- 2 days ago
Eric's Grandmother comes to visit the family during a Sunday afternoon.
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00:00Days like these can only get worse with the arrival of Ron's mum.
00:25Michael. Yep. I want you to prove you love me.
00:28What, here? Now?
00:31Yeah, OK. Let's play Guess What I'm Thinking. Right. You go first. Close your eyes. Go.
00:38Right, right. Pans people. Tomorrow people. A bacon sandwich. Oh, man, this is easy. A big fat blog.
00:45You know what, Michael? What?
00:47Guess what I'm thinking. Me. Not you, Michael. Guess what Jackie's thinking. Me, me, me.
00:53Guess what I'm thinking.
00:54Yeah, me too. But what would we do with the bodies?
00:58Um, me. You're thinking about me, right?
01:03No!
01:04Oh? Yeah, but last Wednesday you said you thought about me all the time.
01:08Yes, well, that was Wednesday. I'm going. I've got to do my homework.
01:14On Saturday night?
01:15Yeah. But you can come too if you want to. You could help me.
01:19Um, well, we're thinking about going to the King's Head. But it'd be cool.
01:23We might even get served.
01:26You know I don't like going to pubs, Michael. They smell of beer and people eat crisps.
01:31I'm going. Bye.
01:33Bye!
01:34Shut up!
01:37So, Maguire, she does her homework on a Saturday night.
01:40What a raver.
01:41I mean, look at me, man. I've got an essayed you Monday morning.
01:44I've already had one extension, 2,000 words. But do you see me sweating?
01:48No. And do you want to know why?
01:50Because I've got a whole crappy Sunday to do it on.
01:52Yeah.
01:53Well, you don't have to worry about Jackie anymore.
01:55I'm finishing with her.
01:56Oh.
01:57I'm sure.
01:58No, I am. I'm finishing with her.
02:02When?
02:03I'm just picking my moment.
02:05And when might that moment be? Your golden anniversary?
02:08You see, these are the little angels' bodies. And these are their wings.
02:17They're angels. But in cake form. Angel cakes.
02:23Why would I want to eat an angel?
02:26Because it's fun. Go on, have one.
02:31Right. That's it. That's my last one.
02:39Good on you.
02:49So far, so good.
02:50Friday.
02:51The night was next I have to see you in 2018
02:55Man.
02:56Today.
02:57At night.
02:58The night was Die Land.
03:01I forgot to meet you in 2018
03:02City Castle.
03:03It came from Newlandé‚£.
03:04The night was a good day
03:05since 2014.
03:08The night was the night was a weird
03:17who had, and they weren't a nightmare.
03:19Doesn't the toast taste extra delicious this morning?
03:27Mum, have you given up smoking again?
03:29Why do I have to pop it?
03:31Well, because you're talking about Julie Andrews.
03:33Very.
03:34Which is great. I want you to give up smoking.
03:36I should have done it years ago.
03:37I know better. I'm a nurse.
03:40More fried bread, anyone?
03:42I'll get it.
03:49Hello?
03:50Oh.
03:52Oh, dear.
03:55Well, yeah, of course, yeah. We'll be glad to, yeah.
04:00Yeah, all right. We'll see you in a bit. Yeah, OK. Bye.
04:08Who was it?
04:15It's my mother.
04:19Paul's broken his ankle. She wants us to take her to church.
04:22Oh, no. It's Paul's turn to take her to church.
04:26Yes, as I said, Paul's broken his ankle.
04:30Broken ankle, broken leg. It doesn't matter. It's his turn.
04:35Kitty, the man is injured.
04:37Oh, well, that is just fantastic.
04:41I'll go and get a chicken out of the deep freeze,
04:43because Queen Brenda won't eat brisket, will she?
04:46OK, look, I'll call her and tell her we can't do it.
04:50Oh, run, run, run, run, run.
04:53You know who'd get the blame if you did that.
04:56Why should she blame you? She's my mother.
04:58She never stops reminding me.
05:00Look, why don't you just tell her that I'm ill?
05:02Eric, nip upstairs and put your tie on,
05:03the one that your grand gave you for Christmas.
05:04Eric, stay where you are. Your mother's just being ridiculous.
05:06I'll tell you what's ridiculous.
05:08What's ridiculous is giving your mother our phone number.
05:11No, what's ridiculous is you going on about my mother...
05:13No, hold on, hold on, hold on.
05:18Do you want to stay calm?
05:21Now, Mum, if it'll help you out,
05:23why don't I hang around Gran today so she'll leave you alone?
05:26How does that sound?
05:27First of all, Eric,
05:31I'm the one who says hold on in this house
05:34because I pay the bills.
05:36When you pay the bills, you can say hold on.
05:39Now, go and get your tie on and get in the car
05:41so we can drive to church and have a very nice Sunday.
05:52Oh, my God.
05:54Here she comes.
05:55I don't think I can do this.
05:59Kitty, do us all a favour, love.
06:01Have a fag.
06:04No.
06:05No, I'm fine.
06:07Where as comes the worst,
06:08we can always give her a drink.
06:10No.
06:11There's no help in the long run.
06:12She shouldn't be drinking at her age.
06:14Oh, Ron.
06:16You ought to encourage your mother's little hobbies.
06:19Grandma!
06:20Careful, Gran.
06:25My coat.
06:37How are you, Brenda?
06:38I hate this car.
06:39It's, it's pokey.
06:41Your brother, Paul, has a lovely car, a Rover.
06:44But then he makes more money than you do.
06:46So he broke his ankle.
06:48Carrying it all to the bank.
06:50All righty.
06:51Here we all are.
06:52Yeah.
06:52So, Kitty, Eric tells me you've stopped smoking.
06:56Yes, yes, she has, and we're all, we're all very proud of her.
06:58Put a sock in it, Eric.
06:59Yes, I have, and I feel great.
07:02Oh, good for you, dear.
07:03So, there you have him.
07:14Judas Iscariot.
07:16Misunderstood?
07:17Perhaps.
07:19A disciple?
07:20Certainly.
07:22Now, please stand for a moment of silent prayer.
07:25Dear God, thank you for helping me give up such a filthy, disgusting, soothing, delicious
07:38habit.
07:40Oh, God, I can't do this.
07:42No.
07:43No, I'm fine.
07:44Amen.
07:46Dear God, thank you for my devoted son and grandson and, well, two out of three is not bad.
07:53Oh, dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but I promised to help out
08:00my mid-grand today, and I also have an essay due at sixth form tomorrow, so if you could
08:05either get her to leave very early or burn down the college tomorrow, I would, well, put
08:10it this way, it would certainly help me believe in you lot more.
08:15Dear God, would it absolutely murder you to get Luton back into the First Division?
08:20Plus, watch over my loving family and stop us from killing each other today.
08:27Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
08:33In today's programme, I shall be talking to the Minister for Prices and Incomes about this
08:38week's surprise room.
08:38How did we change channels before tour?
08:49You know, I don't think we did.
08:52Right, guys, I need some help with my essay.
08:56I thought you were looking after your gran.
08:57Yeah, she's in the toilets.
08:58I've got 25 minutes instead of an entire...
09:00Now, I can make a start.
09:02Somebody turn the TV off.
09:03No, please, allow me.
09:07So, uh, what's the essay?
09:10In 2,000 words, describe the function of the British Constitution.
09:15I'll never do it.
09:17Eric, just go in there and tell them you've got to do your homework.
09:19I can't, I've got to look off the ground, I've got to just try and keep the peace.
09:22Yeah, that's right, Donna.
09:24Eric wants the American sitcom family.
09:26The what?
09:27Well, you know, you come home, it's Sunday, grandma's come over.
09:31Hey, grandma, you came over.
09:41Where's mom and pop?
09:42Oh, they're in the kitchen fussing over each other.
09:45Your mom's cooking up a whole mess of fixes.
09:52Oh, Eric, where have you been?
09:54Your daddy told me the funniest joke.
09:57He had me laughing for hours.
09:58Oh!
10:01Where's my dinner?
10:06I'm a-feeling hungry.
10:09Come on, folks, y'all tuck in now.
10:12We're gonna have ourselves a swell time.
10:14Later, maybe, we can play a game.
10:16Yee-haw!
10:21I don't want that.
10:23Yes, you do.
10:23I can see it in your wide, yearning eyes.
10:26Of course, you'll never get it.
10:28The reality is this.
10:36Oh, Grant, you came over.
10:39Where's mom and dad?
10:42Eric, they're in the kitchen, fighting each other.
10:46Your mother's cooking up some mess.
10:48I suppose I'll have to fix it.
10:52Eric, where have you been?
10:54Your dad's nipped my fags.
10:56I've been looking for them for hours.
11:00Where's my dinner?
11:01I'm hungry.
11:03Eric, tuck your shirt in.
11:06Mum, your legs are starting to swell up.
11:09Now, let's get this over as quick as we can
11:12so I can get back to the game.
11:13All right.
11:16Are some days really like that?
11:17Why do you think we're all hiding in your garage, man?
11:20Eric, stop avoiding your gran.
11:23She's old.
11:23She could die.
11:24Now, get in here.
11:25I thought she was in the toilet.
11:27False alarm.
11:29Right, that's it.
11:30I'm dead.
11:30I haven't even started my essay.
11:32Look, just go and look after your gran
11:33and we'll have a go at it for you.
11:35Really?
11:36Yeah.
11:37Cheers, Donna.
11:37You know, doing an essay for somebody,
11:39that's a sign of true...
11:41Yeah, boredom, mate.
11:42Yeah, get inside.
11:44Right.
11:46How many words we got so far?
11:47OK.
11:49Name, date, three.
11:51Yep, he's dead.
11:52Hey.
11:53Well, there's a little name in there, too.
11:56Of course, you see.
11:57This would have never happened to me
11:59because I do my homework when it's set.
12:02Hmm.
12:03Maguire, remember that moment you were talking about, yeah?
12:06This is it.
12:08Pick it.
12:09You know, I think you could all learn a thing or two from me.
12:14Moment number two.
12:17Jackie, me and you need to have a little talk.
12:20Yes.
12:22No, I think I did the same essay for sociology.
12:26I got an A.
12:27Do you want me to go and get it?
12:30Well, let me think.
12:31Yeah.
12:32Hold on, Donna.
12:34Jackie, me and you, we're...
12:37Jackie, why don't you just go?
12:39OK.
12:40OK.
12:46Do not dump her yet, OK?
12:49So you understand me, Maguire?
12:50Boy, and all this time, I thought you didn't like her.
12:52Just don't dump her yet, OK?
12:56OK, OK.
12:58Weirdo.
13:00What do we need Jackie for?
13:01I know more about this than her.
13:04I do.
13:06Look, the British Constitution functions to keep the common man down
13:09and the fascist oligarchy in place.
13:14Bosh, right, I need a pen.
13:15Run, Jackie, run!
13:19OK.
13:37I hope you're hungry.
13:39Chicken should be ready soon.
13:41I can't eat chicken.
13:43Not with my irritable bowel.
13:44Well, it's not just your bowel.
13:57You should have made me brisket.
14:00My bowel likes brisket, don't you?
14:05So, Grandma, don't you think the vicar gave a marvellous sermon today?
14:10No.
14:10He told too many jokes.
14:12I don't want to receive Holy Communion from Tommy Cooper.
14:16Yeah, I suppose so.
14:18And he talked too much about forgiveness.
14:20Some people shouldn't be forgiven.
14:23Hmm, that's a very interesting point.
14:24I suppose that's why theology is such a rich and varied subject.
14:28Oh, Brenda, some people don't need forgiveness.
14:30Just a little understanding.
14:33Hmm.
14:33Have you seen Jesus Christ Superstar?
14:35What I don't understand is how on earth a bright young man like my, Ronald, could just throw everything away.
14:43Grandma, why don't I take you next door for a nice gin and bitter lemon?
14:48You are so good, Eric.
14:50Oh, but look how thin you are.
14:52Is your mother feeding you enough?
14:54I think you should come and live with me.
14:56Well, yes.
14:57No.
15:10Dad?
15:11Oh, hello.
15:11Yeah, I was just on my way to fix this.
15:15No, no, no, no, no.
15:16What's the match?
15:17No, no, no, no, no.
15:18It's only the, um, semi-final.
15:23Now, Eric, what about that little drink you promised your grandma?
15:32Oh, you can do better than that, can't you, dear?
15:39That's more like it.
15:42Are you going to join me in a little drinky booth?
15:45Yes, well, I suppose I could have a lemonade.
15:48Oh, no, no, no, I mean a proper drink, a man's drink.
15:51Oh, well, um, unfortunately, in society's eyes, and, well, more importantly, my father's,
15:58I'm not a man as yet.
15:59Oh, go on.
16:01Have a little drink with your grandma.
16:04When I'm dead, you'll wish you had.
16:06Oh, gran, I'm sure you'll never...
16:09No, I really mustn't drink.
16:10I've got to do an essay.
16:12Oh, that's very interesting.
16:13It is interesting, actually.
16:14It's all about the British Constitution.
16:16A little top-up wouldn't go amiss.
16:20I have to say goodbye, Eric.
16:22I'm going home now.
16:23No, don't go home.
16:24Tor, Tor.
16:24You have my grandma, grandma, me Tor.
16:26Hello, grandma.
16:29You're not from round here, are you?
16:32No, my parents and I actually live in Dunstable.
16:35No, no, no, I mean you're foreign.
16:39You're from somewhere smelly.
16:43She means snowy.
16:44No, I don't.
16:52Eric, Eric, are you in here?
16:54No, he's not here, Mrs. Foreman.
16:56Donna, you've got to come and have lunch with us.
16:57I need all the help I can get.
17:00No, no, not you, Dylan.
17:01Grandma doesn't like you.
17:02What am I supposed to eat?
17:05Help yourself to the deep freeze.
17:07Yes.
17:07Yes.
17:07Yes.
17:07Yes.
17:07Yes.
17:07Yes.
17:07Yes.
17:07Yes.
17:08Yes.
17:08Yes.
17:09Yes.
17:10Yes.
17:10Yes.
17:11Yes.
17:12Yes.
17:13Yes.
17:14Yes.
17:15Yes.
17:16Yes.
17:17Yes.
17:18Yes.
17:19Yes.
17:20Yes.
17:21Yes.
17:22Yes.
17:23Yes.
17:24Yes.
17:25Yes.
17:26Yes.
17:27Thanks, darling.
17:28Yes, they really are good, Mrs. Foreman.
17:32We have them whenever Grandma comes round, because we know how much she loves them.
17:36Isn't that right, Grandma?
17:37They make me sick.
17:40You're not allergic to dairy products.
17:41Why are you trying to kill me?
17:43Are you rich, perhaps?
17:46Mark, you are not allergic to dairy products.
17:49Maybe she's just allergic to mine.
17:52Well, if you're allergic to dairy products, and you shouldn't put milk in your tea, because
17:55I mean milk is a dairy product.
17:57Donna.
17:58It's all right, Eric.
18:00Who the hell are you?
18:02That's Donna.
18:03You've known her 16 years.
18:04No, I haven't.
18:05And anyway, I don't like her.
18:06She speaks her mind.
18:07Girls in my day who spoke their mind got their bottoms smacked.
18:10But you're not afraid to speak your brains.
18:11You're a husband.
18:12That's true.
18:13Well, I'm finished.
18:14Can I go now?
18:15Thanks.
18:16Well, uh, times change, Grandma.
18:17Oh, don't you think I haven't noticed that times change?
18:19All these women burning their bras in public, as if that's going to help them find a husband,
18:23for heaven's sake.
18:24And, of course, the Pooftas and Darkies are...
18:25Oh, Grandma.
18:26Let me make you love.
18:27Fat.
18:28Ah!
18:29Ah!
18:30What the hell are you doing?
18:31I know.
18:32You gotta say that.
18:33Thank God.
18:34You gotta say that.
18:35You gotta say it.
18:36No, there's always that.
18:37Oh.
18:38As if that's going to help them find a husband.
18:39For heaven's sake.
18:40And, of course, the Pooftas and Darkies are...
18:41All right, Grandma!
18:42Let me make you love.
18:45Fat?
18:48Ah!
18:50Ah!
18:52Ah!
18:53Ah!
18:54Ah!
18:55What the hell are you doing?
18:57I'm working on your essay.
18:59Having something to eat.
19:01You put frankfurters in the twin tub?
19:03Yeah, well, the chips went mushy.
19:08Finally, where have you two been?
19:10Well, we went to look for the essay,
19:12had something to eat,
19:14and then something else happened.
19:17Maguire, your shirt's on inside out.
19:19Oh, yeah.
19:20Yeah, that's a something.
19:22So, where is the essay?
19:24Oh, right, yeah.
19:26Well, you see, it wasn't about the function of the Constitution.
19:29It was about the function of the duodenum.
19:31I'm sorry!
19:33OK, it doesn't matter.
19:35My dad's got the Encyclopedia Britannica.
19:37I'll just run next door and get a seat.
19:39Oh, I'll go with you, Ace.
19:42Um, you can dump her now.
19:45You know, I'm sick of people trying to tear me and Jackie apart.
19:48You twonk.
19:50Every day you say you're splitting up with her.
19:53Yeah.
19:54Well, you don't know like I do.
19:58I mean, it's not just about getting off with her.
20:01She buys me stuff.
20:03You know, I don't care anymore.
20:05All I wanted was a little bit of help with my essay,
20:07and you guys have done nothing.
20:09We're putting your middle name.
20:10Oh, yeah?
20:10Yeah.
20:11Jean-Claude.
20:14It's two words.
20:16Oh, God, you guys are crap.
20:17Thank God for Donna.
20:19Well, bad news, you guys.
20:20My mum sold some at Jumbo's cell.
20:22We've only got D, X and R.
20:24Pay attention, everybody.
20:27I have had an extremely stressful day.
20:30There is a woman up there whose only pleasure in life is making my life a misery.
20:33I am not proud of what I'm about to say,
20:35but will somebody please give me a cigarette?
20:40No!
20:42Mum, we don't smoke.
20:43Oh, please.
20:44I wasn't born yesterday.
20:46As a nurse, I'm aware of the sad statistics that one in five teenagers smoke.
20:51One, two, three, four, five.
20:53Now, I'm going to close my eyes,
20:54and would somebody please put a cigarette in between these two fingers?
20:58Come on!
21:06Light.
21:07Kitty!
21:21Go, go, go.
21:22Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.
21:23Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.
21:24Right, I'm here.
21:25Um, no, no, no.
21:27Mum said the cat bit her, so I'm in here looking for it.
21:31Dad, we don't have a cat.
21:34Yeah, that's what I thought.
21:36Oh.
21:44Pour me a small one, will you, dear?
21:46That's a good boy.
21:48So, um, what happened then?
21:51Well, when all the Indians and Africans were grown up enough,
21:55we decided to let them run their own countries.
21:59That was very nice of you.
22:01Oh, yes.
22:02And we left all our trains and roads behind for them to use as well.
22:08They must have been really delighted.
22:12You'd think so, wouldn't you?
22:13So, uh, who is the pretty lady in overalls?
22:25Oh, that's...
22:26That's Barbara.
22:28Played by Floster Kendall.
22:32And Barbara and Tom live next door to...
22:36Jerry and Margot.
22:40That's right.
22:42Oh, I like Tom in his jumper.
22:47Barbara's a slut.
22:51Of course, men can't see it, but you take it from me.
22:55I am very lucky.
22:56In my country, wise old people will not spend time with the young.
22:59You know, actually, you're quite a pretty young thing, aren't you?
23:08Call me Brenda.
23:12What would you say if I said that you could rub my feet?
23:18I think Mr. Foreman wanted some help with, uh, his car.
23:30Thank you for a lovely day, dear.
23:33What are we talking about, Dad?
23:35Well, this is the bit where they tell each other what a nice day they've had.
23:38What?
23:39After Grandma's been such an old bit...
23:40Careful, son.
23:42That's my mother.
23:44She may be difficult at times, but it's only because she wants the best for her son.
23:47Of course, I'd do anything for her.
23:50But, Dad, me and Mum are the ones who've been looking after her all day.
23:54Eric, I'd do anything for your grandmother.
23:57It's just that I can't talk to her or spend any time with her.
24:01Always nice to see you, Brenda.
24:03Mm-hm.
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