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00:00Hello and welcome to Badminton, where a large crowd is enjoying itself with the full expectation of seeing a gang of horses, snobs, fooling, slapping the mire, getting filthy and making fools of themselves in public.
00:15All the way over to the Trout Hatchery, Lucinda Prior Palmer approaching, so fingers crossed.
00:20I can assure those of you at home that a good half gallon of dirty water has just shot straight up that upper-class hyphenated nose.
00:32I speak for everyone when I say, serves your right, Miss Hoity Toity, and Roberta Blabble James.
00:39And she's coming up Trout Hatchery again, and this is terrific.
00:44I really think she may have hurt herself quite badly, too, judging from the way the crowd is laughing.
00:51Somehow we've moved on to watch riders over the more simple fences.
00:55I'm not going to, because it's not really as much fun as watching pompous knobs flopping about in mucky ditches.
01:01Megan Barnes, Markham, will you get a mouthful?
01:05Oh, yes.
01:07Interesting to think, isn't it, to just what previous horses would have deposited in the water.
01:10And another one whoopsy-daisy there, mate.
01:16And another one.
01:18Well, dear, oh, dear, we're having a bit of fun here today.
01:22And just in a minute, I think, it's the moment.
01:25Yes, here we are.
01:26It's the moment that everyone who hates rich people and horses has been waiting for.
01:30It's Princess Anne herself approaching the Trout Hatchery.
01:34And would it be wonderful she prized us all and rode straight into a tree instead?
01:37Yes, she has!
01:41Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
01:43Whoa, ho!
01:46Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:49Do you take it, whoa, whoa, whoa?
01:51Well not two, yeah, he is.
01:53Yeah, he is.
01:55Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoops.
01:58We've done you!
02:00That's a win, ever!
02:02Whoa, whoa, whoa!
02:04Hmm, no, no!
02:06Here we go.
02:08Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
04:32Here's a little bracelet and here we have a nice pair of earrings and of course a moustache.
05:02Come. You want to see me sir? Ah constable Savage. Come in. Shut the door. Yes sir.
05:23Now then Savage. I want to talk to you about some charges that you've been bringing lately.
05:29I think that perhaps you're being a little overzealous.
05:34Which charges you mean sir? Well for instance this one. Loitering with intent to use a pedestrian crossing.
05:44Savage maybe you're not aware of this but it is not illegal to use a pedestrian crossing.
05:48Neither is smelling of foreign food. An offence. You sure sir?
05:56Also there is no law against urinating in a public convenience.
06:03Or coughing without due care and attention.
06:07If you say so sir. Yes I do say so Savage.
06:10Did they teach you anything at training school? Oh sorry sir.
06:14Some of these... Some of these cases are just plain stupid.
06:21Looking at me in a funny way.
06:27Is there some kind of joke Savage? No sir.
06:30And we have some more here. Walking on the cracks in the paper.
06:35Walking in a loud shirt in a built up area during the hours of darkness.
06:45And walking around with an offensive wife.
06:50In short Savage, in the space of one month you have brought 117 ridiculous trumped up and ludicrous charges.
07:00Yes sir. Against the same man, sir?
07:05Yes sir.
07:07A Mr. Winston Kudogo?
07:10Of 55 Mercer Road?
07:13Yes sir.
07:15Sit down Savage.
07:17Yes sir.
07:18Savage, why do you keep arresting this man?
07:23He's a villain sir.
07:25A villain?
07:26And a jailbird sir?
07:28I know he's a jailbird Savage. He's down in the cells now.
07:31We're holding him on a charge of possession of curly black hair and thick lips.
07:41Well...
07:42Well...
07:43Well...
07:44Well there you are sir.
07:45You arrested him Savage.
07:46Thank you sir.
07:47Savage.
07:48Would I be correct in assuming that Mr. Kudogo is a coward?
07:54Well I can't say I've ever noticed sir.
07:59Stand up Savage.
08:01Savage!
08:02You're a bigot.
08:03It's officers like you that give the police a bad name.
08:06The press love to jump on incidents like this.
08:08And the reputation of the force can be permanently tarnished.
08:10Your time on duty is dominated by racial hatred and petty personal vendettas.
08:15Did you get some kind of perverted gratification from going around stirring up trouble?
08:24Yes sir.
08:27There's no room for men like you in my force Savage.
08:30I'm transferring you to the SPG.
08:32Oh thank you sir.
08:34Now get out!
08:35Sorry sir.
08:36Oh it...
08:37Awww!
08:38It's alright sir.
08:39It's er...
08:40It's your edge hook sir.
09:16All right, Pogsy.
09:28Been up to your old tricks again, have you?
09:30Well, you know the form.
09:31You can make one phone call, so I'll be out and make it.
09:33Three, five, two, one, hello?
09:46A man was arrested today on suspicion of stealing the Queen's handbag.
09:56He was later released after she failed to pick him out at an identity parade.
10:00LAUGHTER
10:01And members of the voluntary euthanasia society, Exit,
10:10today went on their annual outing to Morecambe.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:17You can go through now, Mr Wiblet.
10:24I believe that life is happy and death is sad.
10:34I believe my mum was married to my dad.
10:39I believe that things that aren't good tend to be bad.
10:45I believe, yes, I believe.
10:49I'm prepared to believe that Nixon wasn't a crook.
10:55I'm prepared to believe love story's a readable book.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:00I believe that the dirty doesn't want really dirty.
11:05I believe that Lucille Ball's still under 30.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10Yes, I believe Joe Ford is clever.
11:13That Bob Hope will live forever.
11:15And that lever is pronounced never.
11:20And the best film ever made is Saturday Night Fever.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:26And say Colonel Sanders can fry.
11:31And that pigs and even DC tents can fly.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:36I'm prepared to believe that things go better with coke.
11:40And that the Ayatollah tells a darn good knock-knock joke.
11:45LAUGHTER
11:46I believe some folk can hear what Bugs Bunny is saying.
11:50And that Salt Lake City is a real nice place to stay in.
11:56I believe that J.R. really loves Sue Ellen.
12:00I believe that things sound better when you're yelling.
12:05And I believe that the devil is ready to repent.
12:10But I can't believe Ronald Reagan is president.
12:15LAUGHTER
12:16Tonight on I Believe, we'll continue our look at wider Christian histories.
12:22And ask the question, the devil, is he all bad?
12:27LAUGHTER
12:28I feel in a sense that the devil's had a very bad press, you know.
12:31I mean, what is bad?
12:34I mean, here we are in Lambeth, you know.
12:35I think modern Christians should have a bit less of the
12:39get thee behind me, Satan,
12:41and more of the come in me, old mate, and have a cup of tea.
12:44Now, John?
12:46Reverend Mountjoy is an Anglican priest
12:48who sympathises with the plight of diabolists, devil worshippers,
12:52who find it difficult to gain acceptance in a Christian world.
12:57I don't think there is a problem, really.
12:59Well, murdering.
13:01Well, yes, except for the murdering, that can make sense of the stand.
13:05And, you know, if you get an exceptionally difficult...
13:07Goat.
13:08Goat, or...
13:09Or rocks.
13:10Yes.
13:11Well, of course, you see, then it can make a noise.
13:13But, you see, the modern-day diabolists,
13:16I mean, we're not really mumbo-jumbo Dennis Wheatley types, really.
13:20It's all up-to-date.
13:22Exactly.
13:22Coffee mornings.
13:23Yeah, and bring and buy sales.
13:25That's what I mean.
13:26Bring and buy sales?
13:27Yeah, when I say bring and buy sales,
13:29it's more sort of murdering, actually.
13:31Virgins.
13:32Well, yes, you know, rape, coffee.
13:35Yeah, well, I mean...
13:36I mean, what is a virgin?
13:38Um, I mean, I've never met one.
13:41No, no, no, seriously.
13:43Um, yeah, yeah, I think cautiously...
13:45Cautiously, I would approve of...
13:47of sacrificing the odd virgin.
13:49Um...
13:49I mean, fair enough.
13:52But what exactly do devil worshippers believe?
13:55Well, we believe that Satan, the prince of darkness,
14:00is lord of the universe
14:02and will destroy Jesus through infernal power.
14:07Yeah, obviously, this is a difficult one.
14:09Um, I mean, it's a theological grey area.
14:12But, um, I think we should keep a broad outlook.
14:15I mean, after all, uh, intrinsically,
14:17the roots of all religions are the same.
14:19Um, Buddhism, for example,
14:21is hardly any different from Christianity.
14:23Uh, and Muslims are exactly the same as Christians.
14:27Only with more money.
14:30So just how many of these people are secret diabolists?
14:34And what form does their worship take?
14:37Well, every full moon,
14:39we do go up to the heath a bit, right?
14:41And we do strip ourselves completely naked.
14:43And we ravish each other passionately until dawn.
14:48And this helps summon up the forces of evil, does it?
14:52Who cares?
14:54But how long?
14:56How long before people like George and Fiona
14:59are accepted by the church?
15:01Bound to happen. Bound to happen.
15:02In my opinion, it won't be too long
15:03before, uh, before devil worshippers
15:05are accepted into the priesthood.
15:07Uh, I mean, some people are going to oppose it.
15:08Uh, uh, the Pope, I think, is, is probably anti.
15:12But, uh, it's on the cards.
15:14Do you think you will finally become accepted
15:17into the church?
15:20I couldn't give a toss.
15:21The USSR and the search goes on
15:33for the prankster who put superglue
15:35in President Brezhnev's hat.
15:39The Middle East and the Israelis today
15:42began the handover of the Sinai Desert to Egypt.
15:47And how's business, Mr. Bazooki?
15:49Oh, it is very well.
15:52Good.
15:53Good.
15:54Well, let's get on with the examination, shall we?
15:57Yeah.
15:58If you could just, uh, stand up
16:00and drop your trousers for me.
16:02Oh, yes.
16:07Hmm?
16:09Would you like me to cough?
16:12Ah!
16:13No.
16:14Just tell me the number of your Swiss bank account.
16:19Oh, my God.
16:26Oh, my Christ.
16:31My intention to prove for this court
16:33that my client is completely innocent
16:35of the charges of theft for which he stands accused.
16:38In evidence, I will produce receipts.
16:40Receipts given to me by my client
16:42as definite proof of purchase
16:44for the three articles allegedly stolen.
16:46This one for the digital watch.
16:50This one...
16:50A digital watch?
16:53What on earth is a digital watch?
16:56Sorry, my lad.
16:57A digital watch.
16:58It's a watch worked by Microelectronics.
17:01Oh.
17:02How fascinating.
17:03Proceed.
17:04Thank you, my lad.
17:05I will also be producing a receipt
17:07for the automatic video recorder,
17:10which I...
17:10Automatic video?
17:13Yes, they're quite popular these days, my lad.
17:16It's a machine that records
17:17television programs on special tape.
17:20Oh, heavy, isn't it?
17:21What will they think of next?
17:24Proceed.
17:25Thank you, my lad.
17:25And finally, I will produce in this court
17:29a receipt for my client's
17:31deluxe model inflatable woman.
17:34Whatever that is.
17:35The deluxe is the one with the real hair
17:38and the light, like the picture.
17:41I have seen it and felt it.
17:45And it's an experience I shall never forget.
17:48Mrs. Thatcher took time out today
17:54to present her personal congratulations
17:56to Britain's three millionth unemployed man.
18:01The editor of the Daily Star
18:03has apologised to Her Majesty the Queen
18:05for the way she was jostled at the airport
18:07by some of his reporters.
18:14At a press conference today,
18:15Mr. Cyril Smith demonstrated a new skill
18:18he has developed during the summer recess.
18:20He can now pick his nose from the inside.
18:25Uh, two twelves, please.
18:29Uh, 24.
18:31Done.
18:33I buy the Daily Telegraph
18:35because it doesn't try to tell me what to think.
18:38It just reports the news.
18:40I buy the Daily Express
18:41because it informs me quickly,
18:43tells me what's going on
18:44and lets me get on with my job.
18:46I read the Financial Times
18:48because I've got a pink bathroom.
18:52That one.
18:53Ah, yes, the cork.
18:54Very nice.
18:54Well, of course, you'll be wanting a toilet.
18:56Ah, yes.
18:57Ah, yes, obviously.
18:58Well, actually, not obviously
18:59because you can have one separately.
19:00No, no, no.
19:01No, I need a toilet.
19:02Ah, no doubt about it.
19:03Ah, yes.
19:04Now, will you have a bath or a shower, sir?
19:05Ah, a bath, I think.
19:07A bath.
19:07There we are.
19:08Of course, you can have a shower as well
19:10in the corner here.
19:11Ah, yes.
19:11Ah, you'll see.
19:12And it's the same colour.
19:13Yes, a shower isn't as much use
19:15as a toilet, is it, really?
19:16Well, no, no, I suppose it isn't, really.
19:18Ah, well, let's have a toilet then.
19:19Ah, yes, but you've already got one toilet, sir.
19:21Ah, yes.
19:22Yes.
19:22Right.
19:25How about a nice heating rack there, sir?
19:28Oh, yes, for drawing towels and things.
19:30That's right, yes, yes.
19:32A heating rack isn't as much use as a toilet
19:34as a toilet rack.
19:34Well, no, no, I suppose not, no.
19:37Well, that's how much toilet is.
19:40That's three toilets, sir.
19:43Ah, yes.
19:44In case of blockage.
19:46Yes, right, I see.
19:48Right, what else do you have to offer?
19:49Well, um, ah, well, we have, we have,
19:52we have the, the sink unit, of course,
19:54which, well, it would, it would go in,
19:56I think, quite nicely there, wouldn't it?
19:57You see?
19:57Ah, a bit of a gap here, isn't it?
19:59Ah, yes, yes, there is.
20:01Well, let's talk about a toilet.
20:03That's, that's now four toilets you've, um,
20:05you've got, sir, um.
20:07Ah, yes, in fact, the baths,
20:08I'm taking a lot of room.
20:10Yes, but after all, I mean,
20:11it is a bathroom, isn't it, sir?
20:13No, I prefer a shower.
20:14Ah, fair enough, a shower.
20:16I take out the bath, put in the shower,
20:17and, ah, we'll have a couple of toilets.
20:19And then, ah, I think, I'll wear the bath once.
20:22That's six, six, six, um, six toilets.
20:25Yes, um, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll stick a toilet in the shower.
20:30Um, to kill two birds with one stone.
20:33Yes, um, that's now, uh, seven, seven toilets.
20:37Yes, can't have too much of a good thing, can you?
20:40In fact, do you have any more?
20:41No, I'm afraid we don't have any more,
20:42so you've used up our entire stock of toilets.
20:44Oh, no, no, I haven't.
20:46Ah, here's one.
20:46Ah!
20:49Ah!
20:50Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:52Ah, here's one.
20:53Ah.
20:53Ah!
20:53Ah!
20:54Ah!
20:54Ah!
20:54Ah!
20:55Ah!
20:55Ah!
20:56Ah!
20:56Ah!
20:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:27The Elephant Man. Is he man?
21:30Oi!
21:32Or is he elephant?
21:36Me and my mates, we went down...
21:38We went down Brighton the weekend, right?
21:40All them muds down there, right?
21:42And I hate muds cos they make me puke, right?
21:45So I goes down there, right, with my mate.
21:47And old Les, he's got the old pickaxe handle, right?
21:49And I've got the old bicycle chain, right? Like that.
21:52So we start doing them, right?
21:54You know, these two other ones, they got me down an alleyway.
21:57But I had the old fork stuffed up me pullover, you know?
22:00And I put it...
22:05I thought I'd say all good things must end
22:10It's been the theme of many singers
22:13Who tell us...
22:15Goodbye is the hardest word to say
22:18So let's just say...
22:20Connie lingers!
22:24I never thought it would come to this
22:28Saying cunnilingus and then walking away
22:32But at least it's better than saying goodbye
22:36Cos goodbye is the hardest word to say
22:42So we sing cunnilingus
22:44We've had some fun
22:46Cunnilingus
22:48But what's done is done
22:50Cunnilingus
22:52You'll soon find someone new
22:54Who'll never say cunnilingus tea
22:58Cunnilingus
23:00Can a lingus
23:02Can a lingus smell?
23:03Can a lingus
23:04Can a lingus
23:05Can a lingus, me old mate
23:06Can a lingus
23:08Can a lingus
23:09Can a lingus pan?
23:10Oh, I'll bring it
23:11Even saying cunnilingus brings a tears to my eye
23:18But at least we never said...
23:20Goodbye
23:22Goodbye
23:24Well, with the time coming up to eight minutes past twelve, that's the end of broadcasting on BBC Two for today.
23:42And so it's goodnight from everyone here at Television Centre.
23:58Well, everyone else has gone home actually, there's only me left, but I'm sure if others were here they'd join me in wishing you a very good night.
24:10Goodnight, and don't forget to switch off your set.
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