- 4 weeks ago
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00:00BBC Television presents Tony Hancock in
00:10Hancock's half hour
00:14Ah, this is the life, boy
00:28Nine o'clock of a Saturday morning and all's well
00:30Ah, even the air smells different on Saturdays
00:35I love Saturday
00:36The best day of the week
00:38Eh, no work
00:40The weekend looked forward to
00:41And Saturday night coming up
00:43The big night
00:44The one bright spot in a week of unrelieved gloom
00:47The one part of life's tragic panorama
00:51That I can really put up with
00:52A plan in your pocket
00:54A pint in your hand
00:56And a bird on your arm when the world is yours
00:58See, if it wasn't for Saturday nights
01:01I think I'd go bonkers
01:02Yeah, it's marvellous, isn't it?
01:04I can't wait to get into my pointed Italian
01:06Two-tones and off down the high street
01:08Makes you feel like a king
01:11Clean dicky dirt
01:12New preckham
01:13Clear of luminous almond rocks
01:14New whistle
01:15Nice crease of me strides
01:16Barnet well greased up
01:17And flash of me hamsters
01:18And all the bonnet pallones
01:19I didn't understand a single word you said
01:24But it sounded normal
01:25Down to the nines
01:28Wallowing in the myriad of sensual delights
01:30That Cheam High Street
01:31Has to offer a single gentleman
01:33Of a Saturday night
01:33The Las Vegas of South East England
01:36You can't whack it
01:40What's my girl like, Sid?
01:42Oh, blimey, I've told you
01:43Well, go on, tell me again
01:44You know, I'd like to hear it
01:45Go on
01:45Well, she's about five foot three or four
01:48Beautiful auburn hair
01:50Cascading down to her alabaster shoulders
01:53A face like a Greek goddess
01:57Her eyes, two limpid pools
02:01Lingering, smouldering, challenging
02:04Her lips are deep as red
02:11Soft, moist, clinging
02:14And her figure
02:16Ooh, that figure
02:17When she walks, it's like a young gazelle
02:25Moving across the grasslands
02:27And her voice, it's like a spring breeze
02:32Murmuring
02:33Whispering
02:35And her skin
02:39It's like the texture of a peach
02:42Smoother than the softest velvet
02:44What's her name?
02:50Gladys
02:50You would have to go and ruin it, wouldn't you?
02:58Never mind, boy
02:58We'll be the toaster of the coffee bars tonight
03:00Toast
03:01Oi, where's the breakfast then?
03:07There you are
03:09What is this mess supposed to represent?
03:15That's Earth's scramble-aid
03:17What sort of a meal is that to put in front of a couple of international playboys the likes of us?
03:24Take it or leave it, that's all there is
03:26Well, it's Saturday, it's a special day
03:27Can't you do something special for breakfast?
03:29That is special
03:30You wait till you see what you're getting on Monday
03:32All right, push off, we'll ring if we want you
03:36Earth's scramble-aid
03:38Not my idea of the grand life
03:40Bet Noel Coward doesn't sit down to rubbish like this on Saturdays
03:44They're out on his balcony overlooking the Caribbean
03:48With his silk dressing gown on
03:50Idly, sipping iced tomato juice through his long cigarette holder
03:53Someday I'll find you
03:57And what have I got?
04:03Earth's scramble-aid and Mrs. Cravat
04:05There's no justice in the world
04:07I wouldn't worry about it, mate
04:08We've still got tonight
04:09And when you're sitting in the pictures on a Saturday night
04:12In the dark, you can be who you like
04:14That's true
04:15Isn't it funny how you always imagine you're the bloke you've seen in the film?
04:18Yeah
04:18Do you remember Monday?
04:20You come out convinced you were Robert Mitchum
04:22You had your eyes half closed
04:25You nearly got run over, remember?
04:27Then on Tuesday
04:32You saw Gone with the Wind
04:34So you opened your eyes
04:34Stuck your ears out
04:35And started to talk like Clark Gable
04:37Oh yes, but fair do's
04:39I mean, I do look a bit like Clark
04:40No, no, if you imagine the moustache
04:43And the ears sticking out
04:44See, see?
04:45Nothing like him
04:46That isn't near enough
04:47Who's on this week then?
04:48Charlie Lawton
04:49Charlie Lawton?
04:50Do you name him personally then?
04:51Charles Lawton
04:52Do you?
04:52Charles Lawton
04:53I've got him off
04:55Mr. Christian
04:56You'll hang from the highest yard
04:58I'm above
04:58Charles Lawton
05:02What's a good a-looking
05:03Like him
05:04Down at the palais
05:04On a Saturday night
05:05You want a bit of glamour
05:07Gene Kelly
05:08Everybody loves the baby
05:10And it might
05:11It might be
05:11Gene Kelly
05:19Oh my word
05:20I haven't seen anything
05:22So funny for you yet
05:23Let's face it
05:24See, with a clock like yours
05:25You can't pretend to be
05:26Anybody but yourself
05:26Play your best card, mate
05:29Intriguing ugliness
05:29That's the only chance you've got
05:30I am not ugly
05:33There's a lot of women
05:33Think I'm very attractive
05:34Only women who aren't
05:35As good looking as you are
05:37And they're few and far between
05:39Poor devils
05:40You've got to laugh, mate
05:42You watch tonight
05:43I'll murder them
05:44You watch the old
05:45James Technique
05:46Come into play
05:46You drug them, don't you?
05:49I do not
05:53I charm them
05:54Give them the old chat
05:56One night out with me
05:58And a shop girl
05:58Becomes a princess
05:59Couple of corduces
06:01A come prima
06:02Down their ear holes, mate
06:03And they're mine
06:04Well, I wish you
06:06The best of luck
06:07I reckon
06:07If we play our cards
06:08Right tonight
06:08It'll be the best
06:09Saturday night
06:09We've had for years
06:10All dressed up
06:12And raring to go
06:12I am looking forward to this
06:13We're going to crawl home
06:15In the early hours
06:15With a blissful smile
06:16Of content on our faces, boy
06:17You may clear away
06:23And bring in the coffee
06:24You haven't touched it
06:26Chuck it over the fence
06:27For next door's dog
06:28I've never liked him
06:28Are you two going out tonight?
06:33Of course we are
06:33We always go out on Saturday nights
06:34So you may lay out
06:35My chalk-striped flare line
06:37With the hand-stitched lapel
06:38I shall be wearing that tonight
06:39You won't
06:40I beg your pardon?
06:41I took it to the cleaners
06:42What for?
06:43There wasn't a stain on it
06:45Well, well, I shall wear
06:45Me Prince of Males de Mob suit
06:46I'll send that to the cleaners, too
06:48What?
06:50My entire wardrobe
06:51Down at the cleaners?
06:53Well, you'll just have to
06:53Go and get them, that's all
06:54No, I can't
06:55I'm off home
06:56I've got me old man's breakfast to get
06:58But I'll have nothing to wear
06:59We're going out tonight
07:00I've got to have me suits
07:01I can't help that
07:02I'm not fetching them
07:03Sid, you'll have to nip down
07:04And get them
07:05The Dreadnought Dry Cleaning
07:06And Bag Wash Company Limited
07:07No, he can't get them
07:08Why?
07:09I took all these suits
07:10Down at the cleaners, too
07:11He asked me to
07:14Oh, blimey, that's right, yeah
07:15You didn't?
07:16Well, I thought you were going to
07:17Pick yours up
07:18You could get mine as well
07:19I didn't know she'd take
07:19To know all yours
07:20So we haven't got a stitch
07:21To wear between us
07:22How are we going to manage?
07:24I have to go and get them ourselves
07:25No, we can't
07:27How can we do that?
07:27You can't go down
07:28Cheema High Street
07:28In a dressing gown
07:29Now, look here, Mrs. Grubbett
07:30No, no, I'm off
07:32Home, I'm late as it is
07:33I'll pick them up
07:34For you Monday
07:35Bye-bye
07:36Have a good time
07:38Have a good time
07:40Dancing the blue tango
07:42In your pyjamas
07:43She's ruined everything
07:45She has
07:45No, she hasn't
07:47We go and get them ourselves
07:49But Al
07:49Come on
08:19Beat you
08:28You did, mate
08:29I was held up by a zebra crossing
08:31That's all right
08:32I was stopped at the traffic lights
08:33As my tactics have beat you
08:35I saved myself for a final burst
08:37You were running
08:38I was not
08:39I brought my heels down every time
08:41I beat you fair and square
08:43All right
08:44Don't mind about that
08:45We've got the suits now, boy
08:46All cleaned up and dressed
08:47We'll be all right tonight
08:48I know, that's mine
08:49Sorry
08:50We'll be dapper
08:51Dead dapper we'll be
08:53Oh, perfect
08:55Sight of
08:57Sartorial elegance, eh?
08:59I'd better get the clean shirts out now
09:01I think
09:01And get them a bit of an air in
09:02Yeah
09:03And don't dirty them
09:04Nothing puts a little doll in your
09:05Quicker than a grubby drip dry
09:06Quiet, quiet, Sid
09:09I think I'd better get them out now
09:10In case we have a bit of a mad rush tonight
09:11Get the cufflinks in now
09:13And the stiffeners
09:13While they're off
09:14Not while they're on, eh?
09:15You ever try getting a stiffener
09:17Once you've got your tie on?
09:18Eh?
09:19He can be very nasty
09:20I did, he strangled me stuff
09:22Once I got this bent stiff
09:23And I was up like that
09:24And suddenly I got a bit of crap
09:24Yeah, yeah, yeah
09:25All right
09:26Never mind about the mattering
09:28Get the shirts out
09:29Stone me
09:36She hasn't done the washing
09:37Look at this lot
09:38They should all be pinned up now
09:40With a nice little bit of cardboard
09:41Underneath the collar
09:42Oh, she's a lazy so-and-so
09:44That woman
09:45I'd pay her to do the washing
09:46She hasn't touched it
09:47Oh, we can't go out with linen this colour, can we?
09:49Oh, we'll have to wash them ourselves
09:50Well, we'd never get them dry in time
09:53We can't go out with damp shirts on
09:54We'd get pneumonia if we went out with these on our backs
09:57Oh, we'd seize up before the band got to
09:59Who's Taking You Home Tonight?
10:02Who's Taking You Home Tonight?
10:04The St. John's Ambulance, mate
10:05We've had it
10:09That woman's a fool
10:10She'd have to go
10:11Now, wait a minute
10:12Wait a minute
10:12There must be some way
10:13We can get them pressed
10:14And washed by tonight
10:15Now, let me think
10:16What about it?
10:18Shh, quiet
10:19Oh, good morning, sir
10:37Good morning, madam
10:37My friend and I wish to launder our soiled linen
10:39Certainly, sir
10:40Nine pounds for two and nine
10:41Would you put your washing on the weighing machine, please?
10:44Four ounces
10:45That should be about a pennant, I reckon
10:47Two and nine is our minimum charge
10:50Two and nine for one shirt
10:51That's more than he paid for it
10:52Do you mind?
10:55What I pay for my chemisery is my own business
10:57Anyway, two and three is quite enough for a shirt
10:58Can't you make it any cheaper than two and nine?
11:01Oh, I'm sorry, sir
11:02But perhaps your friend could put his shirt in with yours
11:04That would save you a hour in two machines
11:06You're joking, aren't you?
11:08I'm going to put my good shirt in with that broken-down bit of burlap
11:11How dare you?
11:14Best quality parachute panelling, this is
11:16Transparent, too
11:18They go berserk when they see me string vest through this
11:20Well, that's two machines
11:22Two and nine each, please
11:23It's sheer extortion, madam
11:25I can't keep up with modern science
11:40How do we get inside this
11:41You put your shirt in there
11:48You sure it's safe?
11:51Of course it's safe
11:52All right, I've been tired of the work
11:53I need to snap my head off
11:56Well, now what do we do?
12:08You switch on and sit down
12:10Well, no scrubbing or squeezing her in the leather
12:13You just switch on and sit down and wait till it's finished
12:16Isn't that marvellous?
12:23When I think of my poor old mother on the backs of the canal
12:26With those two great big stones
12:27Pound in a table
12:28I boggle
12:31Yeah, well, that's progress, isn't it?
12:33Oh, this is marvellous, isn't it?
12:34I am going to enjoy this
12:35Oh, I wish I'd been down there
12:37I should come another week to see this
12:38Oh, look, I can see it going round in there
12:42Look, look
12:42There's a collar
12:44Oh, it's me
12:47Look, look, look
12:48They'll be coming round again
12:49Dan, look, look
12:50Can you see it in your seat?
12:54Yes, yes
12:55Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear
12:56Oh, I wish I'd seen these before
12:58Oh, this is a marvellous way to spend your money, isn't it?
13:06That's my shirt going round in there
13:08There it is, look, look, look
13:10They're very good, aren't they?
13:12Well, it's very simple, really, you know
13:15Basic principles, very elementary
13:19Very well known in the time of the Phoenicians
13:22It's a sprocket with a rotary arm
13:24Of course, they had a rope tied to a camel
13:28Going round in a circle
13:29But it's the same principle
13:30Centrifugal force
13:32Causing a disturbance in the water
13:34Shut up
13:36I was only telling them about the camels, that's all
13:41Isn't doing any harm
13:43He's very touchy
13:45He doesn't like me talking to strangers
13:46Neither do I
13:48That's your machine?
14:18what are you looking at mine then for oh nothing
14:23i can make change that's all i'm fed up with looking at me own you want to stop being nosy
14:31looking at other people's washing but i wasn't can't see anything i just got a bit bored that's
14:37all fletchy'd like me to stop the machine take them out and hold them up for you
14:41no thank you it won't be necessary you don't have to go to those lengths
14:45i'm not interested in your washing just as i thought you were getting a better picture on yours
14:52anything wrong it's him he keeps looking at my washing not the slightest bit interested in his
15:07ablutative activities he's trying to ascertain when he put his whites in with his colors that's all
15:13i've never been to one of these establishments before and another thing he's got more water
15:17than i have that's not right for a start
15:19i've got more washing in there that's why it looks like more water it's a displacement
15:24we won't go into archimedes principle here
15:26then he's got bubbles i haven't got any bubbles have you got any bubbles said
15:31yes hundreds of them
15:32well i haven't got any bubbles have you got any bubbles madam
15:34why haven't i got any bubbles did you put enough soap powder in it
15:40soap powder what soap powder i gave your friend two portions of soap powder
15:45how dare you filch my soap powder that's very nice isn't it finishing a bloke's soap powder
15:52you're trying to make me look tatty tonight aren't you
15:55trying to make your shirt look whiter than mine so when you come and stand by me
15:59people will start singing about me mother
16:01well i'm not having that for a start
16:06i am having a ladle full of your bubbles
16:09put those bubbles back
16:11i'll put them on ice
16:12put them back
16:13no there
16:13i'm not getting any more
16:15i haven't had me full whack yet
16:16please please
16:17you're creating a disturbance i'm responsible for these machines
16:21you'll damage them
16:22all right so you can have some more soap powder
16:24sorry i mean to make a scene
16:27i feel very strongly about these questions a man is entitled to his fair share of bubbles
16:31quite quite but everything will be all right now
16:33now why don't you just sit down there and watch your shirt going round eh
16:40you nearly got one with the ladle there
16:44excuse me old chap so you've got much washing in your machine no one shirt at all
16:48oh that's good because i've got a shirt i'd like washed and i don't have to hire one of these things
16:51i wonder if i could put my shirt in with your washing
16:53oh well i don't know really i
16:55well what's the difference two shirts instead of one
16:57oh all right then carry on mine will be finished in a minute anyway
16:59thank you thank you very much
17:09jane mansfield's old man
17:21all right
17:23first quick one it used to take the camels a whole day you know
17:26i suppose they used to whip round as quick as these things
17:28well a very instructive morning now then how do we get it out then
17:32the same way you put it in oh yeah
17:39this is perfect it's absolutely perfect excuse me old chap
17:42my shirt i'm sorry i beg your pardon is that is all right
17:56look what's happened to my shirt but what do you expect if you only pay two and three pence for
18:07them i'm not standing for this i demand conversation they can't go around ruining people's shirts like
18:11this i want to see the manager anything wrong sir there is indeed look what your machine has done to
18:16my shirt i demand recompense well there's no point in putting them in like that i mean this is a washing
18:20machine not a sewing machine the man's a fool it's a brand new shirt it's never been washed
18:27before well i suggest you buy better shirts in future are you looking for a punch up the fag
18:32hole mush are you going to replace this shirt or not i am very sorry sir but it states quite
18:40distinctly on the outside customers use these machines at their own rest there's nothing i can
18:43do about it but it's the only clean shirt i've got i'm supposed to be going out in the town tonight
18:48i can't go bird watching in a thing like this why don't you wear the front part which is not too
18:54bad like that i mean nobody'll notice the rest of the shirt isn't there do you jack it up and your
19:01coat like that besides it gives your overcoat a sort of italian flavor oh no no i'd feel
19:08self-conscious i wouldn't be comfortable in the knowledge anyway you can't go around doing a george
19:12sanders with half a shirt on yeah well i'm very sorry sir that's all i can suggest and i feel
19:16excuse me you're a very busy man oh by the way if you want to dry the pieces there's a spin dryer
19:20over there for only a penny extra i'm not taking any more chances with it mate i want to end up with
19:25a shirt not a bag of confetti i should have stuck to the two big stones at least you know where you
19:31you are good day to you sir
19:44you are good day to you sir
19:56you are good day to you sir
20:03four buttons and a finger gone it's no good you just have to go by yourself i'll only spoil it
20:24for you girls won't look at you if your friend's walking about without a shirt on i'm not taking
20:28two birds on my own can't afford it for one thing and you can't do any good for another
20:35you can't even do any courting with one of them standing by this swinging around bag whistling
20:41you don't have to wear a shirt mate you can wear a sweater and a muffler oh charming and a bit of
20:46pie wrapped up in a spotted handkerchief slung up open the front of me boot up and have my nails
20:53poking out i'll top that one with the lid sticking up i'm only trying to help well don't
20:58i've got to work this out for myself now then am i going to get away without having a shirt
21:04i know a polarex sweater the corduroy trousers and the sandals i'll be a beatnik
21:10i bet that'll get them going i bet they've never been out with a beatnik before
21:14what does a beatnik do then well he uh well i don't know what i don't suppose they'll know either so
21:19they can't argue can they that's settled then i'll nip down the barbers have a haircut and a shave and
21:23i'll see you down the pictures tonight yeah cut and shave from what you tell me about beatniks they
21:27wouldn't worry about that well i'm not a proper beatnik oh no i must have a haircut and shave
21:33i'm more of a sort of a bourgeois beatnik you know i'm getting confident again i think they're
21:38going to be dead chuffed when they see me tell me again sid what's my girl like oh blimey i've
21:42told you three times all right then i'll see you down there
21:46aunt sid yeah do something with yourself eh you know don't show me up eh
22:08do you realize how long i've been waiting here ten minutes what's that leave it alone i had no
22:28choice look fool of a barber he did it on purpose i swear he did everything was all right till we
22:36got into politics and i ended up a mass of cigarette papers look at me here at the back here the 39
22:42steps look at it well you can't stay like that i told them what you look like i didn't tell them
22:47anything about a beard take it off no i'm not walking about with a face full of sticking plaster anyway
22:51the beard goes perfectly with the rest of the outfit and if it goes well tonight i shall keep it in
22:54thank you from me mate you look a right twit i thought you didn't have a shirt you're great
23:07took me three quarters of an hour to get that into place oh this sweater's ridiculous without a
23:11shirt underneath it's like try the dance trampling about
23:17hello glenn how are you all right i'm sorry we're late this is my friend else
23:21hello as your friend turned up yeah that's him how you do
23:29well then cheerio then what are you doing oh yeah we just remember we've got to be home early
23:36well that's all right what time now oh come on
23:41so that was gladys and elsie was it well it was very pleasant while it lasted wasn't it well how about
23:45that standing us up like that i'm not surprised it's always the same when i go out with you you always
23:50spoil it for me what a liberty you turn up here looking like the second mate off a broken down
23:57french tramp steamer and you've got the cheek to complain about me there's no point in trying to
24:00pull each other to pieces we know the truth you never have known how to dress and you never will know
24:05how to dress completely ruin our big night we might just as well go home now wait a minute the night is
24:11young let's look up into the pictures there might be a bit of spare stuff floating around in there
24:19and with the lights down you won't be so much of a lumber how dare you
24:24all you've got to do now is you get them as soon as they come through the curtains and they
24:27can't see what they're doing then they get a whiffety off to save lotion and we got them
24:30all right one more try then just a minute where you think you're going well where do you think
24:40we're going inside you might be but he's not i beg your pardon we don't allow scruff like that in our
24:47cinema now we've had quite enough trouble around these parts as it is come on out take your hands off
24:52me i know your type ripping up the seats tripping up the ice cream girl well you're not doing it in
24:58here i am not a hooligan what's all those bits of plaster on your face no razor scars there you are
25:08it's on the run from some gang are you they'll all be in here looking for you now this is a respectable
25:13cinema this is we don't have scruff like you in here dressed like that oh come now do i look like
25:19a teddy boy on a perfectly respectable citizen this mode of dress has been forced upon me by
25:23circumstances all right i'll be responsible for him i guarantee he won't slash any seats give me
25:27two one and nine well all right then and no whistling or stamping in the love scenes
25:35you are not convinced are you come on you better get me away from him because
25:43hang on to me will you hang on i can't see a thing are there any steps no no no where are we
25:48where are we get in there oh yes excuse me one side thank you thank you thank you yeah
25:56well you're gonna stand there all night yes all right excuse me one side please
26:01one side please i'm telling you thank you get in there
26:11here's a couple of little darlings where where where they're right in front of us oh yes yes i see them
26:15yes yes i don't fancy yours come on
26:29come on elsie this is where we came in
26:35it's just not our night is it
26:36you think it's best to split up or aren't the bunch i think we already split up right
26:42well if you find anything make a noise like an owl ootin eh right
26:45oh
26:51good hunting boy
27:03i have the law on you how dare you manhandle me like that
27:07we only sat next to her to talk to her i didn't know she was the organist
27:15we were just as surprised as you were when we all shot up in the air
27:23don't come back you don't think we're gonna sit still and look at the rubbish you're showing
27:27don't think i'm gonna patronize you anymore i'll get my drinks on a stick elsewhere in future
27:31come sydney let's not stay here chit-chatting to these uniformed yobs
27:39well now what i don't know draw a mustache on her and run for it don't you think
27:44what a miserable night i think i've been waiting the whole week for this
27:47ah stop moaning it's just as bad for me we want to live stone me is this living saturday night
27:53nearly over another another one for seven days wait a minute i think there's still time to
27:57find a couple of birds of course there isn't it's ten o'clock all the spare stuff will be
28:01fixed up by now you mark my words by my experience if there's anything left after
28:07ten o'clock mate it's rubbish
28:11it's crazy our big night that has been a complete and utter fiasco let's go home
28:14go to bed and forget all about it
28:16they're all right ain't they yeah very nice what do you reckon then what we wouldn't stand a chance
28:32we can't get off with them they'd run us in well what better way of getting acquainted it's a lovely
28:36walk down to the station no no see it's not worth it let's go out nope they don't never one fair lady
28:41part from that it'll only cost us a couple of nick a fine what will this will no no see
28:47here we are over here all right come on you two
28:53no no no no just a minute we want to be arrested by those two we're booked that's the only reason we
29:00did it are you coming quietly there's too much hooliganism going on around here i want to be
29:04arrested by those two young ladies over there oh yes well that's my missus oh well of course
29:13i'm not surprised the big nights what a fiasco yeah that's all that about never you mind i'll actually
29:21take care of next saturday as well i'm not having this again come on then what are we hanging about
29:26for come on let's go
29:39so
29:59so
30:01And welcome.
30:02Welcome.
30:03Welcome.
30:04Welcome.
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