- 2 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
01:08Hey!
01:09Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
01:24I am Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week.
01:28Pete Hexf's fitness mandate hits a roadblock.
01:32Last one.
01:33No, Kenny.
01:34Yeah, there we go.
01:37Eric Adams drops out of the mayoral race.
01:41Hold me now.
01:44I'm sick of you.
01:47Swifty's react to Taylor's life of a showgirl.
01:51Walk the way she, walk the way she, walk the way she, walk the way she, walk the way she.
01:56Former colleagues reflect on the life and times of Jane Goodall.
02:01On Amberstein tonight, he's an actor, podcaster, and contributor to the New York Times Magazine.
02:11So, he's the reason your Sunday papers so damn heavy.
02:14It's John Hodgman!
02:19And joining Michael, she's a writer and comedian who currently hosts the podcast, How Is This Better?, as well as the hit after show, It Ain't.
02:29It's Akilah Hughes!
02:30Now, for the biggest stories of the week, Michael and Akilah, watch the clip.
02:39Tell me, what is the story?
02:41Oh, that's the thing in Chicago.
02:43Oh, no.
02:44Not that.
02:45That's a bunch of soldiers.
02:46Oh, no.
02:47Not him.
02:48Every time I see soldiers in this...
02:49Oh, no!
02:50Oh, my God.
02:51It's getting worse.
02:52This can't be good news.
02:53Oh, no.
02:54Okay.
02:55They're invading cities.
02:56They got Chicago.
02:57They got Portland.
02:58Which is, Trump is moving in on blue cities like the Miss Teen USA contestant.
03:03And...
03:04Oh!
03:05Look, I didn't do it.
03:06He the one did it.
03:08And to sell this nonsense to the American people, Trump and Pete Hexif gathered every general they could think of.
03:15Every single general had the...
03:16Even this general had to show up to the meeting.
03:19For a great note rate, you can get online, go to the general and save some time!
03:24Mm-hmm.
03:25What was the biggest actual news to come out of that speech?
03:29Did it have something to do with the fact that he said he's gonna send troops into American cities as kind of a training ground?
03:35Training ground.
03:36And I told Pete, we should use some of these dangerous cities as training grounds for our military. National Guard, but military.
03:45Because we're going into Chicago very soon.
03:48I'm just curious where they're gonna start in Chicago.
03:50Because there's a lot of places, you know, you're trying to train the troops.
03:53I think the first place you go is to that...
03:54You know that hot dog spot where they cuss you out?
03:56Mm.
03:57Winner circle.
03:58Winner circle, yeah.
03:59If you can survive that, then you can handle Lenny Drill's sergeant.
04:02Yeah.
04:03That's right, because those women will cuss your ass out.
04:04Yeah.
04:05I love it.
04:06On Tuesday, Democratic representative from Pennsylvania, Madeline Dean, cornered Mike Johnson
04:10and said that the president is unhinged.
04:15What did Mike Johnson say in response?
04:17He started to cry and said he would go tattle.
04:21Here's the moment.
04:22The president is unhinged.
04:24He is unwell.
04:25What are you doing?
04:26A lot of folks on your side are, too.
04:27I don't control them.
04:28Oh, my God.
04:29Please.
04:30So, am I crazy, or did Mike Johnson just agree that Trump is unwell?
04:33Yeah, he's like, your guy's unhinged, but you got unhinged people, too.
04:36Aha!
04:37Gotcha!
04:39Doesn't the, uh, Speaker of the House have some power to do something when you think your president's
04:44going cuckoo?
04:45I don't...
04:46I think you're mistaken.
04:48In this country?
04:50I think you were talking about a functioning democracy.
04:52Yes, yes.
04:53My bad.
04:54My bad.
04:55Trump's not just sending troops to one city.
04:56Uh, as of this week, he's planning on sending troops to Portland, Chicago, Memphis, Michael.
05:02Every city's had their own unique way of speaking out and saying that we don't want the National
05:08Guard here.
05:09Question.
05:10How have the great people of Portland chosen to show protests?
05:15Does it involve juggling?
05:16Penny farthings?
05:17Yeah.
05:18You're living in Portland, and you find out a pending military invasion is coming.
05:22I'm bringing out the didgeridoo.
05:25I'm definitely going to adjust my THC gummies to something that's longer.
05:30Turn them up.
05:31They found out about it, and then the white people started giving each other dreads?
05:36Uh, the people of Portland, instead of just protesting and putting a couple signs in the
05:41street...
05:42got butt-naked and started riding their bikes.
05:45Wow.
05:46Yes.
05:47Organizers of Portland's World Naked Bike Ride posted this on Instagram.
05:52There's been so many things that's held us down.
05:57But now it looks like things are finally coming around.
06:01Wow.
06:02But I really think the right way to protest is butt-naked.
06:04Mm-hmm.
06:05Because you're slippery, and they can't...
06:08Yeah.
06:09You ever seen the police try to grab a naked person?
06:11They can't.
06:13I don't know how effective the naked bike ride will be once the National Guard arrives in
06:18Portland.
06:19Uh, but there's one guy on a bike in Chicago.
06:23I'm not worried about him versus the guard.
06:25Hey, I'm out of USC.
06:28Come on.
06:29Come on.
06:30Come on.
06:31Come on.
06:32Come on.
06:33Come on.
06:34Come on.
06:35Come on.
06:36Come on.
06:37Come on.
06:38Come on.
06:39Come on.
06:40Come on.
06:41Come on.
06:43Come on.
06:44Come on.
06:45Come on.
06:46Imagine the horror in your mind when you've just told a group of people here to deport
06:54you, take your bitch ass home, and as you ride away, oh, where's my phone?
07:05If Antifa get on Razor scooters, it's a wrap.
07:08Damn.
07:09So let's get back to the speech.
07:10Trump's opener at the big meeting of the generals was, uh, Secretary of Curbstomp, uh,
07:15Pete Hexf, was focused on our military's biggest issue, pun intended.
07:20Frankly, it's tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see
07:26fat troops.
07:28Likewise, it's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of
07:32the Pentagon.
07:33This man fixed his face.
07:35Look at his face.
07:36He's looking at everybody from the military.
07:38Some of them are fat.
07:40And he's going, no fat chicks.
07:43Yeah.
07:44How?
07:45How?
07:46Pete Hexf summed up his view on the military pretty succinctly.
07:49Uh, question.
07:50Uh, how did he summarize the general's job?
07:53Intermittent fasting is the new mission.
07:56Yeah.
07:57Let's let him answer.
07:58You kill people and break things for a living.
08:00Oh.
08:01That's it.
08:02Yeah.
08:03That's your job.
08:04Not all of them do that.
08:05Like, some generals are just, like, hanging out.
08:06That's why they fat.
08:07So you got to...
08:09That's not the only place you can work and kill and break.
08:12You can be a wife of a house cook.
08:13You can kill and break.
08:14Right.
08:15Yeah.
08:16I mean, the army has a band.
08:17You gonna kill and break people with a sousaphone?
08:21I just want to note, that is the first time, not only has the word sousaphone been used
08:26on this show, but I'm guessing on all of CNN.
08:30That's all gonna change when sousaphone battle comes to...
08:34Coming this spring, hosted by me, John Hodgman.
08:38Now, Pete said what he had to say, but he wasn't the headliner.
08:41Uh, that was, of course, old Donald J. Trump.
08:43Donald weaved and bobbed his way through words for about an hour.
08:46Used a lot of words.
08:47Yeah.
08:48But what word did he say is now forbidden to say?
08:54Forbidden?
08:55Wait, Roy, I'm gonna get her there.
08:58He said a word, you cannot say it.
09:01Now, you can say it.
09:02Oh.
09:03Michael can't say it.
09:04Oh, I know, that's right.
09:05I remember this.
09:06I mean, nuclear.
09:07What are you two talking about?
09:09This is fun.
09:10I'm trying to guess.
09:12Donald Trump is mourning the word nuclear.
09:15He says that you can't say it anymore.
09:17Uh, but don't worry.
09:18The way in which he explained it, he made it weird.
09:21There are two N-words and you can't use either of them.
09:24So now we know one forbidden N-word is nuclear.
09:27Mm-hmm.
09:29Michael, what is the other forbidden N-word?
09:35You can say it.
09:36You can, you, you can say it.
09:38What is the other forbidden N-word that Donald Trump was talking about?
09:48I don't know.
09:49I wouldn't say it even if I knew it.
09:50Nuclear is one word.
09:52Now, what's the other N-word Trump wants to say but can't say?
09:56I don't know!
09:59John Hodgman, you want to help him out?
10:01No!
10:08Now, reviews for-
10:09I'm traumatized the word here!
10:12Huh?
10:13You got the answer right.
10:15Now, reviews for Trump's speech have been mixed at best.
10:19Uh, what, how did actual military personnel react to the speech?
10:25The skinny ones or-
10:28They're the only ones that matter.
10:29Very divided.
10:30Uh, the skinny ones were, like, tight.
10:33I think the military's reaction can be best summed up by this guy who was in the room.
10:41Amber and John, watch the clip and tell me, what is the story?
10:47Chuck Schumer says-
10:48Sorry, I gotta take a nap.
10:50And it's about time, and you know what that means.
10:54Shut down!
10:55Get a point.
10:57The story is, uh, about the government shutdown, or as they'll call it in the history books,
11:02that time when this happened.
11:04We were on the break!
11:06Yes, that's everybody's favorite show, Living Single White.
11:10But just like Ross and Rachel, Democrats and Republicans are spending way too much time
11:15on screen arguing over whose fault the shutdown is.
11:18Uh, let's go through the week real quick.
11:20On Monday, uh, Donald Trump met with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries
11:24to try and hammer out a deal.
11:27What was Donald Trump's takeaway from that meeting?
11:30Was Trump surprised that the Democratic House leader was a black guy?
11:37Shit, that's a pretty good guess.
11:39Yeah.
11:40Here's Trump describing the meeting.
11:42Tell me what you noticed.
11:44Even on the discussion that we'll have with Chuck Schumer, who was here yesterday,
11:48along with, uh, the, a very nice gentleman who I didn't really know, you know who you're
11:54talking about.
11:56See?
11:57Yeah, right.
11:59Trump did what, like, all old dudes do, but they just call you a champ.
12:02Like...
12:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:04Yeah, you know, Schumer and the, you know, the...
12:08The gentles.
12:09Like, he didn't want to say black.
12:10Like, you know.
12:11I don't know that black was what was on his mic.
12:15Trump and the Democrats were not able to hammer out a deal, so the government shut down.
12:21Uh, question.
12:22How has Trump been keeping himself busy during the shutdown?
12:27He's been working hard on ways to reopen the government, trying to figure out, um, some
12:32middle ground.
12:33That's not the answer.
12:35Trump is spending all his time blaming the Democrats and posting through it as best he
12:41can and being as racist as possible while doing it.
12:43Wow.
12:44Uh, earlier this week, Trump checked all the boxes when he posted this offensive deep
12:49fake video on Truth Social.
12:51We need new voters, and if we give all these illegal aliens free healthcare, we might be
12:58able to get them on our side so they can vote for us.
13:01They can't even speak English, so they won't realize we're just a bunch of woke pieces of
13:07shit.
13:08Wow.
13:09What race does he think Hakeem Jeffries is?
13:10Yeah.
13:11That's why he was confused after the meeting.
13:13He was like, you know, Chuck Schumer and, you know, that, that Mexican fellow.
13:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:18How did the Democrats respond to these offensive memes coming from the White House?
13:23Oh, it's gotta be a strongly worded letter.
13:25Give me the opening lines of the strongly worded, stop making my black friend Mexican.
13:31I find it somewhat troubling and non-collegial for you to insinuate that Hakeem Jeffries is
13:44Speedy Gonzales.
13:45No, they stooped to the Republicans' level.
13:48Yeah.
13:49Old Gavin Newsom tweeted his own video, and if I had to see it, you gotta see it too.
13:55The Democrats' proposal is designed to prevent millions of Americans from losing their health
13:59insurance, losing Medicaid coverage, or paying higher healthcare premiums.
14:03Why are you against that?
14:04Uh, no, George. Let me tell you what happened last night.
14:08Everybody can go and review the facts for themselves.
14:11Banana!
14:12This is sort of a political science question, so forgive me if it's boring, but what the
14:16fuck are we doing right now in this country?
14:18What would you have wanted Gavin Newsom to do?
14:20Not that shit!
14:21We're simply putting Mike Johnson through the Minions filter.
14:24Okay.
14:25Like in the Lincoln-Douglas debates.
14:27Does anyone know what the Democrats are actually asking for in these negotiations?
14:35Subsidies for health insurance.
14:37That's right.
14:38I had forgotten why.
14:39Well, that's because the Democrats are such great messengers.
14:42One thing both sides agree on is that Democrats want to give people healthcare, but who are
14:48the Republicans claiming that the Democrats want to give free healthcare to?
14:53Sick people.
14:54They need it.
14:57They're claiming that they want to give healthcare to illegal aliens.
15:02Uh, yeah, Republicans say Democrats are giving healthcare to undocumented immigrants.
15:08Here's Stephanopoulos clearing that up.
15:10Here are the facts.
15:11The proposal does not provide healthcare for illegal immigrants.
15:14Illegal immigrants cannot buy healthcare under the Affordable Care Act.
15:17They cannot receive healthcare subsidies.
15:20Illegal immigrants are ineligible for Medicare, Medicaid, and the Children's Health Program.
15:25The Democratic bill does not make them eligible.
15:27Yes.
15:28It really does look like a minion though.
15:30I didn't even realize that until this moment.
15:32When lies weren't enough, Republicans tried a new tactic.
15:36Threats?
15:37Points.
15:38Thanks, Lloyd.
15:39Donald Trump threatened to fire huge numbers of Americans.
15:44Here's Trump explaining it in the creepiest way possible.
15:50We can do things during the shutdown that are irreversible, that are bad for them and irreversible by them.
15:57Like cutting vast numbers of people out.
15:59They're taking a risk by having a shutdown because, because of the shutdown, we can do things medically and other ways, including benefits.
16:08We can cut large numbers of people out.
16:11We don't want to do that.
16:12It sounds like he want to do that.
16:14Did he say medically?
16:15Medically is what I heard also.
16:17Irreversible medical procedures?
16:18Yes.
16:19He's going to give vasectomies?
16:21If I'm not going to get health insurance from this government, I might as well get an irreversible vasectomy.
16:27Wildly, there seems to be one person that's very excited about these potential layoffs.
16:33Does anyone know who that person is?
16:35Me?
16:36This is the perfect opportunity to fill my life's dream.
16:38Which is what?
16:39Impersonating a national park ranger.
16:43I've had the uniform for years.
16:46I don't feel like you're joking.
16:48I'm going to go into Acadia National Park and tell people no that way to Jordan Pond.
16:53The answer, the person excited about these layoffs, is budget director and an architect of Project 2025, Russell Vogt.
17:01Yeah.
17:02Look like you do to be riding a horse in them shingles commercials.
17:05Oh, my God.
17:07Russell is salivating to fire government employees permanently, or as Senator Mike Lee put it...
17:15Russ Vogt, the OMB director, has been dreaming about this moment, preparing this moment since puberty.
17:22Since puberty.
17:23Right.
17:24Since puberty.
17:25That's what he used to masturbate to.
17:26Oh, yeah.
17:28Which weird is, in that clip, it looks like Mike Lee is still masturbating, too.
17:33You didn't see his hands in that clip.
17:36Also, staying in work while the shutdown is happening will be one government building.
17:40What work will still be happening on a government building?
17:44Could it be the 90,000-square-foot ballroom that he's having constructed?
17:48Oh!
17:50According to a White House official, everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, because in spite of the shutdown, there will not be a stoppage of ballroom work during the shutdown.
17:59Can't stop that ballroom work.
18:01That's right.
18:02They gonna build that ballroom.
18:03How long does it take to build a ballroom, by the way?
18:0590% of the people who know how to build it have been deported.
18:10I mean, you can go to Home Depot, there won't be anyone there.
18:12Just stop!
18:15You don't double down on the good, uncomfortable joke.
18:18Show up at Home Depot.
18:19Hakeem Jeffries will be there.
18:21You're hired there.
18:29Welcome back.
18:34It is time for the Offendo-meter.
18:37Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended.
18:42Let's get it on.
18:44Who's this offender?
18:45Oh.
18:46That's Howard Nutlick.
18:47Lick-nock.
18:48Luck-nick.
18:49Nick-nuck.
18:50Luck-lick.
18:51Nick-nuts.
18:52Howie Nick-nuts.
18:53Lutnick.
18:54Yes.
18:55Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, a man whose hair could be best described as
18:58tariff in the front, party in the back.
19:04Who did Howard Lutnick offend?
19:07I know the answer to this one, and it's kind of juicy.
19:10Ooh.
19:11Oh, should we have a little gossip sesh?
19:12Yeah.
19:13Ooh.
19:14So, go on.
19:16Y'all, Howard Lutnick was on a show, and somebody asked him if he'd ever met Jeffrey Epstein.
19:22And he was like, oh, uh-huh.
19:24And he said, I met him one time, and I went to his house, and there was a massage table
19:28there, and I thought it was creepy, so I got out right away.
19:31But he thinks that there was video cameras in that massage room, and there's videotapes
19:36of all kinds of crazy billionaires, maybe like the one that he works for, that might have videotape
19:41of him.
19:42Ooh.
19:43Ooh.
19:44But you didn't hear it from me.
19:47Points.
19:51Yeah.
19:52Howard Lutnick offended Donald Trump by talking about Jeffrey Epstein.
19:58It's Sergeant Epstein to you.
20:01Here's Lutnick describing the first, and he says, only time he met his neighbor of 10 years,
20:07and what he saw in the unit.
20:08He gives me a tour, and he opens the doors, and there's a massage table in the middle of
20:13the room.
20:14Ooh.
20:15I say to him, massage table in the middle of your house?
20:19How often do you have a massage?
20:22And he says, every day.
20:24And then he, like, gets, like, weirdly close to me.
20:27Ooh.
20:28And he says, and the right kind of massage.
20:32Every day.
20:33Yikes.
20:36Lutnick says he clocked Epstein as a pervert immediately and never hung out with him again.
20:42But question, according to Lutnick, why didn't other powerful people stop hanging with Epstein?
20:51Watch the clip.
20:52So how come Bill Gates and all these other people could hang around him and not see what
20:57you saw?
20:58No, they participated.
21:00Right.
21:01That's what his MO was.
21:02You know, get a massage, get a massage.
21:04And what happened in that massage room, I assume was on video.
21:07This guy was the greatest blackmailer ever.
21:10Blackmail people.
21:12People.
21:15Imagine listening to this on a podcast.
21:17And it's just a dude in your ear going, yeah, there was tapes.
21:19And it was a massage table.
21:21And it was crazy.
21:22And it was freaky.
21:23And now a word from Better Health.
21:28Now, they say that there's tapes.
21:29So if you're wondering where the tapes are, so was the New York Post.
21:35So what happened to those videos?
21:36I assume, way back when, they traded those videos in exchange for him getting that 18-month
21:43sentence which allowed him to have visits and be out of jail.
21:50I mean, he's a serial sex offender.
21:53It sounds like what he's saying is the tapes are currently in the possession of the Department
21:56of Justice.
21:57Mm-hmm.
21:59Oh, did I say that?
22:00And to that point, Democrats in oversight are now calling on Lutnick to testify about
22:08what he knows.
22:09Uh, so I'm not sure if Lutnick meant to drop such a huge bombshell on a podcast like that,
22:15dropping bombshells like it's nothing, or as our esteemed CNN colleague put it...
22:21Did he mean to talk about this?
22:23Don't just go back to the picture.
22:28The last frame of Laura Coates.
22:30She's walking like,
22:31Baby, I don't think you should be saying this.
22:33I can't believe you, baby.
22:35And smirking like a little creep while you say it.
22:38Mm-hmm.
22:39All right, let's see your offender.
22:41Oh, that's bonito.
22:44Someone in the crowd is,
22:46No!
22:48Not the bunny.
22:50Me?
22:51That bunny is offending people because he is making everyone realize that no one is straight.
23:00Yeah.
23:02You look in his eyes, you're gone.
23:04Yep.
23:05Man, woman.
23:06Mm-hmm.
23:07Non-binary.
23:08You want it.
23:09I mean, he's making people mad because he's making them realize that Puerto Rico is a part
23:13of America.
23:14Right.
23:15A lot of people have found that out this week.
23:18Tough break.
23:19Also, he said he was gonna do the whole shit in Spanish.
23:22I don't know if he said that yet.
23:23But that's the rumor.
23:24Let's check with Michael.
23:25Michael.
23:27Is Bad Bunny gonna do the halftime show in Spanish?
23:30Si.
23:34That is your future Super Bowl halftime performer, Bad Bunny.
23:38He did offend a lot of people, but there was one person in particular that almost had like a,
23:43almost like a threat to Bad Bunny.
23:45Who was this person?
23:46Some bitch.
23:47Show him.
23:48Show him.
23:49Show him.
23:50Show him.
23:51I will fuck them up.
23:52Show me a picture, Roy.
23:53Bring him here.
23:54It's Corey Lewandowski.
23:55Somebody care about that ho.
23:56Yeah.
23:57How did Mr. Bunny offend Mr. Kristi Noem?
23:58By having lips.
23:59Wow.
24:01Bad Bunny's been openly critical about Trump's policies in the past.
24:04And Lewandowski was offended when it was announced earlier this week that he would be headlining next year's Super Bowl halftime show.
24:10So yeah, Bad Bunny's been critical of Trump's immigration policy, so Corey rushed to Benny Johnson's podcast to express his displeasure.
24:23Will ICE have enforcement at the Super Bowl for the Bad Bunny Super Bowl halftime show?
24:38Benny, there is nowhere that you can provide safe haven to people who are in this country illegally, not the Super Bowl and nowhere else.
24:45There is no safe haven from you illegal immigrants who have $10,000 in disposable income to go to an American football championship game.
24:55We will be there and we will find you.
25:00Corey wasn't the only person upset with the big games, big booking.
25:04Does anyone know who MAGA supporters want Bad Bunny replaced with?
25:09Definitely a white person.
25:10Yes.
25:11Maybe several white people.
25:12Yes.
25:13Group of them.
25:14Okay, I'm going Nickelback.
25:16Creed.
25:17ZZ Topp.
25:18ZZ Topp.
25:19Who's still white?
25:20Sabrina Carpenter.
25:21Creedence Clearwater Sur...
25:22Creedence...
25:23Survival?
25:24Revival?
25:25Creedence Clearwater Survivor.
25:27Survival.
25:28Yes.
25:29You didn't hear about what happened at Creedence Clearwater.
25:32That's the super group that combines Survivor and Creedence Clearwater Revival.
25:36The band that a lot of MAGA supporters want to see replace Bad Bunny is Tallahassee's own Creed.
25:43Oh.
25:44I feel like, yeah, that was in there.
25:46That was in the list.
25:47In a post viewed over 30,000 times, Twitter user Amuse posted on Monday, quote,
25:52Until we can figure out what's going on with the NFL, President Trump should announce via
25:56presidential proclamation that Creed will replace Bad Bunny as the halftime entertainment
26:02for the 2026 Super Bowl.
26:04There's a lot of confusing shit about that.
26:06Mm-hmm.
26:07First of all, can the president declare by presidential proclamation who is performing
26:13at the Super Bowl halftime show?
26:15The president can proclaim, but we have a Gulf of America.
26:18Oh.
26:19Yeah.
26:20Anything's possible now.
26:21There's no rules.
26:22I don't want that to happen.
26:24Okay?
26:25But that would make me laugh until I died.
26:29That would be so fucking funny.
26:32Yeah.
26:33Yeah.
26:34You're in your living room with your family and the guy's like, with arms wide open.
26:40That's what's going on.
26:41Ladies and gentlemen of the Super Bowl, coming to you from Tallahassee, forced upon you by
26:46presidential proclamation.
26:48Playing their hits.
26:49Playing the one song you know, unasked for.
26:52And now forced upon you, it's Creed.
26:55Now, Amuse wasn't the only one.
26:59Jack Posobiec went on Real America's Voice to express his displeasure.
27:04The response is simple here.
27:06Bring on Creed.
27:07We need Creed.
27:08We need Scott Staff.
27:09I know.
27:10We need them flying down from the rafters.
27:13Why do they love Creed so much?
27:18I think that we should have one white Super Bowl halftime performer just to calm the country
27:25down.
27:26Just to lower the temperature.
27:27White people are a little tense.
27:28If you look at the list of Super Bowl performers over the last seven, eight years, it's been
27:34very black.
27:35Yeah.
27:36Which I love.
27:37That's a good ass thing.
27:38We had Kendrick last year.
27:39You had Weeknd.
27:40You had Rihanna.
27:41You had the Dr. Dre aftermath.
27:43Eminem was there.
27:44Kind of black, Eminem.
27:45Yeah.
27:46You had Usher, and then you had Kendrick.
27:49Right.
27:50Would it kill him to get the Osmonds together and have the Osmonds?
27:53I'm just saying, maybe if we get white people back to Super Bowl, maybe they'll give us
27:57back to government.
27:58That's all I'm saying.
27:59We tried everything else.
28:02We've tried everything else.
28:03That was Offending Meter.
28:18Welcome back.
28:20Time for Missing Words.
28:22Here's your headline.
28:24Blank terrorizing California neighborhood.
28:27Ninja Turtles.
28:28Out of work actors.
28:30There's a lot of us out there.
28:32That's true.
28:33Very mean squirrel terrorizing California neighborhood.
28:37My guess is going to be very mean squirrel.
28:40Shit.
28:41Yes, a very mean squirrel is terrorizing a neighborhood.
28:46Here's the latest from just outside of San Francisco.
28:49The squirrel went to the floor and from the floor tried to jump to my face, which I tried
28:56to protect my face from.
28:58I was like, oh my God.
29:00Neighbors say five people have been attacked, possibly by the same squirrel.
29:04No way.
29:05How do you know that's the squirrel?
29:09Like when you see a squirrel that look like that squirrel, do you even know that squirrel
29:12is a squirrel?
29:13It could be all squirrels be kind of looking alike.
29:15Yeah.
29:16By the time you see that squirrel doing that, it's too late.
29:19That's right.
29:20Now, we don't have any footage of the squirrel attacks, but we do have footage of this one.
29:25He's somewhere with an acorn.
29:27Ow!
29:28Fuck me.
29:29Little bastard.
29:31Stop it.
29:33Ow!
29:34He's attacking.
29:39I would put both them dogs up for adoption.
29:46You a dog.
29:48Your whole existence is to eat my own rodents.
29:52Right.
29:53And you gonna let this motherfucker jump me like that?
29:56Here's your headline.
29:58Staff are arrested causes $55,000 of damage with blank at U.S. High School.
30:05Teenagers?
30:06Ooh!
30:07Spitballs!
30:08That's a pretty good tool of vandalism.
30:12No, John.
30:13John.
30:14What?
30:15I thought the call was for spitballs.
30:17What could you use to create $55,000 worth of damage?
30:22Stink bombs?
30:24Staff are arrested causes $55,000 of damage with fart spray at U.S. High School.
30:31Yay!
30:32That happened at my high school.
30:33Here's the first report.
30:34This is Alexander Lewis, so he is a teacher's assistant in South Carolina.
30:38And deputies say he brought this stink spray online and then used it multiple times for
30:43nearly a month.
30:44Students and staff reported headaches, nausea, and dizziness from the smell.
30:48The school also reported air conditioning damage.
30:51And that is what costs almost $55,000.
30:54The police told him you have the right to remain silent, but deadly.
31:01Wow.
31:02If there was ever a time to smile for your mug shot.
31:07Yes.
31:08Yeah.
31:09When you got arrested for using fart spray.
31:12I'm sorry.
31:13Uh, so the prank cost the school at least $55,000.
31:16Follow-up question.
31:17How?
31:18Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
31:19The air conditioner, he was all up in the vents.
31:20You know where Bruce Willis be crawling around?
31:22He's crawling through the vents with his fart spray.
31:24He broke the shit, yeah.
31:25He broke it.
31:26Now, follow-up question.
31:27If we know it's $55,000 worth of damage caused by a can of fart spray, how much does this
31:3330-milliliter bottle of liquid ass brand fart spray cost on Amazon?
31:41If I buy it in bulk, do I get a discount?
31:43We're going retail, price is right, rules.
31:45Okay.
31:46With tariffs or without tariffs?
31:48Yeah.
31:49Well, damn, that's a good question.
31:51We're gonna go pre-tariff pricing for right now.
31:53This is domestically produced liquid ass.
31:56I never use the domestic liquid ass.
31:58The imported stuff is so much better.
32:00A derriere liquid.
32:02That's a break.
32:04I'm gonna get $4.99.
32:07$4 over here for a 30-mil bottle of liquid ass.
32:10I wanted to say $3.99.
32:11Do you understand what this is?
32:13This is a tool of vandalism.
32:15There's no, like, sensible use for this.
32:19You think it's just gonna cost you $3?
32:22Like, be real with your pricing here.
32:24Price is right.
32:25$1.
32:26$14.01.
32:27A can of liquid ass will cost you $12.99.
32:31Wow.
32:32You can get a can of liquid ass for $12.99 off Amazon,
32:37or you can get liquid ass at Chili's for $8.
32:41The bottle is $12.99, unaffected by Trump's tariffs,
32:43because every bottle of liquid ass is proudly made in the U.S. of A.
32:52That's right.
32:53Shots out to Mills River, North Carolina.
32:58That's the liquid ass factory.
33:00Oh, my God.
33:01Oh, my God.
33:02That's the liquid ass capital of the U.S.A.
33:05Oh, my God.
33:06That's Mr. Words.
33:07More after the break.
33:08It is time for like curious I give you three biographical details about a public figure
33:26but only one is true and you have to guess which is the truth and which a janky stankin
33:31ass lies let's get it started time for three facts about old pillar salesman and real life
33:37warrior Mike Lindell our facts about Mike Lindell are he was kicked out of a casino for counting
33:46cards he had an exorcism performed on him as a child his second of three wives was a jumbotron
33:54operator damn that's which one is the truth team Michael I'll start with you well I don't think
33:59he can count so casinos out we agree casinos out right exorcism clearly couldn't count votes
34:05right had an exorcism he looks like he's been exercised yes but I feel jumbotron I mean it's
34:12so good he wants to be on there I really wanted to be had an exorcism as a child I also wanted
34:16to be exorcism as a child and look we're about hope yeah do you think the exorcism worked if
34:24that would happen it called the demon in yeah yeah yeah the demon was holding the door open
34:30come on more we can fit more in here come on Mike Lindell was kicked out of a casino for counting
34:38cards no way counting cards I always thought he seemed like a dog track guy but before building
34:45his MAGA betting empire Mike Lindell had a number of jobs including being a professional card counter
34:51in an interview with CNBC Lindell shared that when he complained about a deal or two casino security
34:58quote they came around the table and picked me up and literally threw me through the front door
35:05I believe they call that in the casino industry a jazzy Jeff
35:09some of y'all need to watch the fucking classics
35:14watching these damn TikToks you need to watch TV land and watch a good classic
35:21shit shame on all of you does anyone know what new job Mike Lindell is considering
35:28is he thinking about running for office now is that what he's doing Mike Lindell is seriously
35:32considering running against Tim Waltz for governor of Minnesota yes history teacher versus the creepy
35:40teacher so Mike Lindell wants to challenge Tim Waltz but there might be something standing in the
35:46way of Lindell's political aspirations what is standing in the way he's not a US citizen
35:51we're about hope over here that's right is he a felon that was my guess is he that's actually not a
35:58problem though not anymore no is there anything that is disqualifying at this point Mike Lindell
36:05is broke as hell right that is still disqualifying a lot of big box stores dropped the MyPillow brand
36:11and products over Mike's claims in the 2020 election that the election was stolen he's been ordered to
36:16pay 2.3 million dollars for defaming a voting machine employee and he has two more defamation
36:23cases coming up and he testified in court that he's 10 million dollars in debt that boy need to go
36:33back to counting cards no that guy needs to run for office that's how you make money in this country
36:39I just got a notification he's now the governor didn't even bother having an election presidential
36:45proclamation time for three facts about business cougar Martha Stewart our facts are she owns a
36:54minority stake in the monster truck grave digger she's been struck by lightning three times she got a
37:00tattoo to commemorate her time in prison which one is the truth these are all super likely I want it to
37:07be like a tear drop on her face like that if you go to the joint you're getting inked she was in
37:13minimum security bro for a year maybe a little upside down tennis racket yeah
37:20I'm saying she co-owns grave digger because that is the type of pimp shit she be on grave digger
37:30Martha Stewart's been struck by lightning three times wow and she's alive yeah she has superpowers
37:37in an interview with Ellen Martha revealed that she's been struck thrice by lightning saying quote
37:43if it doesn't kill you I think it's good for you which is also what RFK Jr. says about eating roadkill
37:51this has been like curious more after the break
37:54welcome back it's time for I went out I'll show everybody four pictures you'll have to guess
38:10which one sticks out like Leonardo DiCaprio with a woman who can legally rent a car
38:15here's your group of four we have 50 cent Kenan Thompson
38:20and Carly Rae Jepsen who is the odd one out
38:25Roy that's Roy Wood Jr. not Kenan Thompson
38:28Carl Lewis can you tell us who that is
38:33Olympian
38:34okay then my guess is that the other three have like hit records
38:39Roy what's your hit record
38:40sing it for us
38:41okay yeah I like that one
38:46the odd one out is me Roy Wood Jr. earlier this week within the friendly confines of Wrigley Field
38:54I got to throw out an absolute heater of a first pitch before the Cubs played the Cardinals
39:01I know you don't need to see proof of me slinging that heat but uh here it is
39:06that's around get drafted quit this show uh question to the panel uh was that a great first pitch or was that the greatest first pitch
39:20that was really good I'm very proud
39:22points
39:22very
39:23it was it was literally
39:25took you too long
39:26fuck
39:2650 cent Carl Lewis and Carly Rae Jepsen on the other hand have also thrown out first pitches
39:32but they were all notoriously terrible first pitches
39:35here's 50 cents
39:37and his first pitch was not great
39:40just a bit outside
39:42here's nine time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis
39:48that's a world record time Carl
39:55and here's Carly Rae Jepsen
39:58here is the first pitch of the ball game Carly Rae Jepsen
40:01now I'm y'all can make fun of her but I'm not gonna make fun of Carly Rae Jepsen because I owe her $3,000
40:09what do you want to risk
40:11uh $3,000
40:13that would put you in the lead if you're correct
40:15longer versions of hit song titles
40:17Carly Rae Jepsen 2011
40:20perchance you could give me a ring
40:22what is Call Me Maybe
40:25that is the song yes
40:26hold on a second yes you got that right
40:31but could you name any other Carly Rae Jepsen
40:33I can only name three white songs
40:35okay
40:35you name Carly Rae Jepsen
40:38and those are Bruce Springsteen
40:40and Creed of course
40:41there we go
40:42oh my god
40:43that was Out One Out
40:44we'll be right back
40:45uh it's time for which is higher I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news
40:54you tell me which is higher
40:56last weekend singer and actor Selena Gomez and producer Benny Blanco got married
41:03they had a lovely wedding but it raises a question which is higher
41:06the number of diamonds on the custom wristwatch worn by Benny Blanco during the ceremony
41:12speculated to be worth a million dollars
41:14or the total number of Emmy nominations that Only Murders in the Building has received to date
41:21Only Murders in the Building gets nominated every third minute
41:25but Benny Blanco loves the bling bling gosh this is tough
41:29I want to say nominations
41:31all right I'll go with that
41:33yeah fun
41:33yeah
41:34yeah I guess diamonds
41:36you know Benny Blanco's rich
41:38he makes a lot of hits
41:39so the number of diamonds on Benny Blanco's watch is 62
41:44the number of Emmy noms that Only Murders in the Building has received so far is 56
41:50Benny's 18 karat white gold watch was designed by Jacob and Company exclusively for the wedding
41:59it has 58 smaller diamonds and four large diamonds for a total of 62
42:06I don't know I don't like it
42:08it's not it's not for me it works for him
42:10that was Witch's Hire
42:11listen I want to thank our guests John Hodgman and Akilah Hughes
42:15and of course thank you to our team captains Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black
42:20before we sign off
42:23here are a few more stories we are watching
42:26baby uses the potty like a big boy
42:30local man retires to spend more time in Istanbul
42:36I'm Roy Wood Jr. and I'll see you next week for another episode of how I got news for you
42:44and we still haven't seen all the obscene files
42:47goodnight
42:50yeah
42:57yeah
42:57yeah
42:58yeah
43:04yeah
43:11yeah
Recommended
42:05
|
Up next
42:10
42:05
28:24
25:23
29:15
28:21
29:09
29:27
28:24
28:53
29:09
29:02
44:12
28:34
29:03
42:05
40:59
42:05
1:23:42
1:26:50
49:08
28:47
Be the first to comment