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00:01We loved, we parted as fate had arranged.
00:06Nowhere you stand and nothing has changed.
00:11A large cognac.
00:13I have it for you here when I...
00:16You are my love, my only love, once more.
00:21In me, you see a man who has problems.
00:25At that table over there are two German officers
00:27dressed as onion sellers
00:29because I gave their uniforms to some British airmen
00:32to help them to escape.
00:34However, the British airmen burned the uniforms.
00:37Don't ask me why.
00:38And they are now hiding upstairs in the wardrobe
00:41of my wife's mother, who is in bed in the attic.
00:45Playing the piano is Monsieur Leclerc,
00:49jailbird and forger, who, in his youth,
00:52was the lover, God help him, of my wife's mother,
00:56and who, for all I know, might well be my wife's father.
01:00Herr Fleek, the Gestapo officer, is also dressed as an onion seller
01:06in order to trace the missing painting by Van Klomp
01:09of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
01:13Which I just happen to have upon my person.
01:16But even worse than all this, my wife, Edith,
01:26who you will have noticed cannot carry a tune in a bucket,
01:30is about to sing another chorus.
01:33The German lieutenant at that table there fancies me.
01:36And these two rings on my fingers contain two suicide pills.
01:44But I could go on forever.
01:45Renée, come into the back room, quickly.
01:49My little chicken, Maria.
01:51I have not time for that sort of thing now.
01:55The restaurant is full.
01:56Meet me tonight at 11 o'clock in the cold room by the icebox.
01:59No, Renée. Michelle wants you in the back room.
02:04Michelle wants the resistance.
02:06Do not mention that word in here.
02:08Oh, that Michelle will get me shot.
02:11Look after the bar.
02:13Can we still meet at 11 o'clock?
02:15Of course.
02:17Can we meet somewhere else?
02:19Waiting for you by the icebox?
02:21It's so unromantic.
02:23But you don't have to sit on it.
02:25All right, then. Meet me in the cold cellar.
02:27But I get so dirty in there.
02:30Yes, I know.
02:34Michelle?
02:37Michelle!
02:39I'm here.
02:41Why can't you wait in the room like an ordinary person?
02:45Because I'm not an ordinary person.
02:47To avoid being discovered by the Germans,
02:49I have to move with great cunning and secrecy.
02:51Otherwise I will be shot.
02:53I understand.
02:54I have the same trouble with my wife.
02:58No, listen very carefully.
03:02I shall say this only once.
03:04You are to take this container.
03:07I see.
03:09And what does this container contain?
03:11Balls.
03:15Michelle, up until now, our relationship has been on a very civilized and friendly basis.
03:19If I have ever said anything to offend you...
03:21Balls Gin.
03:23Oh.
03:25This type of gin is colored a very pale blue.
03:28I run a bar. I do know that.
03:30Natural glycerin is also colored a very pale blue.
03:33Oh. I didn't know that.
03:35But what is the connection?
03:37This is natural glycerin.
03:38Ah.
03:39Very gentle is it.
03:40Do not drop it.
03:42Do not let anyone see it.
03:44Add it in your cellar.
03:46At 11 o'clock, there is going to be a big bang.
03:49Yes.
03:52But that was not definite. It was only a loose arrangement.
03:58What are you talking about?
04:01What are you talking about?
04:02I am asking you to add this bottle in your cellar.
04:05It is to blow up the railway line.
04:07But the railway line does not run over my cellar.
04:10My restaurant runs over my cellar.
04:13I know that.
04:17I will be back to collect it quite soon.
04:19Well, in that case, why don't you just keep it?
04:21Because if the Germans find it, they will shoot me.
04:23Well, if they find it here, won't they shoot me?
04:26You have a cafe. You have a bar.
04:28Why should you not have a bottle of Balls Gin?
04:29If I could think of a reason, I would give you one.
04:33So here we go, the same refrain, the final encore.
04:39You are my love, my only love, once more.
04:43You are my love, my only love, once more.
04:48You are my love, my only love, once more.
04:52Oh, thank you for your kind of clothes.
04:56Now, are there any requests?
04:59Two beers and some mochis.
05:01Ah, what would you like, Lieutenant?
05:02Well, I have a fancy for something a little different. What do you suggest?
05:03Maybe a small, potent lemon?
05:04Definitely, very nicely.
05:05There is Monsieur René. I have been trying to catch his eye all night, but I think he is awaiting me.
05:06He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
05:08ah what would you like lieutenant well I have a fancy for something a little
05:17different what do you suggest maybe a small potent lemon very nicely there is
05:26monsieur Renee I have been trying to catch his eye all night but I think he
05:30is awaiting me he has a lot on his mind at the moment but I'm sure he is not
05:35trying to avoid you he's too busy trying to avoid his wife it is very interesting
05:47ah monsieur René ah lieutenant have you got a drink I was asking for something a
05:56little different what is that you have there oh it's it's just a very exotic
06:00gin ah it is new to me what is it balls monsieur René so far our relationship has been on a
06:10sea life anyway no no no B O L S balls oh so sorry it is most intriguing I will try some oh no no no I
06:25cannot open the bottle just for one gin well make it two balls also no even for two I cannot open it
06:35well perhaps she would like one as well yes I would love one you do not drink on duty since now perhaps
06:43you would like to give your wife one out of the question it's not for sale are you trying to get rid
06:52some sleep in here in my wardrobe what you're saying I have no idea French is all Greek to me
07:22I hope she's not calling for more onion soup she will have to stuff more chewing gum in the keyhole
07:28it is I your daughter Edith I brought you your onion soup oh my god why is it always onion soup
07:43because we are helping British Airmen to escape disguised as onion sellers and we cannot waste the
07:49onions could you not disguise the airmen as butchers then I could have a good steak
07:55good mama I am an invalid invalid invalids have poached eggs why cannot I have poached eggs because the ends
08:10the ends they are not laying in my day we mix the corn with gin that is always making some lay also it would do me good
08:23no no no it has a new bottle I will bring you some
08:29what's the time Hans
08:33it's no good my eyes are running so much from these stamped onions
08:39see neither can I
08:41neither can I one whole day we've been away from the office what will they say in Berlin
08:48if they find out we're not there I think they will be very cross
08:53that fool of a century did not recognize me when I tried to get in but you had no papers
08:58you hit me with his rifle butch it's a graceful way to treat an old peasant
09:04there's Helga she may have some news here sit down
09:10colonel I have bad news I have been to the cleaners for your spare uniforms and they are not ready
09:15you fool girl you should have bought them as they were yes you should have bought them as they were
09:19fool girl they have been sent away they have gone to Paris you ordered deluxe service
09:26I did not order deluxe service who ordered deluxe service I did you and your creases you try to
09:34be smart down here you should be smart up here I said my hat also I had more news is it good or bad
09:45I am your superior officer I asked the question in these clothes we are equal on the contrary my
09:51onions are bigger than your onions and I have two rows lucky you tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock
09:59general von klinkerhofen is coming to inspect from klinkerhofen not the von klinkerhofen
10:05that's your phone how many von klinkerhofen do you think there are the telegram in your office says you
10:10are to meet him at the station this is disaster can you imagine the stink in berlin
10:17from klinkerhofen met by two onion sellers hitler will do his nut
10:25what are we going to do we could borrow a revolver to shoot ourselves
10:30i suppose that's the honorable thing to do after all we are officers and soldiers
10:35but i i i i i just thought that they could shoot our little toes off and then then we could go to
10:41hospital where they wear pajamas no perhaps runny has news oh really uh yes uh hair onion seller uh one
10:50moment
10:51monsieur leclerc
10:52take this gin to my mother
11:00gin
11:04i have forgotten how it smells so long have i been in the nick
11:12take this and mix it with the corn for the chickens it will help them to lay
11:16yes colonel
11:19renee sit down oh thank you colonel
11:24now listen renee i will come straight to the point
11:28if you do not get these uniforms by tonight you will be shocked
11:31you don't beat about the bush do you colonel
11:35why don't you try it sometime it's better for the nerves especially my nerves
11:40yes well do we get them or not colonel they are coming from london london helga the less you know
11:48the better but some cheese in your ears i'm afraid there was a slight delay colonel the
11:54tailor had to go to a bar mitzvah a jewish tailor
12:01whatever that means
12:02i will speak to to someone who will make contact they will try to get them delivered to us tonight
12:10your life depends on it so do our little toes
12:19come on little chickens come on it's dinner time
12:32it is time i am singing again i need something to steady my nerves
12:38you know singing to a crowded room takes a special kind of courage
12:43it's lucky you are so brave
12:46what are you doing with that bottle i'm just going to wet my whistle
12:50you fool this could blow your whistle through the top of your head
12:55what are you saying i am saying it is to blow up a train
12:59i am saying it is nitroglycerine
13:05i have given fun to my mother and the chickens oh no this is disaster those are the only chickens we are
13:12what about my mother
13:17that drink oh it make your mama very frisky what happened
13:22she got out of bed went to pick up her slippers and blew the door off the wardrobe
13:29the chickens
13:41oh what's the matter stop throwing this corn so hard it's still gone
13:45where inside the chickens what where are the chickens where they always go to lazy eggs behind the edge
13:52oh that was only five where is the other
14:03the cockle hole chased it into the hen house
14:05hmm so bang
14:22you are looking at a walking legend
14:24how would you like to be
14:39i say cartez the old girl's a bit of a goer isn't she
14:42that's how they don't give her anything else between the onion soup and that drinks is more dangerous than the fleck of a berlin
14:49oh hi mama are you all right i'm in the middle of my performance shut off
15:00oh there's an old piece all you do like to be
15:10oh my god casters this is a terrible war
15:15oh
15:19shut up both of you i want shut up
15:23listen to her
15:25for what she's ecky you know it is from her get my talent
15:29it has traveled very badly
15:32i have to lift the bed to get to the radio to talk to london
15:36shut up you old bat
15:37hello hello this is night hawk can you hear me over
15:57of course i can hear you
16:00not you shut up
16:02hello night hawk
16:04hello night hawk
16:06this is london this is london listen carefully i shall say this only once
16:14here take this to table three
16:17oh here comes trouble it's not a flick of the gestapo
16:21for god's sake act normally oh i am acting normally always i'm like this with the gestapo
16:33welcome air flick may i find your table i know where i want to sit of course air flick
16:39why is it that when i'm in the room everyone stops talking
16:45it is in case you wish to say anything here flick
16:48i do
16:49hell hitler
16:52well you can't follow that
16:57have you found out anything about the missing painting
16:59no herr flick not the smell of it it is possible the peasants have penetrated your disguise
17:05you must change back into your uniforms at once her flick well very nil
17:11you have heard of the arrival of general von klinkerhofen
17:14yes herr flick you will meet him tomorrow at the station
17:17yes herr flick he will be inspecting our defenses and all the main buildings
17:23does that include the hospital why do you ask in case we have an accident
17:28we wouldn't want to miss him herr flick he is a ruthless man
17:34the slightest sign of inefficiency and you will be posted to the russian front
17:42go and tidy the office and ensure everything is in order no you will report to my room in one hour
17:49yes may i ask why there are perhaps certain things you have not revealed to me
17:58how could i hide anything from those stern penetrating eyes
18:03we shall see
18:05hey hitler
18:07do not be late
18:10what if i am early do not be early either be punctual
18:13hey hitler
18:23machine leclerc clean up that mess
18:27yeah good news colonel the uniforms they are on their way and we are going to send back the painting
18:32to london to be copied i thought that they were coming by parachute no no tonight a plane will land
18:39somewhere in france what's the use of somewhere in france we want it here well this is somewhere in
18:46france but if i told you too much the resistance would shoot me we will meet the plane with you
18:51oh no no no dear colonel i i don't think the resistance would like that how would you like
18:57your cafe blown up and you and your wife put up against the wall and shut you would not do that
19:04no but her flick would we might be with you you see what will be done excuse me kenny you're not
19:11going to sing again i have a message for renee a man has arrived to read the gas meter
19:19we did we have no meter because we have no gas why do you not stop wasting my time woman why do
19:28you not just say what you mean the girl michelle is here from the resistance
19:35ah a clue at last i always knew you were helping the resistance we will arrest this girl we will make
19:43a talk and we will be heroes with medals without uniforms to pin them on colonel that girl is the
19:51only person who knows where the plane will land i see we're in it up to here that makes it well over my
20:01it's all clear honey what's the matter are you frightened well of course i'm frightened the
20:26countryside is full of it and dangers i've just trodden in one signal for the other
20:35do you want to call or something similar it's the only small i know where did you land a whistle
20:41like that when she was working in paris she had to do something to attract attention
20:50all right you did not tell us we will be helping two british officers to escape as well
20:54you're not supposed to do this they will go back on the plane that brings your uniforms then we can
21:00all live happily ever after fairfax what's going on i've no idea anything's better than that damn
21:06wardrobe don't move oh michelle why are you wearing sunglasses so these germans don't recognize me again
21:17listen very carefully we have a problem up the road is a bridge on the bridge is a german century what
21:23there is only one thing to do go home no these german officers must give the century orders to let us
21:30past but we addressed us onion sellers you must convince them otherwise you do not get your uniforms
21:37hands hold my onions
21:51hold my onions
22:05hold my fire i am colonel from storm town commandant stand to attention when i speak to you
22:15why are you dressed as a smelly peasant where are your papers
22:20she has killed him no he's just unconscious or nay we are german officers we cannot be a party to
22:35knocking out our own troops it's colonel he was the one who hit you with his rifle butt
22:40so he did thug pee that is the plan it will land in the next field this way
22:54here it is i'll give you a signal
23:09have you given the signal he's coming in now stand by
23:31come on don't waste time
23:59you
24:02hello is this the right place
24:03englishman thank god where's the uniforms i will ask him i say oh chap do you have the uniforms
24:12better than that i bought the tailor good evening everyone my name is clive from solomon and clive
24:19i have the customer suits right here perhaps the colonel would like to try his jacket first
24:23i say casters this kite's only got two seats i expect the tailors staying behind and we can sit on each other's lap on his seat perhaps i on top
24:39oh dear sir has put on a bit of weight hasn't he where do you wear your holster on the right or on the left
24:48or on the right
24:49these shoulders are very wide yes the shoulders seem awfully wide don't worry they're coming back
24:55you should have kept your mouth shut what are you doing
25:02what are you doing don't worry it's only a fitting and now what time can sir manager next week
25:07why don't we go back and you stay behind and finish the suits are you mad it's ascot week the workroom's chock-a-block
25:16right off we go then chaps quick give him the painting
25:20don't forget we want a copy of this writer
25:29no touch
25:41well it looks to me that we have to meet general von klinkerhofen in our pajamas