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00:05BBC Television presents Tony Hancock in...
00:10Hancock's our first.
00:17Hartford Lothian, four. Falkirk, three.
00:21Hibernian, one. Kilmarnock, two.
00:25Aberdeen, nil. Partick Thistle, three.
00:28Now, until the next spot of our program...
00:32How'd you get on?
00:33I'm just gonna check up.
00:35I don't know why you bother.
00:36You have been trying for eight draws ever since I've known you.
00:39And what's the nearest you've got? Seven home wins and one away.
00:44Twelve and a half points. What's the good of that?
00:47Well, you never know. Somebody's got a win.
00:48Well, you won't, mate. Not with your system.
00:51Sitting there every Wednesday night with all your relation's birthdays in front of you.
00:56Signs of the zodiac. Telephone numbers.
00:58What's that got to do with football?
01:00Anyway, I don't know with gambling.
01:02It destroys the moral fibre of the country.
01:04Sets up false values.
01:05And encourages laziness and indolence.
01:08Harkin' him.
01:10Just because they refused you a licence for a bedding shop.
01:15It's a joke to you, isn't it?
01:17It's pathetic sitting here watching you.
01:19All those stupid little books you buy with the perms in.
01:22Every pool's expert in the country helping you.
01:25Stuck here for six solid hours every Wednesday night.
01:27With your tongue poking out of your teeth.
01:29And for what?
01:30Twelve and a half points.
01:32Turn it in, boy. You'll never win anything.
01:34And if you did win any money, you wouldn't know what to do with it.
01:36Oh, wouldn't I?
01:36I got it all worked out. I know exactly what I'm gonna do with it.
01:39It's the only thing that keeps me going.
01:41I know I'm gonna win one day.
01:42I must admit that when I realise that my entire future depends upon the whims and foibles
01:47of eleven pairs of dirty great boots from Gateshead, I shut up.
01:51Well, here we go again.
01:53I can't stat chit-chatting dear to the likes of you.
01:55My bade have been worth a fortune these last five minutes.
01:57Now then.
01:58Knott's Forest and Everton.
02:01Home.
02:01Here we go again.
02:03Twelve and a half points.
02:04Do you mind?
02:06Aston Villa and Plymouth are guile.
02:09Home.
02:09Home.
02:11Oh, what a waste of money.
02:13I haven't finished yet.
02:14There are another 16 matches to check.
02:16Now be quiet.
02:17Tyler from Swansea.
02:19Home.
02:20Charcoal Athletic and Sunderland.
02:23Home.
02:25Sheffield United and Ipswich.
02:27Home.
02:29Why don't you do a pool where you have to pick out all the home winners?
02:32You're enjoying this, aren't you?
02:34Every match I laugh.
02:36If you were any sort of a friend, it would be tearing your heart out every time I said home.
02:40Brentford and Chesterfield.
02:42Home.
02:47Colchester and Newport.
02:48Home.
02:49How do you know?
02:51How do you know?
02:52Go on, you think you're so clever?
02:53Come on, how do you know?
02:54Do you want to bet?
02:55How do you know?
02:56That is what I want to know.
02:57How do you know?
02:59Have a look.
02:59Go on, tell me.
03:00What is it?
03:02It's home.
03:05But it might not have been.
03:07It could easily have been a draw.
03:09It was only 7-1.
03:12There was nothing in it up to half-time.
03:15Ah, Reading and Bradford City.
03:17Home.
03:19Southampton, Queen's Park Rangers.
03:21Home.
03:22Eh?
03:23I said home!
03:26Southend versus Accrington.
03:28Draw.
03:30Carlisle.
03:30Draw.
03:31Sid, a draw.
03:31I forecast a draw.
03:32It's the first draw I've ever done.
03:35One draw in four years.
03:38What are you getting so hysterical about it?
03:40Well, it's a start.
03:41I didn't mean it shows I can do it.
03:43Oh, do me a favour.
03:44One draw.
03:44You need another 7 for the first dividend.
03:48Chester and Workington.
03:53Draw.
03:56Crystal Palace and Rochdale.
03:59Draw.
04:03Exeter and Aldershot.
04:04Draw.
04:07Notts County and Millwall.
04:09Draw.
04:12Holden and Gilligan.
04:14Draw.
04:18Whitefoot and Barrow draw.
04:20Seven draws.
04:21One match to check.
04:21I can't look at it.
04:27What's the matter with you?
04:28It's nothing.
04:28It's nothing.
04:30It's no good, Sid.
04:31I've got seven draws up.
04:32I can't look at the last one.
04:33You'll have to check it for me.
04:34I can't look at it.
04:35One more draw.
04:36300,000 quid.
04:37Well, come on.
04:38Hurry up, hurry up.
04:39What's the result?
04:39All right, all right.
04:40Wait a minute.
04:41Well, but cry that loud.
04:42Come on.
04:42What is it?
04:42What is it?
04:43Here we are.
04:43Chelsea versus East Team United.
04:46Yes, yes.
04:47Late kickoff.
04:52What do you mean, late kickoff?
04:54What it says here?
04:55Late kickoff.
04:55They can't do this to me.
04:57Seven draws and a late kickoff.
05:00It's enough to send anybody round the twist.
05:03Well, what time do they kick off?
05:04About seven.
05:05Two and a half hours time.
05:06I can't wait all that long without knowing.
05:08I'd be a quiver in massive disintegrated nerve tissue.
05:12Lying on the floor, twitching away in a pile of fag ends and fingernails.
05:16I couldn't stand the strain, Sid.
05:18Oh, crap.
05:18I know I will.
05:19It's too much for one man.
05:20Oh, shut up.
05:21Put yourself together.
05:21What's the matter with you?
05:23You only get big dividends when there's only a few draws on the coupon.
05:26There's probably umpteen draws all over the country.
05:29You know what you get?
05:3025 shillings in a tanner.
05:31You and thousands of others.
05:32Now, shut up for a minute and we'll see how many draws there are.
05:36One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
05:49Seven draws.
05:52Only seven draws and he's got them all.
05:55Want to go?
05:55Well, this could be the biggest win in history.
06:00Here we are, son.
06:02Take it easy.
06:03Here.
06:03Put your feet up.
06:06Put it up there.
06:07That's it.
06:07Make yourself comfy.
06:08I'll make you a nice hot cup of tea.
06:11Relax.
06:11Your old pal Sid is here to look after you.
06:14Hello, hello.
06:15The vultures are on the move.
06:19Take it nice and easy now.
06:20Don't worry about a thing.
06:21You know what they say?
06:21A trouble share is a trouble heart.
06:23And you want to share my troubles if you're not going to.
06:25Not a penny.
06:26I'm having the luck.
06:28How many relations have you got?
06:30I've got hundreds of them.
06:32And how much do you think you're going to have left when they find out?
06:34They won't find out.
06:35I put my little cross in the square.
06:36No publicity.
06:39And for a third share, I won't tell them either.
06:46This is blackmail.
06:48I'm doing you a favour here, boy.
06:49I know your relations.
06:50It'll be like a plague of locusts for the time they get through here.
06:53I think you'll find it cheaper in the long run.
06:56You're quite right, of course.
06:57The noise of two coins rubbing together has always been enough to set the Hancocks on the march.
07:03Right then, a third share in return for your silence.
07:05Now, what's the time?
07:06Ten past five.
07:07Oh, look, this is hopeless.
07:08It's dark outside.
07:09They can't play in this.
07:10They won't be able to see where they're going.
07:11And those little lamps strapped on their heads.
07:14How can they be expected to head a ball like that?
07:16Oh, stop it, you great big twit.
07:18They play under floodlights.
07:20Well, that's unreliable for a start.
07:22Get a fuse for a couple of minutes, wallop, ten goals.
07:27Told you he wouldn't have a chance.
07:28Who's in goal for his team, anyway?
07:30Chalky White.
07:31Chalky White.
07:32Oh, well, of course, we've had it, haven't we?
07:34Never get a draw with him between the sticks.
07:37Huh.
07:37Biggest score in history.
07:39Ninety minutes of kick-off and goals.
07:41He's useless, that man, leaning up against a goal post, measuring himself.
07:45He can't see what he's doing, that's the trouble.
07:47Not only can't he see the ball coming, he has a job finding it when it's in the net.
07:53Wandering round the back of the goal, poking away here and there.
07:57He kicked his hat out three times last week.
08:01Who else is playing?
08:03Mel Pritchard, centre-forward.
08:04Mel Pritchard.
08:05That's a fine example of athletic prowess.
08:07He runs on the field and he's out of breath.
08:11Saw his first match.
08:12He kicked off and had to have a cartilage operation.
08:16Chelsea will murder that lot.
08:18But what did you put him down for a draw for?
08:20Because it's the third match on the list and it's my brother-in-law's birthday.
08:24Mel Pritchard.
08:25What a load of old rubbish, eh?
08:27I suppose he'll be playing in his carpet slippers again.
08:29His corns will be playing him up.
08:31What are you talking about?
08:32The way you're chatting there, nobody thinks you were an expert.
08:35Come now, Sid.
08:35If anybody's entitled to express his opinions about football, it's me.
08:39What?
08:39Good grief.
08:40My experience.
08:41Playing for years I was.
08:42You talked to me.
08:43Schoolboy International, 1936.
08:45Mr. Magic, the wizard of the dribble.
08:48Lovely Peter, pair of feet I had.
08:50Pointing in different directions.
08:52Nobody knew which way I was going.
08:55I've been playing now, but I had to give it up.
08:57Injury?
08:58No, no.
08:58When they did away with the long shorts.
09:02We had to show our knees.
09:03I wasn't having that.
09:0650,000 people laughing their heads off.
09:08Wasn't worth 20 quid a week.
09:10Did I ever tell you about the highlight of my career?
09:12No.
09:13But you're going to, aren't you?
09:14Yeah.
09:17Picture the scene.
09:17Wembley Stadium, 1939.
09:19Picked to capacity.
09:19Duke had rutted in the box, the cup in front of him.
09:21The bloke in the white suit up on the rostrum, balling his lungs out.
09:24Land of hope and glory.
09:27Then we appeared.
09:2890,000 throats roaring a welcome.
09:3090,000 pairs of eyes all on me.
09:32Will he do it again?
09:34Will he get another hat trick in the first five minutes?
09:37Will he score from the halfway line with a double back flip overhead scissors kick facing the wrong way?
09:43Well, we kicked off.
09:44Then with the hope of all the crowd pinned on me, tragedy struck.
09:47I went up to our high centre.
09:49Wallop!
09:49Hitted the goalkeeper right in the back of the net.
09:52How cold I was, I was carried off in a deathly hush, stunned silence.
09:56Concussion, multiple bruises, cauliflower ear and a fractured bracket.
10:01Well, they were lost without me.
10:03Ten minutes to go, one nil down.
10:04Their main hope, lying on a stretcher surrounded by doctors.
10:07I came to.
10:08One nil down, they said.
10:09Well, I don't know what came over me, but I remember fighting my way through a crowd.
10:14And there I was, standing on the touch line.
10:16The referee singled me on.
10:17I swallowed a handful of aspens and nipped onto the field,
10:19clutching the blood-soaked sponge to the 16 stitches on the back of my head.
10:23We started to attack and the crowd shouted as one man,
10:26Give it a hand, cop!
10:27The ball was cleared high in the air.
10:29I caught it on me forehead, balanced it there, tilted me head back.
10:31And with me nose holding it position, I was off.
10:33Past one man.
10:34Past two men.
10:35Past three men.
10:3645 yards.
10:37The ball never ever hit me head.
10:38They thought I was holding the lace in me mouth.
10:41My speed was incredible, cause the wind had caught me short.
10:45I couldn't stop.
10:46Into the penalty area.
10:47Fainted past the back.
10:48Round the outside of the half-back.
10:49Side-tipped the goalie.
10:50Dropped the ball onto me foot.
10:51Wallop!
10:51Dropped the back of the net.
10:52A brilliant goal.
10:53My!
10:54One-all!
10:55Two-nil.
10:55I forgot to change anything.
11:02So that was your last game?
11:03Yes, well the rest of the team came over and gave me a right walloping.
11:07Just walked away and left me.
11:09I was still lying there when the greyhound racing started in the evening.
11:14Still that's the way it goes.
11:16Oh, what's the time?
11:17Quarter past five.
11:18Oh, it is hopeless.
11:19A fortune within me grasp.
11:20I can't stand this waiting.
11:21Well, why don't we go and watch the match?
11:22Yes, of course.
11:23What a good idea.
11:24It'd be like old times.
11:26I only played at Chelsea once.
11:27We were two-nil down and ten minutes to go.
11:29I was obbling on the right wing with a broken ankle waiting for me chance.
11:31The ball came over.
11:32Are you coming or not?
11:34Yeah, I was only going to tell you about this.
11:35The ball came over.
11:36I trapped it with me good ankle and I set up an amazing dribble right down the field.
11:39We were playing the W formation at the time.
11:40I was beingured.
11:46Rosets!
11:47Rosets!
11:48Get your rosets here!
11:49Get your team colours now!
11:50Come on, will you?
11:51Oh, dear, you watch her.
11:53Thank you very much.
12:00what do you look like what an exhibition how old are you what's the point of mankind conquering
12:05the moon when we still got blokes like you down here i'd make a mockery of the whole thing oh
12:11shut up i'll have the fun of going to a football match
12:17get your routines here get your team going now then sir what about a favor do me one will you
12:22stop it no one knows it's a humor right you know that's what i love about football crowds strong
12:29sense of humor there was a bloke last week tipped the old lot over me head very funny it was
12:36too
12:36sir now come along what about a rotator there you are what about that certainly not i'm not going
12:40in there looking like a prize bull out of the dairy shop what a guard you are sir what a
12:48sense of humor
12:49an answer for everything what a comedian you know you ought to take it up for a living
12:56now come on sir you must support something i don't support anybody i'm hoping for a draw
13:01all right then sir one of each get them off me coat i don't want your tatty general election leftovers
13:09children election oh dear you love me tears next oh what a sense of you and the boys got
13:15straight in there excuse me are we going in or not i can't get away from this walking haberdasher
13:19there closing the gates closing the gates i'll soon see about that
13:26excuse me good evening my good man i don't know whether you recognize me or not
13:30no i don't schoolboy international 1936 we'd like a couple of seats in the director's box please
13:37oh schoolboy international that makes all the difference with or without cushions
13:42uh with cushions i think or perhaps you prefer armchairs and a nice champagne supper at half time
13:47yes that would be very nice off it
13:51come on come on do you mind the gates are closed we're full up clear off
13:56i demand entrance to this arena it's imperative i see this match go away there's a good little
14:00man i've got to count up all this money i've got to sort out all the tanners from the shillings
14:04put them in blue paper bags take them to the office what time think i'm going to get home tonight
14:09i don't know i mean well i've got a life to live as well you know i've got home to
14:12go to
14:13yes yes of course you have i mean you don't think i like being stuck here in this straight jacket
14:16do you all you love piling through here you don't think of me as a human being
14:22you just think of me as a hand poking out taking your two bobs well i'm more than just a
14:28hand
14:29at the end of this hand there's a body a human being throbbing with life and emotion
14:34i'm just the same as you are if you prick me do i not bleed
14:40if you tickle me do i not laugh if you poison me do i not die
14:48i suppose you do i mean i'd never really thought about it
14:52punch him in a fag i'll see what he does
14:56sydney please please the man has a point he's entitled his relaxation the same as anybody else
15:02yes and he's a very cultivated person too
15:04thank you very much
15:06not at all i never realized the heartaches and human dramas that went on inside a
15:10turnstile keepers hut yes it it gets very lonely at times yes well it must do completely cut off from
15:16the world isolated oh come on are we going in or not please sydney please this is very touching
15:21have a little decorum carry on i'll just say how lonely it gets in here all you people but i
15:27might
15:27as well be in a monastery get away all the people after me is two bob and click click click
15:33click
15:35how terribly sad no wonder you're bitter i am nobody ever talks to me do you know in all my
15:40years here you're the very first man who's had the the decency to stop and have a chat with me
15:47not
15:47at all it's my pleasure and if ever i'm passing this way again i shall make a point of dropping
15:50in
15:50to see you thank you very much you're a very kind person not at all now will you kindly let
15:55us in
15:55please we're full up off it it's no good he's barricaded in there now look here old man please
16:03please let both of us in eh i'll pay you double there we are it's essential i see this match
16:07please
16:07oh well all right i suppose two more won't make much difference and you have been very very friendly
16:12thank you you did say treble the price didn't you i said double all right then
16:24do you mind it's stuck yes i know it's stuck well get it unstuck i can't stay here for the
16:29rest of me
16:29life well push it i am pushing it come on give us a hand here watch it watch it you're
16:33crashing me
16:34ribs here look out look out i'll be marked for life come on it's your fault you're supposed to be
16:38in
16:38charge of these machines what happens if there's a fire eighty thousand screaming people come charging
16:42through here i've had it haven't i i'll be split asunder can't you climb over the top how can i
16:47climb over the top i can't even move me legs it's like being in the iron lady if we had
16:50an elephant
16:51it could lift you out with its trunk thank you very much you're a great help must be all the
16:59wild
16:59elephants roaming around chelsea football ground what about a crane then that would be most undignified
17:05call the fire brigade you mind your own business aren't there any engineers on duty no only me
17:10hello hello hello is he making everybody laugh again i am stuck in the turnstarts
17:19oh god he's funny all the things he does what a comedian hey do something funny again go on do
17:28he's funny again come here come here did you see that you're funny
18:06he's funny
18:10What's the score?
18:14There's no score yet, mate.
18:15No score, do you hear that?
18:16We're going to be all right.
18:17We'll never stay like that.
18:17Come on, anybody.
18:18Time to lose.
18:19Get stuck into it.
18:20Get rid of it.
18:21Not that way, that way.
18:23Go on, bet it.
18:2445,000 quid for him.
18:26My old woman can play better than he can.
18:28Go on, back where you came from.
18:31Would you like him, though?
18:32Like him?
18:33He's the worst man on the field.
18:34Look at him, standing there like a fairy.
18:36Boys, get a move, aren't you?
18:38You're playing and all, you know.
18:40He's useless.
18:41Oh, God, blimey.
18:42Look what he's done now.
18:43Look where he's put that ball.
18:45What chance has the wing
18:46I've got to get in that ball?
18:47What chance?
18:48Oh, in the middle.
18:50In the middle.
18:51Edit.
18:52Edit.
18:53Go on.
18:59You're going really mad.
19:01Did you see that?
19:02Did you see that?
19:03Brilliant.
19:03What a lovely boy he is.
19:0545,000 pounds of worth every penny.
19:07Did I always believe he was a beauty?
19:08Didn't I always say he'd got it in him?
19:11I always reckon him, you know.
19:12You heard me, didn't you?
19:13You heard me.
19:14Do him some support.
19:15I said other bit no stopping him.
19:16Come on, the blue.
19:18Let's have another one.
19:201-0.
19:22Come along now, East Cheam.
19:26Rally, chaps.
19:27Rally.
19:27No desperandum.
19:30Come along now.
19:31Let's have a score, East Cheam.
19:33What did you say?
19:35I said, come on, East Cheam.
19:37Did you hear that?
19:39Guess what we've got here, an East Cheam supporter.
19:42Duff him up.
19:43I beg your pardon?
19:44Get in with your own mob.
19:46I haven't got a mob.
19:47I'd like to support anybody I like.
19:49Are you an East Cheam supporter?
19:50No, I'm not.
19:51Mind your own business then.
19:53I want to be.
19:55Come on, East Cheam.
19:56Get stuck in.
19:58Jump on him.
19:59Kick him.
20:01Howl.
20:01Howl.
20:02Wait, what happened?
20:03What happened?
20:03Did you see that?
20:03He was just going to kick the goalie and somebody tripped him up.
20:06Dirty.
20:06Get there.
20:08Shove your elbow and he's out there.
20:12Please control yourself.
20:13I've never seen this bloodlust come out in you before.
20:15Do you realise if he'd scored them, it would have been one all?
20:17One all?
20:18Daddy, chuck him off.
20:19Kick him.
20:19He's still breathing.
20:20Wait a minute.
20:21Wait a minute.
20:21They've got a chance here.
20:22Come on, East Cheam.
20:23Come on.
20:23Come on.
20:24Pass it.
20:24Come on.
20:25Pass it.
20:25Shoot.
20:26It's a goal.
20:31I beg your pardon.
20:32You don't support this team, do I?
20:33I beg your pardon.
20:34Nothing personal.
20:34No offence, eh?
20:54You want to get yourself some decent players, mate?
20:57What a load of old rubbish.
20:59Come along now, East Cheap.
21:00Have you gone right in there?
21:01That's 2-1.
21:02We won a draw.
21:04Oh, yes, of course.
21:04Come on, Chelsea.
21:05Come on.
21:05Drive yourself up.
21:07Come along now, Chelsea.
21:08Jump about a bit.
21:09Hey!
21:10Whose side are you on?
21:11Yeah, we don't want your sympathy.
21:13We don't need the likes of you to shout for our team.
21:15So shut your face.
21:18I shall not shut my face.
21:21My face is entitled to be open as much as anybody else is.
21:26To persist in this raucous behaviour,
21:27I shall instruct my friend here to fetch you one round the ear with his rattle.
21:32Are you looking for a fight?
21:35Right, then.
21:36Good.
21:37Now.
21:38Now.
21:39All right, then.
21:40That's all right by me.
21:41I'm ready.
21:42Well, come on, then.
21:44All right.
21:46Go on, sit at him.
21:50Not him.
21:51You.
21:51Oh, me.
21:52Me.
21:53Oh.
21:54All right.
21:54Come on, then.
21:55Come on.
21:55Just try it.
21:56I'm waiting.
21:57Hey, watch it.
21:58Watch it.
21:58I saw that.
21:58I saw that.
21:59You want to watch it, boy.
22:00You're playing me fiery.
22:01You know, I've got a couple of lethal weapons here, boy.
22:03Well.
22:03I'm no mug.
22:04I know how to look after myself, you know.
22:05Come on, then.
22:06Hey, you're asking, fight.
22:08Touch me.
22:08Touch me just the once and you've had your luck.
22:10Go on, slash it to him.
22:11Yes, I'm going to.
22:12Hang on a minute.
22:13There's no who he's tampering with here.
22:15I know how to use these two, you know.
22:17Oh, come on.
22:17Let's use them.
22:18All right.
22:18I'm going to.
22:19Oh, you can push me too far, you know.
22:22Oh, yeah.
22:22Yeah.
22:23Yeah.
22:24Yeah.
22:25Well, come on, then.
22:27So, you're asking for a fight, are you?
22:29Yes, I am.
22:30All right.
22:30Just you touch me just the once and they'll be passing you over the edge of the crowd down
22:33the front there.
22:34Watch it.
22:34Watch it.
22:35Watch it.
22:37I saw that.
22:37All right.
22:38Come on, then.
22:38Come on.
22:38Let's get it over with.
22:39Make your move.
22:40Make your move.
22:40Come on.
22:41All right.
22:41I'm going to.
22:42All right.
22:42Come on, then.
22:42I'm waiting.
22:44Are you threatening me?
22:45You take it how you like.
22:48You're asking for it, aren't you?
22:49You're asking for it here.
22:50And so are you at all.
22:51Oh, come on, then.
22:52Come on.
22:52I'm ready.
22:52I'm ready.
22:52Come on, then.
22:53Goal!
22:58Oh, well, that does it.
22:59Now, three, one.
23:01There won't be a draw here, boy.
23:03You finish your fight?
23:04Yes, I think I've taught him a lesson, all right.
23:07Think twice before he bothers anybody else.
23:10Oh, well, there we are.
23:12Half time.
23:13Doesn't look so good, does it?
23:14Well, as the second half to come, they might catch up.
23:16Catch up?
23:17The way they're playing?
23:18They couldn't score if the other team went home.
23:21You've got to want to think about this, boy.
23:24Come with me.
23:25I've got an idea.
23:27Hey, I'll watch, Kevin.
23:36Now, remember what I told you.
23:46Right?
23:46Put those on.
23:47OK.
23:48Right.
23:48Ready?
23:51All right, gentlemen.
23:52Your attention, please.
23:54I'm a new member of the board of directors, and I'd like you to meet Professor Richcock.
23:58How do you do, gentlemen?
24:03Now, Professor Richcock here is an expert in time and motion studies and the correct application
24:09of aptitude in the human athlete to gain the maximum response from the body at any given
24:14time.
24:14Well, hasn't done him much good, has it?
24:19You want to be transferred?
24:21Watch it.
24:22Now then, my fellow directors and myself are not very pleased with the way the team has
24:26been performing this year, so the Professor's going to see if he can improve your luck.
24:29Thank you, Professor.
24:32The first half performance was most distressing.
24:34Well, I'm leading 3-1.
24:35What more do you want?
24:36Leading 3-1, you should be leading 10-1.
24:38Now then, I've made a few notes here.
24:39I've watched you very carefully, and I've come to the conclusion you're all playing in
24:42the wrong positions.
24:42Oh, damn it.
24:44Please, I am the expert.
24:47In order to beat this team conclusively, I intend to change you all round for the second
24:50half.
24:50With the full permission of the board of directors.
24:53Now, what position are you playing?
24:54Outside right.
24:55In goal.
24:56Are you kidding?
24:58Don't argue with the Professor.
24:59He knows what he's talking about.
25:00He's been watching you out there.
25:01That lovely leap up in the air, that beautiful action you've got, isn't he?
25:04Marvellous.
25:05I was overcome by the sheer beauty of it.
25:06Get into the jersey.
25:07What about me?
25:08Where do I play?
25:09Can you shoot?
25:10No.
25:10Send it forward.
25:12All right, who's left-footed?
25:14I am.
25:14Right back.
25:16Who's right-footed?
25:17I am.
25:18Left back.
25:19Who's the two slowest runners?
25:21We are.
25:21Right and left winger.
25:23Who's the worst header?
25:24I am.
25:25Centre half.
25:26Rest of your change positions with each other.
25:28Now, gentlemen, you have a psychological advantage.
25:30You're all playing in positions you're no good at.
25:32This will lower the opposition into a sense of false security.
25:34It will lower them, and it will put them off their game.
25:37Does he know what he's talking about?
25:39The Professor?
25:41You're talking about the boy that revolutionised sport.
25:44Stanley Matthews was a tennis player.
25:45Lee had a chat with him.
25:47Quite true.
25:48Quite true.
25:48Now, come along.
25:49If the other team scored a couple of goals and make it three all, change back to your original
25:52positions.
25:53Good luck to you.
25:53Thank you, Professor.
25:54Thank you very much.
25:54Carry on.
25:58Well, that should see us all right for a duel.
26:00Let's get out of here quick.
27:17Hey, a great hope. Two goals is all we needed. Fifteen-three.
27:21If you let me fuse the floodlights when I reach three-all, we'd have been all right.
27:24An abandoned match doesn't count on the pools. Second dividend, that's all we've got.
27:28Oh, come on.
27:29Help, help, get me out of this.
27:32Here's a comic, lookie. You ought to take it up for a living.
27:34Oh, no.
27:35Help.
27:53Here, they've published a dividend.
27:55All right, go on, then. How much do we want?
27:57Here we are. First dividend, 329,019 shillings and sixpence.
28:04Second dividend?
28:05Yes.
28:07Six and fourpence.
28:11Six and fourpence? He got me more than that to go in for it.
28:14And a third of that is mine, mate.
28:16That's two shillings and a penny farthing or thereabouts.
28:19That leaves you four shillings and tuftence three farthings.
28:22What are you going to do with it all?
28:25Well, I haven't quite got used to winning it all yet.
28:27You know, it's come as a bit of a shock, but I shan't change.
28:30I shall carry on working.
28:34I've no plans for a bigger house at the moment,
28:36and as you well know, I'm not one for fast cars.
28:39I think I shall take the advice of my financial advisors
28:42and buy myself a new pair of socks.
28:45There's no plans for my financial advisor.
28:48It's supposed to be quedar, but there's no plans for my financial advisor.
28:54Well, we'll be back.
28:55Good luck.
28:59Good luck.
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