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00:05BBC Television presents Tony Hancock in...
00:11Hancock's half hour.
00:22Oh, dear.
00:32Oh, this is hopeless. Let's face it, you don't like me, do you?
00:36No, I don't.
00:37Charming. Thank you very much. Took you long enough to find out, didn't it?
00:41You've had a dance, a fish supper and a ride home. What more do you want?
00:45Well, that's nice, isn't it? Casting that up in me face.
00:48It wasn't much, was it? I've had better nights.
00:50You've seen better days, too, dear.
00:54Oh, well, that's it then, isn't it? I'm not going to stay here and be insulted. I'm going home.
00:58No, no, no, no, no. Don't go. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
01:01We mustn't allow a very charming evening to degenerate into a sordid puncture.
01:04Now, come on.
01:05Let me go!
01:07The man's no obligation to you. You're all the same.
01:10A cheap dance and a fish supper and you think you own a girl.
01:13Well, stone me, woman, if you felt like that, why did you bother to go out with me in the
01:16first place?
01:17I wouldn't have done if I'd known I was going to be lumbered with you.
01:21Lumbered?
01:23I said to my friend when I met you, I bet I'd get stuck with the fat one.
01:29How dare you, you peroxided Jezebel.
01:33You were quite happy to stand by all night watching me lashing all my money out.
01:36Four and six.
01:39You had a gin and bit of lemon in the dance hall.
01:41And it had to last me all night.
01:43Quite right, too. I ate drunken women.
01:47Well, I don't think we've anything more to say to each other.
01:50Are you ready, Edie?
01:53Edie, are you coming home?
01:55Oh, not yet, Muriel.
01:58No.
02:01You see, she's grateful.
02:03Now, come along now, madam, please.
02:05No, I'm going home.
02:07How are you doing?
02:08Horrible.
02:09Keep her there. I'm doing all right, dear.
02:11If yours goes, mine will go.
02:13She doesn't like me.
02:15Well, keep her amused.
02:16Keep her amused? What do you suggest? A few card tricks?
02:19Waggle me ears.
02:20Do a funny dance.
02:22You're all right, yours is grateful. Come on, let's change over for a bit.
02:25All right, I don't mind.
02:27Hello, then.
02:28Oh, hello.
02:29What's all this about going home? You don't want to go home, do you?
02:31Not now.
02:32No, of course you don't.
02:34Muriel, are you ready? Are you coming home?
02:39Oh, for crying out loud, are they trying to be friendly?
02:41Oh, stop it.
02:43Go away.
02:44I've only just got here.
02:46I want to go home.
02:48You're quite happy to stop here just now.
02:50Well, that was different. Your friend was here.
02:52Oh, let's face it, you don't like me either, do you?
02:54No, not much.
02:56Oh, this is ridiculous.
02:57You've got no taste, some of you girls.
02:59You're not used to going out with class.
03:01That's your trouble.
03:02You don't recognise it when you see it.
03:03Go on, hop it. Go on, clear up.
03:04Clear up. Go on.
03:06Come on, break it up.
03:07We're going home.
03:08What do you mean, going home?
03:10Come on, we're going home.
03:11I've had enough of this.
03:12I've had enough humiliation heaped on me for one night.
03:14What's the matter with him?
03:15You'd better go home, dear, before I forget I'm a gentleman.
03:17Now, go on, push off.
03:18Oh, right, I'm going.
03:20Come on, Edie.
03:21Don't let's waste any more time on this middle-aged Ted.
03:24Let's go down to the youth club.
03:26The youth club? You two?
03:29Go on, get your leopard skin legs out of here.
03:32You want to get rid of him, mate? He's a right drag on you.
03:35I shall be forced to fill you in in a minute, madam.
03:39That's it. Go on, hit her, lady. Go on, hit her.
03:41All right, show me your lady and I will hit her.
03:43That way home, mate, that way home.
03:46Nobody to reply to that.
03:47Never mind about him.
03:50Well, I'll see you tomorrow night, then.
03:51Well, only if you're by yourself.
03:53Fit him and we'll all go out together.
03:55Okay.
03:57Shut up.
03:58Tomorrow night, then, outside the factory.
04:00He'll carry your welding equipment home for you.
04:05Why do you have to start around?
04:07I had it all sewn up there, money in the bank.
04:10Sidney, I'm not going to stand here being insulted by rubbish like that.
04:12I have my pride, you know.
04:14That's just about all you have got.
04:15Look, the same thing happens every Saturday night.
04:17You're all having to spoil it for me.
04:18We find a couple of charmers, I go like a bum and you get up their nose.
04:21What do you say to them?
04:23My causing habits are no concern of yours.
04:25They are when it ruins my night out.
04:28I'm telling you, mate, I'm thinking dead seriously of going out of my tot in future.
04:31Oh, please yourself.
04:33I'm thinking of turning it in anyway.
04:35I think I'll go into a monastery.
04:38I think my hair started going as it is.
04:40No, now you're talking a lot of rubbish.
04:41Well, what's the point of going on?
04:43I never do any good.
04:44It's eternal quest for feminine company.
04:46I'm miles behind me reading.
04:49I don't know what's going on in Ghana.
04:53Winds of change are howling away out there and I don't know the first thing about it.
04:57Yeah, you might as well go into a monastery.
04:59You're no good out here.
05:00You might as well spend the rest of your life making tonic wine as
05:04wander about the streets, frightening the life out of all the birds.
05:08You make me sound like Bina Lugosi.
05:11The werewolf of East Cheem.
05:14Wander in the streets, it's all right for you.
05:15You don't have to bother.
05:16They all flock round you.
05:17I don't understand it with a face like yours.
05:19It's all these Ernest Borgnines and Jack Palazzi's that are doing it.
05:23It's the day of the ugly man.
05:24There's no doubt about it.
05:26Look at you.
05:26You're almost prehensile.
05:30It's beyond me.
05:32I suppose you must have some primitive, prehistoric animal-like fascination for them.
05:36Of course my trouble is I'm too civilised.
05:38I realise that.
05:39Much too sophisticated.
05:40I'm too dilettante for them.
05:45No doubt about it, you can be too intelligent.
05:47Oh, don't give me that.
05:49You don't any good with the posh birds either.
05:51You have tried every type of bird round here from the young conservatives to the biscuit factory.
05:56And none of them fancy you.
05:58Me?
05:59Completely different.
06:00I can't help it.
06:01I'm just attractive to women.
06:03What a boat race looks like doesn't mean a thing.
06:06They take one look at me and they go,
06:08that boy's been around.
06:10Strength, confidence, that's what they want.
06:12Somebody who's going to dominate them.
06:14Dear, oh dear.
06:151960 and they haven't advanced since the club on the head and drag them off by the air days.
06:19Very distressing for wee poets.
06:22Is there no room for the Esthete anymore?
06:25The delicate courtship.
06:26The locket of hair for her to wear around her neck.
06:30The shy stolen glances across the aisle of the church of a Sunday morning.
06:36The heart delicately carved in the old oak tree.
06:40The pressed rose in the book of Browning.
06:42Yeah.
06:43Oh, don't drop any of that rubbish mate.
06:44A quick go over the choppers with a brush full of striped toothpaste and straight at it.
06:48Yeah.
06:53Carmen.
06:55Carmen, very romantic.
06:56Very Daphne du Maurier that is.
06:59No flowers, no chocolate.
07:00No, none of that.
07:02If it's a bit of class I might give my shoes a rub over but that's me lot.
07:05I don't understand it Sydney, we live in two different worlds.
07:09Yeah, well there's nobody in yours worth talking about is there?
07:13There's no need to be so cruel.
07:15When you're 35 and birdless the world can be a very lonely place.
07:18Yeah, well I wouldn't know about that. I've got more than I can handle.
07:21I've got to get rid of two tomorrow night. You can have a crack at them if you like.
07:24Have a crack at them?
07:27Sometimes your phraseology revolts me.
07:29I don't know why Shakespeare bothered with blokes around like you.
07:33Well you don't know what you're doing, you've got no idea.
07:35All this corny old stuff about a horned gramophone in a punt up at Maidenhead.
07:39This is all dead, it went out years ago.
07:42Well my way is not your way, I'm far too coof.
07:45Giving the shoes a shine up the back of the trouser leg is not me and it never has been.
07:49I like to do things properly. Everybody's not like you you know.
07:52Don't worry, I'll find a way. I'll think of something.
07:58Don't know what you're waiting for. The last bus went hours ago.
08:04Oh, another late night. Five miles to walk home and with feet like mine.
08:11No, never mind. Billy Butler might be waiting there for us with a cheque.
08:26Oh, good afternoon sir. Good afternoon.
08:29Can I help you? Yes, I see I can.
08:31There we are sir, that's much better. We must pay attention to details.
08:35Don't you start.
08:37Now then, I've come about this advertisement in last night's paper.
08:40Men, are you lonely? Are you unattractive to women?
08:42Yes.
08:43Well, I am.
08:45It says here the Mayfair charm school for men guarantees I'll be knocking around with starlets and models within a
08:49fortnight.
08:50Oh, yes sir. Our course guarantees to transform lifelong wallflowers into rare and beautiful orchids.
08:57Yes.
08:59Yes, I suppose that's one way of putting it.
09:02You can be sure that I shall be much sought after by the opposite, if you'll pardon the expression, gender.
09:11Oh!
09:14But of course, sir, nothing is impossible for a Mayfair charm school graduate.
09:18You wish to enrol?
09:20By all means, I'd like to start today, if that's possible.
09:22Certainly. We'll just fill out this enrolment form to see which course you are in need of.
09:26Oh, you have more than one course?
09:27Oh, yes, sir. They're graduated. Depending on the type of pupil, we arrange from the Eliza Doolittle transformation course for
09:33the complete failures, up to the refresher course, which is mainly designed for the returning rubber planter from Malaya type
09:39who's got a bit rusty.
09:41But don't you worry, sir. We'll soon place you in the right category. Now, if you'll be so kind as
09:46to answer these few questions.
09:48Name?
09:48Anthony Hancock.
09:50Anthony... Age?
09:52Erm, 30-ish.
09:56Could you be a little more precise?
09:58Erm, early 30s, you know. Not quite over the hump.
10:02Have you ever been married?
10:04No.
10:05Engaged?
10:06No.
10:06Regular girlfriends?
10:08No.
10:09Casual girlfriends?
10:11No.
10:13Do you like women?
10:14Yes.
10:17Do they like you?
10:19No.
10:21Are you at ease with women?
10:22No.
10:22Are they at ease with you?
10:24No.
10:25Are they antagonistic towards you from the start?
10:27Yes.
10:27Yes.
10:28Now then, can you dance?
10:30No.
10:31Play a musical instrument?
10:32No.
10:33Can you interest women conversationally?
10:36No.
10:38Can you amuse them?
10:41No.
10:43Do they laugh at you?
10:44Yes.
10:46In which way?
10:47In the worst possible way.
10:50Have you any assets that could be developed to their advantage?
10:53No.
10:55Are you sought out at parties?
10:57No.
10:58Sorted out sometimes and then slung out.
11:02Well, I reckon it's the Eliza Doolittle, don't you?
11:05There doesn't seem to be much we can seize on, does there?
11:08No.
11:08You're going to have to work for your money, eh?
11:10I'm afraid so.
11:11All right, then.
11:12Right.
11:12Well, that will be 100 guineas, please.
11:15Oh, dear, oh, dear.
11:16Well, I'll post you my cheque for tomorrow morning.
11:18That'll be quite all right, Mr Hancock.
11:20Some girl's going to pay for this one day.
11:23You wanted me, Mr Hathaway?
11:24Will you kindly show Mr Hancock into the beginner's class, please?
11:27Certainly.
11:28Will you come this way, please?
11:29Hello, my dear.
11:30What are you doing tonight?
11:30I'd like to come down to my place.
11:36If she does that next week, I shall demand my money back.
11:49Here you are.
11:51The classes are just about to begin.
11:56Oh, blimey, dear. Take it, anybody here.
12:04Good morning, boys.
12:05Good morning.
12:05Good morning.
12:06Good morning.
12:07Good morning.
12:07Good morning.
12:08Good morning.
12:08Oh, now, let's see.
12:10Now, I'm your instructor, Gregory Chandler.
12:12We always call each other by our Christian names.
12:14I hope you'll always think of me as Gregory.
12:16Today, we start our course of social attributes,
12:20essential if you are to become attractive male animals.
12:23Yeah, who's he calling an animal?
12:27It's nothing personal.
12:28It's just a twist of expression.
12:30A twist is expression.
12:31He starts at work.
12:33A man who cannot dance is at a complete disadvantage
12:35in his quest for a lady's hand.
12:37The rival who has mastered the types of career
12:39and art will be victorious every time.
12:42Statistics prove that eight out of every ten married couples
12:44met their partners on the dance floor.
12:47By the time you leave here,
12:48each one of you will be an accomplished dancer
12:50ready to waltz your way into the heart of your chosen one.
12:54Parents and Antony out here, please.
12:56Hurry, hurry, hurry.
12:56We haven't got all there.
12:58First of all, the basic steps of the waltz.
13:01Follow me, please.
13:02Watch me, Captain.
13:03What's he going to do?
13:03Knees up by the brown?
13:07Do you mind?
13:08This is very serious.
13:09Dancing is an extremely important factor
13:11in the successful ladies' man,
13:13so pay attention, please.
13:15The waltz.
13:17Left foot forward, right foot forward,
13:19but to the right, join left foot to right foot.
13:21I shall now do that again.
13:23One, two, three.
13:25One, two, three.
13:27Now then, the two new boys,
13:28follow me at once, will you please?
13:30One, two, three.
13:32One, two, three.
13:34Now back.
13:35One, two, three.
13:37One, two, three.
13:38Now then, your turn, Clarence.
13:40Let's do this over several times, will you?
13:41Your turn will come later, Anthony.
13:43One, two, three.
13:45One, two, three.
13:48One, two, three.
13:50One, two, three.
13:51One, two, three.
13:53One, four, four.
13:54One, two, three.
13:57One, two, three.
13:57And look, see, we're running all of her hunts.
14:14We'll move light by far from the house,
14:14of which he infested into drag river.
14:14Now then, the sign is to set off fr הוא.
14:15Now then.
14:17There's what he made for sure because
14:19the Northern Sidecar river.
14:20There's what he had to know
14:21and near our island we economy,
14:30THE END
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16:46who appreciates fine paintings, the devotee of the opera and the ballet, such a man will
16:51always be tremendously popular with women.
16:53I can play the mouth organ.
16:56So that's not quite the same thing, Clarence.
16:58I should have said that a piano would be more in keeping with such a man.
17:02At all events, how could any woman resist a man with such attributes?
17:06Picture him in his apartment, sophisticated, cultured, a man of great charm, soignee, delightful
17:14in every respect.
17:15Equally at home in Rome, New York, Paris, London.
17:44You came...
17:48I couldn't keep away.
17:50Naturally.
17:52And your husband, Sir Sidney?
17:55He's in Paris.
17:57How boring.
17:59Out of season.
18:05I think he knows.
18:08Knows?
18:09About us.
18:12About us.
18:13Yes.
18:17Who?
18:21Sir Sidney.
18:23How boring.
18:25Do you like Beethoven?
18:27Mm, I adore him.
18:29I find him rather old-fashioned.
18:32I'll divorce him, of course.
18:34Of course.
18:37He's dead, you know.
18:43Who?
18:46Beethoven.
18:49His poor wife.
18:52Quite.
18:56You'll marry me, of course.
18:57Of course.
18:58Probably won't last long.
18:59I get bored very easily, you know.
19:00Mm, two weeks of happiness with you is worth a lifetime with any other man.
19:04You're talking like a shop girl again.
19:07I'm sorry.
19:08You'll forgive him.
19:11You play exquisitely.
19:13I know.
19:22Oh, no, no.
19:23Don't stop.
19:24Please go on.
19:25That's the end of it.
19:29How silly of me.
19:31Well, you really must pay attention.
19:33Oh, how can I with you here?
19:36You're becoming emotional again.
19:38I'm sorry.
19:41Have you ever seen a biscuit tinned by moonlight?
19:45No.
19:46It looks rather like the Taj Mahal.
19:49Really?
19:50Yes.
20:00Tell me.
20:03How did middle sex get on?
20:06All out.
20:07Good old Surrey.
20:09Oh, your eye.
20:11You've been hurt.
20:11It's nothing.
20:12I have another one.
20:16How did it happen?
20:18Very silly, really.
20:18Carnegie Hall, a particularly rowdy passage in the 1812.
20:22The E-flat flew up and struck me.
20:25How dreadful.
20:26It could have been worse.
20:27It could have been the G-sharp.
20:28You know how many times that comes into it.
20:31Oh, I can't go on like this.
20:33You'll realize that, don't you?
20:34Oh, I love you desperately.
20:37You're my sun, my world, my moon.
20:40How terribly immense.
20:43Kiss me, kiss me.
20:47Oh, thank you.
20:48Oh, thank you.
20:48Not at all.
20:56I thought I'd find you here.
20:57It's my husband.
20:58How do you do?
20:59We're lovers, you know.
21:00You swine.
21:01You've taken the one thing in the world I care for.
21:03Your bootless is undone.
21:06That's better.
21:07Pleasure.
21:08I demand you to return home with me, Helen.
21:12Helen.
21:13That's my name.
21:14I like it.
21:16Children are waiting for you, Helen.
21:18You have children?
21:19Three.
21:20How terribly clever of you.
21:22Are you coming, Helen?
21:23Never.
21:24I can't leave him.
21:25I love him.
21:26Your last chance.
21:27Choose between him and me.
21:28Oh, there is no choice.
21:30I shall follow him to the ends of the earth.
21:32Then I shall shoot myself.
21:33You'll find a gun in the drawer.
21:35Long talk.
21:38Is that your final word, Helen?
21:39Yes.
21:40Then goodbye forever.
21:42Goodbye, Sidney.
21:43Goodbye, man.
21:44You will watch where you fall, won't you?
21:46Before I go, I would like to say
21:47that I've lost to a better man in every respect.
21:50You're a sportman, sir.
21:51Pleasure to always go out.
21:52Goodbye.
22:36Boy, you.
22:37What's gone way?
22:39You all right?
22:41Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I was miles away.
22:44I was daydreaming, you know.
22:45Oh, we mustn't daydream. We must be, Anthony.
22:47We're here to work. A great deal to be done
22:49before you get your diploma.
22:51All right, then. We shall now do
22:53some revision of our speech-training
22:55exercises. The rain
22:57in Spain stays mainly
22:59on the plain. All together, now.
23:02The rain in Spain
23:03stays mainly on
23:05the plain. The rain
23:07in Spain stays mainly
23:09on the plain.
23:11The rain in Spain stays mainly
23:14on the plain.
23:15The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
23:20The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
23:25The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
23:28The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
23:29The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
23:29The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
23:32The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
24:51Where is she?
24:53He's an hour late.
24:56I said he'll be out of the pictures soon.
24:57I wanted to knock him out with this.
24:59I wanted to be engaged by the time he got back here.
25:02Ah, millionaires.
25:03That was money well spent, that course was.
25:06First day out on me own, straight down the Tate gallery.
25:09Here is to an oatmeal start fortune.
25:12Ah, there'll be no stopping me now.
25:22If she smells that kipper, I've had it.
25:31Come.
25:38You came.
25:39I couldn't keep away.
25:41Naturally.
25:42I didn't know you played the piano.
25:45I can do everything.
25:46Oh, you're so clever.
25:48Shall I paint a picture for you?
25:50Oh, yes.
25:51I adore talented men.
25:56It's going to be easier than I thought.
25:59Free oatmeal start for the rest of my life.
26:04Oh, don't stop.
26:05Play something else.
26:21Hello, Horatio.
26:23I thought you were going to be out tonight.
26:24Obviously.
26:26Oh, how's the old diploma working out then?
26:28I think I've got a little surprise for you.
26:31I'd like you to meet the Honorable Sarah Plunkett,
26:35heiress to the plunkied oatmeal start fortunes.
26:38Hello.
26:40You're a bit of all right, aren't you?
26:41A bit of all right.
26:43Well, you're the best bit of homework I've ever seen him with.
26:45Oh, I said.
26:47Here, have yourself a drink.
26:48What's your whistle on a bottle full of that?
26:49Do you mind?
26:50I've got some champagne here.
26:51This young lady's not used to this sort of rubbish.
26:53This rubbish you are referring to
26:55happens to be made by my father.
26:58Oh, God damn it.
27:02You know something?
27:03I haven't seen a little bit of stuff like you, not for ages.
27:06Oh, I said.
27:08Really, the manners of the proletariat these days.
27:11Nice and cozy, isn't it?
27:13What shall we do tonight?
27:13Shall we have something to eat?
27:14Some nice eels, say?
27:15Some savaloers, fries?
27:17Yes, how terribly exciting.
27:19I haven't eaten food like that.
27:20It's horrible to put a girl like you in bed for weeks.
27:23Now, I've reserved a nice little table at the Ritz.
27:25He's dead uncouth, you know.
27:26I adore uncouth men.
27:31Oh, well, I mean, these ignorant men are all very fascinating for the start.
27:34I grant you that.
27:34But, I mean, after all, I've taken the course.
27:36I know how to weigh in and dine a lady.
27:37I've got my diploma.
27:38I know how to light your cigarettes, open doors for you.
27:40Shall I play your tune?
27:42Hop it.
27:43Shall I play your old favourite?
27:45Oh, hop it.
27:47Isn't that right, Sidney?
27:48Yes, marvellous.
27:49We'll have you chatting hot beer in no time.
27:51Oh, what a waste of time, this is.
27:59Hello, team two, please.
28:03Hello, is that Andres, the barbers?
28:06I want to book a chair first thing in the morning.
28:08I want me hair cut.
28:10Yes, I want a big hole shaved in the top of my head.
28:14I'm going into a monastery.
28:15Yes, the tonic wine business.
28:18Of course they will.
28:19With feet like mine, I'll be invaluable in the crushing season.
28:25Friar Hancock.
28:27I don't know.
28:28I might get a part in Robin Hood.
28:29You never know.
28:29I don't know.
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