Have I Got News for You Season 70 Episode 3

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Transcript

00:30APPLAUSE

00:36Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

00:39I'm Alexander Armstrong.

00:40In the news this week, in Courchevel, Prince Andrew and Fergie

00:44put another bad week behind them with a relaxing ski break.

00:56In Pyongyang, after three and a half weeks of constipation

00:59a much-needed suppository arrives for Kim Jong-un.

01:11And in Arbroath, at the opening of an exhibition on the history

01:14of trowels, one woman wonders how long it'll be

01:16before she can sneak out for a fag.

01:29On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently appeared

01:31in a TV show about sharks in which one of them actually bit his leg.

01:35A shocking, unpleasant experience, but that tastes probably

01:37out of its mouth by now.

01:39Please welcome Ross Snowball.

01:46On Paul's team tonight is a journalist who says the worst part

01:48of attending the Riyadh Comedy Festival was being made to applaud

01:51Saudi Arabia's authoritarian rulers,

01:53although that was before she had to watch Jimmy Carr.

01:56Please welcome Helen Lewis!

01:59APPLAUSE

02:03We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.

02:05Ian and Ross, this is yours.

02:08It's the Holy Land, as the Messiah's arrived.

02:12Thank you. It's a message to himself.

02:15I'm brilliant.

02:17Yep, it's me.

02:19This is a sort of grudging praise week.

02:22He's done it.

02:23He's done it.

02:24He's done it, he's solved it, and that's the end of it now.

02:27Yeah.

02:28It's just done.

02:29Yes, this is news that Donald Trump has brought peace to Gaza.

02:32What did Trump receive in the Knesset?

02:35He received lashings, treacle loads of praise.

02:39Yes.

02:40And again, largely from himself.

02:42It was incredible to watch.

02:43And he said that everyone had spoken for too long.

02:45And then he said, and I told you, your policy of kill, kill, kill, kill.

02:50I mean, that's not going to work.

02:52I mean, that is the first time it's been described in those terms.

02:56It was like the world's weirdest father of the bride speech.

02:59It had that air to it, like, a bit late in the evening,

03:01what's he going to say?

03:03And he did the thing where, oh, you've got great weapons.

03:06We sold them to you, he said.

03:08The states were like demeanour for which he has become famous.

03:10Yes, he got several standing ovations, didn't he?

03:12Endless applause, had over two hours of praise,

03:14writing about it in The Times.

03:16Tom Peck said,

03:17Flattery, Disraeli once said, is best laid on with a trowel.

03:21In the Israeli parliament, they laid it on with a JCP.

03:23LAUGHTER

03:25What's the headache now for Netanyahu, though?

03:27Well, the corruption charges that are hanging over his head

03:29might be an issue.

03:30Well, exactly.

03:31But Trump's on that too.

03:32He said to the Israeli president, Isaac Herzog, he said,

03:34Come on, forget about it!

03:36LAUGHTER

03:37What he said in his speech, he said,

03:39I have an idea, why don't you give Netanyahu a pardon?

03:42Cigars and champagne, who the hell cares?

03:45LAUGHTER

03:46That was the corruption, not a reward.

03:48Yeah.

03:49Where did Trump go after the Knesset?

03:51He went to Sharm el-Sheikh.

03:52He did.

03:53Here is Trump getting back on Air Force One.

03:54I'd love you just to watch this and perhaps explain to me what is...

03:57What's going on?

04:00LAUGHTER

04:04LAUGHTER

04:08Is that...

04:09LAUGHTER

04:16Is that Tony Blair?

04:18LAUGHTER

04:21Who was waiting for Trump in Egypt when he got there?

04:24That bloke.

04:26LAUGHTER

04:27He gave a conference, a peace conference, in which no-one else spoke.

04:31LAUGHTER

04:32Oh, no, to be fair...

04:33No, I'm...

04:34Keir Starmer did...

04:35He called...

04:36Where's UK?

04:37Where's UK?

04:38LAUGHTER

04:39He called...

04:40He called...

04:41Get back.

04:42And he had to slink away.

04:44Where's UK?

04:45Didn't even know his name.

04:46LAUGHTER

04:47Let's have a look at this.

04:48This is Keir Starmer thinking he's about to be asked to speak

04:50to the world.

04:51Aw.

04:52Where's the United Kingdom?

04:53Where's our friend?

04:54Where...

04:55Come here.

04:56Is everything going good?

04:58Very good.

04:59It's very nice of you here.

05:00These people all came on, like...

05:0320...

05:0420-minute notice.

05:05LAUGHTER

05:06And I think it's fantastic.

05:07And we have so many others.

05:09And just so many others.

05:10LAUGHTER

05:11LAUGHTER

05:12Have you got the handshake he did with President Macron?

05:16We do, yes.

05:17Let's see that.

05:18LAUGHTER

05:39Fantastic.

05:40You're going to have to get the UN to separate them.

05:43LAUGHTER

05:44So, how much credit should the UK get for peace in Gaza?

05:48Well, it depends which American you believe, doesn't it?

05:50Well, this is true.

05:51I mean, there were two, weren't there, Helen?

05:52Yeah, Bridget Philipson said,

05:53We were great.

05:54We were actually...

05:55You know, you didn't hear a lot about it,

05:56because we don't like to boast,

05:57but actually, we were vital behind the scenes.

05:58And Mike Huckabee, as the US ambassador to Israel, said,

06:01No.

06:02This is right.

06:03Bridget Philipson said,

06:04We played a key role behind the scenes in shaping this.

06:07Mike Huckabee then said,

06:08I assure you, she's delusional.

06:11LAUGHTER

06:12It's been a good week for Trump.

06:14Something has dampened his mood, though.

06:15What might that have been?

06:16Was it the cover of...

06:17The cover of Time magazine.

06:18The cover of Time magazine.

06:19Yes, that's right.

06:20Where he was all jowly and his hair looked thin.

06:22Didn't like it.

06:23He's not happy with that at all.

06:24Didn't like it at all.

06:25I believe he had what young people called a neck-ussie.

06:26What?

06:27He had a neck-ussie.

06:28Tell us, what's the neck?

06:29What's the ussie?

06:30You can work it out for you.

06:31Yes, got it.

06:32Thank you very much.

06:33Thank you very much.

06:34No, he...

06:35He said about the Time front cover,

06:37he said,

06:38They disappeared...

06:40They disappeared my hair

06:42and then had something floating on top of my head

06:44that looked like a floating crown,

06:45but an extremely small one.

06:47That was the letter M in Time.

06:48Yes, let's have a look at it.

06:50There it is.

06:52It's more party hat than crown, isn't it?

06:55Or horns, maybe.

06:57Yeah, or playboy ears.

06:59Yes.

07:00Trump wrote on Truth Social,

07:02The picture may be the worst of all time.

07:06Go on, Donald.

07:07It's not as bad as this one.

07:09Yeah.

07:18Closer to home, what's rumbling on for Starmer?

07:20The Chinese spy case.

07:21This is absolutely right.

07:22No-one seeming to be able to buy the government's claims

07:25that the case collapsing wasn't their fault.

07:27Tory MP Tom Tugendhat described Labour's excuses as pure fabrication.

07:31The problem is, essentially, Labour said,

07:33well, this all happened when the Tories were in government

07:35and the Tories say this was Labour's screw-up.

07:37And I'm afraid it's one of those stories

07:38that slightly makes my eyes cross, essentially.

07:41Trying to retain the details of it is almost impossible.

07:43Well, I think the cover that China may not be our best friends

07:46may have been blown a while back.

07:48I mean, there are a few giveaway clues that I would have brought up

07:51in the trial.

07:53Hong Kong.

07:54Mmm.

07:55They're an ally of Russia's.

07:57Yeah.

07:58I don't know.

07:59You know, I'm not an espionage expert,

08:01but my guess is this isn't good.

08:04Yeah.

08:05And also, they're listening to you through your toaster,

08:08which I don't like.

08:10LAUGHTER

08:14What sort of toaster have you got?

08:16Um...

08:17I suppose I should have.

08:19It's the Huawei spy toaster.

08:21LAUGHTER

08:23It's very confusing, that...

08:25In Newcastle, that company Huawei is very...

08:28Huawei, Huawei, Huawei, Huawei.

08:31The head of MI5 said,

08:33yeah, of course China's a threat.

08:34They're a threat every day.

08:36And my toaster agrees.

08:37LAUGHTER

08:39Look, I'm not an expert, but they're so...

08:43LAUGHTER

08:44They're so desperate for all this information...

08:46Yeah.

08:47..that it seems to call into question

08:49how effective fortune cookies are.

08:52LAUGHTER

08:53You know what I mean?

08:54LAUGHTER

08:56Think about it.

08:57APPLAUSE

08:59Can I just congratulate everybody on the panel

09:03for not saying what is the takeaway from this Chinese...

09:05LAUGHTER

09:07LAUGHTER

09:08This is a fine thing that has done that.

09:10APPLAUSE

09:12This is Donald Trump's peace plan for Gaza.

09:14Yes.

09:15At one point, members of the Knesset chanted,

09:17Trump, Trump, Trump.

09:18Though it's unclear why they were singing

09:20Nelly the Elephant in the first place.

09:21LAUGHTER

09:23In other news, the row over China's espionage threat continues.

09:26According to one government spokesperson,

09:28Chinese espionage is threatening the UK's economic prosperity.

09:31Great!

09:32Can I use that?

09:33Said Rachel Reeves.

09:34LAUGHTER

09:35According to the Times,

09:37Chinese companies have been buying stakes in Britain's

09:39infrastructure, including 9% of Thames water.

09:42The other 91% of Thames water is, of course, turds.

09:45LAUGHTER

09:46Paul and Helen?

09:47Yes.

09:48Here's yours.

09:49Oh, right, yes.

09:50So, the Beverley sisters are coming back.

09:52LAUGHTER

09:53This is sumo wrestlers, obviously.

09:55That's their breakfast there, being sorted out.

09:57LAUGHTER

09:58Oh, they're on tour now.

09:59They've come to London and they've been taking in all the sights.

10:01That's right.

10:02By standing with their back to them.

10:04Yeah.

10:05So, sumo wrestling has come into the Royal Albert Hall

10:07for the first time in 50 years.

10:08Yeah.

10:09I was really pleased that this question has come up.

10:12Yeah.

10:13I was in Kensington this morning and I saw an enormous sumo wrestler

10:16standing at the bus stop.

10:18Yeah.

10:19I've been staying just next where the Albert Hall is

10:22and I saw a few of them and I genuinely...

10:24And I didn't know either.

10:25And I genuinely had this thought.

10:27I went, there's a lot of sumos around today.

10:29LAUGHTER

10:30What?!

10:31Yeah, I mean, it's the first time...

10:34It's actually 34 years.

10:3534 years.

10:36In those days the big name in sumo was Konishiki Yasokichi.

10:39Yes.

10:40He was known as Dump Truck.

10:42LAUGHTER

10:43Or...

10:44Meat Bomb.

10:45Take a look.

10:46Here they are arriving at Heathrow.

10:52Yeah, all together they look a normal size.

10:54You need the comparison.

10:55LAUGHTER

10:57Is that their lunch?

10:58LAUGHTER

11:01The Grand Sumo Tournament is taking place at the Albert Hall.

11:03What backstage precautions have organisers had to take?

11:06Oh, probably reinforcing the floor.

11:08Yes.

11:09Reinforcing the toilets.

11:10Reinforcing the toilets.

11:11Yes.

11:12200 kilograms of...

11:13Well, you don't want Dump Truck coming along, do you?

11:15LAUGHTER

11:16Or Meat Bomb.

11:17Meat Bomb.

11:18Meat Bomb.

11:19Yeah.

11:20What's so special about the sumo loincloth, the mawashi?

11:22It's only mawashi'd once.

11:24LAUGHTER

11:25I'm having a flashback to Aladdin.

11:30LAUGHTER

11:32It's 30 feet long and actually it is never washed.

11:36Isn't it?

11:37Because to do so would remove the wrestler's previous experience.

11:40LAUGHTER

11:42Well, yes.

11:44Yes.

11:45That's...

11:46That's surely the point.

11:47LAUGHTER

11:48Now, can you answer me this?

11:49They're famous for retracting their testicles.

11:52Mmm.

11:53That's...

11:54Who?

11:55What?

11:56Sumo wrestlers.

11:57LAUGHTER

11:58What do you mean, who?

12:00LAUGHTER

12:01I thought we might have moved on to another question.

12:03LAUGHTER

12:04We might be doing the shadow cabinet or something.

12:06I don't know.

12:07What they're training is they're able to...

12:09Through...

12:11Through muscle control.

12:12Yeah.

12:13They're able to retract the testicles.

12:16Like, pull them up inside.

12:17Yeah.

12:18And then...

12:19I mean, I don't know.

12:20Some bloke in the pub told me.

12:21LAUGHTER

12:23We dump truck, you'd have our job finding them in the first place,

12:25wouldn't we?

12:26Sticking with ancient and hallowed sporting rituals.

12:29Yes.

12:30Well done.

12:31What is going on here?

12:33Oh, this is the World Conquer Champion.

12:35They've just had the Conquer Championships.

12:37That's it.

12:38And he's won.

12:39That is the crowning of King Conquer,

12:40the winner of the World Conquer Championships,

12:4237-year-old Matt Cross from Lincolnshire.

12:44Yeah.

12:45I'm absolutely speechless.

12:46He lied.

12:47Yeah.

12:48LAUGHTER

12:49I mean, if anyone's King Conquer, surely it should be this person.

12:52Look at this.

12:53LAUGHTER

12:54They'll have our job retracting them, wouldn't they?

12:56LAUGHTER

12:57The Conquer competition has got a fascinating history, though.

13:00Do you know how it started?

13:01Just extreme boredom, presumably.

13:03According to committee member St John Burkett,

13:05the tournament began in 1965,

13:07when some men were going to go fishing and...

13:09LAUGHTER

13:11That's how a lot of stuff happens.

13:13Staying with sport, what has Cabo Verde achieved?

13:16Oh, they've qualified for the World Cup.

13:18They have.

13:19They beat the mighty Eswatini.

13:20They're a very small team.

13:21Very small island, is it?

13:22Yeah.

13:23The size of what?

13:24A walnut.

13:25The size of...

13:26Yeah.

13:27The size of Sheffield.

13:28It's like that you started talking about football,

13:30and Ian and I retracted...

13:32LAUGHTER

13:33Like the balls of a sumo.

13:35LAUGHTER

13:36England also qualified for the World Cup.

13:38Yeah.

13:39Why is Gary Neville a wanker?

13:41LAUGHTER

13:42Ian.

13:43LAUGHTER

13:44In the eyes of many England fans.

13:46Um...

13:47He was on this show, wasn't he?

13:48He was, yeah.

13:49That doesn't make anyone a wanker automatically.

13:51LAUGHTER

13:52Oh, I think you'll find it does.

13:53LAUGHTER

13:54I thought it was a prerequisite.

13:56LAUGHTER

13:57England fans were unhappy that Gary Neville had ordered the Union flag

14:02to be taken off a building that he owns.

14:04Oh.

14:05Yes, it was being used in a negative fashion,

14:07and after the game on Wednesday night, the England fans sang

14:10Gary Neville, you're a wanker, you're a wanker,

14:12to the tune of the Alleluia Chorus.

14:14LAUGHTER

14:15Handel's Messiah.

14:16Yeah.

14:17Will you be playing that on Classic FM?

14:19LAUGHTER

14:20Will you be recording it and putting it on your next album?

14:23Yeah, it almost certainly is, yeah.

14:25LAUGHTER

14:26Unsavoury choral chants.

14:28LAUGHTER

14:31A selection of Gregorian filth.

14:33LAUGHTER

14:34Oh, I bet there was some.

14:35Talking about exciting big world events, Helen,

14:37where have you just been?

14:38Yes, I went to the first-ever Riyadh stand-up comedy festival.

14:41How did you do?

14:42LAUGHTER

14:43I got a tight five of my best women's lib material.

14:46Oh, right, yes.

14:47Very well.

14:48It was a place where women only were allowed to drive in 2019,

14:51so you can still, if you've got any old women drivers' material,

14:53really, it was still very fresh to them.

14:55LAUGHTER

14:56Did you not get the calls on?

14:58No, of course, no, I didn't get the calls.

14:59Not Saudi Pointless?

15:00No.

15:01Saudi Pointless?

15:02Yeah.

15:03Yeah, you could have called it Saudi... Saudi Headless.

15:05LAUGHTER

15:06I was furious.

15:07I wasn't even offered it.

15:08I wasn't even offered...

15:09I would have had some of that sweet blood money.

15:13LAUGHTER

15:14But, luckily, I'm in the running for the Boca Haram Giggle Fest.

15:18LAUGHTER

15:19Not for that.

15:21That's the one.

15:23That's the one.

15:25That's the one.

15:26Stand up for ISIS.

15:28I'm doing that one.

15:29LAUGHTER

15:31This is the Royal Albert Hall,

15:32which is hosting a sumo wrestling competition, or Basho,

15:35who I haven't seen since school.

15:37Yeah.

15:38LAUGHTER

15:39And so...

15:40Oh, you're retracting those.

15:42Yeah.

15:43LAUGHTER

15:45You've gone too far.

15:47LAUGHTER

15:56You should have stopped at the eyebrows.

15:58And so, to round two, the telepathic transmitter of news.

16:03I am going to conjure up a news story using simply the power of my mind.

16:07Right, OK.

16:08It's like being on with a Teletubby.

16:13OK.

16:15Oh!

16:16LAUGHTER

16:25Does it involve the word wrong-ing?

16:27LAUGHTER

16:28They see his own helmet's taking the piss out of him.

16:31Champion.

16:34This is yet more news of Prince Andrew's relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.

16:38He was discovered telling the same lie as his wife.

16:41He announced that he had no further contact with Epstein,

16:44the pedo...person.

16:47Erm...

16:48What a very polite way of putting it.

16:50Yes!

16:51I say, you pedo person.

16:52LAUGHTER

16:53The politeness never hurt.

16:54Exactly.

16:55LAUGHTER

16:57He announced in the Emily Maitlis interview that after a certain date

17:02he went over to New York and said, this is it, I can't have any contact

17:06with you any more, and then an email turned up.

17:08Exactly right.

17:09So it was a reported leaked email from 2011, sent the day after the photo

17:12of the Duke posing with Virginia Giffray was published.

17:15Andrew writes in it...

17:16It would seem we are in this together and we will have to rise above it.

17:19I'm just as concerned for you.

17:21Don't worry about me.

17:22Keep in close touch and we'll play some more soon.

17:26Urgh!

17:27Hmm.

17:28What punishment is Andrew facing?

17:29Is it none?

17:30Well, according to the Daily Mail, one option for the disgraced Duke

17:34is banning him from shooting on the Royal Estate.

17:37Oh!

17:38Could they not, um, de-print him?

17:40Is there a mechanism for that?

17:42I don't know if they can do that, but they could strip him of his

17:45remaining honours.

17:46What, just call him the artist formerly known at?

17:49LAUGHTER

17:51APPLAUSE

17:53The trouble is, right, they've at least got him under control

17:55at the moment, but he will literally do anything for cash.

17:59So if they force him out, he'll be doing panto...

18:02The mosque singer.

18:04He'll be doing the Riyadh stand-up comedy festival.

18:06LAUGHTER

18:07I mean, he's still a Knight of the Garter,

18:09and they could strip him of that.

18:11Is there any special sort of privilege to be a Knight of the Garter?

18:14You get 10% off sports equipment or something?

18:16LAUGHTER

18:17He doesn't take a part in any of the public aspects

18:19of the annual ceremony of the Knights of the Garter.

18:22Instead, he's apparently confined to the private parts.

18:25LAUGHTER

18:26I think he's not allowed to go to church at Christmas.

18:29Oh, that's come from God.

18:30Yeah.

18:31LAUGHTER

18:33Meanwhile, in other royal news, what were the King and Queen

18:35given this week?

18:37They were given Lego versions of themselves.

18:40On a visit to a community hall near Balmoral,

18:42the local Lego club presented them with these homemade...

18:45..efforts.

18:46Is that Prince Andrew in the background?

18:48LAUGHTER

18:50Also during the visit, the King and Queen were treated

18:54to a performance by a fiddler.

18:56LAUGHTER

18:57Who was the fiddler?

18:58I was thinking of Baroness Moan.

19:00LAUGHTER

19:02Fingers.

19:03It was clean.

19:04LAUGHTER

19:05It was clean.

19:06There's a game short.

19:07Fiddler's three.

19:08Yeah.

19:09You've got Moan.

19:10You've got the...

19:11Move on.

19:12LAUGHTER

19:13Take it away.

19:14APPLAUSE

19:15Fingers on buzzers, team...

19:17Yep, here we go.

19:18Oh, OK.

19:19This is working really well, by the way.

19:20Yeah.

19:21It's good.

19:23Oh, I'm being hypnotised.

19:24What's going on?

19:27BELL RINGS

19:28Paul and Helen.

19:29You've got holes.

19:30Um...

19:31No, dinosaur prints.

19:32Yeah, dinosaur footprints.

19:33Dinosaur prints.

19:34They found a big quarry, they blew it up and there's this dinosaur

19:37that walked across there sometime last week, they think.

19:40Yeah.

19:41And the longest sort of track of dinosaur prints ever discovered.

19:44That's exactly right.

19:45200 footprints.

19:46And there's a bit where the dinosaur stopped and, like, sort of

19:48looked around and just go, oh, am I going to go extinct?

19:51Yeah.

19:52I mean, they said that.

19:54They said that it was a four-legged creature walking along.

19:57Yeah.

19:58Could have been two-legged doing a chorus line.

20:00LAUGHTER

20:01But, yes, it's 220 metres long.

20:03Yeah.

20:04Do you want to see the recreation of the dinosaur responsible?

20:06Yeah.

20:07This is a Ceteosaurus.

20:08Right, OK.

20:09We can start to animate this skeleton to make the feet hit the

20:14footfalls, hit the tracks where they should be.

20:17It kind of is a stroll, really, isn't it?

20:19Yeah, it is.

20:20It's not moving particularly fast, two metres per second.

20:22It's about the same speed as a human would walk quickly.

20:25And so it looks like it's paused, maybe looked behind it,

20:29and then kept moving along in this direction.

20:32What a great job.

20:33What am I going to do today?

20:35I'm going to animate a dinosaur, see how it walked.

20:37Oh, it walked like you'd expect a dinosaur to walk.

20:40LAUGHTER

20:41That was your job.

20:42You'd get bored by lunchtime and then you'd have it on a giant

20:45pogo stick.

20:46Yeah.

20:47Just landed.

20:48Boing, boing, boing, boing.

20:50Hey!

20:51This is the news that paleontologists have unearthed one

20:54of the longest continuous dinosaur trackways ever found.

20:57The excavation shows that 166 million years ago, Oxford was home

21:00to a large number of dinosaurs, although I imagine most of them

21:03got in on sports scholarships.

21:05LAUGHTER

21:07At the time the footprints were made, Britain was still part of Europe

21:10until a group of short-sighted dinosaurs decided that we should

21:13take back...

21:14APPLAUSE

21:16I know those dinosaurs.

21:19They were called tea brecks.

21:21LAUGHTER

21:24Fingers on buzzers, tea.

21:33Paul and Helen.

21:34People are stretching cats in Luton.

21:37LAUGHTER

21:38This is Vets Bills, isn't it?

21:39It is exactly right, yes.

21:41There's going to be a new sort of regulation come in,

21:43so people will have to...

21:44Vets have to advertise how much it costs to have your cat operated on.

21:47There have been huge price increases since 2016,

21:49caused mainly by large corporations

21:51buying up smaller independent veterinary practices.

21:54So you don't get the choice?

21:55You don't get the choice.

21:56And also, once you're in,

21:58it's very difficult to stop spending money.

22:00Very.

22:01How did one vet defend the costs to the BBC this week?

22:04Lots of very expensive equipment.

22:06Yes, the MRI machine costs like half a quarter of a million pounds.

22:10Oh, and she wanted a Porsche.

22:12LAUGHTER

22:15They said, though we love our pets,

22:17ultimately they are a luxury item.

22:19Who fancies a quick game?

22:20Quick game.

22:21OK, quick game.

22:22I'm going to test your knowledge of veterinary costs

22:23with a game of higher or lower.

22:24Right, OK.

22:25Let's start with a dog deworming procedure.

22:27How much that costs?

22:28800 quid.

22:29No, lower.

22:30Lower, 400 quid.

22:31Lower.

22:32Two, three, eight hundred quid.

22:34Lower.

22:35No, lower.

22:36Two, two, two hundred quid.

22:37100 pounds.

22:38100 pounds.

22:39She's still lower.

22:4020.

22:4120 pounds is exactly right.

22:42It's a bargain.

22:43That's a bargain.

22:44Might have one myself.

22:45Yeah.

22:46Higher or lower?

22:47A pet haircut.

22:48I can't be any more specific than that.

22:49Higher.

22:50Yes, higher.

22:51Do they charge more for lady cats?

22:52I don't know.

22:53No, they do, they're not.

22:54210.

22:55More, more.

22:56300.

22:57Higher, higher.

22:58400.

22:59400, thank you very much.

23:00Next one.

23:01Higher or lower, having your rabbit castrated?

23:02Oof.

23:03Well, you can do it for nothing at home.

23:05Well, it's not.

23:06You need two copies of the Encyclopaedia Botanica.

23:09Yeah.

23:10That's how you get the rabbit if it won't drink.

23:13Right.

23:14So you put a ball of water in front of it.

23:15Yeah.

23:16You get the Encyclopaedia.

23:17Yeah.

23:18Bang on its balls, it goes...

23:19And then that's...

23:20That's the only way to do it.

23:21Does that work on sumo wrestlers?

23:23Yeah.

23:24You can't do it.

23:25You creep up on a sumo wrestler with the Encyclopaedia Britannica...

23:28And they're gone.

23:29They're just laughing in your face.

23:30They're retracting or whatever.

23:32You actually need two bookcases.

23:34160 for rabbit castration.

23:37And that's the end of the game.

23:39Oh, wow.

23:40Great.

23:41Thank you very much.

23:42I love that.

23:43Fantastic.

23:44And now for the missing words round,

23:46which this week features as its guest publication,

23:48Ant Keeper magazine.

23:49And we start with...

23:50Kim Kardashian launches new range of underwear that what?

23:54Likes a challenge.

23:56The sad thing is, I know this one, they've got a muff on them.

24:00They're hairy.

24:01Yes.

24:02That's absolutely right.

24:03Yes, that is hairy.

24:04Here is one of Kim's faux hair microthongs on sale.

24:07Oh!

24:08So that's known as the Bin Laden.

24:11Yes.

24:12And it can also be flipped the other way up to guard Buckingham Palace.

24:17Yes.

24:18They come in a range of colours.

24:19Here's another.

24:20For the mature lady.

24:21Yes.

24:22Useful in the coming months if you need to dress up as Father Christmas, it's short.

24:32Is it just me or could you go with some super noodles?

24:35Put it away, a lot of you are making me hungry.

24:39Save it, save it for Riyadh.

24:49You don't get that on the buffet.

24:52I fancy a Chinese takeaway, not in front of the torch.

25:01We should have done the whole show like that.

25:04Next.

25:05What weighs more than all the birds and mammals in the world combined?

25:09Is it your mum?

25:14Sorry.

25:16I know this.

25:17It's the world's population of ants.

25:19It is exactly that, the total mass of the planet's ants.

25:21Absolutely right.

25:22That's according to Professor I Reckon from the University of Wild Guest.

25:29Next.

25:30Michael Gove says he got bored while what?

25:32Waiting to be seen at the clap clinic.

25:36I'm not saying he was given a clean bill of health.

25:40It's getting divorced, isn't it?

25:42That's exactly right.

25:43Divorcing his wife.

25:44Gove and his wife have been separated for a while now.

25:46If you're wondering about his current sleeping arrangements,

25:48he's now a member of the House of Lords.

25:51Next.

25:52According to AntExpert, the best ant joke is what?

25:55There's two ants playing football...

25:58..in a saucer.

25:59And one says to the other, we've got to keep practising,

26:00we're in the cup next week.

26:01Cup, saucer, and football playing.

26:05Thank you very much.

26:07Let's hear the best ant joke in the world according to AntExpert.

26:09OK, according to AntExpert.

26:10Here we go.

26:11Ants are so busy, how come they have time to go to all the picnics?

26:17This is, of course, from AntKeeper magazine.

26:20For a relaxing read, put the kettle on, make a cup of tea,

26:22and pour the rest of the boiling water on the ants.

26:24Finally, woman who regularly what says she took inspiration

26:29from watching monkeys?

26:30Paints her arse red.

26:33We've all seen them in Safeways, haven't we?

26:35We've seen them a bit.

26:36Is it...

26:38..throws her shit at school, children?

26:42No, she is a woman who walks around on all fours.

26:45Here is nature-lover Alexia Craft de la Sceau

26:47on ITV's This Morning recently.

26:49Come on in, Alexia.

26:53Look how graceful she is.

26:54There's grace and elegance to that that is just remarkable, Alexia.

26:58It's absolutely incredible.

27:00Good morning.

27:01Good morning.

27:02Get off the sofa, Alexia.

27:04Alexia has 181,000 followers.

27:09Mostly dogs.

27:11So, the final scores are Ian and Ross have four,

27:14Paul and Helen have eight.

27:16Eight.

27:17Well done.

27:18This is so impressive.

27:19Come on, Alexia.

27:20Absolutely are.

27:21But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

27:24Paul and Helen get this.

27:26England football team deny cocaine abuse.

27:30Ian and Ross have this.

27:33Do you think we've overdone the osempic?

27:37I think somebody's saying,

27:38sorry lads, you're going to have to play the piano

27:40because you clearly haven't got organs.

27:43Oh!

27:44Yes.

27:45Excellent.

27:46APPLAUSE

27:47On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

27:51and Ross Noble, Paul Merton and Helen Lewis.

27:53And I leave you with news that in Litchfield,

27:56King Charles pays a visit to Michael Fabricant

27:59as he recovers from getting his fingers stuck in a plug socket.

28:03LAUGHTER

28:05Two property developers decide on the best location

28:07for the new Super MacDonalds.

28:12And in Westminster, there's an embarrassing moment for one employee

28:15as he shows up dressed as Frankenstein two weeks early

28:17for the office Halloween party.

28:20LAUGHTER

28:22From Sally Wainwright, creator of Happy Valley,

28:38comes riot women in a punk band.

28:41Fiery new drama on iPlayer.

28:43Coffee and compassion, next on BBC One.

28:47Ever probing, problem solving, Alan Partridge.

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