- 4 months ago
Taskmaster.S20E01
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00Oh, no!
00:06Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:19Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:25There.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Hello! Thank you!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster,
00:37a set of challenges presided over by a temperamental dictator.
00:40It's a sort of upbeat North Korea.
00:42And I'm Kim Yong-Fung.
00:49Let's meet our citizens for the first time.
00:52They are...
00:53Anya Magliano!
00:56Maisie Adam!
00:58Phil Ellis!
01:00Reece Shearsmith!
01:02And Sanjeev Bhaskar!
01:07And next to me,
01:08a man who I once thought I saw riding on the back of a baby elephant
01:12with a tiny trunk to discover he simply had no trousers on.
01:18It's...
01:19It's...
01:21Little Alex Horne!
01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:25Yeah.
01:27Hello, everyone. It's lovely to be here. It's lovely to see you, Greg.
01:29I actually think you're great.
01:30Thanks.
01:31Thanks, man.
01:32But I do think I can help.
01:34With a couple of enhancements.
01:36On the count of three, would you mind smiling?
01:38One, two, three.
01:39No!
01:41No?
01:43I can do...
01:44I can do a couple of these.
01:46How about doing a nice big blink to camera?
01:48A blink?
01:49A blink.
01:50One, two, three.
01:52Yeah.
01:53Snare.
01:54Snare drum.
01:55Open your mouth.
01:56One, two, three.
01:58LAUGHTER
02:00Yeah?
02:01Yeah.
02:02Yeah.
02:03By your standards, not bad.
02:05OK, here we go.
02:06What's the first prize task of this series, little Alex Horne?
02:10Well, my guy, today you asked him quite specifically to bring in
02:14a very soft thing which would be most beneficial for Greg Davis.
02:19OK, so the very soft thing Greg thinks he'd find most beneficial
02:22will get the full five points, then the winner of the episode
02:25will take home all five very soft things even though they're
02:27intended to benefit Greg, but Greg won't mind as it's bound
02:30to be a great big bunch of crap.
02:32Thanks very much.
02:34Over and out.
02:35OK, Anya, welcome.
02:38What soft thing did you bring me?
02:40I brought you a bum cushion.
02:42OK.
02:46It doesn't look unlike my bum.
02:50So I made it extra soft because I added some cat hair on it.
02:54From my cats, Chicken and Rickon.
02:57Chicken and Rickon.
02:58Now, the problem for you and your bald cats is I am profoundly
03:02allergic to cats.
03:03Oh, no!
03:05What I will say is this, at least you've made an effort.
03:08The people I get angry with are the people who haven't made
03:10an effort.
03:11Yeah, when we got them spayed, I said, can I keep the hair?
03:14Because they had to shave some of them to put like an injection in.
03:17Oh, that's lovely.
03:18Yeah.
03:19So this hair is just before they had their wounds removed.
03:23It's from the really special zones.
03:25Ah, great.
03:26Which you might not be allergic to that.
03:29Well, I've never...
03:33I've never put that to the test.
03:34But never say never.
03:36Yeah.
03:38Maisie.
03:39Er...
03:40Buh, buh, buh.
03:41I'm sorry.
03:42Small talk.
03:43How are you?
03:44Very well, thanks, Greg.
03:45How are you?
03:46What have you brought in?
03:51I've brought in a manly bonnet for you.
03:54I'm concerned about banging your head on things, what with your...
03:57Extraordinary height.
03:58Extraordinary height, yeah.
03:59Here it is.
04:00Maisie's bonnet.
04:01So you've got...
04:04I didn't want you to feel emasculated by wearing a bonnet,
04:06so I've stuck loads of manly things on it.
04:09Oh, that's nice.
04:10Yeah.
04:11Er, barbecue on the top.
04:12Lovely.
04:13A bit of weight, toolbox.
04:15A couple bottles of beers for the lads.
04:18My dad's quite tall and he always hits the top of his head
04:21and it scabs over.
04:23And what better to protect it than a miniature barbecue?
04:29I really like it.
04:30Wow.
04:31You're welcome.
04:32I've got nothing negative to say
04:33and I'm not allergic to any of those things.
04:35Phil?
04:36What is the softest thing in the universe?
04:39And we all know that is the hands and voices of the elderly.
04:44So...
04:46So I thought if I just, like, pop these on,
04:48these elderly people's hands, though.
04:51Yeah.
04:52They fit like a glove.
04:53I mean, that's perfect, innit?
04:54Yeah.
04:55So I thought...
04:57It's like...
04:58If you just enjoy the...
04:59If we play the cassette...
05:00Yeah, you ready...
05:01Of a softly-spoken elderly lady...
05:02Here is the elderly lady talking now.
05:05Hello, Greg.
05:06You're such a wonderful person.
05:09We're all so proud of you.
05:11Such a big, strong, beefy boy.
05:15Good, innit?
05:17Is that an old lady?
05:18It is an old lady, yes.
05:19Well, it's the oldest one I could find.
05:23Erm, I found it quite distressing.
05:26I think if you'd brought an old lady on,
05:28maybe it would have been more beneficial.
05:30I know.
05:31It's weird, though.
05:32No-one would come with me.
05:33Yeah.
05:35Rhys, what did you bring us?
05:36Erm, my first question is, are you allergic to feathers?
05:39I am.
05:42Right, well, moving on.
05:44Let's imagine I'm not.
05:45I have created for you...
05:48..a fortune-telling raven.
05:52Didn't I say? That's what I was hoping for.
05:54Here is the fortune-telling raven.
06:00There it is.
06:01Every morning, we'll give you a prediction for the events of that day.
06:05Raven!
06:07Tell me my fortune.
06:12There it is, look.
06:13Pick one up for you.
06:14What's it?
06:16You will leave the iron on.
06:21Greg, you've got to leave and get home.
06:24Yeah, like I iron.
06:28Christ, none of these are rubbish.
06:30You must be feeling the heat, aren't you, Sanjay?
06:32Totally.
06:33I've gone, um, incredibly practical.
06:36Here it is.
06:37Nice big blanket.
06:38Do you see?
06:40And there it is.
06:42And there he is.
06:43Made from...
06:44The contestant who grabbed something on his way to the show.
06:49It's electric.
06:51Oh!
06:52It warms up.
06:53Wait a moment.
06:54It's made from the finest cat...
06:55Er, sheep hair.
06:58Or wool, as I believe some people call it.
07:01No, because I thought...
07:02You know, because you are tall, you feel the cold quicker than anyone else.
07:07OK.
07:08You've seen five quite soft things.
07:10Yeah.
07:11Other people have made stuff.
07:12So I have to punish you, because you didn't make it.
07:13I'm...
07:14Sorry, you didn't ask me whether I made it or not.
07:15Yeah, I know, but...
07:16You made a huge assumption that I made it.
07:19Picked it up on the way here.
07:22I've been knitting and bolting that thing together.
07:25For months.
07:27Right, well, does that change things?
07:28No!
07:31The thing I want, second least, is to have latex gloves rubbed over my face.
07:38Two points to fill.
07:39Next, I want to sit on a doughnut of cat hair.
07:43Three points.
07:44And then we're up to the big two.
07:45I want the raven most.
07:47Maisie, four points.
07:48Reece, five points.
07:49There we go.
07:50I want that raven.
07:53We're off to a trying start.
07:55Let's get going.
07:56What's the first task proper?
07:57You're going to love this one, Greg, because it involves your two favourite things.
08:01One, basic technology.
08:02Two.
08:03Two, me standing next to a table looking all mysterious and macho.
08:22Hello.
08:24Oh, no, sorry, the clock!
08:25What do I do?
08:28Hiya.
08:30What?
08:31What?
08:32What?
08:33Why are you timing it?
08:34What?
08:35Hello, hello.
08:39Hi.
08:40Hello.
08:42Oh, God.
08:44Speak!
08:46Hello.
08:47What?
08:48You all right?
08:49What's the task?
08:50Well, I can't see any kind of task written down here.
08:53Hmm.
08:54So I'm just going to hit you with this.
08:58Is a task anywhere?
08:59Do I have to find the task?
09:00No.
09:01Are we against the clock?
09:02Yes.
09:04What do you want me to do?
09:05Is there anything different about me, Reece?
09:06Well, you've got that on.
09:07Yeah.
09:08Yeah.
09:09Do you know what it is?
09:10Yes, it's one of those things where you pay at restaurants.
09:17I don't know what you call those things.
09:18Yes, it's a QR code.
09:19QR code, that's it, yeah.
09:21Do I have to have a phone to scan it?
09:23Mm-hm.
09:24Unless you can do them with your eyes.
09:25I can't do them with my eyes yet.
09:27Do I need my phone?
09:28Yes.
09:31Can I not use this to scan your QR code?
09:33Have you not got one of these?
09:34No, back in my room.
09:35Well, go and get it, then.
09:36Oh, Alex!
09:38I have a phone in another room.
09:39Ah.
09:40Should I get it?
09:41You might need it.
09:42OK.
09:44I've got to look for it in this room.
09:45Your telephone.
09:46My telephone?
09:47Your telephone.
09:48Why do you keep saying toilet telephone?
09:50My telephone.
09:51Do you have a telephone?
09:52No, not on me.
09:53Right.
09:54Do you want me to go and get one?
09:55Where is it?
09:56My telephone.
09:57Your telephone.
09:58My telephone.
09:59Yeah, your telephone.
10:01Well, what do you mean?
10:03I don't have one around me.
10:04I mean, I've got my mobile phone.
10:05Oh.
10:06Private to me.
10:07You want me to bring it into this room?
10:08Well, you need to scan that somehow.
10:09Well, other than I have to go and get it, don't I?
10:11I suppose so.
10:12Sorry to argue.
10:16Share your phone!
10:18What?
10:22Clever boy.
10:23Right.
10:24I mean, it's fascinating because there's such a range of ages amongst the five of you.
10:34But my initial impression is that was like watching footage of the distressed residents in a care house.
10:44The age range is extraordinary, this series.
10:45For the first time it's 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and up we go.
10:48It is.
10:51I think if the staff were looking after these pensioners, Rhys would be the one that they dread looking after.
10:58The most.
10:59The most.
11:00You can almost hear the staff going, will you go and deal with this?
11:04He's really on one today.
11:06But when do we get our medication?
11:08You know there's going to be dispatches about this and you will all be revealed, your cruelty will be revealed.
11:16I was left on the stairs last night.
11:18I was left on the stairs.
11:19And I was left on the stairs.
11:20I was left on the stairs.
11:21I was left on the stairs.
11:24Let's crack on.
11:25OK.
11:26It's QR versus AR.
11:27Anya and Rhys.
11:29Why don't you just sit?
11:34Oh, buff.
11:43Come here.
11:44No.
11:49Come here.
11:50I need to scan your test.
11:52I don't feel good about this.
12:07Right.
12:08I'm there.
12:09No, no.
12:10I've got my passcode.
12:11Keep still.
12:12I don't want to keep still.
12:13I need to go that way.
12:14You can't.
12:17I still have a dice game open on my phone.
12:22Keep still.
12:23I don't want to keep still.
12:24You've got to.
12:25I don't want to.
12:26Oh, he's back.
12:28Come here.
12:29I don't want to.
12:32Keep still.
12:33I don't want to.
12:34For God's sake.
12:35Oh, I nearly got it.
12:37I don't want to.
12:38I don't want to do it.
12:39Oh, no.
12:40God.
12:41Oh, no.
12:50Honk the horn, fastest begins, your time started when you said your first word.
12:57I've stopped the clock.
13:00I've stopped the clock!
13:01That was so fun, I feel so alive.
13:03Can we go again?
13:05I can't.
13:15Annie, you looked like you were genuinely enjoying running around.
13:18You don't get to chase someone very often in your life.
13:20And you were really enjoying being chased.
13:22Course I was, yeah.
13:24It's the build-up.
13:25It was actually quite slippy, so I couldn't go at top speed.
13:30And if I had my time again, I would go at top speed.
13:34I'm sorry you never got to go at top speed.
13:36Did you enjoy that, Rhys?
13:39Um, no.
13:40No?
13:41I found it frustrating because he wouldn't stop.
13:43And I guess that's the point.
13:45That's the point, right?
13:46Rhys, you're twice as old as Anya and twice as slow, it turns out.
13:50Anya, 2 minutes 29.
13:52Rhys, 5 minutes and 5 seconds.
13:54But she wasn't even at top speed.
13:56Imagine.
13:58OK, that's the first part through.
14:00But as my doctor said in a recent health screening,
14:03after a break, I'm going to need to get a glove
14:05and really get amongst it.
14:15Hello!
14:16Welcome back to the second part of the show
14:18and the second part of the series.
14:20The current task is to get the horn, scan the horn, then honk the horn.
14:24Now, let's see how the final three got on.
14:26It's Maisie and Phil who both understand the concept of fastest wins.
14:30Plus, Sanjeev Bhaskar.
14:32There you are, you little bugger.
14:42Come here, let me spank you.
14:44You are coding.
14:45Oh, he's got a big one on the back.
14:47This is brilliant!
14:48This is brilliant!
14:49I know how to get it.
14:50He likes music, doesn't he?
14:51I know how to get it.
14:52He likes music, doesn't he?
14:53I know how to get it.
14:54He likes music, doesn't he?
14:57I know how to get it.
14:58He likes music, doesn't he?
15:02I know how to get it.
15:03He likes music, doesn't he?
15:04I've got it in the wrong bloody setting now.
15:05Do you get it in the wrong setting?
15:06I'm finding my mother.
15:07I'm still on the wrong bloody setting.
15:08I'm still on the wrong bloody setting.
15:09I've got it in the wrong bloody setting now.
15:10Do you get it in the wrong setting?
15:11I'm finding my mother.
15:12I'm still on the wrong bloody setting.
15:14Come on!
15:19You're gonna be speaking.
15:20I know how to get it.
15:22He likes music, doesn't he?
15:24You got it in the wrong bloody setting now.
15:27Do you get it in the wrong setting?
15:29I'm finding my mother.
15:30I'm still on the wrong bloody setting.
15:39Come on.
15:41Don't be scared.
15:43You like instruments, don't you?
15:46Come on.
15:50Alex!
15:52Fucking hell.
15:55I think he's on a loop.
15:57He needs to block his path.
16:05There's one or two things I can hit you with.
16:08Right.
16:09Where's your telephone?
16:10It's in my pocket.
16:11Right, how are you going to...?
16:12What?
16:16Ow, bastard!
16:18I'm deep.
16:21Now...
16:22Say hello to the ostrich.
16:24I don't want to.
16:30I think I've just beheaded a gargoyle.
16:32I'm really sorry.
16:34I've got him!
16:37Oh, shit, I'm on airplane mode!
16:41Do you have to use QR codes?
16:43It's just giving me a little yellow light on it, which is not the thing.
16:48No, it is a thing.
16:49Oh, is it?
16:50Yeah.
16:51Stay!
16:52I don't want to.
16:53Still!
16:54Stay!
16:55I'm really strong, Alex!
16:58Shoot!
16:59No!
17:00Honk the horn!
17:01Fast as wings!
17:02Oh, you fast!
17:03I've honked your horn!
17:04Honk the horn!
17:05Honk the horn!
17:06Honk the horn!
17:07Fast as wings!
17:08Oh, you fast!
17:09I've honked your horn!
17:10Honk the horn!
17:12I should've done this.
17:14Yeah, I've sort of done that at the bloody beginning.
17:16Yeah, I've sort of done that.
17:17Yeah, I've sort of done that.
17:18So, what I worked down for you during that is, um, good to see someone who knows he can't win this having fun.
17:31Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's so early on, isn't it, and yet it's so obvious.
17:37You were having the time of your life, weren't you?
17:39Come here, you little bugger, I'm going to spank you.
17:42I didn't hear that, but...
17:44OK.
17:45You said that.
17:46Oh, yeah, well...
17:47That wasn't me saying that to you, Phil.
17:51And it wasn't destructive, there wasn't £40 worth of damage.
17:56That gargoyle!
17:58Yes, that gargoyle.
17:59What...
18:00Right.
18:01OK.
18:02Sorry.
18:04What I will say is, I'd forgotten I'd worn such big pants.
18:09There's nothing wrong with a big pant, my friend.
18:12Well, my leggings, they didn't come in my length, so they only reached round my bum.
18:18Are you saying your trousers were riding down?
18:20I didn't notice.
18:21Did you notice?
18:22Yeah, I noticed.
18:23Of course I noticed.
18:24I mean, I still enjoyed watching you running around breathlessly with you.
18:28I was not breathless, thank you.
18:29Sorry.
18:30I was firing top speed, but with saggy pants, so...
18:34Sanjeev, erm...
18:35I was going at top speed.
18:37I wasn't holding back.
18:41Have you genuinely, in real life, had a phone for long?
18:45A phone?
18:46A phone, yeah.
18:47A telephone?
18:48A telephone.
18:49Yes, a telephone.
18:50Yes, I think, you know, in that moment, I didn't know whether you wanted me to...
18:54I think.
18:55To know how to use your own phone?
18:56Yes.
18:57I have people who do that for me.
19:00Love it.
19:01The nurses.
19:02Shall I tell you some times?
19:06Tell me some times.
19:07I can't imagine any of them are good.
19:09Phil did find a horn and lure me out with another horn.
19:12Wow.
19:13At 1 minute 37.
19:14That was his first honk of another horn.
19:15We didn't say which horn he had to honk.
19:17So, Phil, 1.37.
19:18Suddenly he's overtaken, Anja, who's lagging at 2 minutes 29.
19:20So slow.
19:21Reece, 5 minutes 5.
19:22Maisie, quicker, 4 minutes 22.
19:24More than twice as long as everyone else.
19:25Sanjeev, 10 minutes 16.
19:26Yes!
19:27However, there's also one extra video to watch.
19:30Ooh.
19:31Hiya.
19:32What?
19:33What?
19:34What?
19:35Why are you timing it?
19:36What?
19:37What?
19:38What?
19:39Why are you timing it?
19:40What?
19:41What?
19:42What?
19:43What?
19:44What?
19:45What?
19:46What?
19:47What?
19:48What?
19:49What?
19:50What?
19:51What's amazing is we literally didn't need to show any of that footage of your trousers falling down.
20:10It is one point, Sanjeev, two to Reith, three to Anja, four to Phil and five to Maisie Adam.
20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:19Shall we see our first scoreboard, Jim Trellamalat?
20:22Of course.
20:23At one end, consistency himself.
20:24Sanjeev's got two points.
20:25At the other, Maisie's got nine points.
20:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:31Right.
20:32What's next to Valetone?
20:33Ooh.
20:34Well, it's time to task with a target.
20:36We've found a big space.
20:37We've got some big balls.
20:38We're going to have some big fun.
20:40MUSIC PLAYS
20:57Do you know what I'm doing?
20:59Max Schreck as Nosferatu.
21:01I thought you looked like a penguin.
21:041921 classic.
21:06Looks like a penguin.
21:10You're quite far away.
21:11So are you.
21:16Roll an object onto the target.
21:18You must release your object from behind this line.
21:22You may not move the line or target.
21:25And you may not affect your object after release.
21:29You must use the first type of object you touch
21:32and can have three attempts with that type of object.
21:35And must not go within Greg's height of the target.
21:44What?
21:45Closest to the centre of the target wins.
21:48You have 15 minutes.
21:51Your time starts now.
21:53What?
21:54How do I know how tall Greg is?
21:56Lying down.
21:57Or standing up.
21:58Or...
21:59Ah.
22:07And is it a game of curling?
22:09Ah, well, we invented it, but yeah.
22:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:11Right, well, let's crack on.
22:12OK, well, it's a tricky task,
22:13but there's 15 minutes,
22:15so plenty of time to plan, etc.
22:17Or I guess you could just get it done and go home.
22:19It's Maisie, and yes, it's Sanjeev.
22:24So, the first type of object you touch...
22:32We're quite heavy.
22:36I think that means you're touching it, Sanjeev.
22:38Well, no, I didn't touch that.
22:39I think you touched the tyre.
22:41Yeah.
22:42Come on then.
22:45Oh!
22:46Very ice.
22:55Ice.
22:56We're going to go ice.
22:57Good for length.
22:58Uh...
22:59Yeah.
23:00The line was a bit off.
23:18That hit a camera.
23:19Yes!
23:20Brilliant.
23:21Oh!
23:22Oh!
23:27Oh!
23:28Oh!
23:29Oh!
23:30Oh!
23:35Oh!
23:39Happy event?
23:40Absolutely delighted, Alex.
23:42Alex so so another time zone that one I've got one more what have you learned
23:54from the first two absolutely nothing great didn't have come
23:59oh charlotte have the door great that's near Windsor
24:14are you gonna like doc like you know take a picture just because they're gonna melt
24:25in a minute yeah we're filming a lot of this
24:37I mean basically that that final shot there was no sign you'd ever been part of
24:43this metaphor for the futility of luck the thing is that I get the rules which
24:49you know the first thing you touch but I was just moving it up a bit I wasn't
24:53kind of like or choosing or as some would say touch it may interpret it that
24:59way this is the most sense we've seen you make I had a method I was like let's see
25:05what what weighs more cuz wait yeah wait is to do with distance and something yeah
25:10of course wait famously waits to do it right we're at the halfway point now and
25:17as my doctor said in a recent checkup let's just stop for a little breather I
25:21wasn't expecting it to be such a mess down there
25:24it's the start of part three and our new competitors are trying to stop their
25:40objects as close as possible to the middle of the target three people left to go
25:45are they actually good at sport despite their appearances it's Anya Reese and Phil
25:50I'm going to try to make it easy by going dead center big ball first I'm going to use these
25:58little balls to make a thoroughfare oh first summer felt like I've got a good idea right you have to use that now
26:10you're going exercise ball I'm thinking if I set up a buffer zone behind it nice
26:26it's really stinky we didn't know they were there okay far too much power
26:41okay good to know do me a favor and put your foot on there for me please Alex thank you
26:48okay it's all about what I pick now I'm gonna do this one yes you are
27:18it's no good that was disappointing
27:29let's go
27:31a bit of shit wasn't it
27:43the principal worked
27:45good luck thank you
28:14THEY CONFER
28:21Is it going to bounce back? It's not, is it?
28:24Do you know what happened? The sellotape stopped it.
28:2725 seconds. This is your last go.
28:29THEY CONFER
28:31THEY CONFER
28:35THEY CONFER
28:41THEY CONFER
28:43THEY CONFER
28:50Yes, yes, yes.
28:59It's on the target.
29:02THEY CONFER
29:04It would have thought it would be that simple.
29:07Wiring
29:09Oh, that's strange if you don't know if it went on.
29:12APPLAUSE
29:14Rhys, what was that device you created? What was it meant to do?
29:18No, initially, I thought I could slow the ball down with the sellotape.
29:22Like, when you see it in America, where they pull spikes across
29:25and the cars get their... their things punctured.
29:28It all fell down when I accidentally touched the wrong thing.
29:32He's quite calm and softly spoken in the studio, isn't he?
29:36Mm. But when he got across with his catapult,
29:39you went more northern than you've been for the whole show.
29:42And that was me doing that!
29:47A real latent rage.
29:49I thought Phil's worked amazingly well.
29:52And I think Anya's would have worked as well
29:54if she was capable of rolling a ball in the correct direction.
29:58I mean, incredibly, she is worse than Sanjeev, no offence.
30:04I feel like you're ganging up on me.
30:06Yeah. Yeah, you are.
30:09Well, I can show you where all their objects ended up.
30:12In fifth place, Anya's was the furthest away, 22 badges.
30:15Fourth, Sanjeev, 10 badges.
30:17We're doing the badges.
30:18Reece, seven badges.
30:19Phil, two and a half badges.
30:20But the winner with five points, one and a half badges,
30:22Maisie Adam!
30:24Look at him!
30:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:28Let's have another class, please.
30:30Right you are.
30:31And just like our infamous camping trip together,
30:33this one involves being disgusting in a caravan.
30:36Hello?
30:37Hello.
30:38Hi.
30:39Oh, hi, Reece.
30:42Hi, Alex.
30:43Welcome to the caravan.
30:44Thank you for having me in the caravan.
30:45The caravan.
30:46The caravan.
30:47The caravan.
30:48The caravan.
30:49The caravan.
30:50The caravan.
30:51Oh, yeah, it's caravan.
30:52You've been having a lovely time.
30:53You have?
30:54Oh, good.
30:55You?
30:56Err...
30:57It's all right.
30:59It's all right.
31:12I mean, you know, what do you compare it with?
31:15You compare it with kind of the worst times in your life and you go,
31:18I'm having a great time.
31:20And then you compare it with some of the best times in your life
31:22times in your life and you go this is shit yeah okay yeah do you mind me saying you suit the
31:29caravan I actually do know what you mean I was going to be insulted but then I was like he's
31:36completely right do something behind this curtain that sounds disgusting but is actually really
31:46nice highest D by n wins where D is your disgusting the score out of 10 and n is your niceness score
31:58out of 10 so the swing-o-meter of what how horrible it sounds compared to the reality of how nice it is
32:05there are more points involved in such a situation is that great that's very well put thank you you
32:11have 15 minutes your time starts now okay so it's behind this yeah if you don't mind all right
32:19little privacy I'll be waiting you're not coming with me to look at it you want me to no
32:32you really do suit that caravan
32:34no you don't know why are you getting so angry about this the way Alex said it was quite like
32:46I'm gonna try and get in your head live in there is a worm yeah eating away at your brain so in the end
32:56you can't even roll a ball in a straight line ready stop god yes yuck and vomit it's Anya Maisie and Phil
33:06okay I'm starting my attempt are you having a nice time yeah I'm gonna reveal you
33:26it's really tasty I'm gonna cover you up again are you sure you don't want to suck a bill okay I was
33:43just looking through in the kitchen there yeah looking for all sorts of various things that I
33:48might be able to use and then oh oh oh yeah okay yeah I'm gonna open the curtains don't come in save yourself
34:11just making you a nice fruit smoothie Alex you're doing it quite violently yeah I would like a little
34:22bit of the drink to see if it's nice oh I'm so sorry well thank you oh nice hmm very nice okay
34:41are you all right to keep doing it for a bit your calf muscles I need to know what it is you're doing
34:51I'm gonna have a look here I come what are you doing what does it look like I'm doing I'm rubbing my
35:05feet in gravy in a mixture of chocolate sauce and crumbled up non-product specific biscuits I'm having a
35:13bloody great time nice lovely lovely right caravan girl when the curtain went back I mean you you were
35:31eating yogurt with your fingers no it wasn't yogurt oh was it it was whipped cream and sugar but it was
35:37really tasty and I ate it for quite a long time this is where it's tricky see because if it was nice
35:43for you yeah I'll have to take your word for it it wasn't nice watching you that with your fingers Alex
35:48told me that you would be really jealous of it oh oh did he Phil's is tricky because what I'm learning
35:56about Phil is he's so upbeat about everything he's sort of said anything has been nice really I think
36:01he genuinely was having a wonderful time I was yeah I mean I I would have been doing that if I
36:07wasn't on the show anyway was it warm gravy didn't know that's why we fell a bit short it was I could
36:13feel the granules between my toes your noise lady where it got sinister and I wrote it down was when you
36:20shouted please stop I think I'm now realizing that the two things have to be the same I just pretended
36:29to be attacked and then made a cocktail okay let's stop once again as my dogs have said to me it's a
36:39recent checkup just one final push left relax loosen up a bit hey stop squirming nurse nurse help me he
36:47keeps biting
36:57welcome back to the final part of the show where the cast are tricking us into thinking they're being
37:03disgusting the final attempts come from two neighbors over there it's Sanjeev from number 42 and
37:08Rhys from number nine you're okay in there Rhys yeah hello Sanjeev
37:15yeah I'm gonna have a look at you okay I want to check you're okay okay I'm gonna come and have a look
37:41okay be prepared it's not disgusting
37:56a little baby in there yes multi-colored sausage mobile with disco ball uh-huh kids love that
38:03so you're babysitting I am babysitting yeah what I'm doing is sending the duck to a happy sleep and
38:12he's dreaming the word thank you he liked it did he I think so much but if you want to close that now
38:19so that I can get him actually to fall for sure full sleep deep sleep sorry to disturb you that's all right all right
38:28I'd like to see the baby do you want us okay
38:32oh yeah beautiful baby thank you
38:47I'm no expert in how one soothes the duck
38:51well I hit upon the idea that the duck would enjoy the sound of something that was similar to a duck quacking
39:00but it oh so that was what I was trying to do
39:02I thought it sounded a bit like a duck whistle which famously draw the ducks out to be shot
39:06yes yeah
39:08well it was a bit of both I think sounding bad and then it being revealed to be quite a charming thing
39:13now do you think that the nice element of Sanjeev's attempt was somewhat compromised by it being revealed that the baby was in fact a beheaded old woman
39:25all babies are beautiful
39:28yes
39:29yes
39:30they are
39:31even those who are old without a body
39:32well
39:33they have old faces and no body but they change they grow they grow a body
39:39they
39:41you don't have to
39:42you don't have to
39:43I don't have to
39:44I did see my nieces when they were babies and they definitely didn't just look like a head
39:50it's a really tough one to score this
39:52well there's a bit of math so I guess you can tell me how disgusting you found them all and then how nice you found them all
39:56yeah okay
39:57so Ania
39:58what's her disgustingness score out of ten Greg
40:00er well it sounded absolutely disgusting nine
40:02nine
40:03yeah
40:04terrific and the niceness
40:05well she says she's having a nice time so I must take her word for it
40:08but I didn't enjoy watching it so seven
40:10cool
40:11nine times seven
40:16so Ania 63
40:18Maisie
40:19okay
40:20the cocktail looked absolutely delicious
40:22oh it was yeah
40:23it was lovely
40:24yeah
40:25it looked like you're having a lovely time so that
40:26it's a delicious nine
40:27thank you
40:28yeah but
40:29no way does that cocktail involve those noises
40:32a person being horribly attacked
40:35two
40:36two times nine
40:37two
40:38two
40:39right so we got high and low
40:4063 18
40:41Phil
40:42let's get all the way up the line this will do it
40:43wow the noises were awful
40:44horrible disgusting nine
40:46nine
40:47and then when it was revealed
40:48he was having the time of his life
40:49yep
40:50and he's northern so why not pump your feet in gravy
40:53I'm not from the north but I presume it's great
40:56they squat and they er
40:57they squat
40:58yeah
40:59I'm venturing by you saying they squat
41:01I do think it's important to remember
41:04what do people from the north do?
41:05they squat and they lick
41:07you know that
41:08so it's nine times
41:11eight
41:13eight
41:14which is
41:15I do know my eight times table
41:20nine times eight is 72
41:22yeah
41:23yeah
41:24so me too
41:25but you're doing that little smug thing like I don't know my times table
41:27I'll fuck you up mate
41:28I'll fuck you up mate
41:29I'll fuck you up
41:30how about that
41:31do you understand those maths
41:33fucking great
41:38who's next?
41:39it's three snakes
41:40I could tell he was blowing a trumpet
41:42it didn't sound that disgusting
41:43seven
41:44seven for
41:45the reveal
41:46I don't know ducks
41:47but there was a bubble coming out of his head
41:48eight
41:49hey we know eight times seven don't we
41:50we all know eight times seven
41:51we all know eight times seven
41:57don't we?
41:58what is it?
41:59it's loads
42:00it's loads
42:03Phil what's eight times seven?
42:04well I mean
42:05but what is a number?
42:06you know like
42:07like
42:08good
42:09good
42:10okay so we've got Sanjeev
42:11yeah
42:12well it sounded absolutely disgusting
42:14great
42:15like a nine
42:16nine disgusting
42:17niceness
42:18erm
42:19I don't know why I'm charmed by it
42:20nine
42:21whoa
42:2281 for Sanjeev
42:23there we go
42:28okay
42:29amazing
42:30you've got 18
42:31your score
42:32so that's one point
42:33in fourth place
42:34it's Reece
42:35with 56
42:36is your score
42:37so that's two points
42:38Anya
42:39you're in third place
42:40you scored 63
42:41three points
42:42Phil
42:4372
42:44four points
42:45for Sanjeev
42:46gets a full five points
42:47with 81
42:48well done Sanjeev
42:49alright everybody
42:50will you make your way to the stage
42:51for this series first
42:52final task of the show
42:54oh
42:55who will be reading the task out?
43:09uh Sanjeev will please
43:11end up on your spot
43:14you must obey the taskmaster's instructions
43:17closest person to their spot
43:19at the end of the task wins
43:21so it's quite a simple task
43:22they're all standing on spots
43:24at the end of the task you need to be as close to your spot as possible
43:27I have the health and safety whistle
43:29if there's danger I'll blow it please stop
43:32first instruction please
43:35completely cover your eyes
43:40using one of these
43:44pop these on
43:45nice and tight please guys
43:46nice and tight
43:50are they complete
43:51are they
43:52what's going on?
43:53I don't need to worry about
43:54one of Sanjeev's eyes fell off
43:56oh
43:57okay
43:58march on the spot
43:59until the end of the task
44:01so that means
44:02whatever happens
44:03you must keep marching
44:06spin
44:07360 degrees
44:13continue to march on the spot
44:15but with higher knees
44:25just uh
44:26just uh
44:27just be careful
44:28just be careful
44:29take
44:31take
44:32two
44:33big steps
44:34backwards
44:39that's plenty Sanjeev
44:40that's plenty Sanjeev
44:43lovely
44:44next instruction please
44:45take two nice big steps
44:47to the left
44:49forward
44:51forward
45:05forward
45:06forward, forward
45:07forward, forward
45:08you're right there
45:09yeah
45:10well
45:11That's why you're right on the edge.
45:17Take two nice, wide steps to the right.
45:29Where's the edge? Nothing, don't worry.
45:31Keep marching. Jump quite high. Twice.
45:35March on the spot flamboyantly.
45:48Stop!
45:50Please freeze in those positions.
45:55Was it all a dream?
45:57How could I end up facing that way?
46:00We'll score those and we'll add it to your final scores.
46:03Come down here and join me!
46:12Wow, wow, wow. Genuinely dangerous.
46:15Yes, they should have been wearing protective clothing.
46:17They should.
46:18Or we should have put a mat down,
46:20or we should have thought it through more.
46:22Still...
46:23The thing was, they were meant to stay on their spot.
46:25They didn't really do that.
46:26Rhys, you were the furthest.
46:27You get one point at the end of that.
46:29Phil, two points. Sanjeev, you came third, three points.
46:31Second place, Maisie, four points.
46:33And you were the closest at the end.
46:34You get the full five points!
46:35Well done!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38And so...
46:39And so it's a tighter first episode
46:41than some of us were expecting at the beginning.
46:43Out of the bottom, it's Sanjeev with 12 points,
46:45but our first winner with 19 points,
46:47it's Maisie Adam!
46:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:50Maisie Adam wins!
46:52Please go and celebrate with some soft things
46:54I would benefit from having, but I'm not getting!
46:57I'm not guessing!
46:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59AND APPLAUSE
47:00AND APPLAUSE
47:01AND APPLAUSE
47:02AND APPLAUSE
47:03AND APPLAUSE
47:04AND APPLAUSE
47:09AND APPLAUSE
47:13AND APPLAUSE
47:14AND APPLAUSE
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