- 4 months ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:30Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:36I'm Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week.
00:40Court system attempts to stop Trump's agenda.
00:46Jaws' 50th anniversary re-release earns over $15 million at the box office.
00:53Youngest Democrat in the House celebrates a birthday.
00:56Throw it out.
01:00On Amherstine tonight, he's a journalist and author whose new book, Dirtbag Billionaire,
01:05is all about how the founder of Patagonia gave away his fortune.
01:08It's like Willy Wonka, but with more pup tense.
01:10It's David Gillis.
01:14And joining Michael Lerner, comedian, actor, and writer whose new Netflix thriller, Wayward,
01:20premieres this month, which I don't think is a spoiler, it's Mae Martin.
01:24Now, for the biggest stories of the week, Michael and Mae, watch the clip.
01:33Tell me, what's the story?
01:35Happy birthday.
01:36Oh, it's going to be a fun story.
01:37I like that.
01:38And you're getting a plane trip with money.
01:40Yay!
01:41Wait a second.
01:42What's this?
01:43It was looking so promising, right up until the point where there was a manila envelope.
01:49And I suspect this has to do with Jeffrey Epstein.
01:51Points for you.
01:52Yes, indeed.
01:53It's looking like there's one birthday that Trump found a lot more exciting than his own.
01:58There's nothing more reassuring than just seeing a president sleep during explosions.
02:14Earlier this week, White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt, whose husband is 32 years
02:19older than her, which is not related to the story, just a fun fact.
02:23Leavitt denied that President Trump ever signed a raunchy 50th birthday card for convicted
02:30sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.
02:32The card is actually really more of a book of notes from Jeffrey's friends, and it features
02:38a drawing of an armless woman with a text that says, we have certain things in common,
02:45Jeffrey.
02:46And it continues, a pal is a wonderful thing.
02:49Happy birthday, and may every day be another wonderful secret.
02:54Yeah, and I just want to know, where in Hallmark do you get that card?
02:58There's a Valentine's Day, birthday, for the pedophile in your life.
03:03You can't find that in mahogany.
03:05Oh, no, you can't.
03:09I like black humor.
03:10You don't think R. Kelly was perusing a Hallmark story?
03:18Every time we talk about Epstein, y'all bring up that one.
03:21That's your one.
03:24Get him.
03:25You don't think Bill Cosby was perusing a Hallmark story?
03:26All right, let me go.
03:29Press Secretary Leavitt says that the Donald Trump signature at the bottom of the page isn't
03:35really Trump's signature.
03:37Let's do a side-by-side.
03:39Let's see Trump's actual signature on the left and on the right.
03:43That is Trump's supposed signature from the birthday card.
03:46And now, if you look at both with your eyes squinted, it still looks like a match in 3D.
03:53Everybody is saying that those signatures match and that they're real.
03:57And the Republicans are going, uh-uh, they're real.
04:00The Republicans are saying that there's one more thing that they need to prove that the
04:05signature is real.
04:06Photographic evidence that the men knew one another and were friends during this period?
04:11Maybe that would help.
04:13It's easy to forget how much of this story happened in plain sight.
04:17Uh, for example, let's take a look at this VH1 clip.
04:21Uh, I think it's from 2007.
04:27Financier Jeffrey Epstein.
04:29Jeffrey Epstein owns a 70-acre private island called Little St. James.
04:34It's all his.
04:35Yeah, boy!
04:38Leave Flavor Flav out of this.
04:42No, boys!
04:45I really feel like there's no way that that entire segment was full of red flags.
04:50No way!
04:50When Bill Clinton organized a week-long tour of Africa in 2002, Jeff gave him a ride in his
04:57personal 727 and took actors Kevin Spacey and Chris Tucker along for the trip.
05:03Leave Chris Tucker out of this.
05:09Not my smoking.
05:10Michael, you're a product of VH1.
05:12What say you?
05:12I don't love the 80s anymore.
05:14So this week, we also learned details from another American institution that enabled Jeffrey Epstein.
05:24J.P. Morgan, I believe, is the bank that he worked with to finance his lifestyle.
05:31I believe Michael's right.
05:32I believe it was J.P. Morgan.
05:33Yeah, the answer is J.P. Morgan Chase Bank, which is disappointing because I thought they
05:38was one of the good banks.
05:41The what?
05:44One person.
05:45This week, the New York Times exposed exactly how involved J.P. Morgan Chase Bank was with
05:51Epstein's operations.
05:52At Epstein's behest, J.P. Morgan set up accounts into which he routinely transferred huge sums
05:58for young women who turned out to be victims of his sex trafficking operations.
06:03J.P. Morgan ultimately processed more than $1 billion in such transactions for him.
06:10Probably just a coincidence.
06:13Or not.
06:14Yeah, sure.
06:14There have been some consequences for some people in regards to the Epstein revelations,
06:21even some politicians.
06:24Panel, who paid the price this week for, you know, jobbing with Epstein?
06:28It was the U.K.'s representative to the United States.
06:31This week, the British Prime Minister dismissed Ambassador Peter Mandelson after messages with
06:37Jeffrey Epstein were released.
06:39Earlier this week, we saw birthday messages Mandelson sent the financier in 2008.
06:442003, saying,
06:46We love you.
06:47He described being a guest in his glorious homes as yum-yum.
06:51Did y'all say yum-yum in Canada?
06:53No, no.
06:54We say, oh, cool, eh?
06:58Just like Chase Bank, the ambassador continued his yum-yum relationship with Epstein,
07:03even after Epstein was convicted of a crime.
07:06In an email, Mandelson wrote,
07:08I think the world of you,
07:10and I feel hopeless and furious about what has happened.
07:14That's a really good friend.
07:18I tell you what,
07:20if I know you,
07:21and I find out
07:22you have an island where you diddle children,
07:24we're done.
07:25Not like,
07:26hey, man, hold it down,
07:27just let me know what I can do for you.
07:28I feel hopeless and furious.
07:31Yes, if we can't traffic young children for sex,
07:36what can we do?
07:38Yum-yum.
07:40Very weird.
07:41Very weird.
07:42Recently,
07:43Donald Trump took a couple of big old L's in the court.
07:47I didn't think he was allowed to lose in court anymore.
07:50Damn, you're right.
07:51In just the last couple of weeks,
07:55Trump and his administration
07:56have lost multiple federal cases and appeals,
07:59like his bid to overturn the $83 million judgment
08:02in the E. Jean Carroll case.
08:06Also, a federal judge ruling
08:08that he illegally canceled Harvard's funding.
08:12He lost that ruling to the judge.
08:13And also, he lost an appeals court
08:15declaring that most of his tariffs are illegal.
08:19Now, loss after loss after loss.
08:22Hang on, look, you're clapping.
08:25But Trump is still walking around unbothered.
08:27Question to the panel.
08:29Why is he not bothered by any of this?
08:32Because he knows the Supreme Court has his back
08:34and his front.
08:37Trump is not concerned
08:39because he's got these people in his back pocket.
08:43Not all of them.
08:45He's got enough.
08:46Six of them.
08:46That's enough.
08:47Amy Coney Barrett
08:49was in an interview earlier this week.
08:51They asked her a simple question.
08:53It's a yes or no question.
08:55Here's what Coney Barrett said.
08:57The 22nd Amendment says
08:58you can only run for office for two terms.
09:01True.
09:02You think that that's cut and dry?
09:04Well, that's, you know,
09:05that's what the amendment says, right?
09:07You know, after FDR had four terms,
09:10that's what that amendment says.
09:11Well, you know what this means.
09:12This means a fifth term for FDR.
09:14I think that's what that means.
09:19I like it.
09:20Yeah.
09:21Amber and David watch the clip
09:23and you tell me what is the story.
09:26Okay, this story is clearly about
09:29a woman being in labor,
09:30but she doesn't have a job.
09:31So she goes to the Federal Reserve
09:34and starts stealing,
09:35but she gets fired
09:36and she's unmarried.
09:39I think it's about the state of our economy.
09:41Ooh la la.
09:42Yes, points to you all.
09:44Points, points, points.
09:45The story is what's happening
09:46with the U.S. economy.
09:47Stocks are up,
09:48the jobs are down,
09:49inflation's up,
09:50Trump is pissing,
09:50deregulation means
09:52the billionaires are eating good.
09:54I think we got footage
09:55of the billionaires eating.
09:56Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys.
09:59Earlier this week,
10:02the Bureau of Labor Statistics
10:04put out revised data
10:05for the 12 months through March.
10:07Does anyone know how many jobs
10:09they previously reported
10:11went up in smoke?
10:12It has to be less than
10:14what actually happened, right?
10:16So they said 12,
10:18but it was really...
10:1914 million.
10:20Right.
10:22I just feel like you're just gonna agree
10:23with David the whole night.
10:24I enjoyed him already.
10:28The data showed
10:29that employers added
10:30911,000 fewer jobs
10:33in the 12 months through March.
10:35Don't worry,
10:36the bad job numbers
10:37are not bad news for Trump.
10:39Caroline Levitt,
10:40whose husband is 32 years older than her.
10:44Caroline Levitt had this to say
10:46about the revised data.
10:47March 2024 to 2025
10:49shows that the job growth
10:50was vastly weaker
10:52during the Biden administration.
10:54She's not wrong.
10:55The job numbers
10:56that were being talked about
10:57are primarily through Biden's term.
11:00And she's not wrong.
11:01The job numbers
11:01were revised downward
11:03several times
11:05during his term.
11:06But what she's wrong about
11:08is everything else.
11:12She's got a fun energy, though.
11:14She does have a fun energy.
11:15She reminds me of, like,
11:16when you're in the bathroom
11:17and some stranger at a club
11:19is, like,
11:19bigging you up
11:20and just, like,
11:20she's committed.
11:21You get back out there
11:22and you get to dancing.
11:24Yeah, that's the vibe.
11:26Levitt went on to say
11:27that this proves
11:28we need new leadership
11:29at the Federal Reserve.
11:31Does anyone know
11:32what roadblock
11:33the administration
11:34hit this week
11:35in their quest
11:36for a new Fed?
11:37I believe they were not
11:38allowed to fire Lisa Cook.
11:40Oh, yeah, that's true.
11:43Now, look,
11:44I know it seems like
11:45I'm just saying
11:46everything David says
11:47and to a degree
11:49that is true.
11:50But this time,
11:51I do honestly think
11:53that what he is saying
11:54is right.
11:54For the record,
11:55I was just guessing.
11:56For the record,
11:56he was just guessing.
12:00I've never seen
12:01a team more correct
12:03but less confident
12:04in themselves.
12:05On Tuesday,
12:07a federal judge
12:07blocked the Trump administration
12:09from firing Lisa Cook
12:11saying their claims
12:13that Cook
12:13committed mortgage fraud
12:15prior to taking office
12:16were likely
12:17not sufficient grounds
12:19for her removal.
12:20How many members
12:20of the Trump administration
12:22appeared to have committed
12:24the same kind
12:25of mortgage fraud
12:26that they're accusing
12:27Lisa Cook of?
12:29Oh, come on.
12:30We know the answer to that.
12:32All of them.
12:34A report last week
12:35said that at least
12:36three of Trump's
12:37cabinet members
12:38call multiple homes
12:40their primary residences
12:42on mortgages.
12:43Labor Secretary
12:44Lori Chavez-Dorema,
12:46EPA Administrator
12:47Lee Zeldin,
12:48and Secretary of Transportation
12:49Sean Duffy.
12:51But not to worry,
12:51Trump is filling
12:52any empty seats
12:53on the Federal Reserve.
12:54His newest pick
12:55for the Board of Governors
12:56is economist
12:57Stephen Myring
12:58looking here
12:59trying to hold it together
12:59after losing
13:01in a Stanley Tucci
13:02look-alike contest.
13:04During his confirmation hearings,
13:06he told the Senate Banking Committee
13:08that he would only take
13:09an unpaid leave of absence
13:11as chair of Trump's
13:12Council of Economic Advisors
13:14if confirmed
13:15as a temporary
13:16Fed governor.
13:18His term
13:19as Trump's
13:20economic advisor
13:21would be
13:22over well before...
13:24Are you counting
13:24Trump's third
13:25and fourth term?
13:25I am not.
13:27I was not,
13:27and I apologize for that.
13:28I didn't take that
13:29into consideration.
13:29Subject of Houses,
13:30which Trump cabinet member
13:32did this beautiful
13:34Charleston, South Carolina
13:35stucco mansion
13:36belong to
13:37until they sold it
13:39earlier this year?
13:40Kid Rock.
13:42It's Treasury Secretary
13:44Scott Bessett
13:45seen here
13:46watching his favorite
13:47TV character
13:48say Bazinga.
13:50Does anyone know
13:51what Treasury Secretary
13:53Scott Bessett
13:53recently told
13:54a fellow administration
13:56official
13:56as reported
13:57by Politico
13:58this week?
13:58I do.
14:00Michael,
14:00this is great news for us.
14:01I believe
14:02it was something like
14:03I will punch you
14:04in the effing face.
14:06Michael.
14:07That's what he said.
14:08There's no way
14:08he said that.
14:10It's this man's job
14:12to represent us
14:14that he's not out there.
14:17Threatening people.
14:19Correct him.
14:21He right.
14:24Bessett confronted
14:25Federal Housing
14:26Finance Agency
14:28director Bill Pulte
14:29saying, quote,
14:30I'm going to punch you
14:31in your fucking face.
14:34Wow.
14:35Bessett was angry
14:35that Pulte was talking
14:36smack about him
14:37to Trump
14:38and said, quote,
14:39Why the fuck
14:39are you talking
14:40to the president
14:41about me?
14:42Fuck you.
14:42I'm going to punch you
14:44in your fucking face.
14:47Then continued on
14:49and added,
14:50I'm going to fucking
14:50beat your ass.
14:53People heard this?
14:54Yes, but that's not
14:55the wild part.
14:56Let me show you
14:56a picture of the man
14:58he was talking
14:59this mad shit to.
15:00Oh, my God.
15:03Remember the bulldog
15:04from the Tom and Jerry cartoon?
15:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:07Yeah.
15:07Who y'all got in the fight?
15:08Best of the Pulte?
15:09Yeah, the bulldog.
15:12The other guy
15:12looks like Alan Ruck,
15:14that actor.
15:15One person went out
15:16of his way
15:17to avoid a fight
15:17in the Oval Office
15:18this week.
15:19Which tech CEO
15:20was recently caught
15:22on a hot mic
15:23making sure
15:24he didn't anger
15:25the president?
15:26It's Elon Musk.
15:27No.
15:28Was it Tim Cook?
15:29No.
15:30You're getting closer, though.
15:31Was it Dane Cook?
15:35Was it Zuckerberg?
15:37Yes.
15:38Zuckerberg was with
15:39Trump last week
15:39during a White House
15:40dinner for the Titans
15:41of Silicon Valley.
15:42This is what happened.
15:43How much are you spending,
15:45would you say,
15:45over the next few years?
15:47Oh, gosh.
15:48I mean, I think
15:49it's probably going
15:49to be something like,
15:51I don't know,
15:52at least $600 billion
15:54through 28.
15:56Sorry, I wasn't
15:57wondering if you could
15:58do it.
15:58I had a friend
15:59out to.
15:59He said, I wasn't
16:00sure what number
16:01you wanted to do it.
16:02Oh, my gosh.
16:05Whenever I get stressed
16:06about the economy,
16:07I'm like,
16:08did you hear they found
16:08a planet that's
16:09made of diamonds?
16:11So why can't we
16:12just get that
16:12and fix everything?
16:15I just want
16:15to get clarity.
16:16Your suggestion
16:17for helping the economy
16:19is to get
16:20the diamond planet.
16:22And bring it
16:23to Earth.
16:24Yes.
16:25Get the diamond planet,
16:27grind it up,
16:27boost the economy.
16:29May has a completely
16:30different Internet.
16:32You know,
16:32Zuckerberg
16:33seemed to,
16:34you know,
16:34was wanting
16:35Trump's approval
16:36to make sure
16:36he got the answers
16:37right.
16:37That was crazy.
16:38But at least
16:38Trump didn't ask
16:39Zuckerberg
16:40if he drinks coffee.
16:41You drink coffee,
16:42man, or no?
16:43Nah.
16:46Really?
16:47Yeah.
16:47I mean,
16:49you've had it.
16:50I have.
16:52Sometimes on vacation
16:53I'll drink it
16:54recreationally.
16:55It's like
16:55every once in a while.
17:03Welcome back to
17:15Hope I Got News
17:16for you.
17:16It is time
17:17for the Offend-O-Meter.
17:19Here's how it works.
17:20This is the Offend-O-Meter,
17:21the index of everyone
17:22who's made people
17:23mad this week.
17:25Teams have to tell us
17:25who's the offender,
17:27what they did,
17:27and who they offended.
17:28Let's see
17:30your offender.
17:32That's Rand Paul.
17:33Indeed.
17:34That is unofficial
17:35Dippity-Doo
17:36spokesperson Rand Paul.
17:39Who did old
17:40Rand offend?
17:42He pissed off
17:43the Trump administration
17:45this week,
17:45I want to say.
17:46This was about the vote.
17:47He said,
17:48you can't just go around
17:50blowing up boats
17:51in international waters
17:53because you think
17:54they might be
17:55carrying drugs.
17:56That is a violation
17:57of due process
17:58and a war crime
17:59and the Trump administration
18:00was like,
18:01come on, Rand.
18:03Have you got the topic?
18:05Who was Rand
18:05targeting those words to?
18:07Looking at that picture,
18:08it looked like
18:08he was saying,
18:09I'm a big boy.
18:12His curls are just
18:13too cute.
18:14It's cute.
18:15I'm going to go
18:15with Secretary of State
18:16Marco Rubio.
18:17This week,
18:18Rand Paul offended
18:19factory reject
18:20LeBubu
18:21vice president
18:21J.D. Vance.
18:26You look like
18:27a LeBubu.
18:27He really does.
18:30Rand called out
18:31the vice president
18:31over the government's
18:32recent strike
18:33on a Venezuelan boat
18:34they claimed
18:35was running drugs.
18:37When someone
18:38on Twitter told Vance
18:39the bombing
18:39was a war crime,
18:40the VP replied,
18:42quote,
18:43I don't give a shit
18:44what you call it.
18:45Is that real?
18:46That's real.
18:46Yeah.
18:47What is happening?
18:48It's a war thing.
18:49I don't know.
18:50Like,
18:50I can't believe
18:51that you guys
18:51do this show every...
18:53Like,
18:53do you feel like
18:54you're living
18:54in a...
18:55In a nightmare?
18:56Yeah.
18:58It's not supposed
18:59to be like this.
19:00It's right.
19:01That's how I feel.
19:02We're supposed
19:02to be having fun.
19:03J.D. Vance says
19:04he doesn't get a shit
19:05about a possible war crime
19:06that led fellow Republican
19:07and Senate Homeland Security
19:09Chair Rand Paul
19:10to post,
19:11quote,
19:12J.D.,
19:12I don't give a shit.
19:13Vance says,
19:14killing people
19:15he accuses of a crime
19:17is the highest
19:18and best use
19:19of the military.
19:20Did he ever read
19:21To Kill a Mockingbird?
19:23I remember that part
19:24of To Kill a Mockingbird.
19:25Like,
19:25oh, yes,
19:26and then Boo Radley
19:27got hit with a drone.
19:30Question to the panel,
19:32where was the boat headed?
19:33Well,
19:34it had to have been headed here
19:35because they blew it up.
19:36Just give me a direction.
19:38You know where Venezuela is
19:39on the side?
19:39North.
19:40It was coming north.
19:40It was coming here.
19:41How are you sure
19:42it was coming here?
19:43Just because it was going north
19:44it was coming here?
19:44You're sure about that?
19:45Yes.
19:46You're sure?
19:47You're convinced right now?
19:48Yeah.
19:48You're prepared to tell
19:49this courtroom
19:50that you are sure
19:51unequivocally
19:52that the boat
19:53was for sure
19:54headed to American soil.
19:56Not Cuba.
19:57You're under oath, Amber.
19:59I ordered the code red.
20:06The answer is
20:07nobody's sure
20:09where the boat was going.
20:11At first,
20:11Secretary of State
20:12Marco Rubio
20:13told reporters
20:14the boat was likely
20:15headed to Trinidad
20:16and Tobago,
20:17but then Trump said
20:18it was coming to America.
20:20So Rubio
20:20changed his story.
20:22Rubio then
20:23asked Trump
20:23for permission
20:24to use the bathroom.
20:26All right.
20:28Who's this offender?
20:29That's your dad.
20:30That you're dad?
20:32Yeah.
20:33That is retired
20:34Army Colonel
20:35Mark Beeger.
20:36Who did Colonel Beeger
20:37offend?
20:38He offended
20:39his bottom teeth
20:40by never showing them.
20:41Beeger offended
20:45Miracle on the Hudson
20:46Pilot
20:46Sully Sullenberger
20:48himself,
20:49Tom Hanks.
20:50Oh.
20:53By canceling
20:55an award ceremony
20:56where Hanks
20:56was going to receive
20:57West Point's
20:58Sylvanus Thayer Award.
21:00The award recognizes
21:01citizens who didn't
21:02go to West Point
21:03but stand for
21:05the ideals
21:05of the school.
21:07Duty,
21:08honor,
21:08and country.
21:09So,
21:10why do we think
21:11that Tom Hanks
21:13America's sweetheart
21:15Tom Hanks
21:16Also radical
21:17communist scum
21:18by the way.
21:20It definitely not
21:22because Tom Hanks
21:23said anything negative
21:24about the Trump
21:24administration,
21:25right?
21:25All the Academy
21:26has said is
21:27quote,
21:28this decision
21:29allows the Academy
21:30to continue
21:31its focus
21:32on its core mission
21:33of preparing
21:34cadets to lead,
21:35fight,
21:36and win
21:36as officers
21:37in the world's
21:38most lethal force,
21:40the United States
21:41Army,
21:42the most respected
21:43military force
21:44and we will now
21:44send them to Chicago
21:46to pick up trash.
21:48We could say
21:49that West Point
21:50was trying not
21:50to get involved
21:51in partisan politics
21:53or whatever
21:54and that might have
21:54been fine
21:55if Trump
21:56didn't then
21:57take credit
21:58and praise him
21:59for it
22:00two days later.
22:00The president
22:01posted quote,
22:02our great West Point
22:03getting greater
22:04all the time
22:05has smartly
22:06canceled the award
22:08ceremony for actor
22:09Tom Hanks.
22:10Important move.
22:11We don't need
22:12destructive woke
22:13recipients getting
22:14our cherished
22:15American awards.
22:17I'm biting my tongue
22:19so hard right now
22:20about a certain
22:21recipient of the
22:22Presidential Medal
22:24of Freedom
22:24to, uh,
22:27but I'm going to
22:27continue biting my tongue.
22:28Oh, you know,
22:31I would like to
22:32bite my tongue.
22:34Mm-hmm.
22:39I don't deserve
22:41to finish the sentence.
22:44But, you know,
22:45I'm also mad
22:46about Gloria Gaynor
22:47getting the fucking
22:48Kennedy Center award.
22:49You're mad about that?
22:51Yes.
22:51She survived.
22:56You know what?
22:57I was wrong
22:58and you're right.
22:59But what is woke
23:01about Tom Hanks?
23:03Maybe in Turner
23:04and Hooch,
23:04if Tom Hanks
23:05had shot Hooch
23:06like Christy Norm
23:07would have,
23:08then they would have
23:10been like,
23:10we gotta give
23:11this boy a trophy.
23:16Let's see your
23:16offender.
23:17Who is this
23:18offender?
23:19Stanley Tucci.
23:24He offended
23:25the other countries
23:26in Europe
23:27by not tasting
23:28their pasta.
23:30That is Andy Goldberg,
23:32the former CEO
23:34of Publishers Clearinghouse.
23:36Who did Andy offend?
23:38Oh, y'all,
23:40I ain't never gonna
23:40believe this.
23:41So, a little while ago,
23:43Publishers Clearinghouse
23:45stopped giving people money.
23:48Like, remember all those times
23:49they were like,
23:50you are gonna get
23:50$5,000 a week
23:51for the rest of your life.
23:52All those people are like,
23:54where's my money?
23:55They've quit their jobs.
23:56It's been years
23:57since they last had a job.
23:59Too fucking bad.
24:00Your $5,000 a week
24:02is gone.
24:03Isn't that bananas?
24:04Explain to the people
24:05in here under 30.
24:08In olden times,
24:09there was a man
24:10named Ed McMahon.
24:14Now, everyone in America
24:17would receive
24:18this big brown envelope
24:19and in it,
24:20it would say,
24:20here's your chance
24:21to get $5,000 a week
24:22for the rest of your life
24:23and your mom
24:24would be like,
24:25ooh,
24:25she would fill it out
24:26and send it in.
24:27Now, she wouldn't win,
24:28but someone would.
24:29They would go live
24:31with cameras
24:31to their house
24:32and a big thing of balloons
24:33and the biggest check
24:34you ever saw
24:34and be like,
24:35here,
24:35this is your money
24:36for the rest of your life.
24:37It would be like
24:38if Steve Harvey
24:39came to your house
24:39and gave you a Venmo.
24:42That's right.
24:43Anyway,
24:44this is the guy
24:46that they stopped paying.
24:47John Wiley
24:48of Southern Oregon
24:49figured he was set for life.
24:51Earlier this year,
24:52John expected
24:53his forever prize payment
24:55to arrive,
24:56as it always did,
24:57$260,000 direct deposit.
25:01But the money never came.
25:03And in April,
25:04Publishers Clearinghouse
25:05filed for bankruptcy.
25:06Now, everybody remembers
25:08Publishers Clearinghouse,
25:09but besides handing out
25:10the big checks,
25:11what was their business?
25:12How was it that they
25:12were able to get money?
25:13It had something to do
25:14with magazines.
25:15I know that.
25:15Yes.
25:16Magazines.
25:16That's how they got money.
25:17They made all that money
25:18by selling magazine subscriptions?
25:20Yes.
25:21Door-to-door magazine subscriptions.
25:22I know.
25:23Then print slowly died,
25:25as in, you know.
25:26Sorry.
25:28I mean,
25:29I'm not here to victim blame.
25:30These people got the money.
25:31They deserve the money,
25:32and you can manage your finances
25:33around somebody promising you that.
25:35But if a dude from Blockbuster Video
25:37came to your house,
25:38and he goes,
25:40hey, man,
25:41I'm going to give you money
25:42every week for the rest of your life,
25:44Blockbuster Video.
25:45And then you start noticing
25:48there ain't no more
25:48Blockbuster Video.
25:50At some point,
25:51you got to be like,
25:52hey, dog,
25:52you still got my money,
25:53and then you can plan
25:55accordingly, no?
25:56I got confused.
25:57I thought we were talking
25:58about Social Security again.
25:59That was the Fender Meter.
26:14It's time now for Missing Words.
26:19Here's your headline.
26:20Blank crashes through sliding door,
26:24loiters inside of house.
26:26Mother-in-law.
26:27But it's really going to be
26:30something like a deer, right?
26:32It's always a fucking deer.
26:33They can't stay outside.
26:35Partial points.
26:35I'll take that.
26:36Oh.
26:36Wild boar
26:37crashes through sliding door,
26:40loiters inside of house.
26:42A Florida man named Edward Wells
26:44was sitting in his home
26:45quietly working
26:47when this happened.
26:48Bang,
26:49before you know it,
26:50the door exploded
26:53and sounded like a bomb going off.
26:55Edward Wells is face-to-face
26:57with this wild boar.
26:58Shattered glass
26:59is 14-year-old dog
27:00barking in the background,
27:02and this boar
27:03wasn't giving
27:04hogs or kisses.
27:07This little piggy cried,
27:09wee, wee, wee,
27:10all the way
27:10into this house.
27:12Now,
27:13you would figure
27:14on its surface
27:15that would be
27:15a traumatizing enough situation,
27:17because wild boars,
27:18they are very dangerous creatures,
27:20but the family
27:21is taking it in stride.
27:23Just listen
27:23to that man's daughter.
27:26You just have
27:26your whole life go,
27:27kaboom,
27:28welcome to the Twilight Zone.
27:30There's a giant boar
27:31in your house,
27:33broken glass
27:33and blood on the floor,
27:35and how are you
27:36going to deal with this?
27:37I love her.
27:40Can she be
27:41our guest
27:42next week on this show?
27:44Yeah,
27:44seriously.
27:45I want a biopic
27:47of her.
27:49You mean a biopic
27:50of her?
27:52Oh,
27:52oh,
27:53yeah!
27:55Here's your headline.
27:56Canadian man arrested
27:57for DUI
27:58while driving
27:59blank.
28:00Moose!
28:01Moose!
28:02Oh!
28:03It's gotta be a moose!
28:04It's gotta be a moose.
28:06Canadian man arrested
28:07for DUI
28:08while driving
28:09kid-sized
28:10pink Barbie Jeep.
28:11Oh!
28:13Okay.
28:15Is it that big
28:16of a deal
28:17that you can't
28:17drive a kid's
28:18power toy
28:19drunk?
28:20I don't see
28:21how you could
28:21drive one sober.
28:23Yeah,
28:23true,
28:23true.
28:24Barbie Jeep,
28:25you're driving
28:25that without a
28:26martini,
28:26you're fucking up.
28:27What?
28:32We gotta kill
28:33kids the story.
28:34On Friday,
28:34a Prince George man
28:35was pulled over
28:36and arrested
28:37right here
28:38after he was seen
28:39driving a child-sized
28:40pink Barbie Jeep
28:41down this busy road.
28:43I just wanted
28:43to get a Slurpee.
28:45I got lazy,
28:46I didn't want to walk.
28:47Yeah.
28:49That's our other guest
28:50next week!
28:51Oh my God.
28:52That is our other guest.
28:53I love that guy.
28:54So you want
28:55Barbie Jeep man
28:56with Boar House
28:57daughter?
28:58Boar House daughter.
28:59Tell me you wouldn't
29:00watch that.
29:01That'd be a good podcast.
29:02Yes.
29:03A minimum.
29:04All right,
29:04well,
29:04the man is
29:05Casper Lincoln
29:06and as he reads
29:07his ticket,
29:08Lincoln insists
29:10he did the best
29:11to follow the law.
29:12Model number?
29:13Barbie Jeep.
29:14Color pink.
29:16I'm going like
29:17three clicks.
29:19He's like,
29:19I did all,
29:19I did my hand signals
29:21and everything.
29:26All right,
29:27yeah,
29:27Pink Jeep
29:28and Boar Lady
29:29should meet.
29:29Yeah.
29:31They should have
29:31a podcast for sure.
29:32Here's your headline.
29:39Man blank
29:40during Cranford Town Hall
29:41meeting
29:42to protest
29:43rising property taxes.
29:46Oh,
29:46I saw this.
29:48I saw this.
29:48Break dances.
29:50Yes.
29:51Yes.
29:53Man break dances
29:54during Cranford Town Hall
29:56meeting
29:56to protest
29:57rising property taxes.
29:59Now,
30:00I know what you think,
30:01that there's more
30:02to this story
30:02and it's not just
30:04what it's,
30:04there ain't nothing else
30:05to say.
30:06It's exactly what it is.
30:08Behold.
30:09Mr. Thilly,
30:17I started your time.
30:23Wow.
30:24Yeah,
30:25boy.
30:32Only one person
30:33in that clip
30:34respected the artistry.
30:36It was one person
30:37right there.
30:39Shout out.
30:44Shout out to that sister.
30:46And if you aren't convinced
30:47New Jersey property taxes
30:49should be lowered
30:50after seeing that,
30:52here's his closing argument.
30:54Did you know
30:54I can do the backspin?
30:56Anybody?
30:58You want Shane
30:58to do the backspin?
31:00I can,
31:01I'm gonna do the backspin.
31:09That's missing words.
31:13More after the break.
31:13Welcome back.
31:27It's time for Live Curious.
31:28I'll give you three
31:29biographical details
31:30about a public figure,
31:31but only one
31:32is true.
31:34You have to guess
31:34which is the truth
31:35and which are awful,
31:37heinous lies.
31:38Let's get it started.
31:39Time for three facts
31:40about former
31:41New York City mayor
31:42and human skulls
31:45some kids found
31:46behind a TCBY.
31:49Rudy Giuliani.
31:50Our facts are
31:51he makes his dentist
31:53sign an NDA.
31:54He once caused
31:56an airplane evacuation
31:57with his flatulence.
31:59He announced
32:00he was separating
32:01from his wife
32:02in a press conference
32:03without telling her.
32:05See, I know
32:05it's not number one
32:07because look at that picture.
32:09He's not going
32:09to the dentist.
32:12It is number three.
32:14His wife did find out
32:15about their separation
32:15in a press conference.
32:17May?
32:18Yeah, that rings true.
32:19In May of 2000,
32:21Rudy Giuliani
32:22announced he was separating
32:24from his second wife
32:25in a press conference
32:25in Bryant Park
32:27which is also
32:28how she found out
32:29which honestly
32:30a press conference
32:31is the second worst way
32:33to find out
32:33you're getting dumped
32:34by Rudy Giuliani
32:35in person
32:36is number one.
32:39His third divorce
32:41this time
32:41from Judith Nathan
32:42in 2019
32:43this divorce
32:44was also a total mess
32:46so watch the clip.
32:47Rudy Giuliani
32:48and Judith Nathan's
32:49marriage ended
32:50in 2019
32:51amidst rumors
32:52that once again
32:53Giuliani was cheating.
32:55Page Six quoted
32:56a source claiming
32:57Giuliani had boasted
32:58of an affair
32:59with a woman
32:59who was well-endowed.
33:02Wait.
33:03Wait.
33:05Isn't there a relevant
33:06Borat clip about this?
33:08Yes.
33:08Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:09Oh my God
33:10I forgot about that.
33:12Guys,
33:13guys you gotta go
33:14watch Borat.
33:15Fuckin'
33:16that did happen.
33:18Do we have that picture
33:19Giuliani?
33:20Giuliani?
33:20Oh.
33:20Oh.
33:20Oh.
33:21Oh.
33:21Oh.
33:21Oh.
33:22Oh.
33:22Oh.
33:23Oh.
33:23Oh.
33:24Oh.
33:24Oh.
33:25Oh.
33:25Oh.
33:26Oh.
33:26Oh.
33:27Oh.
33:27Oh.
33:28Oh.
33:29Oh.
33:29Oh.
33:30He just lays there
33:32and you have to do
33:33stuff to him.
33:34Oh.
33:34Oh.
33:35Oh.
33:35Oh.
33:36Yuck.
33:36Time for three facts
33:38about Wednesday actress
33:39Jenna Ortega.
33:40Our facts are
33:41she performed autopsies
33:43on animals as a child.
33:45What?
33:45She makes snow cones
33:47with tomato juice.
33:48Mm.
33:49She made a PowerPoint
33:50presentation to ask her parents
33:52to give her a sibling.
33:53Aw.
33:54Which one is the truth,
33:55Team Michael?
33:56I want it to be snow cones
33:57with tomato juice.
33:58That would be disgusting.
34:00Yes.
34:01Yeah, yeah.
34:01Yes, yes, yes.
34:02I feel like I would have heard
34:03about autopsies on animals.
34:05You would have heard
34:05if she was a serial killer.
34:06Yeah, exactly.
34:07Yeah, yeah.
34:08We're going with sibling
34:09and here's a PowerPoint
34:11on why.
34:14Jenna Ortega
34:15performed autopsies
34:17on animals
34:18as a child.
34:20Here she is
34:21explaining
34:21in an interview
34:22with Wired.
34:23I'm a weirdo
34:24in like the
34:26used to perform
34:27autopsies
34:28on little animals
34:29when I was younger
34:29like little lizards
34:31that I found
34:31that were dead
34:31in my backyard.
34:33She's incredibly
34:34well cast
34:35in that role.
34:36Yeah, seriously.
34:38All right,
34:39time for three facts
34:40about my Betty Rubble,
34:42Rosie O'Donnell.
34:43Our facts are
34:44she has a collection
34:45of over 2,500
34:47Happy Meal toys.
34:48She eats pesto
34:50every day.
34:51She holds
34:52the patent
34:53on fidget spinners.
34:54No way.
34:55One is true.
34:56Happy Meals,
34:57McDonald's.
34:58Fun hobby.
34:59Yes.
35:00Yeah.
35:01We're going
35:01with Happy Meal toys.
35:02And that's
35:03why you're wrong.
35:06Because
35:06it is
35:07three.
35:08Rosie O'Donnell
35:09holds the patent
35:10on fidget spinners.
35:12Oh, you're an asshole.
35:13She does not.
35:16Answer.
35:17Rosie O'Donnell
35:18has a collection
35:18of over 2,500
35:20Happy Meal toys.
35:23Oh.
35:24All right,
35:25let's play a little game.
35:26I'm going to show you
35:27a McDonald's toy
35:28and you tell me
35:30whether it was worth
35:3110 bucks
35:32or 100 bucks.
35:33Oh.
35:33First toy,
35:34the Kerwin Frost
35:35Golden McNugget Buddy.
35:38Is it $10
35:39or $100?
35:40I mean,
35:40it's made of gold,
35:41so it's $100.
35:4210?
35:43We're going to take
35:43the under.
35:44Oh, it's a piece of garbage.
35:44We're going to take the 10.
35:45Yeah, garbage.
35:45Absolute garbage.
35:46A Kerwin Frost
35:47Golden McNugget Buddy
35:49is $100.
35:51Yeah.
35:52Yes.
35:53Do you guys know
35:53what Kerwin Frost is?
35:55It's none of y'all business.
35:57You can't afford it.
35:58It's $100.
36:00You can't afford it.
36:03All right,
36:04next up,
36:04what about this
36:05little gold
36:06McDonald's
36:07Happy Meal box?
36:0810.
36:0810.
36:0910.
36:09It has to be 10.
36:11Little gold
36:11McDonald's
36:12Happy Meal box
36:13is $10.
36:16Fun fact
36:16about the Happy Meal box.
36:17They put one of those
36:18on Trump's pillow
36:20every night
36:20before he goes back.
36:22Okay,
36:22what about this
36:23sealed Talking Minion
36:25Caveman
36:26McDonald's toy?
36:28I'd pay $100 for that.
36:31I would pay $101.
36:34$102.
36:34$103.
36:35It's my listing,
36:36so I know.
36:37The Talking Minion
36:42Caveman toy
36:43is $100.
36:47$100
36:48for a minion.
36:49That price is
36:50bananas.
36:52That was
36:53like Curious.
36:54More after the break.
36:54More after the break.
37:06Welcome back.
37:07It's time for
37:08Odd One Out.
37:09I'll show everybody
37:10four pictures.
37:11You have to guess
37:11which one sticks out
37:12like a rose
37:13in the concrete slab
37:14that used to be
37:15the White House
37:15rose garden.
37:16Here's your group
37:18of four.
37:19We have George Clooney,
37:20Kim Cattrall,
37:21Elon Musk,
37:21and Peter Thiel.
37:23Who was
37:23the Odd One Out?
37:25Who's Peter Thiel?
37:26He's a techno-fascist
37:27who bankrolls
37:28the Trump administration.
37:29Got it.
37:30Okay.
37:30Okay.
37:31I feel like
37:32three of them
37:33play jazz
37:34or something.
37:34Because you know
37:35Kim Cattrall
37:36does scat.
37:37Have you seen the video?
37:37It doesn't matter.
37:38What does she do?
37:39She does this
37:39freestyle.
37:41She goes,
37:42I know it off by heart.
37:43She goes,
37:43Why do you know that?
37:53I don't know.
37:55Guesses on this side.
37:56Who y'all think
37:56is the Odd One Out?
37:57I think
37:59it's
37:59George Clooney.
38:01Okay.
38:01I'm going to say
38:02it's Peter Thiel
38:02because he recently
38:03told the New York Times
38:04that he was not sure
38:05that humanity
38:06should continue to exist.
38:07Well, he's right there.
38:11The Odd One Out
38:12is George Clooney.
38:14Kim Cattrall,
38:15Elon Musk,
38:16and Peter Thiel
38:16all have
38:17triple citizenship.
38:19Peter Thiel
38:20is a citizen
38:21of the United States,
38:22New Zealand,
38:23and Germany.
38:24And he's also
38:25a citizen of
38:26whatever bacteria
38:27he originally
38:28sprouted from.
38:30Does anyone know
38:32what countries
38:32Elon Musk
38:33is a proud citizen of?
38:35South Africa.
38:36South Africa.
38:38Canada.
38:39The States.
38:40And I'm just
38:40going to take
38:41a wild guess
38:41and say Germany
38:42because they've got
38:43a wild guess.
38:44I was going to say that.
38:46I appreciate
38:47what this stuff
38:47going on,
38:48you know?
38:48Elon Musk
38:49is a citizen
38:49of South Africa,
38:51the United States,
38:52and Canada.
38:53Wow.
38:54In Canada.
38:54And now,
38:55in Canada's defense,
38:56earlier this year,
38:57over 230,000 Canadians
38:59signed a petition
39:00calling for Musk's
39:01citizenship
39:01to be revoked.
39:04In response,
39:06Elon wrote on X,
39:07quote,
39:08Canada is not
39:08a real country.
39:11Former Sex and the City
39:12star Kim Cattrall
39:13also has the old
39:15citizenship three-peat,
39:16Liverpool, England,
39:17and moved to Canada
39:19as a baby.
39:20And in 2020,
39:21she became a citizen
39:22of the United States
39:23so that she could vote
39:24in that election.
39:25But she does have
39:26one talent
39:27that wasn't
39:28on the citizenship test.
39:32Are we going to see it?
39:34You want to see it?
39:35Please.
39:36Just roll the clip.
39:37I read poetry
39:38and sonnets,
39:40and he plays
39:40the upright bass.
39:43Yamaki-pilevo,
39:44sedere pakevo,
39:45we don't Latin,
39:46we quote,
39:47Eugene,
39:47Sassure!
39:55It's kind of a mantra
39:56for me at this point
39:57that I just didn't sue this.
39:59That was Out One Out.
40:05Welcome back.
40:07It's time for
40:08Which Is Higher?
40:10I'll give you
40:10two unrelated numbers
40:12in the news.
40:13You tell me
40:14which is higher.
40:16The sale price
40:17of the original
40:18prop lightsaber
40:19used by Darth Vader
40:20in both
40:21The Empire Strikes Back
40:22and Return of the Jedi,
40:24or the sale price
40:26of Travis Kelsey's
40:27Kansas City home
40:29at which Kelsey
40:30posed to Taylor Swift.
40:33It has to be
40:34the lightsaber.
40:34It has to be
40:35because nerds
40:37make money.
40:39How much could
40:40his house
40:41in Kansas City cost?
40:42Ooh!
40:45The auction sale price
40:47of Darth Vader's
40:48lightsaber
40:48was $3.6 million.
40:51Wow.
40:52And the 2023
40:53sale price
40:54of Travis Kelsey's
40:55Kansas City home,
40:56his house is worth
40:57$5.9 million.
40:59The sale price
41:02of Travis's home
41:03is higher.
41:05Is there any piece
41:07of movie memorabilia
41:08you all would pay
41:09a million dollars?
41:11Um,
41:12E.T.?
41:14Like, the original?
41:17Yeah, yeah.
41:18Imagine we,
41:19you're in your kitchen
41:20in the morning
41:20getting golf in.
41:21No, I will not.
41:24That was Which Is Higher.
41:25I want to thank
41:26our guests tonight,
41:27David Gellis
41:27and Mae Martin.
41:30And of course,
41:31thank you to our
41:32team captains,
41:33Amber Ruffin
41:33and Michael Ian Black.
41:37Before we sign off,
41:39here are a few more
41:40stories we're watching.
41:42You're gonna like
41:43the way you look.
41:44I guarantee it.
41:45You call this soup?
41:55I'm Roy Wood Jr.
41:56and I'll see you next week
41:57for another episode
41:58of Have I Got News For You?
41:59And we still haven't seen
42:01all the Epstein files.
42:03See you next week.
42:04Have I Got News For You?
42:05Bye.
42:05Bye.
42:06Bye.
42:07Bye.
42:07Bye.
42:07Bye.
42:07Bye.
Be the first to comment