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00:04BBC Television presents Tony Hancock in...
00:10Hancock's offer.
00:34The End
01:01i thought you said women went berserk as soon as they got on a boat
01:04oh blimey you're still on about that that's what you said let's go on a mediterranean cruise you
01:09said it's a well-known fact you said something happens to them as soon as they get on a boat
01:14nothing happened yet mate been out nearly 2 000 miles and not a sign
01:20we got another week to go he's not good enough you guarantee me we're on a good thing
01:25you said as soon as they threw the ropes over the side at tilbury they'd be chasing me around
01:28the sun deck the only reason i came i've never been so bored stiff in my whole life i'd just
01:36as well have stayed at home and watched television how do you expect the birds to get romantic
01:40about you when you're dolled up like that you've got to jump about a bit show them your muscles
01:45get into your lightweights what in october this is the mediterranean boy it's 93 degrees in the shade
01:53it is still october i always get into me heavy stuff on the first of october and i don't get
01:58back into the light stuff until the first of may
02:03can't argue with the seasons but it's different out here the climate's different
02:07don't argue with me sid october is october whatever you are
02:11can't ignore the calendar states quite clearly for the month of november
02:15i'm sorry of october for the month of october just underneath the picture of the robin red
02:19breast with a scarf around his neck it says the north winds will blow and we shall have snow
02:26and i'm ready for it boy
02:29oh you please yourself boy everybody else is having a marvelous time
02:33i went like a bomb around the swimming pool this morning
02:36i think it was me shantung tuts
02:42you mark my words those half naked fools will all be down in pneumonia before we get to athens
02:47steward
02:48yes sir bring me another blanket another hot run punch please
02:52yes sir aren't you well sir mind your own business push off of it
02:57what a miserable trip this is
02:58think of all the money it's costing me
03:00120 quiddish ton bull and back i've been dragged out here under false pretenses birds you promised
03:06me and birds i have not seen every night i leave me cabin door and open and nothing comes in
03:11except
03:11the draft how many times have i got to tell you how do you expect them to chase after you
03:16when you're
03:16done up in that gear i don't understand you why don't you get into your curly ground outfit the
03:20yachting cap the blazer the white tronald i tried that the first night out everybody thought i was a
03:26steward two old girls having me on the run all night gin and limes do they tip well i must
03:34admit
03:35that and where's the scenery you promised me hey hey where is it water that's all we've seen on either
03:41side of the boat a straight line of water seven days all i've seen is water smoke sky and birds
03:46and not the sort of birds i came to see and what is the to do go on answer me
03:51that what is the to do
03:53well you could take a walk around the boat i've had a walk around the boat 300 times i walked
03:58around
03:58it this way i've walked around it that way i've walked across it i've walked up and down it and
04:02dead boring it is too how can you say that they got a cinema dancing a swimming pool i don't
04:08dance i
04:08can't swim and i've seen all the films apart from that i don't like the sea it's a very unsafe
04:13way
04:13of traveling so all in all whichever way you cut the cake i've had it haven't i oh what a
04:18miserable
04:18ratbag you are well i'm having a marvelous time good luck to you i have never had such a good
04:22time
04:23in me life oh well simple minds i suppose oh all right then now you are the list i say
04:39can we have
04:40our ball back here we go i fancy you how do i look absolutely revolting wow i'll see you back
04:48in
04:48two minutes here we are sweetheart can i come and play with you then now sordid a man of his
04:52age
04:55i say that was right yes but look you want to go over with it well no all right push
04:59off then
04:59well look here who do you think you are don't binky don't quarrel let's go and play
05:03course you take him away otherwise i might unwrap myself and leap on him
05:09i'm a way to carry on on a british ship
05:23hello are you on your own yes thank you
05:28would you like me to sit with you and talk to you no i've noticed you you're always on your
05:36own
05:36aren't you yes thank you don't join in anything do you i enjoy being on my own are you an
05:43eccentric
05:44no i'm not just leave me alone do a lot of reading don't you you'll hurt your eyes you will
05:54oh that's yours in a minute
05:55go on there's a bathing beauty competition up the road go on push up
06:04you're a cheeky one you are what cabin are you in never you
06:11well i thought we're both on our own and no responsibilities and we're about the same age
06:22i beg your pardon i resent that i meet you tonight under the lifebird half past twelve
06:29i'm not there by sunrise don't hang around
06:34i've been looking forward to this trip meeting someone like you you fascinate me you good luck
06:44quiet dignified reserved good looking in a portly sort of way is that your technique then will you
06:53please leave me alone madam see what i mean hard to get still we've got another 10 days yet you'll
07:01come
07:02round they always do bye bye cheeky
07:10what a farce 200 birds on the boat and she has to be the one who goes berserk
07:16oh this isn't fair i should do better than this a man of my colliber
07:20oh i think i'll cheer myself up i'll have a little read
07:44is the um captain around sir no he's off duty man what do you want i just wanted to check
07:49on
07:49this menu sir yes uh roast chicken roast potatoes stuffing and green peas we had green peas yesterday
07:55haven't you got anything else onions got any leaks of you yes have we got some lovely lovely that's
08:00it then leaks it is lovely very good sir leaks it is steady on your course coxswain
08:07and the great ship ruritania slowly slid beneath the icy waves shrouded in thick
08:13oh i stopped reading this stuff just because a fog on blows it doesn't mean to say we're going down
08:22put yourself together you great buffoon where are these leaks then down below number number three
08:28hold and hurry up we haven't got much time if you want any help give us a shout all right
08:32right
08:33leaks
08:36we've hit something already hard it's the ruritania all over again oh no it can't be well all right we're
08:42going
08:42along all right it's unsinkable this thing there was the ruritania must find out about those leaks
08:48i think we've been an iceberg
08:58what you're looking for icebergs icebergs there's no icebergs around here there are i think we've hit
09:04one already we're leaking i know that much i went to see about the leaks number three hold what are
09:08you
09:08talking about he's banging out you see there are no icebergs in this part of the world that's what
09:18the captain of the ruritania thought and then suddenly wallop eyes down for a boot full of seawater
09:24we're lost mate we're lost i tell you when did you last see land gibraltar two days ago exactly two
09:28days
09:29ago you can't travel two days without seeing land that captain he's gone wrong and he won't admit
09:34it he's too proud that's his trouble he turned right at gibraltar instead of turning left
09:39and how do we know it was gibraltar it looked like a great iceberg to me
09:44what do you keep digging that bell for there's nothing in front of us
09:48they don't know what they're doing one of them came off the bridge just now and did that
09:51see which way the wind was blowing that's nice isn't it
09:53the boat is manned by amateurs i think we ought to take the boat over
09:57take it over i don't know we'll be in athens in two days athens that's a laugh i know where
10:03we'll
10:03finish up nagasaki or some other lonely desert island in the antarctica we can't just stand by
10:12and let that pink cap fool run straight into the nearest iceberg i say we've got to take over the
10:16ship
10:16are you with me are you with me my shirt have you gone raving man say what's wrong what's all
10:20the
10:20shouting about it's the captain he's lost we're drifting about hopelessly with mars from anywhere
10:24dear is that true oh it can't be they know what they're doing they've got wireless wireless of
10:29course don't do anything till you hear from me
10:35yes oh yes s o s that's it i must go and warn the others
10:42k-i-n-s soskins there we are madam mary soskins happy birthday love mum thanks very much for
10:50you there tonight thank you so much we're sinking sending an sos message oh don't worry dear it's
10:58all right the british seamen are the finest in the world i heard someone mention the british seamen
11:01good afternoon sir you're having a pleasant voyage who are you i'm the first officer sir just the man i
11:06want to see where are we uh well do you mean by that our exact position to the dot i
11:10want to know
11:10where this ship is exactly at this moment well to tell you the truth sir i'm just going on duty
11:13i'm
11:13afraid i haven't seen the chart since yesterday yesterday 20 knots an hour 200 miles off course
11:18at least steady under there's no need to panic you know i mean there's always someone up there all my
11:22fellow officers but they're bits of boys straight out from dartmoor dartmoor well wherever it is then
11:29where's the captain he's in bed he's in bed he's ill he doesn't know what he's doing there's an
11:35invalid in charge of the boat please so control yourself you'll panic the other passengers look
11:38the captain's not ill he's just tired after being on the bridge all night all night eh so there is
11:44something wrong what's going on in this boat what are you trying to hide from us what's in those glasses
11:50ice just as i thought small chunks of ice that proves you've hit an iceberg it's ripped open the
11:56side of the ship and they're down below hacking away at it and to try and keep it from the
12:01passengers
12:01there put it in the drinks you cunning devil man the boat we don't will you control it
12:09it's always like this well look you look after him will you and i'll go and get the ship's doctor
12:12it's probably the heat look just keep him quiet will you now calm down you hear what the man said
12:16there's nothing wrong so calm down and relax before you get a punch right up the nutcruncher
12:21get your hands off me i'm not gonna drown the captain's delirious the officers don't know what
12:26they're doing there's a dirty great hole in the bottom of the boat we're doomed i tell you man the
12:29boat what are you talking about we're sinking not only that we're lost the captain's strapped to
12:34his bunk the officers are taken over he's gone bonkers it's the cane mutiny all over again
12:39be lying there in his bunk clicking those little steel ball bearings together like that
12:45as soon as he starts asking about the strawberries we've had it
12:49it's quite true my dear are the captains in bed and the first officer admitted he didn't know where we
12:53didn't he did say that didn't he well surely that is enough proof well i insist on taking over the
12:58boat don't worry coming away everything's under control don't worry sos signal's been set up to
13:04all the vessels in the vicinity i don't suppose we shall be in the water for more than wait or
13:08nine
13:08hours what about the captain don't panic oh the captain yes well i'll soon see about him i'll
13:13tell him the residence as soon as he gets to dry land on what charge i'll tell you on what
13:17charge
13:18general election of duty deserting the bridge and lack of moral fiber and who sir may you be i'm the
13:24captain would you care to step up onto the bridge for a moment sir don't you try your rough sailing
13:30like techniques on me my good man these people are all behind me
13:32you don't know what's happening don't panic don't worry i'll sort him out stand by the boat watch it
13:39watch it thank god thank god oh well i might go back a few bob out of it get your
13:46sweepstake
13:47tickets here for the lifeboat only one seeing the ticket every lucky winner
14:06oh now what's this all about what have you been telling my passengers don't you come that high
14:10handed attitude with me my good man i've told them what you should have told them long ago the truth
14:13we'll last you're ill there's a great gas along the side of the boat i demand you have to control
14:19the boat to me immediately are you out of your mind do you realize as captain of this ship i'm
14:23responsible for the safety and well-being of the passengers aboard and i could have you placed under
14:27restrictive arrest for the duration of this voyage you can't touch me we know the truth your last
14:32don't you not lost all right then where are we go on where are we we're traveling at 22 and
14:37a half
14:37knots on a position latitude 43 by seven and longitude four by eight we're exactly 33 and a
14:42half miles off the coast of france within three miles of the north mediterranean light ship and in
14:46two and a half hours we'll be docking at marseilles precisely 1907 hours a bit vague isn't it
14:55moreover when we go to marseilles i shall have you put off at the docks
14:58i don't want to see any of those french doctors i'm perfectly healthy
15:02what about the pole in the boat what about the hole in the bottom of the boat then chief engineer
15:07oh mac one of the passengers seems to think there's a hole in the bottom of the boat
15:12here haven't you any control over your men are you satisfied it wasn't me it was them i tell them
15:21not to pray but they wouldn't listen to me they're out for blood they're in an ugly mood the irresponsible
15:25fools step back you're mutinous dogs it's too late they're blind fools they're ready to write
15:34i've done what i could captain it's called for drastic measures we must hold the bridge at all costs we've
15:39got a good vantage point you've got some dry tack up here we could hold them off for days
15:43i'll put a volley of great shot over their heads we'll show those scurvy sons to us
15:50we'll clap menards the wind will be set there we'll be oh two in marseilles on the noontide
16:05come along you'll be all right get your hands off me we have a mutiny to quash now don't worry
16:09sir
16:10a little sedative and when you wake up everything will be all right just a slight case of sunstroke
16:14party when you close on him come along get your hands off me come along come along
16:23fire trelawney is waiting in his cabin to see you
16:32we're going to find ben gun's treasure eh you'd like that wouldn't you
16:41what's he talking about he's a raving monarch
16:44what a nice doctor to have on a boat is he
16:47all aboard for treasure island eh long's on come along me old shipmate
16:53get that old wooden leg moving eh the wooden leg oh no this wouldn't that that's right this one
17:00yes of course yes of course
17:05goodness
17:09goodness
17:11no
17:11no
17:14no
17:16no
17:17no
17:38What do you want to put that gear on for?
17:41What do we look like at the Western Brothers on holiday?
17:47How do you feel?
17:48I'm fine. There's never anything wrong with me.
17:50I just made a bit of a mistake, that's all.
17:51It could happen to anybody. I just thought we were lost, that's all.
17:53Well, don't do it again. I may be responsible for you.
17:55And you've got to take it easy.
17:56Just relax, take a quiet stroll around the deck,
17:59then back to your cabin, malted milk, and off to bed.
18:01There's nothing wrong with me, malted milk.
18:05Another thing, I resent being strapped down to me bed.
18:08Especially with that funny woman roaming about the boat.
18:11I'm supposed to be enjoying myself.
18:13I want to get amongst the ladies.
18:17I'm just not fit enough, boy.
18:18You go back to bed. I'll sort something out at the dance tonight.
18:21Dance? What dance?
18:22Didn't I tell you I've organised a fancy dress ball tonight.
18:25You aren't still taking money off those poor people.
18:27You're the one they ought to strap down.
18:29Well, it's only a guinea ticket, and I've had to do all the organising.
18:31What organising?
18:32Well, I had to blow up the balloon.
18:35Talk on the floor.
18:36Move the chairs about.
18:37I'm entitled to a bit of profit.
18:38Then I've had to provide the prizes.
18:39Oh, and what do they play?
18:41Well, the first prize is a conducted tour of the engine room.
18:43Oh.
18:45And the second prize is a smasher.
18:46It's a peep through your port, I'll let you strap down in bed.
18:50So, if you wouldn't mind doing a bit of eye-rolling and screaming out,
18:53you know, let them think they're getting their money's worth.
18:55You cheeky...
18:56Well, blimey, it's not every day they get a madman on board.
18:58I'm not a madman!
19:01How dare you put me on exhibition?
19:02How dare you?
19:05Me!
19:06Strapped down, eye-rolling, and shouting out.
19:09Look, they know I'm not bonkers.
19:10Who are you trying to kid?
19:13Good morning, lovely day.
19:17There you are, you see?
19:18I don't think you'd better come to the dance tonight.
19:20The word will soon get round,
19:21as a madman losing a Paul Jones could ruin our whole evening.
19:25Oh, this isn't good enough.
19:26I want to come to the dance, Sid.
19:27Look, it's in fancy dress.
19:29They wouldn't know it was me.
19:31All right, I'll tell you what I'll do.
19:32I'll let you come.
19:33If you promise to be back in bed by midnight,
19:35all for the prize-giving,
19:36strapped down and screaming out, all right?
19:38Oh, all right, but under protest.
19:40What a farce.
19:43Oh, yeah, watch it.
19:44Lillian Gish is on the moon.
19:49Well, sailor boy,
19:52you're feeling better?
19:53It's always the quiet ones that go off, isn't it?
19:58Still, I'm glad you're up and about again.
20:01Would you like me to look after you?
20:03No, thank you.
20:04Hasn't made any difference to me, you know.
20:07I still like you.
20:09Oh, come on.
20:10Carla, what's been going on with you two, then?
20:12Oh, nothing.
20:13Just little shipboard romance.
20:15Nothing serious.
20:17No, exaggerate it, madam.
20:19I haven't encouraged you one bit.
20:20Oh, yes, you have.
20:22I've seen you looking at me
20:25too shy to make the first move.
20:31I'm a widow, you know.
20:36I'm not surprised.
20:42Poor bloke.
20:43I should think he was well out of it.
20:45I get very lonely at times.
20:48I don't doubt that.
20:49I'm a woman that's used to men's company
20:52under the lifeboat tonight.
20:54How about it?
20:55Well, go on, then.
20:56What are you waiting for?
20:56You keep up!
20:59I'll melt you, you aspergy.
21:02See you later.
21:04Cheeky.
21:06You'll be lucky I'd soon have swim home.
21:09Oh, you sly old dog, you.
21:11Telling me all the time
21:11you couldn't get any birds.
21:13And there you were, moaning away
21:15and all the time you had
21:15that little charmer lined up
21:17ever since we left Tilbury.
21:19Oh, you'll be all right there, boy.
21:21Doesn't matter what she looks like,
21:22we might run into another fog patch.
21:27What a sordid mind.
21:31There's not an ounce of delicacy in you, is there?
21:34No romance in your soul.
21:36Dark nights and fog patches.
21:38Ideal conditions for you, aren't they?
21:39Here we are, sir, doctor's compliments
21:41and here is your sedative.
21:43Wait a minute, do me a favour.
21:44Give it to that woman up there, will you?
21:46Right, sir.
21:46There you are.
21:47Have yourself a brown ale.
21:48Thank you, sir.
21:50Thank you, sir.
22:20Do you think anybody will recognize me?
22:22No, not a chance. Don't forget you've got to be back in bed by midnight.
22:26Leave one of me boots on the stair, don't let her get it, will you?
22:29Come, Tonto, off we go to the war, darling.
22:31Me coming, Kim Sharmy.
22:37Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners from Paul Jones.
22:43Ladies on the inside and gentlemen on the outside.
23:04It's fate.
23:06Yeah, worse than death.
23:09You're him, aren't you?
23:11No, ma'am, I'm the Lone Ranger, a high old silver.
23:13No.
23:14Yes, but you're him too, aren't you?
23:17Pardon me, ma'am, I don't think I've had the pleasure.
23:18Pardon me, I have a horse waiting for me outside.
23:21Oh, Cleopatra.
23:23Good, well, jump on your barge and up it.
23:26I know you're him, I can see your eyes through those little slits.
23:29Let's dance out onto the deck.
23:31No, I don't think we're better. Is it 12 o'clock yet?
23:33No.
23:33Pilly, didn't the steward give you a drink? Did you feel a bit drowsy?
23:36Oh, no, I threw it away, I don't drink.
23:38Oh, well, I'll be after the bar then.
23:39Oh, I'd like a bit of lemon, though.
23:41Oh, right.
23:41Later.
23:44Oh, well, a pity it stopped.
23:45Oh.
23:46Thank God.
24:03Hello, my dear, I've been looking for a nice girl like you. What's your name?
24:07Rosie.
24:08Rosie, what a lovely name. Let's dance out on the deck.
24:10Oh, no, I don't think I ought to.
24:12Oh, come on now, a lovely girl like you.
24:14I'd like to very much.
24:15Well, what's stopping you then?
24:17Well, it's my mum, she's after you.
24:19Yeah, mum, I've got him for you.
24:21I've got him for you.
24:23Let me tell you I'll keep going.
24:25All changed.
24:27Come on.
24:45Hello, boy. How are you doing then?
24:47Hello.
24:48Nice little reservation you're working up here?
24:51Any pale faces alive?
24:52Yeah, get in, boy.
24:54Here it goes.
24:54This is Anthony.
24:55Oh, how do you do?
24:56Hello, my dear.
24:57Oh, this is more likely this morning than I imagined.
24:59Tell me, my dear, have you ever been to the Cotswolds?
25:01May I have any more attention a minute, please?
25:05Ladies and gentlemen, I don't wish to alarm you,
25:07but the passenger who went berserk this afternoon
25:09has escaped from his cabin.
25:11He's wandering the ship, and he may be dangerous,
25:13but don't worry, we'll get him all right.
25:15In the meantime, we ask him to come along quietly.
25:18Thank you very much.
25:19This is sheer victimisation.
25:23James, he's over here!
25:24He had his arm round me.
25:25He's in my arm, I'm harmless.
25:26It's all a mistake.
25:27It's intolerable.
25:28I have a British passport.
25:29I demand to see the British ambassador.
25:30You were supposed to be in your cabin under lock and key.
25:32What are you doing here?
25:33Well, I'm only having a little doubt.
25:34I've paid me fare.
25:35I'm entitled to what's going on, surely.
25:37He was put in your counsel, James.
25:38How do you explain this?
25:39Well, he overwhelmed me.
25:40You know what it's like when they're like that.
25:41They've got the strength of ten.
25:43Oh, don't listen to him.
25:44He doesn't want you to know he's been charging people a guinea head
25:46to come to your fancy dress dance.
25:49I see.
25:50Now, under the circumstances,
25:51I have no alternative to have you both put ashore at Portside.
25:54You can't put me ashore.
25:55I had no part of this fiddle.
25:57I demand to stay on board ship.
25:58I should only allow that if you were under supervision.
26:00Oh, I'll look after him.
26:04No, thank you.
26:05No.
26:05No, I think you're right.
26:06Yes, I ought to go off, really.
26:07I do need the treatment, yes.
26:09Ah-ha, young Jim.
26:10Ah-ha.
26:11Ah-ha, old blind queue, pieces of eight, the old wooden leg, eh?
26:15Ah-ha.
26:15Ah-ha.
26:16Ah-ha.
26:18Ah-ha.
26:19Ah-ha.
26:19Ah-ha.
26:22Ah-ha.
26:59Ah-ha.
27:01Ah-ha.
27:04Ah-ha.
27:13Ah-ha.
27:14Ah-ha.
27:14Ah-ha.
27:14Ah-ha.
27:14Ah-ha.
27:14Ah-ha.
27:15Ah-ha.
27:15Ah-ha.
27:15Ah-ha.
27:16Ah-ha.
27:17Ah-ha.
27:17Ah-ha.
27:18Ah-ha.
27:23Ah-ha.
27:35You'll be all right, sir. It's the altitude. It often affects people like this.
27:39He's ill. Ask the pilot to put him off at Zurich.
27:42Zurich? You can't leave me up there!
27:45There's no atmosphere on it!
27:47The blokes with big heads and one eye in the middle of their foreheads!
27:50You couldn't do that to me, please!
28:22Thank you!
28:41Thank you!
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