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00:02BBC Television presents Tony Hancock in
00:07Hancock's our first
00:17Sid?
00:19Sid?
00:21Hi there!
00:23Sid?
00:25Good, he's out
00:37Mine, oh mine
00:39Me life savings
00:41Look at all that lovely loot there
00:44Ah, this is very comfortable
00:47Enough here to get anything I want in the world
00:50But I'm not going to because I'd sooner have the money
00:54Right lads, eyes down for the annual counter
01:03A blue pan note
01:06I've had you for a few years mate
01:08You were called in years ago
01:10Now that, you're still legal tender, in you go
01:15A silver threepenny bit
01:18You've seen the insider many have put in, haven't you?
01:21I remember digging you out
01:24Christmas in 1938, round at my Aunty Beatty's
01:28Now there's some memories amongst this lot
01:29There's some old favourites here
01:32Hello
01:33The three pennies that was thrown at me during the Royal Command performance
01:39Very embarrassing that was
01:41Particularly when everybody saw where they came from
01:45Still, trepens is trepens and that's all there is to it
01:49Who's that?
01:50Hey, sit
01:54Come on, come on
01:59Come on, Jomo, what's going on in there?
02:06Hang on
02:07Hang on
02:08Hang on a minute
02:18Come?
02:24Have you had a bird in here?
02:28That's a very unfair remark if I've ever heard one
02:31You're fully aware of my lack of success with the ladies
02:34Hasn't been a bird in here since the day that Collie Clackett got married
02:38I'll never forgive her for that on the very Saturday when I lashed out on her behalf, mind you
02:42One hundred and twenty quid for an Italian scooter and two skidlets
02:47You ask if I had any birds in here, I wouldn't give them house room
02:51You had the curtains drawn?
02:52Yes, well you know how sensitive I am, I don't like people looking in
02:56You were counting your money, weren't you?
02:59No, I wasn't
03:00Don't give me that old codswallop, you were counting your money, you were having your annual counter
03:04I haven't got any money, I'm a very poor man
03:06Turn it up, I know you've got a fortuna in this house, hidden away somewhere, only I don't know where
03:10it is
03:11And you never will do either
03:12Oh, so you admit it
03:14I don't admit anything
03:15No, well never mind about it
03:17I have come across the hottest business proposition that has come my way in years
03:22No
03:24You haven't even heard what it is yet
03:27I still haven't heard what it is, go on, say it again
03:33What?
03:33I said you haven't heard what it is yet
03:35I'm not interested, not a penny
03:37But this is a straight up and down, this is a marvellous proposition, it's a racing certainty
03:42They always are
03:43But never like this, I'm telling you it's an honest to goodness, legitimate business proposition
03:47Are you interested?
03:49No
03:51You fool, you short-sighted fool, you have been nagging at me for years to get into an honest business
03:55and this is it
03:57I have made a take-over bid for the most successful shop in Cheemey Street
04:04Not the Undertaker's
04:07All right, the second most successful shop, Mabel's Fish and Chip Parlor
04:11Mabel's Fish and Chip Parlor successful?
04:14She hasn't got rid of that bundle of newspapers I sold her last year yet
04:18She's making a bomb, I've seen the books
04:19She must be cooking them
04:21The only thing she can cook is that
04:22Never mind, that's got nothing to do with it
04:25It's the plans I've got for it that matter
04:27I'm going to make the whole place look like an underwater cave
04:31All the tables are going to be big oyster shells
04:34Seaweed hanging from the walls
04:36Fishing nets all over the place
04:37Plastic shrimps hanging from the ceiling
04:40And all the waitresses done up like mermaids hopping from table to table
04:46I suppose you'll have me in a big chair with a long beard holding a trident
04:51No, I don't think I'll do now
04:53Now, I'm going to clean up here
04:54A plate of fish and chips, a piece of bread and butter
04:58Pickled onion fauna tanner
04:59This really could be a household naming team
05:01El Fish and Chippo
05:04I'll clean up here and whoever comes into this with me is going to make a fortune
05:07And I'm going to do you a big favour and give you first refusal
05:09All right, I refuse
05:14Look, I'm serious about this
05:16I've put all the capital I've got into it
05:18I just need a little more money, that's all
05:20Sorry, Sid, I can see nothing but disaster in this scheme
05:22Save your money, boy, because you're not getting any of mine
05:26And that is your last word
05:28That is my last word
05:30You swine!
05:31You selfish swine!
05:33You know how much I've got my heart set on this and you won't lift a finger to help me
05:37All right, I won't forget this, you let me down in my hour of need
05:41No, don't get some maudlin
05:42Oh, it's all right
05:43I'll get that money, don't you, Wally
05:45You won't stop me
05:45There are lots of other ways of getting it
05:48What do you mean by that?
05:50Never you mind about that?
05:51You've had your chance
05:51You wouldn't give it to me
05:53I'll have to get hold of it some other way
06:20I'll have to get hold of it some other way
06:25laughter
06:45Well, Mr James, I think this sounds like a very good investment
06:48and the bank will be only too happy to oblige
06:50I've arranged for you to have an overdraft of 2,500.
06:53We're always happy to help any of our customers
06:55who have a solid business proposition like Elfish and Chippo.
06:59Well, I think that's marvellous.
07:01I just can't understand why the boys come in here with masks and guns
07:04when they can get it as easy as this.
07:06We prefer to do business this way, of course.
07:08Yes, of course you do.
07:09Well, I'll let you have the deeds as soon as the deal's completed.
07:11Thank you very much, Mr. James.
07:12And may I wish you every success in your new venture.
07:14Thank you. You've been a big help. Set up.
07:15Good afternoon.
07:25Little Women.
07:32All right, Harry, I'll have these two, please.
07:34Hello, Sid.
07:37Successful shopkeeping and the art of catering.
07:39It's out of your usual line, isn't it?
07:40Yeah, well, I'm going to open up a business
07:42and I thought I'd better read up on the whys and wherefores.
07:44Oh, I see. Oh, Sid, I've just remembered.
07:46I've got a marvellous book here that you like right up your street.
07:49Yeah.
07:49You like crime books, don't you?
07:50What is it? Who done it?
07:51No, it's all true stuff. All unsolved murders.
07:54Look.
07:55Perfect murders of the 20th century.
07:58Very good it is.
07:59All the old dears are taking it out.
08:00Yeah, well, I'll give it a flip through.
08:02Chapter 18's a lovely one.
08:04Beautiful murder. Blood all over the place.
08:07Marvellous bit of work.
08:08Yeah, all right.
08:09If you get any more stuff on business, let me have it, will you?
08:11I'll do that soon.
08:11Sooner.
08:12Bye-bye.
08:33Hello.
08:35Hello.
08:40How are they?
08:42I'm all right.
08:44Oh, good.
08:48You're not annoyed with me for not lending you the money then?
08:51Oh, no, that's all right.
08:52I told you I'd get the money one way or another.
08:56So, er, you're quite happy then?
08:59Oh, yes.
09:00I'm quite happy.
09:01Got it all worked out.
09:07Where are you, er, where are you going to get the money then?
09:11Here and there.
09:12Dodging about.
09:13I got my methods.
09:14Yes.
09:16Yes, of course.
09:18I mean, you understand why I couldn't see my way of cleaning you the money?
09:21Of course.
09:22It's all right.
09:23Don't worry about it.
09:24Yes.
09:27What are you reading?
09:28A book I've got in the library.
09:37So you're, er, you're not holding it against me then?
09:42I understand.
09:42It's all right.
09:45Oh, well.
09:46I'm going to bed.
09:47Good night.
09:48Good night.
09:50We're, er, we're still friends then?
09:53Yeah, we're friends.
09:55Yeah.
09:56I mean, you appreciate my position.
09:58I will have to pay for the budger regardless and that.
10:00All right, sure.
10:00I didn't feel like...
10:02I told you, I'd get the money.
10:08I don't like it.
10:11He's far too happy about it.
10:14He shouldn't be so complacent about not getting the money.
10:17He should be dead shattered.
10:19He's up to something.
10:21I've got it all worked out, he said.
10:24I've got my methods, he said.
10:26What did he mean?
10:28He doesn't know anybody else who's got any money, but he's still going through with it.
10:32And he's being far too nice to me.
10:35He's plotting something.
10:38What's he up to?
10:40What is he going to do?
10:50Perfect murders of the 20th century.
10:53He's going to do me.
10:58I knew he was up to something.
11:00Oh, no.
11:00He wouldn't do that not said.
11:04He wouldn't murder me for a fish and chip shop.
11:09Not his best friend.
11:12I mean more to him than a couple of lumps of rock salmon.
11:16Of course you do, you're a hysterical fool.
11:20Ah, you have to have a far bigger reason for killing somebody than some tatty fish and chip shop.
11:28Chapter 18.
11:29This is a story of a man who killed his best friend for the sake of a ten-shilling note.
11:38A ten-shilling note?
11:41And he's after 2,500.
11:44I'll get the money one way or the other, he said.
11:48Oh, this is like Agatha Christie.
11:51It's like the ten little niggers.
11:54And I'm all ten of them.
11:57Oh, this is too ridiculous for words.
11:59I must pull myself together.
12:02Sid, murder me.
12:03How absurd can you be?
12:06What are the facts?
12:08What are the facts?
12:11Sid has set his heart on a fish and chip shop.
12:14He's asked me if I will lend him the money.
12:17I have refused and he's reading about perfect murders.
12:22Do you think that is enough evidence?
12:25Do you really think?
12:30That that is enough evidence?
12:36Well, it's good enough for me, mate. I know.
12:47What are you standing there for?
12:49Just come down to lock up the doors.
12:51What are you locking the doors for?
12:53I always lock the doors.
12:54Yeah, but what are you locking the doors tonight for?
12:55For the same reason I lock them every night, to stop people getting in.
12:58What's the matter with you?
13:00Well, I'll never really lock the back door.
13:03All right, I'll lock up the windows then.
13:11You going up the bed?
13:12Yes.
13:13No.
13:15What do you want to know for?
13:16Well, I only want to know if you're coming up to bed or if you're going to stop down here
13:19all night.
13:20I see. You want me to go to bed?
13:22Well, yes. I don't want you clumping around here all night. I want to get some sleep.
13:26I see. You want me in bed fast asleep, no doubt.
13:28Well, it's night time, innit?
13:30Hell, it's easier when people are asleep, innit?
13:33Buddy, what are you talking about?
13:36I've decided I'm stopping down here.
13:38All right, stop down here. I don't care. Good luck to you.
13:41Oh, you want me to stop down here, do you? That's your plan, is it?
13:44Stop down here.
13:46Go upstairs.
13:47Run round the block.
13:48I don't care what you do as long as you don't make a noise.
13:51I'll make a noise, all right, mate. The neighbours, they hear me. Don't you worry.
13:56Are you feeling all right?
13:57Get your hands off.
14:02Yes, of course I'm feeling all right at the moment.
14:04I've changed my mind. I'm going up to bed.
14:06I'm not stopping here with you roaming around the house all night.
14:09I'm going to bolt the door to me room, too.
14:11You can bore up the windows, mate. I don't care as long as I get some kip.
14:15After you.
14:39Go, go, go, go.
14:46Come on.
14:47Come on.
14:47Come on.
14:57Good night.
14:58He's acting very strange.
15:00What's up with him?
15:03Have a funny look in his eye.
15:06Oh, she's frightened the life of the hell. I have to watch him.
15:12I've forgotten my salt beef sandwich.
15:15I can't go to sleep without my salt beef sandwich.
15:19What am I talking of?
15:29Oh, he's off. He's on the move.
15:33He's searching for a weapon.
15:35No, no, he's checking the money.
15:37So that before he does it, so that he knows it's going to be worth his while.
15:40Yes. Well, we'll soon see about that.
15:57Oh, my God.
16:23Oh, no. Not that, not the knife. What a way to go.
16:27Twelve and a half inches of cold Sheffield across your tonsils.
16:33The fiend, the cold-blooded fiend.
16:36What's his next move?
16:38When's he going to do it?
16:40Of course, the book. He's working to the book.
16:47X-X-1, X-X-1, X-X-II, X-I-X-V, X-X-V.
16:51Roman numerals, they drive you mad.
16:58Chapter 18.
17:00He crept into his friend's bedroom,
17:02and while the poor unsuspecting wretch was fast asleep,
17:06he plunged the bread knife through the sheets down to the hilt
17:1118 times and then with a mad frenzy.
17:13Wait a minute. This is chapter 17.
17:19I didn't fancy the mad frenzy one bit.
17:23Now then.
17:24Chapter 18. That's the one he was reading, yes.
17:26This one also crept into his friend's bedroom.
17:37Funny, he's supposed to be in bed.
17:39Now, while his friend was fast asleep,
17:42he crept into the room, stood over him,
17:45pulled the trigger and let loose the contents of his double-barreled shotgun into the inert body.
17:50Yes, that's the way.
17:51It'll be done.
17:57He's going to do me in.
18:02What's he want to do me in for his best friend?
18:05What am I thinking about? He wouldn't do that, not anchor.
18:08He wouldn't hurt a fly.
18:11I haven't got anything he wants.
18:15Oh, yes I have.
18:17My fish and chip shop.
18:20He's going to do me in so he can have it himself.
18:23The swine. The cold-blooded swine. Protection.
18:25I've got that protection.
18:31Well, he's not getting me as easily as all that.
18:51If he starts anything, I'm ready for him.
18:52I'm ready for now.
18:56You've got to get my .
19:20Why?
19:22We're good.
19:44Yes, well, I don't suppose them two lazy so-and-sos are up yet.
19:48Oh, I'm turning this job in.
19:50It's that fat one.
19:51He's the cunning one.
19:53Only for a week, he said, just while I'm ill, five years ago, that was.
19:59I suppose I'd better let him know I've got his weed killer for him.
20:02I'll leave him to put it away himself.
20:04I'm not touching it.
20:06I suppose I might as well bring the breakfast things in now,
20:08but I'm turning it in next week.
20:10I'm giving him my notice.
20:12It isn't worth it.
20:13Four and six a week, I ask you.
20:14Is that a living way to...
20:48I'll leave him alone.
20:49I'll leave him alone.
20:49I've moved him.
20:51I'll leave him.
20:51I sent them away to be sharpened, to be different, to have new handles put on them.
20:56You'll have to make it with spoons, then.
20:58You can't eat bacon and egg with spoons.
21:00It's all the data to your fingers, isn't it?
21:03Well, I'm not bothered. I've got a knife.
21:15Oh, this is useless.
21:16Lend me a knife a minute.
21:18You're joking.
21:19Oh, come on. I can't even cut me breakfast up.
21:22Give us your gun first.
21:24What for? You can't eat breakfast with a gun.
21:27You don't get my knife till I've got your gun. Let's swap.
21:30Oh, very well, then.
21:34Watch it, watch it.
21:38I wonder why I didn't notice his eyes before.
21:42They're real murderer's eyes. Look at them.
21:45The cold, ruthless cunning.
21:47The eyes of a killer.
21:50Homicidal maniac written all over his face.
21:54When I think of how long I've known him, I go cold.
21:58He's evil.
22:00He's dead evil.
22:04I saw the way he cut the bacon up.
22:07Very professional.
22:09You can't use a knife like that and be normal.
22:13I don't think he knows I suspect him.
22:15I've been acting very normally.
22:16What's he looking at me for?
22:19He's got that look again.
22:21He's mad.
22:23Look at his eyes.
22:25Shifty.
22:28He's a born killer.
22:30He enjoys it.
22:31He likes killing people.
22:32You can see it in his face.
22:34He's gloating over me, relishing it.
22:37He can't wait to see my lifeless body spread out all over the floor.
22:44I always thought he was harmless.
22:47I don't think he knows I suspect him.
22:49I've been playing it pretty cool.
22:52He's staring at me again.
22:55He loathes me.
22:57Look at those hands.
22:58Look at the strength in them.
23:00Strangler's hands they are.
23:03I feel a moment of choking me, squeezing the knife out of me.
23:06He started twitching.
23:08They always twitch.
23:10Just let him make one move and I'll have him.
23:15He's going for the gun.
23:18Go on, then one move and I'll have you.
23:26Ah, he's just remembered he can't do it while Mrs. Cravat's here.
23:29He's changed his mind.
23:30He's going to wait until Mrs. Cravat's gone.
23:35I didn't reckon on him shooting me.
23:37According to the book, he's going to knife me.
23:41What's it to be?
23:42Knife or gun?
23:43Oh, the cunning fiend.
23:48Poison.
23:50He's going to poison me.
23:52Twisted up on the floor with me tongue hanging out of me cake hole.
23:56He's a horrible way of old.
23:58He's a monster.
23:59A cold-blooded monster.
24:04That wasn't there last night.
24:07He's been out and bought it this morning.
24:11Perhaps he's already done it.
24:13I thought that egg tasted a bit of it.
24:16I've been poisoned.
24:17I can feel it just starting to work.
24:19A doctor.
24:20I must get to a doctor.
24:21You're a monster.
24:22You're a black-hearted monster.
24:27It's a trick.
24:28What's he up to now?
24:30He wouldn't go before he's done me in.
24:36He's already done it.
24:40That's why he's gone.
24:41He's already done it.
24:44He poisoned me.
24:46I thought that egg was a bit open.
24:49I'm dying.
24:50Doctor.
24:51Doctor.
24:54Doctor.
24:59Doctor, I've been poisoned.
25:01After work class, I haven't got much time.
25:03It's probably something rare.
25:03South American poison.
25:04Unknown medical science.
25:05I can feel it burning my insides out.
25:06I'm dying.
25:07Keep calm, Mr. Hancock.
25:08I'll examine you.
25:09Relax, Mr. James.
25:10I'll have a look at you.
25:16There's nothing the matter with you.
25:17It's imagination.
25:18The pain.
25:19You're eating too much.
25:20Go on a diet.
25:20I'll give you some pills.
25:21I can't find anything wrong with you.
25:23You're as fit as a fiddle.
25:24He's burning me inside out.
25:25I'm dying, I tell you.
25:26You've been drinking too much.
25:28I'll give you a tonic.
25:29You're wasting your time on the pills.
25:30I tell you why I'm being poisoned.
25:32You are not being poisoned.
25:33That's what they said to Mrs. Crippen.
25:34Would you please stop wasting my time?
25:37There you are.
25:37Very well.
25:38I warn you, I'm coming off your panel.
25:40I'm going to get a second opinion.
25:42There you are.
25:43A bottle of red stuff, that's no good to me.
25:45I want some anti-weed killer injections.
25:46Look, now, there's nothing the matter with you.
25:48Will you kindly leave the surgery?
25:49Oh, I'm going to get another opinion.
25:50Yes, you do that.
25:55Doctor, I'm fine.
26:10I'm all right.
26:12No blood.
26:14I'm still here
26:23Dear Sid
26:25My life means more to me than my money
26:27You can have every penny I've got
26:30If you promise not to do me in
26:33Dear Hancock
26:34I can't stand this any longer
26:35You can have my fish and chip shop
26:37But please don't murder me
26:38Sid
26:41What are you talking about?
26:43What are you accusing me of?
26:44You were trying to murder me
26:45I thought you were trying to murder me
26:46No, what do I want to murder you for?
26:48Because you were after my money
26:50No, no, no
26:50You were after my fish and chip shop
26:52How dare you Hancocks don't run fish and chip shops
26:56It was you who was after my money
26:58I don't need your money
26:58I got an overdraft from the bank
27:01What do you mean you weren't going to murder me then?
27:03Of course I wasn't going to murder you
27:05But I thought that you
27:06Well, we've behaved like a couple of real Charlies
27:10Haven't we on the court?
27:11Well, that's marvellous, isn't it?
27:12After all these years
27:13And we didn't even trust each other
27:14How long is it?
27:16Ten years?
27:16Fifteen?
27:17Well, I apologise, Sid
27:19I really do
27:20Well, I'm sorry too
27:21Come on, let's go and have some breakfast
27:22Good idea
27:23How could we do it?
27:24I don't understand it
27:25Fancy me suspecting
27:32I mean, you whore people
27:33My oldest friend
27:35Morning
27:36Morning
27:41Who's he?
27:42He's an old friend of the family
27:43He's coming to spend a few days
27:46Who's that then?
27:47Oh, that's my cousin
27:47He's spending a couple of weeks with me
27:50Fancy you thinking I was going to poison you
27:52Fancy you thinking I was going to poison you
27:53Well, I'm ashamed
27:54I really am
27:55How am I?
27:56Distrust is a terrible thing, isn't it?
27:57It certainly is
27:58Taste that
28:05I mean, if you can't trust your friends
28:07Life's not worth living, is it?
28:08It certainly is
28:15Cheers
28:15God bless
28:17I mean, after all
28:18Trust is the basis of all friendship, isn't it?
28:21Yes
28:29Well, what was it Byron said?
28:30Well, I don't know
28:31I'll pan, but it was
28:32Well, I'll pan, but it was
29:02Little Red
29:06Little Red
29:07Little Red
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