- 20 hours ago
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00:04BBC television presents Tony Hancock in...
00:09Hancock's half-hour.
00:27Come on, Addy. Hap we having that old day.
00:33Oh, my back's gone.
00:36Something's gone. I heard it go, and I did.
00:39I'll have to put some wintergreen on that tonight.
00:42My golly, these bags are heavy.
00:44My arms are four inches longer. I swear they are.
00:48Why don't you carry them for a change?
00:50I am not carrying them. I've got my hands to think of.
00:55My spine and a couple of ligaments. If they go, my living's gone.
00:59What about my living if I finish up like this? What sort of parts am I going to play then?
01:03Old Men and Hunchback of Notre Dame.
01:06Not playing Quasimodo for the rest of my life.
01:08The bells. The bells. The bells.
01:14I'm so ugly.
01:20What time does the train go then?
01:22We've got another quarter of an hour.
01:23Oh, I hate train journeys. I always have. They drive me up the wall, train journeys do.
01:27Hour after hour.
01:28Clickety-clack, clickety-clack, biggily-bong, biggily-bong.
01:34This is like they're going on a different train for a start.
01:38Another thing I hate about train journeys is passengers.
01:41Every time I travel by train, I get mixed up with the most ugly-looking lot of geezers you've ever
01:45seen in your life.
01:47I think they're special people.
01:49You never see them anywhere else but on trains.
01:52No more dismal sight in the world than a trainload of Englishmen hurtling through the rain.
01:57Eight hundred miserable people, eight in the sight of each other and can't get off.
02:02How long is this journey going to take then?
02:04Oh, about seven and a half hours.
02:05Seven and a half hours of unbroken gloom.
02:07Clickety-clack, clickety-clack, biggily-bong, biggily-bong.
02:10Nothing to do, nowhere to go and seven pair of hostile eyes staring at you.
02:15I'm not looking forward to this. I don't want to go. I'm telling you, I'm not.
02:17Get a minute. You've got to go. What's the matter with you?
02:19Your name's up outside the theatre.
02:21You're opening tomorrow night. You've always been waiting for this chance.
02:24You've always wanted to play Henry the V.
02:28Well, alright.
02:29I had a lot of trouble getting you this job. It was between you and Gielgud.
02:32It's an honour to play Shakespeare in this theatre.
02:35This is the oldest Shakespearean theatre in England.
02:38Blimey, you ought to be proud the eyes of the old theatrical world to be on you.
02:42I know stars that would give their right arm to play this theatre.
02:45Where to?
02:46Giggleswick.
02:49Giggleswick.
02:50Never heard of it.
02:52Never heard of it?
02:52The most famous Shakespearean theatre in England and you haven't heard of it?
02:56But surely you must have had thousands of passengers going up there this week.
02:59It's the Giggleswick Festival.
03:00No. Where is it?
03:01Oh, good heavens, how ignorant can you be?
03:03Well, it... it... where is it?
03:06It's on the Ribble.
03:07It's on the Ribble.
03:07What's that?
03:08It's a river in Yorkshire.
03:11Giggleswick?
03:11Not on my list.
03:13Where's it near?
03:13Where's it near?
03:14Oh, it's near Burton in Lonsdale.
03:16That's just north of Finalswick.
03:17You've got to go through Gisborne and Gargrave.
03:21I'll have to look in my manual.
03:23Isn't this ridiculous?
03:24Fancy not hearing about Giggleswick?
03:26Big town like that?
03:28It is a big town, isn't it?
03:30Yes, yes, yes.
03:31What did you call it?
03:32The...
03:33The cultural centre of the north.
03:34Yes, that's it.
03:35Fancy not knowing about that.
03:36I found it.
03:37I should think so too.
03:38Right.
03:38Here we are.
03:38Giggleswick.
03:39Change at least.
03:39Fine.
03:40I'll have two first-class returns.
03:43We might get a lift back, you never know.
03:45We don't want to waste money, do we?
03:46After all.
03:47We've only got five minutes.
03:48Come on.
03:49We've arranged transport at the theatre at the other end.
03:51Yeah, don't worry about that.
03:51The manager of the theatre will be waiting for us at the station with a horse and cart.
03:58Horse and cart?
04:00And this is between me and Gielgud?
04:04I'm not looking forward to this at all.
04:08That's it.
04:08Come on.
04:19Good!
04:19Well any room for a little um?
04:21Ha ha ha ha ha!
04:24Of course.
04:25Don't me!
04:26Sidney!
04:27We're down here boy.
04:28Alright?
04:28Right.
04:29Excuse me.
04:30Thank you very much.
04:30Excuse me.
04:33It can't be in that one.
04:35It's much easier for all of us if you put those in the luggage van.
04:38I should think so. I want them here. I can keep me eye on it. I've got some valuable stuff
04:41in there.
04:42Costumes, masks, swords. I'm an actor, you know.
04:44Really?
04:45Yes, Shakespeare. I say Shakespeare. Actually, I've done a lot. I'm not limited.
04:49Phantomine, Ibsen, Variety. I like to jump about a bit. I don't like being typecast.
04:53No, I'm sure you don't.
04:55Yes.
04:56I like Shakespeare, though, mind you. He's deep. There's a lot to him.
04:59He doesn't just bash it out like the others. There's a lot of work that doesn't do his stuff.
05:03Hang on a minute with you. That's a good note.
05:06Look, I'm not a porter, you know.
05:08That's all right.
05:10Whose is this?
05:10That's mine.
05:12Oh, I see. Well, you could have this on your lap, couldn't you, really?
05:15Mine's all big stuff. We don't want to clutter up the carriage, do we?
05:17Right, catch.
05:19Keep it going. Pass the other one up. Where's the good boy? Come on, quick. Keep it going.
05:22That's what we're going to do.
05:23Lovely, lovely, lovely.
05:25Whose little one's this, then?
05:27Oh, that's mine.
05:28Right, catch.
05:31Have you quite finished now?
05:33Yes, we're all right.
05:35There's a bit of room up there. I'll whip this up.
05:36No, please.
05:38The case is full of surgical instruments.
05:40Oh, you're a doctor?
05:42Yes.
05:42That's a stroke of luck. I've had a bit of trouble with my back.
05:47I was carrying those heavy cases, you know.
05:49I felt something go. It was odd.
05:50A pain shot straight up there, you know.
05:52And I thought to myself, I'd better put some wintergreen on. Have a look. Have a look. Have a quick
05:55butcher.
05:56I don't do diagnosis on trains. There's nothing I can do about it. You've probably sprained it. Carry on with
06:02the wintergreen.
06:03Oh, I see.
06:04All the cases up?
06:05Yes, all the hard graft is finished. You can come in now.
06:08Good.
06:09Afternoon.
06:11Afternoon.
06:12Where have you been?
06:13Oh, just chatting.
06:15Bye-bye.
06:16Ta-da. See you in the bar, then.
06:19We'll go in our carriage. Come on.
06:22It's full up. What do you think I come in here for?
06:24Half the train's piled in there with her. There's seven blokes in her and ten standing.
06:30Hey, Doc.
06:32Why couldn't we have had a nice bird like that in our carriage, eh?
06:35It would have been a bit of a giggle, wouldn't it?
06:37I mean, there's nothing in here, is there? Not a light.
06:39I think you owe that idiot and pollen in.
06:41Pardon?
06:42I beg your pardon, madam. I meant no offence.
06:45I'm terribly sorry I didn't see you there.
06:48No reflection on your feminine charms.
06:50I think we're very lucky to have the benefit of your charming person for the next 250-odd miles.
07:02The man's a doctor.
07:05He is?
07:08He said to carry on with the wintergreen.
07:12Didn't you?
07:13Yes.
07:14This is a first-class carriage, you know.
07:17Yes, I'm well aware of that. I have a first-class ticket.
07:19Oh.
07:20Yes, I always travel first-class.
07:22Well, we have to, you know, we stars of the theatre.
07:24Comes off the old tax.
07:25Yes, I'm going first-class all the way up to Leeds.
07:27You're going all the way to Leeds?
07:29Yes, I'm opening in Giggleswick tomorrow night.
07:31Where?
07:32Giggleswick.
07:34I'm playing Henry V.
07:35He's written another lovely part for me.
07:39Once more into the beach, dear friends, once more, I've closed the wall up with that English dead.
07:43In peace, there's nothing so becomes a man with mighty stillness and humility.
07:47Oh, and the blast of water!
07:52You're familiar with it?
07:53Oh, perhaps you could help me with me lines on the journey.
07:55It'll pass the time.
07:56I'll get a couple of swords out.
07:57We'll have a run-through.
07:58No.
07:59I have an important treatise to work on.
08:02I'm lecturing at Leeds University tomorrow, and I have to finish these notes,
08:05which I can only do in an atmosphere of complete silence.
08:10It's all right.
08:11I understand.
08:14A wink's as good as a nod to me.
08:18You won't get another word out of me.
08:24So you're a doctor, eh?
08:28Good job, that, you know.
08:30And me, a star.
08:32What do you do for a living?
08:33Oh, yes.
08:38Well, she's got a few, Bob.
08:40We're very lucky, aren't we?
08:42All with good jobs, you know.
08:43All with a bit of loot stacked away, sitting back in the first-class carries with the blokes up there
08:47cooking the dinner.
08:48Oh, the world's not a bad old place, providing you can forget the poor wretches outside.
08:52What profits a man if he gain the whole world but lose his soul?
09:01You may well ask a very good question.
09:03What, indeed?
09:04That's a thought for the journey, isn't it?
09:05Hello, here's another one with a good job.
09:07Come in, then.
09:07Come on, then.
09:12Well, we've got the lot in here, haven't we, now?
09:15One kills him, one cures him, and one buries him, eh?
09:27Oh, yes, yes, that's the way things go.
09:29Would you mind keeping your tasteless comments to yourself?
09:33Sorry, it was only just a little pleasantry, that's all.
09:36I was merely quoting.
09:37I didn't say it myself.
09:38I was quoting someone who'd put it much better than I would.
09:41Pity he's not here.
09:44Well, yes.
09:52This is a fuss, this is a non-smoker, you know.
09:56Yes, well, you can't expect me to go 200-odd miles without a snap.
10:00I not only expect it, I demand it.
10:04A little dictator, eh?
10:06Would you like to step out in the clandestine?
10:08No, no, Sid, no punch-up.
10:11You can't hit him, he's a doctor.
10:13Look, the reason why people who don't smoke come into a non-smoking compartment
10:16is to get away from the people who do smoke.
10:18Besides, it's a filthy habit and, in my opinion, very injurious to the film.
10:21Well, after all, he should know, shouldn't he?
10:23He's a doctor.
10:24And don't keep saying he's a doctor.
10:25Oh, I'm sorry.
10:31Well, zero hour.
10:33What?
10:34Not me, I didn't say a word, it was him.
10:39Well, this is it.
10:42Here we go.
10:44The Cold War Begins.
11:14Surprising what you can see through those windows.
11:16There's the back on the railway, isn't it?
11:23Keep us for tea, there, I mean.
11:33Don't do that.
11:34Shut, shut, shut.
11:42Do you mind?
11:45Do you mind?
11:55Would you mind?
11:56I'm trying to write my sermon.
11:58I'm sorry.
11:59Hmm.
12:00Hmm.
12:18Well, what's it like then?
12:20Pickle pop?
12:21The book, what's it like?
12:23Very good, it's Ibsen's doll's house.
12:26Doll's houses.
12:29Noddy.
12:33Haven't you got any who done it?
12:36No, I'm afraid I don't read those sort of books.
12:38Oh, well, never mind about it.
12:40How do you fancy stretching your legs then?
12:43No, thank you.
12:45Well, just down the corridor, put a quick cough in a drawer.
12:48What?
12:50Snout! How do you rag? Fag?
12:52I don't smoke.
12:53Oh, do me a favour.
13:00What is it now?
13:01Come here, come here, come here.
13:05Who's that?
13:06Who's what?
13:08It's a drawing, who is it?
13:09I haven't the faintest idea.
13:10Of course you can.
13:11Come up close, come and have a look.
13:12Look, look, look.
13:12Go on, go on.
13:13Who is it?
13:14I don't know.
13:15It's you.
13:21I thought it was a good lightness.
13:25Better than some of that rubbish they get on Dotto.
13:30Well, they did to me.
13:32They made me look quite portly.
13:41Did you bring any magazines?
13:43Couldn't get any.
13:52I'm sorry, I sort of saw my name written down, Ersel.
13:55Quite possibly.
13:56This is The Lancet.
14:00Oh, very interesting.
14:01What's going on this week, then?
14:02Any new drugs been found?
14:03No.
14:04Yes.
14:05Wait a minute.
14:05I've got something here, the very thing.
14:07Try one.
14:09What are they for?
14:10Oh, they're absolutely wonderful.
14:12Put you to sleep just like that.
14:14Ideal for train journeys.
14:16Come on, have one.
14:17Have two.
14:18Have a handful.
14:18No, I don't think I will.
14:19Thank you very much indeed.
14:21Oh, pity.
14:23You haven't given him one, have you?
14:30Are you asleep?
14:31Are you asleep?
14:32What's that?
14:32What's that?
14:32Put that man on the chart.
14:34Take him to the garden.
14:35Oh, I beg your pardon.
14:36What do you want?
14:38Nice medals you've got there.
14:39They're lovely colours, aren't they?
14:40What is it?
14:41I've got that one.
14:42I've got that one.
14:44I haven't got that one.
14:45And I haven't got that one.
14:47Oh, Christian, now do you mind?
14:48I've been on manoeuvres for a week and I'm very tired.
14:50Sleepy.
14:51Maneuvres, eh?
14:51What, NATO?
14:52Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
14:55Oh, yes.
14:55Who's telling you what to do now, then?
14:56The Germans or the Americans?
15:00Would you kindly mind your own business and keep quiet?
15:03Yep, yep.
15:04Keep quiet.
15:05Please be quiet.
15:06Come on.
15:10They're a miserable lot.
15:12So now's of this.
15:17Oh, look everybody, look.
15:19What?
15:20Cows.
15:21Hundreds of them.
15:24Oh, and horses.
15:27Oh, and sheep.
15:28Oh, look at the little lambs.
15:31Ha, ha, ha.
15:34There must be a bump.
15:36Goodbye.
15:45Oh, my God.
15:46Racing at Cheltenham.
15:47The two o'clock.
15:48Blue Ridge.
15:49Kentucky boy.
15:50Maid of the mountains.
15:52Oh, man.
15:53The 2.30.
15:54Tight boots.
15:55Yes!
15:56The lap lighter.
15:56The lap lighter.
15:57Paperweight.
15:58The three o'clock.
16:00City of London.
16:01Kentish man.
16:02Red peppers.
16:02I thought they were gonna do him.
16:04The trainer of City of London was arrested just before the race.
16:07Oh, well, that's right.
16:09The 3.30.
16:10Dustbin led.
16:12New moon.
16:12Do you have to have resting on?
16:14I am just as much entitled to my entertainment as you are.
16:17All I've heard from you up to now is don't do this, don't do that.
16:19Turn this off, turn.
16:20What do you think you are, a shop steward?
16:21Said, said, said.
16:22You can't argue with him.
16:22He's a doctor.
16:24Don't keep saying he's a doctor.
16:26Well, you are a doctor.
16:26I know I'm a doctor.
16:27Well, then control yourself, man.
16:34The doctor shouldn't get in a state like that.
16:37Oh.
16:38Neurotic doctors conducting dangerous examinations.
16:40I have to report this to the BMA.
16:42I am not neurotic.
16:43Of course you are.
16:44Look at you.
16:44You're a massive twitchy.
16:45Look at him go in there.
16:48Now, do you mind?
16:49Let's have a bit of peace and quiet, please.
16:50Ah, never mind.
16:51I've heard what I wanted to.
16:52Thank goodness for that.
16:53Now, perhaps we can have a little peace and quiet.
16:55I must finish these notes.
16:56Please, don't interrupt me again.
16:57I'm big of you.
16:58Well, that's fair enough.
17:00You've asked nicely.
17:01Of course, we shall keep quiet.
17:06After all, the doctor is a noble profession.
17:10A dedicated man.
17:13And the least we can do is to keep quiet.
17:15Ha, ha, ha.
17:17Good luck to you, mate.
17:18You carry on, with you.
17:21Madam, please, shh.
17:23Thank you, buddy.
17:23Oh, shh.
17:36Get back and do you.
17:47Thank you, brother.
17:49Come here, man.
17:56Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
18:25I'll be right back.
18:50Well, I wouldn't like him operating on me.
19:05I spy with my little eyes something beginning with B.
19:11B.
19:12B.
19:14Book.
19:15Now.
19:19Now, is bald bods.
19:26Boots.
19:27Yes, yes, yes.
19:28All right, you've got it.
19:28Fair enough.
19:29Your turn.
19:29Right then.
19:30I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
19:39W.
19:40Yes.
19:42In the carriage?
19:43Not necessarily.
19:49Wires.
19:50Telegraph wires.
19:51No.
19:55Window.
19:56No.
19:57I give up.
19:58Go on, have another go.
20:00Watermelon.
20:01No.
20:04Willow Farm.
20:10Willow Farm.
20:11Willow Farm.
20:11Out there.
20:15Well, how do you know that's Willow Farm?
20:17I used to live round here.
20:18Well, how am I supposed to know dogs?
20:26I'm cheating.
20:28Your turn, Doc.
20:29Hmm?
20:30It's your turn.
20:33You pick out an object with whatever letter it begins with.
20:35You say, I spy with my lie something beginning with whatever it happens to be.
20:39And then we have to guess what it is.
20:41Oh.
20:41Oh.
20:42Uh, overcoat.
20:44I don't think I'll bother.
20:46Thank you very much.
20:47Thank you very much.
20:57How much longer?
20:59Another five or six hours.
21:00Oh, no.
21:06Let's have a sing song.
21:07Why not?
21:08Good idea, right.
21:09Right, right, then.
21:10We'll have a sing song.
21:10Then, all right, all together.
21:11We'll have Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
21:13I'll be George Mitchell, right?
21:15After three.
21:16After three.
21:17And one, two, three.
21:18Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
21:21Stop!
21:22One more note.
21:23Then I shall pull the communication cord and have you all thrown off the train.
21:26Why can't you behave like any ordinary normal human being?
21:29Why do you have to try and get things started all the time?
21:32None of us here wants to get things started.
21:34All we want to do is just sit still and mind our own business.
21:37And all we want you to do is the same.
21:39Do you follow me?
21:41Right.
21:42All right, if that's the way you want it.
21:44If you want to be bored stiff with the whole journey, it's entirely up to you.
21:49Friend and I are merely trying to lift the tedium of this journey.
21:52If you don't want us to do so, please, as it may, we shall keep ourselves to ourselves.
22:01But don't think that we are unaware of the real reason for this unwarranted outburst.
22:06It's a class distinction, isn't it?
22:07What are you talking about now?
22:08That's all right.
22:09I know, I know.
22:10You don't think we should be in here, do you?
22:12First class, people like us.
22:14You think we should be travelling up the front with the coal?
22:19I know your type, all cravats and chukka boots.
22:21Oh, man.
22:24If you're so un-mighty, why haven't you got a car?
22:28Yes.
22:29He didn't answer that, did he?
22:31Yes, that struck home.
22:33Well, I've made me point now.
22:35Well, I should keep fighting down.
22:36Come on.
23:20Come on.
23:39I was falling again.
24:32I don't want it up there.
24:48All right.
24:49You pulled that communication cord?
24:51He did.
24:52Why?
24:53What's wrong?
24:54Nothing's wrong.
24:54He just pulled it.
25:02What's all this about?
25:03It wasn't my fault.
25:05He hung my umbrella on the communication cord and I inadvertently pulled it.
25:10Whose umbrella is it?
25:12Mine.
25:13And who pulled it?
25:14I did.
25:17Go on, find him.
25:17Make an example of him.
25:18Will you kindly keep out of this?
25:20Can I have your name and address, please, sir?
25:22Oh, dear.
25:24Here's my card.
25:26He's a doctor, you know.
25:29Thank you very much, sir.
25:31You'll be hearing from the railway company in due course.
25:34Quite right, too.
25:37If ever you're ill, sir, for your sake, don't come to my surgery.
25:42Well, that's a nice thing for a doctor to say.
25:44Did you hear that?
25:45Did you hear that?
25:45Did you hear what he just said to me, then?
26:00Please.
26:01Thank goodness, sir.
26:03Please.
26:04Reach and hold.
26:05I wish I had you in my unit for one week.
26:07That's all I ask.
26:08One week.
26:09Oh, go and play with your tanks.
26:12Good day to you, sir.
26:13I sincerely hope we never meet again.
26:15Oh, blimey, what a miserable journey that was.
26:17I told you, I've never had a decent journey by train yet.
26:20I'm not going to get lumber like this on the way home.
26:22I'm going by coach.
26:23Stop off at a few pubs, have a couple of things on me.
26:25Yes, right, boy.
26:26Coach it is.
26:27Right out.
26:28Floor down.
26:29Floor down.
26:30Good.
26:59Giggleswick, cultural centre of the north.
27:01It was work, wasn't it?
27:02Work.
27:03It was hard work.
27:03Only 27 people came in the whole week.
27:07Half of them thought they were going to see Ted Loon.
27:10Oh, shut up, Monyn.
27:12Get on the coach.
27:12Yeah.
27:17Yeah.
27:37Well, come on.
27:38We can't just sit here.
27:41Come on.
27:41Let's have a sing song, eh?
27:43Swing low, sweet cherubang.
27:45How about that?
27:46Oh, come on.
27:47Let bygones be bygones.
27:48There are no more communication chords.
27:51Oh, good grief, man.
27:52Cheer yourself up.
27:52We've got another 15 hours of this to go yet.
27:55Come on.
27:55Swing low, sweet chariot.
27:56After three, right?
27:58One, two, three.
28:00Swing low, sweet chariot.
28:08Come and for you to carry me home.
28:11Wah-wah-wah-wah.
28:14Wait low, right away.
28:17Geri-ga.
28:20Come and for you to carry me home.
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