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Have I Got News for You (US) Season 3 Episode 4
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00:00Welcome to Have I Got News.
00:29For News For You, I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:32In the news this week,
00:34senior citizen demonstrates the effect of Tylenol.
00:39Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen.
00:42American public still looking for the Epstein files.
00:49Mike Johnson sends new alert to his son.
00:52Simply start from the base of the rump,
00:55rubbing your way out,
00:56and follow it to its natural conclusion.
00:58On Amber's team tonight, you know him from his stand-up
01:01and a little program called The Daily Show.
01:03For me, he'll always be the guy that showed me
01:05where the bathroom was on my first day.
01:07It's Louis Black.
01:12And joining Michael,
01:14she's the political commentator, author,
01:16and host of The Joy Reid Show.
01:18Tonight, she's the joy to Louis' anger.
01:21It's Joy Reid.
01:22Amber, Louis, I'm going to show you a couple of clips.
01:30You watch the clips, and you tell me what's the story.
01:35This story is about flags and how you feel.
01:38Oh, escalators.
01:39Now, that's for lazy people.
01:41Speaking of lazy people,
01:43yo ass reading this teleprompter.
01:45Drugs?
01:46Oh, this is my favorite.
01:48Oh, call me the homie.
01:50All of those things are things
01:52that Trump is mad at right now.
01:55Yes, the story is,
01:56President Trump keeps making new enemies.
01:59It all started at the United Nations General Assembly
02:01here in New York,
02:02where as soon as the president arrived,
02:05he locked horns with a powerful adversary.
02:07President Trump,
02:15why did you cancel the meeting with Chuck Schumer?
02:17It's like the escalator new.
02:20You're like, oh, no, I heard about your ass.
02:24That wasn't the end of it.
02:26Trump had all types of technical difficulties at the U.N.
02:28Thank you very much.
02:30Very much appreciated.
02:37And I don't mind making this speech
02:41without a teleprompter
02:42because the teleprompter is not working.
02:48I feel very happy to be up here with you, nevertheless.
02:52And that way you speak more from the heart.
02:55I can only say that whoever's operating this teleprompter
03:00is in big trouble.
03:07Hello, madam, first lady.
03:19That's what you're supposed to do as a comic.
03:20When you're trying to buy time,
03:22you're like, give it up for the ladies.
03:23What's going on?
03:25Hey, what's your name?
03:26Melania?
03:26Good to meet you.
03:27Oh, wow.
03:29Anyway, have y'all seen the Marlon Wayans football movie?
03:32It's crazy out there.
03:33I would have thought there'd be more
03:34pointing out different ethnicities.
03:36You think he can tell the difference in types of blacks?
03:40You're right.
03:41Wait, there's different types?
03:46Now, we...
03:47Now, we all saw how Trump's day started.
03:54How did he respond to Escalator Gate?
03:58He wasn't happy.
04:00But what was nice about what we just saw,
04:03that was the best part of his speech that day.
04:06You might say he escalated it.
04:09Oh, damn.
04:10Yeah.
04:14Now, when I say some corny shit later on,
04:17y'all better clap for that.
04:19The answer, the Escalator broke,
04:22and for that, Trump wants heads to roll.
04:25Trump posted and said, quote,
04:26First, the Escalator going up to the main speaking floor
04:29came to a screeching halt.
04:31It stopped on a dime.
04:32It's amazing that Melania and I didn't fall forward
04:35onto the sharp edges of these steel steps, face first.
04:39It was only that we were each holding the handrail tightly,
04:43or it would have been a disaster.
04:45This was absolutely sabotage.
04:48The people that did it should be arrested.
04:53Thank God Melania was in front of me
04:55so I could fall safely onto her body
04:57as the stare impaled her soft skin.
05:01That she does not allow me to touch.
05:07Here's Fox News' Jesse Waters.
05:10Yeah, they sabotaged him.
05:11And they could have hurt the First Lady.
05:14Trump would have fallen and would have gotten back up.
05:17They would have blamed it on his rhetoric.
05:20And then they sabotaged the teleprompter.
05:23I mean, this is an insurrection.
05:26And what we need to do is either leave the UN
05:29or we need to bomb it.
05:33This is worse than January 6th,
05:35which was a hoax.
05:39Can you just blow up the UN?
05:41Is that like a Venezuelan boat?
05:44Yeah.
05:47We've never been at a point in time
05:49where that would seem to be possible
05:50and that you would ask the question
05:52and I would fucking answer it.
05:56Now, escalators and teleprompters
05:58weren't the only thing that the White House
05:59was complaining about this week.
06:00Question.
06:02Who else is the White House
06:04taking revenge on this week?
06:06Call me.
06:08Okay.
06:08Let's see if that's the answer.
06:10This is CNN Breaking News.
06:14And we are following major breaking news tonight
06:17as former FBI Director James Comey
06:19is now the first senior government official
06:22to face charges
06:23in one of President Trump's biggest grievances,
06:26the 2016 Russia investigation.
06:28So on Thursday night,
06:29a federal grand jury charged
06:31former FBI Director James Comey
06:33with one count of making a false statement
06:35and one count of obstruction
06:37of a congressional proceeding
06:39in his testimony
06:40about Russian interference
06:42in the 2016 election.
06:44What is it that the DOJ
06:45is saying that Comey lied about?
06:48I can't keep track.
06:49What is so difficult about this to follow, Amber?
06:53The escalator broke.
06:55Somebody has to die.
06:57The teleprompter broke.
06:59Somebody has to die.
07:01Nine years ago,
07:02James Comey said to Donald Trump,
07:04it's a pleasure to meet you.
07:05Allegedly,
07:10when Senator Ted Cruz asked Comey
07:12if he'd okayed an FBI employee
07:15to discuss the Russia investigation
07:18with a reporter,
07:19Comey said he didn't.
07:21And the charges against Comey
07:23say that he lied about that.
07:25First of all,
07:25I don't know whether he did or he didn't,
07:26but if that's the standard
07:28that we're indicting people for,
07:30has the DOJ met any of Trump's nominees
07:35who get up and testify
07:38and lie their asses off?
07:42RFK sat there and lied
07:44and lied and lied.
07:45If that's the standard,
07:47they're all going to jail.
07:49And I'm okay with that.
07:52The indictment may have come
07:54to a surprise to a lot of people,
07:56but one person the indictment
07:57was not a surprise to
07:58was Comey himself.
07:59Uh, Comey seemed ready
08:01because the same night he was charged,
08:03he released this video.
08:05My family and I have known for years
08:07that there are costs
08:08to standing up to Donald Trump.
08:10We will not live on our knees,
08:12and you shouldn't either.
08:13My heart is broken
08:15for the Department of Justice,
08:17but I have great confidence
08:18in the federal judicial system,
08:20and I'm innocent.
08:22So let's have a trial
08:23and keep the faith.
08:25If you're up for an indictment,
08:27you got to record the landscape.
08:28You can't...
08:29...be in portrait.
08:33The shit looked like a cameo.
08:35I thought...
08:35Hey, it's James Comey.
08:38Wish you a happy Bob Men's book.
08:39Uh, how did we all hear
08:43about President Trump's plan
08:44to prosecute the former FBI director?
08:47Donald Trump posted a crazy tweet,
08:50but it's on Truth Social
08:51that nobody reads
08:52except all of the media
08:53that reposts his Truth Social post
08:55on their Twitter.
08:56So you're saying
08:57if nobody reposted his Truth Social,
08:58then nobody would even see it?
09:00Correct.
09:00Yeah.
09:01So the media's complicit
09:02and spreading Trump's message.
09:04Every day.
09:05Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:06Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:07Yes, points to Joy.
09:08You're correct on that.
09:09We knew it was coming down the pipe
09:10because Trump accidentally posted
09:12what was supposed to be a DM...
09:14Oh, no.
09:15...on the main feed.
09:17Overnight, an extraordinary statement
09:19from President Trump.
09:20It appeared to be a direct message
09:22to his Attorney General, Pam Bondi,
09:25but it was posted on Truth Social
09:27for the world to see,
09:28pressuring her to prosecute
09:30his political enemies.
09:32The president wrote, in part,
09:34Pam, I have reviewed over 30 statements
09:37and posts saying that essentially,
09:39same old story as last time.
09:41All talk, no action,
09:42nothing is being done.
09:44We can't delay any longer.
09:46It's killing our reputation
09:48and credibility.
09:49They impeached me twice.
09:51They indicted me five times
09:53over nothing.
09:54Justice must be served now.
09:57See, I'm old enough to remember
09:58when that thing right there
09:59was an impeachable offense.
10:02What I'm saying is
10:03I'm older than eight months old
10:05because that's how...
10:06You mean sending something
10:09that you think you're sending
10:10on a social message board,
10:12only you send it as a direct message.
10:15Oh, you send it in the open
10:16and not a direct message.
10:17Yeah.
10:18That, to me,
10:19is the impeachable offense.
10:22There are synapses,
10:24that's a word I've rarely used,
10:27in people's heads,
10:30and his have a tendency
10:32to be scattered.
10:33So it's supposed to go this way
10:35and go,
10:36it's going out as this, Donald,
10:38and the...
10:39But that's...
10:40It doesn't go that way.
10:42It's, fuck you,
10:43we're going that way.
10:45And then on top of all of that,
10:47Pam Bondi had Trump's
10:48former personal attorney,
10:50Lindsey Halligan,
10:51sworn in as an interim U.S. attorney
10:53just to prosecute James Comey.
10:56What do we know about
10:57new interim U.S. attorney,
10:59Lindsey Halligan?
11:00There she is.
11:01Maybe it's Maybelline.
11:03She's in the Trump administration,
11:05so in, like, three months,
11:06she's going to look busted.
11:09She's never...
11:10She's never prosecuted anybody.
11:12I've done more.
11:15The other piece that
11:16people are forgetting
11:17is the guy who had that job
11:19refused to do it
11:20and had to resign
11:21because he said
11:21there's nothing to prosecute
11:23James Comey for,
11:24and he's actually an expert.
11:25Well, if she was never a prosecutor,
11:27what was her job?
11:28Her most recent job
11:30was restoring truth
11:32and sanity
11:32to American history
11:33by addressing
11:34the overemphasis
11:35on slavery
11:35at the Smithsonian Institution.
11:38Oh, shit!
11:41But here's Lindsey
11:42explaining her last trip
11:44to the museum.
11:46What I saw
11:46when I was going
11:47through the museums personally
11:48was an overemphasis
11:50on slavery,
11:51and I think there should be
11:52more of an overemphasis
11:53on how far we've come
11:54since slavery.
11:55Oh, yay!
11:58So, like,
11:58the bad part about slavery
12:00was the slaves.
12:01And I feel like
12:03there's too many slaves
12:04in slavery,
12:05you know what I mean?
12:06Chains, cute.
12:07Whips, fun.
12:09The slaves, ugh.
12:12Either way,
12:13Lindsey Halligan
12:13is now the U.S. attorney
12:15prosecuting James Comey.
12:17So, are the charges
12:19going to stick?
12:21That's why he made
12:21a video in portrait,
12:23because he's like,
12:23I don't have a problem.
12:24That lady's prosecuting him.
12:25He's going to be fine.
12:26The legal brief,
12:28which I can't read
12:29any of that shit,
12:30is two sentences.
12:33And that's it.
12:35No.
12:38If they can prosecute him
12:39on something that fickle,
12:40do you think that opens it up
12:42for other prosecutions
12:43of, like, other liberals?
12:45No.
12:45I think once Trump
12:46has indicted
12:47one of his political enemies,
12:49he's got it out
12:49of his system.
12:52Smooth sailing
12:53from here on out.
12:54It doesn't sound like
12:55Trump is done.
12:57Here's what he said
12:57on Friday morning
12:58when asked
12:59if he's going after
13:01people on his
13:02enemies list.
13:04It's not a list,
13:04but I think there'll be others.
13:06I mean, they're corrupt.
13:07These were corrupt,
13:09radical-left Democrats.
13:11Because Comey essentially
13:12was a...
13:13He's worse than a Democrat.
13:14I would say the Democrats
13:15are better than Comey.
13:17But, uh,
13:18no, there'll be others.
13:20So there is a list.
13:22Do you go...
13:23Do you think
13:24you're one of the people
13:25on Trump's list?
13:27Me?
13:27Yeah.
13:28I think that
13:28his primary anger
13:30is the people
13:31in his first term
13:32that he feels
13:33betrayed him.
13:33We just get fired.
13:35Right.
13:36And he's got to go
13:36through a lot of stuff
13:37before we're fired.
13:38So I'm safe
13:39for a while?
13:40Oh, you are safe.
13:44Well, don't say it
13:45like that.
13:48You make it seem
13:48like I'm not even
13:49on his radar.
13:50I could be on his radar.
13:51Oh, boy.
13:52He hates you.
13:54Yeah.
13:54Yeah.
13:55The president
13:56hates your guts,
13:57little buddy.
13:58He does.
13:59What else landed
14:01in the administration's
14:02crosshairs this week?
14:04Tylenol.
14:06Let's see.
14:07Tylenol.
14:08Tylenol.
14:08Tylenol.
14:09Tylenol.
14:10Tylenol.
14:10The Tylenol situation.
14:12I think we found
14:12the answer to autism.
14:15And what was that?
14:16Tylenol?
14:17Really?
14:17Tylenol.
14:22Just a quick note.
14:23We're using the brand
14:25name Tylenol here.
14:26But the drug's actual
14:28name is acetaminophen,
14:29which some people
14:30apparently have a hard
14:32time saying.
14:33The FDA will be
14:34notifying physicians
14:36that the use of
14:37acetaminophen.
14:38Well, let's see
14:39how we say that.
14:43Acetaminophen.
14:45Acetaminophen.
14:45Acetaminophen.
14:46Is that okay?
14:49Acetaminophen.
14:49Acetaminophen.
14:52Acetaminophen.
14:52Acetaminophen.
14:53Acetaminophen.
14:53Acetaminophen.
14:54Acetaminophen.
14:54Acetaminophen.
14:54No.
14:56Showing my age.
14:57Wasn't Tylenol
14:59the drug that they,
15:01uh, somebody put
15:02poison in?
15:03And you know what
15:03they found out?
15:04You know who that
15:04was?
15:05RFK.
15:07On Monday,
15:08Trump flanked
15:09by RFK Jr.
15:10and Dr.
15:11Oz
15:11announced that
15:13the FDA
15:13will begin,
15:15quote,
15:15strongly recommending
15:17that women limit
15:18Tylenol use
15:19during pregnancy
15:19unless medically
15:21necessary,
15:22out of concern
15:22that it may
15:23contribute to
15:24children developing
15:25autism.
15:27And Trump
15:27definitely consulted
15:28the experts.
15:29Uh, here he is
15:30talking about vaccines
15:31in that same speech.
15:33The MMR,
15:34I think,
15:34should be taken
15:35separately.
15:35This is based on
15:36what I feel.
15:38I need, uh,
15:41a minute to weep.
15:43That's really
15:46just...
15:48Hey, that's
15:49what being on
15:50this show is.
15:52Really?
15:54It's constant
15:54sadness.
15:56After the Tylenol
15:58announcement,
15:58the World Health
15:59Organization,
16:00called bullshit,
16:01and the American
16:02College of Obstetricians
16:04and Gynecologists
16:05said the claims
16:05are, quote,
16:06irresponsible
16:07and not backed
16:08by the full body
16:09of scientific evidence,
16:11and those groups
16:12weren't alone
16:12in their concern.
16:14Who else pushed back
16:15and said that Tylenol
16:17is safe
16:18for pregnant women?
16:19Mr. Tylenol.
16:20Oh, no.
16:21It was Dr. Oz.
16:24Oh, God.
16:24The next day,
16:25Oz did an interview
16:26with TMZ,
16:27which is where I get
16:28all of my medical news.
16:29Take it when
16:31it's appropriate.
16:32We don't have
16:32a lot of other options,
16:33as pregnant women know.
16:34Lots of the typical
16:36things you would take
16:37for aches and pains
16:37and fevers
16:38are not a permissible
16:40product to be used
16:41during pregnancy.
16:43Acidaminophen
16:43is probably your best option,
16:44but take it
16:45when you really need it.
16:46That's not the problem.
16:47He's going to get indicted.
16:48He's going to get indicted.
16:50The story is,
16:51if America can hold on
16:53until 2028,
16:55nothing bad can happen.
16:56It can only good happen.
17:04Michael and Joy,
17:10watch the clip.
17:11Tell me,
17:12what is the story?
17:13Okay.
17:13Chuck Schumer
17:14and Donald Trump
17:15yelling at Chuck Schumer
17:16as usual.
17:17There's the Capitol
17:17and we're not open anymore.
17:20We're closed.
17:21Oh, I know what this is.
17:22Jimmy Kimmel's ratings
17:23are going through the roof.
17:25This doesn't feel
17:26like a single story to me
17:28because it looks like
17:29we're talking about
17:29the government closing
17:30and then Jimmy Kimmel
17:32returning to air
17:33and I don't know
17:33how those two things
17:34are related.
17:36Nor do I.
17:38The story is,
17:39if Congress can't
17:40get their act together,
17:41the government will
17:42shut down on Wednesday.
17:44But they got a couple days.
17:45They got a couple days
17:46and it's easy peasy.
17:48You can do that.
17:49It's just schedule
17:50the meeting.
17:50Right.
17:51Not why can't they agree
17:52on deal points.
17:54Because Republicans
17:54have to ask
17:55Donald Trump's permission
17:56to get together.
17:57He controls
17:58their every move
17:58and so they can't do it
18:00unless he tells them to
18:01and he instructs them
18:02and they do what he says.
18:03And the Democrats will.
18:06No comment.
18:09When a black woman
18:10cut herself off
18:10then blink.
18:17Listen at how Trump
18:18pulled out of
18:19scheduled negotiations
18:20with Democratic leaders.
18:21President Trump
18:22is canceling plans
18:23to meet with top Democrats
18:25to hammer out a deal.
18:26President Trump wrote,
18:27quote,
18:27after reviewing the details
18:29of the unserious
18:30and ridiculous demands
18:31made by the minority
18:32radical left Democrats
18:34in return for their votes
18:35to keep our thriving country open,
18:38I've decided that
18:39no meeting
18:40with their congressional leaders
18:41could possibly
18:42be productive.
18:44That statement is
18:45psychotic.
18:48Here's my problem.
18:49Minority radical left.
18:52Okay?
18:53All six of them?
18:55When did they come up
18:58with the fact
18:59that there's this
19:00radical left?
19:01Chuck Schumer
19:02is the president
19:03of Antifa.
19:04Don't you know that was?
19:06According to Donald Trump,
19:07Democrats are demanding
19:08free health care
19:10for illegal immigrants,
19:11dead people
19:13on the Medicaid rolls.
19:14I agree with that.
19:16And of course,
19:17Democrats are demanding this.
19:20They want to have
19:21transgender
19:21transgender for everybody.
19:23These people are crazy,
19:24the Democrats.
19:25Wait, wait, wait.
19:26I could get a transgender?
19:27I was just going to say
19:28for everybody?
19:29I take one.
19:30I take one too.
19:31All right.
19:33What are we getting
19:33with the transgender?
19:33Does it mean we all get
19:34a trans surgery
19:35or you get a trans person
19:36to just like kick it with?
19:37Like what?
19:37That's what I thought
19:38was a friend,
19:39right?
19:39A transgender homie.
19:40That means one
19:41for each of us.
19:42Yes.
19:44I think this is what
19:45Trump thinks Democrats want.
19:48Men to woman
19:49or woman to men.
19:51Men to woman.
19:52From penis to vagina.
19:55Women to woman.
19:56Women to men.
19:58I think that's what
19:59every Republican thinks
20:00elementary school is right now.
20:03Also, what the fuck movie
20:04was that?
20:06That's the Wayans Brothers
20:08football film, I think.
20:09That is not
20:11the Wayans football movie.
20:12Emilia Perez.
20:14It got like 12, 13 Oscar noms.
20:17Yeah, it was great.
20:18Is Trump's accusation fair?
20:20You can't hear the Democrats
20:21when they speak.
20:23So he's just making
20:24the shit up for them.
20:26Because when Chuck Schumer
20:27speaks, he goes,
20:28so I'm going to do this.
20:30And then he comes out
20:33and he says,
20:33well, you heard him
20:34and this is what he said.
20:37None of the things
20:38Trump mentioned
20:39are on the Democrats'
20:40list of demands.
20:42In fact, shockingly,
20:43so far the Democrats
20:44seem to be sticking
20:46to their guns.
20:47Does anyone know
20:48how the White House
20:49is responding
20:50to the Democrats
20:51finally standing up to them?
20:53Indicting it?
20:54The Trump administration
20:55is responding with threats.
20:57Specifically,
20:58the White House
20:58is saying that
20:59in the case
20:59of a potential shutdown,
21:01agencies should prepare
21:02for mass firings.
21:05That's been their whole thing.
21:06Yeah, they've already
21:06done that.
21:07I didn't know
21:07this part of this story.
21:09And every time
21:10I come to work,
21:12I really do think
21:13I know it.
21:14What's so funny to me
21:15is you get your news
21:17from this show.
21:18It happens to me
21:21in real time.
21:23The Democrats
21:24are banking on the fact
21:25that President Trump
21:26will be blamed
21:27for a government shutdown.
21:28And to be honest,
21:29they've been told that
21:30on pretty good authority.
21:32Here's the one guy
21:33who doesn't mind
21:34blaming the president.
21:35If there is a shutdown,
21:37I think it would be
21:37a tremendously negative mark
21:39on the president
21:40of the United States.
21:41But only if they're black.
21:42If they're black or Democrat.
21:44But the Democrats
21:45might have a little more help soon.
21:47A few weeks ago,
21:48Democrats won
21:48a special election
21:50in Virginia.
21:51And on Tuesday,
21:52they added another seat
21:53when Democrat
21:54Adeletta Grijalva
21:56won her late father's
21:57House seat in Arizona.
21:59Now, what has she said
22:00is the first thing
22:02she will do
22:03when she gets in office?
22:04They need one signature
22:06to get the Epstein files
22:08released.
22:09And she has said,
22:10I'm going to be
22:10that signature.
22:11Oh.
22:12Yes.
22:12On my very first day
22:14in office,
22:15I will be
22:16the decisive
22:17218th signature.
22:21So who is doing
22:23any and everything
22:25they can
22:26to stop the release
22:27of the files?
22:29Pam Bondi.
22:30Pam Bondi.
22:30Pam on the show?
22:31Surprisingly,
22:32the answer
22:33is Donald Trump.
22:34Trump is reportedly
22:35scrambling
22:36to get Marjorie Taylor Greene,
22:37Lauren Boebert,
22:39and Nancy Mace
22:40to remove their signatures
22:41from the petition.
22:43Yes,
22:44Trump doing
22:44what he does best,
22:45pressuring women.
22:48I mean,
22:48one of the craziest stories
22:50of the year
22:50is those three women
22:52being the voice of reason
22:53on the Epstein files.
22:54Like, that's crazy,
22:55but they are.
22:56And of course,
22:57there was a victory
22:58for free speech
22:59this week
23:00when Jimmy Kimmel
23:01returned to the air.
23:03Give him back.
23:05How did Donald Trump
23:07take Jimmy Kimmel's return?
23:09He said,
23:10you know what?
23:11Fair is fair.
23:13Trump got on Truth Social
23:14and typed this message,
23:16quote,
23:16I can't believe ABC fake news
23:18gave Jimmy Kimmel
23:19his job back.
23:20The White House
23:21was told by ABC
23:22that his show
23:23was canceled.
23:25I'm old enough
23:25to remember
23:26when that would have been
23:26an impeachable offense.
23:29Maybe you don't
23:30put it in writing
23:31that you messaged
23:32the network
23:32and said,
23:33make sure you cancel them.
23:35Kimmel's return to air
23:36did not come easily,
23:37though.
23:38There was a lot
23:38of public outcry.
23:40There was boycotts.
23:41There was threats.
23:41While Jimmy technically
23:42came back on the air
23:43on Tuesday,
23:45that wasn't true
23:46everywhere
23:46at the beginning
23:47of the week.
23:48Panel,
23:48why is that?
23:49Because Sinclair,
23:51which is just
23:52a fabulous
23:53disseminator
23:54of bullshit,
23:57and Nextar,
23:58which I'd never
23:59heard of,
24:00Sinclair,
24:01basically,
24:01they're a very,
24:02very conservative
24:03news group,
24:05which is all the things
24:06that they're yelling
24:07about in terms
24:08of the liberal
24:09news thing,
24:10now we're going
24:11to have a conservative
24:12news thing,
24:13and that's what
24:13they've done,
24:14and they've punished.
24:15They've been sure
24:16to punish.
24:17And by the way,
24:18they made sure
24:19that their stations
24:21in New York
24:22and D.C.
24:23didn't air it,
24:24because it seemed
24:24like it was
24:25kind of personal.
24:25They wanted to make
24:26sure that poor
24:26Donald Trump,
24:27with his little feelings,
24:29didn't see Jimmy Kimmel
24:30back on the air
24:31if he was in New York
24:32or D.C.
24:33Trump did end the post
24:35with a heartfelt sentiment.
24:36He called ABC,
24:37quote,
24:38a true bunch
24:38of losers,
24:39and said,
24:41let Jimmy Kimmel
24:42rot in his bad ratings.
24:44And about those
24:45bad ratings,
24:46Jimmy Kimmel's show,
24:47drew 6.2 million viewers,
24:51and the return
24:52to air monologue
24:53currently has
24:54over 21 million views
24:56on YouTube,
24:57and that's with
24:58over 20%
24:59of the affiliates
25:00in the country
25:00at that time
25:01refusing to air the show.
25:03Now, on Friday,
25:05this happened.
25:06Sinclair says
25:07it will end
25:07its boycott
25:08of Jimmy Kimmel Live,
25:09and the show
25:10will return this evening
25:11on its ABC
25:11affiliate stations.
25:13Sinclair is acknowledging
25:14that it wanted
25:15and made demands
25:16from Disney,
25:17and it's not getting them.
25:21And shortly thereafter,
25:23Nexstar announced
25:23that Kimmel would also
25:25return to their stations.
25:27So,
25:27why do you think
25:28they folded?
25:28I can tell you,
25:29having worked in local news,
25:30and we would have
25:31literally, like,
25:32a major car accident
25:33that interrupted
25:33people's stories
25:34at that local network,
25:36and the calls we got
25:37from women at home
25:38who were sitting home
25:38waiting for their stories
25:39to come on,
25:40they would literally
25:40threaten to burn down
25:41the station.
25:42So, therefore,
25:43you really can't cancel
25:44people's favorite shows.
25:45The viewers really do react.
25:46They really do get mad.
25:47And I think these local stations
25:49were like,
25:49bring back Kimmel.
25:50Save us, please.
25:51I'd also heard that,
25:53like, they were talking about,
25:54like, maybe taking
25:54Monday Night Football.
25:56What you're not gonna do
25:56in the South
25:57is deny people football.
26:00They give up
26:00their morals real fast.
26:04While Jimmy Kimmel
26:05is a duplicitous,
26:06radical liberal,
26:08and we will not stand for...
26:09You're gonna pick
26:10Alabama football?
26:11Wait a minute.
26:13Let's talk turkey here.
26:15What's it gonna pick?
26:16Yeah, this week,
26:17everything's coming up.
26:18Kimmel,
26:19or as CNN analyst
26:20Harry Enton put it,
26:22If Donald Trump's idea
26:23was to give Jimmy Kimmel
26:25more press
26:26and more viewership,
26:27he absolutely did so.
26:28Wait, so you get more ratings
26:30if you get canceled,
26:31then you come back
26:31from the...
26:32Cancel this show.
26:36Say some of the shit
26:37you say in the hall.
26:39So the story is,
26:45if Congress really wants
26:46to avoid that shutdown,
26:47the two sides
26:48are actually going
26:49to have to get together
26:50and talk like this.
26:54Really, 13 Oscar nominations?
26:56So good.
26:57It was so good.
26:58Welcome back to
27:09Have I Got News for you.
27:11It's time for the
27:12Offendo-meter.
27:13Teams have to tell us
27:13who's the offender,
27:14what they did,
27:16and who they offended.
27:18Let's see your offender.
27:19Oh, everybody's like,
27:22everybody went,
27:23ooh.
27:25Y'all so Gavin Newsom thirsty.
27:29That is California governor
27:31and silver fox Zoolander,
27:33Gavin Newsom.
27:35Who did he offend, though?
27:37Whoever hates
27:38that kind of hair care product.
27:41It's massive.
27:42He uses a massive amount
27:43of shit in his hair.
27:45Massive.
27:46You sound like a hater,
27:47for the sake of that.
27:47I'm just kind of astonished
27:50that you're going to get away
27:51with that much fucking
27:52product in your hair.
27:54Newsom offended
27:54Homeland Security Secretary
27:56Christy Noem.
27:57How did Newsom offend Noem?
28:00Brought up the dog
28:01she killed, the puppy.
28:02Newsom offended Noem
28:03last week when he tweeted,
28:05quote,
28:05Christy Noem's going to
28:06have a bad day today.
28:08You're welcome, America.
28:12What does that even mean?
28:13Yeah, what does that mean?
28:13Newsom's tweet was referring
28:15to a new bill in California
28:16that bars ICE agents
28:19from wearing masks
28:20in that state.
28:21But that's not how
28:22Noem took it.
28:24Well, it was cryptic,
28:25and it was really, um,
28:27menacing.
28:28I would say, Sean,
28:29it immediately panicked
28:30my family and friends.
28:31She doesn't have friends.
28:34Come on.
28:35This week,
28:36New York Magazine
28:37published a deeply
28:39reported piece
28:40about Noem's tenure
28:41at Homeland Security,
28:43including rumors
28:44that someone else
28:45is actually running
28:47DHS.
28:49Who is the person
28:50actually running DHS?
28:52Animal,
28:53the drum player
28:54from The Muppets.
28:57Noem's the face,
28:58but someone else
28:59is pulling the strings.
29:00Who's pulling the strings?
29:01Heinrich Himmler?
29:03Any guesses, Joy?
29:05I was also going to say
29:06Heinrich Himmler.
29:06It's rumored DHS
29:09is actually run
29:10by Trump 2016
29:12campaign manager
29:13Corey Lewandowski,
29:15seen here yelling
29:15at a Build-A-Bear employee,
29:17you can't handle the truth.
29:20According to one
29:20former DHS contractor,
29:22Corey Lewandowski
29:23is running DHS,
29:25and Kristi Noem
29:26is just the face of it.
29:28That's her boyfriend,
29:29by the way.
29:29That's what I've heard.
29:31They're both married,
29:32by the way, Amber.
29:33Have I Got News For You
29:34is where rumors start.
29:35Oh, we didn't start it.
29:37Here's a small segment
29:38called,
29:39Who Fuck It?
29:44That is true.
29:45That's part of the rumor
29:46as to why
29:46Noem might actually
29:48be okay with having
29:49a different person
29:50run the company
29:51because it is rumored
29:52that they are
29:53doing it.
29:54And yes,
29:55they are both married.
29:56Noem and Lewandowski,
29:57quote,
29:58are widely understood
29:59by those who work with them
30:01to be romantically attached.
30:03Lewandowski
30:03has also been photographed
30:05leaving Kristi's home
30:06with a duffel bag.
30:07How much money in that?
30:09And Trump's advisors
30:11have witnessed him
30:12slapping Noem
30:14on the butt.
30:15You know,
30:16if you're slapping
30:17somebody on the butt,
30:18that don't mean
30:18that y'all have a set.
30:19You might just be teammates.
30:20Maybe you're just teammates.
30:21Yeah,
30:22like,
30:22good deportation.
30:24But teammates
30:24don't have a hoe bag.
30:25If he's walking out
30:26with a hoe bag...
30:27It's called
30:28a gentleman's satchel.
30:29Sorry.
30:30The New York Magazine piece
30:33also says
30:34that Noem lobbied hard
30:36to be Trump's VP pick
30:38in 2024.
30:39Does anyone know
30:40why Trump
30:40did not pick
30:42Kristi Noem?
30:43Because she's a dog killer,
30:44a puppy killer.
30:45Where do you find this shit?
30:48She's Joy Reid.
30:50She'd be doing the journalism.
30:51I know,
30:51but God damn it,
30:52you need a research staff
30:54out there
30:55going through a paper
30:57day after day after day
30:59to get to the point
31:01where you find out
31:02that asshole
31:03didn't pick her
31:04as the vice president
31:05because
31:07she killed her dog.
31:09I mean,
31:10I can't keep up with it.
31:12It's so adorable
31:13that Lewis thinks
31:14there are still newspapers.
31:16Oh, yeah.
31:17New York Magazine says
31:19people close to Trump
31:20were worried about her
31:21and Lewandowski's
31:22alleged romantic involvement.
31:24But he ultimately
31:25didn't pick her
31:26because of the
31:28unfortunate story
31:29of shooting a disobedient
31:30puppy named Cricket
31:31on the family farm.
31:34Trump said,
31:34quote,
31:35that's not good at all
31:36to his son,
31:38Don Jr.
31:38He said,
31:39even you wouldn't
31:40kill a dog
31:41and you kill everything.
31:46Dear elephants,
31:48ducks,
31:48you kill everything.
31:49You kill vibes
31:50at parties,
31:51but not dogs.
31:52Bro,
31:52you killed that kilo
31:53the other night.
31:55That was the
31:56Fendometer.
32:08Welcome back.
32:10It's time for
32:11Missing Words.
32:14Here's your headline.
32:15San Francisco's
32:16new entertainment draw,
32:18blank.
32:19Virtual eating.
32:21What?
32:22San Francisco,
32:24technology,
32:25virtual,
32:26big on that.
32:27They don't eat.
32:29It's virtual eating.
32:31They show you a picture
32:32and you lick it.
32:35San Francisco's
32:37new entertainment draw,
32:38AI robot fights.
32:40You were close.
32:41I was close.
32:42Yeah.
32:43Son of a bitch.
32:45Get no fucking respect.
32:48An underground robot
32:49fight club has popped up
32:50in the Bay Area
32:51where engineers and tech
32:53workers meet on Friday
32:54nights to watch
32:55whatever the hell
32:57this is.
32:59Oh,
32:59you've got
33:00H.D.
33:00H.D.
33:02Come on.
33:03Greg,
33:04I think you have it.
33:06Wow.
33:06My question is,
33:07why is it an
33:08underground club?
33:09Like,
33:09there's nothing
33:09illegal about this,
33:10right?
33:11I just think
33:11when they become
33:12self-aware,
33:12they're going to
33:13kill us all.
33:13Not punching like
33:14that.
33:16Float like a
33:17butterfly,
33:18steam like a
33:18flammable lithium-ion
33:20battery.
33:22How much would
33:23y'all pay to watch
33:24some of these robots
33:25fight?
33:25Would you go to
33:26AI robot fighting?
33:27I'd rather go to
33:28a virtual eating club.
33:32Tickets cost
33:33100 bucks a piece.
33:34Wow.
33:35But you can
33:36bring a friend.
33:37You get a plus
33:39one.
33:39If you're paying
33:40$100 to watch
33:41underground rock'em
33:42sock'em robots,
33:43you do not have
33:44a friend.
33:46Here's your
33:47headline.
33:48Blank and
33:49blank flight
33:50attendant let
33:51himself down.
33:52Oh,
33:53drunk and
33:53high.
33:54You're halfway
33:55home.
33:55High is one of
33:56them.
33:56Okay.
33:57Mighty.
33:57Mighty.
33:57Mighty.
33:58Mighty.
33:58He's high
33:58and mighty.
34:00Lewis,
34:00you've been
34:01high before.
34:02What else
34:02were you at
34:04the same time?
34:05Thirsty.
34:06Naked and
34:12high.
34:13The flight
34:14attendant let
34:16himself down.
34:17A flight
34:17attendant for
34:18British Airways
34:18was sentenced to
34:19six months in
34:20prison and 80
34:21hours of volunteer
34:22work for an
34:23incident that
34:24happened earlier
34:25this year.
34:26According to
34:26court reports,
34:27the attendant's
34:28co-workers found
34:29him mid-flight
34:30quote,
34:31disheveled,
34:32pale, sweaty,
34:33and erratic.
34:34He locked
34:35himself in
34:35a bathroom
34:36and emerged
34:38quote,
34:38completely naked
34:39and oblivious
34:40to the fact
34:41that he did
34:42not have
34:43on any
34:43clothes.
34:44Naked flight
34:45at least he
34:46ain't come
34:46down the
34:46aisle offering
34:47nuts.
34:51And we're
34:59sure this
35:00was not
35:00RFK Jr.
35:02No,
35:03this person
35:03was working.
35:04flight staff
35:07got the
35:08gentleman
35:08clothed
35:09and seated
35:09but even
35:10then,
35:11prosecutors
35:11said the
35:12man had
35:13dilated pupils,
35:14was unable
35:15to answer
35:15what year
35:16it was,
35:17and he
35:17drank 15
35:18to 20
35:19bottles of
35:19water
35:20during the
35:21flight.
35:22The man
35:22fits.
35:23He had
35:24points.
35:25Tell him
35:25to give you
35:26points.
35:27Come up
35:27off the
35:27points,
35:28boy.
35:31Points.
35:32Here's
35:35your headline.
35:36Dolphins
35:36recognize
35:37friends
35:38by blank.
35:40Smell?
35:40Close.
35:41All I know
35:41about dolphins
35:42is they're
35:42super horny,
35:43so I don't
35:43even want
35:44to answer
35:44this.
35:44You can't
35:45smell in
35:46water.
35:47What can
35:47you do
35:47in water?
35:48Taste it.
35:49Taste it.
35:49Ew!
35:50So,
35:50what do they
35:51taste?
35:52Oh,
35:52urine,
35:52like dolphin
35:53urine?
35:57Dolphins
35:58recognize
35:58friends
35:59by tasting
35:59their piss.
36:01Wow.
36:02Which also,
36:03sidebar,
36:03if you tasting
36:04somebody's piss,
36:05y'all are
36:05more than
36:05friends.
36:08Did you
36:08see that
36:09SeaWorld video
36:10when the
36:10dolphin was
36:10humping
36:11the trainer?
36:12That's what
36:12I'm saying.
36:12They're horny.
36:13And the
36:13dolphin was
36:13like out
36:14on the
36:14platform.
36:15It was
36:15like trying
36:16to...
36:16It was
36:17out of
36:17the water?
36:18Almost.
36:18It was
36:19trying to
36:19get it.
36:19It was
36:20using its
36:20flippers to
36:21like...
36:22Wow.
36:23Like,
36:23when you
36:23want it,
36:24you're gonna
36:24go get it.
36:25Like,
36:25he was...
36:26A paper
36:27published by
36:28those freaky
36:29deekies over
36:29there at
36:32Dolphins,
36:33quote,
36:33can identify
36:34other individual
36:35dolphins just
36:36through the
36:37taste of
36:38their pee
36:38and that
36:39while testing,
36:41dolphins kept
36:41their mouths
36:42open longer
36:43when encountering
36:44the urine of
36:45an individual
36:46that was
36:47familiar to
36:48them.
36:49Mmm.
36:50No,
36:50that's...
36:51That's my
36:52dog,
36:53Keith.
36:53What up,
36:53boy?
36:55That was
36:55Missing Words.
36:56More after
36:56the break.
37:02It's time for
37:11Live Curious.
37:12I'll give you
37:12three biographical
37:13details about a
37:14public figure,
37:15but only one is
37:16true.
37:17Time for three
37:17facts about
37:18Russian president
37:19Vladimir Putin,
37:21seen here with
37:22an amazing
37:23full head of
37:24hair.
37:25Our facts are
37:26he's rumored to
37:27suffer from
37:27IBS,
37:28he's banned
37:29all kids'
37:30bop CDs
37:31and videos
37:31from Russia.
37:32He's been
37:33given dogs
37:34by six
37:34different world
37:35leaders.
37:36It has to
37:37be he banned
37:38kids'
37:38bop.
37:39Taking away
37:39joy from
37:40children,
37:41that's some
37:41Putin shit.
37:42I would go
37:42with one,
37:43because if you
37:43just look at
37:44the picture
37:44again,
37:44he definitely
37:45looks like
37:45he has
37:46to poop.
37:47Vladimir Putin
37:48has been
37:48given dogs
37:49by six
37:50different
37:50world leaders.
37:51Ukrainian
37:52President
37:52Zelensky
37:53has never
37:53given Putin
37:54a dog,
37:55but he has
37:55made Putin
37:55his bitch
37:56a couple
37:56of times.
37:58Why did
37:59Putin's
37:59bowel movements
38:00make headlines
38:01when he met
38:02with Trump
38:03in Alaska
38:03back in August?
38:05Because Trump
38:05said,
38:06this guy
38:07blasts the
38:07biggest dukes.
38:12A French
38:13newspaper was
38:13the first
38:14to report
38:14on Putin's
38:15poop briefcase,
38:17which allegedly
38:18travels abroad
38:19with the Russian
38:20delegation to
38:21ensure that
38:22their leader's
38:23feces do not
38:24fall into
38:25the wrong hands.
38:27Wow.
38:28The level of
38:37paranoia
38:38that something
38:39is going to
38:40be found
38:40in your poop,
38:41even when I
38:42was on LSD,
38:43I didn't get it.
38:45Time for three
38:46facts about
38:47pop icon
38:48and woman
38:48lobbying to
38:49start playing
38:50Christmas music
38:51right after the
38:51Fourth of July,
38:52Mariah Carey.
38:53Our facts are
38:54she eats at least
38:55one packet
38:56of Welch's
38:57fruit snacks
38:57each day.
38:58She employs
38:59a former
38:59Secret Service
39:00agent to
39:01taste her food.
39:02She once went
39:02on a blind date
39:03with Cory Booker.
39:05Which one
39:06is the truth?
39:07Is it the
39:07Cory Booker way?
39:08I think she eats
39:10at least one
39:10packet of
39:11Welch's fruit
39:12snacks each
39:12day.
39:13And the reason
39:14is because
39:15there was a
39:15packet of
39:16Welch's fruit
39:17snacks that
39:18you were just
39:19giving away
39:19in my dressing
39:20room.
39:21And I said,
39:22that's a
39:22clue.
39:27Mariah Carey
39:28once went on
39:28a blind date
39:29with Cory Booker.
39:32Who Cory is
39:33talking about
39:33it just a
39:34little bit?
39:34Years ago,
39:35I was set up
39:36on sort of
39:37a blind date
39:37with Mariah Carey.
39:38No.
39:39Yes.
39:40We laughed
39:41and had a good
39:41time.
39:42It was clearly
39:42not a love
39:43match.
39:43Her brother
39:44or cousin
39:44was there,
39:45too.
39:45There were
39:46witnesses.
39:49Cory,
39:49if a girl
39:50bring her
39:50brother and
39:51cousin on
39:51a date,
39:52it's not
39:52a date,
39:53man.
39:53I don't know
39:53what it is,
39:54but it's not
39:54a date.
39:56This has
39:56been like
39:57Curious Boy
39:57after the break.
40:05Welcome back.
40:07It's time
40:07for which
40:08is higher.
40:08I'll give you
40:09two unrelated
40:10numbers from
40:11the news.
40:12You tell me
40:12which is higher.
40:13The amount
40:14Disney's market
40:15value dropped
40:16between when
40:17they suspended
40:18Jimmy Kimmel
40:18and when they
40:19announced his
40:20return,
40:20or the most
40:22recent GDP
40:23of Aruba.
40:25Wow.
40:26I did an ad
40:27for Aruba.
40:29Get out.
40:29I'm serious.
40:30I turned the
40:31whole fucking
40:31country's economy
40:32around.
40:33I did.
40:35I did like
40:36four ads.
40:37Can you imagine
40:37a weirder
40:38spokesperson
40:39for Aruba
40:40than this
40:42fucker?
40:42It was why
40:43they hired me.
40:44It was like,
40:45you know,
40:45the guy who
40:46hates everything.
40:47It was at that
40:48moment when,
40:49you know,
40:49And they couldn't
40:49afford Larry David?
40:50Is that what happened?
40:51Let's get to the
41:00answer before
41:00he slapped
41:01your ass.
41:03Disney's market
41:04value dropped
41:05$6.4 billion
41:07while Jimmy
41:08Kimmel was
41:09off the air,
41:10and the GDP
41:10of Aruba
41:11is $3.65
41:13billion,
41:15so the amount
41:16that Disney's
41:17market value
41:18dropped
41:18is higher.
41:20I want to
41:21thank our
41:21guests,
41:21Louis Black
41:22and Joy Reid.
41:25And of course,
41:27thank you to
41:28our team
41:28captains,
41:29Amber Ruffin
41:29and Michael
41:30Ian Black.
41:32Before we
41:33sign off,
41:35here are a
41:36few more
41:36stories we're
41:37watching.
41:38Politician
41:39couldn't
41:39possibly have
41:41another
41:41jalapeno
41:42popper.
41:45Jeannie wishes
41:46for four more
41:47years in office.
41:50I'm Roy Wood
41:53Jr.
41:53and I'll
41:53see you next
41:54week for another
41:54episode of
41:55Have I Got
41:55News For You?
41:56And we still
41:57haven't seen all
41:58the Epstein
41:59Fire.
42:00I'm Mo cรด
42:07this
42:07reason
42:08you
42:09are
42:09gonna
42:11give us
42:11how to
42:11get
42:12this
42:13process line
42:13over
42:13season
42:14will
42:17watch
42:19ๅ
42:19Shanghai
42:20Trip
42:21Representatives
42:22on
42:23so
42:25you
42:25saw
42:26her
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