- 4 months ago
When Donna beats Eric in a game of Basketball, he feels as if his masculinity has been called into question.
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TVTranscript
00:00Oh, Ron, don't do anything rash. You've only been cut back to a part-time.
00:13You may mock, Kitty, but this valve hasn't been touched in years.
00:16This whole thing needs to be taken apart piece by piece and thoroughly checked.
00:21Right, well, have it your own way. I'll just roast tonight's chicken with my hairdryer.
00:25Oh, come on, Dad, it's not that bad. I mean, you've only been cut back to part-time.
00:31That's exactly what I said.
00:34There's nothing funny about trying to keep this household in working order.
00:40I'll be in the tool shed.
00:45Eric, I'm really worried about your father.
00:48I mean, I know he's felt a bit useless since he's been cut back to part-time,
00:51but he keeps going round the house mending things.
00:55Things that don't need mending, initially.
01:00Things I need, things I use, things I love.
01:04Oh, my God, I must hide the blender.
01:07Sounds like Dad's losing it.
01:09He's just got a lot of time on his hands, Dylan.
01:11That's the truth.
01:13Yesterday, he wouldn't let me through the kitchen till I beat him at Kaplunk.
01:16It took me three hours.
01:19Man, he's good at Kaplunk.
01:21Yeah, Mum, he keeps chasing me around the house, calling me chicken,
01:24because I won't play Monopoly with him.
01:26Eric, please play with him.
01:28At least when he's playing Monopoly, he can't damage anything.
01:31Actually, Mum, the last time we played, he started repainting all the hotels.
01:34Oh, Jackie Maguire, I'm so sorry to interrupt you in my garage.
01:50It's all right, mate.
01:51Don't worry about it.
01:52I feel like David Attenborough watching a pair of chimps go at it.
01:58Yeah, the only difference is the IQ.
02:00Yeah.
02:01Chimps must be well into double figures.
02:04Michael, I think your friends obviously don't understand about
02:07true love forever.
02:09Forever.
02:14Well, quick question.
02:16Can you not find anybody a little less annoying to go out with?
02:19Yeah, like a flu virus.
02:22Do you think she's annoying?
02:23I think of her as quirky.
02:26Yeah, but that's because you don't know what it means.
02:29Yeah.
02:30Well, at least I'm getting somewhere with Jackie.
02:33Oh, yeah, and what's that supposed to mean?
02:35I think he means, Eric, that Donna will not make you a thang sandwich.
02:40Leave the loan at all.
02:42Eric's going at his own pace.
02:44He's hoping to hold hands before he's 30.
02:47Oi, you.
02:48Oh, I'm going to mend this washing machine.
02:51Dad, it's not broken.
02:52Don't worry, it will be soon.
02:55What did you say?
02:57I said it will be soon.
02:59Working perfectly, once again.
03:01I just said it really, really fast.
03:06I just said it really, really fast.
03:36And so, as a young relation prepares to serve, the crowd goes still.
03:41You could hear a pin drop in this magnificent stadium.
03:44But suddenly, from the crowd, a chant swells up.
03:47Foreman, fore...
03:49Oh, ho, ho, woo!
03:51That's it, game.
03:53Winner stays on.
03:54Ready, Maguire?
03:55No, no, I've got a goal, Donna.
03:56It's almost nine, and I've got a cold Jackie.
04:00Who loves you, baby?
04:02Sure.
04:02So, as Foreman prepares to unleash one of his deadly serves,
04:08young Donna Palmer must be ruining the day she ever pulled on
04:10the tight white shorts of championship table tennis.
04:14Should we start with an easy one?
04:19Oh, and the Palmer fits a point!
04:21Hell freezes over, a monkey types Hamlet.
04:23You know, this really is an incredible feat against the man they call the Ping-Pong King.
04:28Yes, well, love won, Ping-Pong King.
04:34And Palmer's about to serve.
04:37She faints the serving right.
04:39She faints the serving left.
04:40She faints the ball.
04:41Was she faints the anymore?
04:42And she faints the left?
04:44She's got to win all sorts of trouble here.
04:46Donna, what are you doing?
04:48Time wasting.
04:49There's no time limit in table tennis.
04:54Oldest trick in the book, Eric.
04:55Game set and match.
05:03Water thrashing.
05:04You are an embarrassment to the game.
05:06OK, I'm going in now, but I'll leave the light on.
05:09You know, I wouldn't want you to gloat in the dark.
05:12Eric, do you want the balls back?
05:14Now, come on, that's a bit uncool for me.
05:21Yeah.
05:23Thanks.
05:23Thanks.
05:25Is this table wobbling?
05:42No, I don't think so.
05:45Definitely got a wobble.
05:46Yes, well, anything will wobble if you shake it hard enough.
05:49Give us a hand on this, Eric.
05:50I'll turn it over and we're all playing down the legs, yeah?
05:52Ronnie, not while we're eating.
05:54Dad, why don't you just, I don't know, put a little bit of folded paper underneath the leg?
06:07Folded paper.
06:10Folded paper.
06:11You see, that's what's wrong with this country, Eric.
06:15It's the British disease and it's eating our hearts out.
06:18No one wants to roll up their sleeves and work.
06:20They're all looking for the little piece of folded up paper solution.
06:24Well, not me.
06:24I'm going to get the sore.
06:33Mum, has Dad gone bonkers?
06:37I'm afraid so, dear.
06:39Would you kill a man for a chocolate mousse?
06:57No.
06:58But I would kill a mousse for a chocolate man.
07:01I'm laughing.
07:05But I don't know why.
07:11So, I hear Donna beat you a table tennis man.
07:17Is it is true, Eric?
07:19Well, yeah, but, you know, it's not a big deal.
07:22Oh, sure, no.
07:25Not at all.
07:27Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.
07:31Yeah, especially a girl you love.
07:35You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.
07:41Really?
07:42Yes.
07:44But we are in England.
07:46Wimp.
07:49Wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp.
07:52Oh, my God.
07:56Wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp.
08:00Oh, Donna, what about him?
08:02He's totally under Jackie's thumb.
08:05Chethered like the family goat's.
08:08What are you talking about?
08:10I'm not under the film.
08:12I'm a dude.
08:15Call me at nine, Michael.
08:18Michael, do your Kojak impression.
08:21Ha, ha, ha.
08:22Michael, rub oil into my thighs while I spank you.
08:36Please somebody else talk now.
08:41Yeah, I think that's it.
08:46Sorry, it's a rock.
08:48That looks lovely, Ron.
08:53Now.
09:00Now, why don't you go and watch a bit of telly while I make us some lunch?
09:04Yes.
09:05Yes.
09:06Yes.
09:07Kitty.
09:37Release that melon.
09:41You know, you haven't been fishing in ages.
09:43Kitty.
09:44Step away from the table and release the melon.
09:58Well, I've got to get back off to work.
10:03Midge.
10:04Yes, Bob?
10:05This table's a bit wobbly.
10:08Will you shove a piece of paper under it?
10:15Hello?
10:16Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
10:18Donuts for you.
10:21Hello?
10:22You beat Eric at a game.
10:23How could you do that?
10:24Don't get your knickers in a twist.
10:26I only want a game of table tennis.
10:27Eric will never be your boyfriend if you keep beating him at things.
10:30Why would that make a difference?
10:31Did Juliet beat Romeo at table tennis?
10:34No, of course not.
10:35And you know why, don't you?
10:36Because it'd be completely anachronistic.
10:39No, because if she'd beat him, then they would never have had the happy ending.
10:43Don't worry, Jackie.
10:44I'm sure me and Eric will get round to a double suicide somehow.
10:51You know, Donna, I think your annoying friend might be right.
10:54What?
10:55Well, as you grow up, things change.
10:58Mum, Eric and me have been playing games our whole lives.
11:01It can often help in a relationship if a man wins.
11:05Well, Eric does win sometimes.
11:07He wins the games of chance and I win the games of skill and judgment.
11:12Baby, sometimes women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.
11:18Mum, if women pretend to be weak, then men will always control the world.
11:21Oh, it's weird art men don't control the world.
11:27OK, well, I'll see you later.
11:30Oh, Bob.
11:33Could you just pop the top off that for me?
11:35Of course, honey bunch.
11:37There you go.
11:39Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
11:41Oh, I'm so lucky to have my big, strong, grizzly bear round the place.
11:45Bye, sausage.
11:53First of all, yuck.
11:55And second of all, the world doesn't work like that anymore, Mum.
11:57We don't have to pretend to be the helpless girl to get what we want.
12:00That's what that Sex Discrimination Act's all about.
12:03Yeah.
12:03You stick to your principles.
12:06Forty years from now, you can tell all your cats, hey, you're one at table tennis.
12:08So I was like, he is such a womble, and she goes, well, it takes one to know one.
12:16And I went, get knotted.
12:17She went, nah, and I went, yeah.
12:19Uh-huh.
12:20Oh, man.
12:21You're still on the phone.
12:23Come on, let's go.
12:24How come?
12:25Look, the film starts at ten past, and all the nudie bits are in the first half, so let's go.
12:33Wimp.
12:34Jackie.
12:35Hold on.
12:36Look, I could tell her there's an emergency, and I've got to go.
12:42I mean, she'll buy that, right?
12:43Yeah.
12:45Except for one thing.
12:51Jackie.
12:52Come out from under her thumbs.
12:54Yeah.
12:55Look, she hung up on you.
12:56Let's go.
12:57We'll call her later, OK?
12:59Yeah, she hung up on me.
13:00I mean, let's go.
13:06Do you, um, fancy a game of table football?
13:09With you?
13:10Um, I'd love to, but, uh, I'm feeling kind of tired, and I'm rest certain.
13:16I think I'm coming down with the flu.
13:20That's just as well.
13:21I'm not very good at it.
13:24Well, I suppose one game isn't going to kill me.
13:27And you can throw her first.
13:33Me?
13:37There's no way you could have stopped that.
13:39It was going so fast you didn't even see it.
13:41I saw that.
13:49Ka-ching!
14:10That's game.
14:11I win.
14:13That's all.
14:16Are you OK about that?
14:17Of course.
14:18Of course.
14:47Bingo.
14:52Oh, my God.
14:53No, no, because we can just clear these chairs out of the way,
14:57and then we can sit on the floor like those nice Japanese people,
15:00with their tea and kung fu.
15:03No, I'm going to have to make new legs for the bloody thing.
15:06I'll be in the tool shed if you want me.
15:08All right, well, take your time and do a good job.
15:15You can call me if you need anything.
15:18Shh.
15:20You know, if you want...
15:21Shh!
15:23But if you want...
15:24Is it me?
15:32Or is that fridge making a noise?
15:38What fridge?
15:39Oh, no, Ronnie.
15:42Ronnie, there is no noise.
15:44Ronnie, it's not making any noise.
15:46Ronnie!
15:47I love you, baby.
15:50And if it's quite all right, I love you, baby.
15:53I love a lonely night, I need you, baby.
15:57Wow, good shot.
15:59Thanks.
16:00I don't remember you being this good.
16:01Have you been practising?
16:02A little.
16:04Do you want a game?
16:06I don't know.
16:10All right, OK, then.
16:11How about a 301 you stop?
16:23I'm such a smurf.
16:27Donna, what are you doing?
16:30I'm losing to you, you big, strong, grizzly bear.
16:33Grr!
16:35Donna, you're losing on purpose.
16:38What do you mean, on purpose?
16:39I'm doing the best I can.
16:40It's just that you're so much better than me.
16:43Donna!
16:43OK, look, I didn't mean to feel bad about losing to a girl again.
16:46Oh, well, thanks.
16:47Being pitied and patronised is so much better.
16:49God, I can't believe you actually care about this, Eric.
16:51All I did was beat you at a few stupid games.
16:54A few?
16:55A few?
16:55No, two.
16:56Two stupid games, and I don't care.
16:59So just please leave my property.
17:02Fine.
17:03As long as you don't care.
17:05Have you, um, been there the whole time?
17:15No, no.
17:15I just came to the garage to get one of your dad's tools.
17:19Did I gather you and Donna are going through a bit of a rough patch?
17:21No, Mum.
17:22We're rehearsing a play about two people who hate each other.
17:25All right, Mr Smarty Pants.
17:27But when you get a little bit older, you'll realise how silly it is to get upset about losing to your girlfriend.
17:33Look, firstly, she's not my girlfriend.
17:35She's just some girl who lives next door.
17:36And secondly, you know what?
17:38I don't want to talk to you about this.
17:40Oh.
17:41I don't want to talk to you about it either.
17:42But I will tell you one thing.
17:44Your father and I have played many, many games over the years.
17:47And we've never kept score.
17:49And we've always had fun.
17:51Now, what did I come out here for?
17:53Oh, yes.
17:54Your father's fixing the fridge.
17:55Funny, sweetheart.
18:04Never mind about the fridge.
18:06There's something wrong with this garage door.
18:12Come on.
18:13Oh, listen, I'm telling you.
18:15Michael, we need to talk.
18:20And I'm over here.
18:22Oh, God.
18:23What am I going to do?
18:26Well, you could.
18:27And I know this is a radical suggestion.
18:30Be a man.
18:32You're right, Dylan.
18:33No more excuses.
18:36She will crush him, yes?
18:37Like a pathetic worm.
18:40So, Michael.
18:42So, Jackie.
18:45I didn't mean to make you hang up on me.
18:48I'm sorry.
18:48What happened again?
18:50It's OK.
18:50You were obviously under a bad influence.
18:53Oh, yeah.
18:56Michael, I'm thirsty.
18:57Get me a drink of pop.
18:58Right.
19:01What was that sound?
19:04Sounded like two balls being broken.
19:07I am ashamed to know you.
19:10Oh, yeah.
19:12Well, I'll tell you what.
19:12Hands up all those who are getting it.
19:14Anybody else getting any?
19:17Hmm?
19:18Thor?
19:18Dylan?
19:19Yeah, all right, mate.
19:21Yeah.
19:21What are you doing?
19:37Oh, just throwing some arrows, waiting for an apology.
19:40Oh, well, when you think of a good one, let me know, huh?
19:45OK, look, we're both acting like idiots and I'm sorry.
19:48Yeah, I'm, uh...
19:49I'm sorry, too.
19:51Maybe we just shouldn't play darts anymore.
19:58Or any game, for that matter.
20:00Yeah, maybe you're right.
20:02End of an era, eh?
20:08Do you remember when we were eight and I beat you arm wrestling?
20:10Yeah, when I lost, you said I had to eat mud.
20:17Come on, how about one last game?
20:21If I lose, do I have to eat mud?
20:24We'll see.
20:31Oh!
20:32Ah!
20:34I win.
20:36You cheated.
20:36You didn't just use both hands.
20:37You used your entire body.
20:40Where are you going?
20:41I'm getting a piece of mud.
20:43Oh, no, I still breathe.
20:47Oh!
20:48Any time you want to submit, just let me know.
20:50Big Daddy will never be defeated.
20:59What?
21:01Nothing.
21:05Donna!
21:06That's my hat.
21:07You better go.
21:08Bye.
21:08See ya.
21:09Wait, wait, who won?
21:11Who cares?
21:12Not me.
21:13Cool.
21:15Well, that was pretty pathetic, Eric.
21:17What?
21:18Come on, I'm going to teach you how to arm wrestle.
21:20We've got four hours till your bedtime.
21:22By the time we finish, you're going to wish you never had biceps.
21:25I want to see you get down there and do 20 press-ups.
21:28But I thought that...
21:30The mum needed your help!
21:32Sorry, I can't hear you.
21:33Do the ironing.
21:33But she was using both hands.
21:38Son, she's a girl.
21:42No excuses.
21:43Now get down there.
21:51One.
21:52Two.
22:02Two.
22:0220.
22:0320.
22:04Okay.
22:05Now the real work begins.
22:19Let's arm wrestle.
22:21So Meg hasn't given him a room key.
22:23He's not supposed to be in the West Midlands, let alone the motel.
22:26But he's so desperate to see her that he pushes past Benny.
22:29And there she is.
22:30Oh, isn't that romantic?
22:33Say, yes, it is.
22:34Yes, it is.
22:38Don't you just love romantic scenes?
22:41Yes, I do.
22:43Yes, I do.
22:46Do you know what makes a good romantic scene?
22:48That night we went skinny dipping in the reservoir.
22:51Remember?
22:54No, describe it to me.
22:57Oh, describe it to me.
23:00Michael, you're so naughty.
23:02Okay, well, the water was really cold.
23:07So when I dived in, well, you know.
23:10No, I don't know.
23:18Dad, about this table.
23:21Eric.
23:21What about the table?
23:22It's just that it's so nifty, Ron.
23:25Well, I think I should shave the legs down.
23:30That would ruin it.
23:32For God's sake, woman, I know how to cut the legs off a table.
23:35Yeah, tell her me.
23:36What did he say?
23:38Nothing.
23:38Nothing.
23:39I'm nothing to do.
23:40No, no, no.
23:40No.
23:41No, no.
23:42No, no.
23:44No, no.
23:46No, no.
23:46busted.
23:51I don't know what else to do.
23:56You know what else to do?
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