- 4 months ago
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00:00Oh, no!
00:06Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:19Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:25There.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Hello! Thank you!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster,
00:37a set of challenges presided over by a temperamental dictator.
00:40It's a sort of upbeat North Korea.
00:42And I'm Kim Yong-Fung.
00:49Let's meet our citizens for the first time.
00:52They are...
00:53Anya Magliano!
00:56Maisie Adam!
00:58Phil Ellis!
01:00Reece Shearsmith!
01:02And Sanjeev Bhaskar!
01:07And next to me, a man who I once thought I saw riding on the back
01:11of a baby elephant with a tiny trunk
01:13to discover he simply had no trousers on.
01:18It's...
01:20Little Alex Horne!
01:22APPLAUSE
01:24So the turn would be...
01:25Yeah.
01:27Hello, everyone. It's lovely to be here. It's lovely to see you, Greg.
01:29I actually think you're great.
01:30Thanks.
01:31Thanks, man.
01:32But I do think I can help.
01:33Oh!
01:34With a couple of enhancements.
01:36On the count of three, would you mind smiling?
01:38Oh, one, two, three.
01:39No!
01:41No?
01:43I can do... I can do a couple of these.
01:46How about doing a nice big blink to camera?
01:48A blink?
01:49A blink.
01:50One, two, three.
01:52Oh!
01:54Snare. Snare drum.
01:55Open your mouth.
01:56One, two, three.
01:57Yeah?
01:58Yep.
01:59Yep.
02:00Yep.
02:01By your standards, not bad.
02:05OK, here we go.
02:06What's the first prize task of this series, little Alex Horne?
02:10Well, my guy, today you asked him quite specifically to bring in
02:14a very soft thing which would be most beneficial for Greg Davis.
02:19OK, so the very soft thing Greg thinks he'd find most beneficial
02:22will get the full five points, then the winner of the episode
02:25will take home all five very soft things even though they're
02:27intended to benefit Greg, but Greg won't mind as it's bound
02:30to be a great big bunch of crap.
02:32Thanks very much.
02:34Over and out.
02:35OK, Anya, welcome.
02:38What soft thing did you bring me?
02:40I brought you a bum cushion.
02:42OK.
02:46It doesn't look unlike my bum.
02:51So I made it extra soft because I added some cat hair on it.
02:54From my cats, Chicken and Rickon.
02:57Chicken and Rickon.
02:58Now, the problem for you and your bald cats is I am profoundly
03:02allergic to cats.
03:03Oh, no!
03:05What I will say is this, at least you've made an effort.
03:08The people I get angry with are the people who haven't made
03:10an effort.
03:11Yeah, when we got them spayed, I said, can I keep the hair?
03:14Because they had to shave some of them to put like an injection in.
03:17Oh, that's lovely.
03:18Yeah.
03:19So this hair is just before they had their wounds removed.
03:23It's from the really special zones.
03:25Ah, great.
03:26Which you might not be allergic to that.
03:29Well, I've never...
03:33I've never put that to the test.
03:34But never say never.
03:36Yeah.
03:38Maisie.
03:39Er...
03:40Buh, buh, buh.
03:41I'm sorry.
03:42Small talk.
03:43How are you?
03:44Very well, thanks, Greg.
03:45How are you?
03:46What have you brought in?
03:51I've brought in a manly bonnet for you.
03:54I'm concerned about banging your head on things.
03:56What with your...
03:57Extraordinary height.
03:58Extraordinary height.
03:59Here is Maisie's bonnet.
04:01So you've got...
04:04I didn't want you to feel emasculated by wearing a bonnet,
04:06so I've stuck loads of manly things on it.
04:09Oh, that's nice.
04:10Yeah.
04:11Barbecue on the top.
04:12Love it.
04:13Bit of weight.
04:14Toolbox.
04:15Couple bottles of beers for the lads.
04:18My dad's quite tall and he always hits the top of his head
04:21and it scabs over.
04:23A lot better to protect it than a miniature barbecue.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:29I really like it.
04:30Wow.
04:31You're welcome.
04:32I've got nothing negative to say
04:33and I'm not allergic to any of those things.
04:34LAUGHTER
04:35Phil.
04:36What is the softest thing in the universe?
04:39And we all know that is the hands and voices of the elderly.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:44So...
04:46So I thought if I just, like, pop these on,
04:48these elderly people's hands will...
04:51Yeah.
04:52They fit like a glove.
04:53I mean, that's perfect, innit?
04:54Yeah.
04:55So I thought...
04:57It's like...
04:58If you just enjoy the...
04:59If we play the cassette...
05:00Yeah, you ready...
05:01Of a softly-spoken elderly lady...
05:02Here is the elderly lady talking now.
05:04Hello, Greg.
05:05You're such a wonderful person.
05:08We're all so proud of you.
05:10Such a big, strong, beefy boy.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Good, innit?
05:16Is that an old lady?
05:17It is an old lady, yes.
05:18Well, it's the oldest one I could find.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:23I found it quite distressing.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26I think if you'd brought an old lady on, maybe it would have been more beneficial.
05:30I know.
05:31It's weird, though.
05:32No-one would come with me.
05:33Yeah.
05:35Rhys, what did you bring us?
05:36My first question is, are you allergic to feathers?
05:39I am.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:42Right, well, moving on.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44Let's imagine I'm not.
05:45I have created for you...
05:48..a fortune-telling raven.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52Can I say that's what I was hoping for?
05:53Yeah.
05:54Here is the fortune-telling raven.
05:57LAUGHTER
06:00There it is.
06:01Every morning, we'll give you a prediction for the events of that day.
06:05Raven!
06:07LAUGHTER
06:08Tell me my fortune.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:12There it is, look.
06:13Pick one up for you.
06:14What's it?
06:16You will leave the iron on.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:21Greg, you've got to leave and get home.
06:24Yeah, like I iron.
06:28Christ, none of these are rubbish.
06:30You must be feeling the heat, aren't you, Sanjay?
06:32Totally.
06:33Yeah.
06:34I've gone incredibly practical.
06:36Here it is.
06:37Nice big blanket.
06:38You see?
06:40And there it is.
06:42And there he is.
06:43Made from...
06:44The contestant who grabbed something on his way to the show.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:49It's electric.
06:51Oh!
06:52So it warms up.
06:53Wait a moment.
06:54From the finest cat...
06:55Sheep hair.
06:57Or wool.
06:58Sheep hair.
06:59As I believe some people call it.
07:01No, because I thought, you know, because you are tall, you feel the cold quicker than anyone else.
07:07OK.
07:08You've seen five quite soft things.
07:10Yeah.
07:11Other people have made stuff, so I have to punish you because you didn't make it.
07:13Sorry, you didn't ask me whether I made it or not.
07:15Yeah, I know, but...
07:16You made a huge assumption that I made and picked it up on the way here.
07:22I've been knitting and bolting that thing together for months.
07:27Right, well, does that change things?
07:28No!
07:31The thing I want, second least, is to have latex gloves rubbed over my face.
07:38Two points to fill.
07:39Next, I want to sit on a doughnut of cat hair.
07:43Three points.
07:44And then we're up to the big two.
07:46I want the raven most.
07:48Maisie, four points.
07:49Reece, five points.
07:50There we go.
07:52I want that raven.
07:53APPLAUSE
07:54Well, off to a trying start.
07:55Let's get going.
07:56What's the first task proper?
07:57You're going to love this one, Greg, because it involves your two favourite things.
08:01One, basic technology.
08:02Two.
08:03Two, me standing next to a table looking all mysterious and macho.
08:22Hello.
08:24Oh, no, he's starting the clock.
08:26What do I do?
08:28Hiya.
08:30What?
08:31What?
08:32What?
08:33Why are you timing it?
08:34What?
08:35Hello, hello.
08:39Hi.
08:40Hello.
08:42Oh, God.
08:44Speak!
08:46Hello.
08:47What?
08:48You all right?
08:49What's the task?
08:50Well, I can't see any kind of task written down here.
08:54Hmm.
08:55So I'm just going to hit you with this.
08:58Is a task anywhere?
09:00Do I have to find the task?
09:01No.
09:02Are we against the clock?
09:03Yes.
09:04What do you want me to do?
09:05Is there anything different about me, Rhys?
09:07Well, you've got that on.
09:08Yeah.
09:09Do you know what it is?
09:10Yes, it's one of those things where you pay at restaurants.
09:13I don't know what you call those things.
09:18Yeah, it's a QR code.
09:19QR code.
09:20That's it, yeah.
09:21Do I have to have a phone to scan it?
09:23Mm-hm.
09:24Unless you can do them with your eyes.
09:25I can't do them with my eyes yet.
09:27Do I need my phone?
09:28Yes.
09:31Can I not use this to scan your QR code?
09:33Have you not got one of these?
09:34No.
09:35Back in my room?
09:36Go and get it, then.
09:37Oh, Alex!
09:38I have a phone in another room.
09:39Ah.
09:40Should I get it?
09:41You might need it.
09:42OK.
09:44Look for it in this room.
09:45Your telephone.
09:46My telephone?
09:47Your telephone.
09:48Why do you keep saying to have a telephone?
09:50My telephone.
09:51Do you have a telephone?
09:52No!
09:53Not on me.
09:54Right.
09:55What are you going to get one?
09:56Where is it?
09:57My telephone.
09:58Your telephone.
09:59My telephone.
10:01Yeah, your telephone.
10:02What do you mean?
10:03I don't have one around me.
10:04I mean, I've got my mobile phone.
10:05Oh.
10:06Private to me.
10:07You want me to bring it into this room?
10:08Well, you need to scan that somehow.
10:09Well, other than I have to go and get it, don't I?
10:11I suppose so.
10:12Sorry to argue.
10:16Share your phone!
10:18What?
10:19Ha ha ha!
10:22Clever boy.
10:23Right.
10:30It's fascinating because there's such a range of ages amongst five of you, but my initial impression
10:36is that was like watching footage of the distressed residents in a care house.
10:44The age range is extraordinary, this series. For the first time it's 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and up we go.
10:48It is...
10:49I think if the staff were looking after these pensioners, Rhys would be the one that they dread looking after.
10:59The most.
11:01You can almost hear the staff go, when are you going to him?
11:04He's really on one today.
11:06But when do we get our medication?
11:08LAUGHTER
11:10You know there's going to be dispatches about this and you will all be revealed.
11:13Your cruelty will be revealed.
11:16I was left on the stairs last night.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:20LAUGHTER
11:24Let's crack on.
11:25OK.
11:26It's QR versus AR.
11:28Anya and Rhys.
11:33Why don't you just...
11:35Oh, buff.
11:43Come here.
11:44I need to scan your test.
11:58I don't feel good about this.
12:07Right, I'm there.
12:09No, no.
12:10I've got my passcode.
12:11Keep still.
12:12I need to go that way.
12:13I can't.
12:15Ow!
12:17I still have a dice game open on my phone.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:22Keep still.
12:23I don't want to keep still.
12:24You've got to.
12:25I don't want to.
12:26Oh, he's back.
12:28Come here.
12:29I don't want to.
12:32Keep still.
12:33I don't want to.
12:34For God's sake.
12:36Oh, I nearly got it.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38Oh, no.
12:39Oh!
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42APPLAUSE
12:46APPLAUSE
12:47APPLAUSE
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50Honk the horn, fastest wins.
12:51Your time started when you said your first word.
12:55MUSIC PLAYS
12:56I've stopped the clock!
13:01That was so fun, I feel so alive.
13:04Can we go again?
13:06I can't.
13:15Annie, you look like you are genuinely enjoying running around.
13:18You don't get to chase someone very often in your life.
13:21And you were really enjoying being chased.
13:23Of course I was.
13:24It's the build-up.
13:26It was actually quite slippy, so I couldn't go at top speed.
13:30And if I had my time again, I would go at top speed.
13:34I'm sorry you never got to go at top speed.
13:37Did you enjoy that, Rhys?
13:39Um, no.
13:40No?
13:41I found it frustrating because he wouldn't stop.
13:43And I guess that's the point.
13:45That's the point, right?
13:47Rhys, you're twice as old as Anya and twice as slow, it turns out.
13:51Anya, 2 minutes 29.
13:52Rhys, 5 minutes and 5 seconds.
13:55But she wasn't even at top speed.
13:57Imagine.
13:59OK, that's the first part through.
14:01But as my doctor said in a recent health screening,
14:03after a break, I'm going to need to get a glove and really get amongst it.
14:07APPLAUSE
14:15Hello!
14:16Welcome back to the second part of the show and the second part of the series.
14:21The current task is to get the horn, scan the horn, then honk the horn.
14:24Now, let's see how the final three got on.
14:26It's Maisie and Phil who both understand the concept of fastest wins.
14:30Plus, Sanjeev Bhaskar.
14:32LAUGHTER
14:33There you are, you little bugger.
14:34Come here, let me spank you.
14:35You've got a QR code.
14:36Oh, he's got a big one on the back.
14:37This is brilliant!
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39LAUGHTER
14:40You little brick.
14:41LAUGHTER
14:42LAUGHTER
14:43LAUGHTER
14:44You little brick.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:46APPLAUSE
14:47LAUGHTER
14:49I know how to get it, he likes music, doesn't he?
15:19Come on, don't be scared, you like instruments, don't you?
15:47Come here.
15:50Alex!
15:54Fucking hell.
15:56I think he's on a loop.
15:58He needs to block his path.
16:05There's only two things I can hit you with.
16:08Right.
16:09Where's your telephone?
16:10It's in my pocket.
16:11Right, how are you going to...?
16:13What?
16:16Ow, bastard!
16:19I'm deep.
16:21No.
16:22Say hello to the ostrich.
16:24I don't want to.
16:26I think I've just beheaded a gargoyle, I'm really sorry.
16:34I've got him!
16:35Oh, shit, I'm on airplane mode!
16:41Do you have to use QR codes?
16:44It's just giving me a little yellow light on it, which is not the thing.
16:49No, it is a thing.
16:50Oh, is it?
16:51Yeah.
16:52Stay!
16:53Still!
16:54I don't want to.
16:55Stay!
16:56I'm really strong, Alex.
16:58Honk the horn!
16:59Honk the horn.
17:00Fast as wings!
17:01I've honked the horn!
17:02Honk the horn.
17:03Honk the horn!
17:04Honk the horn!
17:05Honk the horn!
17:06Honk the horn!
17:07Honk the horn?
17:08Yeah, I've done that at the bloody beginning.
17:12Yeah, I've stopped with that.
17:13So what I worked down for you during that is, I'm going to have to do that.
17:27doing that is, um, good to see someone who knows he can't win this having fun.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:34Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's so early on, isn't it, and yet it's so obvious.
17:38You were having the time of your life, weren't you?
17:40Come here, you little bugger, I'm going to spank you.
17:43I didn't hear that, but OK.
17:45You said that. Oh, yeah, well...
17:47That wasn't me saying that to you, Phil.
17:51And it wasn't destructive, there wasn't £40 worth of damage.
17:55LAUGHTER
17:57That gargoyle!
17:58Yes, that gargoyle.
18:00Right, OK, sorry.
18:04What I will say is, I'd forgotten I'd worn such big pants.
18:09There's nothing wrong with a big pant, my friend.
18:12Well, my leggings, they didn't come in my length,
18:15so they only reached round my bum.
18:18Are you saying your trousers were riding down?
18:20I didn't notice, did you notice?
18:22Of course I know.
18:25I still enjoyed watching you running around breathlessly with you.
18:28I was not breathless, thank you.
18:29Sorry.
18:31I was firing top speed, but with saggy pants, so...
18:34Sanjeev...
18:35I was going at top speed.
18:40I wasn't holding back.
18:42Have you genuinely, in real life, had a phone for long?
18:45LAUGHTER
18:46A phone?
18:47A phone, yeah.
18:48A telephone?
18:49Yes, a telephone.
18:50LAUGHTER
18:51Yes, I think, you know, in that moment,
18:53I didn't know whether you wanted me to...
18:55I don't know.
18:56To know how to use your own phone?
18:57Yes.
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59I have people who do that for me.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:02Love it.
19:03The nurses.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:09Shall I tell you some times?
19:11Tell me some times.
19:12I can't imagine any of them are good.
19:13Phil did find a horn and lure me out with another horn.
19:17Wow.
19:18At 1 minute 37.
19:19That was his first honk of another horn.
19:21We didn't say which horn he had to honk.
19:22So, Phil, 1.37.
19:23Suddenly he's overtaken, Anja,
19:25who's lagging at 2 minutes 29.
19:27So slow.
19:28Rhys, 5 minutes 5.
19:29Maisie, quicker, 4 minutes 22.
19:32More than twice as long as everyone else.
19:34Sanjeev, 10 minutes 16.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:36However, there's also one extra video to watch.
19:43Ooh.
19:44Hiya.
19:45What?
19:46What?
19:47What?
19:48What?
19:49Why are you timing it?
19:50What?
19:51PHONE RINGS
19:52APPLAUSE
19:53And what's amazing is we literally didn't need to show any of that footage of your trousers falling down.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:11It is one point, Sanjeev, two to Reith, three to Anja, four to Phil and five to Maisie Adam.
20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:19Shall we see our first scoreboard, Jim Trellamalat?
20:22Of course.
20:23At one end, consistency himself.
20:24Sanjeev's got two points.
20:25At the other, Maisie's got nine points.
20:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:31Right.
20:32What's next, the valetone?
20:33Ooh.
20:34Well, it's time to task with a target.
20:36We've found a big space.
20:37We've got some big balls.
20:38We're going to have some big fun.
20:40MUSIC PLAYS
20:57Do you know what I'm doing?
20:59Max Schreck as Nosferatu.
21:01I thought you looked like a penguin.
21:031921 classic.
21:06Looks like a penguin.
21:07LAUGHTER
21:10You're quite far away.
21:11So are you.
21:16Roll an object onto the target.
21:19You must release your object from behind this line.
21:23You may not move the line or target
21:26and you may not affect your object after release.
21:30You must use the first type of object you touch
21:33and can have three attempts with that type of object
21:36and must not go within Greg's height of the target.
21:45What?
21:46Closest to the centre of the target wins.
21:49You have 15 minutes.
21:51Your time starts now.
21:53What with...
21:54How do I know how tall Greg is?
21:56Lying down.
21:57Or standing up.
21:58Or...
21:59Oh!
22:00LAUGHTER
22:02APPLAUSE
22:07And it's a game of curling.
22:09Ah, well, we invented it, but yeah.
22:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:11Right, well, let's crack on.
22:12OK, well, it's a tricky task, but there's 15 minutes,
22:15so plenty of time to plan, etc.
22:17Or I guess you could just get it done and go home.
22:19It's Maisie, and yes, it's Sanji.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:24So...
22:25The first type of object you touch...
22:32We're quite heavy.
22:36I think that means you're touching it, Sanjeev.
22:38Well, no, I didn't touch that.
22:39I think you touched the tyre.
22:42Come on then.
22:45Oh!
22:46They ice.
22:47I...
22:48Ice.
22:49We're going to go ice.
22:55Ice.
22:56We're going to go ice.
23:09Good for length?
23:10Er...
23:11Yep.
23:12The line was a bit off.
23:13Oh!
23:18That hit a camera.
23:19Yes!
23:20Brilliant.
23:24Oh!
23:25Oh!
23:30LAUGHTER
23:35Ooh!
23:38LAUGHTER
23:39Happy with that?
23:40Absolutely delighted, Alex.
23:47Slow, slow!
23:50That's in another time zone, that one, innit?
23:53Right, you've got one more.
23:54What have you learned from the first two?
23:55Absolutely nothing.
23:56Great.
23:57Couldn't have come.
24:01Now, then.
24:05Oh, charming.
24:07Shut the door.
24:09Great.
24:10That's near Windsor.
24:15Stop.
24:17Stop!
24:18Stop!
24:19Stop!
24:20Oh!
24:22Are you going to, like, doc, like, you know, take a picture,
24:24just because they're going to melt in a minute?
24:26Yeah, we're filming a lot of this.
24:27I mean, basically, that final shot, there was no sign that you'd ever been part of this.
24:44It's like a metaphor for the futility of life.
24:47The thing is that I get the rules which, you know, the first thing you touch,
24:50but I was just moving it up a bit.
24:53I wasn't kind of, like, choosing it.
24:55Or, as some would say, touching.
24:57Some may interpret it that way.
25:00Maisie, I think this is the most sense we've seen you make.
25:03I had a method.
25:04I was like, let's see what weighs more, cos weight...
25:08Yeah.
25:09Weight is to do with distance and something.
25:11Yeah, of course.
25:12Famously, weight's to do with distance.
25:14Yeah.
25:16Right, we're at the halfway point now, and as my doctor said in a recent check-up,
25:20let's just stop for a little breather.
25:22I wasn't expecting it to be such a mess down there.
25:25APPLAUSE
25:33Hello!
25:35Thank you and welcome back.
25:37It's the start of part three,
25:39and our new competitors are trying to stop their objects
25:41as close as possible to the middle of the target.
25:43Three people left to go.
25:45Are they actually good at sport despite their appearances?
25:48It's Anya, Rhys and Phil!
25:52I'm going to try to make it easy by going dead centre, big ball first.
25:57I'm going to use these little balls to make a thoroughfare.
26:01Ooh!
26:06First time I've felt like I've got a good idea.
26:09Right, you have to use that now.
26:10What?
26:12Can you touch that first?
26:13So that's going to be the object you throw.
26:19You're going exercise ball.
26:23I'm thinking if I set up a buffer zone behind it.
26:26Nice.
26:30It's really stinky.
26:32We didn't know they were there.
26:34Far too much power.
26:42OK, good to know.
26:46Do me a favour and put your foot on there for me, please, Alex.
26:50It's time for a few more bins.
26:54It's time for a few more bins.
27:04Ha, ha, ha! This is exciting.
27:10OK, ready!
27:12OK, it's all about what I pick now.
27:14I'm going to do this one.
27:15Yes, you are.
27:21It's no good.
27:25That was, er...
27:29...dispointing.
27:31Let's go.
27:43A bit of shit, wasn't it?
27:45The principle works.
27:50The mayor was redoing that.
27:51Oh, for fuck!
27:57Oh, for fuck!
27:58I'm not actually joking, though.
28:10What the fuck?
28:12Good luck.
28:15Is it going to bounce back?
28:16It's not, is it?
28:17Do you know what happened?
28:18The sellotape stopped it.
28:2025 seconds.
28:21This is your last go.
28:22b, yeah!
28:23Ha, ha, ha!
28:24Oh!
28:25I APARしく
28:50Oh, it's on the target who'd have thought it'd be that simple
29:14Greece what was that device you created? What was it meant to do?
29:17No, initially I thought I could slow the ball down with the sellotape
29:21Like when you see it in America where they pull spikes across and the cars get their
29:26their things
29:28All fell down when I accidentally touched the wrong thing for it's quite calm and softly spoken in the studio
29:35Isn't it? But when he got across with his catapult you went more northern than you've been
29:40for the whole show
29:42And that was me doing that
29:46A real latent rage
29:48I thought Phil's worked amazingly well and I think Anya's would have worked as well if she was capable of
29:54rolling a ball in the correct direction
29:57I mean incredibly she is worse than Sanjeev. No offence
30:03You I feel like you're ganging up on me
30:09I can show you where all their objects
30:12Ended up in fifth place Anya's was the furthest away 22 badges for Sanjeev ten badges
30:17We're doing the badges Reese seven badges Phil two-and-a-half badges, but the winner with five points one-and-a-half badges
30:23Maisie Adam
30:31Just like our infamous camping trip together. This one involves being disgusting in a caravan
30:53Hello
30:55Hello
30:57Hi
30:58Oh, hi, Reese
31:00Hi, Alex
31:01Welcome to the caravan
31:03Thank you for having me in the caravan
31:04Caravan
31:05The cowavan?
31:06Oh, yeah, it's caravan
31:07You've been having a lovely time
31:09You have, hmm?
31:10Oh, good
31:11You?
31:12Er...
31:13It's alright
31:14I mean, you know, what do you compare it with?
31:16You compare it with kind of the worst times in your life
31:18And you go, I'm having a great time
31:20Yeah
31:21And then you compare it with some of the best times in your life
31:22And you go, this is shit
31:23Yeah
31:24So it's, so yeah, it's okay
31:26Yeah
31:28Do you mind me saying you suit the caravan?
31:33I actually do know what you mean
31:34I was going to be insulted, but then I was like, he's completely right
31:37Do something behind this curtain
31:41That sounds disgusting, but is actually really nice
31:46Highest
31:48D by N wins
31:51Where D is your disgustingness score out of 10
31:55And N is your niceness score out of 10
31:59So the swing-o-meter of how horrible it sounds
32:03Compared to the reality of how nice it is
32:05There are more points involved in such a situation
32:07Is that great?
32:08That's very well put
32:09Thank you
32:10You have 15 minutes
32:12Your time starts now
32:13Okay
32:14So it's behind this
32:15Yeah
32:17If you don't mind
32:18Alright, little privacy
32:20I'll be waiting
32:22You're not coming with me to look at it?
32:24Do you want me to?
32:25No
32:32You really do suit that caravan
32:35What?
32:36I don't
32:37This is the thing
32:38I don't know whether I should
32:39Do you like camping or not?
32:40No
32:41You don't?
32:42No
32:43Why are you getting so angry about this?
32:45Because the way Alex said it was quite like
32:47I'm going to try and get in your head
32:50And live in there as a worm
32:52Yeah
32:54Eating away at your brain
32:56Really so
32:57So in the end you can't even roll a ball in a straight line
33:01Ready to start?
33:02God yes
33:03Yuck!
33:04Err and vomit
33:05It's Anya, Maisie and Phil
33:07Okay, I'm starting my attempt
33:09Are you having a nice time?
33:20Yep
33:21I'm going to reveal you
33:22It's really tasty
33:36I'm going to cover you up again
33:37Are you sure you don't want to suck a bit off?
33:39Okay
33:40I was just looking through in the kitchen there
33:45Yeah
33:46Looking for all sorts of various things that I might be able to use
33:49And then
33:50Oh!
33:51Fuck!
33:52Argh!
33:53Argh!
33:54Argh!
33:55Please stop!
33:56Whatever!
33:57Please!
33:58Argh!
33:59Argh!
34:00Oh, right
34:01Yeah, okay
34:02Argh!
34:03Yeah
34:04I'm going to open the curtain
34:07Ugh!
34:08No!
34:10Don't come in
34:11Save yourself
34:13Just making you a nice fruit smoothie, Alex
34:19You're doing it quite violently
34:20Yeah
34:21I would like a little bit of a drink to see if it's nice
34:25Oh, I'm so sorry
34:27Well, thank you
34:31Oh!
34:32Nice
34:33Very nice
34:34There you go!
34:35Okay
34:42Are you alright to keep doing it for a bit?
34:44Yeah, I hope my calf muscles last
34:46Your calf muscles?
34:50I need to know what it is that you're doing
34:52I'm going to have a look
34:53Here I come
34:54Here I come
35:02What are you doing?
35:03What does it look like I'm doing?
35:04I'm rubbing my feet in gravy
35:07In a mixture of chocolate sauce
35:09And crumbled up non-product specific biscuits
35:12I'm having a bloody great time
35:13Nice
35:14Bloody lovely
35:15Bloody lovely
35:26Right, right
35:27Caravan girl
35:29When the curtain went back, I mean, you were eating yoghurt with your fingers
35:32You were eating
35:33No, it wasn't yoghurt
35:34Oh, was it?
35:35It was whipped cream and sugar
35:36But it was really tasty and I ate it for quite a long time
35:41This is where it's tricky, you see, because if it was nice for you, I'll have to take your word for it
35:45It wasn't nice watching you eat that with your fingers
35:47Alex told me that you would be really jealous of it
35:50Oh
35:51Oh, did he?
35:54Phil's just tricky because what I'm learning about Phil is he's so upbeat about everything
35:58He's sort of said anything has been nice really
36:00I think he genuinely was having a wonderful time
36:02I was
36:03Yeah, I mean, I would have been doing that if I wasn't on the show anyway
36:08Was it warm gravy?
36:10No, that was where we fell a bit short
36:12It was, I could feel the granules between my toes
36:15Ah
36:17Your noise, matey, where it got sinister and I wrote it down, was when you shouted, please stop
36:24I think I'm now realising that the two things had to be the same
36:28I just pretended to be attacked and then made a cocktail
36:31And then made a cocktail
36:32Very much separate activities
36:35OK, let's stop once again
36:38As my doctor said to me at a recent check-up, just one final push left
36:42Relax, loosen up a bit
36:44Hey, stop squirming
36:45Nurse! Nurse! Help me! He keeps biting!
36:56Oh!
36:58Welcome back to the final part of the show
37:00Where the cast are tricking us into thinking they're being disgusting
37:04The final attempts come from two neighbours over there
37:06It's Sanjeev from number 42 and Rhys from number 9
37:11You OK in there, Rhys?
37:13Yeah!
37:14Hello Sanjeev?
37:22Oh...
37:27Samjeev?
37:29Oh!
37:30Pfft!
37:31Pfft!
37:32Pfft!
37:33Right, Natyv?
37:34Yep.
37:35I'm going to have a look at you.
37:36OK.
37:37I want to check you're OK.
37:38OK.
37:39Pfft!
37:40I'm going to come and have a look.
37:42OK.
37:43Be prepared, it's not disgusting.
37:45Pfft!
37:46Pfft!
37:47Pfft!
37:48Pfft!
37:49Pfft!
37:50Pfft!
37:51Pfft!
37:52Pfft!
37:53Pfft!
37:54Pfft!
37:55Pfft!
37:56Put a little baby in there?
37:58Yes.
37:59Multi-coloured sausage mobile.
38:01With disco ball.
38:02Uh-huh.
38:03Kids love that.
38:04So you're babysitting?
38:05I am babysitting, yeah.
38:07What I'm doing is sending the duck to a happy sleep.
38:12And he's dreaming the word thank you.
38:15He liked it, did he?
38:16I think so.
38:17But if you want to close that now so that I can get him actually to full sleep, deep sleep.
38:22Sure.
38:23Sorry to disturb you.
38:24That's all right.
38:25Pfft!
38:26Pfft!
38:27Pfft!
38:28Pfft!
38:29I'd like to see the baby.
38:31Do you want to...?
38:32OK.
38:33Pfft!
38:34Pfft!
38:35Pfft!
38:36Pfft!
38:37Pfft!
38:38Pfft!
38:39Oh.
38:40Yeah.
38:41Beautiful baby.
38:43APPLAUSE
38:44Pfft!
38:45Pfft!
38:46Pfft!
38:47I'm no expert in how one soothes the duck.
38:52Pfft!
38:53Pfft!
38:54Well, I hit upon the idea that the duck would enjoy the sound of something that was similar
39:00to a duck quacking.
39:01But it...oh!
39:02So that was what I was trying to do.
39:03I thought it sounded a bit like a duck whistle which famously draw the ducks out to be shot.
39:07Yeah.
39:08Well, it was a bit of both, I think.
39:11Sounding bad and then it being revealed to me.
39:13Quite a charming thing.
39:14Now, do you think that the sort of nice element of Sanjeev's attempt
39:19was somewhat compromised by it being revealed that the baby
39:22was, in fact, a beheaded old woman?
39:26All babies are beautiful.
39:28Yes. Yes.
39:30They are.
39:31Even those who are old without a body.
39:33Well, they have old faces and no body, but they change, they grow.
39:39They grow a body.
39:41You don't have to.
39:43I don't have to.
39:44I did see my nieces when they were babies
39:46and they definitely didn't just look like a head.
39:51It's a really tough one to score, this.
39:53Well, there's a bit of maths.
39:54I guess you can tell me how disgusting you found them all
39:56and then how nice you found them all.
39:57Yeah, OK.
39:58So, Ania, what's her disgustingness score out of ten, Greg?
40:01Er, well, it sounded absolutely disgusting, nine.
40:03Nine?
40:04Yeah.
40:05Terrific.
40:06And the niceness?
40:07Well, she says she's having a nice time,
40:08so I must take her word for it,
40:09but I didn't enjoy watching it, so seven.
40:11Cool.
40:12Nine times seven.
40:17So, Ania, 63.
40:19Maisie.
40:20OK.
40:21The cocktail looked absolutely delicious.
40:22Oh, it was, yeah.
40:23It was lovely.
40:24Yeah, it looked like you're having a lovely time.
40:25So that...
40:26..means the delicious nine.
40:29Yeah, but no way does that cocktail involve those noises.
40:33A person being horribly attacked.
40:35Two.
40:36Two!
40:37Two times nine.
40:38Two.
40:39Right, so we've got high and low.
40:4063, 18.
40:41Phil.
40:42Let's get complicated.
40:43Phil.
40:44Let's go all the way up the line.
40:45Wow, the noises were awful.
40:46Horrible, disgusting.
40:47Nine.
40:48And then, when it was revealed,
40:49he was having the time of his life.
40:50Yep.
40:51And he's northern, so why not pump your feet in gravy?
40:54I'm not from the north, but I presume it's great.
40:56They squat and they, er...
40:58They squat?
40:59Yeah.
41:00I'm venturing by you saying they squat.
41:02I just think it's important for everybody.
41:04What do people from the north do?
41:06They squat and they lick.
41:08You know that.
41:09So it's nine times...
41:13Eight.
41:14Eight.
41:15Which is...
41:19But I do know my eight times table.
41:22Nine times eight is 72.
41:24Yeah.
41:25But you're doing that little smug thing like I don't know my times table.
41:28I'll fuck you up, mate.
41:30I'll fuck you up.
41:31How about that?
41:32Do you understand those maths?
41:35Fucking great.
41:39Two snakes.
41:40It's three snakes.
41:41I could tell he was blowing a trumpet.
41:43It didn't sound that disgusting.
41:44Seven.
41:45Seven for...
41:46The reveal.
41:47I don't know ducks, but there was a bubble coming out of his head.
41:49Eight.
41:50We know eight times seven, don't we?
41:51We all know eight times seven.
41:52We all know eight times seven!
41:58Don't we?
41:59Yeah.
42:00What is it?
42:01It's loads.
42:04Phil, what's eight times seven?
42:05Well, I mean, but what is a number, you know?
42:07No.
42:08No.
42:09No.
42:10Good?
42:11OK, so we've got Sanjeev.
42:12Yeah.
42:13Well, it sounded absolutely disgusting.
42:15Great.
42:16Like a nine.
42:17Nine, disgusting.
42:18Niceness!
42:19Erm, I don't know why I'm charmed by it.
42:20Nine.
42:21Whoa!
42:2281 for Sanjeev!
42:23There we go.
42:24That's good.
42:30Mate, you've got 18, your score, so that's one point.
42:33In fourth place, it's Reece, with 56 as your score, so that's two points.
42:38Anya, you're in third place, you've scored 63, three points.
42:42Phil, 72, four points for Sanjeev, gets a full five points with 81.
42:46Well done, Sanjeev.
42:49All right, everybody, will you make your way to the stage for this series first?
42:53Final task of the show!
42:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:05Hello, young fella, my lad.
43:07Hi, Greg.
43:08Who will be reading the task out?
43:10Er, Sanjeev will, please.
43:12Ah.
43:13End up on your spot.
43:16You must obey the taskmaster's instructions.
43:19Closest person to their spot at the end of the task wins.
43:22So, it's quite a simple task.
43:24They're all standing on spots.
43:25At the end of the task, you need to be as close to your spot as possible.
43:29I have the health and safety whistle.
43:31If there's danger, I'll blow it.
43:32Please stop.
43:35First instruction, please.
43:37Completely cover your eyes.
43:41Using one of these.
43:44Pop these on.
43:45Nice and tight, please, guys.
43:47Nice and tight.
43:48Nice and tight.
43:51Are they complete? Are they complete?
43:54I don't need to worry about one of Sanjeev's eyes fell off.
43:58OK.
43:59March on the spot until the end of the task.
44:02So, that means whatever happens, you must keep marching.
44:07Spin 360 degrees.
44:10Continue to march on the spot, but with higher knees.
44:26Just, er, just, er, just be careful.
44:28Just be careful.
44:29Just be careful.
44:30Take two big steps backwards.
44:40That's plenty, Sanjeev.
44:41That's plenty, Sanjeev.
44:42Funny.
44:43Lovely.
44:44Next instruction, please.
44:45Take two nice big steps to the left.
44:49LAUGHTER
44:51Oh, Macy.
44:54You're fine.
44:55You're fine.
44:56You're fine.
44:57You're fine.
44:58Take two nice big steps forward.
45:06LAUGHTER
45:07Forward.
45:08Forward.
45:09Forward.
45:10That's fine.
45:11You're right.
45:12You're actually right.
45:13You're right.
45:14You're right.
45:15Take two nice wide steps to the right.
45:22Go back a bit, mate.
45:26Up back.
45:27Up back.
45:28That's it.
45:29Where's the edge?
45:30Nothing, don't worry.
45:31Don't worry.
45:32Keep marching.
45:33Jump quite high.
45:35Twice.
45:40March on the spot, flamboyantly.
45:49Stop.
45:50Please freeze in those positions.
45:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:55Was it all a dream?
45:57How do I end up facing that way?
45:59LAUGHTER
46:00We'll score those and we'll add it to your final scores.
46:03Come down here and join me!
46:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09Wow, wow, wow.
46:10Genuinely dangerous.
46:11Yes.
46:12They should have been wearing protective clothing.
46:13They should.
46:14Or we should have put a mat down.
46:15Or we should have thought it through more.
46:16Still...
46:17LAUGHTER
46:18The thing was, they were meant to stay on their spot.
46:19They didn't really do that.
46:20Reece, you were the furthest.
46:21You get one point at the end of that.
46:22Phil, two points.
46:23Sanjeev, you came third, three points.
46:24Second place.
46:25Maisie, four points.
46:26And you were the closest at the end.
46:27You get the full five points!
46:28Well done!
46:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31And so, it's a tighter first episode than some of us were expecting at the beginning.
46:44At the bottom, it's Sanjeev with 12 points.
46:46But our first winner with 19 points, it's Maisie Adam!
46:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:52Maisie Adam wins!
46:54Please go and celebrate with some soft things I would benefit from having,
46:57but I'm not getting!
46:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:02APPLAUSE
47:04MUSIC
47:08MUSIC
47:09MUSIC
47:10MUSIC
47:12MUSIC
47:13MUSIC
47:14MUSIC
47:16MUSIC
47:17MUSIC
47:29MUSIC
47:47MUSIC
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