- 4 weeks ago
The girls secretly sign up Chuck for an Internet dating-service; David arranges a funeral for a reclusive woman.
(Season 1, Episode 8)
(Season 1, Episode 8)
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TVTranscript
00:00I love women.
00:11I love pretty, pretty, sweet dang, sexy ass women.
00:15Hey, Gigi.
00:16Gigi.
00:18He likes younger women.
00:20Women younger than myself.
00:21He thinks he needs to date a 25-year-old.
00:24I said, Dad, you're 60 frickin' 2, unless you're Donald Trump.
00:28You look good today.
00:30Of course, you look good every day.
00:33Us girls have discussed the possibility of getting Dad set up on an Internet site where we can, you know, find a date for him.
00:42Yeah, Dad doesn't know it yet, but we're pickin' on it.
01:13Is the deposit ready?
01:17Okay.
01:18I'm going to run this bank.
01:22It don't want to take a minute.
01:23We take our time going back.
01:26We're quite slow all of a sudden.
01:29Today, I have one family to see that's scheduled.
01:35It looks like we're building gels today.
01:38I don't know if it's good or bad, but I guess it's good to have a break.
01:43What do you do?
01:45One of the Tela girls.
01:47Are you coming in?
01:48Yeah, I'll be in there in a minute.
01:49He's so sweet.
01:50Oh, thank you very much.
01:51Look at that beautiful girl.
01:52I would love to hook up with a beautiful, sweet young lady and run off into the sunset
01:57and live happily ever after.
01:59Bye, honey.
02:00Back in the day, when I was young and beautiful, but Father Time has a way of equalizing everything.
02:09Oh, thank you, ma'am.
02:12My father needs a companion desperately.
02:15He's very lonely.
02:16And I would love to see him wind up with someone who just absolutely adores him.
02:21Although, that may be a long time.
02:24I think the internet would be good because you hear about it all the time for finding a date.
02:30And I think, isn't that where, David, isn't that where you met Patricia?
02:35Yes, I met my wife, PatriciaMatch.com.
02:38How long did it take you?
02:39She was one of the first people.
02:41Oh, how cool.
02:43Username, do I sign him in?
02:44Is this something he's going to know about?
02:46No.
02:47I had my own nickname on there, which I don't remember what it was, but I don't remember.
02:50So create one for him, like Box God or something.
02:53Jazzy Chaz?
02:54Jazzy Chaz or something.
02:55That's cute.
02:56Jazzy Chaz?
02:57I don't like Chazzy Chaz, Am.
02:59Shawna, you pick it, then you're better.
03:01Original Chaz.
03:02Original Chaz.
03:03David, that's how you hooked her.
03:05Okay, come on.
03:06I am a seeking woman.
03:08Look at how pretty she is, Shawna.
03:1055 years old.
03:11Look at that.
03:12Dad's a year older than what she wants.
03:14I'll tell you right now, you're looking at long age range.
03:16Unless you get into 18 to 21 year old, it ain't happening.
03:20I probably would have told my dad it was my dad.
03:23How about you do this, David?
03:25Because he's like doing business right now.
03:28I have a two o'clock appointment with a friend of Mrs. Riley.
03:32I think she had mentioned there's no family.
03:36Hi, I'm David.
03:37I'm Don.
03:38Good.
03:39Hi, nice to meet you.
03:40Um, please make yourself comfortable.
03:42Take a seat.
03:43All right.
03:44Folks, what we're going to do is help take care of your friends' arrangements.
03:49She had no surviving family, right?
03:51Is that right?
03:52Did it be an obituary necessary for her or just very small?
03:55No.
03:56She was like a recluse.
03:57She didn't even speak to her neighbors in 30 years.
04:00She was lonely.
04:01These things advertised on the TV, she would call and order.
04:05And I don't know if you've seen the perfect pancake pan, like when you put the stuff in
04:10and you flip the pan over.
04:12She had arthritis.
04:13She couldn't even cook.
04:14Mm-hmm.
04:15She bought six of those pans.
04:17She'd call me a lot, basically for no reason at all.
04:21This lady here didn't have any friends and didn't have any family surviving her.
04:27And it's just a shame that she died so much alone, I think.
04:30It's kind of sad.
04:31The reason my dad is alone is because he's enamored by somebody that looks good.
04:37But what he fails to realize is that looks are very superficial.
04:41And I told my dad, you need to lose the look thing, because you're going to end up being
04:46a lonely, old, grouchy man.
04:49And it's happening.
04:52My basics.
04:53You need to go back and fill out his profile.
04:55You need to say, would you please date our dad?
04:58No, you need to start out with something personal.
05:01I mean, that's about Asian women.
05:03I mean, I really like them, because they're pretty as hell.
05:05They usually got nice bods, too.
05:07You gotta get everything that's good about him in that one paragraph.
05:10Right.
05:11Okay.
05:12So go back up to my appearance.
05:13Which should not be a big problem.
05:15I am a single white professional.
05:18Hello.
05:19Who is housebroken?
05:21How are you today?
05:22Good.
05:23It's a lovely day in San Diego, huh?
05:25Yeah.
05:26Yes.
05:27What's your name?
05:28Rinalia.
05:29Rinalia?
05:30That's pretty.
05:31I'm Chuck.
05:32Nice to meet you, Rinalia.
05:33Bye-bye.
05:35Sweet.
05:36Confess, Tiger.
05:37What turns you on and off?
05:40I don't want to know that.
05:41Rick, you do this from a man's point of view.
05:44Guy just wants to get laid.
05:45Why can't we have that?
05:46If I was an old dog, I'd be snatching him up left and right.
05:50But hey, that's all right.
05:51I don't do too bad for the way it is.
05:54How you doing?
05:55Yeah, intimate.
05:56Yeah.
05:57That's probably Dad.
05:59The next step is caskets.
06:00Basically, you've got two types.
06:01You've got metals, you've got woods.
06:02The woods are natural.
06:03That's kind of interesting because we are natural.
06:04The metals are manufactured.
06:05A lot of people do it as a representation of the person who passed away.
06:06I'm a tax accountant.
06:07She was my client.
06:08And years ago, she asked me to be her executor.
06:10She was a recluse.
06:11She didn't even know her neighbors.
06:12You know, it's hard to say.
06:13I would suggest we get the one with the most locks on it.
06:18She had three locks on a front door.
06:21She had three croaking frogs that you'd have to walk by and make noise.
06:30locks on it. She had three locks on her front door. She had three croaking frogs that you'd
06:36have to walk by and make notice. She had big, heavy shutters that pulled down over the windows
06:41and latched. She lived in fear. That's a little bit sad to be so untrustworthy. It's very sad.
06:47Okay, here's a thought. The wood ones, just as a thought, the wood ones have a little
06:51small latch. You open and close your thumb. Very simple. It's the last supper. That'd be very nice.
06:56Okay. Something that funeral directors get all the time is a hindsight window to people's
07:05lives. Sometimes you hear really interesting things. Sometimes there's things you can relate
07:09to and you can tell the family that. Hey, you know, you tell families that. Just show more
07:13of a bond. But sometimes you hear weird things like unusual things like this lady. She almost
07:19sounds like me. No, I'm being very, I'm not that bad. I think we need to get in here. Who
07:26is he looking for? I mean, seriously, because, you know, this might work for him.
07:29Okay. I am a professional with a great sense of humor and am a hopeless romantic.
07:37I think I'm going to get rid of professional. I would start off with, I am a hopeless romantic.
07:41Oh, really? This is what's going to catch people's attention,
07:44so it needs to be something that says something like, um, hopeless romantic seeking...
07:49Non-game-player. Non-game-playing sensitive humorous lady. I don't go out with ladies. I go out with
07:58girls. Hopeful romantic. Hopeful romantic. Hopeful, yeah. Yeah, that's better. Hopeful romantic.
08:08And then how about three daughters want you to date our dad? So he'll leave us alone. Yeah, yeah.
08:16Three daughters looking for a good woman for our dad. That's beautiful. Why does it say
08:21that when I did it? You checking to see if there's any emails? Yeah, actually,
08:31dad got three responses. Let's start on the first one. I know I'm a little too young. Are you kidding
08:37me? There is no such thing. 37, but I wanted to drop you online to let you know how sweet you all are
08:43for what you want for your father. Are you going to answer her? Yeah. That's a very sweet note.
08:47Just say, no, you are not too young. Rick, how about you do type? Yeah. You sit in the seat. Let me
08:53sit next to you. I am the youngest daughter, and I'm glad I made, we made you smile,
08:58as Chuck comes from a family of smilers. I don't know. I don't know. And no, you are not too old.
09:09One of the reasons why he's lonely, and he doesn't date a lot, is because he's very picky.
09:14I'm a little concerned that he needs to let the age issue go a little bit.
09:19Okay, I'm going to shave. Shave my pretty face.
09:26I never thought I'd see the dad have this chicken neck.
09:29Yeah, I'm going to get some money, I'm going to get rid of this . But then I'll have
09:35all kinds of problems. Women chasing me down. No, did he get more responses? A whole bunch
09:41of them. I don't like the way she writes. A little
09:44too bottom heavy. Chemistry is important. It cannot be determined from a website. A-duh.
09:50This is getting very exhausting, getting your dad a date.
09:53And he doesn't even know it yet. That's what's so funny.
09:57A little bit of this, huh? Because I don't smell like a goat.
10:02Just a spice kind of thing. I put way too much on, though.
10:07All dressed up and no place to go. How about that?
10:12Oh, adorable.
10:14Emily, my name is Patty. I'm the redhead. I am 51. The picture was taken on my 50th birthday.
10:19You know what? Dad would have fun with her, though, I bet.
10:21Okay. Let's do it.
10:23Is that right? Perfect.
10:25Great picture. It looks like it was a fun night. I tagged a picture of Dad.
10:28And would you be okay with giving us a phone number?
10:31Emily, the youngest.
10:34This is it?
10:35That's a lot. Not even 24 hours.
10:38Really?
10:39For a guy, not for a woman to put an ad on there, you get 2,000 in a day.
10:42Really? Is that right?
10:43Yeah.
10:44Really?
10:47Well, sign me up.
10:49Sign me up, yeah.
10:50We all need to sign up.
10:57What's up with Mrs. Joanna Riley?
11:00She was one of those reclusive people who didn't have friends.
11:03They didn't want to be fearful of everything.
11:06So she had locks, multiple locks, multiple phones, which is weird.
11:10Sad, actually.
11:11Yeah.
11:12I think she was just eccentric.
11:13I get the impression she had a little money, but then she spent it on credit cards, buying things on TV all the time, like Pancake Griddle.
11:21She ordered like 12 of those.
11:23David, do you have 12 waffle lions?
11:24No.
11:25I think the other kitchen asked her.
11:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:33Is there any flowers?
11:34Not to my knowledge.
11:35On occasion, we receive people that were recluses or they had no family or friends.
11:42Hey, guys.
11:43They're sending these with her.
11:44She has no next to kin or something.
11:46You know, it's like it kills me to put these in here because they're so awesome.
11:51I mean, yeah, you'll never, you know, this is one of a kind stuff.
11:54But, you know, it's hers and I want her to have it and God bless her, you know.
12:02I understand that she was really concerned about safety and security and locking mechanisms.
12:07So, her administrator selected this casket.
12:12She had no family.
12:14So, that's kind of sad to me that, you know.
12:18Everybody should have somebody.
12:20Yeah.
12:24She was an eccentric person.
12:29Everybody's got their own quirks.
12:31So, whatever gives you your security that you need.
12:35I'm not a fearful individual.
12:37Doesn't mean I have no fear.
12:38It's stupid to say I have no fear.
12:40Remember, as fear as I can't think of any particular fear right now.
12:42But, well, yeah, I guess I do have one fear, which has been kind of remedied, I think.
12:47Prior to getting married, I kind of had a small fear that I might die alone someday.
12:51She had no friends, no neighbors.
12:57Oh, sad.
13:02I still might die alone someday, but it's kind of nice to know that someone might remember me.
13:06When the day comes, I'm no longer here.
13:11Patty wrote back again.
13:12She did?
13:13619.
13:14Okay, here's your telephone number.
13:16It's my direct line.
13:18If I set Dad up and he's not crazy about her, I'll never hear the end of it.
13:22But, you know what?
13:23He needs to have a nice date, even if he doesn't like her, you know, romantically.
13:27Just to have some companionship.
13:29Hi, this is Patty.
13:37I'll be glad to help you.
13:38Hi, Patty.
13:39This is Emily calling.
13:41How are you?
13:42I'm sorry I'm a little late.
13:43Is this a good time?
13:45Oh, yes.
13:45It's fine.
13:46Okay.
13:47We really just want to know what you would want to know about Dad and if we could set you
13:52guys up on a date.
13:53Today, surprisingly, three women responded in a matter of, like, five minutes.
13:58Obviously, you love your dad very much and you're very proud of him.
14:02Yes, we are.
14:03One lady in particular looks like she might be a good match for my dad.
14:06And what we were hoping to do is to set up a restaurant for a nice dinner and, you know,
14:11and kind of just meet him then.
14:14Well, I don't see why not.
14:17Oh, good.
14:19Unfortunately, he's the one that's going to make the final decision.
14:22Take care.
14:22Have a good weekend.
14:23You too.
14:24Bye-bye.
14:25I like her.
14:26I'm really excited.
14:27I can't wait.
14:27If these women turn out to be good and they're nice looking and sweet and if he doesn't like
14:32them, then he's on his own.
14:34I want you to bring it up.
14:36What are you going to say?
14:37I don't pull any punches with my dad.
14:39No pun intended.
14:41I just tell him straight up.
14:43And he'll look and go, oh, she's too old.
14:46At which point I'm going to turn to him and tell him he's going to be a lonely old man if
14:50he doesn't agree to at least go and have a nice time.
14:53Yeah.
14:54Shauna, what's the clothes on the...
14:56Oh, I got to ship those.
14:58Really?
14:59Dad, I got to talk to you.
15:01What?
15:01Inside for a minute.
15:02We got a special treat.
15:03A special treat?
15:04Yeah.
15:05Is it Klondike Bar or what?
15:12Okay, Dad, I got to talk to you inside for a minute.
15:15Okay.
15:16Shauna and I and Rick, we've got you in a couple dating services.
15:22Are you serious?
15:23Uh-huh.
15:24114 women have checked you out.
15:27How about if I take them all out?
15:29One, you know, one day at a time.
15:32Yeah.
15:33This particular lady, and I spoke to her myself on the phone, and I think she's very nice.
15:38All right.
15:38Yeah, here it comes.
15:39Okay.
15:40Nice personality.
15:41Very nice personality, and she's available for a date tonight.
15:45All right.
15:45Show me the money.
15:46Okay.
15:47What do you think?
15:48It's the redhead.
15:49The redhead.
15:49The redhead?
15:50I love redhead.
15:51Oh, see?
15:51I thought, isn't she a doll?
15:53She looks very pretty.
15:54She's about 20 years older, and I liked her.
15:57She's a babe, dude.
15:59I'll take her out.
15:59Hell yeah.
16:00You look good.
16:01So, are you excited?
16:03I'm going to be too excited.
16:05Don't run away.
16:06Come on.
16:07I have worked on it.
16:07I don't care.
16:08I was surprised.
16:09I mean, I didn't expect anything like that, you know?
16:13All right.
16:13It's constantly working.
16:15Relax.
16:15Thank you, dear.
16:16You're welcome.
16:17I love you, Sean.
16:18I love you, too, Dad.
16:18Thanks for hooking me up there.
16:20Oh, it's screwed up now.
16:22I don't know.
16:23Oh, Rick, thanks for hooking that up.
16:25I appreciate it.
16:26I think it accurately ascribed you.
16:28Yeah.
16:29In fact, you flattered me.
16:32Are you excited?
16:33I think you should be.
16:35I never realized how many women will be.
16:38You never know.
16:39I don't know.
16:40Where do you want to take her?
16:43I don't know.
16:43I'll take her to my little Chinese restaurant.
16:45No, you won't.
16:46You don't take dates to your little favorite hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurants until you're sleeping with them.
16:51Maybe that's why they're still not dating me.
16:54What about Sevilla?
16:55I know they got good salsa dancing there.
16:57That might not be a bad idea.
16:59It's not a bad idea.
17:00Well, I'll just call information.
17:01I heard that Chuck's got a date tonight.
17:03He kind of overheard his walk-in-the-wall.
17:04Uh, San Diego, uh, the Sevilla restaurant on 4th Street.
17:08Lucky him.
17:09He gets us some fun tonight.
17:10So you've been here before, huh?
17:12Oh, for God's sake.
17:14He's trying to hook himself up with the 411 operator.
17:17Are you married?
17:19Oh, well, I shouldn't even be talking to you.
17:24Hey, what the hell?
17:25Why not give it a shot?
17:27She sounded pretty nice, but she's married.
17:28She says, that's okay.
17:30I'll meet you there.
17:33What are you all smiling about?
17:34You, big boy.
17:36I'm waiting to hear about your date tomorrow.
17:37Well, see, I look at it this way.
17:39It is what it is.
17:40Who knows?
17:41Maybe that's the best thing in the world could ever happen to me.
17:43Hey, Dad!
17:44Come here!
17:44What?
17:47Tonight.
17:48Just be cool.
17:50Watch your P's and Q's.
17:52Watch my mouth for a try.
17:53And just use, you know, your manners and be the gentleman that you are.
17:57Yeah, I know.
17:58Chuck's very abrasive, and he's abrupt, and he doesn't really care what he says to who or for what reason.
18:04Dad!
18:04What?
18:05What?
18:05If she chews with her mouth open, if she doesn't say please or thank you, just let it ride, please.
18:11Okay.
18:11Just be on your best behavior.
18:12Yeah.
18:13I just hope he can keep himself together for a while until she gets to know him and doesn't do something stupid on the first date.
18:21Just be yourself.
18:24Yeah.
18:24As always.
18:25That's it.
18:26Yeah.
18:26Don't get drunk and start a fight.
18:28Yeah.
18:28Those days are over with.
18:29Believe me.
18:30Thank God.
18:31See ya.
18:32See ya manana.
18:32I'm nervous as hell, I'm out.
18:36Will Chuck find true love?
18:39I hope for anyone to find true love, you know?
18:41That one source of happiness that's just the pinnacle of life.
18:45Yes, it's my wife.
18:46Hi, Patricia.
18:47That's where the true love is, I think.
18:48It's the pinnacle of life.
18:51She's a good companion.
18:53About 5 o'clock in the morning.
18:55She's like, come on, daddy, you gotta get up.
18:57When I retire, you and I are gonna sleep till noon.
19:00Oh.
19:01I gotta get myself together here.
19:04I start sweating because I'm nervous, so I gotta do this.
19:07I should do this quick.
19:09I'm gonna wear a really nice sport coat.
19:11This is a Mac Daddy.
19:15Pretty cool.
19:16Now all I need is a pair of slacks.
19:19Here we go.
19:19Ta-da!
19:21Well, I think to me it's like going to a fight.
19:24Bell rings and you go out and you start taking care of business and, you know, it's okay.
19:29Well, if you're getting your ass kicked, then it's not okay.
19:32I always do that.
19:33You never know, right?
19:36I'm gonna be cheating on you, baby.
19:38I'm holding this up as high as I can.
19:40I should have taken up about a half inch.
19:43I think.
19:44That's it.
19:45Ready to rock.
19:46It's Friday night.
19:47I just got paid.
19:49Go and get my money and I'm gonna get laid.
19:51Hey!
19:52Not too shabby for a poor white boy from Detroit, huh?
19:56I'm a sharp-dressed man.
19:58And then there's you.
20:00Hello?
20:04Hi, it's Em.
20:05What's up?
20:06Hey, listen, you know what?
20:08What?
20:08Apparently, she was flying in from L.A. tonight and her flight is like really delayed, I guess.
20:14You're kidding.
20:15And I'm really sorry you got all excited and she didn't make it.
20:18You know, I'm sure everything's fine.
20:19Hey, Emily.
20:20Emily.
20:21I've been stood up.
20:22I've been smacked.
20:23I've been ran out of town.
20:25I've been...
20:26You know, don't worry.
20:28It's no big deal, sweetheart.
20:29I love you.
20:30I love you, too.
20:31And I'll see you in the morning.
20:32Okay.
20:32Bye.
20:39I'm a little bit disappointed, but I'm not, you know, it's not heart-wrenching.
20:44Stuff happens and that's the way it is.
20:46There'll be other dates and other things and it'll be all right.
20:53Yeah.
20:54I smell good.
20:55I'm nice and clean.
20:56I don't have to shave in the morning.
20:59Kitty's glad I'm not going.
21:01I'm not cheating on her.
21:03I'm going to stay here with you.
21:05Are you happy?
21:06You little fat ass.
21:07Come here.
21:08Yeah.
21:08Daddy, I need to show you something.
21:19She's got a wonderful personality.
21:21I'm sure she would be fun.
21:24No.
21:25Tons of fun ain't getting it.
21:27I ain't no Brad Pitt, but my legs what I like.
21:30I'm picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky.
21:32No.
21:48I'll see you next time.
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