Taskmaster Season 20 Episode 1

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Transcript

00:00Oh

00:02No

00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house

00:30Oh

00:34Thank you welcome to taskmaster a set of challenges presided over by a temperamental dictator

00:40It's a sort of upbeat North Korea, and I'm Kim Yong fun

00:48Let's meet our citizens for the first time they are

01:00Yes, man

01:08A man who I once thought I saw riding on the back of a baby elephant with a tiny trunk to discover

01:14He simply had no drives us all

01:17Oh

01:19It's

01:21Little Alex Hall

01:27Hello everyone, it's lovely to be here. It's lovely to see you, Greg. I actually think you're great. Thanks. Thanks, man

01:31But I do think I could help

01:33Oh

01:34With a couple of enhancements on the count of three. Would you mind smiling?

01:38Oh one two three

01:40Oh

01:42Thank you. I can do a couple of these

01:46How about doing a nice big blink to camera?

01:48A blink?

01:49A blink

01:50One, two, three

01:53Snare

01:54Snare drum

01:55Open your mouth

01:56One, two, three

02:00Yeah?

02:01Yeah, by your standards, not bad

02:03Okay, here we go. What's the first prize task of this series, little Alex Hall?

02:09Well, my guy, today you asked them quite specifically to bring in a very soft thing which would be most beneficial for Greg Davis

02:18Okay, so the very soft thing Greg thinks he'd find most beneficial will get the full five points

02:23Then the winner of the episode will take home all five very soft things even though they're intended to benefit Greg

02:28But Greg won't mind as it's bound to be a great big bunch of crap. Thanks very much

02:34Over and out

02:35Okay, Anya, welcome

02:37Thank you

02:38What soft thing did you bring me?

02:40I brought you a bum cushion

02:42Okay

02:47It doesn't look unlike my bum

02:51So I made it extra soft because I added some cat hair on it

02:55From my cats, Chicken and Rickon

02:57Chicken and Rickon

02:59Now, the problem for you and your bald cats is I am profoundly allergic to cats

03:04Oh no!

03:06What I will say is this, at least you've made an effort

03:08The people I get angry with are the people who haven't made an effort

03:11Yeah, when we got them spayed, I said, can I keep the hair?

03:15Because they had to shave some of them to put like an injection in

03:18Oh, that's lovely, so this hair is just before they had their wounds removed

03:22It's from the really special zones

03:26Which you might not be allergic to that

03:29Well, I've never

03:33I've never put that to the test

03:34But never say never

03:36Yeah

03:38Maisie

03:39Er...

03:40I'm sorry

03:41Small talk

03:43How are you?

03:44Very well, thanks, Greg

03:45How are you?

03:46What have you brought in?

03:47I've brought in a manly bonnet for you

03:54I'm concerned about banging your head on things

03:56What with your...

03:57Extraordinary height

03:58Extraordinary height, yeah

03:59Here it is, Maisie's bonnet

04:01So you've got...

04:04I didn't want you to feel emasculated by wearing a bonnet

04:06So I've stuck loads of manly things on it

04:09Oh, that's nice

04:10Yeah

04:11Barbecue on the top

04:12Love it

04:13A bit of weight

04:14Toolbox

04:15Couple bottles of beers for the lads

04:18My dad's quite tall and he always hits the top of his head

04:21Yeah

04:22And it scabs over

04:23And what better to protect it than a miniature barbecue?

04:29I really like it

04:30Wow

04:31You're welcome

04:32I've got nothing negative to say and I'm not allergic to any of those things

04:35Phil

04:36What is the softest thing in the universe?

04:39And we all know that is the hands and voices of the elderly

04:44So...

04:46So I thought if I just like pop these on

04:48These elderly people's hands look

04:51Yeah

04:52They fit like a glove, I mean that's perfect innit?

04:53Yeah

04:55So I thought...

04:57It's like...

04:58If you just enjoy the...

04:59If we play the cassette

05:00Yeah, you ready?

05:01Of a softly spoken elderly lady

05:02Here is the elderly lady talking now

05:04Hello, Greg

05:06You're such a wonderful person

05:09We're all so proud of you

05:11Such a big, strong, beefy boy

05:16Good, isn't it?

05:17Is that an old lady?

05:18It is an old lady

05:19Well, it's the oldest one I could find

05:23Erm, I found it quite distressing

05:26I think if you'd brought an old lady on maybe it would have been more beneficial

05:30I know, it's weird though

05:32No one would come with me

05:33Yeah

05:35Rix, what did you bring us?

05:36Erm, my first question is

05:37Are you allergic to feathers?

05:39I am

05:42Right, well, moving on

05:44Let's imagine I'm not

05:45I have created for you

05:48A fortune-telling raven

05:51What did I say?

05:52That's what I was hoping for

05:53Yeah

05:54Here is the fortune-telling raven

05:59There it is

06:01Every morning we'll give you a prediction for the events of that day

06:05Raven

06:07Tell me my fortune

06:12No, Isla, pick one up for you

06:14What's it?

06:16You will leave the iron on

06:21Greg, you've got to leave and get home

06:24Yeah, like I iron

06:28Christ, none of these are rubbish

06:30You must be feeling the heat, aren't you, Sanjay?

06:32Totally

06:33Yeah

06:34I've gone, erm, incredibly practical

06:36Here it is

06:37Nice big blanket

06:38You see?

06:40And there it is

06:42There he is

06:43Made from

06:44The contestant who grabbed something on his way to the show

06:49It's electric

06:51Oh

06:52So it warms up

06:53Wait a moment

06:54It's made from the finest cat, er, sheep hair

06:58Or wool

06:59As I believe some people call it

07:01No, because I thought, you know, because you are tall

07:03You feel the cold quicker than anyone else

07:06I do

07:07OK

07:08You've seen five quite soft things

07:10Yeah, other people have made stuff

07:11So I have to punish you because you didn't make it

07:13Sorry, you didn't ask me whether I made it or not

07:15Yeah, I know

07:16You made a huge assumption that I made it up on the way here

07:22I've been knitting and bolting that thing together

07:25For months

07:27Alright, well, does that change things?

07:28No!

07:29The thing I want second least is to have latex gloves rubbed over my face

07:37Two points to fill

07:38Next I want to sit on a donut of cat hair

07:42Well done, yeah

07:43Three points

07:44And then we're up to the big two

07:45I want the raven most

07:47Maisie, four points

07:48Reece, five points

07:49There we go

07:50I want that raven

07:51I want that raven

07:52I want that raven

07:54We're off to a trying start

07:55Let's get going

07:56What's the first task proper?

07:57You're going to love this one, Greg

07:58Because it involves your two favourite things

08:01One, basic technology

08:02Two

08:03Two, me standing next to a table looking all mysterious and macho

08:06Hello

08:23Oh no, he started the clock

08:26What do I do?

08:28Hiya

08:29What?

08:30What?

08:31What?

08:32Why are you timing it?

08:33What?

08:34Hello, hello

08:39Hi

08:40Hello

08:42Oh, God

08:44Speak

08:46Hello

08:47What?

08:48You all right?

08:49What's the task?

08:50Well, I can't see any kind of task written down here

08:54So I'm just going to hit you with this

08:58Is a task anywhere? Do I have to find the task?

09:00No

09:01Are we against the clock?

09:02Yes

09:04What do you want me to do?

09:05Is there anything different about me, Rhys?

09:07Well, you've got that on

09:08Yeah

09:09Do you know what it is?

09:10Yes, it's one of those things where you pay at restaurants

09:13I don't know what you call those things

09:18Yes, it's a QR code

09:19QR code, that's it, yeah

09:21Do I have to have a phone to scan it?

09:22Mm-hmm

09:23Unless you can do them with your eyes

09:24I can't do them with my eyes yet

09:27Do I need my phone?

09:28Yes

09:30Can I not use this to scan your QR code?

09:32Have you not got one of these?

09:33No

09:34Back in my room?

09:35Go and get it then

09:36Oh, Alex

09:37I have a phone in another room

09:39Ah

09:40Should I get it?

09:41You might need it

09:42OK

09:44Look for it in this room

09:45Your telephone

09:46My telephone

09:47Your telephone

09:48Why do you keep saying toilet telephone, my telephone

09:50Do you have a telephone?

09:51No, not on me

09:53Right

09:54Do you want me to go and get one?

09:55Where is it?

09:57My telephone?

09:58Your telephone?

09:59My telephone?

10:01What do you mean?

10:03I have one around me

10:04I mean, I've got my mobile phone

10:05Oh

10:06Private to me

10:07You want me to bring it into this room?

10:08Well, you need to scan that somehow

10:09Well, other than I have to go and get it, don't I?

10:11I suppose so

10:12Sorry to argue

10:16Share your phone

10:18What?

10:21Clever boy

10:22Right

10:24Thank you

10:30It's fascinating

10:31Because there's such a range of ages

10:33Amongst the five of you

10:34But my initial impression is

10:36That was like watching footage

10:38Of the distressed residents in a care house

10:44The age range is extraordinary in this series

10:45For the first time it's 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s

10:47And up we go

10:48It is

10:51I think

10:52If the staff were looking after these pensioners

10:55Reece would be the one that they dread looking after

10:58The most

11:00You can almost hear the staff going

11:01Will you go and deal with me?

11:03He's really on one today

11:06But when do we get our medication?

11:08You know there's going to be a dispatches about this and you will all be revealed

11:13Your cruelty will be revealed

11:16I was left on the stairs last night

11:18LAUGHTER

11:23Let's crack on

11:25OK

11:26It's QR versus AR

11:27Anya and Rhys

11:29Why don't you just...

11:30Oh, buff

11:31LAUGHTER

11:32Come here

11:35No

11:36Come here, I need to scan your chest

11:50I don't feel good about this

11:51I don't feel good about this

11:55Right, I'm there

11:56No, no

11:57I've got my passcode

11:58Keep still

11:59I don't want to keep still

12:00Keep still

12:01I need to go that way

12:02You can't

12:03I still have a dice game open on my phone

12:05Bye

12:09K

12:12Keep still

12:18I don't want to keep still

12:22I've got to

12:24I don't want to

12:25Oh, he's back

12:26Come here

12:28I don't want to

12:29Keep still

12:32I don't want to

12:33Oh

12:50Hong the horn faster spins your time started when you said your first word

12:53I

12:59Stopped the door that was so fun. I feel so alive. Oh, can we go again? I can't

13:14You look like you are genuinely enjoying running around

13:17You don't get to chase someone very often in your in your life, and you were really enjoying being chased

13:22Of course I was yeah, it's the build-up

13:27It's actually quite slippy so I couldn't go at top speed

13:31And if I have my time again, I would go at top speed. I'm sorry you never got to go at top speed

13:37Did you enjoy that race?

13:39No, no, I found it frustrating because he wouldn't stop man. I guess that's the point. That's the point

13:45All right

13:47Rees you're twice as old as Anya and twice as slow it turns out

13:50Two minutes 29 Reese five minutes and five seconds

13:55She wasn't even at top speed

13:58Okay, that's the first part through but as my doctor said in a recent health screening after a break

14:04I'm gonna need to get a glove and really get amongst it

14:16The second part of the series the current task is to get the horn scan the horn then honks the horn

14:24Now let's see how the final three got on

14:26It's Maisie and Phil who both understand the concept of fastest wins plus Sanjeev Bhaskar

14:41Yeah, you are you little bugger

14:43Come here, let me smack you

14:45Oh, he's got a big one on the back

14:47This is brilliant

14:56I don't know how to get it me likes music doesn't they

15:26Good at the wrong bloody setting

15:28Do you want to get the wrong setting? I'm finding my mother

15:33I'm still on the wrong bloody setting

15:40Come on

15:42Don't be scared

15:44You like instruments, don't you?

15:46Come here

15:50Alex

15:53Fucking hell

15:55I think he's on a loop

15:56I think he's on a loop

15:57He needs to block his path

16:05There's one or two things I can hit you with

16:07Right

16:08Where's your telephone?

16:09It's in my pocket

16:10Right, how are we going to...

16:11What?

16:16Ow, bastard!

16:17I just...

16:18Thank you

16:20Now

16:21Say hello to the ostrich

16:23I don't want to

16:24I don't want to

16:30I think I've just beheaded a gargoyle

16:31I'm really sorry

16:32I've got him

16:34I've got him!

16:35Oh shit, I'm on airplane mode

16:38Do you know how to use QR codes?

16:39It's just giving me a little yellow light on it which is not the thing

16:40No it is a thing

16:41Oh is it?

16:42Yeah

16:43Stay!

16:44I don't want to

16:45Stay!

16:46I don't want to

16:47Stay!

16:48I'm really strong, Alex

16:49Honk the horn

16:50Honk the horn!

16:51Oh you fast!

16:52I've honked the horn!

16:53Honk the horn!

16:54Honk the horn!

16:55Honk the horn!

16:56I've honked the horn!

16:57Honk the horn!

16:58Yeah, I've done that at the bloody beginning

17:01Yeah, I've stopped the clock

17:02Yeah, I've stopped the clock

17:03So what I worked down for you during that is

17:15Good to see someone who knows he can't win this having fun

17:17I'll do it

17:18I'll do it

17:19I'll do it

17:20I'll do it

17:21I'll do it

17:22I'll do it

17:23I'll do it

17:24I'll do it

17:25I'll do it

17:26I'll do it

17:27I'll do it

17:28I'll do it

17:29I'll do it

17:30having fun yeah yeah I mean it's so early on isn't it and yet it's so obvious

17:37telling the time your life what you come here you little bugger I'm gonna spank

17:41you okay you said that wasn't me saying that to you

17:50and he wasn't destructive there wasn't 40 pounds worth of damage

17:56that gargoyle yes that gargoyle all right okay sorry what I will say is I'd

18:06forgotten I'd won such big pants there's nothing wrong with a big

18:11pant my leggings they didn't come in my length so they only reached round my

18:17bum hey you saying your trousers were riding down I didn't notice did you know

18:21yeah I mean I still enjoyed watching you running around breathlessly with you

18:28I was not breathless thank you so I was firing top speed but with saggy pants so

18:34Sanjeev I was going at top speed

18:40holding back how do you genuinely in real life had a phone for long a phone yeah

18:47a telephone yes I think you know in that moment I didn't know whether you

18:54wanted me to go to know how to use your own phone yeah I have people who do that

19:00for me the nurses

19:09tell me some time tell me some time I can't imagine any of them are good Phil did find a

19:14horn and lure me out with another horn at 1 minute 37 that was his first honk of

19:20another horn we didn't say which horn you had to honk so Phil 1.37 suddenly he's

19:24overtaken Anya who's lagging at 2 minutes 29 so slow Reece 5 minutes 5

19:29Maisie quicker 4 minutes 22 more than twice as long as everyone else Sanjeev 10 minutes 16

19:35however there's also one extra video to watch

19:43oh yeah what what what why are you timing it what

19:50what's amazing is we literally didn't need to show any of that footage of your trousers falling

19:56and what's amazing is we literally didn't need to show any of that footage of your trousers falling

20:10it is one point Sanjeev two to read three to Anya four to Phil and five to Maisie Adam

20:15of course at one end consistency himself Sanjeev's got two points at the other Maisie's got nine points

20:27well it's time to task with a target we found a big space we got some big balls we're gonna have some

20:38big fun

20:57you know I'm doing max Shrek as Nosferatu like a penguin 1921 classic looks like a penguin

21:08you're quite far away so you roll an object onto the target you must release your object from

21:22behind this line you may not move the line or target and you may not affect your object after

21:29release you must use the first type of object you touch and can have three attempts with that type of

21:35object and must not go within Greg's height of the target

21:39what closest to the center of the target wins you have 15 minutes your time starts now what would

21:53how do I know how tall Greg is lying down or standing up oh

21:58ah

22:07I'm gonna say it's a game of curling well we invented it but yeah yeah yeah yeah right well

22:11let's crack on okay well it's a tricky task but there's 15 minutes so plenty of time to plan et cetera

22:17or I guess you could just get it done and go home it's Maisie and yes it's Sanjee

22:21so the first type of object you touch

22:31we're quite heavy

22:35I think that means you're touching it Sanjee well no I didn't touch that

22:39I think you touched the tire

22:40fine

22:42oh

22:45very ice

22:54I ice we're gonna go ice

22:56good for length uh yeah the line was a bit off

23:12I have a camera yes brilliant oh

23:24oh

23:30absolutely delighted Alex

23:41absolutely delighted Alex

23:46slow slow

23:50that's in another time zone that one

23:52right you've got one more what have you learned from the first two

23:55absolutely nothing great couldn't have come

24:00now then

24:05oh charming

24:07shut out the door

24:08great that's near Windsor

24:09stop stop stop stop

24:21are you gonna like doc like you know take a picture just because they're gonna melt in a minute

24:26yeah we're filming a lot of this

24:27I mean basically that that final shot there was no sign that you'd ever been part of this

24:43it's like a metaphor for the futility of life

24:47the thing is that I get the rules which you know the first thing you touch but I was just moving it up a bit I wasn't kind of like choosing it

24:54or

24:55or as some would say

24:56touching

24:57some may interpret it that way

25:00amazing I think this is the most sense we've seen you make

25:02um I had a method I was like let's see what what weighs more cause weight

25:07yeah

25:08weight is to do with distance and something

25:10yeah of course weight

25:11it's science

25:12famously weights to do with distance

25:13yeah

25:14right we're at the halfway point now and as my doctor said in a recent checkup let's just stop for a little breather

25:21I wasn't expecting it to be such a mess down there

25:23hello thank you and welcome back

25:35it's the start of part three and our new competitors are trying to stop their objects as close as possible to the middle of the target

25:43three people left to go are they actually good at sport despite their appearances it's Anya, Rhys and Phil

25:49oh

25:51I'm going to try to make it easy by going dead centre big ball first

25:56I'm going to use these little balls to make a thoroughfare

26:00ooh

26:02first time I felt like I've got a good idea

26:08right you have to use that now

26:10what

26:11you touch that first and that's going to be the object you throw

26:14you're going exercise ball

26:21I'm thinking if I set up a buffer zone behind it

26:25nice

26:27it's really stinky

26:30we didn't know they were there

26:31okay

26:32do me a favour and put your foot on there for me please Alex

26:47thank you

26:49it's time for a few more bins

26:55ha ha ha this is exciting

27:09okay ready

27:10okay it's all about what I pick now

27:13I'm going to do this one

27:14yes you are

27:15it's no good

27:21that was er

27:27disappointing

27:29let's go

27:31la

27:34la

27:35la

27:38la

27:40la

27:41la

28:01MUSIC PLAYS

28:08What the fuck?

28:10LAUGHTER

28:12Good luck. Thank you.

28:14MUSIC PLAYS

28:21Is it going to bounce back? It's not, is it?

28:23Do you know what happened? The sellotape stops it.

28:2625 seconds, this is your last go.

28:29MUSIC CONTINUES

28:51Yes, yes, yes, yes.

28:54Oh, my God.

28:56MUSIC CONTINUES

28:59Oh, it's on the target.

29:02Who would have thought it would be that simple?

29:05APPLAUSE

29:07Nice.

29:09APPLAUSE

29:11Bruce, what was that device you created?

29:16What was it meant to do?

29:17No, initially, I thought I could slow the ball down with the sellotape.

29:21Like, when you see it in America, where they pull spikes across

29:24and the cars get their things punctured.

29:27LAUGHTER

29:28It all fell down when I accidentally touched the wrong thing first.

29:31He's quite calm and softly spoken in the studio, isn't he?

29:35Mm.

29:36But when he got across with his catapult, you went,

29:38more northern than you've been for the whole show.

29:41And that was me doing that!

29:42LAUGHTER

29:43A real latent rage.

29:48I thought Phil's worked amazingly well.

29:50And I think Anya's would have worked as well,

29:52if she was capable of rolling a ball in the correct direction.

29:56The correct direction.

29:58I mean, incredibly, she is worse than Sanjeev, no offence.

30:01LAUGHTER

30:03I feel like you're ganging up on me.

30:05Yeah.

30:06Yeah, you are.

30:07LAUGHTER

30:08Well, I can show you where all their objects ended up.

30:12In fifth place, Anya's was the furthest away, 22 badges.

30:15Fourth, Sanjeev, ten badges.

30:17We're doing them badges.

30:18Rhys, seven badges.

30:19Phil, two and a half badges, but the winner with five points,

30:21one and a half badges, Maisie Adam!

30:24APPLAUSE

30:28Let's have another touch, please.

30:30Right you are.

30:31And just like our infamous camping trip together,

30:33this one involves being disgusting in a caravan.

30:36LAUGHTER

30:54Hello?

30:55Hello.

30:56Hi.

30:57Oh, hi, Rhys.

31:00Hi, Alex.

31:01Welcome to the caravan.

31:02Thank you for having me in the caravan.

31:04The caravan.

31:05The cowavan?

31:06Oh, yeah, it's caravan.

31:07You've been having a lovely time.

31:08You have, hmm?

31:09Oh, good.

31:10You?

31:11Er...

31:12It's all right.

31:13Yeah.

31:14I don't know.

31:15I mean, you know, what do you compare it with?

31:16You compare it with kind of the worst times in your life

31:18and you go, I'm having a great time.

31:19Yeah.

31:20And then you compare it with some of the best times in your life

31:22and you go, this is shit.

31:23Yeah.

31:24So, it's...

31:25Yeah, it's OK.

31:26Yeah.

31:27Do you mind me saying you suit the caravan?

31:29I actually do know what you mean.

31:33I was going to be insulted, but then I was like, he's completely right.

31:38Do something behind this curtain that sounds disgusting,

31:44but is actually really nice.

31:47Highest D by N wins,

31:51where D is your disgustingness score out of ten

31:54and N is your niceness score out of ten.

31:59So, the swing-o-meter of how horrible it sounds

32:03compared to the reality of how nice it is,

32:05there are more points involved in such a situation.

32:07Is that great?

32:08That's very well put.

32:10You have 15 minutes.

32:12Your time starts now.

32:13OK.

32:14So, it's behind this.

32:15Yeah.

32:16If you don't mind.

32:18All right, little privacy.

32:20I'll be waiting.

32:22You're not coming with me to look at it?

32:24Do you want me to?

32:25No.

32:26You really do suit that caravan?

32:33Well, I don't...

32:36This is the thing.

32:37Do you like camping or not?

32:39No.

32:40You don't?

32:41No.

32:42Why are you getting so angry about this?

32:44Because the way Alex said it was quite like,

32:46I'm going to try and get in your head

32:48and live in there as a worm.

32:51Yeah.

32:52Just eating away at your brain.

32:54Yeah, it really felt.

32:55So, in the end, you can't even roll a ball in a straight line.

33:00Ready to start?

33:01God, yes.

33:02Yuck!

33:03Urgh!

33:04And vomit.

33:05It's Anya, Maisie and Phil.

33:07OK.

33:08I'm starting my attempt.

33:09Are you having a nice time?

33:19Yep.

33:20I'm going to reveal you.

33:22It's really tasty.

33:36I'm going to cover you up again.

33:37Are you sure you don't want to suck a bit off?

33:39OK.

33:41I was just looking through in the kitchen there.

33:45Yeah.

33:46Looking for all sorts of various things that I might be able to use.

33:49And then...

33:50Urgh!

33:51Urgh!

33:52Urgh!

33:53Urgh!

33:54Please stop!

33:55Whatever!

33:56Please!

33:57Oh, no!

33:58Urgh!

33:59Oh, right.

34:00Yeah, OK.

34:01Urgh!

34:02Yeah.

34:04I'm going to open the curtain.

34:07Urgh!

34:08Don't come in.

34:10Save yourself.

34:11Just making you a nice fruit smoothie, Alex.

34:15You're doing it quite violently.

34:19Yeah.

34:20I would like a little bit of a drink to see if it's nice.

34:23Oh, I'm so sorry.

34:25Well, thank you.

34:30Ooh!

34:31Nice.

34:32Mmm.

34:33Very nice.

34:34There you go.

34:35OK.

34:36Are you all right to keep doing it for a bit?

34:43Yeah, with my calf muscles left.

34:46Your calf muscles?

34:49I need to know what it is you're doing.

34:51I'm going to have a look.

34:53Here I come.

34:54What are you doing?

34:55What does it look like I'm doing?

34:56I'm rubbing my feet in gravy in a mixture of chocolate sauce and crumbled up non-product specific biscuits.

35:12I'm having a bloody great time.

35:14Nice.

35:15Bloody lovely.

35:16Right.

35:17Right.

35:18Caravan girl.

35:19When the curtain went back, I mean, you were eating yoghurt with your fingers.

35:32You were eating...

35:33No, it wasn't yoghurt.

35:34Oh, was it?

35:35It was whipped cream and sugar.

35:36But it was really tasty and I ate it for quite a long time.

35:40This is where it's tricky, you see, because if it was nice for you, I'll have to take your word for it.

35:45It wasn't nice watching you eat that with your fingers.

35:47Alex told me that you would be really jealous of it.

35:50Oh.

35:51Oh, did he?

35:52Phil's is tricky, because what I'm learning about Phil is he's so upbeat about everything, he's sort of said anything as being nice, really.

36:00I think he genuinely was having a wonderful time.

36:02I was...

36:03Yeah, I mean, I would have been doing that if I wasn't on the show anyway, but...

36:08Was it warm gravy?

36:10No, that's where we fell a bit short.

36:12It was...

36:13I could feel the granules between my toes.

36:15Oh.

36:16Your noise, Macy, where it got sinister and I wrote it down, was when you shouted,

36:20Please stop.

36:22LAUGHTER

36:23I think I'm now realising that the two things had to be the same.

36:27I just pretended to be attacked and then made a cocktail.

36:30And then made a cocktail.

36:31Very much said about activities.

36:33LAUGHTER

36:34OK, let's stop once again.

36:37As my doctor said to me at a recent check-up, just one final push left.

36:41Relax, loosen up a bit.

36:43Hey, stop squirming.

36:44Nurse!

36:45Nurse!

36:46Help me!

36:47He keeps biting!

36:48LAUGHTER

36:49APPLAUSE

36:55Oh!

36:57Welcome back to the final part of the show,

36:59where the cast are tricking us into thinking they're being disgusting.

37:03The final attempts come from two neighbours over there.

37:06It's Sanjeev from number 42 and Rhys from number 9.

37:11You OK in there, Rhys?

37:12Yes.

37:13Hello, Sanjeev.

37:23Oh, oh, oh, oh.

37:29BRRRR!

37:30BRRRH!

37:31BRRRR!

37:32Right, Sanjeev?

37:33Yep.

37:34I'm going to have a look at you.

37:35OK. I want to check you're OK. OK.

37:40I'm going to come and have a look. OK.

37:42Be prepared, it's not disgusting.

37:56Got a little baby in there? Yes.

37:58Multi-coloured sausage mobile.

38:00With disco ball. Uh-huh.

38:02Kids love that. So you're babysitting?

38:04I am babysitting, yeah.

38:07What I'm doing is sending the duck to a happy sleep.

38:11And he's dreaming the word thank you.

38:14He liked it, didn't he?

38:16I think so.

38:18But if you want to close that now so that I can get him to full sleep, deep sleep.

38:22Sorry to disturb you. That's all right.

38:29I'd like to see the baby.

38:30Do you want to...? OK.

38:34LAUGHTER

38:39Oh, yeah. Beautiful baby. Thank you.

38:41APPLAUSE

38:47Bruce, I'm no expert in how one soothes the duck.

38:51I hissed upon the idea that the duck would enjoy the sound of something that was similar to a duck quacking.

39:00But it... Oh.

39:01So that was what I was trying to do.

39:02I thought it sounded a bit like a duck whistle, which famously draw the ducks out from the shot.

39:06Yes. Yeah.

39:08Well, it was a bit of both, I think.

39:10Sounding bad and then it being revealed to be quite a charming thing.

39:13Now, do you think that the sort of nice element of Sanjeev's attempt was somewhat compromised by it being revealed that the baby was in fact a beheaded old woman?

39:23LAUGHTER

39:26All babies are beautiful.

39:28Yes.

39:29Yes.

39:30They are.

39:31Even those who are old without a body.

39:32Well, they have old faces and no body, but they change. They grow. They grow a body.

39:40LAUGHTER

39:41You don't have children.

39:42You don't have children.

39:43I don't have children.

39:44I did see my nieces when they were babies and they definitely didn't just look like a head.

39:50It's a really tough one to score, this.

39:52Well, there's a bit of math, so I guess you can tell me how disgusting you found them all and then how nice you found them all.

39:57Yeah, OK.

39:58So, Ania, what's her disgustingness score out of ten, Greg?

40:01Er, well, it sounded absolutely disgusting. Nine.

40:03Nine?

40:04Yes.

40:05Terrific. And the niceness?

40:06She says she's having a nice time, so I must take her word for it, but I didn't enjoy watching it, so seven.

40:11Cool. Nine times seven.

40:13LAUGHTER

40:16So, Ania, 63.

40:18Maisie.

40:19OK.

40:20The cocktail looked absolutely delicious.

40:22Oh, it was, yeah. It was lovely.

40:23Yeah. Looked like you're having a lovely time.

40:24So that...

40:26..a delicious nine.

40:28Yeah, but...

40:29No way does that cocktail involve those noises.

40:32A person being horribly attacked.

40:34Two.

40:35Two!

40:36Two times nine.

40:37Two.

40:38Right, so we've got the high and low.

40:3963, 18.

40:40Phil.

40:41You get complicated. Phil.

40:42Let's go all the way up the line, this'll do it.

40:43Wow, the noises were awful.

40:45Horrible, disgusting. Nine.

40:46Nine, another nine.

40:47And then, when it was revealed, he was having the time of his life.

40:49Yep.

40:50And he's northern, so why not pump your feet in gravy?

40:54I'm not from the north, but I presume it's great.

40:56They squat, and they, er...

40:57They squat?

40:58Yeah.

40:59LAUGHTER

41:04What do people from the north do?

41:06They squat, and they lick.

41:07LAUGHTER

41:09So it's nine times...

41:13Eight.

41:14Eight.

41:15Which is...

41:16LAUGHTER

41:18But I do know my eight times table.

41:21LAUGHTER

41:22Nine times eight is 72.

41:23Yeah.

41:24Yeah, so me too.

41:25But you're doing that little smug thing like I don't know my times table.

41:27I'll fuck you up, mate.

41:29LAUGHTER

41:30How about that?

41:31Do you understand those muffs?

41:33LAUGHTER

41:34Fucking prick.

41:35LAUGHTER

41:38Who's next?

41:39It's Reece next.

41:40I could tell he was blowing a trumpet.

41:42It didn't sound that disgusting.

41:44Seven.

41:45Seven for...

41:46The reveal...

41:47I don't know ducks, but there was a bubble coming out of his head.

41:49Hey, we know eight times seven, don't we?

41:50We all know eight times seven.

41:51We all know eight times seven!

41:52LAUGHTER

41:53LAUGHTER

41:57Don't we?

41:58Yeah.

41:59What is it?

42:00It's loads.

42:01LAUGHTER

42:02Phil, what's eight times seven?

42:04Well, I mean, but what is a number, you know, like...

42:07LAUGHTER

42:08Good?

42:09LAUGHTER

42:10OK, so we've got Sanjeev.

42:12Yeah.

42:13Well, it sounded absolutely disgusting.

42:15Great.

42:16Like a nine.

42:17Nine, disgusting.

42:18Niceness.

42:19Erm, I don't know why I'm charmed by it.

42:20Nine.

42:21Whoa! 81!

42:22One for Sanjeev!

42:23There we go.

42:24APPLAUSE

42:25OK.

42:26Uh, Major, you've got 18, your score, so that's one point.

42:32In fourth place, it's Rhys, with 56 as your score, so that's two points.

42:37Anya, you're in third place, you've scored 63, three points.

42:41Phil, 72, four points for Sanjeev.

42:43Gets a full five points with 81!

42:45Well done, Sanjeev.

42:46APPLAUSE

42:47All right, everybody.

42:49Will you make your way to the stage for this series first?

42:52Final task of the show!

42:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

42:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

43:05Hello, young fellow, my lad.

43:06Hi, Greg.

43:07Who will be reading the task out?

43:09Uh, Sanjeev will, please.

43:11Ah.

43:12End up on your spot.

43:15You must obey the taskmaster's instructions.

43:18Closest person to their spot at the end of the task wins.

43:22So, it's quite a simple task.

43:23They're all standing on spots.

43:25At the end of the task, you need to be as close to your spot as possible.

43:28I have the health and safety whistle.

43:30If there's danger, I'll blow it. Please stop.

43:33LAUGHTER

43:34First instruction, please.

43:36Completely cover your eyes.

43:41Using one of these.

43:42LAUGHTER

43:44Pop these on.

43:45Nice and tight, please, guys.

43:47Nice and tight.

43:50Are they complete...?

43:52LAUGHTER

43:53How did you worry about one of Sanjeev's eyes fell off?

43:56LAUGHTER

43:57OK.

43:58March on the spot until the end of the task.

44:02So, that means whatever happens, you must keep marching.

44:05LAUGHTER

44:06Spin 360 degrees.

44:10Oh.

44:11LAUGHTER

44:14Continue to march on the spot, but with higher knees.

44:18LAUGHTER

44:25Just, er...

44:26Just, er, just be careful.

44:27Just be careful.

44:28Just be careful.

44:29LAUGHTER

44:31Take two big steps...

44:34Backwards.

44:39That's plenty, Sanjeev.

44:40That's plenty, Sanjeev.

44:41That's plenty, Sanjeev.

44:42I love it.

44:43Love it.

44:44Next instruction, please.

44:45Take two nice big steps...

44:48to the left.

44:49LAUGHTER

44:53Oh, Macy!

44:54You're fine.

44:55You're fine.

44:56You're fine.

44:57You're fine.

44:58You're fine.

44:59You're fine.

45:02Take two nice big steps...

45:05forward.

45:10Forward, forward.

45:11Forward.

45:12That's fine.

45:13You're fine.

45:14You're fine.

45:15Come on!

45:17Take two nice, wide steps...

45:20to the right.

45:21LAUGHTER

45:24Go back.

45:25Go back.

45:26Go back.

45:27Go back.

45:28That's it.

45:29Where's the edge?

45:30Nothing, don't worry.

45:31Don't worry.

45:32Keep marching.

45:33Jump quite high.

45:34Twice.

45:35LAUGHTER

45:40March on the spot, flamboyantly.

45:42LAUGHTER

45:44Stop!

45:49Stop!

45:50Please freeze in those positions.

45:55Was it all a dream?

45:57I don't end up facing that way.

46:00We'll score those and we're allowed to get to your final scores.

46:03Come down here and join me!

46:12Well, well, well.

46:13Genuinely dangerous.

46:15Yes.

46:16They should have been wearing protective clothing.

46:17They should.

46:18Or we should have put a mat down.

46:20Or we should have thought it through more.

46:21Still.

46:22Yeah.

46:23The thing was, they were meant to stay on their spots.

46:25They didn't really do that.

46:26Reece, you were the furthest.

46:27You get one point at the end of that.

46:29Phil, two points.

46:30Sanjeev, you came third, three points.

46:31Second place.

46:32Maisie, four points.

46:33And you were the closest at the end.

46:34And you were the closest at the end.

46:35You get the full five points.

46:36Well done.

46:40And so it's a tighter first episode than some of us were expecting at the beginning.

46:44At the bottom it's Sanjeev with 12 points, but our first winner with 19 points, it's Maisie Adam!

46:49Maisie Adam wins!

46:53Please go and celebrate with some soft things I would benefit from having, but I'm not getting!

46:59The end!

47:00There's an influential call facing back now!

47:05I'd rather have theprii away from what represents cho

47:18you.

47:19And with a bad state who's not making perfect for it.

47:20So let me know about you.

47:22zu woctaue.

47:23Don't do that.

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