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00:03BBC television presents Tony Hancock in...
00:08Hancock's Half Hour.
00:45Good morning.
00:46Why don't you get washed and dressed before you come down here in the morning?
00:49What's the matter with you?
00:50Oh, nothing, nothing.
00:53What's this thing stuck in the middle of me grapefruit?
00:57That is a cherry.
00:58Well, what's it doing there?
01:00Well, it's an embellishment, that's all.
01:02I don't like embellishments first thing in the morning.
01:06Either we have a bowl full of cherries or we have a bowl full of grapefruit.
01:09I don't like them mucked about.
01:10What difference does it make to you?
01:11You can't see what you're eating in the morning anyway.
01:14Your eyes don't open till 11 o'clock.
01:17Just open your mouth and shovel it in.
01:19I'm doing a favour.
01:21What are you all pushed up for?
01:23I'm not pushed up.
01:24This is my normal, everyday, run-of-the-meal breakfast clobber.
01:27As worn by gentlemen all over the world.
01:29I shall probably change it to something else after I've read the Times.
01:34You've been to the dentist again, haven't you?
01:36How did you know that?
01:37It's that pre-war copy of the tailor and cutter he's got round there.
01:40Every time you have a tooth filled, you behave like Noel Coward for the fortnight.
01:46I'm merely trying to be civilised, that's all.
01:48There's a lot to be said for gracious living.
01:49Dressing for breakfast is the hallmark of a gentleman.
01:53I don't think the Duke of Rutland comes down to breakfast looking like you, do you?
01:57Moaning about cherries and his grapefruit.
02:00Sitting opposite the Duchess scratching himself.
02:06Have a little elegance at the breakfast table, please, Sidney.
02:08Have you finished?
02:10Yep.
02:17What do you want?
02:19You may clear away and bring on the second course, Mrs Cravat.
02:22What second course?
02:24Well, I've put the menu out for you.
02:25Sautéed kidney, lamb chop, bacon, grilled tomatoes and mushrooms.
02:28You can write up menus all night.
02:30If the stuff ain't out there, you've had it, haven't you?
02:34Are you trying to tell me there's nothing in the larder?
02:37There's a couple of dodgy looking eggs, a flypaper and a mousetrap.
02:40Oh, the golden age of elegance.
02:43You mind?
02:44Very well, we'll have two boiled eggs and some brown bread and butter.
02:46Soft boiled, three minutes, fifteen seconds from the appearance of the first bubble on the surface.
02:50Yeah.
02:50And none of your doorsteps.
02:51I want them thin enough to poke in me eggs.
02:53You'll get them as they come off the loaf.
02:55Now, listen to me, Lolita.
02:56You can put them...
02:56No, no, don't upset us, Sidney.
02:59We've got enough trouble below stairs as it is.
03:01Very difficult to get staff these days.
03:02Don't you call me staff.
03:04One hour a week I'll come in here.
03:06And you have enough trouble to find the three and six to pay for that.
03:10That will do, Mrs Cravat.
03:12And I know that you only get me in so you can go around telling everyone you've got a woman.
03:16I've heard about you down the tennis club.
03:18Oh, my woman is a perfect treasure.
03:20Oh, I don't know what I wouldn't do without her.
03:22Oh, you can't get staffed nowhere.
03:24That is more than enough, Mrs Cravat.
03:26Go and put the eggs on.
03:27They are on already.
03:28Well, go and bring them in, then.
03:30Oh, anyone would think we was back to them pre-war days.
03:33It's us what goes to Monte Carlo these days, not the likes of them.
03:36It's us what's got the big cars.
03:38I don't know why don't chuck this job in.
03:42Really, I don't know what servants are coming to these days.
03:46Oh, I see the hon Sheila Fortescue is going to marry the hon Reggie Hart Davis.
03:54Isn't that exciting?
03:56And Lady Pamela Chichester has given birth to a daughter.
03:59Dear, dear Pam.
04:01I must send her a card.
04:02What's your news?
04:03That is the news.
04:04Inside.
04:05I don't know. I never bother.
04:06I sometimes have a glance at the court circuit, but that's all.
04:08Well, don't hug the old thing.
04:09Give us a look at the dog page.
04:11The dog page in the Times?
04:14All right.
04:14Are you taking leave of your senses?
04:16Give me the Gigi page then.
04:18Oh, take it all. I've read all the important stuff.
04:20Why can't we get a decent paper? One with pictures in.
04:23All this tiny print makes your eyes go funny.
04:38And there's your post.
04:40Thank you, Mrs. Cravat. I'll ring if I need you again.
04:43You'll have to ring a bit hard, mate. I'm off home. I've done my hair.
04:55What a misery that woman is. She's positively Bolshevik at times.
04:59So what?
04:59There's a marvellous egg.
05:02What a revolting way to eat an egg.
05:08I can't go to work on this.
05:10She will buy these Hungarian eggs.
05:13Mine's all right.
05:14Yours always is.
05:15If there's two of anything, you always get the best one.
05:17Doesn't matter what it is.
05:18Women, eggs, seats. It's always the same.
05:21Oh, how nice. An invitation to the vicarage for tea and lantern slides.
05:25Including a very interesting lecture by the Reverend Mulcrone Waverley
05:29on the influence of Gothic art on the Mboko tribe of Upper Uganda.
05:32You come in.
05:37Well, I think I'll go. You never know when something might,
05:39you know, something like that might come in handy in conversation.
05:42Suddenly throw it at them. That's them finished for the evening.
05:44Let's see. Now, what's this one?
05:46Oh dear, oh dear. Another fan letter.
05:48I admire you tremendously. Can I have your autograph?
05:51Where would we be without our fans?
05:53Yours humbly, Tony Hancock.
05:56Humbly.
05:57Well, I am humbly.
05:58I'll make a point of being humbly.
06:00A little bit of humbly never hurt anybody.
06:04Now, what's this one here now? Let's see.
06:06Oh, yes. Oh, this one, look, it's all from, this is from Cheam.
06:09Dear Sir, of all the slimy, untalented, snobbish, hypocrites I've had...
06:13I've had the pleasure...
06:35Well, go on, read the rest of me.
06:36Mind your own business.
06:38Now, go on, I want to hear what your devoted fans say about you.
06:41Please, Sidney, this is nothing to laugh at.
06:44A bit of a shock when you get something like that sent to you.
06:47Aren't you going to read the rest of them then?
06:48No, I don't think I'll bother. I'm feeling rather fragile.
06:51I think I'll go and lie down.
06:55Dear, oh dear, that really quite upset me.
06:58I'll be in me room if you want me.
07:27If I nearly had you there, boy.
07:29Another couple of inches, you'd have had your ear pinned to the door.
07:32Hang on a minute, I'm practising for the darts championship.
07:35Oh, shocking.
07:38I wonder where all those little holes came from.
07:41I've been treating that for woodworm for the last six months.
07:46All right, all right, don't keep on, it's only a bit of wood.
07:49What's all the fuss about?
07:50Look, look, I found this on the map.
07:52Another poison pen letter.
07:54The fourth one this week.
07:56It's beginning to get me down, Sid, it's playing on my mind.
07:58They're getting better though, ain't they?
08:00It's a nice turn of phrase.
08:02They know a lot about you, don't they?
08:04Yes, too much to my mind.
08:05You recognise the writing?
08:06No, I've never seen it before.
08:07But it's somebody with a nasty, twisted turn of mind
08:10who knows me well and who's got a grudge against me.
08:14It's you!
08:17Oh, it's not me.
08:19I wouldn't bother to write letters to you.
08:20I don't hold grudges.
08:21A quick punch up to you and it's all over.
08:25I can't go on like this.
08:26I'm afraid to come downstairs in the morning
08:28in case there's another one waiting for me.
08:30I'm getting to be a nervous wreck.
08:32Sid, you know me.
08:33You've read those letters.
08:34Aren't they a fair comment on me?
08:37Well...
08:37Oh, they'll stone me if you have to think about it.
08:40Well, I mean, you wouldn't sort of pin them all together
08:42and hand them to you and say,
08:43Hancock, this is your life.
08:46Right, you.
08:47There's a couple of home twos in there, aren't they?
08:49Well, I'm not perfect.
08:50I know that.
08:51We all have our faults.
08:52But surely nobody deserves to have stuff like that
08:54held through their letterbox.
08:55But why don't you go to the police about it?
08:57I should think so.
08:58I wouldn't let them read them.
09:01You know what a load of gas bags they are.
09:04Central Sorting Office for gossip, that place is.
09:07I must caution you that whatever you say
09:09will be taken down and spit around the tent in half an hour.
09:14Yeah, well, if you don't do something about it,
09:16you'll just keep on getting them, won't you?
09:18Oh, I can't stand that.
09:19I'll crack.
09:19I know I will.
09:20You've got to help me.
09:21We know it's somebody in East Cheam.
09:22That's the terrible part about it.
09:24It could be somebody I know.
09:25A neighbour.
09:27Somebody I say good morning to.
09:28And who says good morning to me and...
09:31How's your feet?
09:35And when I've gone past,
09:37a cold stare of hatred comes into their eyes.
09:40Yeah, that's true.
09:42And if they hate you that much,
09:43they might suddenly break one day.
09:44I mean, they won't just be content sending you letters.
09:47They'll suddenly snap and go like wild men.
09:49Snatch up a chopper,
09:50creep into your room one night and take a swing at you.
09:53Charming. Thank you very much indeed.
09:56I'm not setting myself up as a target for some local hatchet man.
10:01I've got to find out who this fiend is.
10:03Well, the police is your only chance.
10:04Yes, I suppose so.
10:05Better have me.
10:07Private life spread around the town
10:08and wake up one morning with me head missing.
10:12Certainly not sleeping in a skid lid every night.
10:15Where are those letters?
10:16In the sideboard tied up with blue ribbon.
10:18Tied up with blue ribbon?
10:19Well, they're not from Dolly Clackett are they?
10:21They might be. No, they can't.
10:21No, they can't. No.
10:23No, they can't be from her.
10:24She sent me an Easter egg.
10:27I don't know where I am, Sid.
10:28I shall start suspecting everybody in the end.
10:31Town on trial.
10:32Yeah, come on. The police will sort it out for you.
10:35Yes, I suppose, sir.
10:39Of course, nobody will ever believe that isn't Woodworm.
10:41No.
11:00Army, not you as well.
11:01What is this darts mania that's gripped the country all of a sudden?
11:04Well, I told you, it's the darts championship.
11:05We played this mob in the first round.
11:08You want to bet on your chances, Wood?
11:11I'll have a little service round there, please.
11:17You haven't got any stripes on. Where's the sergeant?
11:19He's out on a case. What can I do for you?
11:21You can do nothing for me, young man.
11:23He's a copper.
11:23What do you expect?
11:24Fabian?
11:28I'm not relating personal private details to bits of boys who've only just got their helmets.
11:33Besides, I wouldn't let young lads read letters like these.
11:35How old are you?
11:3623.
11:37Well, there you are, Sid.
11:37Well, the question is a mere child.
11:40Ah, authority!
11:44Anything wrong, constable?
11:47What's the trouble, sir?
11:48Well, it's a matter of extreme delicacy.
11:49I'd be much happier if you'd send this young lad out of the room.
11:53All right. Go and sell out the reports in the office.
12:03Now, what's all this about?
12:04Read those.
12:18Uh, good.
12:23Uh...
12:35Uh...
12:36Good.
12:36Uh...
12:37Good.
12:46well don't look at me like that i didn't do any of those things
12:50sincerely hope not i particularly dislike that bit about putting six foot on the church plate
12:55and taking half a crown change you don't believe that me a personal friend of the vicar leading
13:02bell ringer a sunday morning why i love that church wasn't it me who stepped for six months
13:06under the bell ropes during the invasion scare says in there you were hiding no i had no reason
13:11to hide as soon as the clarion corps came through i was up there with the rest of the sons
13:14of
13:14east jean fighting the king's enemies wherever we could find them says in there you didn't
13:18go until 1945 yeah well i was in a reserved occupation i was working 19 hours a day making tanks
13:23for
13:23the lads up the front says in there you're making cigarette liders for the birds in the canteen
13:27i suppose they all were i mean that's i did my bit i saw action i don't care what it
13:31says
13:31in there those letters are nothing but a pile of lies you want us to find out who's writing
13:36them exactly well there's obviously something somebody who doesn't like you and it seems
13:41the person isn't very literate either oh well just here for instance punch up the throat f
13:46or o a t yeah he left the e off the end
13:54you showed it wasn't you of course it wasn't me haven't you noticed anything unusual about these
14:00envelopes what well they're all airmail envelopes see per avion that's french
14:07he must be a frenchman no wonder he couldn't spell throat how many frenchmen do we know in east
14:12jean look it doesn't mean he was a frenchman per avion and every airmail envelope but it
14:17does mean that if we can find a postman an east jean post office who has collected some
14:21airmail letters with an east jean address on them we may get somewhere hello give me the
14:26local post office i'm british policeman marvis hello this is the police station uh five letters
14:36have been posted in your district all in airmail envelopes and all addressed to 23 railway cuttings
14:40oh you've noticed them now have you an idea what box they were collected from which one
14:47i see oh well there were all posts in the letterbox outside number 23 railway cuttings
14:56oh 25 it is you it would love me
15:01if you say that again i'll punch you up the f roat
15:06but number 23 railway cuttings that's where i live yes i know
15:11well now if pinpoint's the area it shouldn't be too difficult to find out who's right and written them
15:16railway cuttings it's everybody it's all of them it's a round robin that's what it is
15:19is there only one signature on there it's the same one each time yours faithfully the phantom
15:24exposer what are you going to do about it i demand you uncover this fiend who is hounding me this
15:27pen dipped in vitriol has got to be stopped all right all right we'll take care of it we'll come
15:31down to your house and keep a watch on the pillar box you needn't worry anymore
15:33we'll soon have the criminal under lock and key without a shot being fired
15:40no doubt about it british policemen are wonderful well i'm very grateful and to show how grateful i am
15:48there thank you very much sir there's a tired old copper somewhere his whole life is going to be
15:53completely transformed by that situation i sincerely hope so good day to you
16:15now they don't post many letters around here do they half past four now one letter's gone in yet
16:20wait a minute there's somebody coming
16:23oh yes it's the woman from number five she's got a letter in her hand is an airmail envelope
16:29i can't see she's got a very big hand
16:38yes she's posted it make a note of that mrs tribe from number five
16:43she got any grudges against you no i threw me a plimsoll at her alsatian the other day
16:48he was rolling in my redishes she wouldn't persecute me over a thing like that surely
16:54oh you know what people are like with animals in this country here look somebody coming again
16:59oh yeah she looks a bit hurt doesn't she
17:11of course it's her i should have known the old maid from across the road
17:15did you see the way she posted that letter there's a guilty woman if i've ever seen one
17:20have you ever crossed her path no i've never walked up it either
17:26used to leave her gate open smile at me through the window as i passed by but i never took
17:30the
17:30hint did you ever give her any encouragement only the normal common courtesies i used to smile at
17:34her and lift me hat obviously she read more into that than i'd intended and she seemed to
17:39walking out with dolly clackett and snogging on the front porch oh the poor woman that must
17:42have been terrible for her seeing her loved one in the arms of another bird don't be too hard on
17:47her sergeant i too know what it is like to love and be ignored you more than anybody you mind
17:53well we don't know definitely it's hard there's been another letter posted and the day's not over
17:56yet true true we mustn't jump to conclusions but personally i don't think we need to look
18:00any further than her wait a minute wait a minute look who's coming now
18:13mrs cravat your arch enemy there's a diabolical woman if i've ever known one
18:19she'll stop at nothing yeah she's the one i don't think it's the spinster it's her definitely
18:24her well what do you think oh she'd do it there's no doubt about it she'd do it and she
18:28knows more
18:28about me than anybody else around here poking her nose into my bureau and she's supposed to be dusting
18:32oh yes she's the one well what about the spinster never mind about the spinsters mrs cravat i'm after
18:36suppose she didn't do it never mind shove her inside make an example of her
18:42nip out and throw a net over her look we've got to be sure we've no proof she's only one
18:46of three
18:46people who posted letters in that pillar box oh dear sometimes these democratic safeguards can be a
18:50right drag look it's between her the spinster and old mrs tribe it's an open and shut case lock her
18:55up
18:55give her some dirty great rocks to break up that'll teach her well we soon find out i got the
19:00key of
19:00the box here there are three letters and if one is addressed to you all we got to do is
19:03go and interview
19:04them they always break down into questioning she won't you'll have to use the rubber hose on her
19:09i'll go and cut you a chunk off me lawn sprinkler that won't be necessary
19:31well there isn't one three football pools football just when we thought we had them i was looking
19:39forward to shining a light in her eyes and shouting at her go on it's no good hanging about here
19:44the
19:44round may see us all right what are we going to do now then no we'll have to keep watch
19:46all night
19:47we'll take it in turns two on two off right all right hello choker's football pools those are the
19:56ones mrs cravat does well i don't fancy her chances this week
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24:16I chÆ°a
24:17said, there's
24:17another one
24:18on the map
24:19this morning.
24:19Who's doing it?
24:20You were watching last night.
24:21Who is it?
24:22zoom down
24:22RELUX.
24:22i want to talk to you hurry up i've got to get down to the police station why don't you
24:26go away
24:26for a nice long rest on a farm somewhere get away from it all this is no time to talk
24:31about holidays
24:31i've got to find out who's writing these honorable letters yeah well i was coming to that all right
24:35then i'll put it oh yes once upon a time there was a man see fairy stories at this time
24:44of the
24:45morning now this man had been overworking he'd been working out there so hard for a whole year
24:49and his nerves were getting a bit dodgy so one day on his way through the forest he came across
24:54a gingerbread cottage with marzipan chimneys what's the matter with you get to the point sid please
25:01all right you want it straight out i'll tell you you have been writing these letters to yourself
25:07have you got rabies me writing letters to myself i've never heard anything so ridiculous in all
25:12my life we saw you last night you've been walking in your sleep walking in my sleep you'll have to
25:16do better than that sid you came down here sat down at that desk wrote a letter put it in
25:22an
25:22airmail envelope and went out and posted it we saw you but this is ludicrous why should i write
25:26honorable letters to myself well like the sergeant says you've got a battle raging inside you between
25:30you and your inner self i think i prefer the gingerbread cottage it's nothing like my writing
25:36you wrote it left-handed i'm right honey why should i suddenly start writing left-handed how do i know
25:41perhaps your inner you is left-handed i'll prove this once and for all writing left-handed indeed
25:47it'll soon explode this farcical theory i shall write left-handed and then i shall compare them
25:52that's ridiculous now
26:05you're all right why why well you see what you've been over working you're all strung up your nerves
26:11are like violin strings and secretly underneath it all you don't like the life you've been living so
26:16your subconscious mind has revolted i mean you're like everybody else really you don't like you either
26:26but i'll pass this one and i'll get better won't i yes yes one is a long rest that we
26:30have a break
26:31yes i suppose i have been vlogging in a bit lately haven't i i'll move that's it i'll change
26:35me address then my subconscious won't know where to write to me
26:39i'll be as right as night but in a couple of weeks
26:42hello team six yeah british railways all right now hang on it's probably sweeping the platform
26:50i'll go down to my auntie's farm in stud home barclay it's nice and quiet there
26:54oh i can't understand it sit you've been working just as hard as me these last few weeks why hasn't
26:58it had any effect on you ah you know me i'm stronger-minded than you i don't let these things
27:02affect me you know nothing just passes me by moronic i think they call it what's this oh sorry it
27:09came
27:09for you i forgot to give it to you dear ugly i hate you you're a thieving conniving twisting layabout
27:23why don't you do a good few days work for a change instead of living off other people
27:29you're a parasite
27:45i get two tickets to start apartment not you as well it's amazing we didn't collide on the stairs
27:51you know in and out of bed all night sleepwalking could have been very nasty what's the matter with
27:58them down there come on hurry up there's two bloods gone bonkers here who want to get away
28:03go and get packed go on and don't bring your darts with you start chuck your nose about in your
28:07sleep
28:07i've had it harry harry that's it harry i want two single tickets to stud home barclay yes yes singles
28:15now i i don't think we'll be back for months come on take it easy
28:19go
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