- 3 months ago
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00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
00:36I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:37In the news this week,
00:39Westminster Dog Show winner addresses the media.
00:42I'm glad he acknowledges that I'm a good boy.
00:44I am a good boy.
00:46Andrew Cuomo addresses why he'll never get into heaven.
00:49I did not do enough on social media.
00:52RFK Jr. unveils new measles policy.
00:55Let the times in the door.
00:58Let the times in the door.
01:00Let the body get the...
01:04On Amber's team tonight,
01:09he's a stand-up comedian, podcaster, and actor
01:11whose 2025 YouTube comedy special
01:14is called Thief of Joy,
01:15and he recently emceed a rally for Zoran Mamdani,
01:18so I'm hoping he can get me a bus for free.
01:21It's John Marco Serrafi.
01:26And joining Michael,
01:28she's an acclaimed journalist and Russia expert
01:31whose new book, Motherland,
01:32comes out on October 21st.
01:35Let's hope it doesn't land her in Siberia.
01:37It's Julia Yaffe.
01:42All right, let's get to it.
01:44The biggest stories of the week.
01:46John Marco, Amber, watch the video
01:48and tell me, what is the story?
01:50Okay, so...
01:51Pentagon?
01:52Pentagon, we all know that shape.
01:54Uh, PXF?
01:55Journalists.
01:56Yeah.
01:56Asking a question.
01:57And then, a mass exodus.
01:59The journalists refused to sign a thing.
02:04And journalists from across the whole spectrum,
02:08centrist, far right, the whole media landscape.
02:10Hang on, I know you know.
02:12I'm going to talk to Amber.
02:13What was the thing?
02:16So, the thing they wouldn't sign?
02:19Now, that's complicated.
02:24All right, PX.
02:26Close it up.
02:27Yes, the story as Pete Hicks says
02:29stands for serious journalism.
02:31Don't freeze up.
02:32Oh, God.
02:34It's like the Today Show,
02:41if everybody was Matt Lauer.
02:44Does anyone know why the Pentagon
02:46wants the press to sign this new agreement?
02:50Because Pete Hickseth is obsessed with leaks.
02:53It reminds me of the military censorship
02:56that Putin instituted in March of 2022
02:59when he invaded Ukraine.
03:00So, Trump's going to like it.
03:02Love it, yeah.
03:03Yes, one reason for the new policy
03:06for the journalists to sign off
03:08to cover the Pentagon
03:09might have something to do with the leaks.
03:12Time to time again,
03:13classified information is leaked or peddled
03:16for political purposes
03:17to try to make the president look bad.
03:19Is he including the leaks
03:20that he started when he was on the Telegram?
03:24Is that what it was?
03:25That's a different leak.
03:26Oh, that was a different leak.
03:27That's my leak.
03:28I'm talking about y'all leaking.
03:31Not only was Fox News
03:32amongst the groups
03:33that decided to walk out of the Pentagon,
03:36but even Newsmax refused to agree.
03:41Newsmax!
03:43According to the Associated Press,
03:44the new rules would ban journalists
03:46from large areas of the Pentagon
03:48without an escort,
03:50as well as giving Hickseth the right
03:52to revoke press access from reporters
03:54who even ask for any information
03:57that he hasn't okayed for release.
04:00This is horrible.
04:01They don't allow journalists in,
04:02but they allow escorts in?
04:04I don't like that.
04:05I don't like that at all.
04:07Does it count if he gave consent
04:08for you to publish it,
04:09but then he sobers up and takes it back?
04:13Here's Hickseth explaining the issue to Trump.
04:15You can't just roam anywhere you want.
04:17It used to be, Mr. President,
04:18the press could go anywhere,
04:19pretty much anywhere in the Pentagon.
04:21The most classified area in the world.
04:24It's not true.
04:25I mean, you'll be shocked to know it's not true.
04:27Wait, can you not...
04:29Can you roam around the Pentagon?
04:31No, you can't roam around the Pentagon.
04:32There are many areas you can't go
04:34as a civilian and as a journalist.
04:36I thought the place
04:36with the most classified documents
04:38was Mar-a-Lago.
04:42Can't roam around there either, I tell you.
04:45Unless you're an escort.
04:46Her name is Melania Trump.
04:54We are getting spicy tonight.
04:58One reason why people might be wanting access
05:00at the Pentagon is, uh,
05:02it could be all the shopping in the restaurants
05:05that are in the building.
05:06Now, how did I know this?
05:07In addition to the CVS that's in the Pentagon,
05:10there's also an AT&T, a jeweler,
05:13a florist, a dry cleaner.
05:14The Pentagon is also home
05:16to a McDonald's, a Five Guys,
05:18a Taco Bell, Subway, Panera,
05:21Hot Pies, Potbelly, Pan Express,
05:23Jamba Juice, Starbucks,
05:25a Dunkin' with a Baskin' Robin,
05:27and a Dunkin' without a Baskin' Robin.
05:30That's why the generals are fat.
05:34I didn't see one plan of fitness
05:35in that whole list.
05:38I just thought of the Pentagon
05:39as a place I don't want to go.
05:41That shit sounds great.
05:42Would anyone like to guess
05:45which chain restaurant
05:46a government website says
05:48is opening soon
05:50at the Pentagon?
05:51How?
05:52Everything is already in there.
05:53Oh, it's missing some stuff.
05:55They're missing a Chick-fil-A.
05:56They're missing an IHOP.
05:58Chipotle?
05:59That's a little too ethnic.
06:00It's Chick-fil-A.
06:01It's Chick-fil-A.
06:01It's Chick-fil-A.
06:01It's Chick-fil-A.
06:02It's Chick-fil-A.
06:02It's Chick-fil-A.
06:03The answer is Planet Hollywood.
06:07What?
06:08Don't what?
06:09Don't disrespect.
06:10Planet Hollywood was the shit in 92.
06:14It's like an Applebee's,
06:15but pictures of Schwarzenegger
06:17and Stallone.
06:17No, but this one's gonna be
06:19all Ronald Reagan.
06:21That's it.
06:22But most reporters,
06:23they're ready to give all of that up
06:26in the name of journalistic principle
06:28with the exception of one outlet.
06:31Does anyone know
06:32the only U.S. TV news outlet
06:36that agreed to Hicks F's terms?
06:40Is it a channel called
06:41I Can't Believe It's Not Fox?
06:43It's the One America Network,
06:46which is a real thing, apparently.
06:49It is OAN,
06:50the One America News Network.
06:51So far,
06:52they're the only U.S. TV news outlet
06:55to agree to the Pentagon's new policy,
06:57and if you know OAN,
07:00you know they're always out front
07:01asking hard-hitting questions.
07:05OAN.
07:06Yes, sir.
07:07Very good.
07:08I have two questions.
07:10You treat me very nicely.
07:11Do you consider the term
07:12Chinese food racist?
07:14No.
07:14Because it's food
07:15that originates in China.
07:18Hard-hitting journalism.
07:21Why the secrecy on all of this?
07:23Why do you all think
07:24the Defense Cabinet
07:25is trying to keep
07:26everything under wraps
07:27in Washington?
07:29We're about to invade Venezuela.
07:31Do they not want people
07:32to know about that?
07:33Because, shit,
07:34I know about it.
07:36They aren't good
07:37with keeping secrets.
07:39No.
07:40At all.
07:41I know too much.
07:43You know how hard
07:44information has to work
07:45to get here?
07:45I know everything,
07:48and I don't want to.
07:50You know what?
07:51I'm for this.
07:54One thing that they're
07:56not bothering to explain,
07:57our government, that is,
07:59they're not bothering
07:59to explain the recent
08:01bombings of boats
08:01in the Caribbean Sea.
08:03Points on both sides
08:04for that.
08:04There are the Venezuelan
08:06strikes that Trump
08:07keeps posting videos
08:09of to social media
08:10claiming that the boats
08:11were carrying drugs.
08:13Why would they shoot
08:15the boat in the water
08:17with no proof?
08:19Why wouldn't you just
08:20wait till it got here
08:21and be like,
08:22hey, are there any drugs?
08:23Yes, there are.
08:24I see them.
08:25Hey, now you go to jail.
08:26We make money off
08:27your ass in jail.
08:28We don't make any money
08:29off you when you're
08:30at the bottom of the sea.
08:31So you look at this,
08:31you go, how can we make
08:32more money off this?
08:34That's right.
08:34Trump is actually going
08:36even harder on the issue.
08:38Trump confirmed
08:39that he's authorized
08:40covert CIA action
08:43in Venezuela,
08:44saying, quote,
08:44we are certainly looking
08:46at land now
08:47because we've got
08:48the sea very well
08:50under control.
08:52I'm not familiar
08:53with covert ops
08:55as well as maybe
08:57I should be.
08:59Do you typically announce
09:01when you're starting
09:02covert ops?
09:03The Venezuelans
09:05don't watch our channels.
09:07Right, right, right.
09:08You gotta go,
09:10hey, shit's about
09:11to get covert.
09:15Venezuelan President
09:16Maduro is trying
09:17to play ball.
09:18He even offered
09:19America a huge piece
09:21of his country's resources.
09:23Question, what did Trump
09:25say to Maduro's offer
09:27on Friday?
09:28No thanks.
09:30We'll take all of it.
09:32Here's Trump.
09:33What should we do
09:34in order to stop that?
09:35He has offered everything.
09:37He's offered everything.
09:38You're right.
09:39You know why?
09:40Because he doesn't want
09:41to fuck around
09:42with the United States.
09:43Thank you, everybody.
09:44That's it.
09:45Honestly, that's a pretty
09:46good closing line.
09:48You know what?
09:48Because he doesn't want
09:49to fuck with the United States.
09:50Good night, everybody.
09:51That's pretty good.
09:52Now, we got the drama
09:53in Venezuela,
09:53but that's not the only country
09:55that America was getting
09:56pushy with this week.
09:57Question, who was the
09:58other country
09:59that America was
10:00kind of bumping shoulders
10:02with this week?
10:02That bitch Canada.
10:06I love how confidently
10:07wrong you are.
10:08I love it.
10:10China, right?
10:11I mean, he's throwing
10:12terrorists?
10:12The answer is Russia.
10:13Hey, you should have
10:14known that one.
10:15I gotta say.
10:15Hey, you should have
10:16said, quote,
10:19if there's no path
10:20to peace in the short term,
10:21then the United States,
10:22along with our allies,
10:23will take the steps
10:24necessary to impose
10:26costs on Russia
10:28for its continued
10:29aggression.
10:31They're not, though.
10:31They're not.
10:32Because then he got
10:33on the phone with Putin
10:34and he said,
10:36hey, is it okay
10:37if I give tomahawks
10:39to Ukraine?
10:39And Putin said no.
10:40And he was like,
10:40all right.
10:41Why did they say
10:41anything then?
10:42Like, what's the point?
10:43What's the point
10:44of Pete saying that?
10:44It's to bring him
10:45to the table
10:46so that he can get
10:47that fucking
10:48Nobel Peace Prize.
10:50He missed the deadline.
10:52He didn't get
10:53the application in?
10:54On Friday,
10:55Trump met with
10:56Ukrainian President
10:57Zelensky in Washington
10:58and when asked
10:59whether Ukraine
11:00or Russia
11:01was doing better
11:02at negotiating
11:02a ceasefire,
11:04Trump said, quote,
11:05I think they're both
11:06doing a great job.
11:08Are they both
11:09doing a great job?
11:11At what?
11:12At shooting at each other?
11:13Fantastic.
11:14Do you remember
11:15the first time
11:16that Trump
11:17got mad at Putin
11:18this time
11:18and he put out
11:20that Truth Social post
11:21where he's like,
11:22Vladimir, stop.
11:25Either way,
11:26the White House
11:27is determined
11:27to control the narrative
11:29and that's maybe
11:29with good reason.
11:31What have Pentagon
11:32insiders said
11:34about Pete Hexif's
11:35demeanor?
11:36That he got demeanor
11:37than he used to be.
11:38I heard that he's stressed.
11:41He's anxious.
11:42He thinks he's going
11:43to get fired.
11:44What are your sources
11:45saying?
11:45I'll tell you
11:45what my sources
11:46are saying.
11:46What are your sources
11:47saying, Michael?
11:48They're saying he sucks.
11:52That is, in fact,
11:53what my sources
11:54are saying.
11:56In a Daily Mail article
11:57earlier this fall,
11:59Pentagon workers
11:59described Pete
12:00by saying, quote,
12:02dude's crawling
12:02out of his skin.
12:05Which is perfectly
12:06normal for lizard people.
12:07They molt.
12:07It's not a big deal.
12:09Michael, Julia,
12:10watch the clip.
12:11Tell me,
12:12what is the story?
12:13Argentina.
12:14Oh, that's Argentina.
12:15Oh, and that's the guy
12:15who's the, he's,
12:16he's in charge of it
12:17and then, he's much shorter
12:18than I thought he would be
12:19but he's got
12:20a terrible haircut.
12:21Oh, I understand
12:22what this is.
12:23United States of America
12:24gave Argentina
12:25$20 billion
12:26and then Argentina
12:28in exchange
12:29is selling
12:30soybeans
12:30to, uh,
12:32to, to, to China.
12:33Perfect score.
12:34Dang.
12:36Yes, the story is
12:37Trump's Argentinian
12:39bailout,
12:39who it helps,
12:40who it hurts
12:40and why it's happening
12:42at all.
12:43Well, we could probably
12:44use the money
12:45a little bit more
12:45here at home.
12:46Is that a good thing?
12:48Trump's obviously
12:48getting something
12:49out of it
12:50and, you know,
12:50it's not the first time
12:51Argentina's helped
12:52out a Nazi.
12:57Well, one reason
12:58why sending
12:59$20 billion
12:59into Argentina's
13:00a bad idea
13:01is because the money
13:02is going
13:02to this guy.
13:09Listen,
13:09if you don't let
13:10your children
13:10pursue the arts,
13:11this is what happens.
13:13They're going to do it
13:14at some point.
13:15It's either before
13:16they're a dictator
13:17or after.
13:18Uh, that is
13:19Argentinian president
13:20Javier Millet.
13:21Look at the president.
13:22Dollar store Wolverine
13:23right there.
13:24He looks like
13:27a British variety
13:28show host
13:28with allegations
13:29pending.
13:32The Trump
13:34administration
13:34is moving forward
13:35with a bailout
13:36for dollar store
13:37Wolverine's country
13:39of Argentina,
13:41providing a $20 billion
13:42lifeline
13:43that will come
13:43in the form
13:44of a currency swap
13:45with the nation's
13:46central bank,
13:47which they need
13:48because Millet
13:49implemented
13:50what is called
13:51fiscal shock therapy.
13:53He's, uh,
13:54slashing energy
13:55and transportation
13:56subsidies,
13:57laying off
13:58government workers,
13:59freezing public
14:00infrastructure projects,
14:01and as a result,
14:03the Argentinian economy
14:04is slowing down.
14:06Is he also
14:07the president
14:07of this country?
14:10Because that's
14:11exactly what's
14:11happening here.
14:12Sounds similar, right?
14:14Trump is kind of
14:15running the same
14:16playbook here.
14:17President Trump's
14:18energy department
14:18is canceling
14:19$7.5 billion
14:20in clean energy projects.
14:22The White House
14:22fired an estimated
14:244,000 federal workers.
14:25Last week,
14:26he announced
14:26that he was freezing
14:27$18 billion
14:28for critical infrastructure.
14:30Yeah, uh,
14:31just so we understand,
14:32we're-we're fine
14:33sending $20 billion
14:34to Argentina,
14:35uh, but this summer,
14:36Congress clawed back
14:37$1.1 billion
14:39that had been allocated
14:41to public broadcasting.
14:44So, so, yes.
14:46Hey, hey,
14:47shut up.
14:48Listen to me.
14:50The fewer people
14:51who are watching
14:52public broadcasting,
14:53the more people
14:53who are watching
14:54this show,
14:54and I need
14:56the job.
15:00I just think
15:01it's wild.
15:01We don't have money
15:02for Sesame Street,
15:03but we have money
15:04for a man
15:05who looks like
15:06Ernie's pervert uncle.
15:08They're both making
15:11the same smile.
15:13That's what's so...
15:14And so if Argentina wins,
15:16then question on,
15:18who loses?
15:20We sell our soybeans
15:22to China,
15:23but China said,
15:25we don't want
15:25your soybeans anymore
15:26because you keep
15:26putting tariffs on it.
15:28So instead,
15:28we're going to go
15:29to Argentina
15:30and buy their soybeans,
15:32which are being grown
15:34with our dollars.
15:35I hate it.
15:36Yeah.
15:37If Argentina's winning,
15:39American farmers
15:40are losing,
15:41and here's how
15:41they're losing.
15:42For the first time
15:43on record,
15:43Chinese buyers
15:44ordered zero soybeans
15:46from U.S. farmers
15:47as the fall harvest began.
15:50China typically purchases
15:51more than half
15:52of America's crop.
15:54While tariffs
15:54shut down exports,
15:56the U.S. Treasury
15:57helped bail out Argentina.
15:59So Argentina's economy
16:00was busted before Malay,
16:03and then people elected Malay
16:05because he was like,
16:06I'm an anarchic capitalist.
16:08I'm going to fix the economy
16:10with all these crazy things.
16:13I'm going to do
16:13like shock therapy,
16:14and then he gets elected,
16:15and he's like,
16:16Yeah, you do shock therapy,
16:17and then you look
16:17at the electric bill,
16:18you go,
16:18oh, fuck.
16:20I need $20 billion
16:22right now.
16:24Argentina has defaulted
16:26on its debt
16:26nine times
16:28since they became
16:28a country in 1816,
16:30and three times
16:32since 2000,
16:34most notably in 2001,
16:36when they defaulted
16:37on a $132 billion
16:40worth of foreign debt.
16:42Well, no wonder
16:43Trump likes him.
16:44He sees himself in the way.
16:47But for Trump,
16:48taxpayer money
16:49isn't just a reward
16:51for his friends.
16:52It's also a weapon
16:53against his enemies,
16:55including mass transit projects
16:57in Chicago
16:58and hydrogen energy projects
17:01in Washington State
17:02and California.
17:03What city is Trump
17:05targeting more
17:06than any other city?
17:09New York!
17:10New York!
17:11You're a theater kid.
17:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:12Yeah, it's New York City.
17:14Trump has stopped
17:15the delivery
17:16of about $18 billion
17:17in pledged investments
17:19for two major projects,
17:21the Second Avenue subway
17:22and the Hudson River Tunnel.
17:25Who does Trump say
17:26is to blame
17:27if New York City
17:29funding gets cut?
17:31So, Ron.
17:32Points.
17:32Yeah, you're right.
17:33Trump is blaming
17:35New York City
17:36mayoral candidate
17:37Zoran Mamdani.
17:39There he is.
17:42Yeah, Trump has been
17:44lobbying threats
17:45at New York City
17:45for a while.
17:46He says New Yorkers
17:47need to elect someone else
17:48or the city gets it.
17:50He's a communist.
17:51He's down and dirty.
17:53He's a communist.
17:54And I'm very generous.
17:55And I was always
17:55very generous with New York.
17:56But I wouldn't be generous
17:58to a communist.
17:59It's not his personal
18:00fucking money.
18:01It's Argentina's.
18:02I do have
18:05an unrelated detour,
18:08Gianmarco.
18:08Yeah.
18:09At the Mamdani rallies,
18:11what kind of food
18:11they be serving?
18:13I will say this.
18:14It wasn't the most
18:16exciting food,
18:17but there was enough
18:17for everybody.
18:23Welcome back.
18:31It's time for the
18:32Offend-O-Meter.
18:32Teams have to tell us
18:33who's the offender,
18:35what they did,
18:36and who they offended.
18:38Let's see your offender.
18:40Who is this offender?
18:41He was in my
18:42geometry class,
18:43I think.
18:44Is it Tom Holland?
18:48I want to believe
18:50that he did not
18:52do anything racist.
18:53I want to believe
18:54he's just a regular
18:55little baby.
18:56He is.
18:56Doing some,
18:57on his ga-ga-goo-goo shit.
18:59Pretty much.
19:02That is photojournalist
19:03Graham Sloan.
19:05Oh!
19:08Graham Sloan
19:09offended Donald Trump.
19:11Now, how did Sloan
19:13offend Donald Trump?
19:14He took a picture
19:16from below
19:17of Donald Trump
19:18that made it seem
19:19like he had no hair
19:20and a vagina neck.
19:22Oddly,
19:24it was basically
19:26an upstart photo,
19:28but it was not.
19:30So it was like
19:31Donald Trump
19:32had a Brazilian
19:33and then put that
19:34on the cover
19:35of Time Magazine.
19:38I just love
19:40that you just said
19:40neck and vagina.
19:42Like, that's just
19:42a regular
19:43anatomical part
19:45of human...
19:45It's been a thing
19:47since old men
19:49wear collared shirts.
19:50Yeah.
19:51A lot of them haven't.
19:54Graham Sloan
19:55offended President Trump
19:56by taking a picture
19:57of him
19:58that Trump hated,
19:59a picture that ended up
20:00on the cover
20:01of Time Magazine.
20:02Here's a CBS News reporter
20:04reading his
20:05Truth Social post.
20:06He's calling out
20:07Time Magazine
20:08for using a bad
20:10photo of him.
20:11The picture, quote,
20:12may be the worst
20:14of all time.
20:15They disappeared my hair
20:17and then had some...
20:19I'm just quoting
20:20the president here, folks.
20:21They had something
20:21floating on the top
20:22of my head
20:23that looked like
20:23a floating crown
20:24but an extremely
20:25small one.
20:28Really weird.
20:29No, that's an M.
20:30That's the letter M.
20:32The thing about
20:33that neck vagina,
20:34though, is
20:34that's...
20:35that's a neck vagina
20:37after a few kids.
20:39You know?
20:39I need to know now,
20:52is neck vagina
20:53going to make it
20:54into the show or not?
20:55Now, Trump says
20:58that that was
20:59the worst photo
21:00of all time
21:02that's been taken
21:03of him,
21:04which is saying a lot
21:05because if that's
21:06the worst photo
21:06of all time,
21:07then that means
21:07the neck photo
21:08is worse than
21:10this photo
21:10where he appears
21:12to be flirting
21:12with a geriatric beaver.
21:15That means
21:15that the photo
21:16is also worse
21:17than this one.
21:19We're like a scarecrow
21:20on a golf course.
21:22It's also worse
21:23than this one.
21:25To be fair,
21:26they both look
21:26pretty good there.
21:28Pretty neck kids.
21:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:31Now, of course,
21:32Fox News had to weigh in
21:33on the picture
21:34of their handsome boy.
21:37Question,
21:38does anyone know
21:39what Fox News
21:40had to say
21:41about the photo?
21:42It's the prettiest pussy
21:43I've ever seen.
21:50Fox News always has
21:52something nice to say
21:53about Trump
21:53and this time
21:54was no different.
21:55Look,
21:56this is a big step forward
21:57because you know
21:57what you don't see here?
21:58Orange.
21:59They typically poach him
21:59in that orange hue.
22:00So I think maybe
22:01they're saying,
22:02hey, you know what?
22:02We'll do it the right way.
22:03We'll give him
22:04the right hue.
22:04But if that's not orange,
22:06what the fuck is orange?
22:08That was orange as hell.
22:10Can we bring back up
22:11that dude's name?
22:12I saw something.
22:13The photo expert
22:14in that Fox clip.
22:15Can you zoom in
22:16on the...
22:17That was photography
22:20critic extraordinaire.
22:22Gruul.
22:22Chef Andrew Gruul.
22:25From the ancient Gruul family.
22:28Now, when RNC chair
22:30Joe Gruters was asked
22:32about his travels
22:33with the president,
22:34he might have given us
22:35a hint as to why
22:37Trump looks like that
22:38in the picture.
22:39So when he gets on a plane
22:40on one visit
22:41when I was with him,
22:41he had hot fries
22:43waiting for him
22:44from McDonald's.
22:44And then he had
22:45a Filet-O-Fish,
22:47a Quarter Pounder,
22:48and a Big Mac.
22:49And I think
22:49you can buy
22:50two of them.
22:51Oh, wow.
22:53Now, you combine
22:54a Big Mac
22:55and a Quarter Pounder.
22:56All right.
22:58But if you combine
22:59a Big Mac
22:59with a Filet-O-Fish,
23:00you's a savage, bro.
23:02Like...
23:03You can't mix
23:05tartar sauce
23:05with the Big Mac sauce.
23:06Like, that's not...
23:08That's harem,
23:09as we say.
23:10That is forbidden.
23:12Trick.
23:12I went with
23:14the Muslim harem.
23:15You went with
23:15the Jewish treff.
23:16Either way.
23:17They're both
23:18Abrahamic religions.
23:21All right.
23:21Let's look at
23:22your offender.
23:23Who that is?
23:24Kristi Noem.
23:25Yes, it is.
23:26Ice Barbie.
23:27Did you call her
23:28Ice Barbie?
23:29Mm-hmm.
23:29That's her
23:30internet name.
23:30Well, that's what
23:31they call her in the streets.
23:31Yeah.
23:32Ice Barbie.
23:33Yes, that is
23:34Homeland Security
23:35Secretary Kristi Noem.
23:37It looks like
23:38she's pressing charges
23:38against a Yankee
23:39candle manager
23:40right there.
23:42Like, that's not
23:43what happened.
23:43I'm saying
23:44what she looked like.
23:44Kristi Noem
23:45offended airport officials.
23:48How did she
23:49offend airport officials?
23:52She was trying
23:53to smuggle dogs
23:54onto a plane.
23:56Throw them out.
23:57Just shut up.
24:00You know,
24:00she was trying
24:01to check them
24:01and they said
24:02it's not safe
24:02and she said,
24:03I know.
24:07They're making
24:07a video,
24:08basically,
24:09a politicized video
24:10telling,
24:10listen,
24:11if the airport
24:11sucks today,
24:12it's Democrats' fault.
24:14Points, yes.
24:15Yeah.
24:16Kristi Noem
24:16offended those officials
24:18by making this video
24:20to be played
24:22at airports
24:22all over the country.
24:24It is TSA's
24:25top priority
24:26to make sure
24:26that you have
24:27the most pleasant
24:28and efficient
24:28airport experience
24:29as possible
24:30while we keep you safe.
24:32However,
24:33Democrats in Congress
24:34refuse to fund
24:35the federal government
24:35and because of this,
24:37many of our operations
24:38are impacted.
24:39I love the idea
24:40that someone's
24:40going to be like,
24:41why does a TSA
24:42suck today?
24:45So,
24:45are they
24:46really playing
24:47that in real airports?
24:49Okay,
24:49which brings you
24:50to the next question.
24:51How do you think
24:52the airport authorities
24:54in these respective cities
24:55are reacting
24:56to the ads?
24:57Oh,
24:57they mad.
25:00They're refusing.
25:01I mean,
25:01a lot of these airports
25:02are refusing.
25:03Yes.
25:03But a lot of them
25:04are like,
25:05yeah, whatever.
25:05We don't care.
25:06We're the airport.
25:07Yes,
25:07when the airport...
25:08I think a lot
25:10of them are like,
25:11our TVs haven't
25:12worked for years.
25:14Many airports
25:15are refusing
25:16to show the video,
25:17including Atlanta
25:18Airport,
25:19Charlotte,
25:20Newark.
25:20Oh,
25:21yeah.
25:23Yeah,
25:24all the states'
25:25Democrats
25:25don't need to win.
25:26I think a lot
25:27fewer airports
25:28would object
25:29to showing
25:29Christy's video
25:30if it were made
25:32by the guys
25:32that made
25:33this TSA video
25:34from Glacier Park
25:36International Airport.
25:37No guns
25:39or knives
25:40or pepper spray.
25:41No sharp,
25:42pointy scissors
25:43on the flight today.
25:45If it might
25:46cause a fire
25:47or a chemical burn,
25:49you gotta leave
25:49it behind.
25:50Safety is our
25:51concern.
25:55And you can see
25:56them Super Bowl
25:57Sunday
25:58at the Turning Point
25:58USA
25:59halftime show.
26:01I don't know
26:02what it is
26:03about white dudes
26:03in Hawaiian shirts.
26:04I'd be like,
26:05yeah,
26:05all right.
26:07Cause when white
26:08people put on
26:09a Bermuda shirt,
26:10they leave their
26:11racism at home.
26:12Cause they're
26:13on their way
26:13to Jamaica.
26:15Yeah,
26:16we're looking
26:16to get a little
26:16tan ourselves,
26:17you know?
26:19That was
26:19Offend-O-Meter.
26:21Welcome back.
26:33It's time for
26:34Lie Curious.
26:35I give you
26:35three biographical
26:36details about
26:37a public figure,
26:38but only one
26:39is true.
26:40You have to guess
26:40which is the truth
26:41and which are
26:42vicious,
26:43funky lies.
26:45Let's get started.
26:46Time for three facts
26:47about actor,
26:48filmmaker,
26:49and the only reason
26:50your daddy got a
26:51subscription to
26:51Paramount+.
26:52Sylvester Stallone.
26:56Our facts are
26:57his go-to karaoke
26:58song is
26:58Creep by TLC.
27:00He paid a witch
27:02to place a curse
27:03on Kevin Costner.
27:04Yeah,
27:04that's the one.
27:05He was sued
27:06over Pudding.
27:07Team Michael.
27:08I want to start
27:09with your contention
27:10that the go-to karaoke
27:12song that he sings
27:13is Creep by TLC.
27:15I heard it too.
27:16And not Creep
27:16by Radiohead.
27:18Oh.
27:19Do you want
27:19to have a Creep-off
27:20right now?
27:22Yeah.
27:24Pull up the spins
27:25because I didn't
27:26even know nothing
27:27about no Radiohead.
27:28There's only one Creep.
27:28What do you mean
27:29you don't know Creep by it?
27:30There's only one Creep.
27:31It's TLC.
27:33And it's the TLC Creep.
27:34Look,
27:35Radiohead is a legendary group,
27:36but I'm sorry.
27:37When another group
27:38come along
27:38with a better hit
27:39with the same name,
27:40you got to change
27:41your shit.
27:41A better hit?
27:42It is...
27:43Oh.
27:43Which one came first?
27:45Which one came best?
27:46That's TLC.
27:47TLC.
27:48Go home.
27:49Go home.
27:50There's no way
27:51on earth
27:51that I'm a Creep.
27:53I'm a weirdo.
27:54That's trash.
27:56We...
27:56At best,
27:58that's trash.
27:58I never thought
27:59it would come to this,
27:59but we're going to have
28:00a race war
28:01on this show.
28:05You think it's
28:06too paid a witch
28:07to place a curse
28:08on Kevin Costner?
28:10Probably.
28:11I love your confidence.
28:12Okay,
28:12we're going to go
28:12with paid a witch
28:13to place a curse
28:14on Kevin Costner.
28:15We don't know why,
28:16but we're going with it.
28:17Look,
28:17this is how
28:18I play this game.
28:18Well,
28:19by the way,
28:19if it's Creep for him
28:20and it's true,
28:22it's definitely
28:22our Creep.
28:23Look,
28:25the way you play
28:27this game is
28:28you look at these choices
28:30and you pick the one
28:31you want to be true.
28:32Now,
28:33let's play it
28:33all the way out.
28:34His go-to karaoke song
28:36is Creep.
28:36They have the footage.
28:38We watch it,
28:38we get to see
28:39this fool sing Creep,
28:40and then we feel good.
28:42Creep,
28:42that's what
28:43I want to see.
28:44You make a good argument.
28:44We're going with Creep,
28:45final answer.
28:50Sylvester Stallone
28:51was sued over pudding.
28:53Damn.
28:54Well,
28:55over a decade ago,
28:57Sylvester Stallone
28:58and his business partner
28:59were sued by a man
29:01named William Brescia
29:03who claimed
29:03they stole
29:04his recipe
29:05for a high-energy,
29:07low-carb pudding.
29:08But don't worry,
29:09the incident
29:10didn't make Stallone
29:11shy away
29:12from slapping his name
29:13on all types
29:14of merchandise.
29:15In fact,
29:15in 2013,
29:16our pudding buddy
29:17released a new product
29:19with a nearly
29:20four-minute-long commercial.
29:23Panel,
29:24I'm going to just show you
29:24the beginning
29:25of the commercial,
29:26and then you have to guess
29:27what the hell
29:28he was selling.
29:29All right.
29:29Yay!
29:30And I'll even give you
29:32a hint.
29:32Whatever this item is,
29:33it costs $6,150.
29:38To have peace,
29:40war is required.
29:45To keep order,
29:46first,
29:47there must be kids.
29:48What is Sylvester Stallone
29:55selling in that act?
29:56Is it heavy?
29:57Is it in this room?
29:58Animal, vegetable, mineral.
30:00Is it bigger than a bread box?
30:01Let's see what he's selling.
30:03Get the fuck out of here!
30:16That costs $6,000?
30:19$6,150
30:20for the chaos ink pen
30:23endorsed by Sylvester Stallone.
30:25I don't think of Sylvester Stallone
30:26and think, like,
30:27the written word.
30:28Can I just stand up
30:29for Sylvester Stallone
30:30for one second?
30:31Oh, what?
30:32The man wrote Rocky,
30:33one of the greatest movies
30:35ever made.
30:36He's a writer.
30:37Yeah, but did he write it
30:38by pen?
30:40So, the fuck are you
30:42standing up for
30:42Sylvester Stallone for?
30:44He don't need you,
30:45he don't like you.
30:46Make a real friend.
30:48Whoa!
30:49Whoa!
30:53He told me
30:54that we were going to
30:58go out for my birthday.
30:59He's not coming, Michael.
31:02Your new friends are black.
31:04You can't be friends
31:05with him anymore.
31:09Do I have to learn
31:10this song,
31:11Creep, by TLC?
31:12Goddamn right.
31:15All right,
31:15time for three facts
31:16about conservative podcaster
31:18Benny Johnson.
31:19Look like one of them
31:20youth group pastors.
31:22Our facts about
31:23Benny Johnson are
31:24his great-aunt
31:25is Jill Stein.
31:26He was fired from
31:28BuzzFeed for plagiarism.
31:30He uses Pop-Tarts
31:32as sandwich bread.
31:34Which one is the truth,
31:35Team Amber?
31:37I'm going with
31:38BuzzFeed for plagiarism.
31:39I like that one the most.
31:41It makes me happy.
31:43Great.
31:44Pop-Tarts
31:45as sandwich bread.
31:46I want to see it.
31:47Benny Johnson
31:47was fired from BuzzFeed
31:49for 41 cases
31:50of plagiarism.
31:53Now,
31:53Benny didn't just
31:54plagiarize news stories.
31:56Listicles, too?
31:58Points!
31:59I didn't even ask
32:00the question.
32:02Are you serious?
32:03No.
32:03Oh, my God!
32:05He also plagiarized
32:07listicles.
32:08He's the guy
32:09who, like,
32:09probably coined the phrase
32:10and number eight
32:11is going to shock you.
32:13This has been
32:14Live Curious.
32:15More after the break.
32:15Welcome back.
32:27It's time for
32:28Missing Words.
32:29Here's your headline.
32:31New Zealand company
32:32sells blank
32:33for pets.
32:35Cars for pets.
32:36Bungie jump cords
32:37for pets.
32:39That's popular there.
32:40To throw your pet
32:41off some shit
32:41and bounce back up?
32:44Yeah,
32:44if we enjoy doing it,
32:45why can't a dog?
32:46Okay,
32:46we're overthinking this.
32:48New Zealand company
32:49sells non-alcoholic wine
32:51for pets.
32:52Oh!
32:53Yes,
32:54because we all know
32:55if your cat
32:55is drinking with you,
32:56it's less sad.
32:59The New Zealand company
33:00Muntley's Estate
33:01has launched
33:03a line of
33:03catnip-infused wines
33:05for both cats and dogs
33:06with options like
33:07Champong,
33:10Per-no-noir
33:12and Savion Bark.
33:15My God,
33:16puns are hard.
33:17Each one of those
33:18worse than the last.
33:21Does anyone know
33:22what reality show
33:23featured a controversial
33:24moment
33:25of a dog
33:27drinking?
33:28Real Housewives.
33:29Jersey Shore.
33:30Solid guess.
33:31The answer,
33:32Netflix's Love is Blind.
33:34Same thing mentally.
33:36I'm good.
33:36Like, you know what I mean?
33:37Is that, like,
33:37I'm not saying
33:38is that, like,
33:38I want you to be a parent
33:39and you know what I mean?
33:40I can't imagine
33:41how incredible she is.
33:44The alcohol
33:45kills the germs.
33:46We all know this.
33:48She drank
33:50after the dog, y'all.
33:52I can't be here anymore.
33:54Here's your headline.
33:56Company makes
33:56blank
33:57that could help
33:58prevent
33:59blank.
34:00Oh,
34:01I have a guess
34:01but it's so stupid
34:02that it can't possibly
34:03be true.
34:04Company makes
34:05vaccine that could
34:06help prevent measles.
34:07That can't be true.
34:10Electric car
34:11that could help
34:12prevent pregnancy.
34:14Ooh!
34:15There's no backseat.
34:20Company makes
34:21inflatable pants
34:22that could help
34:23prevent falling.
34:24Awesome.
34:25A Canadian medical
34:27company is fine-tuning
34:28a prototype
34:29of a pair of pants
34:30that they say
34:31could soften the blow
34:33from a fall.
34:34Yes, Amber,
34:35we have footage.
34:36Let's take a look
34:37at these pants
34:37in action.
34:38So,
34:38something like this.
34:46You almost
34:47could have those
34:47as like some sort
34:48of like
34:48anti-harassment
34:49pants too
34:50and they're like
34:51if you guys are.
34:51They're trying to
34:52just a bit
34:52like
34:52Yeah,
34:53in case
34:53just in case
34:56Cuomo wins.
34:57Here's what one
35:03of the testers
35:04of the product
35:04had to say.
35:06You're sure
35:06if you fall
35:07you have protection?
35:10I mean,
35:11that dude's
35:12going to be okay
35:12if he fall
35:12because his turtle shell
35:13got his back.
35:14That dude...
35:15Here's your headline.
35:18Dodgers star
35:19leaves blank
35:20because wife
35:21blank.
35:22Dodgers star
35:23leaves damn Yankees
35:25because wife
35:26didn't tell him
35:26it was a musical.
35:29That's very good.
35:32That's severely plausible.
35:34Dodgers star
35:34leaves haunted
35:35Milwaukee hotel
35:36because wife
35:38believes in ghosts.
35:39Yeah,
35:39that's it.
35:40Before game two
35:41of the NLCS
35:42playoff series
35:43in Milwaukee,
35:44Dodgers outfielder
35:45Teoscar Hernandez
35:46revealed that
35:47he would not
35:48be staying
35:49with his team
35:50at the supposedly
35:51haunted
35:52130-year-old
35:54Pfister Hotel.
35:55Guests have reported
35:56seeing apparitions
35:57of Charles Pfister
35:59roaming the staircase.
36:00Hernandez said,
36:02quote,
36:02I don't believe
36:03in ghosts
36:03but my wife
36:04is on this trip
36:05and she said
36:06she doesn't want
36:07to stay there.
36:08That's like
36:09asking for a friend.
36:11It's like,
36:11it's not me.
36:12My wife believes in ghosts.
36:13Yeah,
36:13my wife don't want
36:14to stay there
36:14therefore we
36:15can't stay there.
36:17Question,
36:18where do we think
36:19Teoscar and his wife
36:20might have heard
36:21the stories
36:22about the hotel
36:23being haunted?
36:23In the lobby?
36:25They're like,
36:25welcome.
36:26Yo.
36:26Watch your ass.
36:27That's for real
36:28but like when you
36:29stay at haunted hotels
36:30and stuff,
36:30the employees are like,
36:31that's just George
36:32if you feel something
36:33touch your neck.
36:36They probably heard
36:37the story
36:38from Dodgers shortstop
36:39and teammate
36:40Mookie Betts
36:41who also thinks
36:43the hotel is haunted
36:44and quote,
36:44always checks
36:46into an Airbnb
36:47away from the team
36:48not ready
36:49to encounter
36:50any ghosts.
36:52I'd rather get
36:53haunted
36:54in a strange hotel room
36:55than roll the dice
36:56on an Airbnb.
36:59That's missing words.
37:01More after the break.
37:01Welcome back.
37:12It's time for
37:13Odd One Out.
37:14I'll show everybody
37:15four pictures.
37:16You'll have to guess
37:17which one sticks out
37:18like me
37:18in a young
37:19Republican's chat.
37:22Here's your group
37:23of four.
37:23We have Travis Kelsey,
37:25Ice Spice,
37:27Shaquille O'Neal,
37:28and Lil Yachty.
37:29Who is the Odd One Out
37:31and why?
37:32I can't imagine
37:33any of these people
37:34having anything
37:35in common
37:36with one another.
37:37Wait, who's the last guy?
37:38Lil Yachty.
37:39What does he do?
37:40He's a rapper.
37:41And Shaq is
37:41Shaq Diesel.
37:42Yeah, Shaq raps.
37:43And Ice Spice,
37:44she raps.
37:45She raps.
37:45Travis Kelsey
37:46does not rap.
37:47No.
37:47He's definitely
37:48tried to rap
37:49at some point.
37:51Yeah.
37:51There's no doubt.
37:52The Odd One Out
37:53is Ice Spice.
37:55Oh.
37:56Shaquille O'Neal,
37:57Travis Kelsey,
37:58and Lil Yachty
37:58all have appeared
38:00on cereal boxes
38:01while Ice Spice
38:02has done endorsements
38:03for Revlon,
38:03Dunkin',
38:04and Chia Pets.
38:06That makes sense.
38:08Shaq had his own
38:09line of frosted flakes
38:11with cinnamon basketballs
38:13and Lil Yachty
38:13was on a box
38:14of Reese's Puffs.
38:16And last year,
38:17Travis Kelsey
38:18and his brother Jason
38:19released Kelsey Mix.
38:20What cereals
38:22comprise
38:23the Kelsey Mix?
38:25Lucky Charms.
38:26One.
38:27Alphabet.
38:28Chex.
38:29Uh,
38:29Frosted Flakes.
38:30Shredded Wheat.
38:31Oh, Kix.
38:32What's the French Toast
38:33one?
38:33French Toast?
38:34Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
38:35Two of three.
38:36Yeah.
38:36Ooh.
38:36Uh,
38:37tuna.
38:41Reese's Puffs,
38:42Cinnamon Toast Crunch,
38:43and Lucky Charms
38:45are what comprise
38:47a box of Kelsey Mix.
38:49The prize in the bottom
38:50of that box
38:51is insulin.
38:52Now, of course,
38:55Travis Kelsey
38:55isn't just a football player
38:57and breakfast pioneer.
38:58He is, uh,
38:59now engaged
39:00to Taylor Swift.
39:01But some of the Swifties
39:03are mad at old Travis Kelsey.
39:05Does anyone know why?
39:07Now, this is something
39:08you don't know.
39:09Taylor Swift released
39:10that song.
39:11It was called Wood.
39:12And that's real.
39:13A red oak tree,
39:14I believe.
39:14Uh-huh.
39:14Uh, Swifties are mad
39:16at Travis for autographing
39:18their Taylor merch.
39:20So fans opened the CDs
39:22only to find Travis's signature
39:25along with Taylor's,
39:27which prompted comments like,
39:30who wants the signature
39:31of a man
39:32when you pay
39:32for Taylor Swift's?
39:34Her fans also went on
39:36to say,
39:37I'd love to see
39:37how Travis fans
39:38would react
39:39if they got merch
39:40signed by Taylor.
39:41No, I...
39:42Like, respect our space, too.
39:44That's really...
39:46That's love.
39:47To think that someone
39:48would want
39:49your boyfriend's signature?
39:52That's madness.
39:53If anything,
39:54they wanted a picture
39:55of the red oak tree.
39:56That was Ott went out.
40:09Welcome back.
40:10It's time for
40:10Which Is Higher?
40:11I'll give you two
40:12unrelated numbers
40:13from the news.
40:14You tell me
40:14which is higher.
40:16The weight of this
40:17jumbo pumpkin
40:18in the UK,
40:20which recently broke records
40:21as the largest
40:22and heaviest pumpkin
40:23in the world,
40:24or the weight
40:26of a 2014
40:27Mini Cooper's
40:28hardtop
40:28two-door automatic.
40:31The car
40:32has to be heavier, right?
40:33But this is
40:34the heaviest pumpkin.
40:36It's a pumpkin of note.
40:37But how heavy
40:38could a pumpkin
40:39really be?
40:39800 pounds?
40:40I'm thinking pumpkin.
40:42We want to say pumpkin
40:43because we're living
40:44out here.
40:46I'm going to use
40:47my captain's
40:49prerogative
40:50Okay.
40:51To overrule Julia.
40:53Julia,
40:53you don't have to
40:54do what he says.
40:55You can do
40:55whatever the fuck
40:56you want.
40:58I'm with pumpkin.
41:00The weight
41:01of the world's
41:01heaviest pumpkin
41:02is 2,819 pounds
41:05and the weight
41:07of a 2014
41:08Mini Cooper
41:08is 2,795 pounds.
41:14So the weight
41:15of the jumbo pumpkin
41:16is higher
41:17than the Mini Cooper.
41:20That was
41:20which is higher.
41:21I want to thank
41:22our guests
41:22John Marcos
41:23Ceresi
41:24and Julia
41:25Yaffe.
41:26And of course
41:27as always
41:27thank you to
41:28our team
41:28captains
41:29Amber Ruffin
41:30and Michael Ian Black.
41:33Before we sign off
41:34here are a few more
41:36stories we are watching.
41:39Grandpa's got
41:39both your noses.
41:44Macy's unveils
41:45first X-rated
41:46Thanksgiving balloon.
41:51I'm Roy Woodjury
41:52and I'll see you next week
41:53for another episode
41:54of Have I Got News
41:54for you.
41:55And we still
41:56have not seen
41:57all the Epstein files.
42:00Good day.
42:00I'm Roy Woodjury
42:01and I'll see you next week.
42:02Bye.
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