- 5 weeks ago
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00:00BBC television presents Tony Hancock in...
00:07Hancock's half hour.
00:12Stone me, this is hopeless.
00:35What's the matter with you?
00:55I don't know, I think I've got a cold coming.
01:05Oh blimey, do you have to make all that noise?
01:08I can't help it, I'm ill.
01:11I don't just enjoy sitting here coughing me ribs up.
01:16Any sympathy with the afflicted?
01:19What's the matter, you've got a cold?
01:21You want sympathy?
01:22Everybody gets colds.
01:24Not like I get them.
01:25Oh of course they do.
01:26No they don't.
01:27Samples, that's all they get.
01:30Me, I get the full output of the entire germ kingdom.
01:34Millions of them, all those big indestructible ones.
01:36Flags waving on the march, straight up me hooter.
01:42Here's a complete conquest it is.
01:45All my resistance goes, scattered to the remote parts of me body.
01:48All me red corpuscles hiding away in corners, frightened to come out and I don't blame them.
01:53I don't blame them with the sort of germs that I get.
01:56I get those big ones with the haired eggs and pointed teeth.
02:02Like you see in the kitchen sink adverts.
02:06I don't imagine all that rubbish you keep taking helps any.
02:09These? These are all tried and tested.
02:11These are the only things between me and the black Rolls Royce mate.
02:14Oh do me a favour, none of that stuff can kill cold germs.
02:17No but they might wake my lads up a bit, get them regrouped for a counter attack.
02:21If you'll excuse me it's time I submerge again whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop.
02:30Me back, me back. Me back, me back.
02:33Stayed under too long there.
02:39Had to take a snorkel down next time.
02:42Very nasty moment. The fumes got me.
02:44Well, it serves you right.
02:46What do you want to tell you?
02:47Why don't you chuck your stuff out of the window?
02:48It's none of it's any good. Look at it.
02:50Cuff it up cold capsules.
02:53With a K.
02:55Take 20 tablets every half an hour.
02:58An extra 20 before meals.
03:00And a box full before going to bed.
03:03Warning.
03:04It is dangerous to exceed the state it does.
03:09Good job you reminded me.
03:10Count out a couple of hundred, will you?
03:11I'm a few hours behind.
03:13You can't take any more of these.
03:14You sound like a pair of maracas.
03:17They're doing me good.
03:17They clear me bloodstream and lubricate me bronchial tubes.
03:20So as to prepare the way for half a glass of that.
03:24Dr. Harvey McConnell's lung syrup.
03:27Sounds like a load of old jollop.
03:29Old jollop? It's world famous, this is.
03:31My old grandmother used to swear by Dr. Harvey McConnell's lung syrup.
03:35Had a bottle a day every day of her life.
03:37She couldn't give it up in the end.
03:38It's got morphine in it.
03:44What does it do?
03:45It paralyzes the nerves so that you can't taste this stuff.
03:47No, Sirene McTavish's cold coal and flu elixir.
03:56Well, that works in conjunction with these.
03:58Which helps to augment half a dozen of these.
04:00Which clears the way for these to have a bash.
04:02Which strengthens the action of these.
04:04Which sets things up for this to make the final kill.
04:06And if you've still got a cold, then...
04:08There.
04:09Take two aspirins and a glass of milk.
04:18Oh, blimey, you aren't my conviacs.
04:20You're so gullible.
04:21You've only got to stick something in a blue bottle,
04:23bunk some cotton wool in it, and you've got to have it.
04:25They'll all be banned from human consumption.
04:27None of it's any good.
04:28Of course it is.
04:28It's all been hospital tested.
04:30I've seen them on television and the adverts.
04:32Miracles worked every night.
04:33The diagram of the sore throat.
04:37The tonsils throbbing away there.
04:41Arrows pointing towards them.
04:43White circles coming out of them.
04:44Doink, doink, doink, doink.
04:47The cough suite goes down.
04:49All the good arrows come piling out,
04:50knocking the bad arrows for six.
04:52The white circles get smaller and smaller and it's all gone.
04:55Your cough's gone.
04:56Your broken ears standing up on end.
04:59Your head stops pounding.
05:00You start handing the chocolates round at the dance.
05:02Playing tennis, going shopping.
05:03Oh, it's marvellous.
05:04I'll be up and about again in next to no time.
05:07Achoo!
05:09Rub me chest for some of that, will you?
05:13You must stick my fingers in that, mate.
05:15You rub your own chest.
05:16Oh, callous.
05:18How can you be so offhand in the presence of sickness?
05:20I'm an invalid.
05:20I require attention.
05:22You should nurse me.
05:23Oh, hang on a minute.
05:24I'll go and light me lamp.
05:25Oh, baby.
05:27Blimey, what a drama.
05:28You've got a cold.
05:29So what?
05:29What do you want me to do?
05:30Go in the morning?
05:31Burn a couple of justice?
05:33You've got a cold.
05:34You'll get over it.
05:35It's all right for you.
05:35You never get anything wrong with you.
05:37Six colds I've had this year, and you haven't had a thing.
05:39Not a sniffle.
05:41It's not fair.
05:41I object.
05:42Why couldn't we have had three each?
05:43Oh, God.
05:45I've had enough of this.
05:46I'm going now.
05:46Go on.
05:47Go out.
05:47Leave me.
05:47Go on.
05:48Leave me here to suffer alone.
05:50Probably won't be here tomorrow morning.
05:53Lying on the floor, rigid.
05:56Flapping me back with me legs sticking up in the air.
05:58Your tongue hanging out.
05:59Go on.
06:00Go on.
06:00Leave me on to my...
06:00Oh, I'm going, mate.
06:02I'm not hanging around here listening to you copping and sneezing your way all around the house.
06:06Wheezing and sniffing all night long.
06:08I'm going to go mix with some nice healthy people for the change.
06:10You unfeeling brute.
06:12Wait till you're ill.
06:13See if you get any sip of the air out of me.
06:15You won't be coming to the dance, then?
06:17Am I in a fit state to go to a dance?
06:19I'd be a sensation, wouldn't I?
06:21I can just imagine all the birds snuggling up, swooning with ecstasy at the intoxicating scent of the camphorated oil coming through me T-shirt.
06:30Have a bit of scents, Sid, please.
06:32Well, have a nice time.
06:33Dr. Wilbur's Medicated Lung Balsam.
06:481953, I think.
06:49Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
07:19Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
07:49Gotcha, I gotcha!
07:58Do you have to keep coughing and sneezing?
08:01How can I stop coughing? Is that thing that's making me cough?
08:04That crop sprayer you've got there.
08:08How can a man help coughing with great clouds of perfumed insect killer
08:11irritating his nasal linings?
08:13It's hygienic.
08:14It's horrible. Smells like a Peruvian Doss house in here.
08:17I'll stop spraying when you stop coughing.
08:20I've told you it's that stuff!
08:22Well, it doesn't make me cough and it doesn't irritate my nose.
08:25I'm not surprised at that thing.
08:30Nothing would irritate that.
08:32All the feeling was battered out of that years ago.
08:36That's not a nose anymore.
08:39There's no muscles in it, no valves, no mechanism.
08:42You've got no control over that whatsoever.
08:44It's just a straight-forward head ventilator.
08:51The wind goes up one side, comes down the other.
08:53It's nothing to do with it.
08:56Now, this is a different proposition.
08:57This is a sensitive instrument.
08:59I can pick up Evening in Paris at 25 yards of this.
09:03This is protecting me against your germs
09:05and as long as you keep polluting the atmosphere,
09:07I'm going to defend myself.
09:08Well, defend yourself, yes.
09:09No need to go out and burn me bedclothes like you did this morning.
09:14I've got a cold, mate.
09:15It's not the Great Plague of London.
09:16What if you don't go out and paint a yellow cross at the door?
09:21Hang a little bell down my neck.
09:23Ding, ding, ding.
09:24Unclean, unclean.
09:25Afraid.
09:26Take to the hills.
09:27Take to the hills.
09:28Hancock's on the streets.
09:31Oh, I've got a headache with it now.
09:33I was only clearing my throat.
09:38You started me off to get down with that thing.
09:41Come here.
09:42Come here.
09:43If you bring another one of those things in this room, I'll murder you.
09:45Oh, go on then.
09:46Go on.
09:47Why not the rubber gloves and the white Wellingtons?
09:48Go on.
09:49Do it properly.
09:51Oh.
09:53Doesn't that cold make you feel miserable?
09:56Let's get some more of those black-currant pastels.
09:59That makes you feel so depressed.
10:00It's got a head like a balloon, yeah?
10:04I wish I was dead.
10:06What was that?
10:07So do I.
10:10Hello.
10:12Here it comes.
10:13Me tonsils are coming up.
10:15I thought I'm in for the full lot this time.
10:18Strange, me legs haven't started going yet.
10:21They usually go before the tonsils, they switch round this time.
10:23No, no, there they go, they're off, yes.
10:25Yes, they're softening up.
10:26Yes, this is the crucial period.
10:28This is the crisis now.
10:30Either I shall slowly get better, or I've had it.
10:34It'll be the shivers down the back tomorrow.
10:36Hot and cold waves every five seconds.
10:39Hello.
10:40The aches are settling in here.
10:42I'm going far.
10:43Oh, the dizzy spells, that was a nasty.
10:47Oh.
10:48Oh, that was nasty, that was.
10:49Quick, is that the ceiling?
10:50No, it's the wall.
10:51That's it, then.
10:52I've got it.
10:53Galloping flu.
10:54Oh.
10:55Get Mrs. Cravat round.
10:56You're not having Mrs. Cravat in here with her voodoo cures, her and her sister, the Witches of Salem?
11:01Don't mock things you don't understand.
11:03She's had some marvellous results, that woman.
11:05Even the vicar had her in.
11:06Cured his arthritis in no time, she did.
11:08Sprink of mistletoe tied to his leg and an onion in his pocket.
11:11He was up those pulpit stairs three at a time.
11:16Now, you tell Mrs. Cravat to come in.
11:18Tell her to bring her herbs with her.
11:19Oh, me back's seizing up.
11:21I haven't got long to go.
11:23I don't think I'll see the nighter.
11:26I'm going to bed.
11:28Oh.
11:48No.
11:49No, it can't be.
11:50It can't be.
11:51That's more like it.
11:56Have me worried there.
12:0283.2, that's better.
12:07The man of my cart is here.
12:10Hello, Mrs. Cravat.
12:11You've gone here just in time.
12:12I'm a very sick man.
12:13Don't worry.
12:14We'll soon have you up and about again.
12:16Now then, what's wrong with you?
12:17I've got a very heavy cold.
12:18I'm afraid it might develop into something more serious.
12:20I've taken my temperature.
12:22Look, I'm not interested in all things like that rubbish.
12:25Thermometers, medicine.
12:27No.
12:28Here.
12:30You put that in your mouth.
12:35What is it?
12:36It's a freshly cut twig from an horse chestnut tree.
12:39It's one that hasn't borne any conkers for the past three seasons.
12:43If your blood's got the fever, the sap will rise.
12:47And how can you tell if the sap is rising?
12:49Watch that leaf.
12:50If that withers and dies, you'll follow it within the week.
12:58Thank you very much.
12:59Open.
13:00Oh.
13:01Oh.
13:02Oh, good, good.
13:03There's still a chance.
13:04I'm going to mix you a potion to break the fever.
13:05Now then, let me see.
13:06Have you cold?
13:07Uh, yes.
13:08That's the boiled dot leaves and roots of the deadly nut.
13:09No.
13:10No.
13:11No.
13:12No, I'm wrong.
13:13That's measles.
13:14No.
13:15No.
13:16No.
13:17No, you want the, uh, yes.
13:18The four ounces of ollie roots.
13:19Oh, and have you got a nutmeg?
13:20What for?
13:21Me old man's rice pudding.
13:52Don't mind about your old man's rice pudding.
13:53You concentrate on my cold.
13:54Get us a potion mixed up.
13:55Let me get it down me.
13:56Well, you're not going to drink this.
13:57I'm going to place it in a bowl and you'll inhale it.
13:59And here's another thing, that bed's facing the wrong way round.
14:05The rays of the full moon won't get anywhere near you like that.
14:08The rays of the full moon?
14:09What interests they to me?
14:10I've got a cold.
14:11I'm not interested in sitting out in the garden baying all night.
14:16The rays of the full moon are invaluable in the treatment of the aigu.
14:23It's been handed down for generations.
14:27It's clearly writ in the almanac.
14:30The razor of a mole must pass all the bed
14:32if you don't want to die from a cold in the head.
14:37Well, I can't quite see him doing this in Harley Street,
14:40but I'll have a go.
14:41I'm not having any cockerels strangled over me bedclothes.
14:45What if a live toad sitting in a semicircle?
14:47I'm not having any of that. Let's get that quite straight.
14:49Just what are you inferring?
14:51This isn't black magic. I'm not a witch, you know.
14:53I'm not suggesting you are, Mrs Gravatt.
14:54The idea of you nipping about on a broomstick is quite ludicrous.
14:57Look, all my family have been doing this sort of thing for generations
15:00with never a suggestion of unnatural practices.
15:04I have no intention of accusing you of unnatural practices.
15:07Let's forget about the strangled cockerels and get on with the dried nettles.
15:10Oh, all right then.
15:13Mr James?
15:15Yeah?
15:15I want his bed moved round.
15:17Where do you want it?
15:18Round like that.
15:21That's it.
15:24Now then.
15:28The protective barrier.
15:31Sweep a circle round and true.
15:35Stop this cold becoming flu.
15:39Well, that's plain enough.
15:43That's the flu got rid of.
15:45I'm beginning to feel better already.
15:46Yes.
15:47And don't you dare to step outside that circle that has been put there to protect you.
15:52Now, we've just got to get rid of that fever and you'll be ready to start mending.
15:57Are you ready?
15:58Yes.
16:00Do you believe in the power of nature to cure all the oars?
16:05Yes, yes.
16:10Cold, cold, go away.
16:14Come again another day.
16:18Mr Hancock wants to play in the meadows far away.
16:26What are you doing?
16:29I'm drawing it out.
16:31Can't you feel it leaving you?
16:33Can't you feel this fever being dragged out of you?
16:37Yes, yes.
16:38It's getting better.
16:38It's going.
16:39It's going.
16:39I can feel it, yes.
16:41Fever, fever.
16:42Hear me shout.
16:43Ague, ague.
16:45Come on out.
16:47Oh, the relief, the relief.
16:52It's working, it's working.
16:53We shan't need the nettles after this.
16:55Yes, it's coming out.
16:56There's not much of it left.
17:00Oh, my goodness.
17:02Get out, you fraud.
17:05You're as bad as all the rest of them.
17:06You don't even believe it yourself.
17:07Well, I don't want to catch your cold, do I?
17:11We haven't all worked up then.
17:12I thought I was getting better.
17:13You are a charlatan, madam.
17:14Go on, get out.
17:15Get out.
17:16Go on up it.
17:17Take your crushed aubergine pips with you.
17:20Oh, I've got to relapse now.
17:21I'm worse than I was before.
17:22Well, it's not my fault I've done me best.
17:25I'll have the law on you.
17:26Don't you speak to me like that.
17:28I'm a respectable woman.
17:30I've had great success with other people.
17:32I've got testimonials, too.
17:35I can't help it if you're not in sympathy.
17:37Good morning.
17:40Oh, you might try a dead mango underneath your pillow.
17:46Good morning.
17:48Chimps.
17:50Oh, my God.
17:57Oh, my God.
17:59Sure.
18:01Okay.
18:03Oh, I'll show you.
18:06Oh, my God.
18:06Oh, my God.
18:07Oh, my God.
18:07Oh, Speaker.
18:08Oh, my God.
18:08Oh, my God.
18:10Oh, my God.
18:11Oh, my God.
18:11Oh, my God.
18:12what's the matter with you i've only got a cold the same as you have
18:20see lloyd george is dead then
18:28how long have you had yours then i beg your pardon you're cold how long have you had it
18:38three days beginner i've had mine a fortnight listen to this
18:52hear that can't get anything like that in three days took me a fortnight to get it like that
18:56let's see yours come on come on come on don't be shy
19:00there's nothing there is there you'll be back at work tomorrow your nose is too white that's your
19:12trouble when you get a throbber like that that's what you've got to worry oh i can definitely say
19:17i'm worse than you are i think i ought to go in first you wait your turn i've been here three
19:20quarters of an hour please don't want to take the risk what risk i think i've got asian flu
19:27i'm very infectious you know oh it spreads like wildfire once you come into contact into germs
19:32on your back for weeks i'm told it's a much stronger germ than in last year's epidemic
19:39it's not only asian flu of course there's a touch of the african in there as well
19:43it's a stronger sort of gem altogether next please thank you very much
19:58doctor i'm in a terrible state i've had this cold for a foot i'll be with you in a minute
20:03i don't think it's really worthwhile my stay in here quite honestly
20:10oh dear yes just come sit down there would you please
20:15now then what seems to be the trouble i've got a cold well what do you expect me to do about it
20:23just tell me if you can't do anything about it who can i sound surprised to see you in a state like
20:27this after all you a doctor of all people physician you myself
20:31not a very good advert is it sorry i i can't help it i just don't seem to be able to throw it off
20:38oh good heavens man have a few of these here we are look at this there we are
20:42i haven't tried these uh what are they like they're very good for temporary relief you know oh yes yes
20:47very pleasant i've been using these oh no no no no no no no no these are no good no they tear your
20:54throat to ribbons these do really yes yes you want to steer well clear of these what else you've
20:59been using well there's uh yes i've got those i've got these i haven't got those i don't know you can
21:05drink this stuff for a start got that one that's no good hello i haven't tried this one what's this
21:11one is this any good dr fielding's fast flu fighter it hasn't done me any good do you mind if i have
21:18another of your sweets oh this is ridiculous i don't pay 10 and 30 a week to come around and get
21:23you better you must have something here let's have a look in the cup now come away from there you
21:29must have something here i suppose you're saving it for your private patients are you i know your
21:33sort you're another hurry line now come away from that cup there's nothing in there that's any good
21:37for a cold i'll have some of this this'll do me but that's warfare well that'll do it'll put me out of
21:40me misery it won't do your cold any good i know but i won't care will i i'll have some of this give us a
21:44jab now don't you understand i've got a call and so have i well you have a shot as well don't be
21:48ridiculous i can't stand this i've had this cold a fortnight i've had mine longer than that i didn't
21:52mind you give me something for my cold if i had something don't you think i'll be using it myself
21:56wait no need to shout come away from this cupboard for goodness sake and sit down there before i send
21:59for the police to report you to the bsa refusing to render assistance to a dying man have a little
22:10sniff out of my bowl i've got my own bowl thank you very much sorry then there's nothing i can do
22:14for you i'm afraid we just have to let nature take its course that's all now if you don't mind i'm
22:18afraid i've got a splitting headache a very sore throat and my feet hurt so there's nothing further
22:24you can suggest well you could try mrs cravat down the road i've tried that she's hopeless yes she didn't
22:29do me very much good either i've been carrying this raw onion about in my pocket for the last three days
22:38it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference did you have the moonbeams across the bed oh yes yes
22:44drawing it out that's right right yes stone me your life in their hands
22:49in future the only custom you'll get from me will be for cuts and bruises good day to you
23:08my dear might be help if i could taste it could be anything
23:22what is it scrambled egg or custard i don't know i might as well turn at it
23:31how'd you get on hopeless the doctor couldn't do anything mrs cravat couldn't do anything nobody
23:34could do anything what a way to live the age of the 60s they can put a man on the moon a rocket
23:40halfway around venus and still there are blokes down here who can't taste their scrambled egg
23:46it's not good enough first things first i say
23:48it seems to be completely unfair is all this really necessary
24:09have you finished you wouldn't like to run a gaga counter over me or anything
24:13i don't want to pollute society i don't know why you bother you never get colds anyway i don't know
24:17how you do it oh if i never get rid of this one i'll never get another one tell me sid how do you
24:22keep free a cold what's the secret what's the difference between you and i i can't stand this
24:25any longer it's simple mate i just keep myself fit a fit body resists anything now look at you
24:31you can't go through life catching six colds every winter regular your body can't stand the strain
24:37get worse and worse every winter so one day the final sneeze you blow yourself straight out of bed
24:41right into a box a box no not that look i'll tell you what i'll do with you i'll put you on
24:49a keep fit course you come out with me every morning for a week bit of boxing bit of road
24:53work i guarantee you get rid of that cold you'll never get another one as long as you live
25:11as long as you live in the morning for a week you'll never get another one as long as you live in the morning for a week
25:21the wind is a great time to get rid of that cold you'll never get rid of that cold you'll never get rid of it
25:25Oh, my God.
25:55Oh, my God.
26:25Oh, my God.
26:55Oh, my God.
27:25What's wrong with you?
27:34What's right with me? That's what I want to know.
27:37You got rid of your cold, haven't you?
27:39Oh, yes, I got rid of that, all right.
27:40It's nothing to what I got now.
27:41I sprained my wrist, I can't bend my leg.
27:43My feet are covered in blisters, and I think I've broken my neck.
27:45You're never satisfied.
27:48You're always stung, always moaning.
27:49You've never been healthier than you are now, boy.
27:51That's the trouble.
27:51I felt much better when I was ill.
27:54I never knew when I was well off when I had cold.
27:56Lying in bed all day, all wrapped up in front of a great blazing fire.
28:00Oh, it was a nice, comfortable life.
28:01Look at me now.
28:01I'm a wreck of a man.
28:02Oh, blimey, you're crackers.
28:03You don't want to start catching any more colds, do you?
28:05I do, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
28:07Everybody's got their own way of living, and mine is to be completely out of condition.
28:11I want me cold back, I want me cold back.
28:13I can't stand being healthier any longer.
28:15It's killing me.
28:16Come back, Germans.
28:17Come on back.
28:18Come on, Germans.
28:19Here you are.
28:20I'm over here.
28:20Your old friend, I ain't got...
28:22Shut up, Wendell.
28:22What's the matter with you?
28:27That's my trouble, and I want it back.
28:29Come on.
28:30Come on, give it up.
28:31Come on, let's have it.
28:32Come on.
28:33Good lad, come on.
28:34Spread it around.
28:34It's all of a share.
28:35Don't be greedy.
28:38Got it.
28:38That's it.
28:40Everybody to bed.
28:41That's it.
28:42Everybody to bed.
28:43Here we go.
28:45Oh, this is going to be a beauty this time.
28:51I'm beginning to feel better already.
28:53I really am.
28:54Oh, there's no doubt about it.
28:55As Confucius once said, if cold are inevitable, lie back and enjoy them.
29:00Hurrah!
29:00Hurrah!
29:09Here we go.
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1:36:27
1:59:54
24:32
21:55
23:23
1:39:22
0:46
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