- 4 months ago
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00:00BBC television presents Tony Hancock
00:07Hancock's offer
00:30you great-over I thought I told you to cancel the milk oh shut up moaning open the door
00:37400 bottles of milk look at it all what am I going to do with 400 bottles of milk take it in
00:42and have a part oh very funny ha ha you know you're always supposed to cancel the milk when
00:47you go away dead giveaway for burglars there is I bet there's not a stick of furniture left in
00:51there do me a favour will you open the door these cases are heavy let's get in you've been moaning
00:55through 18 countries now give it a rest all that milk left on the step goes right out of the gutter
01:02it does they all know we've been away it's all right for you there's nothing in there of yours
01:05a dead lumber you turn out to be now what's the matter I can't find the door key it's hanging on
01:15a string behind the letterbox oh no you're joking you didn't leave it hanging behind the door certainly
01:24oh well that's it then we've had it don't we I doubt it will be any wallpaper left
01:30I think I've spent three miserable months galloping around the continent with me key
01:34hanging behind me front door but I'm not going in there all me heirlooms and all me objet d'art
01:41all have been bundled into some masked gentleman's sack why did you just put a notice on the door
01:49gone away for three months come on in and help yourselves what a buffoon you are
01:53the guy made the money come on out of the way
01:56come on open it I can't there's something behind the door it's a burglar
02:08I can see him he's hiding in there I can see him
02:11he's got a bowler hat on
02:14it's raffles the gentleman crook all right come on come on come outside come on open the door and come up with
02:19your hands up come here a minute
02:22raffles
02:25has he gone come here
02:28oh
02:33well it could have been I mean we don't take any chances do we
02:39what's all this then
02:42I forgot to cancel the newspapers too
02:46oh see do you mind thinking me for a change I have to pay for all these
02:50blimey they're only tough and safe any each
02:52yes I know we have four a day and seven days a week and a deer on sunday
02:55it's your greyhound gazette
02:59my health and beauty that's one and six
03:01and there's 12 of those there's my farmers news my ballroom dancing weekly and film fun
03:10there's 23 quids worth of out-of-date literature down there
03:14oh blimey all right we'll cut your losses I'll take them down to the fish shop and see what I can get on them
03:18yeah a penny a pound they'll give you
03:20I doubt if I'll get a tanner back on that lot
03:22and all that milk gone to waste
03:2416 pound 10 a bottled cheese out there
03:27I've got to go and buy a new suit in the morning I can't go to the BBC like this
03:33they see me dressed like this they'll have me in bala like her before I can look around
03:36it's not my fault
03:39of course it's your fault
03:40if you hadn't got mixed up with those two Yugoslavian wine traders this would never have happened
03:44wouldn't it be funny if we changed clothes for the night he said
03:47he never saw them again
03:49I knew they were onto a good thing
03:53they'll be the toast of Belgrade by now
03:55jumping up and down in a barrel of grapes and my several row flare line on
03:59it's not good enough I don't mind telling you I felt it right Charlie coming through the customs today
04:05what do we look like
04:06what do we look like
04:08the refugees and the chocolate soldier
04:13I'll keep on Mr. Goodborn
04:15well I've every right to keep on I don't know I'm going to make ends meet
04:18you wasting all this money needlessly I don't mind telling you I'm worried six
04:21oh do me I can't understand you people worry worry worry money money money
04:25you know my philosophy eat drink be merry tomorrow we snuff it
04:29if you've got it spend it and if you ain't got it get it
04:34oh you little fatalist you
04:39you spent too much time out in the east that's your trouble
04:42come on let's get in and unpack
04:45three months that's been blazing away
04:52all right
04:57well uh I left that on purposely
05:00you see if the burglars see the lights on
05:02they think somebody's in here and they don't try to come in
05:04nine bulbs left on
05:06all nine of them
05:07it'd have been cheaper if they had got in
05:09at least they might have switched them off when they left
05:11do you think I made the money
05:13this waste has got to stop Sid
05:16good evening welcome to another evening's television
05:20that's funny I thought I'd switch that off
05:29whatever well we don't have to wait for it to warm up now do we
05:32god
05:34it's red hot
05:40me tube's gone I swear it has
05:42oh don't be silly there's nothing wrong with it
05:44look mate that smoke's not coming from gun law
05:46and look at the glue holding the set together
05:50where?
05:51there oozing out and running down the sides
05:53take a week to cool off that will
05:57fancy leaving the television set for on for three months
05:59think of it three months
06:01twenty four bilkos have been flashing around this room with nobody to watch
06:05well you can buy the next set I'm not
06:08I'm going up to me room to change
06:10how a man could be so absent mind I do not know
06:12all the thoughtless inconsiderate wasteful girl words
06:16thank you
06:17all the thoughtless
06:38all right what was it what was what did you just switch off switch off switch off who you when
06:57just now nothing yes you did i went to have a look at the meter see how much electricity we burnt
07:04that little flat disc inside was opening around like a catherine wheel suddenly it slowed down
07:12what was it come on what did you switch off oh all right the electric fire electric fire how many
07:20bars all of them all of them three bars and a penny a bar an hour for three months what my electricity
07:27bill is going to be for this quarter i hesitate to think do you realize you didn't turn one single
07:30thing off not one single thing a washing machine was still going all the water is evaporated and
07:40what has happened to the shirts we shall never know all i could hear was six buttons and a collar stud
07:50cranking about i expect it's ruined i'll have to ring the bloke up and see if he can come
07:57around and see to it i suppose you won't get anything out of that why not i had it cut off
08:06see i didn't forget everything dinner you had it cut off the one thing in the house you can leave on
08:15without it cost anything and you had it cut off and it cost and it cost money to have it put back on
08:21again as well i wouldn't mind betting you left the car running in the back garden
08:29oh no i'll go and remember oh no me car blew in me 1927 green label bentley lying there with six rigid pistons
08:42that is it that is all what explanation do you have for this when's the coronation
09:10that is the last straw i distinctly remember telling you to cancel the bread look at it
09:19it's solid no wonder we went vocal they couldn't get in what are we going to do with it all well
09:25you could but a garage for your rigid bentley oh very funny very good yes this is very serious
09:31this is sheer extravagant waste and i can't afford it anymore all right as to today we are cutting down
09:36we're going on an economy drive oh what yes that worries you didn't yes that shook you our holidays
09:42oh we're going to make a fresh start we're going to live to the absolute minimum until i'm solvent
09:45again austerity is going to be the keynote in this household no more eating out in posh
09:50restaurants the dorchester is out as from now nothing over three bob you can't do that a man in your
09:55position you've got to keep up appearances you can't let the public see you queuing up with a tray at
09:59the corner house what about all the big business lunches the big producers that's a fallacy if they
10:04want you they don't care where they eat well i can't see jay arthur rank leaning up against a pie
10:08stall with a contract in one hand and a sausage in the other
10:13doesn't have to be a pie stall or plenty of other places one can eat quite reasonably anyway we've got
10:17to cut down on our expenditure as the immortal mr micawber said to oliver copperfield in bleak house by
10:23monica dickhead oliver boy oliver boy oliver boy but i only saw the film
10:36he put it very concisely he said average income 20 pounds average expenditure 19 pounds 19 shillings and
10:45sixpence results happiness on the other hand annual income 20 pounds annual expenditure 20 pounds and
10:56sixpence result misery so in future i intend to start living within my means starting us from lunchtime
11:02today you are going to go and eat now i am a bit early in it yes well first of all i intend to go down
11:10to the railway lost property and buy myself a suit you can make your own arrangements i'll see you
11:16after lunch do not switch anything on yeah all right all right i've read the meter just one firm
11:22and you are out mate good day to you
11:52you are out mate good day to you
12:22Excuse me, my tray.
12:51Do you, boys? This is a cue.
12:54I never might say it's got pushed down there.
12:56Well, it's hard luck because you're not taking any fun to me.
13:15What's the matter, then? You want to die?
13:17No.
13:18Haven't we got anything you like?
13:22No, no, it's not that, you see.
13:23We haven't got time to your little jokes.
13:26Listen to all that. It's a rush hour.
13:27Let's see this one.
13:29It's, uh, yes, one of six, two of six, four and eight-pence-haveny.
13:35Here, do you mind moving out the way?
13:37You're creating a disturbance.
13:38I'm just trying to get back to fill me tray up.
13:40Yes, well, you've got to go that way round and back.
13:42Oi, what are you trying to do?
13:46It's all right. I've already queued up once.
13:47I didn't manage to get anything on my tray.
13:48You know how it is, but, uh, well, I don't know much about these plates.
13:51I don't know much about the techniques.
13:52Well, you're not coming in here.
13:54And you're not coming in here either.
13:57But I've already queued up once.
13:58Well, that's your hard luck, innit?
14:00You'll have to queue up again, won't you?
14:01I'm merely trying to get to my rightful place in the queue.
14:03Now, look, I don't like queue jumpers, so hop in.
14:12Excuse me, madam, would you be good enough to pass me an individual fruit flan?
14:16Are you talking to me?
14:18I've got a better idea. I'll move him by the side of you.
14:20I beg your pardon.
14:21I'll just slide in. Nobody will know you.
14:22Oh, Jane, get away from me. Get away.
14:24I've been molested. Where's the...
14:25Oh, don't bother. I'm just going. The woman's a fool.
14:28She's annoying you, lady.
14:29He's trying to get it next to me. Where's the...
14:31All I wanted was an independent fruit flan.
14:34Get the banditon. Get the banditon.
14:35Oh, shut up.
14:37These foreign art students are all the same.
14:49You've handled that.
14:50You've got to have it now.
14:53I don't want it. It's hard.
14:54You've handled it.
14:56This is a hygienic establishment.
14:58I can't pass that on to somebody else.
15:00Oh, all right.
15:02I'll have two pats...
15:03Do you mind?
15:04I'll have two pats of...
15:05No, two pats of butter, yes.
15:07No, I'll have one pat of margarine.
15:09This is a self-service establishment.
15:12Then what are you doing behind the counter?
15:14Replenishing.
15:15Well, you want to replenish those for a start.
15:16They're like hand grenades.
15:19Although she got off for a start.
15:22Hello, just like, take your pick, this, innit?
15:24I'll have the key to box number 13.
15:29You can't help laughing.
15:31Oh, good.
15:33Oi, miss.
15:35What do you want?
15:35Oh, there you are.
15:44How about replenishing some of these?
15:46All those that are empty are off.
15:48There's a mince and baked beans here.
15:49I don't want that.
15:53Did you, Antlis?
15:54Certainly not.
15:55The last thing I'd handle is mince and beans.
15:57What's wrong with it?
15:58I just don't like mince and beans, that's all.
16:00I can't recall the time I did like mince and beans.
16:03I'm just not a mince and beans man, that's all there is.
16:07It may seem an unreasonable hatred to you, but that's the way things are.
16:11That's the way I'm built.
16:13What else have you got?
16:19So you're dodging about a bit, aren't you?
16:22How tall are you?
16:24My friends elk are me out.
16:26Meat, patty and chips, do you want it?
16:27No, thank you.
16:29What other delicacies are you keeping hidden from the public gaze?
16:36Well, there's nothing there.
16:37Everybody in.
16:45What about some place and chips?
16:47Third from the left, middle row.
16:50Right.
16:54Just a minute, please, that's mine.
16:56How do you make that out?
16:57First come, first serve, old boy.
17:00Yes, well, I know when I was first.
17:01Not to that compartment.
17:03Excuse me.
17:04That is my place and chips.
17:05If I hadn't asked, you wouldn't have known where it was.
17:07Don't be ridiculous.
17:08I come here every day.
17:09I know where they keep the place and chips.
17:12Excuse me.
17:13Don't make words.
17:14Swipe me.
17:19Yes?
17:20What about another place and chips, then?
17:22I'm sorry, that was the last one.
17:24Try and eat patty and beans.
17:26Oh, very well, then.
17:27Top left hand corner.
17:31Oh, see.
17:34Ah, cup of tea, please.
17:36Not much milk and a little slice of lemon.
17:39No lemon.
17:39And the milk's already in.
17:41One and nine, two and three, three and two, four and five pence, please.
17:49Four and five for this load of rubbish?
17:51You've got the dearest hot dish there and the dearest sweet.
17:55Four and five pence, please.
17:56I'm sorry, I'm an economy driver.
17:58I'm only allowed three bob a day for me dinner.
17:59I can't help that.
18:00What you've got on that dish is four and five pence.
18:03Well, I haven't got four and five pence.
18:05I only brought the exact three shillings to avoid temptation.
18:07Well, you'd better change your selection, haven't you?
18:09I thought I'd get a ten fags out of the three, Bob.
18:14I thought these places were supposed to be cheap.
18:16Good grief, woman.
18:17This is sheer extortion.
18:18Four and five pence, please, or change your food.
18:21Oh, very well, then.
18:27Who did that?
18:29Who did that?
18:30I only put it back where I got it from.
18:32There was another one in there.
18:33Well, it was empty just now.
18:34I've replenished it.
18:35One plate, one drawer.
18:36You can't put two plates in.
18:38Well, I'm not paying for it.
18:40Edie, charge this gentleman for one meat, loaf and peas.
18:44Very well, young lady,
18:45but you won't get the benefit of my custom again.
18:46In future, I shall take my tray elsewhere.
18:51It's still four and five pence.
18:57I've only got three shillings and I'm still hungry.
18:59I can't help that.
19:00There's that mints and peas you've got to pay for that.
19:02That's, uh, yes, that leaves you with six pence.
19:06And you've got one and eleven here on the tray.
19:08Look, you'd better put the sweetened tea back.
19:10That'll leave you to five pence to pay
19:12and you'll have a penny change.
19:14Oh, good.
19:14I can have another piece of margarine, then.
19:16Yes.
19:17Put the sweetened tea back.
19:20Coming up!
19:25That's it.
19:26Four and five pence, please.
19:28Four and five pence are a roll of marge.
19:30The one thing you can get for nothing at the Dorchester.
19:32Shout out Encore Dupin and then up with another load.
19:35Here you are.
19:36I've got some money.
19:38I'll just be a penny, then.
19:40Here you are.
19:44Here you are.
19:45Here you are.
20:00Ah.
20:01Ah, that's okay. Hang on a minute.
20:13Excuse me, mister, who haven't he got his salad cream, please?
20:20There'll be no gratuity there.
20:24Ah, that's more like it.
20:26I know I'm going to enjoy this.
20:31Excuse me, I wonder if I, could I borrow that spoon, you think?
20:50All right, where is it?
20:51Where's it?
20:55My roll and mud and tomato sauce and salad cream.
20:58But you don't think that I would eat it, do you?
21:00Two and eleven that cost me, mate. Now, come on, what have you done with it?
21:03But I haven't seen it.
21:04Oh, you must have seen it. It was a roll with a load of margarine, swimming in a sea of tomato sauce and salad cream.
21:10You really must excuse me.
21:13Because I think I'm going to be rather sick.
21:17You won't finish your soup, I think.
21:19He hasn't even started his entree.
21:21What an extraordinary man.
21:22Ah, well, shaka arse on goo.
21:27Well, waste not, want not.
21:32Mints and beans.
21:33Beans.
21:34That's a box of filters.
21:35Oh, yeah.
21:36Oh, yeah.
21:37Oh, yeah.
21:39All right.
21:56A box of filters, oh yeah.
21:58why don't you buy yourself some proper cigarettes because it's cheaper this way 400 for one and
22:22nine you've been out of the fort but you haven't made one yet you've wasted half an ounce of tobacco
22:28you know what i say it on the matches though put it back it's freezing put it back one lump an hour
22:49we've had our ration for the night go to bed in about 15 minutes save the lights it's only seven
22:56o'clock you think i'm sitting up here all night with that thing blazing away you're mistaken 40
23:02watts that is if you went to bed now we could save about four minutes i should think it'd be
23:07four hundred for one and nine boy
23:14mind you get through a lot of them
23:34said i saved the filter anyway haven't i blimey what a miserable existence this is
23:42no telling no fire no fags nothing to eat nothing to drink don't turn the tap on don't put the light
23:50on don't put the heater on milk 50 percent water stale bread it's worse than being in jail
23:56can't have this can't have that ape in here a penny there don't do this don't do that i can't stand
24:01it much longer i can't go on living like this much longer it's time to be mad mad
24:06don't walk up and down it where's the carpet at
24:10what are you saving how much have you saved you mind your own business suffice a few to know i'm
24:17quite pleased with the way things are going three weeks of solemnizing this is i reckon about five
24:22years time we can afford to ease off a bit five years i can't stand it come on bed now and no
24:28reading when you get up to your room oh that's right with the meter you had installed a shilling
24:32for five minutes i would be right wouldn't i come on get up the stairs
24:34what's the matter with you you've got to have some light to get to the top we don't need a light to
24:45climb a dozen stairs what's the matter with you i can't see where i'm going what do you think
24:49balusters are made for go on you silly old thing get up there i'll make these harbors then one more step
24:54i'll do it to make my mouth
24:55a little bit
25:07a little bit
25:09a little bit
25:11a little bit
25:13a little bit
25:16a little bit
25:21economizing you don't need any light to find yourself a few stairs i cannot be held responsible
25:30for you catching one of your great plates and a hole in the carpet get yourself some no carpets
25:34then carpets cost money you don't have to moan don't you i'm not worried apart from the pain
25:41and the agony i'm quite happy four weeks we'll be in here boy four weeks of luxurious living
25:50without it costing a penny that's the way to economize
25:55i don't mind telling you the welfare state's going to get a right passion with my meals
25:59make more seconds come on then
26:14lady almoner good afternoon your ladyship
26:31nice to see the aristocracy helping out at the local hospital
26:34oh yes what can i do for you well we're just off for hancock and james emily trubshaw ward
26:39had a very pleasant stay very good hospital you run here i'm sure lord almon must be very proud of you
26:46good day just a moment hancock and james you said that's correct ah thank you your bills
26:53i beg your pardon your bills for hospital treatment no no no no no no we're national
26:57health we're not in the private caper i'm afraid you are i've looked into this matter very carefully
27:01and you're both out of benefit your cards haven't been stamped for over three months 50 games each
27:07please you were stamping the health cards guess what i was economizing i mean 11 and 3 a week for
27:14two healthy lads like us it seemed to be a waste of money to me well you look great it's your
27:18responsibility 100 guineas mr hancock we'll take a check i dare say you will but you won't get it out
27:23of me girl all the money i've got in the world is in that box give it to me pick a bond out of that
27:28if there's any left over give it to the nurse yeah i've ruined all that scrimping and saving
27:32than nothing oh don't be silly it's not as bad as all that you've paid all your bills haven't you
27:35yes been away from home for four weeks no electricity no fires you haven't got any money but you don't
27:40owe anybody anything right that's true i suppose things aren't as bad as they seem ah come on let's
27:47go and have a drink now that's better and we'll turn the fire on shall we all right only one bar though
27:52yeah i'll call it kimmy
28:06Well, blimey, I was in agony. I had a broken leg.
28:23The last thing I thought about was telling the milkman.
28:36Well, there won't be all that much bread behind the back door.
28:49We haven't been away that long this time.
28:59Well, a little bit of economising, we'll soon have that lot paid off.
29:02Well, I'll be off then.
29:03Good evening. This is BBC television.
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