- 5 months ago
Rick hires a "life affirmation" expert to give a seminar for the staff.
(Season 1, Episode 16)
(Season 1, Episode 16)
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00:00.
00:10Tell me what's what.
00:11I don't want to steal the thunder.
00:12You tell me everything.
00:13This is going to be so magnificent.
00:15Tonight, Rick has some sort of guest speaker coming in.
00:18Do a little seminar for us.
00:20It's designed to help funeral directors
00:22in connecting with families
00:24and our interactions amongst ourselves.
00:26The seminar is supposed to be about
00:28how to interact with people.
00:30That's funny.
00:32Is it going to be like trippy, weird, touchy-feely stuff?
00:36No.
00:37Oh, so he's not like a Tony Robbins type.
00:40I think he's a caregiver.
00:42Do we like that?
00:44Kumbaya, my love.
00:46Kumbaya.
00:56Oh, I know.
01:05I know.
01:06I know.
01:07I know.
01:08I just individualize.
01:09I know.
01:10Oh, you need the burden of love
01:11aren'tģ“ģ² is now an VII's.
01:13I know all right.
01:14You'll be right back.
01:15I know all right.
01:17I know all right.
01:19I know MJ loves you, but it's a silly concern.
01:19Okay, let's kill me.
01:21I know.
01:22We first contracted for Bill Bates to come in here and give us a life appreciation training seminar.
01:27And he said, you know, anybody that deals with people in crisis can benefit from this.
01:31Huh.
01:32Who's Bill Bates?
01:34He's the guy that's going to conduct the seminar tonight.
01:37Well, he's already on the wrong foot with me.
01:40Walks to the office and he says, I'm Bill Baker.
01:43And all of a sudden, boom, he takes off.
01:45And I'm like...
01:47And you're going to teach me what?
01:48They're going to teach me how to act, how to have social skills.
01:53I mean, what the is that?
01:55For a myriad of different reasons, everybody in this building is injured right now.
01:59I'm hoping that he can show us how to heal that.
02:02I think we all need help.
02:04What's your problem?
02:06Why do you always say that?
02:07You think I'm happy my father has diabetes?
02:10You jerk.
02:11You're an asshole, Dad.
02:13You can't leave people on hold like that, John.
02:15How many times have I told you?
02:17Is there any way you can go to heart to him?
02:19Because he's walking by me and not even looking at me.
02:22Rob, here's the thing. I need help right now, please.
02:25Please.
02:26Um, I was going to ask you.
02:28I'm going to pay for your lunch.
02:29Why not?
02:30Why would I pay for your lunch?
02:32So that's it then?
02:33That's it.
02:34Okay.
02:35That's his policy.
02:36his policy.
02:37I can't even say anything to you right now.
02:39I'm so angry.
02:40But what is this?
02:41Rick?
02:42Rick?
02:43That's life at Poway, but not in Montreal.
02:47The house of pain.
02:49The house of nuts.
02:53Okay, boys and girls, where am I going to put all this coffee and stuff?
02:59While we're waiting, Chuck, what do you do here?
03:09I do everything except embalm and, um...
03:12Now, one of your functions here is you sign the checks.
03:16Well, you know, I'm the general manager.
03:18I haven't seen any families for quite some time because, um...
03:22I'm a bit of an emotional cripple.
03:24So it's really taking a toll on you personally.
03:26Yeah, it has.
03:27Um, I think we could begin.
03:29I just want to give you a brief thumbnail sketch of...
03:32of my background, and then we're going to do some interesting things here.
03:37Our program evolved out of a four-year research project at the University of Oregon.
03:42One of the first things that we discovered is that whenever any one of us interacts with individuals
03:52who are being openly emotional, it triggers our own losses.
03:57And when that happens, the choice is to allow our emotions to show or to defend against it.
04:05If we get emotionally involved with every family that we have, wouldn't that be, like, negative towards us?
04:10I mean, there's been families that I got connected to that has bothered me for weeks.
04:13We're in the business of helping people grieve.
04:16And if we have a lot of unresolved stuff that we need to cry about, then we need to get on with it.
04:22We all have losses.
04:25I've given you each a piece of paper.
04:27I want you to draw the three most significant losses in your life.
04:33How about ten?
04:34Do it.
04:40I want you.
04:41No.
04:42Don't release.
04:43I could have problems for other families.
04:44Tip Mischa, life, traveling, and New Orleans.
04:451948, life, home, and ķģ“ģ.
04:46It's very difficult.
04:47Rick.
04:48What was that like for you to open some doors that you might not want to?
04:57Rick, what was that like for you to open some doors that you might not want to?
05:06It was difficult.
05:07I mean, there are probably 15 or 20 events that were really, that have been significant
05:13losses for me in my life.
05:14Would you sit on the floor and tell us about your losses?
05:23As you all know, about six months ago I lost my son.
05:29That certainly was a significant loss because he and I were pretty good friends.
05:34I was such a terrible father to my children.
05:40But the most significant loss in my life was my disengagement to Melissa.
05:53It overshadows everything.
06:02I'm going to take a moment to tell him what's going on with you.
06:10Of course, I knew Rick's two recent losses.
06:14I've never had that, that experience, but I can only imagine that is a tremendous thing
06:21to have to deal with.
06:23And, and then you have it all internally, but then you have to have a face to show everybody
06:27else.
06:28Yeah.
06:29It changes things, doesn't it?
06:31Yeah.
06:32Rick.
06:33Rick.
06:34I don't know how you get out of bed in the morning.
06:40Because the thought of losing one of my two daughters, I would kill myself.
06:47I would go out in that parking lot and blow my head off right now if I lost one of my two
06:52daughters.
06:53So I avoid talking about Randy because I can't deal with it.
06:56You do, you help me every day.
06:57I've had a lot of blessings in my life, but I think chief among those is your friendship.
07:06That was pretty straight, what you just did.
07:09Would you tell us about your losses?
07:13Well, this is a picture of a little girl and that would represent my oldest daughter.
07:22I married very young and married somebody that should have been a one night stand.
07:30Basically to be very blunt.
07:32The way that things turned out, I divorced my husband and he took custody of my child.
07:42This is a picture of a bride and groom and that represents the loss of experiencing parents
07:51that had a happy marriage.
07:53Sorry dad, but when I actually got married the first time, I thought that marriage, I
07:58thought you were supposed to hate the person you were with.
08:01What do you want to say to her?
08:04That's pretty honest.
08:06I want to say you three girls saw me at my worst.
08:10Something that will be with me until the day I die.
08:14All I can try to do is show you as much love and caring.
08:21You know very well, all four of you kids, I would die for any one of you, you know that.
08:27And I know you've forgiven me in certain ways, but I have to forgive myself, I guess, the best I can.
08:38And that's pretty tough.
08:45Shawna, I was raised by a single mother and because she divorced six times when I was growing up.
08:52So I've seen a lot of what, including drunkard husbands and I've seen all the things you guys have talked about.
08:58So I can admire that you can be so committed to your family and especially your daughter,
09:04who's not physically here in this part of the country with you.
09:08That means a lot to me, David, because we joke, we joke here, but you know.
09:15It's true, I admire you.
09:19My story?
09:21Yeah.
09:22All right.
09:23Can we take a quick break?
09:25I had to go to the bathroom, really?
09:27Can we do that first?
09:28Is this just a portion of it?
09:29Because this is going to be real grueling.
09:31Is this a situation I'd really like to be in?
09:33Nope.
09:34I'd want to go home and slit my wrists, is what I'm saying.
09:37I really want to break down my barrels and barriers and pull down the walls and talk about all this stuff.
09:41No, it's not David and Randy.
09:43He doesn't do that, so.
09:48As you all know, I don't go around and share myself.
09:52It's not who I am.
09:53So this will be an interesting experience for all of you a little bit.
09:58Even though I grew up with my mother, I had, throughout my childhood, my dad, especially when I was younger, would come visit me as often as possible.
10:06But at about age 14, I was really curious about my family history.
10:11I started finding all sorts of things.
10:13So when I started finding these things out and I talked to my dad about what I'm learning, he really freaked out.
10:22He said, I disown you as my son. Don't ever do this again.
10:26That was hard for me because I was a teenager and I was wanting to talk to my dad about things and have him help me out.
10:31And no, he cut me off as if I didn't exist.
10:35We're okay now.
10:37Give David some feedback.
10:39What do you think of this young man?
10:41David invited us to his wedding last year and I wanted to come up to you and ask you why your dad wasn't there with you on the most happy day of your life.
10:54I like David because at the wedding, you cut loose, baby.
10:59Yeah.
11:00And I knew right then and there that you're, you know, underneath the tough hard exterior and business and everything and that you're really a good dude.
11:11When I first started David, you used to make me so nervous sitting next to me.
11:16I would be like, oh my God, I can't sit by him. He's making me crazy.
11:20But that lasted like about a month. And now if David's not in the office with me, I don't feel right.
11:32It's important for those of us who work with death every day to have a sense of where we are emotionally.
11:41Are we grounded in this experience? Are we threatened by it?
11:44Because if we're threatened by it, we'll act it out unconsciously.
11:48You've been told that you have a terminal disease.
11:52You have three days to live.
11:54And so, David, I'd like to ask you to write a letter to your mother.
11:58Then I want you to say to her whatever you want to say.
12:01Who do you love the most?
12:03These three girls?
12:04My daughter and my son.
12:05Write them a letter.
12:06Who?
12:07Myself.
12:08Yourself? Okay. Great. Who?
12:10Her?
12:12Write your letter.
12:14You're writing to yourself.
12:16I want you to write it to the little girl in you.
12:19So just write it with your non-dominant hand, if you will.
12:21And if you will.
12:23.
12:28What was that like for you?
12:58I said myself, because ultimately you die alone, so I wrote a letter to myself.
13:05And it was easy, actually.
13:08I don't know, I felt kind of guilty.
13:11I told him things that I don't really tell him that often, you know, like how much I love him.
13:17Apologize for, you know, being an overprotective dad.
13:22And try to explain why, and that's about it.
13:28In that cup are eight pieces of paper.
13:32One of them has an X on it.
13:35The person who gets the piece of paper with the X on it is dead.
13:39No cheating.
13:39I'm safe.
13:45I might be on the inside.
13:47Whose idea was this?
13:49Not me.
13:51I'm alive.
13:52Somebody got it.
13:53Sean?
13:53Sean, I don't turn around.
13:55You got the X.
13:56So what am I doing?
13:58You're going to lay down.
13:59Dear Ariel and Savannah, I hope and pray that you girls will lead a happy and fulfilling life.
14:08Please forgive me if I ever let you down in any way.
14:12Please do not ever feel like you cannot be happy unless you are in a relationship with a man.
14:17Please never allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship.
14:23Love and enjoy your life like each day is your last.
14:27I will see you again in heaven.
14:30Sean.
14:33What do you want to say about your sister?
14:35I don't think of my, I don't think of anybody in my family dying.
14:41I mean, you know, I think about myself, but I don't think about any of them.
14:44Um, I, I couldn't imagine Shauna not being here.
14:50This would be my worst nightmare.
14:52But you work with people every day.
14:54It doesn't matter.
14:55Who are having this worst nightmare.
14:56This is my child.
14:58Yeah.
14:58That would almost put me over the edge like Shauna said.
15:02She'd blow her brains up.
15:03You know, I'd be always remember as a little girl.
15:10Every time I'd turn around, she'd be standing there.
15:13So I named her Shadow.
15:16I still call her that sometimes.
15:19You know.
15:20Because she was always in my way.
15:23This would just kill me if something, if I saw this for real.
15:30This is just a game.
15:31We work with people every day that this is not a game for.
15:36The worst that can happen has happened.
15:38Yeah.
15:40I don't know how you feel about her by the way you hold her.
15:44I'm so glad this is not real.
15:47I don't think it is for this not being real.
15:50I just want to tell you, Shauna, you're surprisingly light.
15:53Light as a feather, what is this?
15:57You want to stand up?
15:59Only if you grab my ass again.
16:02It's a deal.
16:04Rick, who do you want to read your material?
16:08Melissa.
16:10You sure you want to do that?
16:17Rick, who do you want to cover you with the sheet?
16:21Shauna.
16:21My darling Melissa, I've been told I have three days to live.
16:29And I want you to know, as I have told you so many times,
16:33I love you more than life itself.
16:36Please know that love lives on.
16:38I know that Rick doesn't fear death because he was in Vietnam and he should have been killed like three times there.
16:48So I think he is able to put up the facade that it doesn't affect him when he has to deal with all the death around us here.
17:02Maybe Rick didn't fear death, but maybe he only feared losing people who he loved.
17:18That's the most profound thing I've ever heard and it's so true, I think, with Rick.
17:26Rick, all he ever wanted was to be loved and to give love.
17:31I do know he's a kind-hearted individual with a solid steel exterior.
17:40I don't know what you say, it's true.
17:42Even when he's grumpy and aggravated sometimes.
17:45Well, I do know.
17:47Sometimes.
17:48Sometimes.
17:49Sometimes, a majority of the time.
17:50But I know beneath all that he has a great heart.
17:53He's a good man.
17:54Thank you, everybody.
17:55You're welcome.
17:56We can't teach people how to bond, but we can give them an experience of bonding in the hopes that you will be able to learn from that experience and transfer it to the funeral arrangement conference.
18:19I don't know if I like this.
18:22It's a lot.
18:23I appreciate you coming so very much.
18:27My pleasure to be here.
18:28How was that?
18:30God bless you, brother.
18:33Brother Ernest.
18:35That was interesting.
18:39In the end, it probably isn't a good thing because there's a little more understanding and comprehension of each other's humanness.
18:49I'm pretty humbled by this tonight.
18:52It's evidence we all love each other.
18:55See?
18:56They love Sean.
18:57I love David.
18:58Like a family.
18:59Dysfunctional, but like a family.
19:02I am so in awe of the things that I've heard come out of people's mouths.
19:12Everybody's surprised.
19:13I love David.
19:14It was cool.
19:15David, you want a cigarette?
19:16No.
19:17Good for you.
19:18I'm showing feelings that I wouldn't show you guys, I'll tell you that.
19:21I knew you had it in you, John, all the time.
19:23Well, I know everybody has their blocks.
19:25No, I know.
19:26It just reaffirms that life is too short to put up with nonsense or crap that doesn't even matter in the big picture.
19:35That rain feels good.
19:37Trippity drops.
19:38It's very beautiful.
19:41Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya.
19:52Let's all sing hands and dance to the lily fills together.
19:56I think everybody has a new appreciation for each other.
20:00Of course, my concern is how long will it last?
20:03Kumbaya.
20:05It was a pretty amazing seminar, wasn't it?
20:08It was incredible.
20:10I noticed this morning when I walked in, David was way different to me than he normally is.
20:14Is that right?
20:15Yeah.
20:16Everybody bonded.
20:17Kumbaya, my love.
20:18Kumbaya.
20:19I was thinking about David and wondering if it would change him.
20:25It's beautiful, folks, but it made me feel real uncomfortable, okay?
20:28Have you had a chance to talk to Chuck about it over the weekend or anything?
20:30No.
20:31You didn't change me in terms of how I think about some things.
20:34It did a little bit about my own family, though.
20:36Melissa talked to me about it.
20:38I said I was very surprised that she was so chilly.
20:41I don't care for being in a group therapy session, and that's kind of what I felt like it was.
20:46If she could ever let go of the facade, then I think it would be a wonderful thing for her.
20:51I've been to private therapy before, and Lord knows it didn't help me because I'm still screwed up, but...
20:58You know Emily better than I do.
21:00I think she was not involved.
21:02It was a little...
21:03I think Emily was afraid of the whole process.
21:06I think I'll have a little more patience, but I don't know how long it'll last.
21:10Chop.
21:11The hearse is going to go flat.
21:12Come on.
21:13Emily is right in saying that after a month, you know, all will be forgotten.
21:15I don't want to hear your anymore today.
21:17But you can't erase what happened.
21:18Chop.
21:19Something's never changing.
21:40You can't erase what happened.
21:41It's a little bit nicer.
21:42I can't stay changed.
21:43You can't leave.
21:44I know I'm sad that not.
21:45You can't erase what happened.
21:46But a court than the court of Congress is supposed to any of the states.
21:49You can't do anything like that.
21:52No.
21:53You can't do anything at that.
21:55It's not difficult to do anything.
21:56You can't do anything.
21:57You can't see how much it takes.
21:59You can't do anything.