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00:00Yesterday was for me a very bad day.
00:07I was arrested for blowing up a railway line, which I did not do.
00:12And General von Klinkeroffen, a very important kraut, had me shot at dawn.
00:18But my two friends, the German officers over there, put dummy bullets in the firing squad's rifles
00:24so that I could live to tell the tale, which is what I am doing now.
00:30Needless to say, I owe them a favour.
00:33René.
00:39Now that things are back to normal.
00:41Almost normal?
00:43We have not yet got back the painting of the Fall of Madonna with the big...
00:46Slot.
00:49René, now that things are back to almost normal, I think you owe me a favour.
00:56Of course, Colonel. Yvette or Maria?
01:00No contest.
01:08In half an hour?
01:10Perfect.
01:11Just one little thing is worrying me, Colonel.
01:14What's that, René?
01:15Well, the lieutenant who was in charge of the firing squad that shot me, he is a regular customer of mine.
01:21Will he not think it a little strange to find me still here, alive?
01:26We thought of that.
01:28We think of everything.
01:30You told him your cafe was now being run by your twin brother.
01:34What a brilliant idea, Colonel.
01:40How do you think of these things?
01:42We have to be on our toes.
01:44He's looking forward to meeting you.
01:47Do you think it will work?
01:48Of course.
01:49You look exactly like yourself.
01:52You are most reassuring, Colonel.
01:54Oh, one other thing.
01:55I am running very short of butter, sugar and paraffin.
01:58Do you think you could let me have a little from your store?
02:01René, we cannot keep on fiddling our books.
02:04It's not fair on Hans.
02:06Oh, I'll manage somehow.
02:15Ah, Helga, sit down.
02:19Have you seen Herr Flick of the Gestapo?
02:21Yes, I carried out your instructions.
02:24I told him René has been shot and his twin brother has arrived from Nancy to run the cafe.
02:29Did he believe her?
02:29After some interrogation.
02:31Why did he interrogate you?
02:33It was raining, so we decided not to go out.
02:36Is it bad or will nobody come to help me?
02:47Here we are, Mama.
02:48Oh, not more onion soup.
02:51No, today we have a treat.
02:55Araco beans.
02:58That's more than an old woman can bear.
03:02But no matter.
03:03Come close, see this.
03:04Now that René is dead, have you found his will?
03:11Mama, he is not dead.
03:13He is down below.
03:15Oh, well.
03:16The life he led, I am not surprised.
03:18Now, Edis, you must marry again.
03:23Why do you not marry Monsieur Maurice?
03:26He owns the Hotel Grand Place.
03:29He has a cafe.
03:31Mama, René is not dead.
03:33He has a bigger one than René.
03:36Do not fill your head with such things.
03:41I must go.
03:42I have much to do.
03:43Now, Edis, what are you going to do about the airmen in my wardrobe?
03:50There are no airmen in your wardrobe.
03:54We have hidden them in the inn house.
03:55Airmen in the inn house.
04:01Sometimes I think I go round the twist.
04:04Maria, Yvette, the two German officers in half an hour.
04:14Did you explain that the flying helmet and the egg whisk are extra?
04:18Not this time.
04:19This one is on the house.
04:21René, what about the resistance?
04:23You know we have to give them 10%.
04:25They will be very cross if they find out we are giving the Germans freebies.
04:30Take it out of the till.
04:34Ah!
04:38Allow me to introduce myself.
04:41I am Lieutenant Gruber.
04:43I was a very close friend of your brother.
04:46Ah, my twin brother, René.
04:48Yes, yes.
04:48It was very sad.
04:51Unfortunately, I was in charge of the firing party.
04:54Yes, I know.
04:56All those, you understand.
04:58I hope you will not hold it against me.
05:01I will try not to.
05:03Ah, your usual?
05:05Whatever that may be.
05:08That is my usual.
05:10How extraordinary.
05:12You bear a most remarkably close resemblance to René.
05:16I know.
05:18You even have the same pretty rings.
05:20Ah, yes, yes.
05:21He left them to me.
05:23Now I come to look.
05:24Your eyelashes are a little longer.
05:27And your hands are more artistic.
05:31The Colonel told me you arrived from Nancy's this morning.
05:35Yes, he's quite right.
05:36Is that where you and René were born?
05:38Yes, we were both Nancy boys.
05:45René, I must talk to you.
05:49We have to feed the ends.
05:51She called you René, that is very strange.
05:57Ah, well, you see, we were so alike, there did not seem to be any point in giving us different names.
06:05So they called you both René.
06:07That must have been very confusing.
06:08Oh, no, no, no, they called us René 1 and René 2.
06:12Are you 1?
06:14No, I am definitely 2.
06:20Otto, what brings you here?
06:23I am here on official business.
06:25You will refer to me as Herr Flick.
06:27Yes, Herr Flick.
06:27And stand up when you talk to me.
06:29Yes, Herr Flick.
06:30Come here.
06:31Yes, Herr Flick.
06:35You are wearing perfume.
06:37You gave it to me, Herr Flick.
06:39That is no excuse.
06:40Members of the German forces should not wear perfume on duty.
06:44Even if they are girls.
06:47Turn around.
06:47At least your hair is tidy.
06:51Turn around.
06:52Yes, Herr Flick.
06:53You wish me to tell the colonel that you are here?
06:56No.
06:57I will tell him myself.
06:59You wish me to kiss you?
07:02Well, just a little one.
07:15Thank you, Herr Flick.
07:16You are welcome.
07:17Hey, Lidler.
07:24Hello, Lidler.
07:25Hello, Lidler.
07:27Your visit is unexpected, Herr Flick.
07:30So it seems.
07:32We were just reading how well the war is going.
07:35There is a very good picture of the FĂ¼hrer on page 3.
07:39I understand you shot a saboteur.
07:42Yes, Herr Flick.
07:43Were there any peasants present at the execution?
07:46A few, Herr Flick.
07:47Did you take their names?
07:49Did you take their names, Hans?
07:50Uh, I think there was one called Bobby.
07:54Fool.
07:54They might have been members of the resistance.
07:57They might have been members of the resistance, Hans.
08:00But you gave me no orders.
08:01That is no excuse.
08:02You should ask them their names and addresses.
08:05You ask a French peasant that, he drops his onions and runs like they're clappers.
08:08This being the case, you must attend the funeral.
08:12Funeral?
08:13Funeral?
08:14To the resistance, he's a hero.
08:17They will come to pay their respects.
08:18I will observe from a discreet distance.
08:21You will obtain names and photographs.
08:23You will obtain names and photographs.
08:24Carstairs, that cockerel hasn't taken his eyes off you for the last hour.
08:38I suppose, sitting in this position, he thinks I'm going to lay an egg.
08:41I wish you would.
08:43I'm just hungry.
08:53Oh!
08:54Dinner time!
08:56It's that resistance girl, Michelle.
09:01Hello, chaps.
09:02Sorry about the cramped quarters.
09:04I'm afraid you've got to lie low a bit longer.
09:07It's not exactly luxurious, you know.
09:10Fairfax nearly fell off his perch last night.
09:13I'm trying to get through to London to get them to send a plane for you.
09:17Oh, good show!
09:19By the way, we're jolly thirsty.
09:22See the button on that feeder there?
09:23Yeah, press it with your nose and the truffle fill with water.
09:26Bye!
09:27That's all.
09:29Toodle-oo!
09:30Hello.
09:32Yvette, quick, I want you upstairs.
09:35Oh!
09:36Oh, it is the wireless.
09:40Mama, we have to use the radio under your bed.
09:44Has Monsieur Maurice proposed to you yet?
09:48Mama, René is not dead.
09:51I saw it in full.
09:52I heard the shots with my own ear-trumpet.
09:58Ah!
09:58He has come to warns me.
10:00Calls the priest.
10:02It is, René.
10:02He is alive.
10:04No, no, no.
10:05He is a phantom.
10:07See, my stick goes through here.
10:10You stupid old bat!
10:12Are you trying to kill me or something?
10:13Oh!
10:14It is a miracle!
10:16Our top of Easter wedding is cancelled.
10:18Take no notice of her.
10:21Get the bed up.
10:22Won't you sleep?
10:24Oh!
10:24Oh!
10:25Oh!
10:25Oh!
10:25Oh!
10:25Oh!
10:25Oh!
10:26Oh!
10:26Oh!
10:26Oh!
10:27Oh!
10:27Oh!
10:28Oh!
10:28Oh!
10:29Oh!
10:29Oh!
10:30Oh!
10:30Oh!
10:31Oh!
10:31Oh!
10:32Oh!
10:33Oh!
10:33Who is this, monsieur Maurice?
10:35He owns the Hotel Grand Place and a Café.
10:38But why does she want you to marry him?
10:40He has a bigger ones than you are.
10:44But René does more behind the bar.
10:47This is true.
10:48Hello, hello, this is Nighthawk. Are you receiving me? Over.
10:55London is receiving you. Pass your message. Over.
11:00The N's are still in the N house. Over.
11:05What is so strange about that?
11:09Over.
11:11The two airmen want to go home. Over.
11:15Please use the code. Over.
11:18The N's are still in the N house. Over.
11:22Roger, Nighthawk. Now, listen very carefully.
11:27The big one will arrive at midnight.
11:31Oh, Monsieur Maurice, what did I tell?
11:35Shut up, please.
11:37This means they are dropping the consignment that we have ordered.
11:40That must be the new uniforms for the German officers, which they no longer need.
11:45And the forged painting of the fuller Madonna with the big boobies.
11:49Thank you, London. Over and out and things.
11:53There's a man downstairs. He says he is an undertaker.
11:56What does he want?
11:58He has come to measure you for the coffin.
12:00Oh, I forgot I was dead.
12:08Good afternoon.
12:09Good afternoon.
12:10My name is Alphonse.
12:12Director of funerals.
12:14My card.
12:15Ah, thank you.
12:17Swiftly and with style.
12:20I like that.
12:23Ah, this is the wife.
12:25Oh, my brother, Ronnie.
12:27The dead one.
12:28And this lady?
12:31Oh, that is Yvette.
12:33It's heaven, girl.
12:35I used to work under the deceased.
12:43Sad occasion.
12:45Tragic.
12:47Where is the body?
12:48In the office.
12:49In the office.
12:51Well, we have been moving him about a bit.
12:54Well, I shall have to take some measurement later.
12:57But first, we must decide on some distressing details.
13:01Of course, sir.
13:04If Monsieur would like.
13:09Now, first, the coffin.
13:12Oak.
13:14Oak.
13:15Elm.
13:16Ash.
13:17Pine.
13:25Which do you favour?
13:27Do you not have something a little bigger?
13:29Oak.
13:30Is 35,000 francs.
13:31Ash.
13:32Huh?
13:3325,000 francs.
13:34Helm.
13:3515,000.
13:36Pine.
13:3710,000 francs.
13:38This is very expensive.
13:39Do you not have something in orange box?
13:41We must have oak.
13:42All my neighbours will expect it.
13:43Edith, I am paying for this.
13:44Why don't you humiliate me in front of my neighbours?
13:45Oak.
13:46Now, as you have chosen the oak, you shall always want the bronze enders.
13:49They last longer.
13:50They last longer.
13:51No.
13:52No.
13:53No.
13:54No.
13:55No.
13:56No.
13:57No.
13:58No.
13:59No.
14:00No.
14:01No.
14:02No.
14:03No.
14:04No.
14:05No.
14:06No.
14:07No.
14:08No.
14:09No.
14:10No.
14:11No.
14:12No.
14:13No.
14:14No.
14:15No.
14:16No.
14:17No.
14:18No.
14:19No.
14:20No.
14:21No.
14:22No.
14:23No.
14:24No.
14:25No.
14:26No.
14:27No.
14:28No.
14:29No.
14:30No.
14:31No.
14:32No.
14:33No.
14:34No.
14:35No.
14:36No.
14:37No.
14:38No.
14:39No.
14:40what does Madame suggest he was brave he died for France long live De Gaulle
14:53who? De Gaulle you know the one who scarpered
14:59there should be a poem the raffles fired the bullets
15:10it oh we shall miss that little man and pray it didn't hurt a bit
15:19that would be at 200 francs a letter 12,000 francs
15:3212,000 francs just put the bar I will pay there is provision in the will
15:40what will? I found it it was in the secret drawer of the bureau in the dressing room of my mother
15:45it leaves everything to me I think there will very likely be another will
15:52well now it only remains for me to measure if you will pardon me
15:57the body
15:59oh well that is no problem I am his twin brother you can measure me
16:04monsieur I am professional we have our etiquette
16:08if it ever leaked out that I measure you instead of the body
16:11every undertaker in France would laugh
16:14ah well that would be unusual I'm sure
16:18well uh well perhaps before you measure if you will pardon me the body
16:24you would like a cognac
16:25oh that is most kind
16:26Yvette
16:27uh Edith
16:30um when monsieur Alphonse has finished his cognac
16:34uh show him the body in the office
16:36but René
16:37uh René's body that's right
16:39yes
16:39monsieur Alphonse I am sure you will forgive me if I do not come with you
16:42it is very difficult for me you understand
16:44of course of course monsieur
17:12it is the unquiet spirit of my husband
17:27are we ready
17:41I hope so
17:42I hope so
17:43I hope so
17:44I hope so
17:45I hope so
17:46I hope so
17:47I hope so
17:48I hope so
17:49I hope so
17:50I hope so
17:51I hope so
17:52I hope so
17:53I hope so
17:54I hope so
17:55I hope so
17:56I hope so
17:57I hope so
17:58I hope so
17:59I hope so
18:00I hope so
18:01I hope so
18:02I hope so
18:03I hope so
18:04I hope so
18:05I hope so
18:06I hope so
18:07I hope so
18:08I hope so
18:09I hope so
18:10I hope so
18:11Madame?
18:34Pardon?
18:41Why does he have flour on his face?
18:46When he was arrested, he was making a roly-poly pudding.
18:52Just think, we will never see his roly-poly again.
19:11Before I go, I will need the signature of the brother-in-law.
19:22Where do you think he is at the moment?
19:25Oh, I do not know, but I am sure he will join us in the bar as soon as he comes.
19:30. . .
19:36. . .
19:38. . .
19:49. . .
19:52Are you finished?
20:08It is all done.
20:10How did he look?
20:12Terrible.
20:13Monsieur, monsieur.
20:15Of course.
20:20Thank you, sir.
20:26Oh, sir.
20:32I have left my tape measure.
20:38We'll get it for you.
20:49Who's that?
20:50Don't open the door till I put the lid on.
20:53It's Michelle's resistance.
20:56What does she want?
20:58Well, how do I know?
20:59Open the door and find out.
21:03Quick, all of you, inside.
21:05What is happening?
21:07Last night, the picture of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies did not come by parachute.
21:11These did.
21:12They are being pursued by a German patrol.
21:14You must hide them for us.
21:15Well, what are they?
21:17Anti-tank mans.
21:19Treat them very gently.
21:21Keep your cool head.
21:22If the Germans find them, you will be shot.
21:24Well, at these prices, I cannot afford another funeral.
21:27Well, we must go through the back.
21:32Well, where am I supposed to hide these?
21:35You will think of something.
21:36But hurry, the Germans may have seen her center.
21:39Oh, German soldiers coming towards us.
21:42Oh, heck.
21:43Quick, in the coffin.
21:45Not you, these.
21:49What is all these bottles doing in the coffin of my husband?
21:53They are to make it heavy, so that when they lift it up, they think I am in it.
21:57Quick, the rest.
22:00Oh, wait till I put the lid on.
22:04All right, all right.
22:05What do you want?
22:09We demand anchorage.
22:10Stand aside.
22:13Why, you buzzery poor woman, in a time of grief.
22:16We are hunting members of the resistance, and they came in through this door.
22:20We thought they were customers, but they came straight through and out the back.
22:25Did you see their faces?
22:27No.
22:28We were busy doing the screwing.
22:35What's going on?
22:43What were the soldiers doing?
22:44They were following the resistance.
22:46René, you must stop seeing those people.
22:49If Herr Flick finds out, he will make you talk.
22:52And you might tell him about us.
22:53Oh, I would die before I did that, Colonel.
22:56I would try to arrange it.
22:59Now, did you put the weights in the coffin?
23:01Yes, Colonel, yes.
23:03Just finished, yes.
23:05Hans, the black bands.
23:09Are you coming to the funeral, Colonel?
23:11Of course.
23:12We were very fond of you.
23:17One word of warning.
23:19Herr Flick will be observing from the bushes.
23:22Make sure no members of the resistance are there.
23:26Oh, of course, Colonel.
23:27Thank you for telling me.
23:33What's that?
23:33I paid for the bells.
23:36Oh, the whole village of Nouveau will come to pay their respects.
23:41How much did they cost?
23:42It was very cheap.
23:44100 francs a bong.
23:45You are having 50 bongs.
23:47They said you would give them the usual, and then they giggled.
24:00So I didn't understand.
24:02They look very beautiful, standing there with their candles.
24:08I'd like this when my turn comes.
24:11Or even before.
24:16There was a munger boy.
24:18Shut up!
24:19What on earth is he doing here?
24:23He was 500 francs.
24:24The real priest was 3,000.
24:27Good choice, he did.
24:28We are gathered here to pay our respects to our good friend, Renée.
24:37One, two, three, four.
24:44Ave Maria!
24:50No!
24:52Bruno, your guest is as good as mine.
24:57Something is happening.
25:07We must move to a better position.
25:08The back of the car, Hathalie?
25:10To observe the funeral.
25:11It's only an handful of my friend's ear.
25:32I thought you said the old village of Nuvion was turning out to mourn my passing.
25:36Nuvion rangers are playing away.
25:41Renée, hold on for my arm.
25:46Are you going to faint?
25:47No, I cannot see.
25:51Renée, do you think the resistance will be very cross with us because we are burying the anti-tank mines in a coffin?
25:57That is their funeral.
25:59This is mine.
26:01Do you think we should goostep?
26:03No, Hans.
26:04That would be very poor taste.
26:07It's bad enough we have with us.
26:09The man who shot him.
26:10This is obeying orders.
26:13I was most upset.
26:14As I uttered the word fire, I felt a complete rotter.
26:22This will do.
26:23They cannot see us here.
26:25You will bend over and touch your toes.
26:28What have you in mind, Hathalie?
26:29I wish to steady my binoculars.
26:32I wish to steady my binoculars.
26:32I wish to be a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a
27:02What is wrong?
27:08Hurry up.
27:09Who has the key?
27:11The priest has the key.
27:13I have.
27:16Not you.
27:18The real priest.
27:20Where is he?
27:21He plays senderah for the Nuvian Rangers.
27:24Yeah, that it.
27:29What is the problem?
27:32The priest has forgotten the key.
27:34Shall I shoot off the lock?
27:35If it wasn't for you and your shooting, we wouldn't be here in the first place.
27:39Can you all come back tomorrow?
27:43I won't keep until tomorrow.
27:48Quick.
27:50Heinz.
27:51Something very strange is happening.
28:09What is that, Herr Flick?
28:13The coffin and all the mourners are heading in this direction.
28:17Should we move to another position?
28:41No.
28:42We are quite safe here.
28:43Oh.
28:44Oh.
29:14That was very amusing.
29:18That was not so amusing.