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00:00In this case, I appear for the plaintiff, a Mr. William Green of Beemonstar in Dorset.
00:08In this case, I appear for the defendant, Miss Diana Rowley of Pristatin Crid.
00:16Milad, in this case, I appear to be in the wrong courtroom.
00:30Milad, in this case, I appear for the defendant, Miss Diana Rowley of Pristatin Crid.
01:00I appear for the defendant, Miss Diana Rowley of Pristatin Crid.
01:30The last item on the agenda is the appointment of a new top man to my team.
01:39Now, I think it ought to be a woman.
01:42Equal opportunities and so on.
01:43A woman?
01:44Aye, a woman.
01:45And positive discrimination, so preferably black.
01:48A black woman?
01:49Aye, a black woman.
01:50And we don't employ any ex-convicts at the moment, do we?
01:53What about a black woman ex-convict?
01:55Right!
01:56A black woman ex-convict.
01:59In her late 50s.
02:00Late 50s?
02:02A lot of people find it very, very difficult to get jobs when they've been made redundant in their late 50s.
02:08Especially if they're educationally subnormal.
02:10After all, an educationally subnormal epileptic with speech defects, partial sight and deafness would find it very, very, very difficult to get a job.
02:23Even though they have a great deal to contribute.
02:29Right, well, um, so, we're looking for a woman.
02:32Make that a pregnant woman.
02:35A pregnant woman who is, um, black, blind, deaf, tall, tall, epileptic.
02:46In her late 50s.
02:48And an ex-convict.
02:50Right, now, are we all agreed on that?
02:51Aye.
02:52Right, we'll have that advertised immediately.
02:54Thank you very much, gentlemen.
02:55All right.
02:57Oh, that's bloody typical of JC, that.
03:00Oh, every good job that comes up goes to one of his family.
03:07Good morning, Doctor.
03:08Come in, Trevor.
03:09Sit down.
03:10Sit down.
03:12Now, stop picking him.
03:15Good morning, Doctor.
03:20Good morning, Mrs. Curtis.
03:21What can I do for you?
03:23Well, I want a termination.
03:28I see.
03:29Well, with abortion, the first question is one of time.
03:33How many months is it now since conception?
03:36Well, it would be, um...
03:39Trevor, how old were you last birthday?
03:4116.
03:44192 months.
03:45Oh, yes, sir.
03:48When you first came to this school, we took you on account of a most entertaining essay
03:53you wrote about a parrot that belonged to your aunt.
03:57Ah, yes, sir.
03:58Hmm.
03:59Since then, your progress has been disappointing.
04:03I have here your exam papers from this year.
04:08Let's take a look at the general paper, shall we?
04:11Question one was, write an essay about perseverance.
04:16Yes, sir.
04:17Do you remember how you began this essay, Souter?
04:19Uh, no, sir.
04:21Read this.
04:22It'll help.
04:23Uh, general paper, final exam, T. Souter.
04:28Autumn 1980.
04:29Subject, perseverance.
04:30Yes, get on with it.
04:31My aunt, who I live with, has a parrot called Persevera.
04:36One day.
04:39Yes, and you proceed to tell exactly the same story you told when you arrived at this school.
04:43Yes, sir.
04:44Here's a slightly different one.
04:45History, question five.
04:49What was notable about the late 50s?
04:52And your answer?
04:54My aunt, who I live with, used to have a parrot called Persevera, who is now dead.
05:01The most notable thing about the late 50s was his enormous appetite.
05:09And question seven.
05:11Describe the South Sea Bubble and its effect on investment.
05:16Go on.
05:18The South Sea Bubble was a large goldfish and its effects on investment, which was a parrot
05:25owned by my aunt, who I live with.
05:28Souter!
05:30Do you think I am some sort of cretin?
05:33Do you think I haven't noticed?
05:37It's with whom I live.
05:41My aunt, with whom I live, not who I live with.
05:49So, I must draw the debate to a close and put it to the vote.
05:54Those who want tea?
05:57As we join us, the Chancellor has been speaking for over an hour and has said nothing of any
06:03great interest.
06:04And are much moved, I must confess, by a series of petitions protesting at the very high level
06:09of taxation, leveled against cigarettes, drink and petrol.
06:13I've therefore decided to remove all duty on those items.
06:17Instead, I shall place duty of 100% purchase price on the following.
06:21And here come the new items, which will be heavily taxed.
06:25Wheelchairs.
06:28White sticks.
06:32False limbs.
06:34Glass eyes.
06:37And diarrhoea medicine.
06:40Observers will notice I have deliberately chosen to penalise those members of the community
06:45who can't hit back.
06:48So, no change there.
06:50Yeah, four eyes.
07:12You must have really good eyes, sight to be able to see through those glasses.
07:14What's that to you?
07:16Well, you won't be needing them anymore, will you?
07:18You shouldn't have done that.
07:23Oh, yeah.
07:24Why not?
07:25Because you're not wearing any shoes.
07:30Hello.
07:31I've just brushed my teeth with new glee.
07:33You know, the wife's always buying these new products, but this one really is different.
07:37It's guaranteed to ward off bacteria.
07:40It's got extra ingredients for that added protection.
07:42And let's see now.
07:43It's scientifically approved.
07:45And for that gleaming sparkle, just wipe around the rim of the bowl.
07:48And the you bend at night.
07:58Thank you, Tim.
07:59And now on to holiday habits, the part of the programme that prepares you for the quainter
08:03customs of some of the exotic places you might be holidaying in this year.
08:06Tonight, we look at Belgium, and in particular, Belgian eating habits.
08:11We have with us the Belgian chargé de fer, le comte de frou-frou.
08:15RQ, we've heard that there are some extraordinary social habits connected with eating in your
08:22country.
08:23Is this true?
08:23They may seem extraordinary to you.
08:26But to us, they are, how say you, small potatoes.
08:33Yes.
08:34But we've heard, for example, that belching is a great compliment to your host.
08:38Ah oui, c'est vrai.
08:39Anyway, the satisfied guest will feel bounden to burp at the end of his meal.
08:45But what if you really want to impress your host with how much you've enjoyed a meal?
08:49Breaking wind is a high compliment.
08:51If after, or even during a meal, a guest blows off, my friend, this is construed as high praise
09:01indeed.
09:02Hmm.
09:02Preferably audibly, I suppose.
09:04Yes, Cliff.
09:07But even the hushed burst of wind, when it finally reaches the nose of the host, will
09:16not be misconstrued.
09:17Indeed, in certain circles, the tact of the silent waft is much prized.
09:27Whatever, your host will know that this meal is one of the finest you have ever tasted.
09:36Yes, but what if you want to say, this is the finest meal I have ever tasted?
09:41Not a very likely contingency in Belgium, my little church.
09:45No, no, but, but let's say, well, for the truly exquisite banquet, vomiting is the highest
09:52phrase.
09:53Vomiting?
09:54Yes.
09:54The, the implication of bringing up all over the table is that the meal was so splendid
10:01you would like to eat it up all over again.
10:06Well, that's really fascinating.
10:08Akil, thank you very much for being on the program.
10:10I've enjoyed it very much.
10:25London and the female fashion designer who claims to have invented a much stronger elastic
10:30was tonight summoned urgently to Downing Street.
10:36News for horse lovers.
10:38And there was excitement for Lady Diana Spencer today when her hat blew off during a ride with
10:43Prince Charles.
10:44On hearing the news, the Duke of Edinburgh said, that's my boy.
10:49Lord Blake Chamberlain, with his white staff, gives the sign for the procession to turn and
10:56for the fanfare from the trumpeters.
10:59Give a biro, please.
11:16Thanks.
11:27Anything else?
11:28Yes, um, I'd like the ploughman's lunch, please.
11:32Certainly, sir.
11:37Housing and Irish architects have designed a house for people who have lots of junk.
11:43It's a bungalow with five basements.
11:45Police hunting the individuals who've threatened to kill Mrs. Thatcher say that their investigations
11:55are making good progress and that 47 million people are helping them with their inquiries.
12:01Thatcher has always been most understanding about this problem, that does not mean to say that they can always come up with an easy solution.
12:12But I'm constantly asking my colleagues to think of it in this way, if it is difficult for some of them, being very much richer than we are, to find a little extra, but they must at the same time understand how very much more difficult it is.
12:30Right, and if you could just read your final list of demands, please, gentlemen. Hawkins, take notes, if you will.
12:37Well, first, we ask for the graduated power-sharing scheme.
12:40Let's scheme it.
12:41Then the reduction to a 35-hour week by 1981.
12:4535-hour week.
12:46The upgrading of differentials with regard to other settlements made by the firm this year.
12:50The differentials parity.
12:51And finally, myself and Mr. Stewart, dear, would like to sleep with your wife.
12:57Sleep with Lady Grunt.
12:59Those are our final terms.
13:01If you'll just give us a minute to consult, please.
13:07I'm sorry, not only is the differentials clause very shaky, but as far as I'm concerned, once a month with my wife is quite unacceptable under present circumstances.
13:15Oh, come on, Grunt, we're wasting our time.
13:16However, however, I am willing to propose once a month with Mr. Hawkins' wife.
13:23I reckon if it's Mr. Hawkins' wife, it'll have to be at least twice a month.
13:26Right, right.
13:27Twice a month?
13:28Three or four times.
13:30All right, well, I'll make you an offer, then.
13:33Both of you every week with Mr. Hawkins' wife.
13:38Plus the automatic bottle opener that you saw us using at the Christmas party last year.
13:43Oh, come on.
13:45Come on, gentlemen, be realistic.
13:46Plus use of this swivel chair in future negotiations.
13:53I like the swivel chair.
13:55I like the swivel chair.
13:56What do you think of Mrs. Hawkins?
13:57Definitely not.
13:58Right.
13:59Neither of us fancy Mrs. Hawkins, I'm afraid.
14:01Why not?
14:02How about your daughter, Hawkins?
14:04She's only eight.
14:05That needn't matter.
14:07Don't worry.
14:07The graduated power sharing scene, 35-hour week, all that rubbish.
14:12Use of the swivel chair.
14:15The automatic bottle opener with its instruction booklet.
14:21Mr. Hawkins' daughter to be phased in by 1991.
14:26Plus, my wife's recipe for Ratatouille.
14:36Lemon ice cream.
14:38No.
14:39Oh, come on, it sounds fair enough to me.
14:40Not the recipe for lemon ice cream.
14:42Come on, man, we're talking about...
14:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:44What about the ice cream?
14:46I'm sorry, that is not the offer.
14:47The offer is Ratatouille.
14:49What about the ice cream?
14:50Ice cream is not on the table.
14:52All right, I'm afraid that's it.
14:54We'll have to go to the end of the meeting.
14:56No, no.
14:57Just a moment, gentlemen.
14:59Just a moment, gentlemen.
15:00The swivel chair to take home at weekend.
15:03The automatic bottle opener.
15:08And some money.
15:13Ah!
15:15That baby takes the morning train.
15:19He works from nine till five o'clock.
15:22He takes another home again.
15:26Do you mind me waiting?
15:29He let me go out every evening.
15:32And it's...
15:32Lock, do you mind?
15:33Let me do the...
15:34Anything I want.
15:37He takes me to a mover.
15:39To a restaurant.
15:40Look, I've had a hard day.
15:42I'm very tired.
15:43I'm very tired.
15:44That baby takes the morning train.
15:48I don't know that.
15:49I've been taking the bus for 15 years.
15:52That baby takes the morning bus.
15:56He works from nine to five o'clock.
15:57Look, I don't work from nine to five.
15:59I didn't today, anyway.
16:00No, I spent all day with a whore.
16:02That baby takes the morning bus.
16:07He spends all day with a whore in there.
16:10He takes another whore in there.
16:14And tries to strangle me.
16:20And you lot, Shubba.
16:25And you.
16:26Well, Mr. Grossop, I have some very bad news for you, I'm afraid.
16:31Oh, really?
16:33Yes, the tests came back from the laboratory and you have the highest level of cholesterol they've ever seen.
16:41Oh.
16:43This may sound a bit premature, but when you die, would you mind leaving your body to me?
16:53Well, if I can be of some use afterwards.
16:56For research purposes, I suppose.
16:58No.
16:59I want to hang you up in the garden so the blue tits can peck at you.
17:02Roughage K, the whole wheat breakfast.
17:14Absolutely nothing taken away and nothing added.
17:18It's just bursting with natural goodness.
17:20Everything you'd expect to find in a breakfast that has been left out in the rain for a year
17:29until the wheat was endowed with a thick crustacean of muck.
17:34Nature's muck, brimming with the parts of weasels that didn't adhere to the blades of the combine harvester.
17:46And creepy crawlies, plague-carrying insects who dribble over it.
17:54Trampled by B.O.-ridden incontinent farmers.
18:00It's all natural.
18:01In fact, it's the bag of nature.
18:09Roughage K, the bag of nature.
18:16Good morning, John.
18:17Good morning, John.
18:19Good morning, my parents.
18:20Did you have a good day yesterday?
18:22I did have a good day yesterday.
18:24Did you win your tournament, son?
18:25I did win my tournament.
18:27Did you get fined again?
18:28I did get fined again.
18:31Don't slurp your orange juice.
18:35What did you say?
18:37I've told you before not to slurp your orange juice.
18:41You cannot be serious!
18:45You cannot be serious!
18:48I did not slurp my orange juice!
18:50I did not slurp my drink!
18:52Did I slurp my drink?
18:53Did you hear a sound?
18:54Did you hear a sound?
18:55Tell me!
18:56I heard a slurping sound.
18:59Jesus Christ, woman!
19:02You cannot be serious!
19:03I want to bring in Dad.
19:05I want to bring in Dad.
19:06I want to hear what Dad has to say.
19:07Let's bring in Dad.
19:08Let's hear what Dad has to say.
19:10Did you hear a sound, Patrick?
19:12The drink was slurped.
19:13Jesus Christ!
19:15Why am I surrounded by incompetence?
19:19Why is everyone against me?
19:21John, why don't you calm down, come and finish your breakfast.
19:24This egg is runny.
19:40I must have my eggs boil for six minutes.
19:43How long was this egg cooked?
19:45I boiled it for six minutes.
19:46You did not boil it for six minutes!
19:49Oh, yes, I did.
19:50You didn't!
19:51Is this your horn?
19:52Is this your runny?
19:53Is this your horn?
19:54Is this your horn running?
19:55This yoke is running!
19:56I'm telling you, I boiled it for six minutes.
19:59You did not boil Jesus Christ, mother!
20:02You are the pits of the earth!
20:05You are so incompetent!
20:07You ought to be made to sit in a pile of puke!
20:10Right, that's enough.
20:12Go and sit in another room and have your breakfast.
20:14I've had enough of this behavior.
20:17What did I do?
20:21What did I say?
20:22What did I do?
20:23What did I say?
20:25You said I slurred my drink.
20:27You said you boiled my egg for six minutes.
20:28I did not slurred my drink!
20:31I did not boil!
20:33I did not!
20:33The oak is running!
20:35I did not!
20:36What did I do?
20:37What did I say?
20:39Why is everyone against me?
20:41Why, I'm right!
20:42I'm always right!
20:44Well, and there was excitement at the Harrogate and District Pro-Am tournament yesterday when a competitor insisted on playing the ball after the umpire had declared it out of bounds.
20:57The Serengeti plane, home of the wildebeest.
21:04In 1940, 10,000.
21:06In 1950, 25,000.
21:08In 1960, 80,000.
21:10And now, in 1982, a total of two and a half million wildebeest are unemployed.
21:19And the figure is still rising.
21:23Some battle on in search of jobs.
21:29Others have lost hope completely.
21:32A wildebeest will do almost any type of work.
21:34Geoffrey Stevenson is one such example.
21:39He's been unemployed for two and a half years.
21:44His girlfriend, Mandy Fairfax, likewise, has been out of work for almost 18 months.
21:51The same applies to countless others.
21:55Next week, we take a hard look at the possibility of a wildebeest job opportunities program.
22:00And why one particular chain of supermarkets refuses to have wildebeest on its start.
22:07I know these lights give a great deal of pleasure to countless people
22:32in the weeks leading up to the 25th of December.
22:36Particularly to families who bring their children to see them.
22:40It now gives me great pleasure to switch on the lights.
22:42mumle Zeynitter
22:59Who are we tonight?
23:03Who are we tonight?
23:06Who are we making us night?
23:10What are we, we've been here?
23:12A heart will make me tonight
23:17Tonight
23:21Tonight
23:25A heart will make you magnificent
23:31A heart will make you magnificent
23:41A heart will make you magnificent
23:46A heart will make you magnificent
23:52A heart will make you magnificent
24:05Graves what's this all about
24:09Oh blimey
24:12We think the motive was jealousy sir
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