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tvshow9
  • 6/6/2025
Taskmaster.S19E06

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30It's episode six and unlike any of the meals my mother served me throughout my childhood things are really hotting up
00:44They've proved themselves to be resilient clever and unlike any of the food fed to me up until the age of 18
00:50They have just the right amount of spice
00:53Even some salt would have helped for God's sake old woman
00:57But some salt it it tastes of nothing
01:02Sorry
01:20He told me privately that for him sex is like Christmas
01:24Once a year and involves the death of a turkey
01:39Yes, I'm feeling pretty good. I sometimes find this quite stressful the show
01:42Yeah, and now what I've done to help me relax. I've got myself a brand new sex bot. So
01:48The idea was to go back to the room after the show
01:53Get it going and I should just relieve the tension, okay
01:57I've got to say I am genuinely surprised because he doesn't like talking about private things
02:02What do you mean?
02:03What do you mean?
02:04Yeah, anything. Anything sexual, interesting
02:06Sorry, I've got a brand new box set. I've got a brand new box set
02:08I've got a brand new box set
02:10I was happy for you in March of the Penguin, so I'm really looking forward to that
02:12Calm the nerves, so
02:16That's it. It was a box set, a sex bot
02:18That's the whole bit
02:19That's the whole
02:20That's it moving. Keep it snappy. Let's go
02:23Right, let's go. What's the prize task category, please, Alex?
02:26The category is the thing that is nicest to open
02:30Greg's fly
02:32Jesus!
02:34I realised
02:36That sounded like I was saying Greg's fly is the nicest thing to open
02:38What I meant is Greg is fly. He's stylish. He's cool
02:42And I wonder what everyone's brought in. Let's find out
02:45Sweet save
02:47Rosie Ramsey
02:48Hello
02:49What have you brought me?
02:50I have brought something that I adore
02:52And every time I open it
02:53I just feel happy
02:54Oh, hello
02:55OK
02:56A jar of gherkins
02:58Oh!
03:00So you genuinely love gherkins?
03:01Love gherkins
03:02And I do love opening a jar
03:04Like, without having to ask my husband
03:07I went on a date with a woman who was much stronger than me once
03:10Did you?
03:11And I didn't mind it
03:14You're welcome, honey
03:15Matthew, what have you brought us?
03:16A pop-up book. But not just any pop-up book. A Taskmaster pop-up book.
03:31Oh
03:33Here it is
03:35There's your first open
03:37There's your second
03:40Hang on
03:41Where's Alex?
03:42There he is!
03:44Is that the only spread? No, it's not
03:46No
03:47Where's Alex? Is he behind the door again?
03:50No
03:51Where could he be?
03:53Yes
03:56Is that the last spread? No, there's one more
04:00You can help me with this, Greg
04:01It's Little Lally Tom
04:03Wow
04:04Wow
04:05Wow
04:06Wow
04:07Thank you
04:09Great
04:11Erm, it's incredible
04:13It's lovely, Matthew
04:14Erm, Stevie
04:16Erm, so this is something that has been in my house for
04:22Well, it must be since February when we moved
04:24And sometimes I can't open jars
04:26And I haven't been able to open it, I've just been buying other peppers
04:31Because I can't, I honestly can't open it
04:34And what's nice to open is when someone goes
04:36Oh, can you get that? And if you can open it, that'll feel really nice for you
04:41Yeah, I'm tempted to, I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power
04:47I'm a bit sweaty
04:48Have you genuinely tried to open it?
04:49This is, yeah, really, really, it's been six, er, since every...
04:52Oh, fuck
04:53One guy
04:56It sounded nice
04:57Does that feel nice?
04:58Smells nice
04:59Shhh
05:00What, one point?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04I didn't realise this was a jar-based task
05:08Nor did I
05:09OK
05:10Er, Jason
05:11Alright
05:12This is something that makes me happy when I open it
05:15Because it's something that is, that was mine
05:17Here, let's, uh, let's see, hit it here
05:19Aha, right?
05:21It's a dog
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23Except, actually, hold on a second
05:25Can you open it?
05:26It's actually...
05:27Yes
05:28Yeah
05:29Second photo, here we go
05:30Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes
05:32LAUGHTER
05:33So...
05:34So that's my dog, Turkey
05:36And there is the urn with Turkey's ashes
05:38And that's...
05:39Hang on, isn't that kind of a jar?
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44I'm running
05:45This won't be the worst job, I've got a dead dog in here
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49The point is that, look, when he opens the box and he sees those ashes
05:52I imagine it brings back so many happy memories
05:55For me, it's nice because I get to visit with Turkey again
05:58Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodlands with your peppers?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03OK, Fatia, what you brought?
06:06OK, so, the thing that I brought is very relaxing to take off
06:10Off?
06:11Off
06:12Oh
06:13Yeah, I don't think you haven't done it in a while, but you will do it more once we're married
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18This is what you open to take off
06:21LAUGHTER
06:23It's nice for me to open because it's relaxing
06:25And it's nice for you to open because it's going to blow your mind
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29LAUGHTER
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32APPLAUSE
06:37APPLAUSE
06:39APPLAUSE
06:41I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted
06:45LAUGHTER
06:47You're going to have to decide what is the least nice thing to open
06:50Both jar ladies are taking the bottom slots
06:52Yes
06:53Without question
06:54Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point
06:56And then we'll give Pickle Girl two points and she can thank me for them
07:00Right, so one to Stevie, two for Rosie
07:02Hey, no
07:03Can't do it, I can't, I can't put a bra above the sweet, sweet memories of a dog
07:08I can put a pop-up book above it
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11So what are we saying, Greg?
07:12Three
07:13Four
07:14Five
07:15Done
07:16Five
07:18APPLAUSE
07:19Right, do you have an incredibly irritating touch to get us started?
07:21Hmm...
07:22sixty-seven
07:23Irritating touch to get us started hmm 67
07:48Hello, oh my god
07:50What's it with the hat business? Have you got a fetish or something?
07:55Hello Rosie. Hello
07:58You okay? Yep
08:04Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head
08:09The very top of your head must never be more than five foot six inches from the ground
08:15How tall are you really? I'm five foot one. You're fine. So I'll be all right, aren't I?
08:23You may ask Alex yes or no questions, but Alex will only answer using his exciting new numbers system
08:32Fastest wins your time starts now. Is it made of plastic?
08:38Five
08:40Right
08:42Is it fruit?
08:4354
08:46This is awful
08:48It's very exciting
08:50It's very exciting
08:53What did you say, Patrick? I wrote something you said
08:55What sort of fetish are you into? I'm only just realising how often you make things sexual
09:00I'm a sexual woman
09:02As is your right
09:06Okay, who are we going to see first?
09:08Yes, well, let's see if they can find out what I had inside my head bowl
09:11Let's start with Rosie, Ramsey, Stevie and Martin
09:15Is your name Alex Horne?
09:17Seven
09:18Is my name Stevie Martin?
09:2053
09:22Oh, yeah, so
09:24Have I actually?
09:26Oh, is my name Colonel Begonia?
09:3162
09:32Okay, so no is even
09:34Yes is odd
09:3668
09:37Your head is too high
09:41Okay
09:42Don't understand the number system at all
09:43Right
09:44Is there something to do with bingo?
09:47Bingo?
09:47Yeah
09:4899
09:49Is it a doc?
09:52Uh
09:5315
09:55What are you doing?
09:56You've just got to work out what's on the very top of my head
10:02It's just a hat
10:03Oh, is that a periscope?
10:06No
10:06That's not real, is it?
10:08Is that real?
10:09Give your head a little
10:12Is that a periscope?
10:14Oh my god, I'm smashing it
10:17Yeah, I mean I can see you, but I can't see what's in your hat
10:21Wait
10:23Oh
10:25Behind
10:27Behind Greg
10:29What this?
10:29This Greg?
10:33Oh
10:34There's no one in it
10:36Can I guess you mean to not get a hat off?
10:3883
10:40Oh my god, it's a grabber
10:42I'm gonna protect my eyes
10:44Okay
10:45Oh jazzy
10:48I don't know what to do
10:52That's enough
10:53We've found my weakness and it's pipes
10:56Oh
11:02Got it
11:03Oh
11:06It's a carrot
11:07I've stopped the clock
11:08Yay
11:09I would never ever ever have got that
11:12You did get it
11:15Can I knock it off?
11:16Oh
11:19Sorry Alex
11:20It's all right
11:21It's a carrot
11:22I've stopped the clock
11:25I've never seen someone using a periscope like that before
11:29It's pretty good
11:30It's pretty good time
11:33Bet you loved this cast, didn't you?
11:34No
11:35Submarines
11:35Beat me aboard
11:37Whistle me aboard, Captain
11:41Just to be clear
11:42At no point did you try and use the periscope as a periscope?
11:44I've never used one before
11:45I get my shipmates to do it
11:50Rosie, absolutely no attempt at breaking the code whatsoever
11:52No, I didn't even bother
11:53The only question you asked was
11:55Is this bingo?
11:58She was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber
12:00Absolutely both of them
12:01Stevie, 6 minutes 53
12:04Rosie, 6 minutes 35
12:06Wow
12:07Whoa
12:07Both quicker
12:08Yeah
12:09Well done
12:10Okay
12:11Who is next?
12:12We're going to leave Jason until the end
12:14And boy oh boy does he know why
12:16So for now here's Matthew and Fathu
12:19Here we go
12:21Are you a man?
12:2213
12:24Are you a woman?
12:2612
12:28Okay, I think I've got it
12:30Is it a banana?
12:3110
12:31Is it a strawberry?
12:328
12:33Cherry
12:3440
12:3540
12:3540
12:36Yeah
12:37What?
12:3740
12:381-4
12:39Okay
12:40I don't know what this number business is
12:42Okay
12:45I'm going to try and make it unsafe
12:47And then you'd have to come down
12:48Oh, I see
12:50There's like sanitary towels in these shoes
12:51Are you mad?
12:5212
12:53What are you going to do with the shoes?
12:55Throw them at you
12:57No, these are heavy
12:57I can't do that
12:59I can't do that
13:00I'll turn around
13:01I can't do that
13:01The shoes I can do
13:02I have to come up
13:03And then I know
13:04I can't go
13:05And I know
13:06I you can't do that
13:06I can't do that
13:07I don't care
13:08and I know
13:09That's right
13:09I mean
13:10Yeah, behind Greg
13:18Stay there don't move. Yeah, I won't hurt you I promise
13:29Right we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it, and I don't know what it is
13:34Stay there. I bet you super glued it on because you're twat, bro
13:41See, it doesn't even move. I'm scared to hurt. Oh, here we go. It's a carrot. Stop the clock
13:48What is on the top of my head? Something orange. Orange is on the top of your head. Orange, man
13:54You must be more specific. Orange plastic or rubber? More specific
14:00Right, let go
14:04Oh, there it is. Stop moving. It's a carrot!
14:0789
14:13What I found interesting is that when the idea of shoes being thrown at Alex to try and dislodge his head fence
14:20I would have bet my life that Fatih would have been the one to actually throw the shoes
14:25It's quite a twist, yeah
14:27Suddenly this monster appears
14:29We've got the carrot, you've whacked his hat off with a snooker cue
14:33Yeah, and actually quicker, 30 minutes 20 for Fatih or 40 minutes 20 for Matt
14:38There we go. Good luck
14:41Right, well, that's the end of part one. See you back here soon
14:45MUSIC
14:54Welcome back to the start of part two
14:57Yes, now, before the break they were trying to figure out what was on top of my head
15:01I can only answer questions using my exciting new number system
15:04Finally, it's Jason's turn
15:06He's called me lots of things this series
15:08Jerk off
15:10Asshole
15:11So here is some retribution
15:15Is it produce?
15:1631
15:17Is it grapes?
15:18Is it a banana?
15:19Sprouts?
15:20Grapefruit?
15:21Lettuce?
15:2228
15:2360
15:2425
15:25Ugh!
15:26Is it a lemon?
15:274
15:28Is it a lime?
15:2914
15:30Good Lord
15:31Is it a pomegranate?
15:3215
15:33Grapes?
15:3430
15:35Is it a lemon?
15:3634
15:38Is it a lemon?
15:3935
15:40Is it lemon?
15:4136
15:42Alex, is it a lemon?
15:4338
15:44Let's see, this is just absurd
15:46I'm ready to be here for the long run
15:48This is gonna be one of those ones where you're like, shockingly Jason was doing this for 33 minutes
15:54Is it corn?
15:5793
15:58Is it a pear?
15:5914
16:00Green
16:0160
16:02This numbers thing, I'm not good with this
16:04No
16:05Well, sorry
16:06What do you mean no?
16:07This is madness
16:08What's on the very top of my head, Jason?
16:09I don't know anything more than I did at the minute I stopped reading this godforsaken task
16:16Right
16:17Okay
16:18Alright, then I guess I'll move around
16:20Yeah, that's right everybody, get the cameras, let's go
16:24Is it a seagull?
16:2660
16:27Is it one of these gargoyles?
16:29Gargoyles
16:34Man
16:40Oh, Jesus Christ
16:45Fine
16:46No, see, this is not working, this isn't what I want it to be
16:51It looked pretty close there
16:52Yeah, no, I know
16:53Okay
16:55I'm not a fucking idiot, Alex, I know that I found the thing
16:59Okay, now that can't, that's so difficult
17:03Oh boy, this is very difficult
17:06Sorry, Alex
17:08Man, what?
17:10I'm gonna try this again
17:15Oh, is it green?
17:16A little bit, I mean three
17:19Wow, it's right there
17:21But what the hell is it?
17:22I can't make out what the hell that is at all
17:24Is it carrot?
17:26Three
17:29Or two
17:30Or five
17:31Or seven
17:32Oh, did I guess it?
17:33You've completed the task
17:34Oh great, that's what I thought
17:35Do you feel good?
17:36No
17:37No, let me be clear, Alex
17:39I do not feel good
17:41Well, thank you, Jason
17:42All right
17:49Might it be the longest time anyone's ever taken?
17:52It's gotta be up there
17:53It was one hour forty
17:58One hour forty minutes
18:01I did this
18:03These two have both done it in just under seven minutes
18:05Somehow I had it in my mind
18:08I had to crack the code
18:11He asked 233 questions
18:14How many of them were, is it a lemon?
18:17Give me a number between one and 233
18:18We'll find out some of the questions
18:20Sure, one five four?
18:21Well, that was quite a long one
18:22What if I hopped the fence and went into the golf course
18:24And you never saw me again?
18:25LAUGHTER
18:31We have, is it suffering?
18:32Is it Jesus Christ?
18:33Is this good television?
18:34Is it human teeth?
18:35There were so many
18:37Come on then, you nerds
18:38What's the system?
18:39Very simple
18:40It's no
18:41It's a composite number
18:42Yes, it's a primal
18:43Oh
18:44I hate you even more
18:46Because I would never have figured that out
18:48No, we saw that
18:49OK, what are the scores?
18:52Yes, well, Jason with his 100 minutes gets one point
18:55Matt with 14 minutes, two points
18:57Fatia, 30 minutes, three points
18:58Stevie, just slower than Rosie, so you get four points
19:01But Rosie Ramsey gets the full five points
19:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:08Right, what are the scores, Alex?
19:09It's very, very close
19:10Two points separating all five of them
19:12Joint winners so far
19:14Matt and Rosie on seven points
19:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:17All right
19:18I think we need the team task
19:20Ooh, I do too
19:22And aren't they all just one big happy family?
19:24Oh
19:39Matthew
19:40Alex
19:41Rosie
19:42Alex
19:43Fatia
19:44Horn
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46Great news
19:47Oh, yeah?
19:48We've come up with a team name
19:49Oh, that is good news
19:50I've forgotten it, so you have to say it
19:52J.V. Martzoukas
19:53That was it
19:54Hello, J.V. Martzoukas
19:55Thank you
19:56Hello, Alex
19:57There's a task for you there
19:58And a little camera
19:59Ooh, OK
20:00Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others
20:05Then capture your relationship
20:07With a classic family home video moment
20:10Most believable family wins
20:12You have 30 minutes
20:13Your timer starts now
20:16This is fantastic
20:17Oh, let me be the mum
20:18Cause you two are parents, I'm not
20:20So let me be the parent
20:21Is that alright?
20:22Does that make sense?
20:23Yeah
20:24Yeah
20:25OK
20:26What are those classic
20:27Ooh
20:28Like you teaching me how to
20:29Like potty training
20:30I'm dangling you over
20:31And you're pissing
20:32And you holding me
20:33Over the toilet
20:34And I'm pissing and pooping
20:35Can I?
20:36Uh
20:37Do we have laxatives, Alex?
20:39Oh
20:40We've got to do a play
20:42A play?
20:43Or like put a musical on us
20:45Just you know when kids do like a show
20:48Right
20:49Buying ice cream
20:50Playing in traffic
20:51Can we play in traffic?
20:52No
20:53No
20:5422 minutes
20:55Oh, God, right, OK
20:56So, let's go
20:57Alright, let's go
20:58Just read me the task again
21:03Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others
21:05And capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment
21:08And Jason's suggestion was playing in traffic
21:12You guys don't do that?
21:13Yes
21:14Oh, your country's so boring
21:17Well, we're going to start with a team of two
21:19And this one is actually far from ideal for me
21:23Bring the camera up, Denise
21:28Bring it up, Denise
21:29Right, have you got that?
21:30Yeah
21:31Have you got it?
21:32Have you got it?
21:33I'm scared, Daddy, I'm scared
21:34I can't do it
21:35I can't do it
21:36You can
21:37I've got you
21:38I've got you
21:39Daddy's got you
21:40Oh, Daddy, please
21:41Stop my cousin
21:42Don't go, Daddy
21:43Are you getting it?
21:44Are you getting this, Denise?
21:45I'm doing it
21:46I'm doing it
21:47I'm doing it
21:48I'm doing it
21:49I'm doing it
21:50I'm doing it
21:51No hands, Lord
21:52No hands
21:53Who's that man?
21:55What man?
21:56Was that man there?
21:58Daddy, who's that man?
22:00Oh my God, it's a pervert
22:03What?
22:04Um
22:05I like the hairy girl
22:07Get out of here
22:09Get out of here
22:10Get out of here
22:11Get out of here
22:12Get out of here
22:13Get out of here
22:14Get out of here
22:15Get out of here
22:16Get out of here
22:17Can I just say something
22:30When we ran out
22:31We all ran out into like the rush hour traffic
22:33Into the traffic
22:34What?
22:35Get out of here
22:36You got it.
22:37With insane energy
22:38straight into people, like, at a stop sign.
22:41And you were like, oh, this is the old days.
22:44I feel like I'm back at home and I'm a kid running around the streets, baby.
22:48OK, I sort of bought it, you know, the touching moment
22:51of the hairy girl being taught to ride a bike.
22:54I'm just intrigued by giving the title classic family video
22:58of bringing the pervert into it.
23:01Well, it's in the 80s, you know, it was a different time.
23:04Yep. So it was meant to be like an accidental snapshot
23:07into sexual politics of the decade.
23:10Classic. Yeah!
23:12OK, it's time for us to stop again.
23:14When you return, you'll see an entirely different family,
23:18but Alex will still be a pervert.
23:21Let me tell you, the book I'm going to write one day.
23:24We'll see you in a minute.
23:26APPLAUSE
23:28Thank you!
23:37Thank you. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
23:39where I'm looking forward to seeing the next team attempt.
23:42Now, we're after a classic family home video moment.
23:45Most believable family wins.
23:47So now it's Daddy Matt with his little girls, Fatia and Rosie.
23:50Merry Christmas, everybody.
23:51Christmas morning.
23:55The presents are out.
23:57Let's call the girls.
23:59Girls!
24:01Father Christmas has been!
24:04He's been!
24:06Yes! Merry Christmas!
24:08Merry Christmas!
24:10Now, girls, Patty in particular, remember what happened last year with the presents.
24:22I know that sometimes you can get a little bit jealous,
24:25and I just wanted to say that I've thought very carefully about these presents,
24:31and I thought as much as I could about things that you would really like.
24:37OK, Daddy doesn't have any favourites, Patty.
24:41Do I, Hattie?
24:42No, Daddy.
24:43So, are you ready?
24:46Open your presents!
24:56What have you got there?
24:58Oh!
24:59Oh, look!
25:01Oh!
25:02Oh!
25:03Hattie, you've got some string, and Patty, you've got a scooter!
25:09Do you like your present, Patty?
25:12Are you OK, Patty?
25:15Oh, Patty, do you...
25:18Not again, Patty.
25:24Do you want the string, Patty?
25:25Oh, Hattie!
25:27That's such good sharing!
25:28Are you offering Patty a present?
25:30Yeah, Patty, do you want my present?
25:32Is that what you want, Patty?
25:34Yeah, Hattie.
25:35Oh, I'm sorry, Hattie.
25:36That means you have to have the scooter.
25:38Oh, no!
25:41I know you wanted the scooter.
25:43Don't do it, my friend.
25:44I'm sorry.
25:45Oh, no!
25:46Oh, no!
25:47Oh, no!
25:48Oh, no!
25:49Oh, no!
25:50Oh, no!
25:51Oh, no!
25:52Oh, no!
25:53Oh, no!
25:54Oh, no!
25:55Oh, no!
25:56Oh, no!
25:57Oh, no!
25:58Oh, no!
25:59Oh, no!
26:00Oh, no!
26:01Oh, no!
26:02Oh, no!
26:03Well, here's a question I never thought I'd ask on television.
26:05What's with all the hairy women?
26:07Oh, no!
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09We needed to...
26:11Family resemblance.
26:12Yeah.
26:13So we needed to look like him.
26:14Well, that's the obvious, yeah.
26:15So, obviously, the girl should be bearded.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18Well, you assume it's because he's a single father.
26:20So they're just his?
26:21LAUGHTER
26:24Greg, it's most believable family wins.
26:26Yeah, well, obviously, it was the horrible, jealous daughter
26:29being manipulated by the admittedly creepy father.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33So, slightly more...
26:35So, we're giving five points between three.
26:37OK, how many points for the team of two?
26:39Four points.
26:40There we go.
26:41Four points and five points.
26:42APPLAUSE
26:46What's next, then?
26:47Well, I do think it's time for some comeuppance.
26:51LAUGHTER
27:04Wow, Matthew Bainton.
27:05Wow, Alex Horne.
27:07Ooh!
27:08Please have a seat at the desk.
27:09Graduation.
27:10Congratulations.
27:11Did you graduate college?
27:12Yeah.
27:13What school?
27:14Cambridge University.
27:15What degree?
27:16Latin and Greek.
27:17OK.
27:18You were like, oh, whatever it is, it's got to be obsolete.
27:23Oh, I'd love to go to Cambridge and major in obsolescence.
27:27Teach the taskmaster's assistant a lesson he'll never forget.
27:31Ooh la la.
27:33Most memorable lesson wins.
27:35You have 20 minutes.
27:37Your time starts now.
27:39From what I know about how memory works,
27:42basically, if something's a little bit...
27:45...traumatic, it sticks in your mind.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:49Tell me a fact, like, one of your favourite facts.
27:52Shall I get your levels?
27:53You get dogs in all different colours?
27:55That's definitely not.
27:59No?
28:00Do you remember in the olden days when it used to snow,
28:02like, up to your waist?
28:03Do you remember?
28:04Yeah.
28:05So, well, it was winter, like, it was snowing,
28:07and then these boys come and play knock-down ginger,
28:10and my dad chased them barefoot in his boxers,
28:12cos my dad's an animal.
28:14And that is the lesson.
28:16My dad is an animal.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18Right. That's the lesson.
28:19Was that the lesson?
28:20Yeah.
28:21It's not necessarily been...
28:22Is that not?
28:23..into my brain.
28:24Can I go think?
28:25You're just like all my old teachers.
28:27Yeah, am I?
28:28Sexy.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:31OK.
28:32APPLAUSE
28:33I'm excited to see Matty deal with his minor childhood traumas.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43And I'm very excited about learning more
28:45about how much of an underwear-wearing animal Fatty has dad is.
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50I hope that features.
28:51Well, let's see.
28:52We're going to start with two lessons from Rosie and Matt.
28:59Open the hatch.
29:00LAUGHTER
29:03Trow...down.
29:04Do you mean trousers?
29:05Yes, please.
29:08Down to your ankles, please.
29:09Yep, yep, you're doing.
29:10Thank you so much.
29:11Are you ready for your lesson on memory?
29:13When you get something wrong...
29:15..that will happen.
29:17Right.
29:18That means you must dunk your head...
29:21..into the bin of water.
29:22We shall see if that jogs your memory.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25Toilet room.
29:26The cheeks parted.
29:29Wipe until clean.
29:32What is the first step of creating a memory called?
29:35Perception.
29:36WHISTLE BLOWS
29:39WHISTLE BLOWS
29:40WHISTLE BLOWS
29:41WHISTLE BLOWS
29:42WHISTLE BLOWS
29:43WHISTLE BLOWS
29:45WHISTLE BLOWS
29:46It's called encoding horn.
29:47What's it called?
29:48Encoding.
29:49WHISTLE BLOWS
29:50WHISTLE BLOWS
29:51Down you go!
29:52Is it not going to...?
29:53LAUGHTER
29:54WHISTLE BLOWS
29:55Correct.
29:56It's called encoding.
29:58LAUGHTER
29:59Part the cheeks.
30:00Part the cheeks.
30:01Part the cheeks.
30:02Wipe until clean.
30:03WHISTLE BLOWS
30:07Don't look, you disgusting little boy!
30:09Put it in the bin!
30:10What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:14Hippocampus.
30:15WHISTLE BLOWS
30:16WHISTLE BLOWS
30:17Down you go, horn!
30:20Do you hate yourself yet?
30:21You agree.
30:22It is not clean.
30:26Well done, horn!
30:27It is the hippocampus!
30:28Was it? Oh, good.
30:30You are rotten to the core, aren't you?
30:34Oh, my God.
30:35What is the first step of creating a memory call?
30:38Encoding.
30:39What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:42Hippocampus.
30:43Very good.
30:44You may celebrate in a long dunk.
30:47WHISTLE BLOWS
30:48WHISTLE BLOWS
30:49WHISTLE BLOWS
30:50WHISTLE BLOWS
30:51WHISTLE BLOWS
30:52WHISTLE BLOWS
30:53WHISTLE BLOWS
30:54WHISTLE BLOWS
30:55Matthew, was this monster based on someone from your life?
30:59Tell me no.
31:00The idea was not about reliving my childhood trauma.
31:03It was the theory that traumatic events, mildly traumatic events,
31:07stay in the brain.
31:08So that would be a lesson he wouldn't forget.
31:11But I would argue that perhaps we have a different understanding
31:14of the phrase mildly traumatic.
31:17LAUGHTER
31:18Icy water, though.
31:20It was ice in the water, wasn't there, Matt?
31:21A little bit.
31:22LAUGHTER
31:23Did you feel like you were better equipped to wipe your own backside
31:26after Rosie's onslaught?
31:28I was confused.
31:29I'm sorry, Rosie, but you were sending mixed messages.
31:32Don't look at it.
31:33And he wiped it on my face at the end.
31:35And she got carried away.
31:37LAUGHTER
31:38The thing is, growing up in this country,
31:40we all know a teacher who's not that far from those psychopaths,
31:43so good.
31:44Enjoyed them both.
31:45OK.
31:46Want to see more?
31:47Yes.
31:48OK.
31:49Yet more dignity for me now with lessons from Fatia and Stevie.
31:51Oh, God.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53I'm going to teach you a fact.
31:55The reason you'll never forget it
31:57is I'm going to ask you to write it out 50 times.
31:59That's cool. OK.
32:01You go over this side and you go like that.
32:03You need to do your hands.
32:05LAUGHTER
32:06Yeah?
32:07Yeah.
32:08But you're not just stepping.
32:09I am.
32:10The fact I'd like you to write, not there,
32:12I'd like you to write it on your person.
32:15On my body?
32:16That would be your person, wouldn't it?
32:18Some people take person as a euphemism for...
32:20Sorry, you call your penis your little person.
32:24Some people do.
32:25Sure, you call it your little Alex.
32:26LAUGHTER
32:27You don't...
32:28It's like a pen.
32:29OK.
32:30You've got to be like a snake.
32:31Change your snake.
32:34That is not a snake.
32:36Oh, it's not bad.
32:38Shrimp's heart is located...
32:40In...
32:41Oh, I put on.
32:42Just going to shake your top.
32:44No, just your top.
32:46Not your...
32:47LAUGHTER
32:48Eleven.
32:49Right.
32:50I'm out of room there.
32:51Yeah.
32:52I'll give you some privacy.
32:53Still, still, still, still.
32:54Go.
32:55Go.
32:56You've got to move not just your hands.
32:58You look like when you fry chips.
32:59Can you do it again?
33:00LAUGHTER
33:01I haven't got those things.
33:03You don't need those things to do it.
33:07I hate to alarm you, but you probably will have to take your trousers off.
33:11I've been CRB checked, it's fine.
33:13Stay still here.
33:14Go on.
33:15That's it.
33:19I think we're on 42.
33:20Yeah.
33:21This is 46.
33:23How do whales have legs in their stomachs?
33:25That's it, now.
33:27You're a fully fledged Moroccan dancer.
33:30OK, then.
33:31Yalla, you ready?
33:32Yalla, I'm ready.
33:33Yalla.
33:34Wahid.
33:35Jouj.
33:36Clutter.
33:41Right leg.
33:42Good.
33:43Hip.
33:44Yay!
33:45CHEERING
33:46CHEERING
33:48CHEERING
33:51It's a master's bow.
33:52Perfect.
33:53Oh, no.
33:54It's a shrimp's head.
33:55Oh, no, it's a heart.
33:56Yeah, of course it is.
33:57I forgot on the last one.
33:58Can you repeat the fact to me now?
34:01A shrimp's heart is located in its head.
34:03Congratulations, you've learnt your lesson.
34:05Get cleaned up.
34:11Yeah.
34:15Well, is the shrimp fact true?
34:17Yeah.
34:18Absolutely true.
34:19And the whale fact?
34:20Yes, so...
34:21They've got legs in their stomach.
34:22They used to have legs.
34:24So if I cut a whale up, there'll be a big leg in there?
34:26No, it's like a human's leg.
34:28Just like a nub of a bone that is still there from when they used to be mammals.
34:33I just like the idea there's one big leg and they were about to see that.
34:35I like that idea as well.
34:36I didn't think about the procedural element.
34:39I thought it had a...
34:40In my head, it's got a boot on it.
34:41Yeah.
34:43But I know it doesn't.
34:45But...
34:46Yeah.
34:47Patia, I found watching you teach him genuinely quite sweet,
34:50and I thought the result was actually quite good.
34:53And it worked.
34:57You were encouraging and I wanted to please you.
34:59Oh, did you?
35:00Oh, he's dead.
35:04Break time.
35:05When we return, we'll finally find out who's going home with a bra,
35:09a dead dog's ashes, and a jar of gherkins.
35:12Or as my uncle used to call it, foreplay.
35:15LAUGHTER
35:16APPLAUSE
35:27Hello again.
35:28Part four, is it then?
35:30Yes, it is, Greg.
35:31Keep up, mate.
35:32The contestants are all teaching me lessons.
35:35For example, I now know how to wipe myself and belly dance.
35:39Time for my final lesson now, and it's with Hollywood hotshot Jason Mantoukas.
35:43It occurs to me that you need to be a little bit more assertive.
35:49But first, I need to see you a little bit in your natural environment.
35:53Let's go.
35:54Yeah, let's do it.
35:55All right.
35:56Jenny.
35:57Here's your tea, Alec.
35:58Ooh.
35:59That's so nice of you. Thank you.
36:00You're welcome.
36:01That's amazing.
36:02Thanks.
36:03Bye-bye.
36:04Hello, Alec.
36:05Hi, Becky.
36:06We're getting sandwiches for lunch today.
36:08What would you like?
36:09Sandwiches, anything at all.
36:10Honestly, whatever's easiest for you.
36:13Mm-mm.
36:14Oh.
36:15Hey, Alex.
36:16Amy, this looks amazing.
36:18Oh, thanks.
36:19That is so...
36:20It's just right.
36:21That's perfect.
36:23How are you feeling?
36:24It's been a tough time, to be honest.
36:25Yeah.
36:26The scans came back.
36:27The doctor said they were inconclusive.
36:28Oh, not inconclusive.
36:29Yeah.
36:30I'm just so grateful to be here.
36:31Whatever it takes.
36:32Honestly, you're such a crucial part of the team.
36:36Okay.
36:37Okay.
36:38I think I've seen everything I need to see.
36:39Let's go.
36:40Okay.
36:41That was terrible.
36:42Really?
36:43I didn't like that at all.
36:44I thought it was good.
36:45What you understand is that these people work for you so you should be polite to them?
36:50Wrong.
36:51It doesn't matter how you treat them.
36:53They are things.
36:56You only focus on what matters to you.
36:59Me.
37:00Alex Horne.
37:01Number one.
37:02Everyone else.
37:03The things.
37:04Who the fuck cares?
37:05These are tools in your toolbox to make this glorious show.
37:10Let's do this.
37:14Here's your tea, Alex.
37:15Thing?
37:16Yes.
37:19Yes.
37:22It's the wrong shade.
37:26What would you like for lunch today?
37:28I want goose.
37:29And jelly.
37:30Ha-ha-ha!
37:34Oh!
37:35What's this?
37:36That looks absolutely stupid.
37:39What the frick is this?
37:40Freak?
37:41Hey, hey, what are you doing?
37:42You're a bad boy.
37:43You're Alex.
37:45What the fuck is this?
37:47Yes!
37:48Yes!
37:49Ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:50Yeah?
37:51Yes!
37:52Oh, shit!
37:53I'm so sorry, Alex.
37:54See what?
37:55You're fired!
37:56Ooh!
37:57You're never here anywhere.
37:58You're always going to the hospital.
37:59Go!
38:01Quicker!
38:02Quicker!
38:03Let's get her.
38:04You're a pain in the ass!
38:05A pain right in my...
38:06What is this?
38:07What is this?
38:08Who are you?
38:09Off you go!
38:10Bye-bye!
38:11Bye-bye!
38:12Hey, wait, wait, wait.
38:14You forgot your bag!
38:16LAUGHTER
38:21That was great.
38:22Fuck you!
38:23Oh!
38:24The student has become the master.
38:27Bye-bye.
38:28APPLAUSE
38:29I am a bit shocked by how well you took that on.
38:38Yeah.
38:39I've learnt a lesson looking at that.
38:41It's not ideal.
38:42It's not ideal.
38:43But you do feel a lot of those things in private, I know.
38:47It did take quite a bit to get him there.
38:50From Frick to Fuck was a huge transition.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:54Yeah.
38:55From Frick to Fuck.
38:56That's your autobiography title, sir.
38:58LAUGHTER
39:00But I do want to apologise to the members of the team.
39:03Don't ruin it now.
39:05They're things.
39:06They're tools in the toolbox.
39:09But who was the best tutor?
39:12Yeah, I'd say Jason leading me by the hand
39:14and shouting in my face worked a bit.
39:16A bit?
39:17But it was the warmth of Fatia that I responded to most.
39:20Wow.
39:21Fatia, you're about to get five points for being nice.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:25This is going to...
39:27Really?
39:28..fuck your brand.
39:33So, Fatia gets five points for being nice.
39:35Jason gets four points for coercing a monster from you.
39:40So, shrimp or poo or cruelty?
39:44They were all much of a muchness, if I'm completely honest.
39:47Three points each?
39:48OK, yeah, fair enough.
39:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:53Can't you take a peek at those scores?
39:55Yes.
39:56Well, the series scores are in,
39:57and there's two people in the 90s.
39:58Rosie's on 90,
39:59Matt on 99,
40:01the series we've got at the moment.
40:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:06But in this episode,
40:07she's just so lovely,
40:08she's in the lead with 16 points,
40:09it's Fatia El Ghori!
40:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:17So sweet, so kind, so in the lead.
40:19OK, it's time.
40:20Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:31Hello, honey pie.
40:32I like the hairy girl.
40:34LAUGHTER
40:35Who's going to be the task out?
40:36Er, Jason today, please.
40:40Don't blow the last thing off the table.
40:43If you don't blow anything off the table,
40:45you are eliminated.
40:46If you do blow the last thing off the table,
40:48you are eliminated.
40:50You must stay on the spot
40:51and you must not touch the table.
40:53Last player standing wins.
40:55Yes, there'll be four rounds of this.
40:57In each round, there'll be a different lot of things
40:59on that table there.
41:00One at a time, you'll come to the spot,
41:02something has to fall off the table,
41:04but if everything goes, you're out.
41:06And ultimately, if there's only one thing left,
41:08that person's out.
41:09That is checkmate.
41:10Prepare the table.
41:15I knew it.
41:16I knew it.
41:17It's feathers.
41:18I knew it.
41:19So at least one feather must leave.
41:21We're going to go from right to left.
41:22We're starting with Stevie.
41:23Watch me fuck this up so bad now.
41:26That's the sort of confidence you get in the Navy.
41:28LAUGHTER
41:29OK.
41:30One blow plus.
41:31Yeah.
41:32Yeah, all right.
41:33LAUGHTER
41:34Just...
41:35Bloody hell.
41:36It was touch and go, though, wasn't it?
41:37No.
41:38I knew what I was doing.
41:39I was building tension.
41:40LAUGHTER
41:41Rosie's up next.
41:42Lovely.
41:43Absolutely lovely.
41:44That's his pen.
41:45Ooh!
41:46That was bold.
41:49That was bold.
41:52I think I'm strong.
41:54That was bold.
41:56LAUGHTER
41:57That's his pen.
41:58Ooh!
41:59Ooh!
42:00Ooh!
42:01Ooh!
42:02Ooh!
42:03Ooh!
42:04Ooh!
42:05Ooh!
42:06Ooh!
42:07That was bold.
42:08Ooh!
42:09Up he comes, Jason Manzikas.
42:11APPLAUSE
42:12Good luck, Fatia.
42:17Not a lot left up there.
42:22Not a lot left.
42:23Wow.
42:24Yeah.
42:25Ooh!
42:26Ooh!
42:27Ooh!
42:28Ooh!
42:29Ooh!
42:30Ooh!
42:31Ooh!
42:32Ooh!
42:33Ooh!
42:34Ooh!
42:35Ooh!
42:36Ooh!
42:37Ooh!
42:38Ooh!
42:39Ooh!
42:40Ooh!
42:41Ooh!
42:42Ooh!
42:43Ooh!
42:44Ooh!
42:45Oh, wow!
42:46Oh, easy!
42:47There's two there!
42:48There's two there!
42:49LAUGHTER
42:50Ooh!
42:51Ooh!
42:52Ooh!
42:53Ooh!
42:54Ooh!
42:55Oh!
42:56Ooh!
42:57Ooh!
42:58LAUGHTER
43:00Not always lost!
43:01Not bad, fancy!
43:02Well done!
43:03Oh, fun!
43:04Oh, fun lucky.
43:05Fun lucky!
43:06Yeah.
43:07OK, round two.
43:09Mm?
43:10Look at these pictures of...
43:12of Greg.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14OK, blow me, Jason.
43:16Happily, my friend.
43:17Okay.
43:18APPLAUSE
43:21Lovely.
43:24One word, one word.
43:28APPLAUSE
43:31Here we go.
43:38Oh, fuck!
43:40CHEERING
43:43I get it, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to.
43:46It's the arrogance of someone trying a double blow
43:48in this competition.
43:50Natalie.
43:51Ah.
44:00Lovely.
44:02Lovely.
44:04APPLAUSE
44:13LAUGHTER
44:15Yeah.
44:16One other time, why not?
44:17Why not?
44:18APPLAUSE
44:19We're up in the professional league now.
44:23That'll do.
44:24APPLAUSE
44:25Tickle, mate.
44:26Very tickle.
44:27APPLAUSE
44:34That was tactical play, lovely.
44:39Yeah.
44:40And yet, everyone riveted.
44:49Ooh.
44:50APPLAUSE
44:51Here we go, final round.
44:52Ooh.
44:53I have to speak for all of us and say, I can't believe this is watchable.
44:55LAUGHTER
44:57Speak for all of us and say I can't believe this is watchable and yet everyone riveted
45:19It's nearly two
45:26I hate you so much
45:34Now we're playing with power
45:36Oh
45:40He's left it open though
45:42He's left it open
45:48Oh
45:50No problems
45:52Problems
45:54That's probably for Fatio right?
45:56Yeah, it feels like it
45:58Oh
46:04In second place Fatio goal
46:06And the winner is Jason Mansfield girl
46:09Come down and join me with that match for the final score
46:20Well, well, well
46:21Yes, like a lot of things in this show, surprisingly watchable
46:24Really good
46:25Mmm
46:26Matt unfortunately out first gets the one point
46:27Two to Stevie, three to Rosie
46:28Then it was between Fatio and Jason at the end
46:30Four to Fatio
46:31Jason won it gets the five points
46:33So well done Jason Mansfield
46:34Yeah
46:37But how does it affect the overall scores Greg?
46:39I don't know
46:40You won't believe it
46:41They've now all got even-numbered scores
46:43I love it
46:45Stevie at the bottom with 14
46:46At the other end
46:47With 20 points
46:48For the first time
46:49It's Fatio
46:50CHEERING
46:51CHEERING
46:52FATIO
46:54FATIO
46:55GORING WAYS
46:56Please close the show by opening your things there
46:59Nice welcome
47:00CHEERING
47:01CHEERING
47:02AND APPLAUSE
47:19APPLAUSE
47:24CHEERING
47:25AND APPLAUSE