'll need your records to cut your orders.
16:53Oh, but our records were destroyed, sir, when we were evacuated from the island.
16:58No records?
17:00No records?
17:01Can't you transfer the nurses without records?
17:03It can't be done.
17:05I was at the Pentagon.
17:06I know.
17:07Without records, I would have nothing to sign.
17:09They would have nothing to stamp or file.
17:11Nothing would be in triplicate.
17:12We would be jeopardizing the very system on which this country is defended.
17:16But, General...
17:16Amanda, you better face the facts.
17:18Your nurses have no records.
17:20Ergo, you have no nurses.
17:21General, the vehicle is ready.
17:23Oh, thank you, Herman.
17:25Sorry about this, Commander.
17:27Ladies?
17:29All right, men.
17:30Hats on and double time.
17:31Sir, Captain Milgram's here.
17:40Ah, Captain Milgram.
17:42What an unexpected surprise.
17:43Is it?
17:44Hmm.
17:44I'm surprised I'm ever unexpected aboard your boat.
17:47Are the nurses present?
17:49Yes, sir.
17:50Good.
17:50I'd like to return something that belongs to one of them.
17:53Now, Lieutenant Weldon, would you open the bag, please?
17:56Yes, sir.
17:56I'm sure the commander will find the contents very interesting.
18:02Oh.
18:04Lieutenant Holden.
18:07Oh, Captain Milgram.
18:08What an unexpected surprise.
18:10Holden.
18:11Ah, you know, I'll just get out of your way here, sir.
18:13I just have to deliver these bricks of cheese to the galley for our cheesecake.
18:17Very well, Lieutenant.
18:19Oh, my God.
18:20Girls, get in these uniforms, quick.
18:24All right.
18:25Get in them.
18:26Come on.
18:26Where'd you get them?
18:27What?
18:27Give me one.
18:28Give me two years.
18:29The Lawrence.
18:29I got a shirt.
18:30Give me a shirt.
18:30I'm going to get out of here.
18:32Okay.
18:32Hurry up.
18:33Small.
18:35Now, we believe these to belong to one or more of your nurses.
18:38Oh, why do you say that, sir?
18:40Well, they were picked up by one of our PT boats.
18:42Well, there are hundreds of nurses in the South Pacific.
18:44What makes you think these clothes belong to ours?
18:47Well, they were picked up near Connelly Island.
18:49Now, that of itself is not significant, but one of our reconnaissance planes flew over
18:54the island and saw five women skinny dipping in a legume.
18:58And because we have five nurses on board, you assume that those bathers happen to be ours.
19:04Bullseye.
19:05Lieutenant.
19:07Yes, sir.
19:07Would you get the nurses, please?
19:09Oh, yes, sir.
19:10Yes, sir.
19:14Hurry, girls.
19:15Hurry.
19:15It's curtain time.
19:16I'll admit these are nurses' issue, Captain, but I don't see how you're going to prove
19:19that they belong to our nurses.
19:21Oh, don't you, Commander?
19:23Well, that shouldn't be too difficult.
19:25Your nurses were evacuated from an island.
19:27When they left, all they had were the clothes on their back.
19:31Should they return without clothes on their back, I'm going to get on your back.
19:35Well, that will be foul-up number 98.
19:39Captain Milgram, here are the nurses.
19:41Captain Milgram?
19:42Nice to see you again, Captain.
19:44Captain Milgram.
19:46Well, Captain, it looks like you just have to wait for old number 98.
19:50Well, goodbye, Commander.
19:52Captain, wouldn't you like to stay for some cotton?
19:54And some marvelous cheesecake?
19:56Sure.
19:56You know, these uniforms aren't a bad fit at all.
20:03It's amazing how Nick was able to guess our sizes.
20:06Well, he does have a feeling for that sort of thing.
20:09Yeah, he sure does.
20:10Sir?
20:11Yeah.
20:11Captain Milgram is back again.
20:14Captain Milgram, this really is an unexpected pleasure.
20:19Then it's always good to see you.
20:21We can dispense with the social graces, Sherman.
20:24I don't want coffee, cheesecake, or any tedious chit-chat.
20:27Well, then what brings you here, sir?
20:28A jeep.
20:29Just like the one Mr. Holden wrangled out of the motor pool
20:32to drive over to that transport ship
20:34where he so deftly conned the quartermaster
20:37out of five army nurses' uniforms.
20:41Hour, Mr. Holden?
20:43It's been some mistake, I'm sure.
20:45If you're so sure,
20:46then you won't mind contacting Commander Baxter
20:48to satisfy my suspicions?
20:50Well, not at all.
20:51But why bother with the middleman?
20:53Let's talk directly to General Howden.
20:56You do like to live dangerously, don't you?
20:59General Howden, sir.
21:02General, this is Captain Milgram.
21:06Oh, Milgram.
21:07This is an unexpected surprise.
21:10Thank you, sir.
21:12Sir, I'd like to verify whether or not
21:14five army nurses' uniforms were taken from your supply room.
21:17Nurses' uniforms?
21:18Why would anybody want to take nurses' uniforms?
21:19For the nurses aboard the Sea Tiger, sir.
21:24There are no nurses aboard the Sea Tiger.
21:26Sir, I'm looking at two of them right now.
21:29Captain, there are no nurses aboard the Sea Tiger.
21:32But, sir...
21:33Milgram!
21:35What are you, some kind of subversive?
21:37Listen to me, Milgram.
21:38Don't upset the system.
21:39Do you read me, Milgram?
21:41Do you understand me?
21:41There are no nurses.
21:47You like that cheesecake, sir?
21:48The Sea Tiger.
22:03No, no, no, no!
22:08¶¶
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