00:00Hey, you're a lucky fella, Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, to be able to live as you do, and to have that swell Miss Liberty gal, carrying the torch for you.
00:24Shut up, Steve! I have a term paper due.
00:26Oh, yeah, right. Community college. Big girl, big girl. Hey, think that diploma will help you land a better section when you're waitressing at the Olive Garden? Zing!
00:36Think you'll hit puberty before you turn 14?
00:38Well, I hope so.
00:41Steve, you've only got one sister. Be nice. And Haley, Steve's big boy hair isn't going to come in any faster with you taunting him.
00:49Ach, Francine, Liebchen, I love the way you roll mit einem iron fist. You know, perhaps when you are finished there, you will stick your naughty pinky finger into meinem ball.
00:59Und let me feel you.
01:01Close! I don't think that's appropriate.
01:03You're right. When the kids are gone.
01:05No, Roger, you cannot borrow the car.
01:08You know, you'd think you'd be a little more grateful to the guy who saved your life at Area 51.
01:12Look, if my superiors found out you were living here, we'd all have our memories erased. Did you see Memento?
01:17Memento is not as good the second time. The point is, you're not allowed to leave the house.
01:21Look, for God's sake, Stan, I just want to pick up a pack of smokes.
01:25Have you managed to contact your home planet yet?
01:28Oh, you know, I was going to do it yesterday, but I got distracted.
01:31Yeah, see, VH1 was doing this I love the 80s marathon.
01:35Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf?
01:38I don't know, somehow it's hard to take him as seriously.
01:40Oh, hey, Francine, did you get those pecan sandies I asked for?
01:44Oh, Roger, I'm sorry. I was at the market yesterday and I forgot.
01:50Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.
01:53I'll pick some up this afternoon.
01:55Francine, you'll be very careful out there today. We're a terror alert orange.
01:58Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time. So look sharp!
02:04You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have created a fun little system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
02:10You like shaving your armpits, Haley? Huh? Because if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go.
02:20It's just toast, Dad.
02:22This time it was toast, Haley. This time.
02:26It's okay. This one will be mine.
02:28Hey, Steve, how's it going with that gal on the lacrosse team I picked out for you?
02:31Actually, Dad, I've decided to go for the brass ring. Today I'm asking out Lisa Silver, head cheerleader and future Mrs. Steve Smith.
02:40Yeah. Yeah. I like the sound of that. Steve Smith.
02:45That's my boy. You hear that, Francine? Hey, Francine, tell Steve how many girls I dated in high school.
02:50I didn't meet you till college.
02:52No, but I've told you.
02:53Steve, my friend, if you want to win over this woman, do not wear deodorant. Your stench is your personal signature. Mark a visit.
03:02Don't worry, she won't turn you down. You're a smith, and a smith always gets his girl.
03:09Resist him, Francine. Resist him!
03:12You and I are meant to...
03:14Happy hour!
03:17Yum!
03:18He's conscious!
03:20Steve, isn't Lisa Silver, like, way out of your league?
03:22Well, now, Haley, don't bury him before he's dead. I think you got a shot, Steve, as long as you don't wear that Shazam shirt.
03:30Oh, don't everyone help at once?
03:33My goodness, Roger, when was the last time you weighed yourself?
03:37Oh, oh, ow. Ow, Francine. You know, we can't all look like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies.
03:43I'm sorry, Roger, but I'm putting you on a diet. Starting today, no more junk food.
03:48What? No, no, not my frankenberries! Oh, Francine, be reasonable, please!
03:53Ah!
03:55Oh, God, I've got a bear claw up my ass.
03:58Hey, you're a lucky fellow, Mr. Smith.
04:01Mr. Smith.
04:03Oh, by the way, honey, President Bush complimented me on that tie you got me.
04:06Oh, honey, I told you he liked you.
04:08Yeah, I was just being paranoid.
04:12Ow! Dad, get off me! I have to study for my term paper!
04:16You know the procedure, Haley.
04:17How come you never search Steve?
04:19Now, honey, I love you both, but Steve is not a left-wing liberal who I tried to raise properly, but...
04:24What's this?
04:25It's a pack of gum.
04:26All right, it's gum.
04:31Hey, champ, when's your big date?
04:33Um, uh, she was out sick today?
04:36Oh.
04:37Oh, well, that's all right. You'll get her tomorrow.
04:39Hey, hey, listen, Mom, Dad, I was thinking, can I have a dog?
04:44Absolutely not!
04:45It's enough that we've got an alien and a goldfish with the brain of a German guy.
04:49Ah, Francine, I can see your schmutzplätchen.
04:53Sorry, Steve, no dog. I'm more than happy to get you an Etch-a-Sketch.
04:58Mom, do something!
05:00You know, Stan, a dog's not such an awful idea.
05:03It might teach Steve the responsibility he'll need for when he one day joins the army.
05:09Are you seriously contemplating a military career?
05:11Thinking about it.
05:12Hey, hey, hey! Did somebody order a brand new dog?
05:18Ah, sweet! Dad, you're the best! What the hell is that?
05:22It's a dog!
05:25Oh, my God!
05:27He can barely stand up!
05:29Well, of course! He's 19!
05:31Stan, honey, didn't the Pound have any younger dogs?
05:34Francine, this dog has character.
05:36All right, he was around for the Reagan administration.
05:38He knows how things are supposed to be.
05:40Oh, damn it, he's gonna pee. Oh, no, no!
05:42Nope, just dust.
05:45You're a monkey fellow, Mr. Smith!
05:57You're a monkey fellow, Mr. Smith!
05:59You're a monkey fellow, Mr. Smith!
06:01Oh, you're a monkey fellow, Mr. Smith!
06:02He knows how to do this, He knows how to do this,
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